Archive of Our Own

“You bought quills and bottles of ink again?”

Chanyeol looks at his husband. He nods and gives him a weary smile, then he turns back to continue what he was doing. He sorts out the quills according to their appearance; from smallest to largest, and from white, to gray, to a pleasing hue of black. When he was satisfied with the quills, he arranges the inkwells in the same manner, not forgetting to hold them carefully as if he’s holding his own child. He takes a step back to appreciate the beauty presented in front of him.

With a smile etched on his face, Chanyeol releases a deep breath. He was almost jealous. His collection may be the only thing in his life that is neat and organized. But his smile disappears when he sees his reflection mirrored by the inkwells, staring back at him as if to show him how hideous and miserable he looks like; its eyes scrutinizing the surfacing flaws that he would never be able to hide and it’s making him feel small.

Breathing out a croaked and inaudible no, he finds himself nearing again towards the empty inkwells. He should have known that he can’t stare at them—that he shouldn’t stare at them. His image is tainting their beauty. He doesn’t deserve to see himself in them.

No, that should be removed.

I should wipe it off… Maybe I could wipe it off…

Kyungsoo, who is still standing behind him, thinks it’s weird but he doesn’t say anything. Who even uses quills as a pen today? Who even writes a handwritten letter these days? He doesn’t know the reason why Chanyeol likes buying those things, he never saw his husband use them.

And if he does use them to write letters, his why’s would be turned to how’s, because even if you have tons of quills and inkwells, you just can’t simply write without using ink.

Right?

Chanyeol buys inkwells, but those were never filled with inks. So how?

He never gets an answer when he asks, but maybe he can try again, “Chan, seriously, why do you keep on—“

“Soo, there’s nothing bad with having a collection, right?”

And he knows that it was his cue to remain quiet.

Years of being married with Chanyeol, Kyungsoo is still not comfortable with his husband buying those things. Sure, it was harmless, and everyone has their own addiction. He also has his own anyway. But he feels like it wasn’t just pure liking towards those things that keeps Chanyeol on collecting more and more.

He knows that the idea is funny and he almost laughed at it if it wasn’t just suspicious at some point.

“Ah!” Chanyeol winces out of the blue, eyes shut tight and his body unconsciously crouching down slowly as he puts his right hand over his left wrist that’s being covered by his sleeves.

Kyungsoo snaps out of his trance when he hears his husband, “Hey, what happened?”

He was about to take a step towards Chanyeol when the latter raises his hand, telling him not to go near him, “I’m—I’m fine, Soo.”

Kyungsoo wasn’t even hurt by the subtle rejection, and neither does he have to ask for he knows what is under that exaggeratingly long sleeve.

(But not the reason why they exist.)

Kyungsoo thinks that Chanyeol is stupid. Did he really think he can hide those cuts and scars from him when they’re living together under the same roof and sleeping beside each other on the same bed?

But who is he to speak when he’s just as stupid as Chanyeol?

As he watches the man he knows so well—but at the same time he doesn’t—blow the nonexistent dust off his inkwells and wipe them with his sleeves with his brows furrowed, his whole self finally agrees with his skeptical mind that there truly is something more behind it that Chanyeol isn’t telling him, and he isn’t sure if he even wants to know it.

“Alright,” Kyungsoo sighs and shakes his head, “I’m going to bed. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

It is when all he received from Chanyeol is a hum of approval that he can’t stop himself anymore from asking why is it that the harder he tries to reach out, the farther his husband gets?

It feels like being five again because Kyungsoo feels like he’s in a losing game of hide-and-seek that he has never even wanted to play.

And he just hopes that he won’t get tired of finding and seeking out for a husband that is seemingly there.

Read when you don’t have the chance to write.

dear baekhyun-ah,

nothing new happened today. it’s pretty much the same as yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and every waking day without you. but i promise you it’s not boring! i’m not boring! i am not. i am not boring you out… right?

i went to the mall to buy adhesive bandages and antiseptics after my shift. oh! and i bought quill pens too! i don’t want to write you a letter using the same pen that i’ve already used on the previous letter i had sent you because i remember that time you went on about how some things just go as they were, and i don’t want you to get bored of me so i change it every day. i didn’t make a mess when i refilled the inkwells! and i didn’t forget to hide the filled ones from kyungsoo as well. woah that rhymed haha don’t mind me please i just really miss you so much.

do you remember when you told me that you love receiving letters because they worth more than expensive things? well i still do, and i think that’s why i love writing you letters. i don’t care if i still have to buy the materials all the time. nothing could ever worth more than you, baek.

