Chapter Text
Rather than chose your path based on the sins you bear,
you must bear your sins along the path that you’ve chosen.
It was not long after Al had left when Ed was finally able to make sense of the research his brother had sent him.
As he expected, there was a reason why this knowledge, despite being so old, had never become common among alchemists. The reason for that most likely was in the impossibility to use this widely — the ability to use someone else’s Gate depended not only on the skill of the alchemist performing such alchemy, but on whether the person whose Gate said alchemist was trying to use would allow them to do that.
It didn’t really come as a surprise to Ed — alchemists had a very precise control over their own Gates, otherwise they would not be able to activate even the simplest array. Gate was the heart and the soul of an alchemist, Ed knew that too well. Preserving it, pushing away any attempts to reach the Gate from the outside was a reflex, and allowing someone an access to it was not something one could have full conscious control over, as well as suppressing it also was not a simple task. Technically it was possible, but in any scenario this would always be a decision of an alchemist providing the access.
And an absolute, blind trust to the one who was attempting to reach and then use their Gate was a key here.
And this was where the problem was — Ed could not imagine someone trusting him to this point. So in other words — this alchemy was nearly impossible for him.
Ed’s tiny hope vanished, being sucked in the hurting emptiness inside his soul. He should have felt disappointed, but he felt nothing — throughout the years living without his Gate he had accepted the inevitability of never getting his alchemy back.
But he knew he should at least try.
~
“Why didn’t it work? It should, I’m sure I did everything right...”
Al was his obvious choice, the first and the last one — if it was not going to work with him, then it would not work with anyone else anyway. Thankfully Ed didn’t have to wait long to see his brother again — it was Maes’s birthday and both Al and Mei came with a visit to Rush Valley. Ed managed to take a Monday off at work and was planning to spend these days with his family. He dragged Al in his study as soon as they were in the house, closed the door behind them and told his brother about the progress he made with the research.
Al suggested to try it instantly.
It didn’t work.
“No, brother, it is not you, I’m sorry, I just… Let’s try again.”
“I mean you are my brother, I was sure…”
“No, no, I trust you, of course, Ed. It’s just… I’m sorry. When you did that, I felt this pull and it felt how it was those times when… When Truth was dragging me there… It’s… Let’s try again.”
Ed shook his head, getting up from the couch.
“No, Al, no, I should've known it would be like that,” he said as he started pacing the small room. “I don’t want to do this to you, I’m sorry, Al…”
“I’m sorry too, brother… Maybe…” Al mumbled, looking up at Ed, but then waved his habd dismissively. “No, forget it.”
“What, Al?”
“Are you and the General still…”
“Al, please…”
“No, brother, I am not asking this to judge you! I thought that if you are still… seeing each other, perhaps you can try this with him?”
Ed stopped.
“No, Al, I told you, there should be an absolute trust to be able to do this,” he explained. “I am not sure if it’s even possible… See, it didn’t even work with you.”
“I’m sorry, brother, you know that I trust you, I just can’t…”
“No, Al, stop apologizing, it’s ok.”
“But it won’t hurt to try it with the General?” Al asked with a soft apologetic smile. “I’m sure he trusts you.”
“No, Al, it is not like that.” Not from his side anyway . “It’s…” Ed trailed off but then made himself say this, giving voice to his doubts. “It’s just a physical thing. God, I can’t believe I am telling you that.”
“Brother, I do hope you think of the General better than that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean he doesn’t strike me as person who would let you make your own life so complicated if it was only about sex for him, brother. You should try this array with him,” Al insisted.
“He wouldn’t let me. Why should he?”
“Well then you’ll have your answer in any case.”
“What answer, Al, I didn’t ask any questions.” I don’t want to know the answer.
Al stood up and walked to Ed, taking one of his hands in his.
“This array basically gives you an access to the most sacred place of an alchemist’s soul. If he lets you, you will know it is more than just sex for him,” he said softly. “You know, giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to―”
“Stop, Al! Why are you even telling me this? How can you be ok with this?”
“Well, I was the one who sent you this research, so I…”
“No, Al!” Ed pulled his hand from his brother’s grasp and took a step back. “Why are you talking about me and the General like it’s ok?! Why aren’t you telling me what a bad person I am for doing this, doing this to Winry?! I have a wife, children and I… And you… But you haven’t said a single bad word either about me or Roy!”
“Brother, you are not a child and I am not your parent, I can’t tell you what to do, you make your own decisions, you know better than anyone what you want. Besides, what do you want me to say? I know it must be really hard for you, but whatever is happening, whatever is going to happen — it is your responsibility. I’m sorry, brother.”
