Chapter Text
on a morning that is far too wintry for february, ten is eating leftovers for breakfast when he gets a message from taeyong. it’s been a little while since they last spoke, so ten is quick to wipe his hand on his t-shirt and tap on the notification.
TY: hey tennie, miss you!
TY: just wanted to let you know
TY: i mean
TY: i figured i’d give you a heads up
taeyong is still typing. ten frowns at the screen and sends off a single question mark.
me: ?
TY: johnny landed in seoul last week.
ten’s chopsticks clatter against his bowl when he drops them. his breathing hitches.
oh.
hesitant, he types out a quick reply
me: to visit?
TY: no, he’s moving back.
ten locks his phone quickly and stares at the wall, trying to gather himself.
how is he supposed to feel right now?
nothing, probably. he shouldn’t care — he and johnny are history, now, it’s been so long, and they haven’t spoken, and it shouldn’t even matter that he’s back. maybe he can feel a little happy to see an old friend.
how does he really feel?
sick to his stomach.
he slides his phone away from himself on the counter top and shoves the last of his breakfast into his mouth just to have something to do with his hands.
johnny suh, back in korea.
his phone goes off and he curses himself for rushing to check the message.
TY: jaehyun is inviting him on saturday.
ten screws his eyes shut. no way.
part of him wants to get mad at jaehyun for being a traitor, but he could never do that — johnny is, after all, still everyone’s friend, technically. saturday was meant to be his, doyoung, and jaehyun’s joint birthday. of course, johnny’s birthday is this month too — in fact, it’s on sunday, closer to the actual celebration than any of the rest of their birthdays are. he hates how he knows that, but how could he not? they were friends for so long, even before they were together, even after they were together.
TY: ten?
ten sends a thumbs up emoji and puts his phone on aeroplane mode.
johnny, back in korea.
johnny.
when sicheng wakes up, he finds ten still sitting at the kitchen counter, staring at the wall. he shoots him a look, but doesn’t disturb him.
ten arrives at doyoung and taeyong’s place on saturday exactly on time with kun and sicheng in tow. kun rings the doorbell, but ten just rattles the doorknob until doyoung lets him in, irritated.
“why are you so impatient?” he complains. ten shoves the bottle he’d brought into doyoung’s hands and half-hugs him, but mostly just pushes him to the side. doyoung stares after him with his mouth open, offended.
“happy birthday!” ten calls out, without turning around. he goes straight to the kitchen, where he knows taeyong will be.
taeyong is there, alone, thankfully. ten strides in and grabs him by the shoulders. taeyong practically jumps out of his skin.
“hey, happy birthday,” taeyong says, smiling sweetly.
“hey,” ten says, impatient. “hey, ‘yong, what the fuck?”
taeyong glances over ten’s shoulder before answering.
“i know.”
“he’s back for good?”
taeyong nods and looks over ten’s shoulder again, paranoid. “he said he was gonna be here at like ten, so... are you gonna be, like… okay?”
ten takes a deep breath. taeyong holds one of his hands, then slips his fingers over ten’s wrist like he’s going to take his pulse. ten bats him away.
“i’m okay. i mean — it’s just johnny. it’ll be like before he left, right? i guess?”
taeyong shakes his head. “hopefully it’ll be better than that,” he says. “before he left… well. yeah, you know how it was. so it won’t be like that. i hear he’s all cool and american again, like what he was like when he first came here.” taeyong grins.
“he was always like that,” ten scoffs, and he means it to be demeaning but it comes out a little too soft. “you haven’t met him yet?”
taeyong shakes his head. “doyoung has. he picked him up from the airport. he’s got a place sorted and everything already, apparently.”
ten nods and looks down. taeyong follows his gaze and laughs a little when he sees ten’s bracelet.
