Chapter Text
The first thing Till feels before waking up, is a hand holding his own. Unconsciously he holds it back. Somehow, he knows it’s Ivan’s.
When his eyes slowly blink open, and they find the man sitting next to his bedside, Till is proven right.
“....Ivan?”
“ Till. ”
That’s all Ivan manages before breaking down in tears.
Sobs that don’t know how to be heard, are painfully choked out of Ivan’s throat. Half air and half whines, Till has never heard a sound so heartbreaking. Till squeezes Ivan’s hand.
“..It’s okay… don’t cry,”
Till’s head hurts and there's a weird taste in his mouth. He still feels a little bit drowsy but after hearing Ivan cry, he feels a lot more awake.
Ivan sniffs once, twice and rubs his arm across his eyes. His lips are still trembling like he’s barely keeping his sobs in but he still tries to put himself together.
“I-I should probably call for the nurse.” Ivan harshly wipes a few stray tears and looks around “To tell them you’ve woken up.” He locates the call button and presses it.
“Ivan,” Till starts to say, but a nurse bustles into the room.
She checks his vital signs and asks him how he’s feeling. She gives him a bit of water when he asks for some. A doctor comes in briefly and she tells him about the surgery and gives him some medicine.
Ivan is sitting on the chair at his side the entire time. Till wants to talk to him, but after the doctor and nurse leave he’s much too tired for a conversation. His blinks get heavy and Ivan smiles knowingly at him.
“We’ll talk later. Rest.”
Only then does he fall asleep.
-
When Till wakes up again, it’s the next day and he’s much more aware.
He looks to the side and finds that his hand is kept hostage by a sleeping Ivan. It couldn’t be comfortable, sleeping in a position like that. Till lies staring at Ivan and brushing his thumb against Ivan’s hand.
‘Thank you for letting me keep him this time.’ Till thinks, to fate, to god, to whoever it was who allowed him this treasure.
Till waits for Ivan to wake, and during that time not a single moment is spent not staring at Ivan’s face.
-
Ivan wakes up and sees that Till is awake too. He looks like he’s about to cry again. Ivan holds his arms up like he wants to hug Till but isn’t sure he should. So Till gently guides Ivan into his arms and Ivan holds him like he’s something precious.
“I’m sorry,” Ivan whispers “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
A sudden burst of anger flares in his chest, because Till was not going to let Ivan blame himself for this. He pulls away, but he can’t bear to let go so he keeps his hands on Ivan’s arms. His voice is still angry though.
“What because you didn’t see it coming? Because you didn’t fucking die again? ”
“No, no I,” Ivan’s voice is cracking, his eyes are wide and his tears start slipping down so fast that Till’s anger immediately disappears and he regrets having pulled away. “I, when you, you f-flat-lin-lined”
Ivan starts to sob again and Till feels his heart crack into two. He hurriedly gathers Ivan back in his arms and strokes his hair. Ivan presses into his shoulder, clutching at his hospital gown.
“I’m sorry,” It’s Till who apologises this time. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t cry.”
Tears gather in Till’s eyes too, because it hurt that Ivan was hurting because of him. He’s never seen Ivan cry before, he realises. Till decides he never wants to make Ivan cry again.
Ivan tries to speak a few times more but he can’t let out even a single sentence before his words are buried in his cries. Till just holds him until Ivan calms down, with tears of his own slipping down his cheeks. When Ivan does eventually calm down, Till lets out a quiet sigh and a whispered apology to Ivan’s ear.
“N-no don’t, don’t apologize.” Ivan pulls away from Till’s embrace but resumes holding his hand.
Ivan looks at Till’s. Ivan’s eyes are red-rimmed and there are dark bags underneath. Till wonders how long he was here and how long he waited for Till to wake. Till wants to apologize again but refrains from it knowing it’ll just upset Ivan more.
“I thought you were going to die. And I have never in my life felt so horrible.”
Till feels a twinge in his heart and he’s about to comfort Ivan when Ivan speaks up again,
“It felt this horrible for you too, didn’t it?”
