Chapter Text
Tensions are high when we arrive back at the villa and it’s clear everyone’s mood has shifted from optimism to something resembling fear. The first few days of this trip everyone marveled at the view of Mount Etna, but now, the sight of flames and dark smoke spewing from its opening is an ominous reminder of what everyone has been referring to as ‘the curse’.
Minami pulls me aside asking to speak to me in private. We head out the open living room doors and across the patio towards the pool.
“So listen, I don’t think this wedding is happening,” she starts. “All flights are cancelled coming in and out of Catania. There’s no officiant. Rue doesn’t have a dress….”
She continues to rattle off all the roadblocks and I try to mentally solve each one.
“Minami,” I say, cutting her off midsentence. She has digressed and is now talking about how Rue and Eli should have just had the wedding back in Austin like she suggested. I need to reign her back in. “Slow down. Okay? I know it seems bad, but we can figure this out. Eli and Rue are figuring this out. I’ll speak to Eli and see what he needs from us to make this thing happen. Just relax.”
She gives me a small smile and a nod.
“You’re right, it’s just the hormones and…” A hand flies up to cover her mouth, stopping the words in their tracks.
“What?”
She continues to stare at me, wide-eyed, hand still covering her mouth.
“Are you pregnant again?”
Hand still over her mouth, eyes still wide, she nods. I pull her into a tight hug.
“Congratulations,” I say as she returns the hug.
We separate and I can see the same glow she had when she was pregnant with Kaede. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, but now it just seems so obvious.
“Thanks,” she replies wiping the tears from under her eyes.
“Why are you crying?”
“The hormones,” she says with a shrug. “I wanted to tell you and Eli together, but…It just keeps slipping out.”
I huff out a laugh and shake my head. “You were always terrible at keeping secrets.”
“I know. And it somehow has become worse with pregnancy.”
“I’m happy for you and Sul. It’ll be nice to see Kaede as a big sister.”
“Since the cat is already out of the bag,” she says taking a large inhale of breath before continuing. “I was going to wait to ask, will you be the Godfather? You’re so good with Kaede. I just thought that maybe you’d want to…”
“Of course, I could never say no to that.”
She sighs in relief. “Good. I already asked Maya to be the Godmother so I can check this one off my to-do list.”
“You asked Maya to be the Godmother?”
“Yeah, she loves Kaede and I just know she’s going to love this baby just the same…if not more.”
I laugh in response, but there is a sensation in me that I can’t quite identify. It’s almost comical that Minami has somehow managed to make Maya and I pseudo-parents.
Minami heads inside to find Sul while I make the trek inside to my room. It’s late, and nearly everyone has cleared out except for a few stragglers in the living room. I let Tamryn know I’m heading to bed and to come find me first thing in the morning so we can call Rupert.
It’s just after midnight when I hear a knock at the door. I don’t know how, but I just know it’s not Tamryn.
I open the door to find Maya in her thin strapped satin pajamas. She looks ready for a sleepover. Forcing me to fight the urge to grab her and pull her into bed. She smiles, like she can already read my mind.
Without hesitation or permission, she walks through the door, brushing past me. “When I arrived, and you brought my luggage upstairs…Did you choose the room that was the farthest away from yours for me?”
“You know I did.”
She takes a seat on the windowsill crossing one leg over the other causing her shorts to ride up just the slightest bit. It makes my pulse race and I will it to calm down.
“A valiant effort,” she says with a smirk.
“If ultimately useless.”
I close the door and make my way to the center of the room, halfway to her. I have to stop myself before I get too close.
“Maya, it’s been a long day.” Hard to believe that the cave was just this morning. It feels like I have lived a week in the last eighteen hours.
“Agreed.”
“I’m tired. Not at my best.”
“That’s fine. I’m sure that Conor Harkness’s not best in bed is still better than most guys’ superlatives.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“No? What do you mean?”
“It’s not a good idea. Us, alone. It’s difficult for me to control myself.”
She shrugs, nonchalantly. Like what I have just said is completely meaningless to her. Her hair bounces with the movement and I swallow. I love the way it touches down to her waiste. The way the wind always blows it in her face and she gets frustrated by it. I have never told her how much I love her hair, but something tells me she’s wearing it down intentionally.
“Is that why you’ve been visibly turned on since I entered the room?”
