Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

[19xx, Fourth Year of Secondary School, Summer] 

Guren found Mahiru and Shinya in the atelier of the school. For some reason, they both seemed to have grown to like that place. It was always empty at lunch. 

He sat down cross-legged next to Mahiru, who was talking about something very passionately, and started listening in to understand what they were talking about. Shinya straightened his leg, which was bent at the knee next to Guren’s, and offered him the sunflower seeds they were eating without sparing a glance at him. Guren took a handful of them; that was the only acknowledgement of his existence in the room. 

“And then apparently she was lying about being half-Italian because she had a crush on Seishirou, and Kureto told her that he was into Italian women because he thought Italian was a beautiful language.” 

“No way—she bought it?” 

Guren turned to look at Mahiru. “Excuse me, who? Who would have a crush on Seishirou?” 

“Right—I've just asked that question to Shinya myself. Who would have a crush on him? He is so ugly.” 

“The ugliness isn't the worst thing about him—Guren is ugly too, but his personality makes up for it a little.” 

“Fuck you—why did you bring me into the conversation out of nowhere?” 

Shinya shrugged and ignored his question. “Anyway, so—why did Kureto even lie about that?” 

“You know how he is—he likes lying about stupid things on the most unimportant topics.” 

Guren raised an eyebrow. Somehow it didn't make sense to him. “He does that?” 

Mahiru turned to him briefly, “Yeah!” 

“He doesn't seem the type…”

“I know!” Shinya groans, frustrated. “Nobody believes it when we tell them Kureto was lying about this and that.” 

“Anyway, as I was about to say—you remember Aoi? Oldest Sangu girl? So her dad and my father have a very close relationship—don't know why, they don't really seem like the types to get along, but I'm sure it’s something they got involved with during the elections that happened four years ago—so we have visited each other regularly since then as a whole family. Last year, my father held a dinner for us to get together with a few other noble families. Aoi decided that confessing her crush to Kureto then would be a good decision. Her stupidity, honestly, but that’s a different topic.”

Shinya chimed in. “Hold on—Sangu girl has a crush on Kureto? I thought—" 

“Had. Not anymore, clearly,” she said, her voice coy.

Shinya narrowed his eyes and tilted his head slightly to the side, indicating that the gears in his head were turning, and Guren, horrifyingly, thought he looked cute. He clicked his tongue. “Ah.” Something clicked for him. “Makes sense. Makes so much sense. But how come you and her—while—oh. Oh.”

“What makes sense?” Guren asked. 

“Don't worry about it.” Shinya nudged his knee with his leg. Guren got distracted for a moment because his heart sped up for something as small as this. The duo took that as a chance to move on from his question, leaving it unanswered. 

“So, she confesses to Kureto, right? I knew he would have rejected her the moment I heard she was going to do it—”

“How did you know she was going to confess?” 

“I was eavesdropping on her conversation with her little sister, Mitsuba.” 

“She talks about her crushes with a nine-year-old?” 

“I do too.” 

“You have a crush on someone? How come I didn't know?” Guren tried not to be upset at the revelation, but how come Shinya knew but Guren didn't? Weren't they all close friends? Why wouldn't she tell him?

“Well—it’s not a crush, not exactly—” She looked at Shinya, desperately calling for her help. Shinya took pity on her and changed the topic back to the original, which was Kureto being a liar about the most unrelated stuff. 

“So, Aoi’s crush on Kureto, you were saying?” 

Mahiru let out a relieved breath. “Okay, so—she confesses. I was waiting for her to start crying, but she came back inside all confused. I asked her what happened, and guess what Kureto told her to reject her.” She waited for the dramatic effect. “He told her that they couldn't be together because that would create problems in the future, since he has problems… down… there.” 

Guren choked on the seed he was eating and started coughing. Shinya just stared at her, mouth gaping open. “You can't be serious.” 

“I am serious,” she said as she started hitting Guren on the back roughly. Guren was sure it was going to hurt later. Shinya found him a bottle of water and offered it, Guren took it gladly, drinking it like his life was on the line if he didn't. His face and lungs burned. 

“Kureto what now?” He asked—wheezed out. 

“His—” 

“Okay, stop—stop—" He takes a breath, “I heard you. Why would he say that, though? No one needed to know that—”

“Yeah, so—I comforted her—”

Shinya snorted, cutting her off. “Yeah, I bet you did.”

Mahiru wasn't the type to comfort anyone, really. At first, Guren thought Shinya was referring to that, but on second thought—there was something else, wasn't there? They had some sort of inner joke going on, and they refused to let Guren in on it. He tried not to let it ruin his mood.

“Shut up—so I comforted her and she told me that my dear brother Kureto had—”

“Don’t say it out loud—” Guren pleaded. 

“Erectile dysfunction. Can you believe it? Kureto tells that to a noble lady—what a gentleman,” she rolled her eyes, “What do girls even find in him? Anyway, so, I confront him, after waiting for a few months, so he won’t be lying his way out of it.” 

“I,” Guren starts, bewildered, “Cannot believe you discussed that with him. Disgusting.”

“It was for medical purposes, Guren. There is no shame in that.” 

“Why are you even telling us this—I don’t wish to spend the rest of lunch thinking about Kureto’s dick.”

Both Shinya and Mahiru gave him a look, then they looked at each other, then at Guren again. “Then, don’t,” Mahiru said.

“You do realize how this sounds, right?” Shinya asked.

“...Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

Shinya grinned and Guren’s heart did somersaults and he wanted to throw up. “What do girls and boys even find in him?” He repeated Mahiru’s earlier statement.

Mahiru giggled, “Boys are kind of gross sometimes, so it makes sense if Guren is attracted to something so gross like my brother.”

Guren wanted to throw up, not only because they were discussing Kureto and his dick but also because—

Well. It was one thing to know you were into guys— one specific guy in his case—and to be able to ignore it, leave for the passing moments where you felt guilt and self-hatred and shame—

It was another thing to be hit in the face with that fact. By other people. Guren knew that staying silent would only make things worse—and that he should do something instead of staying frozen on the spot, but—he couldn’t.

It was another thing to hear it out loud, confirmed. 

Then, Shinya, his intelligent, kind Shinya, noticed his weird behavior. Even though he didn’t want him to know anything about... the secret nature of Guren’s feelings toward him, even though Shinya himself was the object of his affections—

Guren felt at peace.

There was an odd peace that came with being known, without having to use your words. With being understood by the person you cherish the most.

In a moment of stillness in his mind, Guren thought, it wouldn’t be so bad if Shinya knew everything.

Because it was Shinya.

His incredibly kind, loving friend with a heart so big that it could fit the entire world in it.

Not that Shinya ever let outsiders see it, of course. But Guren wasn’t an outsider—he was his friend, first and foremost.

(And something more, whenever Guren was alone in the dark of his room at night, staring at the ceiling, half-awake and half-brave enough to imagine it—to let himself dream, only to forget about it in the morning.

Or—to tell himself he forgot. He always remembered.)

Shinya looked at him for one second and noticed his discomfort—that came from being found out in any way—then he swiftly turned the conversation back to its original topic. “What happened when you asked him about it?”

Mahiru was distracted easily. He knew that she would do the same thing with Kureto later on, but with Guren this time, questioning him at his weakest moment, but for now, he was good. Neither Shinya nor Mahiru would talk about it for a while.

“So, he was confused. And he denied it, of course. I asked him why he said that to Aoi, and then he was confused again until he remembered her confession. He forgot. Both the confession and the things he said to her. By that time, Aoi had already moved on, and that was that. She didn’t say anything to anyone out of respect. Honestly, I would have told everyone.”

“Yeah, me too,” Shinya said.

“Long story short, he lied to Aoi about that only to forget about it later. He also threatened me to never speak of it ever again, so this better stay between us.”

“Oh? I didn’t know you were afraid of him.”

“I’m not. He will tell father about it.”

Shinya hums. “Imagine his face when he finds out his sweet girl is saying words like erect.”

“Imagine him finding out that the girl he was planning to betroth his son to actually had a relationship with his daughter.”

Now.

What.

Guren looked at her, his jaw wide open. She shrugged. “It only lasted a few months before she moved on from us Hiiragi’s.”

Then, all the things they were saying made sense—the snarky way Shinya sounded when they were talking about Mahiru comforting Aoi, the way Aoi used to have a crush on Kureto and not now, the way Mahiru was flustered and told Shinya to shut up about it, the way something just clicked for Shinya—

He frowned. Why was he always the last one to learn about these things?

