Chapter Text
xxx.
Fact: If Soobin and Beomgyu are arguing with each other, it’s best to just stay out of it.
Soobin announces the end of his heat in the groupchat with a very enthusiastic ‘its over I hated it’ text, followed by a poorly lit selfie of him in his bed looking rather dead inside, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent than usual. Yeonjun had winced in sympathy at the sight; poor Soobin had really gone through it. So, two days after being officially cleared to visit, Yeonjun came around with a peace offering.
In one hand Yeonjun had a drink carrier that rattled with cups of coffee, and in the other hand he was precariously balancing a plastic bag of takeout, his keys, and his phone, and a box of sweet pastries he had promised to bring. Yeonjun hadn’t even had the chance to knock on the door before it had swung open, and there was Beomgyu in all of his lazy-Sunday glory greeting Yeonjun with a bright, ecstatic grin.
“I love you.” Beomgyu declares seriously upon laying his eyes on the coffee; it was like he had a radar for caffeine. He took it out of Yeonjun’s hands with a respect and reverence that Yeonjun rarely saw from him. “Hyung, I would kill a man for you, just say the word. You’re my favorite.”
Yeonjun laughs, kicking off his shoes and throwing an arm around Beomgyu to bring him in and shake him. Beomgyu struggled against his hold, trying to break free before Yeonjun really started to aggressively shake him, but it was futile. He stood no chance the very moment Yeonjun had managed to get his arm around him; it was better to give in and allow Yeonjun to work through his aggressive fits of affection. Instead, Beomgyu directs his energy into trying to save the coffee, clinging to the carrier like a lifeline.
Soobin is in the living room, his comforter from his room wrapped around him as he leaned back on the arm of the sofa. His legs were stretched out across the cushions, hogging up all of the sitting room.
“How are you feeling, Soobie?” Yeonjun greets him, finally releasing Beomgyu and letting him stumble away from him with an indignant shriek. He ignores the complaints in favor of making his way to Soobin to grab his cheeks and feel his forehead. “Did you sprain anything?”
Soobin’s response is muffled by Yeonjun’s palms on his cheeks, squishing them as he examines the other omega. He doesn’t feel warm, but Yeonjun isn’t appeased, leaning over him and rubbing his cheek against Soobin’s; it’s only when the contented hint of Soobin’s scent starts permeating the air that Yeonjun is satisfied, pulling back and fixing Soobin’s hair before he goes. Soobin just lets it all happen, far too accustomed by now to Yeonjun’s aggressive fussing. They’ve all learned by now to just let Yeonjun do what he needs to do to ensure they’re all healthy.
“M’fine, hyung.” Soobin garbles, repeating himself when Yeonjun finally releases him. He rubs at his cheeks with a scowl. “I’m just tired. And hungry. You brought food?”
Yeonjun perks up; he thrusts the bags of food into Soobin’s waiting arms, grinning broadly. “Of course I did. It’s all your favorites.”
Soobin’s eyes are practically glittering as he starts rummaging through the bags to pick out his portions; Yeonjun meanwhile claims a spot on the loveseat, sprawling across it.
Beomgyu is still standing in the middle of the room, his coffee now in his hands. A moment passes where it looks like he’s basking in the first sip of the coffee he’s taken, and then he is moving Soobin’s legs off the couch and plopping himself on the other end.
“Where are the babies?” He asks around the straw, making himself comfortable.
“They’re on the way.” Soobin replies, cheering when he finally finds the dish he seemed to be expecting. He sets the rest of the bag aside on the coffee table, already starting to shovel the food into his mouth. Yeonjun tries not to visibly preen at the happy sound Soobin makes as he eats. “Kai said he was changing first.”
Beomgyu tilts his head in a silent question, waiting patiently as Soobin shovels more food into his mouth.
Finally, Soobin says with a mouthful of it, “They were at the gym. Kai said he’s gonna shower so we don’t smell the alphas at the gym.”
“Kai is a good, kind, and considerate baby alpha.” Beomgyu coos, only half joking. “We’ll have to make sure he finds someone who really appreciates him the way he deserves.”
Yeonjun says, “Impossible. Nobody is ever going to fully deserve him.”
“Don’t be weird.” Soobin tells them. “Can I have a cupcake? They were expensive, right? I want my cupcake.”
“They weren’t that expensive.” Yeonjun lies, opening the box of pastries and handing Soobin the requested cupcake.
“Then why did you only buy me one?” Soobin complains. “You should have bought me two! I’m fragile.”
“Don’t bitch.” Yeonjun rolls his eyes. “Eat your cupcake.”
“I’m just saying I deserve two cupcakes.” Soobin insists, but he does start licking the frosting off of it diligently.
“You think so?” Yeonjun gestures to the front door. “Well, then go buy yourself another cupcake since you deserve it so much.”
“But I’m cute, and tired.” Soobin pouts at Yeonjun, and Yeonjun just rolls his eyes. Soobin is far too used to other people caving at the sight of his doe eyes and his puckered lips, but Yeonjun sees through his manipulation tactics. “You’re supposed to treat me to nice things! Aren’t you the hyung?”
Rather than caving in to Soobin’s demands, Yeonjun just coos at him and leans over to pinch his cheeks across the sofa. “Aw, Soobinnie…you’re not that cute.” He sweetens his tone and boops Soobin’s nose with his index finger. “Batting your eyelashes doesn’t work on me.”
Soobin tries to do it anyway, looking silly with the way he tilts his head to seem more cute and pitiful. Yeonjun can see how others would fall for it; alphas especially would be weak to Soobin’s sweet face pouting, like a little cherub. Unfortunately for Soobin, though, Yeonjun sees right through him and he knows that instead of a halo, there are little horns on top of his head. Eventually, Soobin seems to give up, huffing and dropping the cute act, shoving the remaining half of his cupcake all into his mouth and mumbling, “Stingy.”
“Spoiled.”
“I deserve it. I’ve had a long week.”
“Spoiled.” Yeonjun insists.
Beomgyu makes grabby hands for the box of cupcakes, so Yeonjun hands it over, and they fall into silence as Soobin eats his food and Beomgyu takes the tiniest bites of his sweet treat, humming happily to himself. Yeonjun is eating his share of food, too, by the time Kai and Taehyun arrive.
Kai’s hair is damp, and he’s wearing those awful Adidas joggers Yeonjun swears he has already gotten rid of from Kai’s closet before—how many of them did Kai own?
Beomgyu is already up and throwing himself into Kai’s open arms, grunting when Kai engulfes him in a large hug. When he’s released from it, Beomgyu sweeps Taehyun up in a hug, too, squeezing him tight enough even Yeonjun winces as he hears Taehyun mutter “oof.” Taehyun returns the hug with just as much enthusiasm, though, if the way Beomgyu wheezes is anything to go by.
“Oi.” Beomgyu snaps, muffled. “Oi! Be gentle with me. I’m a tender, delicate flower.”
“Ew.” Taehyun releases him like he’s been burned, his nose scrunching. “Never say that again, hyung. That was weird.”
“You’re weird.” Is all Beomgyu replies before they all start to make themselves comfortable on the sofa. Taehyun and Kai give Yeonjun enthusiastic hugs when they spot him, and he happily scents them until they’re satisfied and gestures to what he had gotten for them to eat. Eventually, everyone is settled in and tearing into their food; Yeonjun still on the loveseat with Kai sat on the floor by his feet, Soobin on the sofa with Beomgyu, and Taehyun seated on a beanbag he had dragged over from the corner of the living room where Beomgyu and Soobin seemed to toss all their miscellaneous junk. He’d had to move a small mountain of things just to get to the chair.