“You are just leaving me alone in this!”
“No, I’m not, brother! How can you say that?! I am here to support you and see that you don’t do anything reckless.”
“So sleeping with the man fourteen years older than me behind my wife’s back is not reckless enough?!”
“Shh, Ed! Reckless is raising your voice saying this when Winry is in another room! And what do you want me to say, brother? You want me to tell you how bad you are? What difference would it make? I think you are already doing a good job blaming yourself without me helping you with it.”
“What about Roy then?” Ed asked.
“What about him?” Al blinked at him with confusion.
“I was sure you’d want to kick his ass or something.”
“For what? It’s not like he forced you into that.” Al shook his head and stepped back tk the couch, sitting down. “I’m sorry, brother, but I respect you both enough to understand that neither would he force you to do anything you don’t want to, nor would you allow him to do that. And I’m not your guardian, Ed.”
“He knows I’m married,” Ed muttered, defeated.
“Yes, he does.”
“Why does he let me keep doing that?..”
Al took a moment to answer, watching Ed carefully.
“Because your family is not his responsibility, brother, he can’t make this decision for you,” he said finally. “Neither can I. But… But I promise you, I’ll support you no matter what.”
“How can you say this, Al?! How can you support me no matter what?! What if… No, no, I don’t want to do as our father did!”
“You are the one who still hates him for leaving, Ed, not me…”
~
Ed went to Roy as soon as he arrived in Central on Monday evening. There was no point in waiting ― he would not be able to get what Al told him out of his mind until he spoke to Roy about this. Ed was almost sure the man would not even allow him to try, and even if he did, it surely wouldn’t work.
He spoke as soon as Roy opened the door―
“We should talk,” Roy said at the same time with Ed’s, “There is something I wanted to ask you.”
His prepared speech died in Ed’s suddenly dry throat. He nodded and entered the house.
They stood in the hall looking at each other, Ed waiting for Roy to speak, and he couldn’t say that he was surprised to hear what the man said the next moment.
“Ed, we should end this.”
“What?..”
“I will not say that it was a mistake, because it wasn’t. I have thought a lot about this, Ed. I know I told you that I would have as little as you could give me, and it was not a lie. But things changed, Ed. I am almost forty, and I am working hard to become the Fuhrer one day, and this is not…” Roy sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “I can’t do this anymore. We must end this.”
Silence was ringing in Ed’s ears while he was trying to find his voice. He had thought about it a lot. First it was just an attempt to make a plan for the possible future. He had accepted that this would eventually end. But with the time passing, this relationship became something Ed could not imagine his life without. It was painful, he was stuck between two realities, splitting himself in two halves, trying to live two different lives.
But he had kept reminding himself that this would end eventually.
Until he didn’t anymore. Because at some point, which he completely missed, this, what he had with Roy, whatever it was, suddenly became as valuable to him as Winry and the kids. Just one man on the one side of the scale against three people who were Ed’s family. It was impossible to balance and each of the sides was slowly tearing him apart.
He came to Roy months ago silently begging the man to decide this for him, to push him away. Ed would have accepted it back then.
Now… Now it felt that he was divested of something that became an important part of his life.
“I… I wanted to ask you something.”
Why does my voice sound so dim?
“Ed, I need you to answer me on what I just said.”
“Yeah, yeah ok... I… Just let me try something first and I’ll be out of your hair, I promise,” he smiled weakly, suddenly experiencing a mild twinge of derealization.
“Ed… All right, what is it?”
“I want to try something. Perhaps it is a bad time for that, but I promised Al to try so… “
Why was he persisting? What was the point, especially now…
Ed took in a deep breath and stepped closer to Roy.
“You know I will not do anything to harm you?”
“Of course, Ed, why are you asking?”
“I just wanted to make sure you know that,” Ed answered and hesitantly took Roy’s hands in his — physical contact would make it easier. He half expected the man to pull away instantly, but warm fingers wrapped around Ed’s hands and he let out a breath he had been holding. “You know I gave up my Gate for Al,” Ed spoke around the lump in his throat, not looking at Roy. “Al found that book in Xing, it is old but I’ve managed to understand enough from it, and now I have an array that can allow me to use another alchemist’s Gate.” Ed felt Roy’s hands tensing, and he looked up at the man’s confused face, question in his eyes. “It’s not that simple, though. I can’t do it without a permission, I tried it with Al, but it didn’t work, though I know he trusts me, but it’s… It’s just not that simple. Will you… Will you allow me to try?”