Chanyeol stares at the man who is also currently staring at the small wall-mounted display cabinet in their living room, “Why do you keep on buying plucked feathers and empty bottles of ink?”

Baekhyun heaves a sigh, “They’re called quills and inkwells, Yeol.” Although he didn’t turn to look at him, he knows that the smaller is smiling because his words were drenched with glee, “And I bought them because I will use them…?”

Chanyeol chuckles at Baekhyun’s adorable—in Chanyeol’s opinion—attempt at being sarcastic, “Of course. But have you heard of the thing called electronic mail? The use of beagle’s feathers for writing is like hundreds and thousands of years ago.”

Baekhyun blinks, “Do beagles even have feathers?”

Chanyeol blinks at him too, and tries his hardest not to blush from embarrassment, “I said eagle, Baek. Eagles do have feathers.”

“Okay.”

“I said eagle, Baek!”

“But I never said you didn’t.” Baekhyun winks at him then turns to the cabinet to get a quill pen and lets out a sigh, “Emails are mainstream. A handwritten letter is a better way of sending messages, don’t you think? It’s much better at conveying feelings because it feels more…“ He trails off while caressing the feather with his thumb, “…real.”

i wish i could have told you that you were right, they’re truer than texts and emails could ever be because whenever i see those letters you’ve written years ago, i know they were real—that we were real. it was once chanyeol and baekhyun, and not chanyeol and kyungsoo.

i’d give up everything to make it real again, baek. but i guess we can’t go back to how we once were now, can we? i’m sorry for being so stupid…

Chanyeol was taken aback. Baekhyun opening up and voicing out his thoughts hardly ever happens because he says it’s only for girls to do, so he tries to test the waters and continues to push Baekhyun into verbalizing his opinions more, “Being a romanticist now, aren’t we, Byun Baekhyun? I wonder what differences they have that you can’t appreciate the former.”

Chanyeol is not a fan of romance. But that doesn’t mean he hates it though, he just really doesn’t like the idea of being all sweet and giggly towards someone you love to show them how you feel. He thinks it is plain stupid for people to believe in an unspoken rule like that; that not being overly affectionate meant you’re either bored with your relationship or you’re not really serious about them but you agreed to date them just for the sake of entertainment. Is it really supposed to be like that?

For Chanyeol, a relationship does not work like that—it should not work like that. There shouldn’t be a need to buy them materials to keep them in company; it should be the need to be by their side every time if possible. There shouldn’t be a need to force a smile whenever you’re with them; it should be the need of their presence to make you happy. There shouldn’t be a need to say you love them, but the need to make them feel your love for them because that’s really how it’s supposed to be, right?

Because even if those three words are always said and heard too much, how could you be so sure that they were really enough?

Baekhyun scoffs at what he said but still replies to it, “It’s not that I don’t appreciate messages of any kind, too. It’s just that I appreciate these kinds of things more. Because in letters, you write what you can’t say. You can pour your feelings out without holding back because you know you won’t stutter and you won’t be there to see their reactions, may it be good or not. You just simply let yourself be exposed as much as you want, and for me, a heart that bleeds affection on things you can hold with your bare hands has much more meaning than empty promises of love and happiness spoken by someone’s mouth. What about you, Yeol?”

back then, you talked about loving someone like it’s the easiest thing to do—like love is the easiest thing to understand. i’m sorry, but i have to disagree with you this time. i also thought it was simple, because loving you hadn’t felt like a task; it was never hard. but now it wasn’t, baek. the only thing that made it so easy for me was you, and now that i’ve lost you, i just realized that it never was.