“How are you feeling, hyung?” Taehyun eventually asks Soobin when he resurfaces from his meal for air. “Don’t tell me any details, though. You looked fucked up from your picture.”
Soobin shrugs. He’s already finished his own food, and was now seated on the sofa digesting and looking seconds away from falling asleep. “I feel dead. It sucked more than usual this time.”
“I could tell.” Beomgyu interrupted, indignant. “You made an attempt on my life.”
“Are you really still not over the shoe thing?” Soobin whines, balling up a napkin and throwing it at Beomgyu’s head. “I already said I was sorry!”
“And I don’t forgive you.” Beomgyu sniffles, turning his nose up and away from where Soobin is reaching for him to pinch him or something. He takes an edge of the comforter wrapped around Soobin and tugs it to him, hugging it to his chest even as Soobin complains. “I could have died.”
“A shoe isn’t going to kill you.” Yeonjun points out around a mouthful of rice. He isn’t sure the words were comprehensible, but Beomgyu turns to him, dramatically betrayed.
“See?” Soobin gestures to Yeonjun. “Even he agrees with me. And anyway, if a shoe is enough to kill you, you have bigger problems.”
Beomgyu’s response is to rip the rest of the comforter away from Soobin, ignoring every one of Soobin’s complaints as he balled it up and shoved it behind himself, flopping on top and keeping Soobin back with his feet as he makes the valiant attempt to recover his blanket. Yeonjun laughs to himself, turning his attention back to his food and just letting those two fight it out.
“You know what a big problem for me is?” Beomgyu cries, “You almost turning me into a victim! I could have died.”
“You know better than to barge in—” Soobin cuts himself off, and then glances to Yeonjun who arches a brow. At his feet, Kai is also looking at Soobin curiously, one of his cheeks puffed out with the bite of food he had yet to swallow. Yeonjun bites down the urge to poke it. Soobin corrects himself, turning back to Beomgyu. “Never mind. You should know better than to just barge in—”
“I was giving you food!” Beomgyu argues, his cheeks flushed red. Taehyun starts giggling to himself. “Did you want me to just let you starve? I always bring you food and you’ve never been that mean to me before! So yes, I’m going to be upset about you throwing a shoe at me!”
“Okay, but you still should know better than to just expect me to be okay with you barging in.” It was a reasonable request, Yeonjun determined, but he kept his mouth shut. Things never went well when he jumped into any arguments with those two, regardless of which side he took. “You know that I don’t like company unless I explicitly invite you, and—”
“That doesn’t make up for almost killing me!” Beomgyu insists. “I was so scared for my life, but I still came back and kept trying to help. I was so brave, and I deserve a treat.” He sniffles, “I deserve a second cupcake.”
“Oh, I see what you want, you—” Soobin starts to whine.
“You already got a cupcake.” Yeonjun does chime in now, because the argument is starting to get heated to the point Beomgyu might actually double down so much he creates an actual mess of the living room, somehow. “That’s your treat.”
“That’s the Beomgyu-Tax.” He shakes his head, and now he’s fixing his own big, puppy eyes at Yeonjun, pouting at him. Yeonjun looks away; if he doesn’t look, it doesn’t effect him. Yeonjun is stronger than this. “I deserve an actual treat for being so brave this week.”
“If Beomgyu gets a second cupcake, I deserve one too.” Soobin insists.
Taehyun and Kai each add in, “Me too!”
“Nobody is getting a second cupcake.” Yeonjun points to each of his friends, settling on Beomgyu at the end and giving him a warning glare. “Stop instigating.”
Beomgyu gives him a false innocent look, which doesn’t do much because he is still holding Soobin’s blanket hostage, despite Soobin trying to sneakily reach for it without Beomgyu noticing. He doesn’t get far before Beomgyu is shoving his foot into Soobin’s face for the attempt, and Yeonjun has the pleasure of watching Soobin’s expression twist with disgust as he reels back, slapping Beomgyu hard on the thigh. It was deserved, honestly.
“You don’t think I deserve a treat for being brave, hyung?” Beomgyu asks him.
This is a trap. Yeonjun’s brain screams. He warily says, “Nobody made you help.”
“Yeah.” Soobin backs Yeonjun up, “You chose to be there. You know how I get!”
“Okay, but you’re never that mean to me before!” Beomgyu drops the innocent act, complaining loudly. “What crawled up your ass and died this time around?”
The wording earns Beomgyu a scowl from Soobin as he leans further away from Beomgyu, like the proximity was offensive suddenly.
“I already apologized, so I really don’t know what else you want me to do.” He shakes his head. “It wasn’t even that bad! It was just a shoe.”
Kai starts to snicker. “Yeah, imagine if he had been as bad as Yeonjun-hyung.”
Yeonjun snaps his head to look at Kai, betrayed. “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”
It’s Taehyun that responds, his tone apologetic (but clearly not apologetic enough to keep his slander to himself, apparently,). “You’re not exactly…friendly when you’re in heat.” He shakes his head and fakes a shudder. “The last time I tried to drop food off for you, you almost bit my head off, and I didn’t even come inside. If you want to talk about almost being made a victim…”
Yeonjun’s jaw drops, and his cheeks start to burn. He sputters, “I did not do that! You’re exaggerating.”
Kai tries to soften the blow of his disagreement by patting Yeonjun’s knee. “I think he’s downplaying it, actually. Sorry, hyung, but you’re scary.”
“Scary?” Beomgyu echoes. It takes everything in Yeonjun not to turn to him, the heat on his cheeks traveling to his neck, and oh, Yeonjun feels like he is going to combust and die of embarrassment right in this living room. “What do you mean? Yeonjun-hyung isn’t that scary.”
The silence that falls in the room is heavy and loaded, and Yeonjun wonders if the ground would do him the favor of opening up and swallowing him up. He wouldn’t mind just disappearing right now, and maybe in a few days he could return and pretend none of this had happened, and his own friends weren’t essentially discussing the nature of his heat cycle behavior.
Drop it, please, Yeonjun begs to whatever deity is listening. Please, let them drop it.
They don’t drop it.
Soobin laughs nervously, “Yeah, he’s…well, if you think I’m bad about my nest, hyung is a whole other level.”
“Soobin.” Yeonjun hisses, warning him as he turns to glare at his friend. Maybe the strength of it was lessened with the fact that he is likely as red as a tomato at the moment. “Don’t—”
“Really?” Beomgyu sounds skeptical. Yeonjun risks a glance at him and finds that the omega is already looking at him, expression serious. He can’t hold Beomgyu’s gaze for longer than a second; instead, Yeonjun shoves food into his mouth to distract himself and seem busy. Maybe if he chokes on his food, he won’t have to be present for the rest of the conversation. Yeonjun seriously considers trying to swallow down the wrong pipe.
“You don’t believe us?” Taehyun asks, and Yeonjun does not like the thoughtful tone of his words. He does not appreciate one single bit that Taehyun is looking at Yeonjun, too, and then Beomgyu like he is putting together a puzzle he had been struggling with.
Kai betrays Yeonjun one last time with a cheerful little, “Yeonjun-hyung’s heats have always been pretty…um…intense.” He shrugs, and sheepishly adds, “When we were kids, his moms wouldn’t let me come over when it happened, because he was pretty aggressive and defensive about his nests. I tried sneaking over once anyway, and…” He chuckles nervously. “It didn’t scar, thankfully! But—”
“Okay, he gets it!” Yeonjun cuts in, tone clipped. “Soobin has cute miraculous angel heats and mine are the devil. He gets the point.”
Here’s a truth about Yeonjun’s heats:
Of all the ways to describe them, chill would not be among them. It’s with great reluctance that Yeonjun admits that he falls a little higher on the aggression and territorial scale of things. It wasn’t something he was particularly proud of, and honestly made Yeonjun more than a little embarrassed to talk about.