I take a sharp inhale and swear under my breath.
“I don’t mind. I mean, it’s not like you can hide it.”
“Maya,“ I say, hoping it comes out as a warning, but I can hear in my voice how unconvincing it sounds.
“I’m tired, too. Let’s just sleep. Can I stay here?”
Yes. “You don’t want to be anywhere near me.”
“Why?”
“Because, Maya, I just got off a phone call with Tamryn’s lawyer and ‘m going to have to tell her that my shithead siblings refused the settlement offer, again, because my closest friend’s wedding is a shitshow, and because none of my fucking quants have given me a satisfactory response on a fucking simple question that –“
She’s off the windowsill, moving towards me as she says, “It’s okay.”
Her arms wrap around my neck and I can feel her nipples brush against my chest through the satin of her top. She kisses the corner of my jaw and the skin tingles at the contact. My cock twitches with want and I have to stop myself from digging my fingers into her hips. Lifting her up and carrying her to bed. The scene plays out perfectly in my mind, but we don’t move.
“Rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She turns away and makes for the door.
I can’t bear to watch her leave. I take two quick strides and grab her wrist before she can make it to the door. It’s the wrong thing to do, but I don’t want her to go.
“I thought you wanted me to leave?”
I can feel the muscles in my jaw flex as my it clenches. “Where are you going?”
“Mount Etna, I was thinking. Heard it’s lovely there, this time of the year. Come on, Conor, I’m going to my room. Where do you think I…” She pauses for a moment before finishing. “I won’t call up the guy.”
That wasn’t my concern. I grit my teeth at the thought though.
“I told you; I have no interest in…” She shakes her head. “Listen, I thought you’d just spent the afternoon making sweet life-affirming love to Avery. And then you were trying to tell me what I couldn’t do, and…I just wanted to get a reaction from you. Not-Hans is here on vacation with his girlfriend. He just pretended to flirt with me.”
“He didn’t.” I saw the way he looked at her. It infuriates me to think about it.
“Pretty sure. I was there.”
“Maya, he wasn’t pretending. I guarantee you that every boy your fucking age wants you. Men my age want you. Wherever you go, every-fucking-body is looking at you.”
Her eyes widen and she lets out a laugh. “Say they do? I don’t care. Not-Hans is not my type. He’s at least two decades away from a colonoscopy.”
I glare at her for the insult.
“Don’t be bitter, Conor. You still have all your natural hair.” She pats my hand that is still wrapped around her wrist, keeping her here with me. She glances down at it, waiting for me to release. But I don’t.
“I thought you were tired? And that you didn’t want me here?”
I don’t immediately respond. She looks at me curiously, waiting to hear what I have to say.
“It’s funny. Ten months ago, you tried to eject me from your life, but you never once managed to say that you didn’t want me. And tonight…All you need to say is that your days have been better without me in them, and that I should leave you alone. And I will never bother you again.”
I release my grip on her hand. “Some lies are too big. Even for me.”
“Then stop being so terrified of me –“
“I’m not afraid of you. I am afraid of myself, and of the person I become when I’m around you.”
I take a step closer to her, looking down into those blue eyes. Relentless and demanding answers to all the questions that have gone unasked between us. I debate whether or not I want to do this. Whether or not I want to admit to her what terrifies me the most. I almost don’t do it, but I realize she’s right, I need to stop being so afraid. So, I admit it. I speak the words into existence and say, “I have never wanted anything as desperately, as ungovernably, as persistently as I want you. Not a single goddamn thing. Not my dead mother back. Not revenge. Not the well-being of the people I love. Not professional success, not even my own happiness. Absolutely nothing has consumed me as mercilessly as you have.”
I think she has known it all along. But the way her eyes search mine, the swallow in her throat. She’s caught off guard, but I see the moment things shift from shock to anger.
“So ten months ago you pushed me away, and never thought of me again.”
“Is that what you think? That ten months ago I woke up, had a difficult conversation, ripped the Band-Aid off, and spent the rest of my life reaping the fruits of my bravery?”
I lean into her further, my hand coming up to grip her bicep. My lips brush against the shell of her ear because I can’t bear to look her in the eyes as I say, “For ten months, day after day, I woke up and fought my most base instinct, which was to call you – no, to come to you. Every day since that phone call, I spent remaking the choice to free you of my presence in your life, so that you could have a better one. Make no mistake, Maya: we may not have spoken or seen each other, but for the last ten months my relationship with you was the most labor-intensive and all-encompassing presence in my life.”