However, he still felt like a little bird in his heart was freed—Mahiru was like him too. He discreetly glanced at Shinya, his carefree smile, his leg touching Guren's, his teasings, and thought that maybe—

[19yy, Present, Nagoya]

Guren wears a suit to Shinya and his next meeting. They arranged a hotel in Nagoya—well, Mahiru did, apparently. Shinya recognizes his hotel as the one where they stayed a lot whenever they needed to follow up on a story around this area. Nagoya streets would be busy most of the time, so every time they arrived here they’d need to stay at least for a few days. Shinya is kind of a regular here at this point. He has a specific room he always books, and there are a few workers he recognizes and would no doubt recognize him. 

Thus, many witnesses would testify against him, saying that yes, he did come here for years, and yes, sometimes we saw a dark-haired man accompanying him, and yes, they seemed rather close. 

Add up a moment or two in which they make sure someone sees Guren leaving his room early in the morning, or someone sees Guren half-naked inside the room when they call for room service, always ordering for two. Great setting, actually. 

Thinking about their next secret meeting makes Shinya want to throw up.

Right now, in the back street of the hotel, he only has to embrace Guren and smile as Shigure takes their photographs again. His face will be visible, and Guren will be seen from the back, noticeably a man in men’s clothes this time. He will still say it’s a woman, though, and it’s not like his father is going to have any proof. 

Still, his father is a—he is a terrifying man, to say the least. 

Guren places his hands on Shinya’s shoulders and starts kneading the tense muscles there. He closes his eyes and sighs, putting his own hands at Guren’s waist. 

“What is it?” Guren asks. Shinya opens his eyes and sees Guren’s handsome face looking at him with concern, noticing his doubts, and maybe his fears too, and Shinya doesn't have the strength in him to smile and deflect. Guren’s mouth is curved downwards, and his eyebrows are furrowed. Shinya wants to kiss both spots and relieve him of the worry. 

“My father…" He starts, unsure of how to continue. He’d never mentioned to Guren the things his father did most of the time, he didn't feel like he needed to, knowing that he went as far as assassinating three men who were shit-talking about him, all three close to Guren. Guren has experienced all the disgusting and vile things Hiiragi Tenri could do to keep the power in his hands first hand and Shinya never wanted to add more burden onto his shoulders by sharing his own. It wasn't like Guren could do anything to stop it, so—what was the point of worrying him? 

However, years have torn him apart, tired him, and slowly ripped him off of the skin he was wearing back at home. He tried to fix it—fix himself, that bruised skin, but it was no use. More than anything, he wanted to give up. He knew Mahiru understood him since she was experiencing similar treatment, but—they weren't the kind of people to confide in each other and comfort each other—Mahiru crying in his arms about the Shinoa situation was the furthest they went in their relationship. It surprised Shinya as much as it surprised Mahiru herself. Perhaps she was tired as well. 

“You know how my father is,” he settles on. “I'm just worried this plan will blow in our faces.” 

“It won't.” 

“I'm confident that we will manage it, but there's still a worry that never goes away.” Anxiety, he recognizes. A feeling he hasn't let himself feel in years. Maybe this is just all those years of pent-up petty anxiousness finally crashing down on him. “I'm worried that you… we will end up like your father.” Guren’s face falls, and Shinya regrets saying anything. Guren recovers pretty quickly though, and doesn't let him apologize. 

“It won't—I won't let that happen. I won't let him take you away from me like he took my father away. I promise.”

It sounds stupid, but it is extremely relieving regardless, and Shinya feels so fond of this man he thinks he is going to melt into a puddle on the ground. He smiles, he’s aware he must look like a lovestruck idiot, though he still doesn't try to stop it. He leans in for a quick kiss as though it’s the most natural thing to do, almost stops, and then remembers that they were supposed to be kissing anyway for the camera. 

So, he kisses him. 

He tightens his embrace, Guren’s body is a comfortable weight against his; it’s familiar. He traces Guren’s back with his fingers, Guren hums against his mouth, content, and Shinya thinks, in a moment of weakness, that perhaps... they might have something real. 

Later. Maybe. 

He pulls back to break the kiss. Guren follows him briefly with his closed eyes and slightly open mouth before he stops. He keeps his eyes closed for another second or two, and Shinya uses that moment to watch him and remember his expression in case… 

Well. In case nothing goes according to plan or, after all this is done, he doesn't get to see it again. 

It’s the same ritual—Shigure leaves first after telling them she’s done with taking photographs, Shinya leaves second, and Guren leaves last. They’ll keep the photographs for themselves, for now, Shinya doesn't want to deal with Hiiragi Tenri before their plan is more solid. He will still have to meet up with Guren on a regular basis, though. Which is fine.

Even if they fail to murder his adoptive father or if things between them do not evolve into something more, he should at least enjoy it while it lasts, right?

Shinya is good at lying, to others and to himself. He is skilled at either downplaying what actually occurred or deluding himself into believing that something occurred when in fact, it did not. So, for this once, he will be pretending that whatever is between them is real.

It should be more convincing in the future when they reveal their ‘relationship’, anyway.

And, at the far end of the tunnel, if what’s waiting for him is heartbreak... That is a problem for future Shinya. It’s better than looking back at these days and wishing he had tried harder.

Who knows, maybe Guren wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of them getting together for real. Guren’s attraction to men wasn’t exactly a secret; it was just never talked about because Guren usually seemed like he would rather pretend it wasn’t there, so Shinya hadn’t pried it. Yet.

A few weeks later, Shinya has to visit Nagoya again for the reason that Hiiragi Tenri’s office in the city is understaffed due to the chief editor’s wife falling ill and the editor taking annual leave. He will be staying there for three weeks. A week after that, Guren tells everyone a distant uncle of his that lived in Shizuoka had passed away, and since he had no children, it was Guren’s duty to handle funeral matters. 

A lie, of course. The chief editor’s wife hasn’t fallen sick, Guren just paid him a good amount of money to use that as an excuse and sent them off on a holiday. Guren doesn’t have an uncle that passed away either, he is only telling them he will be in Shizuoka while he actually visits Shinya at the hotel in Nagoya. 

So he checks into the hotel and gets inside his room, waiting for Guren. He looks at the clock; there is still another hour until Guren arrives. He decides to take a shower, shaves even though he doesn't really need to, gets dressed nice and clean, and starts waiting for him again. There is still half an hour until Guren arrives. Knowing his personality, Guren will be late, so—that’s another half an hour waiting for him. He opens the top buttons of his shirt. He’s fresh out of the shower, but he still feels his palms sweating. They aren't even going to do anything—Guren will be topless and they’ll pose against the open window again—his face turned away from the street but his back still so obviously a man. 

Shinya thinks he can calm his nerves by the time Guren arrives, since he is sure he will be late, and then—

The door to his room knocks.

Guren arrives early.

The one time he needs to be late, he arrives early.

By now, Shinya likes to think they have gotten used to each other. However, he can feel the same nervousness radiating off of Guren. 

So… Tonight is going to be awkward then. Alright. 

He shoots Guren a grin, hoping that he will play along. “Eager, are we? I wasn’t expecting you to come early.” 

And, as though Guren sensed his desperation to keep things at a level that’s considered somewhat normal—as normal as faking a relationship with your childhood best friend who married your adoptive sister so you can ruin your father’s reputation before killing him can get—, he puts on a smiling face for him. “Of course. I just couldn’t sit around and wait, I had to rush here with anticipation.”

“Oh, your wife must be treating you awfully for you to be this desperate.”

“Yeah, she is awful. Always works, and never is at home. Even when she is, she is always too tired to even speak to me. If I was a wife, I would treat my husband right.”

Interesting. “You’re right,” he sighs, in an exaggerated manner, and reaches out to hold Guren’s jacket’s lapels. “Maybe I should take you as my wife, then. I would have been a lucky man.” A hotel maid has just turned the corner, in time for her to see Shinya pulling Guren inside. The timing couldn’t have been perfect. Shinya made sure his voice was loud enough for her to hear, so that there was no room for doubt about what they would be doing inside and what they were.

“Is Shigure outside?” 

Guren nods and starts taking off his jacket, then his vest, and his shirt. He is left with his undershirt and Shinya almost asks him to keep it on just in case he can’t handle seeing—touching Guren’s naked skin. Of course, he will never embarrass himself by saying such things—he is better than that. He will simply ignore how his heart turns into a squeezed orange every time he feels the warmth of Guren’s body.

The weather is luckily chilly outside, so at least he doesn’t grow hot as he holds Guren, his back against the balcony rails as Shigure hopefully manages to get a few good shots down the street, and looks lovingly into his eyes.

It's all for a few pictures, of course.