Despite what he had led people to believe, it wasn’t often that Yeonjun had any partners for his cycles. He preferred to suck it up and suffer on his own. The stress of foreign scents in his den, of danger when he was vulnerable, was not worth the temporary gratification of easing the hormonal symptoms. It wasn’t worth feeling his blood boil and his gums itch and his skin feel too tight around his skeleton when his space was being invaded.
If he had partners, it was only because he was doing it partially sedated. Occasionally, Yeonjun craved the connection and contact of having a partner that could ease the ache of his body and the feverish burn that blinded him to anything else, and for those times, Yeonjun took a prescription that made him too lethargic to think about danger. He didn’t like to do it often because the medication always left him feeling worse than hungover when it was all over, and really, the most the medication helped with was making him too sleepy and lazy to snap at his partners. It mellowed him out enough to make others a bearable sacrifice.
Naturally, Yeonjun wasn’t particularly one to cling during his heats, unless, of course, it involves Choi Beomgyu.
These are the facts Yeonjun had known like they’d been carved into the very fabric of existence through the duration that week: the very moment Yeonjun had registered who the new scent in his home belonged to, he had been screwed over. Maybe it was that Beomgyu hadn’t just smelled like himself. Maybe the way foreign scents had clung to Beomgyu had unfurled the deeply rooted panic in Yeonjun’s chest in ways it never had before. The scents of alphas and betas and other omegas clung to him like the rain did, and he was like a mirage at that moment before a parched man.
The panic could have also been due to the fact that no matter what Yeonjun did, Beomgyu kept trying to leave him. He couldn’t handle it; he hated it so much it left Yeonjun agitated and stressed, made him fight the urge to pin Beomgyu down in his nest and keep him there for the rest of his life. It could have been that, despite all of this, Yeonjun was could still smell the want in the other omega’s scent.
Beomgyu wanted him.
When Yeonjun had been feverish and hadn’t known what was up or what was down, or whether Beomgyu was real or something Yeonjun had simply conjured up out of sheer willpower, Yeonjun had been certain that Beomgyu wanted him. He had been sure that the way Beomgyu’s breath had hitched when he had walked into the room and frozen at the sight of Yeonjun, still as stone even as his eyes raked over every inch of Yeonjun, lingering on his mouth, and the way Beomgyu’s scent had shifted when he’d locked eyes with Yeonjun, had been clear signs of desire. Before reality had set it, there had been true, devastating desire in those blown-out pupils.
So, sue Yeonjun for being a little clingy. Sue Yeonjun for being so afraid that if he didn’t hold on tightly to the boy, he would slip from his fingers and never be seen again. Could he really be blamed for taking the opportunity to desperately convince Beomgyu that he was worth staying for? Wouldn’t everyone do the same if the person they had been in love with wanted them so badly it made them dizzy, and still kept trying to leave them behind? In his heat-fogged mind, he had felt justified. If he could just keep Beomgyu there—if he could keep him happy and wanting—Yeonjun was sure he stood a chance.
So he clung.
Until the fog cleared and Beomgyu’s desire was replaced with uncertain anxiety, and he had met Yeonjun’s eyes with his own wide with dread, he had clung. When Beomgyu’s hands had trembled and he seemed to catch himself staring too long at Yeonjun and shook himself out of it with a paling expression, he had tried to cling, too, and failed.
Yeonjun regrets that he hadn’t gone for the sedation route for this last heat.
“You really didn’t know?” The genuine surprise from Taehyun makes the situation just that much worse. “I figured since you went over—”
“How do you know that?” Beomgyu cuts in, confused. He glances at Soobin, briefly.
“You were missing for two days.” Kai sheepishly reminds. “We were worried. Soobin-hyung told us where you were so we could breathe a little easier.”
“Oh.” Beomgyu averts his eyes, coughing. “Right.”
The silence that falls over them all is tense and uncomfortable then, and Yeonjun glares at Soobin so sharply the other boy shrinks into himself. He mouths ‘Sorry’ to Yeonjun, giving him the big pleading eyes again that Yeonjun is not going to accept. He’s aware that he’s sulking, but he feels justified in it. It was Soobin that just finished his cycle, yet it was Yeonjun’s they were discussing? That was unfair.
“I still don’t get why you weren’t snapped at.” Taehyun blurts, flushing as all eyes turn to him. Yeonjun meanly thinks, good. It serves him right for not dropping the subject. “Not even a little bit?”
“Taehyun.” Yeonjun threatens. “I will throw something at you.”
Yeonjun almost feels the weight of Beomgyu’s eyes on him again, prompting him to glance up because he has always been too curious for his own good. He regrets it almost immediately.
There’s that look on his face again that Yeonjun doesn’t like. It’s his Beomgyu Using His Brain expression. When he puts his round little head to proper use, he is at his most dangerous. Usually, this look is reserved for moments that led to impulsive decisions to annoy someone; Beomgyu liked to fuck around just as much as Yeonjun did, but he never enjoys the finding out portion he always failed to account for. This is a dangerous look to be the focus of because Beomgyu is uncomfortably observant when he wants to be. Today, much to Yeonjun’s misfortune, Beomgyu seems to be determined to look past the curtains that hid Yeonjun away from the masses in the light show he orchestrated.
“He didn’t snap at me.” Beomgyu hums, tilting his head. His eyes gleam. Yeonjun wants to be swallowed up by the earth. “Yeonjunnie-hyung was just a big baby through it all. Right, hyung?”
Yeonjun instinctively says, “Shut up. I hate you. I’m never forgiving you for this.”
Beomgyu’s lips quirk up. “Kind of moody though, but still a big baby.”
Yeonjun wants to retort, but Kai is already whining and startling Yeonjun out of the silent staring contest he hadn’t realized he had challenged Beomgyu to. “Of course you wouldn’t get attacked. What did I expect? You’re his favorite.”
Yeonjun shrinks further into the sofa even as he hears Beomgyu perk up at the words. "Hyung, is that true? Am I your favorite?"
Yeonjun grits out through his teeth, "No. I hate all of you, actually. My new favorite is Wooyoung."
"He's bribing you with the ring, hyung." Beomgyu insists. Yeonjun risks a peek at him; he's leaning forward on the edge of the sofa, looking like he's ten seconds away from vibrating in place, or jumping up with excitement. Yeonjun feels like he's just offered his soul to the devil. "I'm really your favorite though, right?"
Yeonjun refuses to answer. It doesn't matter that he has a soft spot for Choi Beomgyu; that soft spot can easily be overruled if he feels like Beomgyu would use that knowledge for evil. It's really for the best that Beomgyu doesn't know the extent of the effect he has on Yeonjun.
Who knows what would happen if he knew that? Yeonjun shudders at the thought.
Of course Beomgyu isn't satisfied with Yeonjun's silence. He can never just leave things alone, can he?
Without Yeonjun's permission, he suddenly has Choi Beomgyu standing over him in the loveseat, his expression expectant and eyes glittering. When Yeonjun looks around to ask for help from the others, he is met with unsympathetic grins. The message is clear: Yeonjun is on his own for this.
"Hyung, hyung." Beomgyu demands, "I'm your favorite, right? You can admit it, really. I know that you've fallen for my charms."
Just for a moment, Yeonjun freezes.
Does he know? He thinks, horrified suddenly. His palms are feeling sweaty at just the implication of the words. Did he finally put the pieces together?
Risking a glance up to gauge whether his fears are true or not, all he sees is Beomgyu's big brown eyes, his fluffy hair, his bright cheeks and the slightest hint of red dusting the tips of his ears. Beomgyu waits expectantly; he doesn't seem like he knows what he's implying. If Beomgyu knew about his feelings, surely he wouldn't be this calm?