Ed forced himself to keep looking in Roy’s dark eyes, repeating in his head that this could be the last time he was allowed to be this close to the man, and if he just could―
“Of course, Ed,” Roy answered quietly, and Ed forced himself to stop thinking about anything else but what he was going to do next. Later, they would discuss it later, he needed to focus on the array in his mind, because even if, when he would fail, it would still delay the moment when he would have to think how to reshape his life again, how to go back to the life he had before this, how to find a way to forget this had ever happened.
He took the last short step between them, now standing face to face with Roy. It was not necessary, but it might help, but most of all, he just wanted to be close to the man at that moment.
Warm hands in his, dark eyes watching him, soothing warm breaths on his lips — it was as comforting as it was arousing and Ed let himself drown in the feeling, pulled towards this warmth.
He closed his eyes and pressed his face closer, lips just breath away from touching, noses brushing together.
“Ed?” he more felt than heard a whisper falling from Roy’s lips.
He didn’t answer and started building the array in his mind, piece by piece, line by line. It was perhaps the most elegant, complicated and yet simple array he had ever seen. There was not a single irrelevant line or symbol in it — extremely minimalistic, every element served its own purpose and was in the perfect balance with others. It was beautiful, and the alchemist in Ed was hurting just thinking that such a perfection would never find a practical use.
When there was nothing around him but the comforting dark warmth and the bright lines of the array before him, he mentally pushed it forward.
He felt absentmindedly how Roy’s fingers trembled briefly only to squeeze his hands harder the next moment. It was the point where it failed when Ed attempted it with Al — the darkness in front of him, instead of opening up to allow the array further in, violently pushed him out.
Any time now Roy would push him away too, like he already did earlier today, saying that they should end this, because Ed didn’t have a place in Roy’s life, how could he, it was only fair, because Roy also didn’t have a place in Ed’s. And what had Ed even hoped for starting this, how had he expected this to end, or hadn’t he even been thinking about it, too wrapped up in the waves of emotions washing over him every time he was with Roy, drowning him, depriving him of the ability to be reasonable. Because he just wanted this, wanted this so much, and had there been even any time before that when he did something just for himself? And this one time when he had decided to let go, to let go of the rules he had set for himself, and just allow himself to welcome this possibility of doing something so selfish that it had the potential to ruin the lives of three adults and two kids, this one time he couldn’t have it.
And maybe that was it, the sign for him that he couldn’t possibly rely on what he wanted. It was fair. And yet at the same time it wasn’t.
He was breathing hard, heart fighting its way from his ribcage. It was so unfair, why was it so unfair? Was he not worthy of having the possibility, just the possibility , of having something that made him so whole and happy that he couldn’t even contain it? Hadn’t he deserved this chance? Now, when he finally figured out what he wanted, what he truly wanted, needed , he would be deprived of it in a few moments. And why was he persisting, why delay the inevitable, hope for something, that would never be? Should he give up now before Roy pushed him away? Should he let go, let the array vanish, and make it his own decision, not anyone else’s? Should he―
Roy let out a shuddering breath, air with the smell of oak warm on Ed’s lips, and he felt the man pressing his forehead to Ed’s, and it was so intimate in a way that Ed had never experienced, and suddenly there was a dazzling white light before Ed’s closed eyes, shoving away the darkness, and the breath died in his lungs — forgot how to breathe, all Ed could see was this — the blinding endless whiteness and in the middle of it ― Roy’s Gate.
He hadn’t thought he would be able to go that far… But there he was. And Ed’s breath whispered through his lips as adrenalin was filling his veins. It was more than unexpected, but it still was not enough and Ed wondered at what point Roy would push him out, and he didn’t even doubt he would, it was out of the question — the place he tried to reach was sacred. But since he was allowed to see the Gate he had to try to go further.
Ed moved the array forward, placing it on the Gate’s surface. He was holding his breath, feeling a drop of sweat running down his temple. Roy tensed. Now, it was going to happen any second now, please, a little more, give me just a little more… And as if his silent pleas were heard, he felt Roy pressing to him even closer, strong hands holding his in a tight but tender grasp, warm breath on his lips, the heart beating against his own, the smell of oak and ozone washing over him, filling him, and at that moment he couldn’t feel where his body ended and Roy’s started, and with a barely heard Ed , he saw the array on the Gate lighting up, and the Gate started opening.
