Chapter Text
You go to the funeral, of course you do.
You've interacted with him on multiple occasions and he never failed to say something positive to you in those instances. The fact that he raised Laura Hollis would have been enough for you to pay your respects.
You make a point to wait in line to speak to Laura after the ceremony and offer your condolences personally. Her face scrunches up when she sees you and for once, you're the one initiating an embrace.
"I'm so sorry, Laura." You whisper in her ear while she clutches at your waist.
"I'm trying so hard to keep it together, Carm. I - "
"It's okay to cry."
"I'm sorry I haven't made the effort." She says, pulling back from you and you notice the hollowness of her cheeks and it's so difficult to see the effect of this disease land on her shoulders.
"I understand." You say even though it killed you inside for so long and she hugs you again.
"Thank you." She says seriously. "You're the best friend I've ever had."
You and Will watch her coronation, but you don't stick around to talk to her afterwards because she looks so worn down and you know she doesn't need you crowding her right now.
When you get back to Monte Carlo, you write her a letter about how proud you are of her and how good she'll be as queen.
You never get a reply.
Cambridge is a whole different world.
You have a single dorm and you don't socialize much except for the parties that occur every weekend and that's where you meet Ell.
She's older and takes care of you and she makes you forget Laura. It's so easy, being with her that you don't even notice how together you really are until you're going to dinner with her bi-weekly and alternating who gets to pay.
You bring her home to Monte Carlo over winter break and she loves it and you're pretty sure she loves you.
Laura sends you an official looking post card for your nineteenth birthday.
You drink a lot that night.
You end things with Ell after you go home for the summer after your second year at Cambridge and Will points out that the only times the paparazzi have ever turned up in Cambridge is when she's with you.
It's a messy break-up that involves her selling some of the things you left in her dorm room over e-bay for much more than they're worth and Maman's eyes flash with rage when she figures out and she tells you,
"Carmilla, with your permission, I will sue her for every penny she's worth."
You give your permission.
You live at home and resume your pre-college lifestyle.
You try not to acknowledge Laura's existence anymore and you do a pretty good job of it until Will gently reminds you that it's tradition for the British monarch to attend the Grand Prix.
You've been at school the past two years that it's been held and you don't see why this one has to be any different so you book a flight to Australia the week before the event and despite Maman's protests, you go.
You're twenty-one when you first consider yourself truly moved on from Laura Hollis.
You get your share of the family money and what you don't invest, you use to buy yourself a small apartment in Berlin. You go to school in Germany and you make a few close friends that know you're a royal, but don't exploit it. You even go on a few dates. You've managed to keep yourself together for a few months when you get a text from an unknown number.
I'm in Germany. I'd love to see you, Carm.
You drop your phone in your living room because even without a signature, the text is so painfully Laura. She's the only one who's ever called you that.
You don't reply. Instead, you spend your night curled up on your couch with a bottle of vodka.
Will requests that you be present for the Grand Prix because he's racing in it and you're so shocked by this development and by the fact that you didn't even have an idea that he does this, you say yes on the spot.
Will wins.
You see Laura for the first time in years and your heart clenches painfully in your chest, but you manage to smile at her and participate in an exchange of pleasantries without incident. It makes you want to puke, all this formality.
You lose.
The letter comes a day after you turn twenty-two.
There's no return address, but the handwriting on the envelope is so achingly familiar. You collapse onto your sofa while you read it because you are always going to be weak for this girl no matter how many times you convince yourself that your infatuation with her is done and over with.
Inside is the first letter you ever sent Laura.
You can't not respond and she sends her reply back in less than a week.
A few months later, she shows up on your doorstep with shaking hands and unbelievably dark eyes. For a moment you have trouble recognizing her as your Laura because she looks so worn out.
You don't really know what to do so you take her hands in yours to stop them from shaking and she hugs you so tightly that you're pretty sure she comes close to damaging your ribs.
"I'm sorry." She says against the fabric of your shirt at your shoulder. "I'm so fucking sorry."
You fall back into friendship, but in no way is it as easy as it used to be.
You don't see Laura everyday. Far from it, actually, but she's the Queen of England so that's understandable.
She tells you stories whenever the two of you make time to see each other and you react with a small smile or a smirk because that's what fourteen-year old you would have done.
You're having dinner with her in your small kitchen in Germany when she looks at the half smirk on your face and says angrily,
"What do I have to do to for you to forgive me?" She continues when you don't respond. "I know I screwed up when I neglected you for two years, but my god, I've been trying - "
"It's not - " You curse because when did it become so hard to talk to Laura? "That's not - I was in love with you for so long and it was so hard - and I'm trying too. I want to be friends. I just need some time."
She stands after a moment and you think she's leaving, but then she's walking over to you and leaning down and fitting her mouth over yours and you think, maybe it's time you forgive her for making you fall in love.
You show Laura Hollis how much you love her for the first time when you are twenty-two years old.