Apparently, Baekhyun thinks otherwise. Unlike Chanyeol, he still needs the use of words for reassurance, but he somehow agrees with him at some point, so he answers, “Hm, I think rather than “empty promises of love and happiness” from them, I’d like it better if they will just show it through their actions. The things that they’re willing to do for the both of you would mean how much risk they’re willing to invest in the relationship. I mean, them staying by your side whenever you need them is more assuring than them saying they will never leave you, right?”

i remember telling you how i want a relationship to be. but now, i don’t care anymore, baek. i don’t care how you’d make it work nor would i even care if i’m the only one willing and trying to make it work. just please, if you could just give me a chance, i’d be more careful. i’d hold you so tight even if you can’t breathe just to make sure that you won’t slip away from my grasp. i won’t make the same mistakes again. i’d never let you go...

He looks at Baekhyun and gives him a shy smile. Baekhyun, in return, gives him a pleased smile, as if he’s proud of Chanyeol for finally putting his judgments into words. Like Baekhyun, he is also not fond of speaking his thoughts loudly because he thinks that it doesn’t even matter what he thinks about something, so why would he say it out loud?

He had never imagined that he would actually share his opinions, particularly about things he finds silly such as this. Especially not to Baekhyun.

have you been writing recently? please tell me you’re not, since i’m not receiving any letters from you. please, don’t write letters to anyone. you promised me you that would only write to me, baek. please don’t make me stop holding onto it…

Realization suddenly hits him and his heart starts beating wildly that his chest hurts. Why are they talking about things like this—why is Baekhyun talking about things like this? Why were his eyes sparkling when he was explaining earlier? Why is Baekhyun so eager on writing letters?

Why is he suddenly acting like he’s… in love?

Chanyeol feels his lips trembling with nervousness as he asks, “Who—who are you writing letters for?”

please, only write to me.

And in the sweet sadness in Baekhyun’s eyes, Chanyeol found the assurance he doesn’t know he’s been looking for, “For the only person I’ve ever loved.”

please, only write for me.

Read when you want to run away.

dear baekhyunnie,

kyungsoo was out on a business meeting since yesterday until the end of the week, and i don’t know why not having him around makes me feel at ease. maybe it’s because i can finally sleep at night with your picture in my hand, and that’s exactly what i did last night. i’m sorry. i don’t intend to be creepy. i just really want to be with you.

do you want to know what picture is it? it was a picture of you in a yellow chicken costume that sehun took during jongin’s birthday back then in our college days. yes, i still remember it. how could i forget the most memorable day of my life?

“I said no one’s getting drunk and that’s final!”

Chanyeol hears a series of dramatic “no’s” and “you suck junmyeon hyung’s” from Jongin and Sehun, who are seated beside him on the floor. Meanwhile, Zitao whispers a barely audible “accept that you’re old junmyeon” while secretly taking a sip from a can that suspiciously looks like beer which didn’t go unnoticed by him.

When he lifts his head back to Junmyeon just to see him lecturing the two about a pyramid that’s not made of beer or something, he comes to a decision that he doesn’t really care and he goes back to taking pictures of himself.

As he scans the photo he recently took and decides that the v sign would’ve looked better if he placed it above his right cheek and not above his right eye, he hears Jongin asking Sehun, “What is a food pyramid? Is it some kind of a lunch box with free food inside?”

Chanyeol can almost hear Sehun rolling his eyes as he answers, “Maybe it’s what they call the trays back then in Ancient Egypt.”

it was so boring when you weren’t there yet. i remember annoying you by texting you every second just because i don’t have anything to do. did it really annoy you, baek? is that why you’re not sending me any messages anymore? i’m sorry. i just really get excited when i’m talking to you. but i changed, baek! i changed! i promise i don’t talk too much anymore! so please, please, talk to me. i miss you so much.

Chanyeol groans, “Ugh, why aren’t they here yet?” he whispers to himself, and then he decides to text his best friend so he opens his messaging app.

To: (My) Baekachu<3

baek!!! r u guys there yet?? ಠoಠ [Sent, 4:15 pm]

To: (My) Baekachu<3

baekhyunnie~ ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つwuts takin u guys so long?? TT_TT im so booOOooOooOored!!! (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) [Sent, 4:15 pm]

To: (My) Baekachu<3

(；一_一) r u still w8ing 4 mseok hyung? classes r over an hour ago ryt??? im dying here u shud do smth ಠ~ಠ [Sent, 4:15 pm]

Baekhyun usually replies to him within a minute, why is he taking so long?