And with every inch of the widening gap Ed felt waves of what he had thought he would never be able to feel again in his life flowing from the Gate towards him, filling in what seemed to be the bottomless emptiness in his soul. With every beat of their hearts, with every breath taken Ed felt the tingling waves of alchemical energy — Roy’s energy — flowing through his veins, his whole body humming with it and it was too much, and why was he able to do this and why did Roy let him…
It was too much, it was so familiar and yet so alien, it was not his, but it was given to him to use with such an ease, and it was scary how easy it was, it was beautiful and so good to have it again, temporary yes, but for the first time in all these years Ed was whole again.
Overwhelmed, Ed felt hot tears running down his face at the same time as he heard the gentle, “Ed? Edward? You’re crying…”. And he let himself open his eyes while trying not to lose the image of the opened Gate and his array shimmering on its surface. He pulled a bit back to lock his eyes with the dark worried ones, he slowly removed his hands from Roy’s grip and the man instantly cupped his face, and started brushing away the tears from Ed’s face.
“Ed, Ed, Ed…”
He didn’t know he could go this far, he didn’t know what to expect, he didn’t know it would be like that — overwhelming, consuming, devouring . If he had thought the two of them had been close, intimate before this moment, that was nothing compared to what Ed felt now.
Why did he let me? Why are you letting me do this, Roy?!
How could he let Ed with this array to his Gate, how could he trust him so much not knowing what this array was for? Opening up like that, letting him use the very core of his existence...
...Giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to.
No, no, it couldn’t be that. Please, Roy, you can’t... I can’t…
Their eyes locked, Roy’s hands on Ed’s face, soft whispers, repeating his name over and over and over again, asking if he was alright and telling him something important at the same time, and Ed didn’t want to know that, didn’t want to acknowledge. It was easy like that — not knowing, not crossing the line from where there would be no return. But perhaps it didn’t matter now because even though Roy let him do this, it would not change anything.
‘We must end this’...
His hands free, Ed drew in a nervous breath and brought his palms together.
He wasn’t prepared for this part, he was sure he would not get this far, and he wasn’t even thinking what he was going to do, but his questions were brushed off from his mind when he saw and felt the sparkles of alchemy on the tips of his fingers and he heard a strangled nervous laugh and he wasn’t sure if it was his or Roy’s, but it didn’t matter and the only thing for him now was the stream of alchemy from Roy’s Gate filling his body, strong, thick, bright, connecting them together.
He reached with one hand to a wooden wall beside them and touched it. Alchemy rushed through him, accumulating on the tips of his fingers. He turned his wrist, bringing his hand palm up and when the blue light faded, there was a small wooden figure of a bird sitting on Ed’s palm.
And the breath caught in his throat.
“Why?! Why am I able to do this?!” he asked not being able to tear his eyes from the wooden toy he just transmuted, following it, when Roy took it from Ed’s palm to give it a closer look.
“What do you mean, Ed? Were you expecting for this to not work?”
“Yes! I shouldn't… It worked only because you let me. How… But this is your Gate , Roy, how can you let anyone so close to them, how can you let anyone use it?!”
“You are not anyone, Ed,” Roy answered quietly, and Ed was suddenly aware of how close they were standing. He took one step back.
“You shouldn’t let me! Why are you letting me do this, Roy, why?!”
“I thought it should be obvious by now, Ed.”
“NO! No! You don’t understand! Why would you possibly trust me with this?! No! It didn’t even work with Al, and he is my brother ! But you…”
“I what, Ed? What am I? Your former superior officer, who you happen to fuck with and who should not trust his former subordinate to do something like that?” There was a hard undertone in Roy’s voice, and Ed realised that the man was angry.
“No... Why…”
“Why, Ed? You are asking me why?! You, who keep coming into my life only to leave again! You, who asks me why I am not married and talks about regrets?! What do you know about regrets, Ed?! Not a day passes when I don’t think what my life would’ve been if I had approached you before you proposed to Winry, Ed!”
“What?..”
“Do you think I’m doing this for fun, Ed?! Do you think I can’t fuck whoever I want to in this whole damn city, this whole damn country?! Why would I choose some crippled fucked up brat who can’t make up his goddamn mind about what he wants in his life?! Do you think I don’t want more? Do you think it is so damn easy for me to keep the act of this friends-with-benefits thing without even raising a question about this — for your sake, Ed! — pretending that I’m happy with how things are?!”
Roy was almost screaming now, voice low and husky, his knuckles white around the wooden toy he was squeezing too hard.