No, Yeonjun reasons. If Beomgyu really knew about how he felt, he wouldn't be joking like this. Beomgyu wouldn't be that mean to him. He can't know.
“Shut up.” Yeonjun stammers, tucking himself into the loveseat. “We’re supposed to be making fun of Soobin for his heat, not me! Did you already forget he threw a shoe at you?”
“I already apologized—” Soobin raises his voice, but it’s too late. Beomgyu’s attention has been successfully diverted back to him, and Yeonjun crosses his arms and watches, satisfied with watching Soobin fumble with his own defense against Beomgyu after throwing Yeonjun to the actual wolves.
-
Fact: the first time Yeonjun had sought out a medical consultation for his heats was after he had accidentally sunken his teeth into a beta partner’s arm, and hadn’t been himself enough to worry until days later.
The beta had been sweet to him, and Yeonjun had tried to warn him before they’d agreed to spend it together. The beta had assured Yeonjun he knew what he was getting into, and that he had dated previous partners that were aggressive during their heats, too.
All it had taken was the beta messing with Yeonjun’s nest; the threat of his scent in the one place Yeonjun had to keep himself safe. The beta had fled—rightfully so—and had left Yeonjun to spend the rest of his cycle alone. His nest had already been tainted, though. It had been tinged with the taste of copper, aggravating Yeonjun to the point of overstimulation, and he could only pace around the rest of his home and try to pretend there wasn’t an invasive stench of a beta in it. It had been painful, but the shame of what he had done had hurt worse, later.
Later, Yeonjun would be wracked with so much guilt he had made an appointment with a reproductive doctor, and he had blocked that beta on every platform he knew. He couldn’t bear the thought of looking him in the eyes again after knowing he had harmed someone so badly they required stitches and antibiotics to heal themselves up.
He was given his prescription for suppressants that day with strict instructions to only take them as needed, only when sharing with a partner.
Yeonjun hadn’t taken them when Beomgyu had been there—he hadn’t even remembered them in favor of being wrapped up in roses and blackberries and want.
xxxi.
Fact: Choi Beomgyu is straight. Yeonjun should move on.
"Hyung, can you buy me these?" Beomgyu peeks around the corner of the shelves, holding out what looks like two packets of his favorite gummies. Yeonjun squints, about to say no when Beomgyu fixes his biggest, saddest eyes on him and Yeonjun finds himself sighing, nodding for Beomgyu to add them to the stupid cart. "Thanks! I'll pay you back when I get paid, I promise. I just didn't realize I would be a little light this month."
"Doesn't Soobin feed you?" Yeonjun grumbles, already moving on.
"No." Beomgyu scowls. "Soobin likes to hoard his emergency bread stash in his room. He thinks I don't know about it, but I do, and his greed disgusts me." Beomgyu wanders off to another isle as he says, "Oh, wait I've always wanted to try those."
Yeonjun rolls his eyes fondly as he follows. Beomgyu is picking up different packets of ramen, balancing them precariously as Yeonjun gets closer. He beams at Yeonjun, saying, "Let's try these flavors out tonight? You can come over and keep me company since Soobin works tonight."
"Are you bribing me?"
"That depends." Beomgyu says coyly. "Is it working?"
"Yes." Yeonjun tells him simply. "You're using my weakness against me."
"My cute face?"
"No, the ramen." Yeonjun laughs as Beomgyu's face falls, looking offended almost. "Don't look at me like that; beauty is fleeting, but ramen is forever."
"That is not how that expression goes."
Yeonjun just shrugs, pushing the cart against Beomgyu until he gets the hint and moves aside, grumbling at Yeonjun even as he walks beside him. "You understood what I meant though, didn't you?"
"Shut up."
They're mostly silent as they gather the rest of the things needed. Yeonjun honestly meant for this to be a quick run to the market, but Beomgyu tagging along had changed his plans a little. Beomgyu joining him and inviting him to hang out had made Yeonjun realize that tonight would probably be spent over in Soobin's home, and he had been properly braced for it until Beomgyu had said Soobin had a shift that day.
It was too late to tell Beomgyu no, though.
So, there they were: loading up on snacks for the evening that would mostly be spent lounging around. Yeonun wonders if he should be concerned by how often he stays with them, but he is a social creature, and the last time he allowed himself to stay home, he hadn't left home for a few days and had forgotten to take care of himself in favor of finishing up the panels he had procrastinated for far too long, really.
Being an artist was hard, sometimes.
At the register, Yeonjun catches the lingering look Beomgyu gives the alpha that starts to ring up their purchases.
Yeonjun’s favorite game to play is trying to figure out what the appeal of alphas are to his friends. He likes to pick the alphas apart like they’re puzzles he needs to work out, turning them into individual pieces to see if he could dissect them to their very essences. Trying to conceptualize what the attraction to alphas must be like was a fun brain exercise for Yeonjun.
One of the things that being sure of who he was attracted to from a very young age came with was that, growing up, he had never quite understood what all of his friends would be raving about when the alphas in class were near. In elementary schoolm Yeonjun hadn’t understood why his friends used to blush and giggle when they were near the boys they were crushing on. It wasn’t until junior high that Yeonjun finally understood, but in those early years, he just remembers wondering if there was something about alphas that Yeonjun just wasn’t seeing yet. It felt like everyone was in on an important secret, and nobody thought to let Yeonjun in on it, too, despite treating him as if he knew.
Maybe the omegas in class liked the way the alphas played? Yeonjun had always preferring playing games with them during breaks; they liked to run around and throw themselves at each other, and Yeonjun had liked the bursts of energy. They also usually liked to talk about the same cartoons that Yeonjun used to spend all his free time drawing obsessively in his spiral notebooks. He hadn’t been good at it yet, but he loved drawing his favorite characters regardless. Eventually, Yeonjun would start creating his own characters with their own storylines, and the alphas in class used to tell him he was so cool for it.
The omegas were fun to spend time with, too, though. Yeonjun liked how soft they were even when they played rough, how they didn’t push him the way alphas did, like he was delicate, but they pushed him like he was real. He had never quite felt like he had fit in with them, though. Yeonjun had always thought he was just not good at making friends; he’d thought that there was something wrong with him the omegas could see and that made him only able to be friends with the alphas, but that didn’t stop him from craving that closeness he saw the girls in his class share. Yeonjun yearned for the experience of having a best friend someone he could call his other half and share half of a necklace with as they did everything together. His moms hadn’t understood when he told them, crying, that he had no friends in school. They’d thought the alphas he used to play with were the same thing.
It wasn’t the same though, and he used to cry about the unfairness of being kept on the outside of a circle he, by every right, should have been a part of. When he had finally made friends with the other omegas—real friendships—he had clung to them like lifelines. Too afraid to lose them, Yeonjun had done everything he could to fit in and not give them a reason to leave.
Thus, he created his favorite game: solving the puzzles of why alphas were such a big deal.
What made his friends giggle so much over their crushes? Was it their hair? Maybe their eyes? Maybe they found alphas to be really funny, but Yeonjun hadn’t thought it was enough to be obsessed. Yeonjun was funny, too, and nobody was giggling over him. Could it be the shoes they wore? Some of the boys had the coolest shoes they wore to class, showing off to their friends and even impressing Yeonjun. Maybe it was their scents; sometimes they smelled like traces of Yeonjun’s favorite soups, rich and warm and spicy. He could kind of understand being obsessed with someone that smelled like his favorite foods.
