Chapter Text
“So, Busan?”
Their dorm room was eerily quiet and Soonyoung and Jihoon were both seated opposite each other. The distance that they used to cross with a few steps between their beds now had given them a feeling of being miles away from each other and it made Jihoon’s stomach drop because this wasn’t how he wanted to feel when he’d say good bye to Soonyoung. He’d imagined them in the middle of the room, hugging and both crying their eyes out, promising to text and mail each other when they have the time but never this—distant and cold.
“Yes, Busan.”
Soonyoung visibly took a deep breath and pursed his lips. “You... you made up your mind?”
Jihoon shrugged trying to be indifferent and trying to ignore the feeling that was eating him all up, “Since.”
Soonyoung nodded, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, eyes directed at everything but Jihoon’s own. “Cool.”
“Yeah.”
There was a pause, and another silence had filled the room and it wasn’t this—it wasn’t like this before. Why was everything suddenly so awkward and quiet and wrong? Why does Jihoon feel like crying and running away and never seeing Soonyoung again when this was supposed to be their last day of being with each other and yet, there they were, being stupid and distant and this really wasn’t how it was supposed to be… They were best friends and they were supposed to be sad that they won’t be able to see each other for a very long time but no, Jihoon was sad for an entirely different reason. Why did Soonyoung feel so far away?
Soonyoung clasped his hands in front of him, tapping his feet on the wooden floor. “I’m… I’m just… I’m…” he heaved a breath and lifted his head up, looking at the ceiling and biting his lower lip.
“I don’t know what to say. I just—why? I know, I don’t have the right to ask because it’s your life but… why? I thought we were going to Seoul together, you know… I thought we’ll rent an apartment together and pay rent together and do things together… I mean, we’re best friends and all that shit and I’ve thought about that… since… since, Jihoon, since. I’ve thought about that since. I wanted you to have a life away from your shitty family, give you all the fresh air that you need and like let you live the life that you deserve… I just—I—I'm stupid. I’m sorry.”
Soonyoung buried his face in his hands, shaking his head. Jihoon’s heart hurt at the sight, at his words, at everything he just said. The untold promises and plans—to be honest, Jihoon thought of it, too – to be with Soonyoung but in an entirely different way, where they weren’t friends and where they were in love with each other. Unfortunately, that wasn’t what Soonyoung had in mind and Jihoon didn’t want to kill himself everyday looking at Soonyoung and knowing that he couldn’t have the chance to experience what he wanted with the man he stupidly fell in love with. He knew better.
“I can’t abandon my family, Soonyoung.”
“That’s not what I meant—“
“I can’t live a comfortable life and just leave them.”
“I know and that’s not it, Jihoon. I know you and I know you’re a good person and that’s not what I meant—God. I don’t—“ Soonyoung stood up from his bed and paced in front of Jihoon; he looked anything but calm, like something was nagging inside of him but he wasn’t sure if he should say it or not.
“What is it?” Jihoon questioned his friend who was still frantic.
Soonyoung stopped, “What’s what?”
“Tell me.”
“Tell you what?” Soonyoung’s brows were knitted in irritation now but Jihoon wasn’t the least bit intimidated.
“Why are you so worked up about me moving to Busan? Why do you look and sound so upset that I didn’t talk to you about this? It’s not like I need to, you know.” The last one may not have been necessary but sometimes Jihoon’s brain-to-mouth filter didn’t work that well and he may have been really good at keeping his expression stoic but he was never good at hiding his emotions and everything had just been so much lately he was afraid he’d bottled it up for too long and that this was probably the time he chose to snap.
“I’m not upset, Jihoon. You’re imagining things.” Soonyoung countered, mouth set in a firm line. “If someone’s upset here I think it’s you.”
“Me?” Jihoon scoffed, standing up from his own bed and taking the few steps to reach Soonyoung and face him. “I’m upset?”
“You’re upset.”
“Fuck you, Kwon!”
“Well, guess what?! Fuck you, too!”
“Now you act like you know all about my feelings?” Jihoon retorted. “Well, guess what, you’re fucking right. I’m fucking upset! I don’t know what this is between us—this gap, the shit we do like we don’t give a fuck about each other anymore. It hurts and I don’t even know what we are anymore and I wanted to talk to you about moving to Busan but you were so busy with your life and I felt like I’ve lost a friend even when I gained some when you were gone. It felt so empty and you—you don’t even—I don’t even know about us anymore!”