To: (My) Baekachu<3

╚(ಠ_ಠ)=┐yo, i am ur best friend, i don’t deserve 2 be ignored!!! ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) [Sent, 4:16 pm]

Best friend. He’s sure that Baekhyun sees him as one, but does he?

Chanyeol sighs. If he were to be honest, he’s not really satisfied with being just his best friend. It’s worthless to deny the fact that he wants something more out of the relationship that he has with Baekhyun.

Or perhaps not; maybe he doesn’t want more. Maybe he wants every single goddamn thing that he could have from Baekhyun. Yes. He wants all of Baekhyun’s smiles and laughter and sadness and tears—everything—to be only directed to him. God, Baekhyun would never understand how he makes Chanyeol’s days complete just by seeing how his eyes crinkle into slits and form into tiny moon-like crescents whenever he smiles that stupid rectangular grin of his. Baekhyun would never understand how staring at his phone’s wallpaper of him and Baekhyun for hours whenever he’s restless can keep all the monsters residing inside his head away and put him to sleep.

He will never know how his simple “Chanyeol-ah” can make his heart beat wildly, but effectively putting his mind at rest at the same time. He will never know that he’s the reason behind Chanyeol’s unshed tears and unheard pleas at nights when they would fight or when Chanyeol does something stupid and Baekhyun will avoid him because of it.

Baekhyun will never know because Chanyeol is nothing but a selfish coward; possessive over something he does not even possess. And Baekhyun is so, so, selfless that he can’t help but think if he would give himself to Chanyeol without a second thought if he asks for him.

From: (My) Baekachu<3

Sorry, Minseok hyung wanted to buy that little circle white dough and we got stuck in line and I made him act pregnant to be prioritized. It’s a shame, really, they almost believed us. If he only looked more feminine. [Received, 4:25 pm]

From: (My) Baekachu<3

And we’re almost there so please, do not reply to this anymore, you’re making me question my decisions in life. You’re getting a dictionary for your birthday. I know I’m the best, you’re always welcome. [Received, 4:25 pm]

Baekhyun’s reply made him giggle that he didn’t see Zitao blink a couple of times and neither did he hear him ask to no one in particular if—“Did Chanyeol just giggle? What the fuck he sounded like a drowning old man.”

To: (My) Baekachu<3

(づ￣ ³￣)づoh shut up u wuv me ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°) and of course i’ll reply because i love you too.

After hitting the send button, it’s only then that Chanyeol realized he’s being obvious if the way he typed the last four words so legibly isn’t indicating anything.

Of course it isn’t. It’s Baekhyun, and that guy couldn’t get any denser.

On the other hand, where two teenagers lie on the floor, Chanyeol hears Jongin hum at Sehun’s answer, “Oh. I see. You’re really smart, Sehun!”

What he heard made him stop what he’s doing and he lifts his head up. Not being the greatest hyung in the room, he isn’t sure whether he wants to save Jongin’s poor soul or to ask why Junmyeon suddenly disappeared.

He hears a choking sound so he turns to look at Zitao who’s wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “Gross.”

Zitao raises a thumbs-up towards him, “I’m fine, man, you don’t have to worry.”

“Since when did I ever worry about your sorry ass?” Chanyeol retorts, and squints at the can Zitao is holding, “And is that beer?”

“What—no—“

“Who’s drinking beer?!” Junmyeon appears from the kitchen with a phone at hand.

Jongin’s ears perk up and he also turns to look at Zitao, “Who said beer—“

“Calm down y’all,” Zitao cuts him off, “it’s just root beer. For fuck’s sake, Junmyeon, get that stick or whatever shit you have out of your ass and stop being such a mother.”

Junmyeon lets out a fake gasp, and he was about to answer back when the doorbell rings.

Clapping his hands, he squeals, “They’re here!”

then you and minseok hyung came, wearing funny-looking chicken costumes. i’ve never imagined you doing that because you’ve told me before that you don’t like to be seen as cute because you’re masculine, but you gave it up and still did it for jongin. and i couldn’t fall for you any deeper because i’ve already hit the ground.