They get inside after a few minutes. Guren complains the whole time, Shinya sometimes wonders how he is putting up with him.

Although, Guren also has to put up with Shinya in return, so maybe they deserve each other.

“Finally done with it for today,” Guren says, and starts unpacking the small suitcase he brought along, “Can't wait to sleep.” He sounds too blissful, and Shinya delights in the way he is about to break that bliss. 

“Not so fast, Guren. Take a shower first.”

Guren groans. “In the morning, Now I just want to sleep.” 

“No—there is another thing we must do before sleeping.” 

Guren turns to him, mildly interested, “What might that be?” 

“I will be ordering a bottle of drink and two cups to the room. When they arrive and I open the door, you’ll be just out of the shower, in your bathrobes, and you’ll act like you are trying to hide.” 

Guren ponders. “Too much work.” 

“Stop complaining, it’s for the plan.” 

“Someone already saw us earlier, and I have no doubt that you've done it on purpose.” 

“The more people see, the more chances that one of them is going to open their mouth about what they witnessed.” 

Guren must think he made sense, so he makes his way into the bathroom. Shinya can hear him complain even after the door is shut. Once Guren is out, Shinya calls for the room service to bring them wine. The service is quick, and Shinya gets up to open the door after he makes sure he looks a little messed up with his unkempt hair and an unbuttoned shirt. 

It goes just as he planned: Shinya opens the door wide. He picks up the luxurious copper tray and thanks the young boy with a smile. Guren opens the bathroom door. 

“Shinya, dear—” Shinya immediately closes the door and blocks the view of the boy in front of him. Guren ‘notices’ the open door and the stranger outside and goes back into the bathroom. Shinya notices the boy’s eyes widening, going back and forth twice before he regains that polite expression.

“Ah,” he does his best to look timid and embarrassed at ‘getting caught’. “Thank you, again. For now, you can leave.” He closes the door with haste, without letting the boy reply. 

End scene.

“Guren, come out.” 

Guren comes out, dressed in his nightwear. Shinya sighs. What a shame—he really wanted to see Guren in his towels and nothing else. 

Maybe next time. 

“It’s unfair that a random boy has seen you fresh out of the shower yet I haven't.” 

Guren doesn't grace him with a reply, he doesn't even bother rolling his eyes, he flat-out ignores Shinya and goes straight to bed. 

“Well. Goodnight, Guren.” 

“Mhm.” Shinya has a suspicion that Guren fell asleep before his head fell to the pillow. He changes his clothes as well and glances at the tray and full bottle with longing. He sighs. He thought they would have a glass or two before going to sleep. 

Maybe next time. 

He gets into the bed as well, next to Guren. There is an arm-length space between them. Shinya desperately wants to close that space. He can. Guren sleeps deeply when he is tired. He doesn't even stir the whole night. He remembers that on the day of the funeral of his father, they all stayed for a sleepover. Shinya couldn't sleep and instead just lied on the mattress, right next to Guren and Goshi. Deep in thoughts and worry, he watched Guren until sunrise. Guren lied on his back when he went to sleep and didn't move an inch the whole night. Shinya would have thought that Guren had died in his sleep, if not for the soft movement of his chest whenever he breathed in and out. Guiltily, he thought he was glad that it wasn't Guren who was harmed—as to send a message to his father for warning. He hated that he thought it, because Guren was hurting and because Sakae-san was an amazing man who didn't deserve it at all, but—

Guren was fine. 

Shinya had never thought of death before—it wasn't like he cared much for life or death. He didn't care who lived and who died, if he would die at any moment. Hiiragi Tenri was a man capable of harming people. Whether children or not, it didn't matter to him. 

He remembers shuddering at the thought of the places his mind had wandered to, and drawing closer to Guren, to shield him from the outside world. 

He can move closer to Guren tonight, again, and—

There is no one around to stop him. Only a little bit should be fine. Close enough to feel his presence, his heat. Enough to hear him softly breathe into the night. Enough to—enough to—pretend that this is—

Anyway.

He closes his eyes, sighs, and hopes that sleep will come to him easily.

There was one issue, and it was just that... it’s not Shinya’s fault that he liked the warmth. 

He always liked the comforting presence of another person with him. It was like this as long as he could remember. Things that happened at home made him more cautious toward other people, but that didn't change the fact that he yearned for another person in his arms, and it was Guren, after all. He subconsciously kept touching him in one way or another: whether it was a pat on the back, bumping their shoulders together, or embracing someone while sleeping. He was used to Guren’s presence; he was familiar with his figure. 

Which was what happened overnight as well. 

He wakes up to Guren’s snoring with his head buried in Guren’s side and his arm thrown over his waist, their legs tangled. Shinya feels embarrassed, an emotion he seldom feels, and wants to untangle himself from Guren until—

Until he notices that Guren’s arm is over him, holding him gently. 

He can get away from him, it’s not like Guren’s grip is tight or that he’s the kind of guy to wake up from such an act. He can. 

He should. 

He doesn't. 

In the end, he closes his eyes with the relief that at least when they wake up, Guren will be embarrassed and annoyed at himself. He also gets to sleep close to Guren, basking in his warmth, so. A win. 

It’s the middle of the night. The room is cold. Another person is simply warm... 

The next time he wakes up, the sun has already risen. He needs to get up and go to work, but Guren is embracing him behind, and he simply doesn't want to leave the bed. He leans back to rest his back against Guren’s chest comfortably. He tries to enjoy this silent moment by closing his eyes. The warm morning sun is hitting his face. He smiles and absent-mindedly starts tracing his fingers on the back of Guren’s hand. He does it until he feels Guren stir behind him. Guren lets out a contented hum before he notices the position they are in. Shinya feels him go tense, then waits for him to subtly get away from him while he keeps pretending to be asleep until Guren—

Guren kisses his shoulder. 

It’s so soft that Shinya thinks he might have imagined it. But there is no way he could imagine that because even in his deepest dreams, he can only see Guren kicking him to push him off the bed if they were to wake up like this. 

Ah. 

This… he likes this one more. It’s nicer and makes him sigh involuntarily. Guren freezes, then jumps back so hard that Shinya snaps his head to look behind him, only to witness Guren falling off the bed just in time. There’s a short moment of silence before Shinya bursts into laughter and Guren yells at him. 

“You've been awake?” 

“Guren you—you actually fell—” 

“Shut up—! Why were you feigning sleep?”

He gets up and gets out of bed. “I wanted to see how you’d react.” 

Guren grabs the first thing near him, the clock on the bedside table, and Shinya ducks inside the bathroom right before he throws it in his face. 

The next two weeks are going to be entertaining. 

[19xx, Summer after Secondary School, Tokyo] 

Mahiru smiled at her father and said, “Of course, father. I will make our family proud.” 

Hiiragi Tenri’s expression before her seemed to have softened a bit, it almost looked like a smile. A few years back, Mahiru would be over the moon for making her father slightly happy. Now, as Tenri gave her a pat on the head, all she wanted to do was throw up. She smiled regardless of her internal turmoil and tried to focus on anything but the weight of the hand she was too familiar with on her body. He hasn't been close to her for a long time, and she seems to have taken the space for granted. 

Still, she bowed her head slightly, an excuse to get away from his touch, and left the room. When she was still younger, she wouldn't understand how her father could seem sweet for a moment, making her happy, and then the next few weeks, he would hurt her beyond imagination. Why would he act like she could make him happy—make him proud—if he was going to forget it the next moment? She spent all those years of her childhood and some of her teens working hard to put a smile on his face, for a word of praise, for one act of kindness from him. She didn't know why it was so hard for him to give her that, to tell her a few words that would make her day. She didn't ask for much from him. 

Sometimes he would—he would act like the father she always imagined him to be, only for him to turn into an entirely different person the next day. Mahiru would spend her days spiraling and getting lost in her own thoughts, inspecting her every move to find out what she did to make him upset enough to harm her. She would try harder, work more, be better in every way possible until—

Until she realized that she would return to him, run after him like a loyal dog, even after being discarded, and that was exactly what he wanted her to do. He kept her on a leash that was small praises from time to time, and she couldn't do anything but be dragged after it whether she liked it or not. Since she was born with that leash around her neck—she wasn't sure how to get free from it. Studying at the academy in a different city sounded like a dream—she would be having her own life away from him, from this house, and she would be able to get a job and build her own life alone. She could finally chew on that leash when her father was too far away to notice it but—

But. 