Her hands shake and her fingers are cold on your skin, but there isn't anything in the world you would trade this for.
She makes you fall apart against the wall of the hallway that connects the kitchen and your bedroom and then does it again within minutes and you'd be a bit embarrassed if it wasn't for the fact that you've been in love with this girl since you were fifteen.
"Laura." You rasp, grabbing at her arm. "Bed."
"I've wanted this for so long." She says in response.
"Me too."
"You never said - "
"Neither did you."
You open your eyes to find her staring back at you and God, you're a wreck already and it's not fair that she looks sp composed without a stray hair in sight.
"I was going to, but then all these things started happening and I got overwhelmed and I let you slip through the cracks." She kisses you with such force that you feel as if the dry wall is going to have an imprint of your shoulder blades when everything is said and done. "And I never could have dreamed that you'd be interested in me too - "
"Laura." You say, pushing her backwards towards the door of your bedroom. "I love you."
"Yeah?" She asks and her voice is so light that it reminds you of all the years you've spent together.
"Yeah."
Laura's orgasm hits her so hard that you have to wave your hand over her nose to check if she's still breathing.
"Jesus." She breathes out, eyes still firmly shut.
"I'm comfortable with your highness."
"Shut up."
You move to lie down beside her and she immediately curls into you, her nose at the crook of your neck.
"I'm not the easiest person to be with." You tell her because that's what a number of your past dates have been telling you, that you have a tendency to shut people out and too broody and the scars from Ell's betrayal runs deep in your skin. "I - "
Laura's laugh cuts you off.
"I'm the Queen of England." She says. "I'm the definition of high maintenance."
"Besides." She says later against your neck. "I don't want easy, I want you."
And you fall asleep to her heart beating against your ribs.
You continue to live in Germany, and sometimes Monte Carlo, even after you and Laura get together. Sometimes, Laura shows up at your door unannounced, sometimes you walk up to the gates of Buckingham Palace and send her a text to let you in. You write letters to her and she writes them to you.
It's not an ideal beginning of a relationship for either of you because you don't get to spend much time together at all, but it'll do.
You tell Maman of your intentions to abdicate your right to the throne and she yells at you for almost half an hour, but eventually accepts your decision.
"It's the English girl again, isn't it?" She asks you and flinch at the harshness of her tone. "I've seen the pictures of you in England."
"I've never wanted this." You say. "But I can live with it now. I don't think I can live sitting on a throne."
"Mircalla." She says. "This throne has been yours since birth. I am simply warming it."
"I'm sorry."
You get your bachelor's degree that summer and Will and Maman show up to the ceremony with Kirsch. Laura can't come because she has an appearance scheduled at the White House, but she does take you to Iceland afterwards to celebrate. The two of you spend your time locked up in your hotel room or tugging on each other's hands in the streets of Reykjavik to get from one tourist attraction to another.
She kisses you every opportunity she gets and she's oddly twitchy with excitement on her face that you haven't seen this strong since you were fourteen and baking cookies in the palace kitchen.
You figure her out on the last night of your stay as you're getting ready for bed, your mouth is full of toothpaste when she barges into the bathroom, and she starts rambling on.
"I didn't - I couldn't - I kept waiting for the perfect opportunity to ask you this and maybe it's too early but I've loved you since I was nine at that yacht club party where no one else would even talk to me and I know I made you miserable when I was miserable and I have a lot of baggage, but so do you and - " She kneels down on the cold tile in sweatpants that date all the way back to the days she used to play hockey and a tank top and you've never been so in love with her in your life.
You can hear your heartbeat in your ears and it gets louder when she opens a closed fist to reveal a ring.
"Carmilla." She says and you turn to the sink and calmly spit out all the foam in your mouth and rinse. "I am so in love with you and - god, I'm rambling - will you marry me?"
You feel like you're on cloud nine and you laugh so loudly that it hurts.
"This isn't exactly what a girl wants to hear when she proposes marriage." Laura mumbles, still kneeling, still looking up at you with eyes that have progressively become brighter over the course of the past few months.
You ignore her and step past her to get at the hook behind the bathroom door where you've hung up your jacket. It takes you a few tries to open the zipper of the pocket, but the look on her face when you finally retrieve the small box you've carried around with you for a long time is oh so worth it.
"I've had it since the day after the first time we - "
Kissed? Became a couple? Told each other how in love we are?
"I bought this after you told me you didn't want anything to do with the crown of Monaco." She jiggles the ring. "God, I love you so much."
"Is that a yes?"
"I asked first."
You nod and she slips the ring onto your finger and you pull her up by her hands for a kiss that leaves you breathlessly happy.
She lets out a low laugh when you break the kiss to kneel before her.
"You don't have to ask." She says and you kiss her left hand before putting the ring you've meant to give her for a while now on her second finger. She looks confused when you don't get up.
You think she gets it when you start tugging on the waistband of her sweats with every intention of pulling them off of her.