Chapter Text
Harry had a good week. He stayed with his parents after his Occlumency lesson and didn't have any urges to harm himself. Everything seemed to be going alright until he had a lesson with Dumbledore.
"We're dueling today," Albus said as they were walking through the halls.
"We haven't done that in a while," Harry commented.
"No, we haven't," Albus agreed. "I think it's time to see where your skills are."
"I still can't beat you, Professor."
"Ah, we will see. I have heard how well you have been doing with other professors."
"I've gotten better, sure, but I'm not at your level."
"Maybe not, but I don't expect you to be. I want you to just do the best you can."
"I'll try," Harry said.
"That's all I ask."
When they got to the large, empty classroom Harry did everything he could to hype himself up. He got good sleep last night and had a decent breakfast. He could do this.
"Wands at the ready," Albus began. "Go!"
Harry immediately tried to disarm Dumbledore, but he easily dodged it.
This began a duel that lasted half an hour. Harry and Albus were pretty evenly matched for most of it and it was unclear who would win. Albus was wearing Harry down when all of a sudden, Harry's jelly legs jinx hit Albus. While many wizards could withstand this, a wizard who is over 100 may struggle.
Albus fell to the ground and Harry took this chance to disarm him.
"Expelliarmus!"
Albus' wand flew out of his hand and into Harry's.
"Whoa," is all Harry could say. Not only was he beyond shocked he beat Dumbledore, but the wand was unlike anything he ever experienced. Before he could ponder that for long, he heard Albus speak.
"Indeed. Now, if I may stand again, that would be helpful."
Harry canceled all of the jinxes and hexes on himself and Dumbledore and went to help the old wizard stand up.
"Congratulations."
"Uh, thanks. I think that was just a fluke, though."
"Whatever the reason may be, you won, fair and square," Albus said.
Harry held out his hand with Albus' wand, but Albus just closed Harry's fingers around it.
"Professor?" Harry questioned, confused.
"The wand is yours now."
"I don't understand. You need your wand."
"This wand is not my original wand, it was… given to me many years ago. I rather look forward to going back to my original wand."
"But Sir, I'm so confused," Harry said.
Albus gave him a small smile and took a step closer to him. "Promise me, Harry, you will use this wand when it's time."
Harry knew what Albus meant by 'when it's time', but could not understand how the wand was his and why he needed to use it.
"Professor?" Harry questioned again.
"Promise me," Albus said, his voice stern.
"I promise," Harry replied earnestly.
"Good. Now, I think we've done enough for the day. Why don't you go rest?" Albus suggested.
Harry gave a small nod, agreeing, and walked back to his dorm.
He was finally able to think about the wand. The magic seemed to almost hum. He felt the magic coursing through his body and the wand. It truly felt like he had the full ability of his magic and the wand was there to guide it.
Before long, however, Harry made his way to his bed.
The rest of his friends were at class and Harry set up a silencing charm (his parents weren't here to stop him) and quickly fell asleep, worn out from the duel.
When he woke up, Harry took down the silencing charm and moved the curtains out of the way and saw his friends hanging out.
"Harry! It's good to see you!" Neville said.
"Hey, guys," Harry said, stretching.
"How was defense? Sorry, I had a private lesson again," Harry explained.
"It was okay, but Professor McKinnon didn't act like herself again. I'm not sure what's going on with her," Ron said.
Harry wrinkled his brow. He wasn't sure what was going on with her, either. He had to talk to his parents.
"I'll try to find out and let you guys know," Harry said. "I'll go ask my dads now. Do we have time before dinner?"
"Yeah," Dean said.
"Great. I'll see you lot later."
Harry made his way to the Marauder Quarters and when he opened the door he saw Sirius grading papers on the couch.
"Hey, Dadfoot. Is Moony Da here?" Harry asked.
"I'm here!" Harry heard a voice call from the kitchen. Remus came out wearing an apron.
"What's up?" Harry asked.
"I just thought I'd make some biscuits for after dinner," Remus said.
"Oh, nice," Harry commented.
"Now, what can we help you with?" Sirius asked kindly.