Ed’s head was reeling. He could still feel a strong stream of Roy’s alchemy running from the man to him, and he thought absentmindedly, that Roy could shut him out any moment, but for some reason, even being angry with Ed, he still let this connection stand.
“I’ve wanted you for years, Ed! Even while you kept insulting me and pushing all my buttons! For years, Ed! Not a day passes when I don’t curse my life for it will never be as I want it to be, for I’ve missed my chance! And then you started coming here basically offering yourself! And you think I could decline? Decline what I have been yearning for for so long? I am not a saint, Ed! I am not going to take a single bit of the responsibility you hold to your family. But I know what I want and when it comes to my arms, I can only hold on for so long, Ed.” Roy’s first outburst of emotions died down and the frown between his eyebrows disappeared, replaced with a pained expression in his eyes. His voice was tight, dropping almost to a whisper, as if every word he was saying was hurting his throat. “I would give you anything Ed, everything. I can’t believe I’m telling you this… You own me, Ed, and you don’t even realize this. Why the fuck don’t I marry… I would give you my whole life, Ed. My body, my soul. And letting you use my Gate is such a little part of it... I would give it to you for good, Ed, if I knew how. You’re worth all that. Trust… It is so much more than just trust, Ed. How can you not see it?...”
Why, why are you telling me this now, now, when it is already too late, now, when the next thing you say will be “Let’s end this”, why are you doing this to me, Roy?..
“I… But I can’t… You know I can’t! I..”
“Of course you can’t! Of course… And I am not asking anything from you, Ed. But… But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep letting you go every time, Ed. You are hurting yourself and me in the process. Once I thought I better have something, just a part of you and it would be better than nothing. But I can't go on like this. Because I don’t want just a part of you. I want all of you in my life, just for me! And I can’t ask this from you. And I don’t want to force you to make a choice, because there can't be any choice here. Because you yourself don’t know what you want. So I am making this decision for you, and let it be me regretting it. But I’ve lived without you all these years, Ed. I watched you getting married and having kids. And I can do this again. But I won’t let you keep exhausting yourself and me over the possibilities that will never be. I am taking this out of your hands. Don’t come here anymore, Ed. Please.”
“No, Roy, please… I…”
“You what? You need this? Me?! I would do anything for you, Ed, but not like this! Because like this there is going to be nothing left of me soon. Please, go.”
“But…” Ed started and trailed off. There was nothing he could say to change this. There was nothing he could say of what he wanted to say. ‘ I want to be with you’ ? He had never fully been and he hardly ever would, because that would not be the whole him. ‘I need you ’ sounded selfish and he had already let his selfishness do enough damage these last few months. ‘I love you ’... Ed drew in a shuddering breath. The words were a lump in his throat and he couldn’t give them voice, and what an irony, that the first time he thought these words was only after he had lost his chance to ever say them.
Roy closed his eyes and with this Ed felt the flow of alchemy being cut off, and he felt himself falling into the once again opened endless wound inside him. And for a moment he thought he couldn’t breathe and his heart wasn’t beating. His eyes were hurting, his ears ringing, and with pain in his whole body, he left Roy’s house.
He was at the nadir where only desperation and self-pity were keeping him company. Where with every breath, his wretchedness was burning his lungs.
~
The next day he took a month off at University, and left to Rush Valley.
~
“Brother? What are you doing in Rush Valley? It’s just Wednesday, I thought..”
“I took a month off.”
“Did something happen? Did you try the array with the General?”
“Yes.”
“Ed? What happened? You sound so…”
“It worked, Al.”
“It worked?! Oh, brother! I am so happy! I told you it might work! How did it feel? How did he react? What are going to do now?”
“Nothing, Al. I will live my life as I had lived it before this all started.”
“Brother, I don’t understand, what are you…”
“He said we should end this and we did.”
“I’m sorry, brother…”
“Yeah, me too.”
~
A week passed and nothing changed. He was suffocating again, and even more now that he knew there was a place where his lungs were filled with air. But this place had been taken from him.
Two weeks passed and Winry finally noticed that something was wrong with him, or maybe it was just when she decided to show it.
“You miss your work?” she asked, and he just nodded.
Three weeks passed and on Saturday Paninya came by and took the kids for a weekend.
“We need to talk, Ed,” Winry said as soon as the kids left.
He heard this a lot these days, didn’t he?
“Something is happening with you, and you are not telling me anything. I know… I know you were not really happy here, that’s why I thought it would be good for you to start working in that university.”
“I will never use alchemy again, Winry,” Ed said, his voice sounding lifeless to his own ears.
“What? What does it have to do with this?”