Till freezes.
“It felt worse didn’t it? Because I left you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t know it’d feel like this for you. I didn’t know I could hurt you. I didn’t know I hurt you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I died.”
What?
“What?”
“I remembered when yo-, when you” Ivan shakes his head roughly before continuing, “I remembered our past lives and, and I also saw the aftermath.”
Till doesn’t remember how he lived after Ivan’s death, but from how he felt after every single one of the flashbacks, how his life changed after that first memory when he was nine and from how Ivan was looking at him with sorrow and tear filled eyes, he knew that he didn’t live happily.
“And I’m just so, so sorry I hurt you.”
Ivan’s eyes are filled with deep and genuine regret. Ivan is being serious. Till doesn’t know what he’s feeling right now.
“You don’t have to apologize! I’m sorry! I'm sorry for never noticing you for never looking at you for never loving you-”
“I forgive you, will you forgive me?” Ivan puts both his hands on Till’s and looks at him straight in the eyes.
“But there’s nothing to forgive.” Till whispers.
Contrary to his words, tears immediately burst out of Till’s eyes. It’s Ivan that hugs him this time. He tries to stop crying, but he finds that he can’t. His heart aches in a familiar way and he gasps out breaths like he’d done many times before on countless nights. He knows what the feeling is now. Till feels hurt.
It did hurt him, all those lives did hurt him. And not just that, Ivan, hurt him. Even if he didn’t mean to.
“You did hurt me. Y-you lef-left me and it always felt like it was my fault. And you left m-me and I n-never got to, got to thank you or love you or anything and you left me. ”
“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Till.”
They stay wrapped in each other’s arms, crying together. What a sight they must be, two grown men curled together crying. But Till couldn’t care less. Not when they could finally tell each other things like this, not when they’d survived fate, not when they were together now.
Till falls asleep like that but not before telling Ivan,
“I forgive you.”
Ivan holds him tighter and Till slips into sleep with a heart beating alongside his own.
-
“Till!!!!!”
A wail wakes Till up.
“Mizi Sunbae!” Ivan hisses “He’s sleeping!”
“Oh shoot I’m so sorry!” The exclamation mark is relayed even in whispering form.
Till blinks away the sleep. Ivan is still holding his hand. A smile and a blush creeps up his face. He tries to stop it but he can’t help it. Ivan turns as if he’d sensed that Till was awake. Ivan smiles and blushes too.
“Hi Till!”
Mizi also looks his way and rejoices at the fact that he’s awake. Ivan turns back at Mizi with a glare.
“You’ve woken him.”
Immediate guilt clouds her features.
“I’m so sorry! I was just so worried! And I swear I was going to some sooner but-”
“You were on tour.” Till remembers. He squints his eyes, “And if I recall correctly, you should still be on tour.”
Mizi pouts.
“My best friend is in the hospital. The only place I should be is here.”
Mizi’s phone has been vibrating for the entire time Till was awake.
“Your manager disagrees.” Till points at her phone.
“Ah dang it.”
“Get the call Mizi.”
Mizi looks at her phone with clear reluctance but after a little stare down, she finally picks up. Sure enough, she gets chewed out by her manager for leaving without notice and she gets a lecture about responsibilities. She apologises profusely for suddenly disappearing and explains the situation. With a little begging and firmness on her part and sympathy from her manager she gets to stay for half an hour.
She leaves as promised when that half an hour is up, but not before hugging Till tightly for five minutes and making Ivan promise to take care of Till and listing threats to Ivan should he not do as promised.
After Mizi leaves, Till remembers that Ivan had the same job and whips his head towards his boyfriend.
“Wait, what about your work Ivan?”
Ivan raises a flippant hand,
“Don’t worry about it. Sua noona’s got it under control.”
“Oh, okay then.”
He doesn’t argue further because selfish as he was, he would much rather have Ivan by his side.
-
Till’s mother walks in a moment after Mizi leaves.
“Mom!”
Upon seeing Till awake, his mother rushes to his bed. She presses a kiss onto his cheek, before hiding her tears on his shoulder.