"I had my lesson with Dumbledore today during defense, but Ron and Dean and Seamus and Neville all agreed that Auntie Mar just wasn't herself today. She's been off for the past few lessons. Is she okay? Is this in response to what you told her?"
"Truthfully, Harry, we didn't get to tell her what was going on," Remus said.
"Why? What happened?" Harry asked.
Sirius and Remus exchanged a look.
"What is it?" Harry asked.
Remus finally spoke up. "We can't tell you what happened, Harry, but we can say that Marlene is healing and working through some stuff right now."
"Would she like it if I visited her?" Harry asked.
"You're welcome to go and ask, but don't be offended if she says no. Sometimes people want company when they are not doing their best and sometimes they don't."
"I understand. Can I see her now?"
"I don't see why not," Sirius said.
Harry stood up and gave his uncles/dads a quick hug. "See you at dinner!"
"See you," they replied.
Harry made his way to Dorcas and Marlene's quarters. He knocked on the door and waited.
"Harry! It's good to see you!" Dorcas said, opening the door. "How can I help you?"
"I was hoping to talk to Auntie Mar for a bit. Is she busy?"
Dorcas looked over her shoulder and then turned back to Harry. "She might not be up for visitors, but I'll check."
Harry stood in the doorway and looked around. It didn't take too long for Dorcas to come back with Marlene.
"Hey, Harry," Marlene said.
Harry noted she sounded much more subdued than normal.
"Can we talk? It's nothing bad, I just want to check in with you.
"Sure," Marlene said. She walked to the couch and Harry followed behind her while Dorcas shut the door. Harry sat down next to Marlene and then began to speak. "Auntie Mar, how are you doing? You've seemed off the past few lessons and I wanted to make sure you're okay."
Marlene looked up at Dorcas who said, "It's up to you."
Marlene sighed and thought for a moment before she said, "Harry, before I tell you anything, are your parents aware that you're here and talking to me?"
"Yeah. I asked them about you. They said you're healing and working through things. They know I'm here."
Marlene nodded. "Okay, good. I'm willing to talk to you but I want to make sure they're aware of it."
"Aunit Mar, what's wrong?" Harry asked, concerned.
"When you had your Occlumency lesson and your parents came over, it was around the anniversary of a traumatic Auror mission for me. I had been struggling for a few days and I relapsed in my self harm."
"Oh, Auntie Marlene, I am so sorry!" Harry said. "Are you okay now?"
Marlene gave Harry a small, reassuring smile. "I'm doing better now, yes. Just like your parents said, I am taking time and healing. I'm working through things with Dorcas, your dads, and my therapist. It's just a slow process. I wasn't expecting to relapse and it's come with a wave of depression. I'm starting to see the other side, though, and beginning to feel better. It takes time."
"How can I help?" Harry asked.
"You're so sweet, Harry. Just keep being you and keep working hard to take care of yourself."
"I'll try," Harry replied honestly.
"That's all I ask," Marlene said warmly. "Now, how are you doing?"
"I'm doing alright," Harry said. He began to tell Marlene and Dorcas what he's been up to and how he has been feeling. Harry didn't feel like going into the whole Horcrux situation after what Marlene told him. Eventually, it was time for dinner.
"Want to head down to dinner with us?" Dorcas asked, gently telling both Marlene and Harry that it was time to eat.
"I guess," Harry said, not feeling particularly hungry.
Dorcas smiled and Harry walked with his aunts to the Great Hall. Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table and joined his friends.
"Did you hear anything about Professor McKinnon?" Dean asked.
Harry almost forgot that that was the main reason he was checking in with Marlene and Dorcas in the first place.
"Uh, kind of," Harry said, trying to think of what to say.
"So? What's the matter?" Seamus asked.
"She, uh, is just working through some stuff right now. She's okay and I'm sure she'll be back to herself soon."
That seemed to be enough for the boys since as soon as Harry finished his sentence, food made its way on the tables and they started to eat.
Harry put some food on his plate, but mostly pushed it around. He wasn't purposefully trying not to eat, but he had so much on his mind and he wasn't very hungry.
Near the end of the meal, he heard a whisper in his ear.