Shinoa was still here, in the house with him. If Mahiru left her all by herself and didn't look back, what kind of a sister would she be? She took on the role of raising her as the oldest sister—it was expected of her anyway. She didn't get to do it with Seishirou, as they were close in age, but she was still expected to take care of his mess all the time. If he broke a vase at home, then why didn't Mahiru clean it up? If he got into a fight at school, why didn't Mahiru stop it? If he failed at his classes, why didn't Mahiru tutor him well and do his homework? 

Mahiru took the duty of taking care of Shinoa willingly though. She was much younger and much more vulnerable. She didn't want her to... end up like her, to become her. 

Mahiru became this... this half a person, she grew up learning how to lie to and manipulate people at a very young age. She was detached from most of the people she knew as she couldn't afford to care for them. She spent her days thinking of all the possible horrifying things that could happen and how she could react to them instead of going on her day normally like others. Her mind was rotten to the core, it was a home for the lowest and most disgraceful thoughts. She was a bad person with mean feelings, she could easily cut someone off and start digging up holes for them to fall into and be buried alive because she was just that petty, she was—

She was all those things, she could think of all these names and labels for herself; none good, never good. Even her kindness was just imitating other people's. Her humanity was nothing but a skin she wore, just like the wolf in that story who wore the skin of a sheep to blend in with the other sheep, so he could trick and eat them one by one. 

Shinoa was everything she was not. She had a big heart, she was capable of love, and she deserved good things. Sometimes Mahiru saw herself in her, like when she showed herself as someone who was a bit of a meanie or when she teased others with the same mannerisms as Mahiru—flicking her wrist in the same way or curling a strand of her hair at the nape with her index finger. She was a smart girl too, and Mahiru did everything she could in her power to smooth out the worst parts of herself so Shinoa wouldn't take her as an example like she was always told to. Mahiru had nothing to be taken as an example of—except her hardworking nature maybe. She was aware that she was amazing from the outside. She played that smart, pretty, charming, funny, successful, and kind lady role disgustingly well, sometimes well enough to convince herself she was all those things. 

She didn't realize she was standing in front of her father’s office until Shinya came to her. She only noticed that her face was somewhat blank, her smile falling right after she left the room. Shinya looked at her, then somewhere behind her—to where her father’s office was. Mahiru remembered to smile as he hesitantly reached a hand out, only to draw it back. His eyes were roaming around her face, on the parts of her body visible from her dress. 

Oh, Mahiru realizes. He’s looking for —

“He only called me to speak with him, nothing else.” 

She saw the worry in his face leave its place for relief. “What did he say?”

“He’s sending me away,” she said. Then, a bit desperately, she repeated, “Shinya, he’s sending me away.” 

“Where? Why?” 

“To Sendai. For the academy, after graduation.” 

Shinya beamed at her, “Mahiru, that’s great. It is your chance. You can never come back if you don't want to—" 

“What about Shinoa?” 

“What about her?”

“Who will take care of her when I'm gone?” 

“That’s what you’re worried about—?” 

“Yes!” 

“Of course I will!” 

Oh—That made a lot of sense, actually. 

“She is my sister too.” 

She was, wasn't she? Mahiru has been dependent on herself for so long that she forgot that she would get help if she asked for it. 

If only she knew how to ask. 

Luckily, Shinya had been by her side for almost her entire life and he was a genius of sorts, thus, she didn't always have to voice what she needed. He understood her, saw her, knew her. 

“Is there anything else you would want from me while you are gone?”

Mahiru raised an eyebrow.

Shinya coughed lightly, “It’s just that—I’ve never properly thanked you. I feel owed to you, in a way.”

“What would you need to thank me for?”

Shinya averted his eyes and shifted his weight between his feet. It was unlike him to get nervous. “For…” He sighs, hesitant to continue, and Mahiru waits for him to gather his thoughts. She wasn’t exactly the kind of person that could be considered kind at heart, so what could she possibly have done for him? “Do you remember the first few months after I came here? Back then—you found me. You drew me a bath.”

“I have never—” 

Oh.

She remembered that, of course. It should have been obvious, since it was the only thing he would feel uncomfortable discussing.

“I wouldn’t say I drew you a bath. I didn’t do anything—really, it was nothing.”

Shinya smiled at him, and Mahiru didn’t like the way it made him look exhausted and sad. “You grabbed my hand and dragged me into your room. You put up a warm bath and got me inside. You found me clean clothes to change into. You even offered me to stay over the night if I was scared, even though I wasn’t allowed to stay at the main estate after that hour. It was very unlike you, the Mahiru I got to know until that day.”

Mahiru remembered it clearly. They were both only around nine years old, too young to even comprehend what happened, but she understood it anyway, even if she didn’t know how to say it out loud. She understood it because—because she lived it too. 

She didn’t have anyone around to hold her hand when it happened. She had to walk back into her room, silently crying, take a bath, change into clean clothes, comb her hair, and cry herself to sleep, all alone. She was even younger than Shinya, Shinoa wasn’t born yet.

She didn’t have to be able to say anything about it to recognize the signs: a fearful look on Shinya’s face, bruises made by a hand that seemed and felt huge back then—a hand that still seems huge. 

She has never thought too much about the action—she only wanted to do things she wished someone else did for her, she only tried to prevent him from being lonely because she has been there, isolated from her other siblings, and—it fucking sucked. Things would have been much different if only someone had been there for her when they should have been. She didn’t know how to ask for help, she still didn't, and she knew Shinya didn’t either, back then. He still didn't ask.

“It was nothing, you don’t owe me anything for that. Anyone would have done the same.”

“It was the… first act of kindness I have received in such a long time. It happened perhaps on the worst night of my life but… still—you holding my hand as you lead me to a safer place was—still is one of the warmest memories I have. You may think of it as nothing but—it meant the world to me, Mahiru. I know we haven’t been as close as we could have been under different circumstances, and I’m aware that my status in this house is nowhere near yours. I'm just a servant dog your father bought, but I want you to know that I consider you one of my dearest friends. I wanted—I wanted you to remember that after you leave.”

Mahiru knew she should have said that she returned the sentiment, but she was uncharacteristically embarrassed and overwhelmed. She knew Shinya cared about her and she cared about him too, but they never talked deeply about their emotions or thoughts. She assumed that their close relationship was only because it was the best they could get in this house. She didn’t know Shinya cherished her deeply. She could only nod and leave without saying anything.

[19yy, Present, Nagoya] 

The next two weeks are better than Shinya imagined.

He thought that there would be suffocating awkwardness between them. However, like petals falling onto still water slowly and softly, they fell into a rhythm together. Guren wakes up early in the morning with him and they order breakfast to the room. Guren helps him choose what to wear sometimes—all suggestions are ignored by Shinya, claiming that he has an awful taste (he doesn't really, it’s not as bad as Shinya makes it out to be, but Shinya loves teasing him); Guren waiting for him with their dinner just ordered to the room. 

(Shinya said Guren was adorable, getting the food ready for him; Guren, annoyed, said that it’s because he was hungry waiting all day for Shinya. Shinya said that Guren doesn't have to wait for Shinya to arrive, he can eat earlier if he wants to. Guren stayed silent, ignoring his words. Although he doesn't dare to voice it out loud yet, Shinya thinks he knows what Guren wanted to say. Shinya simply enjoys eating with Guren. He is sure that the sentiment is mutual. 

He has to remind himself that just like the hotel room they are using, their relationship is a fleeting thing; it doesn't belong to them, it belongs to the public, it’s a tool to be used temporarily for bigger purposes. Just like a hotel room, it is bound to be left behind once it has fulfilled its purpose. Eventually, just like this hotel room, they will only be a memory and a record in the archives.) 

Guren sleeps with him every night. They wake up close or tangled up each morning. Sometimes it’s Shinya, hugging Guren from behind. Sometimes it’s Guren, burying himself in Shinya’s arms, on his chest. Shinya jokes about how he must have a comfortable body for Guren to mistake it as his pillow. Guren glares at him and rolls his eyes. 

They usually have a few drinks after dinner, but not too much during the weekdays because Shinya has to work the next morning. Those times when Guren is tipsy enough to not scowl all the time and pretend he hates Shinya, he laughs more. He smiles more and he looks younger, and he reminds Shinya of their youth, the days when he fell for him. This Guren seems to have no worries. His shoulders are more relaxed, his smile is more frequent and his laughs are louder. His eyes shine and he sits closer to Shinya, their arms touching or linked, his thigh resting comfortably next to Shinya's, sometimes going as far as to rest his head against his shoulder. 