Yeonjun played this game when he was ten years old and he had somehow gotten himself a boyfriend. It was a bit confusing, but somehow his friends giggling and encouraging Yeonjun to speak to the shy other boy had earned him his first ‘boyfriend.’ They’d assumed Yeonjun had a crush on the boy because Yeonjun liked to sit next to him sometimes to talk about their favorite cartoons. Sometimes, they would catch Yeonjun watching the boy and would tease Yeonjun about like-liking him. Yeonjun hadn’t thought he like-liked that alpha boy, but his stomach did twist into knots when they were together, and wasn’t that what butterflies felt like?
The appeal for that boy was that he had a GameBoy he sometimes brought to school that he let Yeonjun watch him play. Sometimes he brought Mario and let Yeonjun play the easier levels; sometimes he brought Kirby and blushed when Yeonjun told him he sucked at playing Kirby. It was a little offputting that the boy didn’t like to meet Yeonjun’s eyes, though, and he would always smile at him but would also tease him until Yeonjun confronted him, and he would look like a deer in the headlights when scolded.
Other virtues the boy had was that his hair was alright—it wasn’t like the hair the alphas on the TV shows had, but it was alright. He had a cute button nose, too, and he wore cool sweaters. Yeonjun wanted to have sweaters like that, but he didn’t know where to get some. They’d only been boyfriends for two weeks, but each of those days made Yeonjun so uncomfortable he wondered if that boyfriend-business was really as great as his friends made it seem.
(It was worse when they kissed; it was a peck on the cheek, and the boy had run away after, leaving Yeonjun to stand there, his heart pounding and feeling dizzy. He hadn’t liked the feeling at all, but his friends cheered and told him that it was normal; they’d all felt like that too.
Later, Yeonjun would go home and he would be inconsolable, and his moms would spend a week trying to pry the information out of him of why he had been so upset. Later, he would tearily explain what he felt, and they would exchange glances with each other, and mom would hold him tight to her muttering oh, jjunie…honey, and mama would pat his head and explain that it was alright. They would hear him say he hadn’t liked kissing the alpha boy at all, that he hadn’t liked how he smelled or how he wasn’t soft enough or pretty like the omegas, and how he would catch himself looking at the omegas instead, and how looking at them made him feel strange and warm.)
In the present, Yeonjun starts a new round of his game with the convenience store cashier. An alpha with a tasteful short haircut, dark and medium length and actually styled. Yeonjun will admit that puts something in his favor. He has nice eyes, too, if Yeonjun is being generous. If he were attracted to them, he might marvel at the kindness in them. The alpha is a bit of a pretty boy, with full lips (though his upper lip was fuller) that would probably be nice to kiss, objectively. When he spoke, his voice was low and soothing, kind of husky too. The alphas hands were nice, too; his friends always fixated on those. They were large, his fingers thicker. There’s an appeal in that, right?
The appeal to alphas was that they were stronger, wasn't it? This one looked relatively strong. He was pretty, and a little broader across his chest and shoulders than Yeonjun, but he was softer in his body type. Old friends used to rave about enjoying when alphas were softer; they were better to cuddle with. His scent is passable, if not neutral. Yeonjun had nothing against the scent of dark chocolate and warm spice, but the richness of it and the combination of the subtle alpha in the scent made him a little uneasy. He couldn't imagine finding the scent enticing, really, but it was all part of the game, wasn't it?
Beomgyu was staring at the cashier, his eyes considering him. Yeonjun caught the brief flick of them down the alpha's body, the way his ears flushed just a little. The alpha was eyeing Beomgyu, too, and Yeonjun.
The cashier asked, very friendly, "Do you guys have anything fun going on tonight?"
"Not really." Yeonjun answered, voice neutral. "Just going to watch a movie, probably."
The alpha nodded, looking at Yeonjun now, his scent sharpening just a little. The attraction was there, he noticed with an internal sigh. "That's cool. What movie?"
"Dunno yet." Yeonjun shrugged, intent on ending the conversation quickly. The last of the ramen was being rung up, anyway, the beep of the machine almost a countdown to freedom.
"Do you guys live nearby?" He asked, finishing the scan but not allowing Yeonjun to finish the transaction yet. "I haven't seen you around."
Yeonjun glances around, wondering if maybe someone else would walk in and end this exchange faster. "I don't go out much."
"Neither do I." He smiled sheepishly. "I've been obsessed with binge watching The Glory lately. Actually, I think today is the first day I've left my dorm."
Yeonjun laughed a little, perking up. "Oh, I love that show! Don't spoil it for me; I'm still at the beginning.”
"I won't." He assures, looking a little more at ease. He taps at the screen. "You'll love what happens, though. And hey, if you like that show, I might have more recommendations for you. I don’t watch a lot, but my sister does and she got me to watch it, and now I'm obsessed."
"Your sister has good taste."
"She's great." The alpha agrees. "I'm Hanjae, by the way. I swear, I think I've seen you in one of my classes. Do you take digital media marketing with Professor Kim?"
Yeonjun perked up. "Yeah, actually. Are you in the class?"
"Yeah. I usually sit in the back, so you probably don't see me. You're hard to miss though." He flushes, but the easy smile doesn't slip from his face. "You're really cool, you know? You always look great when you show up. Really great. My friend says you have great style, and I agree."
Yeonjun flushes at the compliment, always weak to those. This might be the appeal, he thinks. Alphas sometimes have a sweet earnestness to them. Hanjae is especially good at them, it seems. He's already being so sweet even behind a register.
Next to him, Beomgyu cuts in, "It's gonna be card, by the way." Yeonjun catches Beomgyu giving a flat smile to the cashier. “If you’re done, that is.”
Hanjae startles, like he had forgotten Beomgyu was there, too. Yeonjun holds out the card to Hanjae, who takes it and starts to finish the transaction now. Beside him, Beomgyu stands a little stiffer, straighter and closer to his actual height when he isn’t slouching. His hands are shoved into the pockets of his hoodie.
"Here you go," Hanjae hands it back to Yeonjun, smiling awkwardly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to hold you up."
"Thanks." Beomgyu drolls, then turns to Yeonjun, his voice warmer. "Hyung, can we go now? I want dinner already.”
Yeonjun rolls his eyes, "Yeah, we're going. You should be nicer to me, though. I bought you all this food!"
He registers Hanjae laughing a little at the exchange. Beomgyu's expression twitches with something Yeonjun can't identify fast enough, and then Beomgyu is grabbing the bag and linking his arm around Yeonjun's, startlingly close. He leans his entire side against Yeonjun, giving him just enough of a whiff of the laundry detergent he always uses to make his clothes smell neutral.
"Let's go before I waste away." Beomgyu insists, whining. Without another word, they leave, and Beomgyu relaxes only once they're out in the street, grumbling. "He was weirdly chatty."
Yeonjun hums, starting to walk in the direction of Beomgyu's apartment complex. Beomgyu walks right next to him, still linking their arms together. Yeonjun doesn't comment on it—there’s a little chill in the evening air, so maybe he's just cold.
"He's probably bored out of his mind." He shrugs. "Hey, do you think Soobin will mind if I steal something to sleep in?"
"Yeah, he will, but steal it anyway. He deserves it for eating the last of my dinner."
-
As it turns out, Soobin hadn't actually minded, and he had even encouraged Yeonjun to take from his closet. He'd even told Yeonjun he was welcome to sleep in his bed, if he liked, and that as long as he left some room for Soobin when he came home, he didn't mind at all.
Yeonjun had a sneaking suspicion Soobin was trying to give Yeonjun an option to not be as physically close to Beomgyu. He really had been oddly sweet about trying not to put Yeonjun in situations like that ever since their talk last time. It was sweet, in a weird way. Yeonjun didn't need the consideration, though he did appreciate it.