"Hey, Harry. Why don't you come with me?"
It was Remus.
"I don't want to. I'm fine," Harry whispered, not without an attitude.
"Harry, I think it'd be good for you to take a moment or two right now."
"I said I'm fine!" Harry said loudly. Everyone turned to look at him.
"I'm fine," Harry repeated quieter, cheeks flaming.
Remus took a step back. "Okay. I'll be in the quarters if you need anything."
Harry gave a stiff nod. He tried to turn back to his food, but didn't want anything. After a minute or two, there were some people still staring and Harry gave up. He dropped his fork to his plate with a clatter and got off the bench. "I'll see you lot later."
"Harry, wait!" Hermione said, not wanting him to go off after his behavior.
Harry just ignored her. He wasn't sure where he should go because he didn't want to be found. He decided to go to the Room of Requirement and hide. It transformed into an empty room, with a couple chairs and a table. Harry was too preoccupied to think of anything too detailed.
Harry made his way to a chair and sat down in it. He couldn't stop thinking about his aunt Marlene and then what happened with dinner. He probably should've gone with Remus, but he just wanted to work things out on his own. His thoughts were all jumbled and he couldn't think straight. He did want to hurt himself. He looked around for anything he could use, but couldn't find anything except for his wand. Harry cursed and let a few tears out. He hated how he was feeling. He didn't want anyone to find him, but at the same time, he kind of did. He knew he needed to get to Remus but in his mind he didn't want to admit defeat.
So, Harry stayed in the Room of Requirement for hours, taking turns between sitting there and pacing. He tried to scratch at his arm a few times, but the charm was still applied to his fingers. Harry wasn't sure where to go or what to do.
Meanwhile, Remus and Sirius were also pacing, but in the Marauder Quarters.
"Moony, where could he be?"
"I'm not sure," Remus admitted. They checked the map more than once and didn't see him.
"Could he have left the campus?"
"Possibly, but he knows how dangerous it is for him out there. My gut tells me he's still in the castle."
Sirius sighed. "It's been hours, Remus. I want to find our son."
"Siri, he doesn't want to be found right now. Let's just give him his space. He has his pendant and Albus has his gimmicks that alert him if Harry's in life threatening danger. Besides, I've been working with him and he's doing well."
"If you say so," Sirius said, seemingly unconvinced.
"I do," Remus said reassuringly, walking to Sirius and kissing him on the top of his head. "Now, let's get to bed. We'll find him in the morning. We need our rest to be the best we can be for him. He knows where we are if he needs us. It's going to be okay."
Sirius nodded and hugged his husband. Remus squeezed tightly, doing what he could to comfort his husband.
Remus was worried, of course, but he knew Harry was doing well overall. He also knew, like he told Sirius, that Harry didn't want to be found. Remus didn't want to push Harry in this situation. He knew that it would sort itself out.
Remus and Sirius did go to bed, but struggled falling asleep as they were worried for their son.
Harry, on the other hand, didn't get any rest. His brain kept running around in circles. Eventually, Harry was close to a panic attack. His heart was pounding and he was sweaty and trembling. Harry was slightly disoriented, as it was the middle of the night and he was approaching a panic attack, but he knew he needed to get help. Harry stumbled to a familiar spot. He whispered the password and shut the door behind him. Harry immediately relaxed as the smell of Remus engulfed him.
Harry made his way to the couch and laid down. He was so tired that once he relaxed, it didn't take long for him to fall asleep, albeit a bit uneasy.
Remus and Sirius had fallen asleep, but around two in the morning, Remus woke up and saw his wand blinking.
Remus knew that blinking was for his office. He quickly and quietly got out of bed and pulled his robe on. He had to walk to his office since there wasn't a fire going at the moment. Remus almost always has a fire going during the day, but rarely at night. He hurried to his office. He opened the door to his office and immediately saw Harry sleeping on the couch.
Remus' whole body relaxed at the sight of his son. Remus wanted to pick Harry up and carry him back to his bed, but even Remus could see Harry wasn't in a deep restful sleep and he didn't want to wake him up. Remus grabbed a soft, weighted blanket and gently laid it on Harry. Harry stirred, but settled down. Remus smiled and sat down in his armchair. He waved his wand and the armchair turned into a recliner. Remus got comfortable and closed his eyes. His cub was safe.