The door reveals a beaming Baekhyun and a not so amused Minseok in a yellow-colored chicken costume holding a birthday cake.

The “costume” seems to be made out of a cardboard box forcedly shaped into a circle with what seems like Oreos glued on front which (maybe) serve as its eyes, and two carrots that are taped parallel to each other were placed horizontally just below the cookies to maybe resemble a beak. The idea was just hilariously stupid.

All Chanyeol sees are gumballs instead of chickens.

you didn’t even look like one, baek. you look like those gumballs that you’d always get me whenever we stop by at the candy store. do you still remember that? you’d always secretly put a jar of gumballs in my bag just because you know that i love them. ah, i’ve missed those. buy me one if we see each other, just like the old times. okay?

He doesn’t do anything but stare at that one particular chicken—gumball—in front of him and gushes over Baekhyun’s cuteness secretly in his mind. The others are not any better, though. Jongin has his jaws dropped, Zitao grimaces in disgust and out of secondhand embarrassment, Sehun’s face remained blank, but he raises his phone to get a picture of the two, and then there’s Junmyeon: smiling like a proud mom that he is who had sent his sons off to kindergarten for the first time.

“Bok bok bok bok bok bok,” Baekhyun starts singing to the tune of Happy Birthday, then turns to Minseok, ”Come on, Hyung, you had one job.”

Minseok rolls his eyes and started singing monotonously, “Bok bok bok fucking bok.”

Then the loving brother of the birthday boy, Junmyeon, joins them, “Happy birthday Jonginnie, happy birthday to you~”

Silence surrounds them for a minute, then Jongin starts laughing, “Hyung—fuck—why—“ He starts cackling in a pitch that none of them ever knew his voice could reach.

Junmyeon smiles, “I know how much you love chicken, but buying a real one is not really practical, so…”

Jongin blows the candles on top of the cake and puts his arm around his older brother’s shoulder, “Baekhyun hyung and Minseok hyung in a chicken costume. It’s been one of my childhood dreams, Hyung.” He pulls his brother in for a one-armed hug, “You’re the best. I love you so much.”

Zitao blinks, “I didn’t just hear that, and I also didn’t just see this. I’m just standing here and I didn’t know anything.”

Sehun laughs inwardly, “Feels like I’m watching a k-drama.”

Chanyeol stares at the thing Baekhyun is clutching with his left arm, “Baek, is that a…”

“Yes.” It’s Minseok who answers him with a sigh, “It’s a traffic cone. I don’t know how he managed to actually get that, but let’s just pray for my driver’s license.”

oh, and i still remember the traffic cone that you once stole. it was a reckless thing to do. but for me, it was fearless—you are fearless. you are late night skinny dipping in the middle of winter. you are unplanned dates and sudden road trips. you are a cliff that i’m willing to jump off. you are everything i wish i didn’t let go of.

“Well, hehe.” Baekhyun laughs nervously and rubs the back of his neck, “You see, we were running late because of those balls of flour and I don’t have a party hat yet. Luckily, there were no police patrolling around so Hyung’s license was safe. Plus, he doesn’t want one anyway so it was an easy task.”

And Chanyeol still stares at Baekhyun while questioning his decisions in life. He shakes his head and smiles, who is he kidding? Dork and Stupid Baekhyun is probably his most favorite Baekhyun, followed by Overly Manly Baekhyun.

He's proud to say that he knows many sides of Baekhyun. There’s Dumbass Baekhyun, Sleepy Baekhyun, Cuddly Baekhyun, Fluffy Baekhyun, Asshole Baekhyun, and Stone Baekhyun. The last one would be his least favorite, because it is when he can’t read Baekhyun’s expressions at all. He doesn’t know if he’s sad or angry or both and he won’t ever know because Baekhyun won’t ever tell him.

“I’m thankful guys, really.” Jongin starts, smiling at everyone in the room, “But may I ask for one last gift from Baekhyun hyung?”