It hadn't been necessary in the end. After stealing Soobin's loosest sleep pants and a hoodie that made Yeonjun look like a blob of fabric, Beomgyu had quickly ushered Yeonjun to the kitchen where he was beginning to cook the ramen while Yeonjun sat at the table. He'd tried to get up to do it himself, but Beomgyu had actually threatened him with the end of a chopstick too close to his eye for comfort, so Yeonjun had reluctantly sat back down.
When it was ready, Beomgyu hadn't been able to beat Yeonjun to the pot, so he'd been unable to stop Yeonjun from filling his bowl first. He'd sulked about it, saying he was supposed to be the host, not Yeonjun, but he had eaten his share of the ramen well. He'd even eaten the portion Yeonjun had topped his bowl off with when he'd mostly finished, and though he looked vaguely sick after eating so much food, he looked content enough that Yeonjun finally relaxed. Beomgyu was well fed, the apartment was warm, and it was quiet and relaxed. It was only natural they had both started to drift off on the sofa.
They hadn't even gotten a chance to start the drama before Beomgyu was yawning wide, stretching his joints with little pops and falling limp against Yeonjun's side, sliding down until his head was resting over Yeonjun’s lap. He turned and tucked his head into Yeonjun's belly for a moment, like a cat seeking warmth, so Yeonjun leaned back and allowed it. He had to draw the line though when Beomgyu started giggling to himself, shaking Yeonjun.
"What's funny?" He had asked, wearily. "My stomach is not that funny."
"I can hear it gurgling. You're digesting so loudly, Yeonjunnie-hyung." Beomgyu said, barely keeping a straight face.
Yeonjun flushed. He pushed Beomgyu off of him, standing up with all grogginess leaving him. "You're so weird. Leave my belly alone. It's working hard."
Beomgyu just laughed louder, springing up to his feet and trailing after Yeonjun. He grabbed the sleeve of the hoodie when Yeonjun started to pivot towards Soobin's room, wearing a confused little frown on his doll-like lips when he asked, "You're not going to sleep with me tonight?"
Yeonjun blinked, slowly. "Soobin said I could use his bed so you don't have to share yours. I know how you get."
Beomgyu's frown deepens into a scowl, and under his breath, he hisses, "Soobin, when I get you..." It's Yeonjun's turn to frown as he decides if he should even bother asking what is going on in Beomgyu’s head, but Beomgyu shakes himself of his brief Soobin-Spite moment to say more earnestly to Yeonjun, "It's okay when it's you. I don't mind you being in it, hyung." He stage-whispers suddenly, like they're conspiring together. "Don't tell Kai, but you're my favorite, too."
Yeonjun chuckles, "He probably felt it wherever he is. Watch, you'll see him tomorrow and he'll be sulking because you replaced him."
"You've always been my favorite," Beomgyu shakes his head, and then he tacks on an unnecessary, "For some reason."
He deserves the aggressive noogie Yeonjun pulls him into, even if he's screeching and laughing through his unsuccessful flailing to escape the hold. He ends up wrapping his arms around Yeonjun's waist to try to keep himself from falling onto his face, and when Yeonjun finally deems Beomgyu properly chastised, he releases him, dropping him completely. Beomgyu stumbles back, still laughing, his hair a mess, his eyes crinkled and his whisker dimples on full display as he flattens down the ruffled fabric of his clothes. Yeonjun feels so warm.
"C'mon, we've shared a bed before. I like cuddling you. You're warm." Beomgyu insisted once he calmed the last of his giggles. "Please? I already made room for you, hyung, are you going to make my hard work go to waste?"
"Alright, alright." Yeonjun shakes his head, turning to Beomgyu's room. "Are you this needy with Soobin?"
"Yeah, but I usually hog Soobin's bed."
Yeonjun nods; it makes sense. It would probably be easier to fit into Soobin's bed than have Soobin squish into the cloud of Beomgyu's bed, and close contact is quite possibly the best form of bonding between pack members. Yeonjun loved it; for the longest time, he had felt too lonely when he had left home, no longer near his family and old friends to fill those familiar bonds and finding himself withering away with them until he had begun to make new friends. It was nothing like the bonds with his friends now, though. The warmth in his chest and the soothing nature of having his friends' scents around him was much stronger with his little found pack; it felt like coming home.
A month ago, Yeonjun wouldn’t be able to fathom how familiar he is with fitting himself into the sheets now, or the even more familiar way Beomgyu plasters himself to his side. He allows himself to get comfortable, already beginning to drift off, when Beomgyu starts to move around again. He ends up tucked against Yeonjun's front, on his side, and he had aggressively reached for Yeonjun's arms to wrap around himself to sleep. He hadn't even fought it, just letting Beomgyu maneuver him how he wanted. Yeonjun was just happy to have the comfort of company through the night, something warm and familiar and soothing. He always slept better with other people.
"We always end up here, don't we?" Yeonjun notes, stifling a yawn. "Choi Beomgyu, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me. Always trying to get me into your bed."
His heart stops for a moment after he says the words, panicking just enough to stiffen, and he's about to apologize for his carelessness when Beomgyu snorts and says, "You'd know when I was trying to seduce you, hyung. I've been told I'm not very subtle about it."
Yeonjun releases the breath, relaxing. He tentatively sniffs the air, seeking for any discomfort Beomgyu might have tried to hide from him, but there is none. Yeonjun tightens his arms around Beomgyu, patting his belly twice and then relaxing. Something settles in him that he hadn't realized had been restless before, something that had been setting him on edge and making him feel like he was a live wire in Beomgyu's presence.
The feelings Yeonjun tries not to think about calm in his stomach, the butterflies settling down to sleep. They'll wake up in the morning, he's sure, but for the first time, Yeonjun wonders if he should release them from the confines of his ribcage. If they are set free, maybe he'd have room for others to grow, different but no less precious for it.
Beomgyu starts to drift off, Yeonjun just about there. He has his nose full of Beomgyu's new shampoo, and the soft, content notes of Beomgyu’s natural scent, and for the first time, Yeonjun's heart doesn't pound with anticipation, but with a quiet calm.
This is the moment Yeonjun realizes that they are okay. This friendship between them that he cherishes more than life itself has not been fractured beyond repair. Somehow, Yeonjun had managed to preserve this bond, and it hasn't broken yet, and it’s perfect. It’s the weight of the world off of his back to know he hasn't ruined this friendship, too. Beomgyu will not leave him as well.
Yeonjun resolves, then and there, that he is going to release the butterflies making home in his stomach. They will find a new home, he's sure. Beomgyu is astonishingly loveable. There will never not be a line of admirers for him to choose from, but Yeonjun cannot be one of them.
He will get over this crush, he decides, and he will do it without regrets. This was something too precious to risk losing, something to preserve. The comfort and ease, the trust and understanding, is what Yeonjun had been aching for. This is what he had wanted when he stared longingly at the other kids in the playground; someone that is his best friend. Someone that understands him. It's what's been missing, when he had been too young to understand why he hadn't been able to be like the other kids and just make friends, why he had felt separated from them over something he hadn't been able to properly name at the time.
Yeonjun won't lose this—he won't regret the circumstances that led to this realization, either. Yeonjun is grateful just to have Beomgyu in his life, however he chooses to be present.
Yeonjun will count his blessings. He will not selfishly reach for what is not his to have.
xxxii.
Truth: Hwang Hyunjin would make a good boyfriend, if Yeonjun allows it.
They could be good together; Hyunjin understands him, too, in a way that few do. They have a comfort and ease that Yeonjun can easily see deepening with a little more effort, a little intention on his part. He’s beautiful, too, and he makes Yeonjun feel happy. Yeonjun likes to think he could make Hyunjin feel that way, too. They could work, in theory.