“I thought I got used to it, but then when I felt it again, it was so…” He shook his head, trailing off. There were no words that could properly describe what he had felt then. Nothing he could say would make her understand.
“What are you talking about?”
“I found a way to use another alchemist’s Ga… alchemy.”
“Well, that’s good, right?” Winry asked, sounding unsure.
Ed turned to look at his wife.
“I can use it only with Roy,” he said.
“The General? You are friends, right? What about Al?”
“It didn’t work with Al.”
“So it works only with Mustang?”
“Yes.”
She shifted from one foot to another, a somewhat confused look on her face.
“And that is why you’ve been acting so distant recently? Because of the alchemy?” She asked.
“No, I…” Ed trailed off and looked down at his hands lying in his lap. “I suppose I just can’t accept the fact that I will never have it.”
Winry walked to him, sitting down in the chair across from him.
“Didn’t you get used to it?” She asked. “It’s been, what, ten years?” She tried to sound polite about this, Ed could hear the effort in her voice. But there was a poorly concealed irritation under it, and he couldn’t really blame her for this. “You have a family now, kids, Ed! Why does it matter? And you still work with the alchemy.”
“It’s not the same, Winry.”
She was silent for a long moment. Her next words trembled with a suppressed anger and confusion. She must have felt the distance that had grown between them. She must have searched for something to blame this on. It was not a surprise that it was the alchemy that she had put this responsibility on.
“Your alchemy has always been more important for you than anything, right, Ed?” Winry asked in a cold voice. It made Ed throw his head up to meet her gaze.
“I gave it up for my brother! How can you say this?!” He screamed and his raised voice had set her off as well.
“Well apparently you regret this! Or there is something else that you are not telling me, otherwise you wouldn’t be acting so weird for the last few months and we wouldn’t be having this conversation, Ed!”
“I don’t regret bringing my brother back! But I need this too, you don’t understand, Win...”
“Of course I don’t. I’ve never understood you, right, Ed?! Why did you marry me then, Ed, if I can’t understand you?!”
“You are not― ”
“Yeah, perhaps you should’ve married Mustang, right, Ed?! You are spending so much time with him because of the alchemy!”
That was obviously a joke, a mocking jab she used without really meaning anything by it. In any other set of circumstances, in any other life where Ed had made different choices, where the time he had spent with Mustang would just be what Winry was implying — a circle jerk of two alchemists obsessed with their alchemy, he would turn this jab on her, would rise to the sarcasm in her voice and reply with something sarcastic as well. Or perhaps he would grimace at the idea — him and his former commanding officer, a man so much older than him, and, well, a man, don’t be ridiculous, Winry…
But here and now her sarcastic joke turned cruel and hit too close to home.
His mouth went dry.
“Stop,” he croaked.
But she couldn’t. He was the one who had been cruel to her for months, cheating on her, distancing himself, questioning his love for her. She didn’t know what was happening inside his mind but she could feel the effect nonetheless. She felt hurt without understanding what it was that was hurting her.
“That would be perfect for you, huh, Ed?! And he’s the only one who can give you your alchemy or whatever!”
“It is not― ”
“I’m tired of this, Ed!” She screamed, tears in her eyes. Ed’s already broken heart was shattering into tiny little sharp pieces. “I tried to understand you, I tried to accept that this life perhaps is not for you, I tried to meet you halfway, haven’t I, Ed? We had this agreement, but you are never with me even when you are home! You keep being lost in your head. What is going on?!”
His eyes were burning.
“I… I’m sorry, Winry.”
“What exactly are you apologizing for, Ed?”
“I’m sorry I dragged you into it. I’m sorry I made you think I can be a good husband for you. I’m sorry I was so sure you would be a perfect wife for me. I’m sorry it is not like that.”
“What?.. What the fuck is this supposed to mean, Ed?!”
“I thought it was perfect, I really did, but it just stopped working out for me after some time. I need someone who understands me, everything I’ve been through, who understands this black hole in my chest eating me from inside, Winry! I need someone who can keep me on my toes, who can be a challenge for me every day. And I should’ve talked with you earlier, I know that and I’m so sorry, Winry, but I just can’t…”
“Wha― You need someone… But you are friends with Mustang and you can talk about all this with him, can’t you?”
Ed was just sitting there without answering, not daring to meet Winry’s gaze, and his silence spoke volumes.
“It’s about him, isn’t it…” She spoke finally, her voice faint, scared. “Ed, what are you trying to say?”
Ed rubbed his sweaty hands against his pants and made himself look up to face her when he said it.