“you’re too sentimental,” taeyong laughs. he pushes ten away gently, good-naturedly. “get out of here, i have to finish the cake and you’re not allowed to see. go hang out with mark, he’s here somewhere, he came early.”
ten backs off, obedient, and heads out to look for mark.
ten isn’t keeping track of the time. he’s sitting on the ground, sipping from a glass, listening to mark regale him with stories of his day-to-day shenanigans. he misses the ringing of the doorbell, but it’s impossible not to hear the sudden raucous laughter and excitement coming from the hallway. he freezes and so does mark.
mark looks from ten to the people crowding around the doorway and back to ten, uncertain.
ten tilts his head to the door.
“go, go,” he insists.
mark is on his feet in an instant, and the volume escalates significantly when he’s reunited with johnny.
ten stands up slowly. he sets his glass down and smooths down his shirt. makes sure his necklaces aren’t tangled, picks a cat hair off his jeans.
he drifts over to the doorway. the people are beginning to disperse, and now he can finally see him — see johnny, beaming brightly, chattering away with their friends, already holding a drink somehow. johnny takes a while to notice him and ten takes advantage of this fact to drink him in. he looks mostly the same as he did the day he left. his hair is longer and he looks like he’s lost a bit of weight on his face, but he’s mostly the same. he keeps pushing his hair back out of his face like he used to when he was younger, when they first met. ten steps back, intending to resume his position and get back to his drink.
“you’re not going to say hi?” someone says in his ear. ten nearly jumps out of his skin.
it’s sicheng, with his uncanny ability to appear and disappear at will, standing at ten’s shoulder. ten rolls his eyes.
“i will, i just — he’s talking to other people right now, so, i don’t want to make things awkward.”
“no, he’s not,” sicheng points out.
confused, ten looks back at johnny, and sure enough, he’s not talking to anyone anymore. all he’s doing is… staring. directly at ten from all the way across the room, with a strange look on his face ten can’t quite decipher from this far away.
ten glances to his left and sicheng has already disappeared.
he looks back at johnny.
johnny lifts a hand in a hesitant wave.
it’s so ridiculous, ten almost wants to cry. slowly, he waves back.
there’s a smile that johnny, consciously or subconsciously, used to reserve for him. it was the smallest, softest, smile, and ten used to revel in the fact that no one else got to see it. it was his.
that’s the smile that johnny gives him now. it’s overwhelming, the sight of it. ten turns away quickly and downs the rest of his drink, hiding behind his glass.
when he looks up again, johnny is gone.
ten finds johnny again eventually (after all, they’re in the same house) but they don’t really talk. they smile at each other hesitantly and nod and when they’re all cutting taeyong’s cake, johnny passes the knife to ten after he takes his turn, and they pose for a picture together and laugh together when jaehyun smears icing on doyoung’s cheek, but they don’t talk. they sort of drift past each other, and ten doesn’t know at this point if they’re doing it on purpose or not.
it can only last so long.
kun and sicheng left early — as usual, they’re too introverted for all this — and taeyong offers ten to sleep over when he tries to leave.
“no, i’d rather just go home,” ten insists. he didn’t actually have that much to drink, and even though it’s cold, he thinks the walk will make him feel better. “i’ll walk.”
“are you leaving?”
ten freezes, then forces himself to relax. he turns around to see johnny, in his thick woollen coat already.
“i came to say bye,” he says, nodding towards taeyong. “the cake was really good, taeyong-ah.”
taeyong beams. “thanks, johnny. are you —” he glances towards ten. “ — walking, too?”
johnny nods and glances at ten. “i guess we’re heading out together,” he says.
ten shrugs. “i guess.”
taeyong looks between them with an odd look in his eyes ten can only describe as trepidation.
“nice! well, i’ll see you soon, probably.” he nods towards ten. “text me, okay?”
“i will.”
it starts out awkward, because of course it does. johnny holds the door open for ten and ten has to resist the urge to refuse to walk through it. they walk side by side, in step, in uncomfortable silence. ten doesn’t know where johnny lives, so he doesn’t know when they’ll separate.
they reach the bus stop where they last saw each other before johnny left. where the world didn’t end, but almost sort-of kind-of maybe did.
for some reason, that’s what compels ten to speak.
he doesn’t know what to say — he has no idea where to possibly begin.
