Chapter Text
So maybe Nat had been right. Maybe, Lottie had gotten home after their miserable failure of an away game and looked at the side effects. And maybe she’d realised that not only were most of the known side effects terrifying - but mostly the outcomes were unknown. So, like any sane person, she did try to stop taking them. For a couple of days. She spent them all crying and frustrated because her brain was so out of her control, and her body was even less so. Then Louella had seen her stuffing the pill in her pocket at breakfast and threatened to call her parents - at that point Lottie didn’t care to fight for it anymore, so she took the pill and finally felt big.
Big - sure. Lottie felt like the seventeen year old she was. Was she constantly lightheaded and exhausted? Yes, but it was worth it to be able to go to training without worrying she’d regress on the field. She was worrying though, and trying to focus on anything else. How tight her cleats were, how Nat had gotten closer with Van over the last few weeks, how absolutely ridiculous it was that Jackie had made them train in the middle of their off season. “Good work today guys, I’ll see you all on Monday,” Jackie cheered (the only one who seemed happy about an impromptu Saturday scrimmage). A mix of groans and Laura Lee’s polite claps filled the small bleachers where everyone was hastily untying their cleats. They weren’t exactly allowed to use the change rooms over the weekend since it had been hard enough to convince Coach Martinez to let them use the field, so they had to make do with what they had and stay in their sweaty uniforms until they got home.
“See you then Coach,” Nat called out, clapping Jackie on the back as she walked off. There was a soft air of sarcasm that you could only really note if you knew Nat. It made Lottie’s chest ache a bit, she missed that. Nat slung her bag over her shoulder as she walked off towards the carpark - Lottie couldn’t help but let her eyes trail after Nat. It was the guilt, she told herself, for snapping at Nat back at the last game. She’d been so cruel and regretted it daily - that was why she couldn’t stop thinking about Natalie, of course. Everyone else began to scatter off and Lottie stumbled to keep up.
“Hey Lot?” Jackie urged, grabbing Lottie’s arm gently as she passed. Lottie cringed, her arm retracting involuntarily. Still, she turned to smile politely.. “Are you alright? You've seemed a little off recently and I wasn’t sure if your parents were home, or?”
“They aren't, but I’m all good. I promise, Jackie. Just haven't been sleeping too well.” Jackie nodded, earnestly. Despite how easy it was to make her the butt of a joke behind her back with how uptight and Princess-y she could be, Jackie did care and Lottie knew that.
“Well, you can always come around mine if you need it.” Months ago, Lottie would’ve taken her up on it. She’d have spent the whole weekend at Jackie’s reading trashy magazines and quizzing Shauna with flash cards. And everything at home would’ve felt a little less dauntingly lonely for a while. But it was too hard to be around them now, she was constantly worrying that she’d slip up and they'd know. So she just nodded curtly, like Jackie was no more than one of her father’s business associates. Jackie left for Shauna’s car and Lottie was left at the edge of the field feeling raw and as alone as ever for no real reason besides herself. Feeling as though she was lagging behind as everyone's cars began to pull away, Lottie headed straight towards hers. The plan was, earnestly, to get in her car, go home and sleep what was left of her weekend away. Her parents had stopped checking in to make sure she was staying in line, so Lottie really could, yet when she saw Nat leaning against Tai’s car with a soft trail of smoke drifting above her, those plans went out the window. Lottie eyed Nat for a moment too long, but Nat was watching her right back.
“Need a ride?” She called out from across the carpark. A courtesy between team mates and, maybe, if Lottie got a chance to clear her conscience and apologise to Nat she could stop fixating on her so much. Nat was caught off guard by the question, hesitating to respond.
“No it’s ok, Tai’s dropping me home.”
Lottie smirked - “you really want to wait around for her and Van?” It wasn’t common knowledge, but it also wasn’t a secret that Tai and Van were constantly disappearing off together after practice. Nat groaned, loud enough for Lottie to hear it from across the carpark, and looked around to see if Tai and Van would show up and be her saving grace. “I don’t mind driving you, really.” Lottie didn’t mention how she owed Nat massively, or how she’d beg on her knees to have five minutes of normalcy with who was once her only true friend. After a final glance around the carpark, Nat relented and jogged towards Lottie.
“Thanks. Those two are always having me third wheel anyway.” Lottie laughed - trying as hard as she could to sound natural and not like she was tingling with anxiety as she unlocked her car and slid into the driver's seat. It was silent for a long while, neither girl feeling brave enough to even turn the radio on. “Look, Lot, I’m sorry,” Nat finally broke - beating Lottie. “I shouldn't have pried.”
Lottie let her eyes pull from the road in confusion, “what? No- Nat, I’m sorry.” She was tempted to pull over because she thought she might cry, but Lottie only forced her eyes back to the road and took a deep breath. Crying was for babies. “I was so awful to you. And I really didn’t mean what I said. I’ve been beating myself up for it everyday. I know you were just looking out for me.”
“It’s ok, I mean it - I’m not butt hurt.” Lottie chuckled softly. “If you promise you’re being careful, let’s just call it even?”
“Yeah, ok. Deal.”
Lottie dropped Nat home, a renewed sense of calm washing over her as the guilt had finally eased. The deal was kind, and Lottie was being careful. She watched as Nat walked across the half dead grass towards her trailer and thought maybe she could spend forever just watching her.