Chapter Text
"Benson"
"Olivia!"
"Kathy?"
Kathy Stabler called her after a year of silence, after a year of attempts to contact both Elliot and her, and she called her in the middle of the night. The unpleasant feeling that something was very wrong was growing in her stomach.
"What's wrong, Kathy?" she had no patience for anything when it came to the Stablers any more
"Have you talked with Elliot recently?"
"Are you fucking kidding me? After a year of me begging you to talk to him you have the audacity to call and ask? Really Kathy? No, I haven't talked with your husband for over a year. Good night." She didn't wait for an answer; she just hung up the phone and went back to sleep.
When she woke up again to her alarm, her mood was no better than before. She had worked so hard during the last year to forget Elliot, and Kathy's phone call put her progress back to zero. The drive to the prescinct was terrible; the only thing she could focus was yesterday's call. She arrived when her captain was coming out of his office.
"Liv, can I have a word with you? Fin, Munch, come with me too." the three older members of the squad went into their captains office, while the newbies were watching them closely. "Liv, when was the last time you talked with Stabler?" She thought that was some kind of joke, but Cragen's eyes were telling her that was serious, and now she was worried and felt guilty that she hadn't talked with Kathy last night.
"Captain, what's going on? Is Elliot OK?"
"He is in the hospital. Kathy found him in his apartment this morning after he was not answering his phone." her mind was racing and her heart had stopped beating
"Is he okay? Is he alive? What happened?"
"Liv, he attempted to kill himself; he is the psych ward. The doctor called me; they wanted to call you, but he didn't let them. The doctor asked me to beg you to go and see him." she didn't need to be told twice; she was out of the office and in the elevator in seconds with Fin, Munch and their Captain behind her.
"We're coming with you; the new guys can hold down the fort for a while." Munch looked as miserable as the rest of them.
It was Fin who drove them to the hospital; that's what she could remember from the drive, and it was Cragen who had talked to the receptionist at the hospital. She stayed silent and far away from everybody else. Her feet were walking as if they had a mind of their own. If you were to ask her later the number of Elliot's room, she wouldn't be able to answer. The men of their squad stayed behind, giving her the silent strength and power to face her biggest fear yet. She reached the room and opened the door, only to find a version of her partner she had never faced before—a defeated one.
Elliot was seemingly awake, but looking in the opposite direction of the door, he didn't even seem to acknowledge that somebody had entered the room, let alone that it was Olivia. She, on the other hand, stood there frozen, looking at him. He had a beard now, and he looked thinner. Wasn't he eating? She saw tears running to his cheeks and neck. For the past year, every time she was thinking of it, she either wanted to kill him or herself, but now that she did it to himself, the only thing she could do was cry with him. She knocked gently on the door and she watched as his head snapped and looked at her. They didn't speak; they kept staring at each other. Neither of them knew what to say, and it was Elliot who broke first and closed his eyes. She moved more into the room and into the chair beside him, brushing his knuckles with her thumb.
"I always had you for more of a gun in the head; pills seem dull." Someone might have called her insensitive, but if she wanted her partner back, she had to dig to find him.
"Don't keep a gun in the house." His voice was rough, like it hadn't been used in days and he barely whispered his answer. She decided to push as much as he allowed her, because the thought of a world without Elliot is simply too devasting.
"You know, Kathy called me yesterday, and she asked if I had talked to you recently. I told her to fuck off and hung up. It was the first time after a year that I had talked to any of you, and do you wanna know what? When Cragen told me that you almost killed yourself, my first thought was, "I am going to kill him". If you had actually died, I don't think I would've survived it, Elliot. Do you hear me? The thought of you in a coffin six feet under would've put me in a coffin."
"Why? I am not worth it. I failed you, I failed Kathy, I failed my kids, I failed Jenna, and I failed the squad. Everything that I cared about and loved doesn't exist anymore, so why are you here?" She didn't know how to deal with the Elliot she had in front of her; she had never seen him like this before.
"Elliot, I love you. Simply and honestly, I love you. You have never failed me, not a single time. Look at me." Elliot opened his eyes and looked at her, and with a fluid motion, she took his head and kissed his lips lightly. "Do you believe me now?" He didn't answer; he simply nodded.
"I've always believed you." and just like that, he closed eyes and fall asleep in seconds. Olivia steps outside to find a doctor to talk to. She knew things were not fine, good, or perfect; they were far from it, actually, but he was alive and there, in front of her, and that's all that mattered. She would help him with everything else and that was a promise she had made to herself a long time ago.