The next time Yeonjun sees him, he greets Hyunjin with a kiss that startles the other omega. They don’t usually exchange silly affections like that before they’ve even started their usual hook-up. They go about their usual routine, except this time, when it's over, Yeonjun doesn't ready himself to leave. This time, he closes his eyes and breathes in citrus and lets it comfort him, lets himself sink into it for once and tries to ignore the way part of him rebels at the thought.
"Are you alright?" Hyunjin asks him, worry bleeding into his words. He pets Yeonjun's hair as a small comfort. Hyunjin’s heart is pounding in his chest; Yeonjun can hear it where his head is resting over it. "You're acting...different."
Yeonjun shakes his head. "There's a lot on my mind."
"Penny for your thoughts?"
"You'll be bankrupt if you paid me for everything in my head right now." Yeonjun laughs dryly. "You were right. I should move on."
Hyunjin is quiet for several beats. He doesn't stop petting Yeonjun's hair, and gradually Yeonjun feels the gratitude bleed into his scent; he knows Hyunjin smells it. It's another thing he liked about Hyunjin; he was thoughtful and tactile, and he didn’t misread Yeonjun’s signs. "Did something happen?"
"No." Yeonjun shakes his head. He thinks, just for a moment, that his eyes sting, and his throat is burning. He pretends it's nothing and that he doesn't know what it means, just like Hyunjin pretends not to feel the salty wetness on his skin from Yeonjun's cheeks. He just pets his hair gentler, a soothing rhythm. Around him, his scent softens in an obvious attempt to soothe Yeonjun. "And nothing is going to happen. I know that it won't. He's not..." Yeonjun thinks back to the moments he had thought maybe? The doubts Beomgyu had spoken, the way he had looked so hesitant about who he was now that he was reconsidering his new normal. "He's straight, for all intents and purposes. That won't change. Right now, he thinks he's not, but he will be in the end."
Just like always.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Yeonjun shakes his head, taking a deep breath. He'll be alright. He doesn't regret his decision to move on, but that doesn't make it any easier on his heart to know that its affections won't be reciprocated. "I don't mind. He's my best friend, and I am happy to keep him as that. Just...it just kind of sucks right now."
Again, Hyunjin honestly says, "I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I didn't want to be right. You don't deserve heart break, from a straight boy of all things."
The joke makes Yeonjun laugh, just a little, and it's watery but it makes him feel a little better anyway. He rubs the tears from his eyes with the palms of his hands, sniffling. "I should move on."
"Yeah." Hyunjin agrees, "You'll be alright."
Yeonjun hums, and says, "Can I stay the night?"
Hyunjin wraps the blankets around them, his voice light, "I guess tonight you can, because your heart has an emotional boo-boo. Should I kiss it better?"
He laughs, because his only other option is to cry, and Yeonjun thinks he has cried enough tears for people that will never choose him the way he desperately craves to be chosen.
(Truth(?): Yeonjun will be fine. It will eventually stop hurting to watch Beomgyu fall in love with other people. He has done it before, and he can do it again. It was his fault for misreading things that were never there. This will all be in the past, where it belongs.)
-
Truth: Choi Beomgyu is an agent of chaos spit out directly from a black hole into Yeonjun's path just to mess with him. He feeds off of derailing Yeonjun's life in irreparable ways. Yeonjun should have expected this; that man was a Pisces, after all.
He should have known the sudden silence from Beomgyu when he had asked where Yeonjun had gotten his sweater from had soured his scent the next time they saw each other, only growing worse when Yeonjun had absentmindedly told him he had stolen it from Hyunjin's closet because he'd been running late, was a bad omen. Beomgyu was never just silent. He especially wasn’t silent when they were making their way through campus together, which is where Beomgyu is objectively his most chatty.
He should have known from the way Beomgyu hadn't smelled like himself that day, but suddenly he was bitter and unhappy, and Yeonjun was scrunching his nose and unsure what he had done. He hadn't gotten much from Beomgyu that day, because Beomgyu had been oddly scentless. Sterile, almost, like he preferred when he was having a particularly rough day with his nose, his sensitivity amped up to astronomical levels.
"Hyunjin?" Beomgyu asked, staring at the neckline of the sweater sharply. "Your friend?"
Yeonjun hummed, "Yeah, I guess. You probably don't know him."
Beomgyu hadn't looked away yet. Yeonjun frowned. "What, do you not like the sweater? I thought it was cute."
"You smell like oranges." Beomgyu tells him, tone clipped. "Is that your friend?"
"Yeah." He stops walking; they'd been on their way to their respective lectures. "Dude, you can't seriously be telling me I stink. I showered before I left."
Impossibly, Beomgyu stills further. He meets Yeonjun's eyes, jaw tight. Just for a moment, Yeonjun thinks he spots something like anger, like—
No.
Stop making up the things you want to see.
"He scented you." Beomgyu says slowly. “You smell like this a lot, lately.”
Normally, Yeonjun would shrug off the comment. He doesn’t necessarily like to mention his partners to Beomgyu; something about it feels wrong. It’s like crossing a line he hadn’t remember drawing in the sand. Despite how often Yeonjun has heard the gritty details of Beomgyu’s love life, Yeonjun keeps his to himself. At first, it was because he didn’t want to make Beomgyu uncomfortable. In Yeonjun’s experience, straight people didn’t typically feel comfortable when their not-straight friends talked about their same-subgender relationships—somehow, someone would always get it into their mind that Yeonjun was indirectly talking about them, and it made things very awkward very quickly.
Then, it was because Yeonjun didn’t want to tell Beomgyu about his experiences. He didn’t want to sit there and watch Beomgyu not care about what Yeonjun did, when Yeonjun cared very much about what (or rather, who) Beomgyu did.
He takes a deep breath. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together.”
“Because he’s your friend.” Beomgyu’s brows furrow when Yeonjun makes a face. “He’s your friend, right?”
“He is,” He purses his lips; there’s a little bit of a sharp tint to Beomgyu’s scent, but he doesn’t think about it. “Mostly. We uh…” Yeonjun’s cheeks warm up and he brings his hands up to cover his face a little. “Okay, we have this casual thing going, right? We fool around when we have time, and it’s nice. We’re friends, but he suggested we be more, and…” He makes a frustrated sound, closing his eyes. “He suggested we date.”
Beomgyu chokes. Alarmed at the noise, Yeonjun turns to see Beomgyu looking oddly pinched. “But you don’t want to date.” He says. Yeonjun makes an unsure noise, and Beomgyu’s eyes grow so wide they almost look like they’ll fall out. “Hyung, you don’t want to date him, right?”
Yeonjun whines a little, neither committing nor rejecting, and shrugs. “Maybe I should try. It’s been a while, you know?”
Beomgyu’s expression is still pinched. “But you…you don’t date. Hyung, you never have boyfriends. Are you sure you want this Hyunjin guy—”
“Maybe it’s time I try,” Yeonjun interrupts, watching Beomgyu stammer. “Is it really that weird? I can be a good boyfriend if I wanted to be, you know.” He laughs awkwardly, regretting opening his mouth. “Ah, this is stupid, isn’t it? It’s not a big deal or anything.”
Beomgyu swallows thickly. Yeonjun is briefly hit with something bitter, and he scrunches his nose.
“He’s been scenting you.” Beomgyu finally says, steps halting. “It’s a big deal if he’s scenting you. You’re always—” His nose wrinkles, and suddenly Beomgyu is latched onto Yeonjun’s sleeve, and just as quickly releases him. “He scents you, but we’ve never…”
Yeonjun rubs the back of his neck. "Well, because you don't like it. Your nose always does that thing it does when you don't like something when I tried before, so I figured it was just too much. I didn't want to overwhelm you."