The number of times I thought about flying to Switzerland is unfathomable. I would live for that split second in the morning when I would first wake up. And I would think, for the briefest of moments, that she was still a constant in my life. That I would spend the evening speaking to her on the phone for hours. Procrastinating on sleep just to hear about her day. But it never lasted. Realization would hit and I would be reminded that she wasn’t in my life anymore. And I would feel it all over again. It was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, something akin to dread.
Sometimes I would be lucky enough to see her in my dreams. But it was never enough. Those mornings were the hardest of them all. To wake from a place where she exists only to find the other side of the bed empty and cold.
She’s still angry with me. At my admission of how much I have wanted her. And so, she presses on. “I told you that I loved you, and you said…You said that it would pass.”
She pulls back to look me in the eyes.
“I did,” I say with a nod.
“And how did that work out for you?”
I try my best not to smile at the question. “I said that it would pass for you, Maya. I was never under the illusion that it would so much as fade, for me. And I was prepared for it. I still am.”
She lets out a gasp. I don’t think she was anticipating that part. Not after everything I just said. But I remain vigilant in my belief that she is better off without me. Even though I am worse off without her.
“Why?” she asks. “I’m standing in front of you, telling you that for me the last ten months never even happened –“
“Maybe it just wasn’t long enough. And you need more time.”
I can see the anger bubbling inside her. Her frustration with me mounting.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“It would be best if –“
“Not the question I –“
“No, Maya. I never want you to be anywhere but with me.”
She rests her hand on my chest, slowly dragging it down my torso until her fingers hook around the elastic of my waistband. Her message is clear. I swallow at the implication and feel my cock twitch with how close her hand is.
I take her face in my hands. “If you stay…You’re in charge.”
It’s the permission she needs to keep going and I don’t have the will to stop her.
“Are you one of those CEOs who enjoy doing their dominatrix’s laundry?”
“Would that be an issue?”
“No. It might be fun.”
“I’m happy to help with your laundry, but…” My thumbs rub against her flushed cheeks. “I need you to decide, because nothing has changed. You’re still younger and less experienced, and –“
My hands drop from her face, giving her the option to stay or walk away. She wastes no time grabbing my hand and leading me to the small velvet couch that sits on the opposite wall from my bed. Her hands reach up to my shoulders, pushing me down to a sitting position.
I watch as she undresses. First her top. Button by button like she’s moving in slow motion. This feels like a dream. With every flick of her fingers more skin is revealed until the satin pajama top is falling over her shoulders. Her thumbs hook into the waist band of her shorts and push them slowly down her long legs. When she stands, I get a glimpse of the sheer pink underwear she has on and I momentarily forget how to breath.
It's obvious she notices and makes a decision to leave the underwear on.
“Feel free to tell me how pretty I am,” she says, as she takes two long strides over to me.
My brain is doing somersaults. The words unable to reach my mouth. I want to touch her so badly it hurts. Run my hands along her bare back. Sink my teeth into her thighs. I have been starving for ten months, and here she is, offering herself to me. But this is not about me, so instead of grabbing her by the ass and throwing her onto the bed, I let her take the lead.
I let her set the pace as she climbs on top of me. My entire body pulled taught willing myself not to lose it like a feral animal. I have never seen her this naked. It’s better than any fantasy I have ever had about her.
Her hands find my upper shoulders and use them as support as she leans down and licks the space where my neck meets my shoulder.
“Do you think about me?” she whispers. “When you are doing this with other people?”
“No,” I say without elaborating.
When she bites me, I know she doesn’t like that response. I don’t like it either. So I clarify, “I don’t do this with other people. Not since Edinburgh.”
It’s not a truth I care to admit to, but it is the truth. She pulls back, eyes darting around my face in search of an answer. I don’t give her anymore and instead run my fingers through her hair.
“Avery?” she asks.
I shake my head. I cup her cheek, thumb brushing against across the bone. “You were always there.”
“Where?”
“In my mind.”
We don’t break eye contact. I watch the rise and fall of her chest as she takes in a sharp inhale.