Soonyoung quirked a brow and took a step forward unconcerned about the fact that he could feel Jihoon’s breath against his face, “Oh, so it’s my fault now? Guess what, Jihoon? I needed you, too! Don’t talk to me about being busy with my life when you were busy messing around with that Junhui guy! I have always needed you and—”
“What do you mean I’m messing with Junhui? What the fuck, Soonyoung? Don’t fuck with me! It’s not like you weren’t messing with Seokmin, too!”
“I see how you look at him and don’t even try to deny it—and fuck you, Seokmin is a friend and he was there when I was trying to get over you!”
What?
“What the fuck?! You fucking kissed him in the party!”
“I—” Soonyoung threw his hands in the air in frustration and slumped back down on his bed, burying his face in his hands. “I kissed him but it didn’t mean anything—we were drunk, he was messing with me and he wanted to make Joshua jealous and I wanted to make you jealous—and fuck! What the hell is happening?”
“What?” Jihoon’s mouth hung open, a dumbfounded look on his face. “What—you mean, you and Seokmin…?”
What?
Soonyoung let out a defeated sigh, his shoulders slumped, like all his energy just left his body. He looked up and stared into Jihoon’s eyes.
“We’re not what you think we are.”
Oh.
Jihoon couldn’t believe it. He just suddenly felt so stupid and relieved for some reason, like a weight he’d been carrying for a long time had been lifted off his chest. Soonyoung was… “You—what the fuck, Soonyoung?”
It took a moment for Soonyoung to compose himself and when he did, he glanced back up to Jihoon and this time he wasn’t afraid to look him directly in the eyes.
“Look, okay, I admit I am upset. I am very upset that you’re leaving. I can’t stand the thought of being away from you because I can’t—I fucking can’t—I just can’t. I know it doesn’t make any sense but I want to be with you all the time. It’s weird and it’s clingy and sappy but fuck that, Jihoon, I want to be with you and I don’t care. I’ve built a life for us in the back of my mind and that’s what I’ve always wanted to happen—well, maybe it was a one sided thing because I’ve never asked you if that's what you want for yourself but Jihoon, I’ve thought about it every night—living with you, being with you. I’m—“
“You like me.”
Jihoon blurted and there was no doubt inside his mind nor a waver in his voice. The realization just struck him and it was undisputable—Soonyoung said it all. Jihoon stared directly into his best friend’s eyes and he could see the latter cowering, his head hanging low as if it could hide what was written all over his face.
“What if I did?” Soonyoung retorted, a pout visible on his lips and his tone was suddenly all defensive. “It’s not like you can do anything about it, Jihoon. It's not like you can tell me to not like you and make my feelings go away like magic... It’s not like I crossed a line or whatever—“the blond suddenly looked up, an alarmed expression on his face, “Did… did I, in any way, cross a line?”
“If your annoying wake up calls for the past four years can be counted as that then I guess you have…” Jihoon joked and it seemed to lighten the mood that had been chaotic and dangerous earlier. Soonyoung smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. There was a situation that they couldn’t avoid anymore. The unsaid had been said and Soonyoung had been dreading this day to come.
”I’m a fucking idiot, Jihoon, I know that and I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for accusing you of things and for making you feel like you’re a bad best friend… and I just cannot believe that I got carried away and confessed to you when I know you don’t even like me and shit and I just hope this doesn’t put a strain in our friendship… fuck…”
There was a long stretch of silence, with Jihoon just staring at Soonyoung who had never moved from his position of hiding his face in his hands.
“Why? Why did you not give me any sign, Soonyoung? Why did you avoid me?”
Soonyoung looked up with a little flinch when Jihoon suddenly broke the silence. “For the reason that I do not want to make our friendship weird… and fuck, Jihoon, I had nothing on that Junhui guy. He’s dreamy and all, tall and very handsome and nice and I’m just—well, I’m just me… your chatterbox of a best friend, the one that annoys you to no end. What do I have compared to him?”
Jihoon sighed, the smile that curved on the corner of his lips suddenly turned into an uncontrollable fit of laughter that made Soonyoung look at him as if he was crazy.
“What?” Soonyoung asked and Jihoon had a hand on his belly from laughing too hard before paying attention to his best friend (should he still call him that?) again.
“I just realized how stupid we both are, Soonyoung.” Jihoon said, sitting up properly on his bed. “We’re both dense idiots and we’ve wasted so much time.”
Soonyoung tilted his head a little to the side, “What—I don’t understand.”
“I'm not in love with Junhui, I’ve never liked him in a… romantic way.”
Soonyoung nodded and suddenly did a double-take because what the hell? “Okay…”
“And there’s only one guy I’ve ever liked since I’ve stepped foot in this university.”