"It won't." Beomgyu insists, but his nose is wrinkling, and he looks vaguely ill. Yeonjun feels bad, but he pulls away. He pats Beomgyu's head in reassurance, smiling when Beomgyu leans into the touch like a cat. "Hyung, can we--"
"Not today." Yeonjun shakes his head, and Beomgyu's expression falls. "You already look overwhelmed, Beomie. When you're having a better day with your nose, we will, okay? If you still want to." He pauses, and then gently reminds, "Take your medication. You'll give yourself a migraine if you don't."
Beomgyu doesn't look any better when Yeonjun walks away, even though he had given the omega a quick, bone crushing hug, and kissed the top of his head. He watched Yeonjun walk away with his hands fisted around the strap of his messenger bag, knuckles white and eyes flashing, and face so eerily blank Yeonjun almost felt bad. He hopes Beomgyu isn’t too upset by his hesitation.
Later, he told himself. Later he'd fix whatever had just happened.
xxxiii.
Truth: The universe has a sick sense of humor.
The last time Beomgyu had gathered them all together in his living room like this, he had just experienced the worst heat of his life (Beomgyu's own words) and he had been so traumatized from the entire ordeal, he had resolved never to let it happen again.
"I'm done with alphas," Beomgyu had said back then, and Yeonjun had wanted to laugh, because god, weren't those words familiar? If Yeonjun got paid for how often he heard it, he would never have to work again.
Now, as they all gather in the living room, Beomgyu stands before them with his arms crossed, and his shoulders squared, and though his hands are shaking, his voice comes out steady.
"You know how I said I was done with alphas?" He starts, and Soobin snorts.
"Your dating ban." He rolls his eyes. "Yes, Beomgyu. We're aware. It's not like you haven't mentioned it every other day or anything.”
Beomgyu scowls, "I don't mention it that often."
"Yes, you do." The other three say together, and Beomgyu flushes.
He clears his throat. "Okay, well...About that."
Oh, Yeonjun thinks, watching Beomgyu fidget and avert his gaze, not meeting anyone's eyes. Here it comes. He found someone.
He prepares to offer his sympathies and tell him, "Make sure you don't let him walk all over you." He prepares to bite his tongue against anything, just like usual. His thoughts don't matter when it comes to his love life, aside from his support. Yeonjun has no right to give his opinion of it at all, and he is determined to be a good supportive friend. He just hopes that, this time, the alpha Beomgyu is smitten with is worth it, and that he makes Beomgyu happy.
"I'm still done with alphas." Beomgyu announces, and slowly he meets every eye in the room. They're all silent as they wait for him to finish, just like they always are. Beomgyu rakes his hands through his hair nervously, but he doesn't avert his eyes anymore. He finds Yeonjun's eyes and holds their gaze, and Yeonjun feels like the ground is opening up beneath him. "It has recently come to my attention that I may not be as attracted to them as I thought I was. Or at all."
In the pause, Soobin sits up straighter, and Kai and Taehyun both stop fidgeting. Yeonjun stares, unsure what is happening. Beomgyu doesn't look away, his gaze growing sharper. Yeonjun doesn't like feeling like he is made of sheer skin, like everything inside of him is laid out for Beomgyu to pick though, but he can't do anything about it over the way his thoughts have screeched to a halt.
What?
"I'm pretty sure, actually, that I'm not attracted to them. I mean..." He shrugs carelessly, like what he says next doesn't inject every butterfly swarming in Yeonjun's body with a stimulant. "I've been experimenting a little...going out on some dates and...stuff." He coughs. "Betas, mostly, and some omegas, and...well. Its different. It’s nice."
Yeonjun's fingers clench into fists in his lap. What?
He's been with others.
He's experimenting.
He's been with others, and not—
He forces himself to remain seated, his back slouched and reclined on the back of the sofa. He won't move, makes his muscles stay just as they are. This is something he's used to—he won't react. It doesn't matter. This is not his business. It doesn't matter who Beomgyu has been with, just like it hadn't mattered before. It isn't his business. Just because it’s not alphas this time makes no difference. Yeonjun has no right to care.
'Some omegas.'
‘Some omegas.’
Experimenting with other omegas. Experimenting with others, touching others, like he isn't right there. Like Yeonjun isn't—
"So that's where you've been going recently?" Soobin blurts, "On dates?"
Yeonjun feels a pair of eyes burning into the side of his head, and he doesn't have to turn to know Soobin is giving him the most unsubtle concerned look ever. Not me. He almost wants to scream, to tell Soobin to at least try not to hold a sign above Yeonjun's head announcing his feelings. He didn't ask me.
"Sometimes." Beomgyu confirmed. He took a deep breath, and said, "Anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you. I'm pretty sure I'm not straight—I’m definitely done with alphas, but I don't know the rest. I'll keep you updated, though. Obviously."
Kai says, "Thanks for telling us, hyung. Thank you for trusting us!"
Taehyun, voice soft and sweet, says, "You seem happier."
It’s the sweet support Yeonjun should be giving. The words are on the tip of his tongue, the warm sentiment and unconditional love what friends are supposed to do.
Beomgyu smiles tentatively, and he has not looked away from Yeonjun even once. He meets his eyes without faltering, glinting with what is almost a challenge. He's watching Yeonjun too closely, looking through him like he’s searching for an answer. Does he know what Yeonjun is thinking? Does he know about the paintings? Does he know Yeonjun has been tried on so many times and found unsuitable? Is that why— "Yeah. It's been a weight off my back knowing why I was never happy with alphas."
—before, it had been because Beomgyu thought he was an alpha. Before, it had been that Beomgyu was not attracted to omegas. There wasn't a chance before, not in a million years. Before, Yeonjun wasn't even an option, so of course he wouldn't be—
Thats when the others stand up, each engulfing Beomgyu in a quick, supportive hug that Beomgyu happily accepts. He seems shy under the attention, almost, cheeks pink and lips curling up ever so slightly.
—the choice. He's never the choice. Yeonjun is the riddle to ponder but never solve. Yeonjun is the painting to immortalize, the muse that isn’t real. He is a fantasy to indulge in, a warm body and a safety net for self-exploration, a convenient option, except—
Beomgyu breaks away from the others to approach Yeonjun, staring him down. He seems nervous, oddly so, as he prods, "Hyung? You haven't said anything."
—he's not even a choice this time, is he? He isn't a muse, he isn't convenient. Beomgyu has been experimenting with other omegas. He’s been choosing other omegas.
Yeonjun clears his throat, slowly standing and pulling Beomgyu into a tight hug. He pats his head mechanically, just like he always does, and presses numb lips to his head. His lips curve up—gentle, he reminds himself. Yeonjun holds him, and says, "Thanks for telling us."
Beomgyu hugs him too tightly. "Tell me what you're thinking, please?"
What did the others have that I didn't? Why didn't you come to me? You aren't following the pattern; you were supposed to come to me. Boys like you always come to boys like me, and boys like me always fall for it. Why didn't you?
Why not me?
Yeonjun breathes a laugh. "I just want you to be happy, Beomie. Do what makes you happy."
When Yeonjun steps back, Beomgyu watches him oddly. He doesn't have the brain capacity to analyze it, everything in him focused on keeping the muscles of his body relaxed and easygoing. There's no need for anyone to know the spiral of his thoughts. No need for Beomgyu to have to deal with the jumbled mess of his own thoughts.
Why didn't you come to me?
-
Truth: Choi Yeonjun is always an option; never the choice.
Truth: Choi Beomgyu has been with other omegas. Choi Beomgyu has been with other omegas. Choi Beomgyu has been with other omegas that are not Choi Yeonjun.
Lie: Choi Beomgyu is straight.