Shinya likes the Guren in the mornings; the one that bickers with him, the one that gets annoyed at him easily, the one that annoys him easily, and the one that sends him scowls and glares. He likes the Guren at nights more though; the one that looks at him like Shinya is the moon and the sky himself, like the earth beneath his feet, the birds chirping in the morning, the plum trees that blossom in the spring, the summer roses, the cooling lake waters, the shooting stars, the snow that falls onto the mountains and the snow that melts into the creaks. Unrestrained and free, full of—something Shinya doesn't have the courage to name, yet. 

That Guren, he gets to kiss, even if it’s fake. Shinya allows himself to pretend that it’s not, because the way Guren’s gaze falters to his lips the whole night, like he’s impatient to taste him again before they finally kiss, the way he desperately holds onto him and drags the moment as much as he can, like he also doesn't want it to come to an end, the way his face softens around the edges after the kiss, the way he speaks to him gently and silently as though he doesn't want to shatter the night—

It all seems too real for a fake relationship. 

If it is fake on Guren’s side, then he’s putting too much effort into it. Shinya fears that he’s the only one thinking that whatever they have right now could be something real eventually—that he’s getting the signals wrong and—he will end up alone. That Guren will leave him with a goodbye kiss. 

He is the type to do that. If he figures out Shinya’s feelings for him, he would give him one last kiss, for Shinya to cherish forever. He would let Shinya pretend one more time, knowing that they wouldn't be doing that anymore in the future. 

Guren is kind at heart; this kindness both scares and breaks Shinya. Sometimes he believes he doesn't deserve it. 

For a few days, things are serene. The outside world, their titles, and the future are forgotten. The weight of the crushing responsibilities is lifted. Shinya tries not to think about how it’s going to be over soon because after they return to Tokyo, there will be no need for them to fake a relationship. They have taken all the pictures they could have—the rest are just waiting for a good time to release them. They have enough witnesses too—in this hotel, in the restaurants, tea shops, and cafes where they went to date, in the streets where they had their ‘secret’ meetings. 

So, all that’s left for them is to end their relationship, go back to their old lives, and unravel everything one by one until the Hiiragi family falls. 

There isn't much to do, actually—there is one of Hiiragi Tenri’s children, whom he refuses to acknowledge. It wouldn't have much impact, many men in the world have kids they won't claim. There is Guren and Shinya’s ‘relationship’, which is more sensational. After that, there will be Guren and Mahiru’s divorce. Again, it’s only natural for them to do so since Guren will be exposed as a homosexual—but she will still be taking half the blame for it, for not being able to keep her husband happy enough for him to seek happiness in men, and for divorcing him as a woman on top of that. Then, there will be Seishirou’s little stories made into the newspapers. Lastly, Mahiru’s ‘relationship’ with Mito, which has been going on for years, will be revealed. 

Then, they will finally kill Hiiragi Tenri after shredding him off of the last name he is so reliant on. 

Shinya has so little belief in the plan that he thinks that it will blow in their faces before it’s over or that the mighty Hiiragi won't even be affected by those rumors, given that he has a gift for politics. Guren has him pressed against the balcony rails right now, though, so he won't be thinking about the murder he will be committing. He pulls back slightly to gasp for air, Guren starts peppering kisses along his chin and jaw, then down his neck. His skin feels thin and sensitive. 

“I thought—" Oh, he didn't think speaking would be hard, “That Shigure was supposed to see me.”

Guren stops kissing him, and he regrets opening his mouth to talk. He smiles, that little demon, pleased with the effect he has had on Shinya. “You only thought of it minutes after I had my tongue deep down your throat?”

Guren has… a natural talent for making things worse than they sound. When he puts it like that, it sounds disgusting. Shinya makes a face. 

“What?” Guren asks, with that stupid smile still on his face, “I thought you liked it, just a moment ago?” 

Shinya decides in a split second that he will ignore this to return to his previous point. “At this angle, Shigure won't be able to capture my face. Come on, let’s switch places.” Shinya pushes him lightly from the chest, but Guren doesn't budge. He simply brings his hands together on the rails behind Shinya’s back. It closes the last remaining distance between them and Shinya should feel caged, he should want to get away, but… he just wants to surrender. He wants to not be on edge, not be taking so many precautions for this once. 

He trusts Guren. He trusts him to catch him if needed. 

He feels dizzy with the amount of love and trust he feels. 

On the outside, he glares at Guren, annoyed that he won't be switching anytime soon. “Well, then, why are we still here? Let’s get inside since it’s pointless in this position, it’s freezing.” 

Shinya definitely isn't freezing, he’s scorching hot. They haven't gone further than making out, and even that was mild, compared to what Shinya came across in novels a few times. 

Guren looks at his face, searching for something. He’s trying to read him, that bastard, Shinya realizes. He must have disliked what he found, since he makes a face and pulls back to get inside without saying anything. 

Shinya asks him what’s wrong—which Guren keeps saying that it’s nothing. He is acting no different than married spouses  when one does something very obviously wrong, offending the other, and they just get the silent treatment in return. That’s what he’s heard it would be like, he doesn't have a functional family to compare. 

Whatever—Guren hugs him from behind the moment they get into bed, and Shinya doesn't say anything in return, so it must be fine. 

On the other hand, the next day, Guren keeps thinking how it’s not fine at all. Today is their last day where… they can live a domestic, unbothered life. For a long, long time, maybe never, they won't have this. He dresses up nicely before Shinya arrives; it’s a dark brown western suit with a long jacket that accentuates his waist and shoulders well. He debates whether or not he should be wearing the vest—he hates those, but he will be taking off his coat and his jacket later, so he puts it on while groaning. At least the asymmetric design looks good on him. His tie is purple with green lines on it—it’s kind of ugly, but it was a gift from Shinya. He combs his hair and tries not to ponder too much about what the hell he is doing. This is their last night together, and he will make the most of it while he still has the chance to. He finishes after he hangs his pocket watch. 

Thankfully, Shinya arrives without making him wait too long.

He gets up from the couch he was sitting on to welcome him—it’s more of an instinct than a conscious choice. He feels embarrassed after he realizes what he has done, although he pretends he is cool, calm, and collected. Shinya looks over at him from head to toe, Guren doesn’t miss the way his gaze lingers a bit too long on his chest. 

“What’s the occasion? You’re all dressed up nicely.” He comes close to Guren, too close for his sanity.

“Let’s go eat out today. I know a restaurant around; I’ve been wanting to try it.”

“Will Shigure be there to take pictures?”

“Of course,” Guren lies.

Shinya raises an eyebrow, and he pulls Guren’s tie from where it’s tucked inside his vest.

“I spent so long making it. Leave it alone—leave it.”

Shinya takes the front and the back of the tie and waves it in front of Guren—one part is way too long. “You’re already at this age and you can’t even tie a tie properly.” He undoes the knot and starts tying it from scratch. “Now, watch me do it and learn, you bring this piece over the other and…” Guren blocks out the rest of his words. It doesn’t matter if he listens anyway, he isn’t looking down; instead, he is looking ahead, at Shinya’s face. He can smell the faint snow and cold from him, this close, the cologne that is wearing off, the one he wore before he left in the morning. He smiles at the focused look on his face, the way the tip of his tongue peeks out of his lips, the way he furrows his brows, the way he—

Shinya raises his eyes and opens his mouth to say something, he closes it once their eyes meet. Guren has to close his hands into a tight fist to stop himself from reaching out to kiss him. He can, actually, they have done it multiple times before but—he wants tonight to be a bit different. Dinner first. Kissing later. Shinya’s hands are still gripping his tie, he notes. His eyes flicker to Guren’s lips, and he swallows. It seems like Guren isn’t the only one holding back.

He clears his throat, the moment is broken, and Shinya pulls back after he tucks Guren’s tie under his vest. They leave after Guren picks up his coat and hat. Guren is disappointed by how eventless the dinner passes. He thought that this dinner could be something that helped cross the barriers between them, but alas... Everything is almost the same. Shinya is sickly sweet with his words, and he keeps flirting with him, clearly not taking any of it seriously. 

He reaches out across the table to hold Guren’s hands, though, and Guren can’t help to turn his own hand around to hold it loosely. He might have stroked it absentmindedly.

Guren pays for the dinner, and Shinya is delighted, which makes Guren yell at him that he won’t be paying for anything ever again. A few people turn around to look at them, but Guren ignores it as Shinya links their arms together when they leave the restaurant.

He expected better from tonight, but it wasn’t so bad.

“So,” Shinya pulls back to put a respectable distance between them. Guren tries not to take it into the heart. “Where was Shigure? I thought she would be outside, but our table was upstairs and nowhere close to the windows or balcony, so I assumed she would be indoors. However, I have yet to see her—she’s so creepy, the way she can hide and sneak around like that.” He gives Guren a side glance, and Guren feels exposed.