“Since the first day I met you, you have been the best thing in my life. And you weren’t even in it.”
She closes her eyes at the admission. “What a romantic way to say that you think about me when you masturbate,” she says with a small smile.
“Maya,” I say, my head resting against the top of the sofa.
“Really? That’s the line, Conor?”
“It’s the Catholic guilt.”
Her smile is wide and mischievous. “You do think about me then?”
“I try not to.”
“Does it work?”
I laugh. “Not once.”
“Aww,” she says with a pout. My thumb brushes against her protruding lower lip. “I’m sorry.”
Another laugh escapes me. “No, you aren’t”
She leans back, palms resting on my knees. She’s on display for me and it takes every ounce of energy not to stare. I can feel her ass as it settles on my thighs and it feels so good. Again, I have to remind myself to breath.
“Tell me about these fantasies of yours.”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Oh, I do.”
I swallow and consider this. Every fantasy I’ve ever had flashes through my mind in rapid succession. Like shuffling a deck of cards. Each one similar, but always slightly different. I try to pick my favorite one.
“I don’t know that you would find it particularly sexy.”
“Try me. Are we in a church? Do I have tentacles?”
I can’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness. Even like this, naked in my lap, she can’t help but make jokes. Normally that would make me uncomfortable, but with Maya, I like it.
“Do you want tentacles, Trouble? I can give them to you next time.”
“Maybe. Are we tickling each other? Turning into werewolves?”
“It’s embarrassing, Maya.” I feel myself flushing at the idea. of putting into words, the thoughts that have consumed me for three years.
“You don’t have to tell me. But if you do, I might be able to make it come true.”
I huff out a laugh and shake my head. Because she can’t make it come true. It’s not that simple. But I make the decision to tell her anyway.
“I come home from work –“
“Stop. Too unrealistic.”
I give her thigh a light pinch as punishment for interrupting me.
“I come home from work, and you’re there. At the table. Doing whatever it is that you do. Studying. Equations. Reading a novel. I have no idea.”
“At least you don’t think I split atoms for a living.”
“You’re just doing your thing. The same stuff I’ve seen you do countless times in Eli’s kitchen.”
“But I’m naked?”
“No, you’re just…It’s my house. You’re in my house. And your stuff is around the place, scattered everywhere. Like you live there.”
“You’d never be able to get it up in the presence of clutter.”
I watch her bounce lightly on my lap from my laughter. She knows me too damn well. Ordinarily, that would be a true statement, but the presence of Maya’s clutter has the opposite effect.
Putting these thoughts into words is having a profound impact on me. I’m painfully hard and she knows it.
“And then,” she asks with a whisper.
“And then, you look up, and smile. Come to me. Welcome me home.”
I pause for a second, collecting my thoughts. It’s difficult to get through this. I want her, desperately. But I can’t have her.
“And…” she prompts after a few seconds of silence. Impatient to hear the end.
“I kiss you, and you kiss me back. And I close my arms around you, because I can. And you’re warm, and you like it, what I’m doing to you. I press you against the table and you’re soft under me and…”
I let out a deep, long exhale. I reach down and grip myself. Taking the opportunity to catch my breath.
“What happens next?”
“I’m usually finished before it escalates. Most times, really. But If I play it further, usually I take you to my room, and –“
“Conor. Are you saying that the peak of your erotic fantasies is doing it in a bed?”
My eyes are laser focused on hers as my fingertips trail up and down her bare thighs. I love the way her skin feels. Every single part of her is beautiful. A perfect compilation of atoms that have come together to create the most incredible person I have ever met.
“In the fantasy, you’re my girlfriend. My…More than that, maybe. I figured out a way to have you and also set you free. And you are –“
For the first time, I break eye contact with her. I just can’t look at her when I say this part. It’s the only thing that stands between us. “I’m not afraid to hurt you. You are mine, and used to me touching you. You welcome it. It’s…we have a life, Maya. That’s ours.”
I look back at her as she starts to speak. “That sounds like a highly problematic fantasy. Am I older, in it? I don’t have the tragic past that makes me highly susceptible to the undue influence of father figures?”
My hand grips her hip. “You’re not. You’re just you.”
“It’s you that’s different, then. You have found a way to give me the world, and take me, too.”