“Oh sweetie, I’ve been so worried!”
Deep guilt from worrying his mother courses through his being adding to that, he realises he hasn’t seen his mother in months and that he actually missed her very much. Needless to say Till kind of bursts into tears.
“What’s wrong sweetie!? Does it hurt somewhere?” His mother is understandably alarmed, but Till shakes his head.
“I’ve j-just missed you.” Till warbles out.
“Oh sweetie.” His mother holds him tighter.
He has been crying a lot recently and the doctor said to take it easy, but wrapped up in his mother’s warmth and soothing words, he can’t help it. Suddenly all the things he’s been trying to ignore are real. Somebody stabbed him, he nearly died, he did die, even if it was just a second, he saved Ivan, if he didn’t Ivan would have died, there was a possibility Till would have died, and- The two of them hug, crying into each other’s shoulders and comforting each other.
When they do calm down and his mother is stroking his hair, Till’s mother catches Ivan awkwardly standing next to them.
“So you must be the reason my son hasn’t been visiting.”
“What? Oh, I’m so sorry I, my name is Ivan” He hastily holds out a hand for her to shake.
Her eyes twinkle with recognition as she shakes his hand.
“No need to apologize deary, I was just teasing.”
Ivan shuffles his feet,
“Maybe I could get us some drinks from the cafe? Are you okay with coffee?”
“Yes, but if they have lemon tea I would prefer that.”
Ivan nods awkwardly and hastily walks out of the hospital room. Till stares after him a little. When he turns his attention back to his mother, he finds her staring at his face with teary eyes.
“My sweet baby, you found him didn’t you.”
“What?”
“What?” She chuckles, “You didn’t think your own mother wouldn’t know the name of your source of sadness did you?”
“Oh.”
She laughs at his expression and pinches his cheek when they turn red.
Till catches his mother up on the things that have happened. She listens attentively and seems happy to listen to anything her son is saying.
Ivan walks in with three cups from the hospital cafe toward the end of the retelling. Till’s mother tries to pay Ivan back but Ivan refuses profusely. They talk a bit more with warm drinks in their hands, but eventually his mother picks up her things to go. Ivan stands and offers to escort her. She laughs and says she knows the way out.
“You’re a nice boy,” She reaches up to give him a pat on the head and smiles, “Take care of my son, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And make sure he calls more often okay?” She says with a pointed glance at Till. Till nods sheepishly.
“Yes ma’am.”
-
A thought strikes him out of nowhere and it wraps fear tightly around his heart.
“Ivan,”
“Yeah?” Ivan replies, smiling
“What about our next life?”
“What about i- oh.”
Any traces of the smile disappear from Ivan’s face. Panic engulfs Till.
“It, it was just a fluke this time! I only remembered because y-you nearly drowned, and if we weren’t revived we wouldn’t be able to remember and I don’t want to forget you! I don’t want to forget to love you!”
Ivan wraps his hand around Till’s firmly.
“It’s going to be okay.”
Ivan is smiling in a comforting manner but regardless a swirl of anxiety can be seen in his eyes. Till bites his lip. It was no use, he supposed, to be worrying about this now. All they could do was love each other now.
“We’ll make the most of this life.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
They smile, but it’s only to comfort the other.
-
Although they do end the conversation on a hopeful note, Sua walks in to the two of them curled around each other and noticeably down. She takes one look at them, sighs and leaves the bag she brought for Ivan next to the bed, and walks out.
They barely acknowledge her.
Till looks at Ivan, who’s looking back at him, and remembers all the times he died. There are so many memories. Too many. The chance that the number of them will increase maybe even infinitely makes Till want to scream. Till squeezes his eyes shut.
Till doesn’t want to lose Ivan again. Not when he finally had him.
Haven’t they suffered enough? How was this fair? They went through this for literal lives , then they finally had this miracle, shouldn’t this be the end of their misery?
But maybe this was the extent of the miracle, maybe this was the end of god’s mercy, maybe this life was just a one time taste of what could be, and the rest will just be unending torture. Maybe their story was just doomed, and they could do nothing about it.