Baekhyun snaps his head towards Jongin, “Me?” He sighs when the latter nods, putting the traffic cone down, “Fine, birthday boy. What is it?”

Jongin smiles, “I want you to be finally happy, Hyung, I want you to be with your happiness.”

i also remember jongin telling you to be happy. i was so scared that time that i wanted to cry on the spot. why? because you are so perfect, byun baekhyun. you are so, so, perfect and how i wish i could have been born perfect for you too so i can be that happiness—your happiness. but how could i be when even with all these imperfections, all i ever do is hurt you? i am never worthy of you, i have never been and i never will be, and i’m sorry for still taking what i know i don’t deserve. please forgive me, baek. i’m sorry.

What Jongin was talking about, Chanyeol isn’t sure if he would want to know. And he doesn’t like what he’s seeing, too. He doesn’t like the way Baekhyun’s eyes sparkled with anxiety and hope after Jongin said it, like he’s been wanting to do it for a long time and now he has been given the signal to. He doesn’t like the way Baekhyun’s fists curl and uncurl as if longing to hold something and make it his.

But most of all, he doesn’t like how he could read Baekhyun easily, because it hurts.

Why? What does Jongin mean? Baekhyun was, and is still, happy, right? His smiles and laughs are real, Chanyeol’s so sure with that. So what are they talking about? Had he been sad lately? Had he been hurting? And if he wasn’t truly happy, why wasn’t he telling anything to Chanyeol? Did he think that Chanyeol couldn’t do anything about it, even just to cheer him up a bit? Is it really that important that even Chanyeol couldn’t be of any help?

What is it that had lightened up Baekhyun’s eyes? What is that happiness that they say Baekhyun doesn’t have?

Or rather, who is that happiness and why can’t that be just him?

He’s starting to feel nauseous with all the thoughts simultaneously running inside his head. He could already feel that bitter taste at the back of his throat which seems to automatically find its place whenever he hears this kind of topic, especially when Baekhyun is involved. Jongin said it here, so the person must be here. It’s definitely not Zitao, he’s too clingy for his taste; and neither is Sehun, the only thing that he has in common with a girl is his bitch face.

Is it Junmyeon, because he’s all graceful and neat and he’s basically everyone’s ideal partner? Or maybe it’s Minseok, because his face is undeniably pretty for a guy and—

“Hey, Yeol.”

Baekhyun starts walking towards him and he doesn’t know what to feel. His breath is slowly leaving him and it feels like a garden of roses full of thorns is filling his lungs and replacing his supply of oxygen. His mind is throbbing madly and his heart is pounding outrageously in his chest. Why is Baekhyun walking towards his way? Why is he going to him?

Chanyeol’s feet are stuck on its place when Baekhyun stopped in front of him. He lowers his head because he doesn’t think he could manage to see Baekhyun’s face right now. What if Baekhyun would confess to him who that person is? It’s possible. Of course, he’s the best friend; and of course, Baekhyun would think that he deserves to know first. He’s not yet ready, and maybe he will never be.

His eyes fall on Baekhyun’s left hand that is curled into a fist, indicating his nervousness. If Baekhyun will confess now, he will definitely miss the way those fingers thread through his hair. He will miss the thumb that is always ready to wipe his tears away, the index finger that would always poke his sides to make him laugh, and that pinky finger where he locks his own onto whenever they seal their deals and keep their promises.

Baekhyun’s hands are beautiful, almost like a girl’s; long, slender fingers that are perfectly shaped for playing the piano. Then there are his hands: stubby, rough and calloused caused by years of playing the guitar. He can’t help but to think; would they look good intertwined? Would they fit each other? Would they? Would we?

His gaze locks on the elder’s middle finger. He never knew the reason why Baekhyun had put two identical rings on it. It doesn’t really look like an engagement ring, which he is relieved for aside from the fact that no one owns the other pair yet because at least he’s sure that Baekhyun still doesn’t have anyone in mind that he’s going to spend the rest of his life with, but he knows it holds so much meaning for Baekhyun.

The elder would just smile at him when he asks. But maybe he’s getting an answer now, and it honestly terrifies him.

God, just this time, can he let his hopes wash over him and think that he’s the one who’s going to wear the other pair?