“so,” he starts. he swallows. licks his dry lips. “um, when did you get back?” stupid question. stupid fucking question.
johnny indulges him anyway. “last week,” he says, but ten knew that already. “i had the option to transfer here within the same company, so i took the opportunity. i figured it’d be nice.”
ten nods. “that does sound… nice.”
they keep walking.
“how have you been?” johnny offers.
ten balls his hands into fists in his pockets. “i’ve been good. i’ve kept myself busy. i still live with sicheng and kun.”
“oh, nice,” johnny says. “that’s nice. i like your, um, glasses. you used to wear contacts.”
ten raises his eyebrows. “yeah.” he thinks he preferred the silence to this.
ten hears johnny inhale before he speaks.
“ten, can we talk?” his voice is trembling. ten doesn’t recall ever having heard him like this. “like, for real?”
ten stops walking and johnny stops a little in front of him. ten can see his breath warming the air.
if he wanted, he could say no. he could walk right back to the bus stop and get on the bus home and leave johnny stranded in the cold to go back to wherever his new apartment is.
but that’s not what ten wants at all.
he nods, and johnny visibly relaxes. ten hadn’t even noticed how tense he was.
“okay,” johnny says quickly. “okay, okay, fuck, okay.”
“you know what you want to say, or do you need a minute?” ten says with a hesitant little smile. testing the waters.
johnny shakes his head. “no, i know. i… i missed you. i missed you, and i fucked up, and i know it’s been forever and i hurt you but i see that and i came back here and i wanted to tell you that i get it now, and i’m sorry, and i missed you, and —”
ten steps forward to put a hand on johnny’s shoulder. he really has never seen him like this. ten wonders if he’s drunk, but it doesn’t seem that way.
“slow down,” ten tells him. johnny stares at him with wide, desperate eyes. ten examines his face for a moment and realises johnny is afraid. ten steps back and puts his hands in his pockets. “let’s keep walking. it’s too cold to stand still.”
they fall back into step again, this time a little slower. they’re quiet again, too, but it’s less awkward now.
“did you want to talk, or did you want to monologue?” he asks johnny, looking at him sideways.
johnny lets out a nervous chuckle but doesn’t say anything.
ten takes a deep breath.
“i missed you, too,” he says quietly. johnny falls still again and ten shakes his head at him. “no, come on.”
“i fucked up really badly,” johnny says now, calmer this time. a little more collected, a little more like the johnny that ten knows. knew. “i felt… i took you for granted, i think. i thought that it didn’t matter that i hurt you because we were friends before we were together.”
ten looks down at their feet.
“you broke my heart, a little,” ten confesses. “i was fine about it for a little while, but then i was… not fine.”
johnny swallows so hard ten hears the click of his throat. “i know. i’m sorry. i don’t know how… i don’t know how i can ever be sorry enough.”
ten gives johnny a tentative smile. “this is a start, right?”
johnny chokes out a little laugh. “yeah, this is a start. it was… it was me being continuously an idiot, i think.”
ten laughs, now. “yes, i think so. i think if it was just one time it might have hurt less.”
johnny falls quiet for a moment, and ten lets him have his space to think.
“sicheng told me you were seeing someone,” he says finally. “when he came to new york a couple months ago. that’s nice.”
ten’s stomach twists into knots, and he doesn’t say anything. his silence must clue johnny in to something being wrong with what he said, because he backtracks.
“i mean — it’s not like i was —”
“that’s over,” ten cuts him off. “it ended a while ago. couple months.”
“ah.”
“yeah.”
johnny glances at him sidelong. “i’m sorry to hear that,” he says, and ten rolls his eyes.
“sure, you are.”