“We’ve had sex. Roy and I, we…” He swallowed, words failing him. The silence fell. Winry was pale, looking at him with wide eyes, tears rolling silently down her face. He wanted to reach out to comfort her, but suddenly he wasn’t sure he had the right to touch her. “And he let me use his alchemy,” Ed said again. It felt important to mention, perhaps more important than whatever it was that Ed has started feeling toward the other man. The phrasing, the order in which he had said that was however wrong, because Winry’s face twisted in the mix of disgust and anger and something that almost looked like pity.
“I can’t believe he used you like this! I can’t believe you let him!” She covered her face with her hands, taking a shuddering breath that made her whole body tremble.
Ed’s blood ran cold. How could he manage to make it even worse with his poor choice of words? How could he allow it that anyone else beside him would be blamed for his decisions?
“No, it wouldn’t work if…” he tried. “He’s not using me, Winry.”
“How can you be sure about it?! Alchemy is your weak spot, isn’t it? Now when he knows you can use it with him he is just using you!”
“No! It’s not like that! It wouldn’t work if he just used me, Winry!” And it doesn’t matter now because I am not with him, not anymore.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s… Letting someone use your alchemy is like giving this person an access to your very soul… You should really trust this person. You should… It wouldn’t work if he wasn’t genuine with what he felt. I was able to do it because…”
“Because he loves you... Is this what you are trying to say?”
And this was it, wasn’t it? And Ed knew it though the words had not been said between them, but all the signs were there, Ed just pretended not to notice them, because it would make it all so much more difficult. But was there any sense to keep ignoring it? Roy loved him, and Ed… He could keep lying to himself and to others, but where would it lead? He was not a coward. He faced so many dangers in his life, he never hesitated to risk his life for others. But this, facing his own emotions, facing the truth of what he really felt, of how it will inevitably change his life ― this frightened him.
“And what about you, Ed?”
“What?”
“Do you love him too?”
“I…”
“No, you know what, I don’t wanna know. How much time until you have to come back to work? A week? You have one week, Ed. Do whatever you want but make up your mind.”
~
There was a difference between living and existing.
He couldn’t think here, his mind was in shackles. And Roy had always been keeping him on his toes, making every conversation a challenge.
There was a difference between the need for a simple comfort and the need to breathe when your chest was not clenched in a tight fist.
He couldn’t breathe here. And Roy was making him want to keep trying.
There was a difference between a comfortable life and a life that was filling his veins with fire.
Time wasn’t moving here, his inner fire was dying inside of him. And only Roy could set it aflame.
There was a difference between a choking obligation and a suffocating want.
Winry wanted him to be with her. Roy made him feel wanted.
There was a difference between caring and being in love.
He cared about Winry. He loved his kids. He was in love with Roy.
It would be a simple choice if it was only about what he wanted.
It would be even simpler if it was his obligation that he would make the choice for.
There would be no choice at all if he allowed his childhood fear of becoming like his father to consume him.
But as much as their motives were different, he began to understand that in the adult world there were situations where you either decide to live your own life or succumb to the circumstances. His father made his own choice, but whatever Ed would do, it would not make him any less or more like his father.
He had lived all his teen years paying his debts, he sacrificed himself for others and never cared if he would live one more day — he knew what “must” meant, and it had ruled his world, he had built his whole life around it. He had done so much of what must be done, that it would be enough for ten people. He didn’t owe neither others nor himself anything anymore — it was now whether he wanted and could do it or he didn’t.
And even though he could not have what — who — he wanted now, he was at least finally able to see what he didn’t want.
It was Roy who took the need to choose between two people Ed cared about from Ed’s hands. But the choice of whether to take a risky turn in his life or keep going with the flow was still Ed’s.
It was the opportunity that was not yet lost for him.
~
“Winry, let’s talk.”
It had been more than a year since Ed had last stood near the gates of the Central Command grounds, and all the times he had stood there waiting for Roy telescoped together spiking him with a queer feeling of deja-vu, although he knew today was different.
The day was coming to an end and Ed just hoped everyone who personally knew him had already left — he wanted to talk to Roy without any distractions.
After some time he spotted a familiar figure crossing the parade grounds from the main building. Ed was sure Roy had noticed him but the man didn’t show it in any way before he was out of the gates.
“Ed?” Roy’s voice indicated just a little amount of surprise, as if it wasn’t more than a year since they saw each other, and Ed forced himself not to wonder if Roy deliberately stopped on his track when he was a little bit too far from Ed to consider this distance friendly.