Till wonders what the fuck he did so wrong that they were subject to this.
He breathes in a shaky breath and feels Ivan curl in closer. Till opens his eyes. Ivan is still looking at him. He’s beautiful. Till loves Ivan so much.
But Till will forget. Ivan will die and Till will remember, and it would be too late.
He tries to smile at Ivan, but the sadness in his heart doesn’t go away.
Sua comes back about fifteen minutes later with food.
She puts it on the table in front of them and asks if it’s food he’s okay to eat. Till nods and they eat even though they both don’t have much of an appetite because Sua stares them down until they do.
After the meal she rustles through the bag she brought with her and produces a bag of Ivan’s clothes. She then drags Ivan out of Till’s grasp and pushes him to the bathroom to wash up and change.
She rustles through the bag some more and explains the items she brought for Ivan to Till. She pulls out a box of energy bars that Till had seen Ivan eat before and explains it's his favorite brand, then another set of clothes that she places next to the lamp, a few toiletries and a small blanket.
Till quirks up a small smile. However much Sua denies it, she really does love her brother.
Ivan walks back into the room with fresh clothes on and immediately beelines for Till to resume his position snuggled against him. Sua rolls her eyes.
“You guys love each other so much I’m becoming homophobic.”
Ivan only snuggles up more.
“I’ve seen you with Mizi, you do not have room to talk.”
Sua rolls her eyes once more and slings her handbag over her shoulder.
“Going so soon?”
“Unlike somebody, ” She eyes Ivan “I don’t believe in ditching work.”
“Oh, okay then, bye. Have a nice day!”
She waves without bothering to turn around but at the door she hesitates. With one hand on the handle her head turns but doesn’t quite face them.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you.” She then looks Till in the eye. “The curse is broken. I can see it.”
She walks out.
Till has no idea how Sua would know anything about it much less see anything about it, but somehow Till feels lighter. That feeling only increases when Ivan brightens up wholeheartedly believing his sister.
“Noona knows everything.” Ivan says when Till asks why.
Till laughs in response
“You love your sister more than I thought you did.”
Ivan just smiles. Till smiles back.
-
They go see the stars after Till is all healed up.
A little before they expect the stars to appear, Till asks a question that had been weighing him down for a while.
“Did you also remember that time we tried to run from that weird alien signing place?”
“Ah, that.”
So he did, Till thought.
“I’m sorry about that.”
Ivan shoots a glare at him.
“What did we say about apologizing for things that we did in our past life?”
“That they were all forgiven so we shouldn’t do it.” Till recites
“So you do know.”
Till sighs and looks back at the sky.
“Still, I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be.” Ivan pauses, “I knew you’d do that. And, well, I kinda liked that you did that.”
“What?”
“One of the reasons I loved you so much was the unwavering, pure, absolute love you held for her.”
Till flushes but an uncomfortable feeling climbs up his throat.
“I love you. ”
Ivan laughs, surprised and delighted.
“I know.” There’s another pause then, “I bet I love you more.”
Till gasps,
“No, no, no, I love you more.” Ivan giggles.
“No I do.”
“No I do.”
“ No, I do.”
They glare playfully at each other before Ivan leans closer to pepper kisses on Till’s face. Till giggles when Ivan repeatedly pecks his nose. Till puts his hands on Ivan’s cheeks and kisses him on the lips. The pecks turn into making out and they nearly miss out on the stars.
Later when they’re lying on the blanket they spread out, with their hands entwined and they’re watching the shooting stars in the sky, Till whispers,
“I love you.”
Ivan replies with an equally soft voice.
“I love you too.”
On every shooting star, they wish to be together forever.
-
Some lives they remember, some lives they don't. But it doesn't matter because they never have to.
As soon as they set their eyes on the other, they know. That the person in front of them is their person. Their souls sing and their eyes shine. They always, always make their way back to each other.
In the next life and the life after that and after that and so on, they find each other, and they love each other,
Every single time.