“I have no idea.” He lies, again. Shigure is in Tokyo, probably arriving at her home from work as they speak. “I just told her that we would be here and let her do her job.”

“...Alright.”

They walk back to the hotel in silence, except for Shinya’s humming. He doesn’t sing the lyrics, but Guren thinks he knows the song. It's got a nice tune, and Shinya’s voice makes him feel like he is wrapped in silks and velvets. He thinks it would not be so bad to hear him sing and let it lull him to sleep as he laid his head on his lap. 

They get inside their room and—

All the plans Guren made in his head are scattered onto the ground, once Shinya pulls him into a kiss as soon as the door is closed. Guren feels his hat fall from his head, and he can barely take off his coat now that Shinya pushed him toward the door. 

Shinya kisses him like he is a dying man and Guren is his source of life—desperately and insistently, greedily wanting more, more, more, more, more, more, more.

The thought makes Guren’s head dizzy, and he knows he would have fallen to his knees, his legs far too weak to support him, if not for Shinya and the door holding him upright. He doesn’t know how, but he manages to discard both their coats and jackets in the limited space he has.

He thinks he will regret it, as he lets himself be pushed toward the bed and onto it. This whole thing was supposed to be a play. They were actors, and they were not supposed to go off script. But he didn’t have much time to think about it—Shinya’s body pressed him to the bed so firmly, a comfortable weight on him, and Guren tasted his mouth, so delicious, with his tongue, and he wanted to forget that whatever they had was fake, and this wasn't supposed to be happening. It has been happening for two weeks— no, longer than that—

He couldn't forget it, but when Shinya’s hands untucked his shirt from his trousers and wandered over his now exposed skin, sending a shiver down his spine and legs, he pretended that he did. 

Later, lying on the bed with Shinya sleeping soundly next to him, his hair tousled, seeming that he wasn't always on guard, neat and kept together, his legs tangled between Guren’s under the sheets, finally looking a bit relaxed, Guren would let himself pretend a bit more until he couldn't fight exhaustion and sleep. He would run his fingers through Shinya’s soft hair, trying to fix the tangles but messing it up even more, and think that he should savor this moment as much as he could, before they woke up in the morning and act like this night has never happened. He would stay awake and keep his eyes open as much as he could, and watch Shinya freely before he was no longer allowed to.

Right now though… Right now, he thinks he should push Shinya and get on top of him. As soon as he does that, he pulls back to look at him.

There he is: lying with all his beauty on the bed. His face is flushed red slightly from the cold earlier and the heat he’s sharing with Guren, and his lips are bruised—

He tilts his head to the side and raises an eyebrow. It’s more of a challenge than an invitation.

Guren takes it.

He puts his hands on either side of Shinya’s head, and with his legs straddling his waist, it looks like he’s imprisoning him. Guren mimics the gesture Shinya made earlier and tilts his head to the side as he raises an eyebrow. “Got you,” he doesn’t mean to whisper it.

Shinya chuckles, “Oh, did you, now… You may have my body and my time, but never my heart.”

“I can try.”

Shinya rolls his eyes, “Yeah, you can only try. It will never go anywhere from there.”

“Don’t you know,” Guren says, “that you break my heart, whenever you say things like this?”

Shinya has the audacity to look confused, “Like what? I’ve always spoken this way.”

“Before—” Guren starts, unsure of what he should say, “Before. It was different. I didn’t know what you looked like when I kissed you or—I didn’t have you under me, looking so—pliant and willing—and wanting something intense from me. I didn’t know that you could look this fierce and beautiful, when you had put something in your mind and wanted it.”

It’s the closest he can get to a confession; Shinya replies without thinking of an answer, and like every other time he does it, it leads to something stupid from his mouth. “Aww, you think I’m handsome. You’re so sweet.”

Guren pulls back and sits up, genuinely annoyed this time. “Why do you always have to tease me, even when I’m being—” He shakes his head. “Nevermind.”

Shinya sits up as well, looking only half-apologetic. He takes one of Guren’s hands into his own and plants a kiss on his wrist. It’s soft—Guren barely feels it, but it makes him burn just the same, starting from the place Shinya kissed and spreading to his entire body. “I wasn’t teasing. I really—” He takes Guren’s hand to his chest, on his heart. Guren feels it pumping wildly, as unsteady as his own heart. “Really find it sweet.” He laughs, and Guren feels himself smiling, against all his wishes. His hand is already there, so Guren starts stripping him off of his shirt. Once he is done, he just stops. He has no idea where to go from here. He hopes that Shinya does.

“Have you…” He starts asking but—it’s already hard enough to voice something like that out loud, it’s worse when the person he is speaking to will be teasing him endlessly once he does. The other option he has is to try and look confident when he really is not. Shinya has always been good at reading him anyway, so there isn’t any point in it. He would much rather Shinya take the reins and guide him, even if he makes fun of him later. Shinya makes fun of him all the time, anyway. “Have you ever had experience with someone?”

He is expecting a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. A laugh or a chuckle too, maybe. He doesn’t expect Shinya to go rigid, to grip Guren’s waist with force where he was holding it gently just now. His eyes lose their focus on Guren, he stares into nothingness, something beyond Guren. Eventually, Shinya gives him a tight smile, “When I was younger,” he says—grits out, “It doesn’t matter now, though. This is still kind of new to me.”

Shinya leans forward to kiss Guren, and Guren, confused, kisses him back. Something feels off—Guren can’t exactly put his finger on it. He gets distracted easily, Shinya kisses him roughly, as if he is trying to devour Guren alive. Guren suddenly feels weak— no, not weak, but—willing. He would have let him—let Shinya, if he were to tear Guren to pieces here. It’s a strange feeling—trusting someone enough to know that you will let them do anything to you, even if they were to ruin you. Maybe it’s not trust, not exactly, but something mixed with it. Something like—blinding love, perhaps. The kind that makes the smartest people go foolish, the mightiest emperors fall, the strongest generals be beaten. 

Or maybe it’s complete surrender to the hands of your beloved, knowing that the hand that’s wrapped around your throat will never squeeze too hard to kill you. Knowing that you share the same heart and soul, and even if they were to take away your life, they  would simply give half of theirs back to you, sharing life as well as the heart and the soul.

He feels himself surrendering and—there could be a comfort to that, if Shinya wasn’t acting strange. The hand at his waist is still gripping him hard, no doubt leaving bruises and even scars there. Guren finds that he doesn’t mind the pain—but rather the way Shinya is tense, so obviously out of his element. The way he kisses—it feels like a practiced motion, like someone instructed him how to do it, and he is trusting his memory instead of his emotions. Guren pulls back, “Shinya—” Shinya kisses him again and shuts him up—it’s not so effective when Guren is now sure that something is wrong. He needs to clear his head and think—which has proven to be extremely hard when Shinya’s free hand is flitting on his back, under his half-buttoned shirt. His nails scratch him lightly, and Guren shivers. He puts his hands on Shinya’s shoulders and pushes him away. He can’t go too far, as Guren is still sitting on his lap. “Stop.” 

Shinya opens his eyes and looks at Guren, who is short of breath, and grins at him. Guren is aware. He spent years trying to figure out what every little gesture meant on Shinya’s face. Every expression, every look, every smile—Guren knows it all by heart now. This—the teasing, the smile, the confidence—it's all fake. “What, scared?” He leans forward again and whispers against his lips, “Or overwhelmed, maybe?” Guren pushes him again, and Shinya frowns this time. He lightly puts his hand on Shinya’s wrist, the hand that’s still holding onto Guren like he’s trying to rip a part of his skin and muscle off of his body, and says in a gentle voice, “You’re hurting me.”

Shinya pulls his hand back suddenly, Guren doesn’t have time to grab it and hold it. He cradles his own hand toward his chest. His face goes through a mixed string of emotions; shame and apology are apparent in each one of them. He doesn’t look at Guren’s eyes; instead he is fixed on the spot, trying to seize the damage done through Guren’s clothes. Guren sighs internally, he has to be kind about it, which normally wouldn’t be a problem. He just... isn’t exactly a kind guy. He reaches out to hold Shinya’s hands. He pries them open, taking his hands into his. Shinya looks at him, opening his mouth and closing it a few times, unsure of what to say.

“I’m not angry,” Guren says. “I don’t mind the pain. I... quite like it, actually.” Hm. He will have to come back to this information  again in the future. “What’s wrong? What did I say?” He will take it back, whatever it was. He thinks back—he only asked Shinya to stop teasing him and take him a bit more seriously, and asked if he was experienced. Maybe Shinya changed his mind and didn’t want to continue anymore, but he felt he was obligated to. “We don’t have to continue if that’s the problem.”

