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“If you want me to stop, just say so,” she said, her arms around his neck, kissing him. “and I'll stop.”
The scent of her, the feel of her, the taste of her was having effects on Jackson both predictable and unexpected. And none of those effects were steering him toward saying STOP. Suddenly he realized a hunger for her that was rapidly overcoming any resistance his rational thought might put up. But part of him knew, knew that this wasn't conjured up suddenly from nowhere. This attraction to April had been part of him for a long long time, locked in shackles by his self control, by the belief that it was a betrayal of their friendship, the one personal relationship in his life he had managed to remain true to. But now the chains of his self control were crumbling and falling away. Only a small part of him remained committed to resisting this. That small part persisted because this was a bad idea. Having sex with her now, here, was a bad idea. Surely she would regret it. And that would doom their friendship. And he would lose her forever.
“I just.” Jackson tried to regain control of himself. “You're... The way you're kissing me right now...”
He closed his eyes. “You're a virgin. You're a virgin.” He said to her, reminding himself.
“Yes, because my whole life, since I was a kid, I've had this idea of how my life was supposed to be, these rules I was supposed to follow, but I'm not a kid. I'm not the same person I was when I started my residency. I just punched a guy. And it felt really good. And if something feels really really good, it can't be bad, right?”
His resistance circling the drain, he summoned up one last protest. “I... I want this so badly. I want you so badly right now, but... April, this isn't the way you want to do this. You deserve so much more. I know your dreams. This, tonight, is not that. I am too selfish, too weak, to walk away. But as your friend, I'm begging you to be stronger than me. And think really hard about doing this tonight and how you'll feel about it tomorrow.”
April's expression changed in an instant. Her beautiful smile was erased and replaced by a look of doubt. And then he recognized it, the look on her face that had torn his heart so often in the past. Rejection. He had never before been the cause of it, and to be now brought pain that was unbearable to him.
Instinctively he moved to bringer her closer, to kiss away the tears that he saw forming in the corners of those beautiful eyes. But she retreated. The hands that had moments ago been around his neck now pushed against his chest, creating space for her to turn and escape into her room.
“April..” he pleaded.
“No, you're right. Of course. It would be a big mistake” her words dripped with pain.
“Goodnight Jackson. Good luck tomorrow.” she couldn't raise her eyes to look at him as she closed the door.
“April.” he whispered again, his head against the door, wondering if something felt this bad, could it have been the right and good thing?
He paused as he brushed his teeth, looking in the mirror. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about April, and those kisses, and the way she fit against him in the hallway, the sexy way she bit her lower lip, and the red hair... Suddenly it hit him. “April frickin Kepner!” he accused the incredulous image in the mirror.
Sleep mostly eluded him that night and he felt exhausted and distracted when he took his seat in the hallway across from April the next morning. It didn't help that she barely responded to his good morning and inquiry about how she slept. In spite of him sitting just a few feet directly in front of her, she managed to avoid eye contact magnificently until she was called into her board examination.
Jackson looked for her between exam segments but could never find her. With the difficult day finally behind him, he joined the rest of the Seattle contingent. April continued to avoid him and he had no desire to press the issue with Cristina, Meredith, and Alex in such close proximity.
When their bus finally pulled up to the hospital, April was the first one off, running off to use the bathroom while the other four huddled together impatiently refreshing their phone browsers, waiting for the exam results to be posted. One by one, Jackson learned he passed, then Cristina, then Mer, then finally Alex.
They screamed, hugged, and jumped together in celebration.
“Wait, where is April?” asked Jackson. The four looked expectantly at the door as April emerged from the hospital, holding her phone. Jackson couldn't read the expression on her face. He recalled that statistically 1 in 5 fail the Boards. Unconsciously, he held his breath. Finally, April looked up from her phone and her expression was one of utter shock.
“I passed.” she whispered.
Then the five of them were screaming and jumping and hugging all together. They had beaten the odds.
The next weeks leading up to the Webber's Residents dinner seemed to see things return to normal between April and Jackson. But not quite. Any conversation between them that didn't focus on their future job decisions seemed to get interrupted before it began as April would find a way to duck out. Jackson took the hint and decided he wouldn't press her to talk about SF. What purpose would it serve anyway? Soon he would be heading elsewhere, probably Tulane. Meanwhile, April had accepted a great position at Case Western. So with them going their separate ways, why dredge up something she was obviously uncomfortable about. Besides, with a parting of the ways at hand, Jackson was more sure than ever that he had done the right and noble thing and proved a truer friend to April than even she realized at the moment. She would someday though, probably on her wedding night, he mused, and the thought made him both proud and sad.
After the unexpectedly enjoyable Residents Dinner, Alex wanted to go to Joes to see if Mer or Cristina or anyone else might have returned from their trip but April demurred. Jackson didn't feel much like going to Joes either so he offered to walk April back home and was glad when she accepted.
As they walked they made pleasant small talk and Jackson was content to just enjoy being with her. For one thing she was dressed up and Jackson acknowledged to himself that she looked beautiful. At some point she unexpectedly put her arm through his and it sent a thrill through him. What is wrong with you? But he needn't have asked. He knew. And it hit him right then that he needed to know if this woman felt the same about him as he did about her. He needed to know if SF had just been a moment or if it had been something more. He realized his life might depend on the answer.
He stopped on the deserted sidewalk and turned toward her. She turned toward him and looked up at him questioningly. He thought she had never looked more lovely. It gave him strength.
“I've got a hypothetical question for you.” he began.