I nod and out of the corner of my eye see the glow of my phone in the darkness. I flip it over. She has my undivided attention. Whoever it is, whatever it is, can wait.
My hand finds her rib cage, hovering. Hesitant to touch her without permission. I’m afraid to take anything for myself. This is about her. “You may,” she says and I take the opportunity to rub her nipple with my thumb. The pebbling of her nipple beneath my touch has my brain short circuiting.
She leans into me. Her face buried in the space where my neck meets my shoulder. I can feel the warmth of her breath on my skin when she whispers, “Do you want to know my fantasy?”
“That feels like a trick question.”
“It’s odd. It hasn’t exactly been my thing. Alfie used to complain that I didn’t do it enough. But I think about going down on you all the time.”
I nearly come from the admission alone. The thought of her full lips around my cock has me squirming. My fingers tighten around her ribcage as I swear under my breath.
“Conor,” she continues. “I just know that you would look so pretty, coming several inches down my throat, and –“
“You need to fucking –“ The hand on her hip clenches so tightly. I’m afraid I may hurt her. “You need to stop. Please.” I can’t take it. There is a tightness in my chest. It coils inside me, demanding me to take what I want. But I somehow resist.
She lightly kisses my cheek. “How long do you think you’d last?”
My other hand finds her other hip and I grip her so tightly, forcing her down onto me. I need to feel her on me. There are several layers of fabric between us, but the contact is enough to settle my ragged breathing and the rapid beat of my heart.
She pulls back to look at me as her hand reaches down beneath the waist band of my sweats. We stare at each other, our breathing in sync as our chests rise and fall together. She pushes her underwear to the side with her free hands and guides my cock to her.
Just the tip rubs against her names comes out with a groan.
“Okay?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
She repositions herself so we are perfectly aligned.
“I’ve never had sex without a condom,” she admits.
“Me neither.”
“Would you like me to use one?”
I smile, thinking back to some of the other fantasies. “No, Maya.”
“No condom in your fantasies? Am I on birth control?”
“It’s…Neither.” I pray she doesn’t press further. Concerned with the reaction of admitting to her what I have thought about an inappropriate number of times.
She doesn’t waste any time. Instead lowering herself onto me. It’s fast and, I imagine, somewhat painful just by how tight she is. My hands slip beneath her panties, gripping her ass to keep her from sinking down lower.
“Jesus – slow. Slow the fuck down, or you’re going to –“
“I like it w-hen –“ her words are clipped as her breathing comes out choppy. “I like it when it hurts a bit. And I am in charge.”
My fingertips dig into her as she continues her descent. “Fucking incredible.”
She bounces on top of me. Only about half of me inside of her. I can’t stop looking at her. The flush that has spread from her cheeks, down her neck and onto her chest. The way her tits bounce as she moves. I keep reminding myself that this is real. All the times I thought about this never did I imagine it actually happening.
It takes every ounce of strength not to take control of this situation and fuck her in every position I have always wanted her in. I want to push her up against the wall, bend her over the dresser. I feel manic as desire floods me.
If you asked me a week ago if I thought I would find myself in this situation I would have laughed. But Maya knows how to beat me at my own game. She has known for years. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t relish in her ability to exploit my weaknesses.
“Do you want me to stop?” she asks, still moving on top of me. I don’t respond, but the answer is no. When she lifts herself up, I get a glimpse of how wet she is. I grip her waist, forcing her back down.
“How do you even exist?”
Her arms cross around the back of my neck, pulling us closer. I find the wall mirror over Maya’s right shoulder and watch as she moves on me. The way her hips roll with every downstroke. My hands travel to her back feeling the dampness of her skin. I pull her closer to me, feeling her nipples brush against my chest.
She notices me staring. “You like it?”
“Fuck.”
She places another soft kiss on my cheek. “It’s okay. I know you do. This is the most full I’ve ever been. And you have seen my dildos. Remember?”
“Christ. I remember. I fucking remember.”
“Yeah?”
“Afterward, I told myself that it was a good thing. That maybe you enjoyed…that you’d be able to take me easier.”
Her grips on me tightens. The feel of her skin against my own is erotic.
“Does anyone?” she asks, choppy and out of breath.
“What?”
“Take you easily.”
I shake my head.
“Good. I’ll be the one.”
“Maya, you already are.” In so many ways, she is the one.