“It’s not, it’s—” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The smile he gives him when he opens his eyes is tired, resigned. “Don’t worry about it. I want to continue.”

Guren shakes his head. He will worry about it, of course. “Tell me?” It’s a question, not a demand.

Shinya looks at him, with sad and tired eyes, and eventually says, “Just remembered some bad memories, that is all. Nothing to worry about, it’s not relevant to this moment at all.”

Guren will worry, but for now, he shuts up, knowing that this will be the best answer he will get. He desperately wants Shinya to tell him the real problem—if he can fix it or make it better. He lets Shinya’s hands go to cradle his face to kiss him for a short while. When they part, Shinya seems better. Maybe the myth about ‘kissing it better’ is true—kissing lessens the pain and makes things better. “What about you, dear mister, do you have any experience?”

Guren thinks about it. “Kind of,” he eventually decides.

Shinya waits for the rest of the sentence, and when it doesn’t come, he whines, “Come on, tell me. How can you say that and leave me hanging?” He holds the back of his neck and pulls him into a kiss. It’s a slow one, he gently moves his lips over Shinya's. Shinya sighs and opens the last few buttons on his shirt. Guren lets him take it off of him. Shinya supports his back with his hands and places him back on the bed again. He pulls back and frowns, looking down, Guren knows he’s looking at the bruise. Shinya sighs and strokes the area with his fingertips; the skin there is tender and, with the harsh treatment earlier, it feels even more sensitive; Guren can't hold back the gasp that comes. Shinya looks at him briefly, still frowning and with a serious expression, and he’s looking down on him and—

Guren likes it. 

Shinya is the type of person that can turn anything into a joke, into something funny, thus he rarely sees him with seriousness. He hates showing that side of him, it took Guren years to carefully thread to figure out which of his words were the truth, which were teasings, and which were lies. He spent so long looking at Shinya attentively, trying to understand if the smile on his face was a lie, a mask, or true. Needless to say, he was disappointed when he figured out most of them were fake. He pretended that something didn't affect him, but it did, it clearly did—the corners of his lips would be taut, and the shine in his eyes would be gone. 

So, whenever Guren got to see this serious, worried, deep-in-thought Shinya, the one that was more honest with him, he liked it. It meant that Shinya trusted him enough to drop the mask he was wearing around Guren. 

Shinya keeps making his fingers wander on Guren’s sensitive skin, sending shivers down his spine. He probably isn't even aware of what he’s doing; he seems focused on one spot. Guren wants Shinya to give all his attention to him, not an unimportant part of his body. Besides, what was there to worry about? Guren already said he enjoyed it. 

“Shinya,” he calls out. His voice is breathy, and it’s close to a whisper. Shinya looks at him. “Stop worrying, you stupid.” 

Shinya licks his lips, “It looks hideous.” 

“You always tell me I have an ugly personality, so now I have the physical appearance to match it.” 

Shinya laughs, not expecting him to say something like that, it catches him by surprise. Guren likes that too—when he says something unexpected of him and it catches Shinya off-guard and makes him laugh, loud and bright. His laughter fades shortly after, and what’s left is a solemn look. “It looks like someone forced their way with you.” 

Guren’s heartstrings are pulled, and his throat refuses to take any more air in him; this, and his earlier statement about the experience—has someone—

“No one hasn't,” he says hurriedly. “You haven't. I liked it.” Shinya still looks distant. Guren isn't good at comforting people, especially in situations he hasn't been in, he isn't sure what to say—he doesn’t even know why Shinya would be afraid of being a vile person like that — “I would let you lead me anywhere blindfolded, I would trust you to be alone with you even if you tied my hands, I—I know you. I know you and I trust you.” 

Shinya’s face flushes red, “You…” He starts, at a loss for words. “You really don't need to put it that way.” 

Guren frowns, “Like what?” 

Shinya gives him a pointed look and Guren frowns even deeper. “Oh—you don't even realize you’re doing it. You’re seriously the worst.” 

“Realize what—?” Shinya takes his hands in his and raises them above his head. He links their fingers together and firmly holds his arms in place. He towers over Guren in this position. He raises an eyebrow and—

Oh. Oh. 

Yeah. Okay. He gets it now. He shifts uncomfortably, a little embarrassed, and Shinya laughs at him. “Don't laugh!” He yells, but it’s ineffective, even to his own ears when he is aware he likes it. 

Shinya laughs and sounds better, “What, embarrassed now? Serves you right, honestly, saying all that with a straight face…" 

“I wasn't thinking of this when I said it!” 

“You, under me, half naked and out of breath, saying that you would let me tie you up. What does that sound like?” 

“Shut up—" He groans. Shinya kisses his jaw, and Guren lets out a relieved breath. He kisses his lips next—but pulls away without letting it get any deeper. Guren tries to lean in for another kiss, but he keeps pulling away—“Tease,” he says, rolling his eyes. 

Shinya laughs, and Guren can't stop the smile forming on his face. He must look absolutely smitten now—he can worry about that later, though, because the next moment Shinya gives him what he wants and kisses him, stealing all the coherent thoughts he has. He shifts his hold on Guren’s hands, unlinking their fingers and holding them together from his wrists with one hand. He uses his free hand to trail a line through his arm, his blunt fingers applying the smallest pressure. He likes the sensation it gives; the skin is sensitive; he has to bite Shinya’s bottom lip to suppress the possible sounds he might make. Shinya smiles at the kiss, and Guren can't kiss him properly, because he realizes he’s smiling as well. Shinya’s hand is resting on his ribcage now. Shinya pulls back and Guren can finally breathe. He releases his hands, Guren feels his arms slightly burn when he uses them to throw them over Shinya’s shoulders.

“I managed to take your breath away, huh?”

“Shut up,” Guren says, with no bite behind the words. “Like you’re any different.”

Shinya laughs again, and Guren is glad that he lived long enough to hear such a lovely song. “What about you? What do you mean you’re ‘kind of’ experienced?”

“I mean, it’s not really an experience.”

“Do tell me more.”

“No. You’re going to make fun of me.”

“I’m going to make fun of you either way.”

He exhales loudly. Fair point. “I don’t think it counts as an experience when you stop halfway through to comfort the woman you’re trying to sleep with because she suddenly started crying about another woman.”

Shinya waits for him to continue. Guren doesn’t elaborate. “You’re serious.”

“Yeah.”

“Who?”

“Mito. She cried about Shigure.” Maybe he shouldn’t be telling Shinya this, given the fact that Mito is yet to make a move on Shigure, despite Shigure’s obvious interest in her.

“Then why did she—with you?”

Guren sighs. “She told me that she liked me but also liked Shigure at the same time. Since she didn’t want to confess to her, risking ruining their friendship, she came to me instead. Then she felt guilty because she thought she was lying to me—so she started crying. Then we talked about Shigure for a long time, or—saying that she talked and I patted her head occasionally would be more accurate.”

Shinya is silent for a long moment. His face is contorted in displeasure. “I never thought that you liked Mito enough to—”

“I don’t. I didn’t.” Guren quickly explains, following Shinya’s train of thought. “She just looked miserable, and I thought it would make her happy. It didn’t work, given that she started crying.”

“That’s kind of... embarrassing for you.”

Guren groans. “Yes, tell me about it. Mito ran away from me for weeks until I started making fun of her little crush. She beat me up then, so—you can say we turned back to normal after that.”

“I have the feeling that you should not be telling me all this.”

“It’s not like people are going to believe you even if you spread that as a rumor.”

“Hm. But I can tell Mito you told me.”

“You would risk getting punched by her?”

Shinya probably thinks about the time Mito broke Norito’s nose once, because he thought it was a good idea to scare her when she just woke up. “No. You’re right. You gave me all this information for nothing. What am I supposed to do with this knowledge now?”

“It’s not for nothing,” Guren mumbles. He was trying to open up—did he go the wrong way with it?

Shinya kisses him again—Guren can’t stop thinking about the way he was acting earlier. Asking about Shinya’s past triggered something in him—something that reminded him of the past. Guren felt like Shinya was out of his mind for a few minutes there—until the time he asked him to stop. It wasn’t anything, really, Guren wouldn’t even utter a word about the way Shinya was gripping him—if it weren’t for the way he was acting strangely. He still can’t put a finger on it, he just knows that Shinya was not okay. He then thinks about the way Shinya described how it looked—Guren still hasn’t inspected it, but he imagines it was a handprint. He believes he knows what Shinya was thinking—what... what happened to him. He tries to crush down his anger, he can’t be angry now of all times, when Shinya was just starting to act normal. He doesn’t want him to—to relive whatever happened. He can ask about it later—he can get angry about it later—not now. Not when Shinya just let him know something about himself, trusting him in such a matter. He can come to him in his own time, when he is ready. Guren will be there to listen—maybe kill anyone who dared to hurt him in the past, after that. Guren thinks about how Shinya seemed to enjoy having control over him. How he possibly didn’t have control when—

He pulls back, Shinya starts kissing down the side of his neck, “Shinya.”