She looked dubious. “You hate hypotheticals.”
“I hate throwpillows. I tolerate hypotheticals.” he replied.
“Throwpillows have so many uses..” she protested. It was an dispute borne of many years of sharing a house.
“OK, enough about throwpillows. What if...” he paused, gathering his courage.
“What if I decided not to go to Tulane? What if I decided to stay here, in Seattle?”
Caught offguard, April was clearly puzzled by this question.
“Why would you do that?” she asked.
Jackson swallowed hard.
“What if I stayed here to be with you?”
April's eyes widened.
“Wh...What?”
“What if, remember this is all hypothetical, what if you decided to stay here too?”
April stared at him like he had just grown a third eye.
“Why would I do that?” she asked.
No turning back now, Jackson thought.
“What if I told you I want to start dating you?”
“Dating?”
“Yes, you know, dating. Spending time together like that. Not just as friends. But dating, like, you know, boyfriend and girlfriend, like.” Jackson was aware he that words were just spilling rapidly out now and he sounded distressingly like a teenager but he seemed powerless to control it. Suddenly he realized he was as nervous as hell, a totally foreign concept for him.
April spent a moment digesting this before replying.
“So in this hypothetical situation, we both stay in Seattle and start dating?”
Jackson nodded.
“Like boyfriend and girlfriend?”
Again Jackson nodded.
April's expression slowly evolved from astonishment and confusion to one of curiosity. Then she gave him a clear indication that she was willing to play this game.
“What if I did stay here to date you and the dating went really really well?”
Jackson felt another little thrill go through him. Could this really work?
“Well, I suppose if the dating went really really well we would fall in love. I mean you might fall in love with me. You see, I'm already in love with you. I have been for a long time. It just took me a long time to figure it out. Hypothetically.”
April allowed a little smile to play across her face. Jackson thought she looked like she had a secret that no one else knew. She is so frickin beautiful, he thought.
April continued. “OK, so what if I did fall in love with you and you were in love with me, what then?”
“I would ask to meet your parents so I could speak to your father about his blessing. Then I would figure out an amazingly romantic way to ask you to marry me. What if I did that? What if I asked you to marry me in an amazingly romantic way?”
“How amazingly romantic?” She was teasing him now, a really good sign.
“Super amazingly romantic.” Jackson knew “super” was April's favorite superlative.
“What if I told you that before I could say yes we'd have to figure out some important things?”
Uh-Oh, Jackson thought, whats this?
“Uh, w-what things?” he asked.
“You know I'm Christian and you don't believe.” she started.
Oh crap, Jackson groaned inwardly, the God thing.
“And that's fine.” April continued. “I don't expect you to change who you are. But I can't change who I am either.”
“What if I'm totally fine with that?” asked Jackson, relieved but still wary.
“So there are still things that will come up. I want to be married by a minister for one thing.”
“Absolutely! Sure.” Jackson thought he was getting off easily.
“and I'll want to bring our children up as Christians.” she continued, looking at him intently.
“Oh.” This was a bigger issue. Finally he answered.
“It will be a little weird for me to bring my children up believing something I don't.” he answered slowly. April nodded, as though it was the answer she was expecting. She opened her mouth but Jackson cut her off.
“But, I'm willing to do this as long as you are OK with me telling the truth when they eventually ask me about what I believe and why its different than what you believe.”
Now it was April's turn to nod.
“Yes, of course. That's fair.” she answered after some consideration.
“And one other thing,” said Jackson.
April looked at him expectantly.
“On Sundays, after we go to church, can we go for waffles?”
“You'll go to church with me? With us?”
“As long as we can get waffles afterwards.”
“We can get waffles.” April conceded with a giggle. Jackson was pleased that she was so pleased. And he found himself happy that April had brought this up. He realized that this topic had the potential to be a huge landmine for them but by talking about it, they had defused it before it became too big of an issue.
“So, that takes us back to my hypothetical super amazingly romantic proposal that comes after we've figured out the important stuff.”
April was smiling again.
“Yes. What if I said yes to your super amazing romantic proposal?”
“Then we'd have this amazing wedding. We'd have your family. And my crazy mom would be there. And she'd probably bring Webber.”
“What if I wanted it in a field with butterflies and mints that said 'Mint to Be?”
“Yes, butterflies, mints, whatever you want.” Jackson was laughing now. “Everyone will be there.”
“Everyone.” April agreed. “What if we do get married in this amazing wedding?”
“We'll stand up in front of all our family and friends and promise to always love and honor each other.”
“And you aren't a person that breaks his promises. And you help friends keep theirs too.”
And Jackson knew that April understood what he had done that night in San Francisco and appreciated him for it.
“And then I'll be the happiest man on earth and on our wedding night...”
“You'll be my first.”
“You'll be my last. It will be our first and it will be amazing.” And Jackson knew it would be.
“And we'll have children and grow old together.”
“And everyone will envy us for how much we love each other.”
Both fell silent for several moments as each searched the other's face for faith and assurance that all this could really happen.
It was April that broke the silence.
“What if I asked if we could really do this? If you really want this?”
“I'd tell you, yes, we can do this. I'd tell you that I want this with all my heart.” Jackson paused as he struggled with emotions he'd never felt before.
“I'd say, April, I love you and I want to be with you every day for the rest of my life.”
The smile she gave him melted away all his fear and lit every corner of his being.
“What if I asked you to kiss me now?” she asked.
Jackson made sure she didn't have to ask twice.
As they kissed he realized that hypotheticals had now become his favorite thing. Throwpillows, still not so much.