She lets out a fierce groan. Her back arching as her nails dig into the skin of my shoulders. Pleasure washes over her and it takes a few seconds for her to come back down from this high. It takes everything in me to resist chasing my own release. I clench my teeth and push through.
My hands rest on her hips, steadying her as she settles. “The hardest part of the last three years, was knowing exactly what you look like when you come.”
She grins, the corners of her mouth pulling up just enough. “You like making me come, don’t you?”
“I like everything about you.”
She clenches around me, as if she couldn’t get any tighter. “I just want to return the favor, Conor. Is it too much to ask? Let me give you this.”
But that’s the issue, isn’t it? Me taking was not part of the deal. It skews the whole agreement. It will never be a game of equals, the least I can do is keep the scale tipped in her favor.
I shake my head and grip her waist tight. “Harder.”
“What?”
“I can make you come harder than you already have.”
“I don’t think that’s possible. And we agreed that I am the one in charge. You said you’d do what I tell you –“
“Tell me, then. Tell me to pull out and curl my fingers inside you and eat you out until you pass out from it.”
She cups the side of my face.
“No. I already –“
“I don’t fucking care. Tell me.”
I’m at her mercy. Whatever she asks for I’ll give it. As long as I keep my happiness out of the equation.
“No,” she says so matter of fact, like there is no changing her mind.
I grunt in frustration, not backing down from this. I need to give her more to keep myself from taking.
“Then ask me to go deeper.”
“What?”
“Tell me to get inside you even deeper.”
“I don’t think that’s possible –“
Oh, but it is.
“Tell me to go fucking deeper, Maya.” I’m all but pleading at this point. It’s pathetic, and I should be embarrassed. But, I’m not. Not when it comes to Maya.
I don’t wait for her to respond and instead grip her hips tightly. Pushing her further down onto me. Adjusting myself to an angle that lets her slide down a bit easier.
“Fuck,” she says, breathless.
“Tell me to move you. Tell me to show you how to use my cock to make yourself come.”
“Show m-me. Please.”
I guide her hips up and down, making adjustments as necessary until I find the right rhythm. She was using me for simple stimulation, but I know her. I know exactly how to make her come. And she does, again.
“This might be the only decent thing I’ve done in my whole life. The one thing I’m good for.”
“W-what is?”
“Making you come.”
I shift her in my lap and she’s coming again. Every time it gets more beautiful.
She leans forward, resting her head on my shoulder as she attempts to steady her rapid breathing. My entire body shakes. Every nerve ending completely burnt from restraint. I take a deep inhale and lavish in the scent of her. The smell of her shampoo mixing with the salt air. It’s intoxicating.
She turns her head slightly, lips brushing against the shell of my ear when she asks, “what would you do? If you weren’t afraid to lose control?”
I shake my head. I would want it all. “I would want you under me. I would pin you down. I would lock you in a room and not let anyone look at you, ever. I would…” I stop before I take this too far.
“Whatever it is, it won’t shock me.”
“It will.”
My fingers release her hips and drift over to her clit. I’m trying to distract her, but she won’t let up.
“T-try me.”
“It’ll terrify you.” I know it will, because for a while, it terrified me too.
“It won’t.”
I swallow, buying myself time before I admit it. “I would put a baby in you.”
Her back arches as she comes again. Her arms around my neck tightening for balance. My hands are on her back offering support. I pull her to me and graze the side of her breast with my teeth before taking her nipple in my mouth. I suck, hard, indulging in the taste of her.
When I pull back, she’s looking at me. Her skin is flushed, a bead of sweat drips down between her breasts. She looks completely wrecked in the best way possible.
“You’re not going to let yourself come, are you?”
I shake my head.
She climbs off me quickly, moving cautiously towards the bathroom. I let my head fall back against the sofa and try to take deep, calming breaths. My entire body shakes and it’s somewhat difficult to breath, but eventually I even out.
When my phone rings, I answer it. Thankful for a distraction from what just happened. It’s Rupert again. He quickly details that my brother’s plan is falling apart. They have begun to argue amongst themselves over who will get what they take from Tamryn. It seems they are not in agreement. I can’t even think about this right now. My body is still buzzing from what just happened. He’s explaining our next steps when Maya emerges from the bathroom.