Remus woke up first. He put darkening shades over his window and made sure the room was a comfortable temperature. He wanted Harry to sleep as long as possible. Remus made his way to his desk and started to do some notes on some patients and check some care plans.
Harry woke up about an hour later. He was confused at first, but quickly realized he was in Remus' office. He sat up abruptly and saw Remus giving him a warm smile as he walked over to Harry.
"Good morning, Cub. How'd you sleep?" Remus asked as he turned the lights on with his wand, but kept them dim.
"Okay, I think," Harry said, rubbing his eyes.
Remus sat down in his armchair. "Take your time and wake up a little. When you're ready, I'm here."
Harry nodded. He laid back down again and pulled the weighted blanket over his whole body, with only his head sticking out. He felt some of the anxiety coming back and wanted to squash it. He wasn't very successful so he decided to start to talk to Remus.
"I'm sorry for last night. I shouldn't have talked to you that way," Harry said, making eye contact with the ground as he sat up.
"I appreciate that apology, thank you. However, I'm much more concerned with how you're doing. I was worried about you last night. Sirius and I couldn't find you on the map."
Harry rolled his eyes, knowing that they would do that.
"We love you and want you safe," Remus reminded Harry.
"I was safe. I didn't do anything." Harry said.
Remus knew that Harry wanted to keep where he was private, and Remus was going to accept that for now.
"I'm proud of you. I am sure that wasn't easy."
Harry shrugged and looked at the floor again.
"Do you want to tell me what happened last night? Maybe I can help. I can sense that you're feeling anxious."
Harry let out a small sigh at his dad's werewolf senses, but started to talk anyway.
"It all started when I went to talk to Auntie Marlene and Dorcas. Auntie Marlene told me about her self-harm. I guess it affected me more than I thought it would. I wasn't hungry for dinner and it was all I could think about."
"What do you think bothered you about it?"
Harry sighed again. "I'm not sure," he started slowly. "I think I might've been triggered. Not because she just hurt herself, but she hurt herself!"
"What's so significant about Auntie Marlene?" Remus asked, despite having some ideas.
"I think," Harry began, just thinking and processing out loud. "I think it's because I didn't think she could, or well, would relapse in her self harm. She's had it under control for years and she's an adult! Like a real adult!"
Remus nodded, urging Harry to continue as he knew Harry was approaching the real reason.
"I mean, she's an adult! If she can relapse after years of being free of it, then that means I could, too! I'm working SO hard to stop, Moony Da. You know this."
Remus nodded empathetically.
"Why am I working so hard to stop again? The thought of battling these ever present thoughts for the rest of my life sounds beyond exhausting. I don't want to do that!"
"I hear you. I know it seems rather daunting right now, doesn't it?"
Harry nodded.
"One thing about Marlene and so many other adults who struggled with self-harm when they were younger is that the mental battle isn't as strong as the one you have right now. It slowly, sometimes at a glacier pace, becomes less of a need and more of an annoying intrusive thought that can be pushed away. For Marlene, her thoughts got worse for a specific reason."
"Yeah, she told me it was the anniversary of a traumatic Auror mission."
"Yes, that is what happened." Remus said. "However, some adults struggle with self- harm as much as you do. For some it started when they were young and for others it started as they became an adult or well into their adulthood years. It's different for anyone. That doesn't mean there is no hope for you, or for anyone struggling with this. Remission and recovery is possible. It takes a lot of hard work, but it is so worth it. Believe me."
"I don't want to deal with this forever. It's so heavy and all- encompassing."
Remus nodded again. "I know, Harry. I was once there, too, as you know. It gets better. Don't let a relapse cloud the fact that so many do recover. As you know, however, you have to want to stop. You can bring a hippogriff to water, but you can't make it drink."
Harry took a deep breath. "You're right. It seems less scary now. I don't want to get into the whole stopping thing right now because I think it's too much for me this morning, but I'll keep thinking on it."