“no, i am! that was… i realised, then, that i just wanted you to be okay. and that i had played a major fucking part in you being not okay, and i was… selfish, and closed-off, and —”
“okay, okay, we don’t need to list all your shortcomings, we don’t have all night.”
johnny looks like he isn’t sure whether he can laugh or not.
ten sighs. “that was a joke.” he looks up at johnny with a little smile. johnny looks relieved, which is a little funny. “i appreciate the thought, i really do. we both had our own issues. maybe we just —” ten hates to say it, but he’s already started the sentence. “ — weren’t right for each other.”
johnny shakes his head. “it was mostly me.”
ten can’t help but agree with that. “it was mostly you.”
they fall silent again, and it’s only then that ten realises they’ve practically arrived home. his home, at least, not johnny’s.
“where are you walking?” ten asks, slightly confused.
“oh,” johnny says. “i was just walking with you. i’ll just take a bus back to mine. there’s probably a stop somewhere round here .”
ten stops.
“what?” johnny asks, but he’s smiling.
ten shakes his head and suppresses his own smile. “you’re ridiculous.”
they turn onto ten’s street at last and johnny walks with him all the way to the front door.
ten nods up at the building. “this is me,” he says.
johnny looks up at the building too, almost like he’s taking it in.
“i remember,” he says, and it seems like it holds more meaning than ten knows.
ten watches him carefully for a second, then sticks out his hand.
“friends?”
johnny stares at him, and then at his hand, and then back at him again. johnny is clearly holding back a laugh.
“okay,” johnny says. he shakes ten’s hand when it becomes clear ten won’t move it until he does. johnny’s laugh escapes and ten glares at him, but it’s not serious. johnny shakes ten’s hand once, firm. “okay, friends.”
ten points down the road with his other hand. “there’s a bus stop round the corner,” he says, “but i don’t know if it’s the one you want.”
johnny shrugs. “i’ll figure it out.”
“okay,” ten says. they let go of each other’s hands and ten thinks he’s insane for imagining his skin tingling a little. “bye, johnny.”
johnny waves as he walks away. “goodnight, ten.”
ten unlocks the door with shaking hands and shuts it behind him quietly. the lights are all off downstairs, which means kun and sicheng are in their rooms, maybe asleep. he stands with his back to the door, breathing deep. he stares down at the hand that johnny shook in disbelief.
he’s really back in korea.
“ten!”
ten jumps away from the door in shock.
and… back at ten’s door?
ten unlocks it as quickly as he can and finds johnny standing there on the doorstep. his coat is unbuttoned and his hair is ruffled and his cheeks are pink.
“hyung?”
“i changed my mind,” johnny says, breathless. “ten, i - i know, you have every right to just slam the door in my face and i will - i’ll fully respect that, but i don’t want to be your friend. i don’t. i really, really don’t.”
johnny takes a deep breath and ten watches him. ten can hear his heart thudding in his ears.
“i can do better this time, ten. i’ll - i’ll do so much better. i know it’s been forever, i know - you’ve been with other people, and you loved them, but i want to be - i want to be the person you’ll love. i want to try again so badly, ten. i’ve wanted it for so long, but i was too fucking stupid to ever fix anything, and i’m so scared that if we walk our separate ways now, saying we’ll be friends, that i’ll never get the chance again. so i want to try again. please, let us try again, ten.”
ten lets out the breath he’d been holding and johnny stands there, motionless except for the heaving of his chest as he catches his breath.
“are you done?” ten asks simply.
he watches carefully as johnny’s adam’s apple bobs when he swallows.
“uh-huh.”
ten nods. “good.”
“g - mmph!” ten snatches the words from johnny’s mouth, tugs him down by the collar and presses a single kiss to his lips. it’s so short, barely a second, but ten knows his face is on fire when he pulls away. johnny looks shellshocked.
“don’t ever get so far away from me again,” ten says, sharp. his hand is still on johnny’s chest and it’s a comfort to him that he can feel johnny’s heart racing. it might still be from running back, but it might be from the kiss. “okay?”
johnny nods vigorously. “okay.”
“see you tomorrow?” ten asks, tentative. if it’s a little bit of a test to see if johnny came back expecting to stay the night, that’s no one’s business but ten’s. it doesn’t matter though, because again, johnny nods so enthusiastically that it makes ten laugh.
“tomorrow,” johnny repeats. it’s a promise that ten will make sure he keeps.