“Hey, Roy. How have you been?”
“What are you doing here, Ed?”
“Just returned from Aerugo. Thought I’d see you.”
“Aerugo?”
“Yeah. I quit the University and have been kinda traveling this year, was in Creta too, and visited Al in Xing.”
“Hm. Was your family fine with you being absent for so long?”
Here it comes.
“Oh, I took them with me in Xing. You should’ve seen the kids’ faces when we were invited to the palace! They were so amazed!” Ed grinned briefly but happily, letting himself be pulled into the memories of those events for a short moment. “Anyways, me and Winry are not together anymore, but I’m trying to spend time with Maes and Nina as often as I can.”
“Not together?”
“Yeah, we divorced.”
“Oh,” Roy’s eyes widened just for a flicker of a second and Ed noticed Roy’s throat convulsing shortly as the man swallowed nervously. “I’m sorry, Ed.”
“You know, I’m not,” Ed answered honestly. “We are still good friends, and I love Maes and Nina like crazy, but me and Winry… I suppose it just was not what I wanted. It wouldn’t have lasted much longer anyway.”
Their conversation from a year ago was still fresh in Ed’s head.
Winry thought he was leaving her for Roy, and then Ed said that it was not his option anymore, but he just didn’t love her as a husband should love his wife.
“ I will not let you do as your father did,” she said eventually. She didn’t let him answer anything. “Listen to me. I love you, but if you don’t love me, if you want to leave me, I can't hold you here. But don't leave your children. I won't let you do as your father did. You will talk to Maes and explain everything to him, and you talk to Nina when she’s older. You will spend time with them at least every weekend, Ed, every weekend! Here or take them there, I don't care. But I swear if I once hear from either of them that you don't spend enough time with them, that you don't say that you love them every single minute, I will make your life a nightmare, Ed, I swear.”
Not that he wouldn’t do it anyway even if she didn’t say that. But hearing that from her eased up an unpleasant knot in his stomach ― he was not abandoning his kids by this decision.
Here now, if Roy was surprised by his answer, he didn’t show it.
“I see.”
“Yeah…” Ed drew in a breath, feeling a bit dizzy. “Are you seeing anyone, Roy?”
Roy took a moment to answer, dark eyes locked on Ed’s. He tilted his head a bit and his posture seemed more relaxed now than it was the moment he saw Ed waiting for him.
“No, Ed, I’m not.”
“Are you free on Friday evening?”
“Well, if Hawkeye doesn’t come up with some additional paperwork to bury me under I should finish around eight.”
“Great. There’s this new Cretan place. Let’s say at nine there? I’ll call you later to give you the address.”
“Are you asking me out, Ed?” Roy asked and Ed wondered if he just imagined Roy’s lips tilting up a bit.
“I am,” Ed’s voice was calm, but he could feel his heart beating just a bit too fast.
Roy was watching him closely, searching for something, his face not giving away anything of what the man thought or felt at that moment. Ed held his gaze, and tried to keep breathing through the tight anxious fist around his chest.
There were so many things Ed wanted to tell him.
He wanted to tell him about all the interesting people he had met during this year of traveling, about the things he had learnt. He wanted to tell him about this wonderful feeling of being able to decide what he needed and wanted for himself. He wanted to tell him how grateful he was for teaching him to recognise his own desires, for showing him that life without regretting his choices was possible. He wanted to tell him that he missed him terribly.
But most of all he wanted to tell him that now he could and wanted to give himself wholly to him, and that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make Roy believe him.
But now it was Roy’s decision, and if the man didn’t want to have anything to do with Ed, he would accept it and would never bother him again.
“Nine sounds good,” Roy finally said after a pause that for Ed stretched for too long, and Ed let out a relieved breath and smiled widely, not even trying to conceive how happy he was to hear the man’s answer.
“Great. See you on Friday then?”
“Of course, Ed,” Roy smiled warmly.
Ed nodded and without any other word turned around and started walking away.
He would do this right this time. Without anything trying to tear him apart, without an eerie feeling of a tight grasp on his throat, without a desperation pushing his hand, without guilt coiling in his stomach.
It would be different this time. Because now Roy could have as much place in Ed’s life as he would want and it was not merely a part of him Ed could offer Roy, but himself wholly.
Ed was slowly walking along the street, smiling lightly, enjoying the still lingering warmth of this summer evening.
And even the dark void inside his chest didn’t ache as much as it used to.
“Ed?”
“Mm?..”
“Do you have any regrets?”
“No, not anymore.”
FIN