“Mhm?” 

“Can you...” He isn’t sure how to ask for it, “Can you take the lead? I—I don’t want to mess things up, given that the last time I tried to bed someone, it ended up with her crying and leaving.” It’s a blatant lie, but he hopes that in his daze, Shinya won’t notice it.

He notices it, of course; Guren was stupid to hope otherwise. He smiles though, and agrees before he slowly leads them to somewhere Guren never thought he would go; to the peak of the mountains, high up in the sky, and to the depth of the oceans, deep into the abyss. He gets angry at himself for denying such a pleasure to himself—to them, when they could have reached there sooner. And if he lets a tear or two fall from his eyes while Shinya has his head buried on his shoulder, embracing him intimately, that’s no one’s business.

Late into the night, he has Shinya lying next to him, as Guren puts his head into his hand and supports his weight with his elbow on the bed. Guren traces his back with his fingers, trying to memorize it. Shinya is smiling and looking at him with half-lidded eyes, exhausted but happy, just like Guren himself. Guren tries not to think about the next morning, the morning train Shinya will be taking—he tries not to think about how they will return to the Hiiragi estate, to chaos, leaving this peaceful moment behind them for a long time. 

If it all ends up horribly—he will at least have the memory of it to remember.

He wants to say what he feels for Shinya out loud, but they are both tired, and the moment they are in feels too fragile, so he tries to content himself with just running his fingers through Shinya’s hair and kissing his temple once he falls asleep. The words can wait until a better time—Shinya surely must know even if Guren doesn’t say it. It has been obvious to him for some time that their relationship would lead to something more eventually, at least on Guren’s side.

The next morning, Guren wakes up first. Shinya was lying on his back, his head turned toward him. The places he kissed last night are visible with the bruises. There is an especially nasty teeth mark on the left side of his jaw. He cranes his neck over to start kissing his face. Shinya starts stirring and pushes Guren without opening his eyes. Guren laughs, “Shinya, wake up.” He turns his back to Guren. He isn’t deterred, he kisses his neck, his shoulders, and wherever he can reach on his back.

“I don’t wanna,” Shinya mumbles drowsily.

“You have a train to catch.”

“What time is it?” 

“Seven thirty.” 

Shinya turns around to look at him. “Are you serious?” 

“Yeah.” 

“My train isn't until eleven, you know that, right?” 

Guren doesn't try to hide his amused smile. “Yes, I know.” 

Shinya kicks him under the covers. “Bastard. Why would you wake me up so early?” 

“Mhm, good question. I wonder why…” Guren shifts in his place to reach out to kiss Shinya properly on the mouth, letting his hand slowly trail down his torso under the covers. He breaks the kiss, Shinya is trying his hardest to seem unaffected, but he’s holding his breath and the muscles under Guren’s hand are tense. “I thought we could enjoy our time together before you left. Aren't I thoughtful?” 

“Very.” He laughs. 

Guren stops the movement of his hand and clicks his tongue. “Aren't you raised in a noble household? Where are your manners? Not thanking someone who’s doing you a favor… Underneath all that elegance and politeness, there is only insolence... What a shame that people fall for your classy exterior.” He sighs dramatically, a quirk he picked up from this very man lying beside him. 

Shinya laughs again. He is a very easy person to amuse, but the fluttering of his heart, whenever Guren manages to do it, never gets old. 

He thinks—no, he is sure that he would end the world for just a glimpse of his smile. 

“Where did the ‘can you take the lead please’ Guren of last night go?” 

“I don't remember saying please, I think you’re making things up to make yourself feel better.” 

“Right, sorry, I mixed it up with your pleading eyes, practically begging me to—” 

“I’ll show you begging—” Guren shuts him up by kissing him and continuing to move his hand downwards, where he is going to have the power to make Shinya beg.

After satisfying himself, which happens when he makes Shinya take his words back, Guren insists on seeing Shinya out in the station. Shinya refuses, not wanting to drag this on any longer than he has to, as it will only make separation harder.

“We will see each other in two days, don't dramatize the situation,” Guren says. 

“It won't be like this, though. We won't be carefree. We will be busy with other things. Everyone will be watching us. So it’s best if we simply move on from… the past weeks.” 

“Move on,” Guren says, incredulously. Keeping it low and staying away was one thing, but to move on implied no future together.

Shinya nods, “Yes. This way, we can focus on the task we have at hand and work with the utmost efficiency.” 

Shinya sounds technical, so serious like he is giving instructions to people who work for him. Like Guren is nothing but a coworker—or a servant, who has just served one purpose and is ready to serve another one. Actually—that isn't even a good metaphor, because Guren has been around him while he was working or while he was interacting with the maids, drivers, and cooks at Hiiragi estate, and Shinya has never sounded cold like the way he is now. He always had a smile plastered on his face and did his best to be kind to them and sound charming—although Guren suspects that it’s his natural charm. 

It’s just that... Guren isn't even a stranger to him at this moment. Shinya doesn't treat strangers with cold eyes and a straight mouth. He doesn't look detached when he’s talking to them—he looks polite, and Guren knows that it’s a learned expression, so it’s fake, however… Shinya not even bothering with politeness after everything they had together, especially right after what happened last night… And he doesn't even want Guren to see him off at the station; he wants to part right here and now, closing the door in Guren’s face and leaving him with all the mess they made together, both literally and figuratively, without sparing a glance. 

Shinya thinks of him as an obstacle, no doubt. A distraction from his main goal—something that needs to be discarded, needs to be disposed of. He had once told Guren that in the Hiiragi family, he was the one that could be disposed of easily. He wasn't needed nor wanted—he was just a good, obedient servant all these years. He had to work hard to keep his place. Not that he cared much about the Hiiragi name or anything, but simply because he had nowhere else to go, no one to turn to, if he was to be sent away and replaced. For the Hiiragis, there would be other Shinya’s, but for Shinya, there wouldn't be any other place to go. And, over the years, he did get attached—to Shinoa, to Mahiru. So, perhaps, Shinya was trying to detach himself from his emotions once again. Therefore, if, in the future, he had to leave Guren behind, he could easily do so. He could easily dispose of Guren. Everyone was replaceable in this world—Guren was no exception to that. There would always be other Guren’s around—other men with dark hair and humor to match Shinya's, that saw his worth, understood him and cared for him. 

There will be other men who will love him, if Guren were to be left behind. He can't blame them—Shinya is pretty likable—but he still hates those men that don't even exist. 

Guren swallows the lump in his throat and finds himself agreeing with Shinya. If they were to continue meeting and sleeping together—it would only complicate things for them. There was no need for any more complications, so... parting their ways and getting closure made sense. It was fine. They've got it out of their systems already, right? So, it should be fine. 

It was... fine. It was the best decision they could make. He should be glad that Shinya used his brains while Guren was about to make a decision with his heart. It was great, even.

“You’re right, actually. So.” He starts, but he isn't sure how to continue. How to bid farewell. He knows Shinya is right; they can't afford to be distracted. He knows it. He agrees with him. 

Still. 

Still, he wants to—

He wants to hold Shinya tightly. Hold him and never let go—never let him out of this room again. He wants to live in ignorant bliss and peace with him for a little longer—no, forever. He wants to act like the world outside their small space, which only includes them and the sentiment shared between the two, does not exist. 

But... it does. The world still exists. 

“So, goodbye then. Take care.” Shinya finishes his sentence, and after looking at him for a moment longer, he turns around to leave. Guren, in his panicked and surprised haze, actually does hold his arm to keep him from leaving. 

He doesn't want to let go of him yet. Just… Just one more moment. One more minute. One more memory, one more smile, one more kiss to remember him by. 

He wants to drag it on as much as he can. “One more...”

“Huh?” 

Guren licks his lips and isn't sure how, but manages to grin and say, “One more kiss for good luck. What do you say?” 

The ice on Shinya’s face melts a little, and Guren knows he isn't even aware that his features are softening. He leans forward to hesitate right before their lips touch and kiss him eventually. 

It’s different from their other kisses—it feels a lot like a farewell and a greeting meeting in the middle