“If…” Baekhyun chews on his lower lip nervously, and then he removes the other pair of ring around his finger, “If nothing lasts forever…”

Chanyeol is at loss of words when Baekhyun smiles at him before suddenly kneeling on one knee, but the costume made him lose his balance so he ends up kneeling on both knees, making it look like he is worshipping him, “…then will you be my nothing?”

“Uh, is he asking Chanyeol out or is he proposing to him?”

“No, you stupid, he’s just sappily asking him to be his boyfriend.”

“What is this another k-drama shit.”

“Shut the fuck up, Baekhyun hyung would be waiting for him at the end of the aisle either way.”

Just then, Chanyeol lets his tears flow out of his eyes freely. He cries, because the beauty of the ring presented in front of him is being emphasized by the light coming from the window near them and it looks like it is glowing. He cries, because the man in front of him is so, so, so beautiful—so ethereal.

He cries, because Baekhyun is an exquisite form of self-construction, willing and ready to fix the fragments of his broken self back to symmetry, even if he gets cut by the edges of Chanyeol’s shattered pieces. He cries, because the man kneeling before him is worth crying for—because he’s worth everything that he could ever offer him.

you were there, making all of my dreams happen in front of my eyes. and i was there too, relishing in the happiness that i don’t even deserve to have from you. and i was so selfish, to have thought that i actually deserve a happy ending with you. i was so selfish, to have kept on insisting that you deserve me because i’ve always known that i don’t deserve you.

and i was so stupid, to have thrown away something that i couldn’t even have had in the first place. i am so stupid to let you go just to desperately want you back.

Chanyeol’s quietness made Baekhyun uneasy so he slowly lowers down the hand that’s holding the ring and started fidgeting with it, “Please stop crying—I’m not forcing you to—well, I—uh, forget it.“ Baekhyun lowers his head and holds the ring tightly in his palms while muttering something like “Kim Jongin you piece of brown, watery shit”

you’ve wanted me to be your nothing although i’m already nothing at all. thank you, for giving this nothing a chance to experience all the things he wouldn’t have ever known; all the joy and happiness he wouldn’t have ever felt. thank you, for thinking that this nothing deserves your everything.

Baekhyun was about to stand up when Chanyeol finally speaks, “If I—If I’d b-be your n-nothing… can you—“ Chanyeol chokes his sobs back and exhales shakily, “w-would you promise me that you will never run away from everything and leave me b-behind?”

but… if this would be the time that you would want to run away from everything, will you still offer your hand? will you still bring me with you? will you still want to be with me?

“No,” Baekhyun breaks into a dazzling smile that never fails to make his knees weak, and he selfishly wants that smile to be only for him, “Because then, I would bring you with me…”

because i’d gladly take your hand then, baek. and together, we would run away from all of this—from all of my mistakes and from all of the things you truly deserve. we would run away with nothing in hand, nothing but my hand in yours and yours in mine.

it was all i ever needed and i’ve only realized it just now: me and you, running away from everything together, forever.

“Because then, we would run away together… forever...”

Read when you remember how perfect it could have been.

dear baekhyun,

today, i woke up with tears soaking my pillow and pain engulfing my heart.

kyungsoo was there when i woke up, hugging me and kissing my tears away. it’s alright, he said. he said that it was just a dream. but he doesn’t understand because he doesn’t know anything. how i wish it was all just a dream. but it wasn’t and it will never be, because it was a memory; a memory that i will never want to remember. a memory that i so badly want you to forget—if you still even remember what we had.

it was a memory of when i started to drift away from you. it was a memory of how we started falling apart.

“So, are you guys ready?” Baekhyun asks loudly as he sits on the marble floor, clutching a book in hand.

Chanyeol leans on the doorframe as he looks at the children lying down on their own beds with expectant eyes that are twinkling with excitement while looking at Baekhyun. All of them had answered Baekhyun with a cheerful “yes” in return, causing Baekhyun to finally open the book that he’s holding.