Soonyoung took a deep breath. Well, this was it. He’d always told himself that he was ready for the heartbreak and he always thought that he was but then he never was—no one was ever prepared for it even when you know it was coming. Although, he wouldn’t deny the fact that a little voice inside his head was hoping that it was him Jihoon meant. That he was the only guy Jihoon had liked since. But...
“T-Tell me—Is it all right if you tell me who… I mean, I won’t have anything against the guy. I mean, if you’d convince me that he’d treat you right then I guess I won’t hold any grudges.”
Jihoon stood up from his bed, crossing the small distance between him and Soonyoung and sat beside him. It didn’t feel that far away anymore. “Oh, believe me, you’ll love the guy because I do.”
Soonyoung felt his stomach drop. The guy was obviously a good guy and Jihoon might have met him when they were distant with each other and fuck, it hurt. “S-Sure.”
Jihoon scooted closer to Soonyoung, a new found confidence blossoming inside of him and he hooked his chin on Soonyoung shoulder before speaking. “He’s a great man, quite unsure and unconfident of himself when he really didn't have to feel that way because he’s good—really good, way too good for me. His smile is my everything, his arms is my home and he has a cartoon character designed boxer shorts—Spongebob to be specific. Oh, there was also Cars, I think it’s one of his favorite animated movies.”
Soonyoung sniffled, trying to swallow the lump in his throat and hoping to God that Jihoon didn’t notice. “Y-You’ve seen him naked?”
“Lots of times, yeah…” Jihoon nodded and tried not to laugh at the whole situation and how innocent Soonyoung had sounded asking him the question. If he was dense then Soonyoung was the epitome of it.
“Oh.”
“He’s also very enthusiastic—way over the top sometimes but that just made me love him even more. He once told me he couldn’t live without me but I ignored it because he may have just joked about it but he’s told me again today and God, was I an idiot to not believe him.”
“Oh… wow… that—“Soonyoung’s brows furrowed, he looked lost in thought but he shook his head a little and gestured for Jihoon to go on. God, could someone be denser than this idiot?
“He snores so fucking loud and if there was an Olympic sport to it, I know he’d be the first to represent.”
“Sounds like a dick.”
Jihoon nodded.
“Go on, Ji.”
“He seems like a really free-spirited person, you’d perceive him as someone who had nothing laid out in the future—“
“That’s harsh.”
“—but guess what?”
“What?”
“He’s planned a future for us in the back of his mind and he’s a fucking idiot because I’m talking to him right now and he couldn’t seem to get a thing—he’s handsome and is a good dancer but get this, he is a fucking dimwit.”
Soonyoung’s mouth flew open, eyes blown wide in utter shock and he pointed to himself automatically, “Me?!”
“Yeah, you, what the fuck do you expect?” Jihoon had landed a gentle punch in the middle of Soonyoung’s stomach and looked up at him. “Are you just acting innocent?”
“No… I…” Soonyoung shook his head frantically, trying to blink the tears that had inevitably formed in his eyes. “Who would think… you’d like me— I’m just me…“
“Don’t think anymore,” Jihoon faced him this time, resting a hand on top of Soonyoung’s own. “I’ve always liked you, Soonyoung. Heck, it might even be more than like with you.”
Soonyoung blinked. Every possible emotion had passed his face yet his eyes never left Jihoon’s own. He just stared, still couldn’t get his head around the fact that the person he had loved since loved him back. He couldn’t get over the fact that they were speaking of it, that they were talking about it, that they weren’t keeping it to each other anymore. Soonyoung loved Jihoon. Jihoon loved Soonyoung. A simple fact, yet it was enough to melt him and his heart to the ground.
“I love you.”
The words were not new to their ears but it was to their mouths. They’ve never expressed their affection explicitly; it always came in the form of ‘take care’, ‘have you eaten?’ and ‘sleep well’ and it was enough back then. Hearing it now—those three exact words that they chose not to say, conveyed only by their eyes and the comforting embraces in both the good and bad times— it felt completely different… Soonyoung’s heart had throbbed more than it did before and maybe…
“Can I kiss you?”
…just maybe it was what compelled him to lean in and press his and Jihoon’s mouths in a deep and chaste kiss; the overwhelming feeling of knowing and being told that you were loved was enough to push him to do a thing he’d always thought of before but never had the courage to.
Soonyoung pulled away, just enough that he could rest his forehead against Jihoon’s own, the tips of their lips brushing. It came out of Soonyoung’s mouth hushed, barely above a whisper, not even a soul had probably heard it but the corners of Jihoon’s mouth curve into a smile and that’s when he leaned in and captured Soonyoung’s lips with his own— slow and as passionate as the first.
“I love you.”