Maya positions herself on her knees in front of me. A clean, wet washcloth in her hand.
“I have to go,” I tell him and hang up quickly.
When she makes a move to clean me up, I grab her wrist in my hand. “No.”
“Really? What are you going to do with that, Conor?” she asks, pointing to my erection.
I pull up my sweats as Maya stands up, washcloth discarded on the floor. It’s at that point I notice the scrunchie on her wrist. The lavender and white plaid scrunchie from Edinburgh. I forgot it was in my toiletry bag, she must have found it.
“I meant to…return it,” I say. Trying to make it sound as though I simply found this hair accessory and didn’t steal it from the bathroom after our night in Scotland.
She scoffs. “Thank you for watching over my fifty-cent hair tie for the last three years.”
“Is that how much one costs?”
Her eyes are like fire, burning into me. “How interesting. Someone who can list every single factor that led to the 1987 Black Monday crash has no idea about the cost of a scrunchie,” she says, furious.
I know she’s angry with me, but she has to understand.
“No need to involve Alan Greenspan…You know why I kept it.”
Her fists clench at her sides. Clearly that wasn’t the right thing to say. I watch as she uses the scrunchie to tie her hair up. She’s still completely naked and at this point, I don’t keep myself from staring.
She doesn’t say anything else as she bends down to retrieve her clothes from the tile floor. When she stands back up, I notice tears welling in her eyes. I stand, quickly closing the space between us and wrapping a hand around her upper arm.
“Hey,” I say, willing her to look at me. When she does my heart hurts at the sight. She’s crying. I feel completely panicked because this is my fault. “Did I hurt you?”
She laughs at this before pulling herself free and slipping on her shorts. “You know, Conor, I’ve never had sex this good.”
I should feel triumphant, but instead I feel like complete shit. “I…I don’t think anyone has Maya.”
“How nice of you to say, when you didn’t even get an orgasm out of it.” She wipes away the tears with the backs of her hands before slipping on her top.
“I don’t need to –“
“You don’t need anyone, or anything, do you? That’s smart. And I am a fucking idiot. For the last three years, I thought that there was a key to solving you. That If I learned the right steps, if I performed the right way, you’d stop lying to both of us an accept what we already were. But now…” she laughs, but it’s not amusement. It’s anger and frustration. I’ve never seen her like this before. “You just admitted to jerking off to Little House on the fucking Prairie fantasies with me. You held on to a keepsake for three years. And I…I could probably force you to acknowledge that you’re in love with me, but…” She throws her arms wide. “It means nothing. It doesn’t matter how much you love me, because in your head I’ll always be too young and stupid –“
“Not stupid –“
“- to know my own feelings. You will never stop seeing me as a little girl who wants you because of some misplaced daddy issues. Guess what, Conor? I’m not yours to set free! I am free, and I have chosen you freely over and over again. But you hate yourself too much to allow that. Deep down, you don’t believe that you are worthy of love, and you are so terrified of having me and hurting me, that you would rather spend the rest of your life giving me things I never asked for just, just to keep me at a distance. I don’t need you to make me come five times. I don’t need you to build my furniture. I don’t need you to vet all the physicists-turned-quants at Harkness, find the one that’s safest and most eligible, and send him my way. I don’t need fucking grand gestures, and I don’t need you to manage me like I’m one of your assets, Conor. I just need you to…”
Tears are running down her face, but I don’t move to comfort her. Rage is swelling inside of me. Over the last three years she has always treaded lightly on this topic. She has never questioned any of it. But she’s had enough, I can see it in the anger that shines in her eyes, the tears streaming down her face.
All these years I thought I was protecting her. Keeping her safe from someone like me. But in reality, I was hurting her more than I could have ever imagined.
She inhales deeply, trying hard to gather herself and hold back her tears. “All I ever wanted was to love you and make you happy. All I ever asked was that you try to do the same. I was willing to be patient, and kind, and figure it all out together. But you…” She shakes her head, wiping the last remnants of tears before she turns and leaves. She’s done wasting her breath on me.
I watch as she closes the door behind her. My hand is around the neck of the table lamp so fast I don’t even realize what has happened until the remnants of the antique lay in a shattered mess on the floor.
The door flies back open, and for a split second I imagine it’s Maya.
“What the fuck, Conor!” Tamryn shouts.