Chapter Text
Look. Jackie knows it’s wrong. She knows she shouldn’t read Shauna’s journal, but it’s just lying on Jackie’s bed where she left it, practically haunting her. It’s like it’s calling out to her, it’s leather cover beckoning her forward, telling her to find comfort in the smudged words scrawled messily across page after page.
She knows it’s wrong, she’s not conscienceless, but she knows Shauna’s been keeping something from her, and the answer is looming before her mere inches away, shielded only by a simple string and that stupid brown leather. How could she help herself? She simply can’t . She’ll apologize to Shauna later, she’s sure she’ll forgive her, understand her morbid curiosity.
When she grabs the journal, its leather warms and darkens against her fingers, and she almost puts it down, but she takes a long deep breath, and carefully unties Shauna’s meticulous bow. As she swings it open, she takes a pause, admiring Shauna’s name written on the inside with care. She knows she shouldn’t, but she’s going to. She needs to know. It’s been practically eating her up inside and Shauna Shipman, queen of keeping her emotions close to the chest, had refused to tell her. This was practically her only option to figure out if something was happening between them, and if she was being honest, she was expecting the worst. She wasn’t sure she could hear Shauna say something horrible to her face, so she did what she had to.
She flips to the most recent entry, nestled close to the back of the book, dated May 24, 1996. Jackie takes one more deep breath, and starts to read.
I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. It honestly feels hard to breathe, even just looking at her. Keeping this from her is practically killing me. I don’t know how to tell her, I don’t know what to say, but I don’t know that I can be her friend when I’m feeling like this. How do you go about telling your best friend since before kindergarten something like this? It’s aching through every part of me. Tai told me to just tell her, but how could I? I don’t think I can. I don’t know. I guess I’ll see. But all I know is I can’t live like this forever.
Jackie’s heart sinks so deep she thinks she may never find it again. It curls around her toes and nearly sinks right out of her body. She can’t breathe, tears sting her eyes. Shauna is hiding something, and it’s something so bad she can’t even stomach telling Jackie, something so terrible she thinks they may not be able to be friends anymore. The very idea has Jackie’s stomach twisting and writhing. She has to hold the journal with all her grip to not drop it, to not let it fall to the ground and reveal more terrible awesome words. Why would Shauna say that? Jackie thought she loved her.
It’s hard to stomach, but her morbid sense of curiosity has her turning the page back once more to see the entry before that one, see if somehow it clears something up. At first, it doesn’t seem so good.
Fuck. Jackie is going to KILL me. I can’t fucking do this.
A tear drips down her face, and she barely notices it splashing on the page, but she keeps on reading.
I picked her up for school today and I swore I almost stopped breathing. She was wearing that stupidly adorable skirt and that preppy little sweater vest that she somehow makes look incredible, even if it is super dorky (Jackie’s tears may be fading, but she is a bit offended by that, her sweater vests are extremely in style). She smiled at me the whole way from her front porch and she gave me that cute little wave and I swear my heart skipped a beat. She has to be the fucking prettiest person ever. How unfair is it that god gifted me with access to the prettiest person in the world and didn’t let me kiss her??? I must have fucked something up in my past life.
Jackie feels her heart pick up in her chest. Shauna isn’t hiding a deep dark secret, she doesn’t hate Jackie, she just… has a crush on her? Thinks she’s gorgeous? Jackie isn’t quite sure yet, but it definitely doesn’t seem negative.
The more she reads, the more it seems clear that it’s a crush, but it’s more than that too. It seems like Shauna is… fully in love with her. Shauna wants to date her, and love her, and kiss her, and pretty much anything couples do. She talks about Jackie the way she’d dreamed her future partners would talk about her as a kid. She writes near poetry about Jackie’s features and her hair. She has Mrs. Jackie Shipman written with hearts surrounding it. When Jackie flips back to entries from when she was dating Jeff, Shauna’s scrawl got messier, angrier, describing how horrible Jeff had been, and how she could’ve been so much better for Jackie. Jackie’s heart squeezes in her chest, tears grow in her eyes, but this time they’re not because Shauna hates her or is hiding something, it’s because she fucking loves Shauna, and Shauna fucking loves her too. It’s because the most amazing person in the world writes wonderful words for her and wants to be with her. That’s definitely tear worthy.
She barely remembers her shoes, she almost forgets the journal in her haste to get to Shauna’s house, even though she left mere minutes ago. Ever since Shauna got her driver’s license, she rarely walks to the Shipman residence, but today she runs the whole way there, desperate to see Shauna, to tell her how she feels. She needs Shauna to know, she needs her to be aware that she doesn’t have to stop being Jackie’s friend, and she can kiss her. Nothing has to change, except for the whole kissing bit.
She doesn’t even knock on the door, knowing it’s probably open. She barely greets Mrs. Shipman, nearly tearing a hole in the carpet as she runs to Shauna’s room and pushes the door open. Shauna turns her head, raising her eyes from the calculus homework she had left to do. “Jackie?” Shauna says, eyes widening, brows furrowing.
“You’re in love with me?” Jackie says, with little grace or tact.
Shauna’s shock fades into pure fear. “What?” she says, quiet, her eyes not meeting Jackie’s.
“I read your journal,” she says, “you’re in love with me.”
It leaves no room for interpretation. It’s not a question, it’s a statement.
“Jackie,” Shauna says, like she’s desperately asking not to push any further but Jackie’s not about to give up now.
“Please say you are,” Jackie says, begging, hoping Shauna realizes how real this is, “please say you’re in love with me.”
Shauna stares for just a moment, but as Jackie crosses the room, she seems to find her words. “I’m in love with you,” she says, right as Jackie plunks herself down in Shauna’s lap and pulls her face into her hands.
“I’m in love with you too,” Jackie reassures, giving Shauna no chance to speak any further, pulling her into a kiss.
As soon as their lips touch, it’s obvious how Shauna’s words hadn’t hidden her need for all of this. After getting over the initial shock, she leans right into the kiss, pressing desperately into Jackie like she’s been waiting for this her entire life. Jackie gets the feeling, and it energizes her, sending electrons twisting through every blood vessel and butterflies through every organ. She feels just as desperate as Shauna, she wants to make up for lost time, spend every minute doing this. She doesn’t want Shauna to ever have to write another depressing journal entry about her hopeless crush on Jackie, just happy ones about how she kinda has the greatest girlfriend ever.
(Don’t worry, later Jackie apologizes for reading the journal. Shauna obviously forgives her, but boundaries are set. Shauna promises she’ll tell Jackie more, and Jackie promises she won’t read Shauna’s journals, no matter how much they’re calling to her).