"Whatever works for you, Harry. I'm always here. Now, what happened at dinner?"
"I was having those thoughts and also the thoughts of hurting myself were starting to sneak in. I don't know. I was closed off. I didn't want to talk then. I went to the place I went to. I knew I needed help, but, y'know."
"You were stubborn, really?" Remus mock gasped.
Harry rolled his eyes again. "Anyway, I started to have a panic attack I think, or I was at least close to one. Your office was the only place I could think of and the closest. It smelled like you and I was able to relax and fall asleep. I swear I didn't touch anything!"
"I know you didn't. I have alarms on my file cabinets and notes in case anyone tries to break in."
Harry nodded.
"How are the thoughts now?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged. "They're better, but still there."
"I see. How can I best support you right now?"
Harry shrugged again.
Remus allowed the silence for a moment before saying, "Do you want to keep talking, do you want a distraction, or do you want to just physically be around someone right now?"
"The last one. I'm still pretty tired."
"I'm sure. Let's go back to our quarters. There's more space there and I'm sure Dadfoot will be happy to see you and know you're safe."
Remus started to stand up, but Harry didn't move.
"Cub?" Remus asked, sitting back down. "What is it?"
"Is Dadfoot going to be mad at me? Am I going to be punished?"
Remus was reminded of a much younger Harry, terrified of any negative consequences.
"No, you're not in trouble. You had a difficult situation and did the best you could. We talked, and that's enough."
Harry nodded, keeping his gaze on the ground.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked softly.
Harry shook his head.
Remus looked at Harry for a long moment, trying to decide what to do.
"Alright. We can talk about it later then, yeah?"
"Okay," Harry replied quietly.
"Ready to go?"
Harry nodded again. He felt better, but still felt a little nervous. Dadfoot could be a lot and he wasn't feeling like he could handle that right now. A small part of his brain reminded him that Sirius had been educated on trauma as well and knows how to handle many situations, but that part of his brain wasn't winning.
Remus quietly walked back with Harry to the Marauder Quarters. Remus opened the door once they got there and led Harry in.
Harry wrapped his arms around himself and hid behind Remus some.
Sirius was in his room when he heard the door open. When he walked out, he saw Remus and Harry.
Sirius immediately noticed Harry's body language and demeanor. He took a few steps toward them before he knelt on the ground. "Hey, Pup. I'm so glad you're back, safe and sound," Sirius said in a soft voice.
Harry was taken aback at the tone Sirius used. He stepped out from behind Remus.
Sirius gave Harry a warm smile.
"How can I help?" Sirius asked kindly.
Harry shrugged again. Talking was becoming harder for him. He felt himself shutting down due to his exhaustion and the conversation he had with Remus. It was a good conversation, but it left Harry feeling emotionally drained.
"Harry told me that he doesn't really want to talk right now and doesn't want a distraction. He wants to physically be around someone, but not necessarily interacting," Remus explained.
"We can do that."
Harry knew it was a school day and he didn't want his parents to miss their jobs. He squirmed uncomfortable and shifted the weight between his feet.
"What is it, Harry?" Remus asked, noticing it.
Again, words felt hard for Harry, but he didn't want to let them know that.
Of course, Remus and Sirius were both picking up on that fact as they watched Harry try to reply.
"You both have work. I'll be okay," Harry managed to say.
"We're both going to work. We're also going to be with you. Right now, Sirius is going to be with you while I get ready for the day. How does that sound?"
Harry nodded, as that was all he could do to reply.
"Splendid. I'll just be getting ready. Come get me if you need me."
Harry and Sirius nodded.
Remus bent down to kiss the top of Harry's head and walked over to kiss Sirius.
Remus and Sirius talked in hushed tones for a moment or two as Harry stood there. He knew that they were probably talking about him, but he didn't have enough energy to care.
When they broke apart, Sirius stood up and looked at Harry. "Where would you like to be, Pup?"
Harry led Sirius to his bedroom and got into his bed.
Sirius popped into Padfoot and curled up near Harry.
A small smile made his way onto Harry's face as he petted the dog. Maybe things would be okay. Maybe.