“Alright,” Baekhyun laughs quietly, tinting every little girl’s pair of cheeks who has their eyes set on him with an amusing hint of pink, “Since we can’t stay here for too long, I’ll just read a poem today. Does anyone here know “The Giving Tree”?”

there was this hospital that you loved going to. every week, you’ve never failed to visit the children admitted in there to read them books and play with them. one day, you asked me if i want to come with you because i kept on asking you what was so fascinating with reading children’s books to young cancer patients in that hospital. at first, i didn’t want to, because i don’t like hospitals. but you said i’ll only know the answer if i’d go with you and so i did. and true to your words, i found out the reason why as soon as you started reading.

Baekhyun smiles widely when the children shake their heads, “Hm, just as I thought. Let’s start!“ His eyes land on the first page and he starts reading, “Once there was a tree, and she loved a little boy…”

because of their illness, they have to be in the hospital for probably the rest of their lives. instead of meeting new people, they meet new nurses and doctors. instead of staring at starry skies, all they could ever stare at is a dull white ceiling. they will never be able to know what the life outside the hospital has to offer, yet you make it happen through the books you read to them and your stories that you gladly share. they can’t have the world in their hands so you hold it for them instead.

it’s funny; my imbecile self, that is. you made me see and learn new things. you made me experience sheer perfection and i was so stupid to return the favor with desertion.

No lights were turned on, but the place is not entirely dark since it’s 10 o’clock in the morning and the sun’s blinding rays pass through the open windows of the room. The place is not as sickening as it’s supposed to be for Chanyeol, and that was something new since he has always hated hospitals. He hated how the white-colored walls are so plain and how the doctors’ faces are so blank even with their masks off. For Chanyeol, hospitals, despite having hundreds and thousands of patients every minute, seem so empty. And he hates it because it seems like it’s mocking him; that he’s just like them. He doesn’t have anything to give because he’s empty. Empty. Useless. Worthless.

But it’s okay, he thinks, because even if his importance is that of nothing, he is Baekhyun’s nothing. And he wouldn’t want to be anything in this world if he wouldn’t be Baekhyun’s.

i remember it was morning when we went there. i wasn’t entirely comfortable at first because hell, i’m in a hospital, but it didn’t turn out as terrible as i thought it would be. haha! when am i ever right anyway?

did you know that you were my light, baek? way back then, you always shine brighter than anything in my eyes. but at that moment, i didn’t know how and why the hospital’s dim lights and the sun’s rays that were pouring from the window seemed to outshone your radiance…

and yet again, you suddenly seem to shine brighter than anyone and anything i know. once again, my eyes are yearning to see even just an ounce of your light for the last time.

“Excuse me… um, Chanyeol hyung, right?” A tiny voice suddenly interrupts him from listening to Baekhyun. He looks down and sees a little boy with an auburn-colored hair clutching at the end of his shirt, “You… y-you could sit down on my bed.” He even pats the space beside him for emphasis.

Chanyeol smiles, “Really?”

At the sound of his boyfriend’s voice, Baekhyun stops reading for awhile to look at Chanyeol.

The little boy nods his head, “Yes.”

Chanyeol turns his head towards Baekhyun who just gives him an encouraging smile.

“Oh, so you guys don’t hate me anymore?” Chanyeol asks with a hint of teasing in his voice.

“We don’t hate you anymore, oppa,” it’s the little girl whose bed is where Baekhyun is sitting on who answers him, “as long as you share Baekhyun oppa with us.”

“Of course,” Chanyeol laughs quietly, and decided to tease them more, “but that doesn’t mean you guys can marry him.”

“Whyyy?!”

“Nooo!”

i remember them getting mad at me when you introduced me as your boyfriend, yet after a little while, they learned to accept me as long as i “share you with them.” and i remember myself answering, “of course, but that doesn’t mean you guys can marry him.”

i find this funny, too. why? because it seems like none of us can actually marry you. not even me.

Baekhyun laughs with Chanyeol as he watches the kids whine and sulk. This is why the kids hate Chanyeol, he thinks as he shakes his head, “Okay, that’s enough. Don’t mind that giant oaf in the corner and let’s continue this, shall we?”

“Hey!” Chanyeol calls jokingly from his place, “who are you calling a giant oaf!”

Baekhyun makes a heart with his thumb and index finger and raises his hand facing Chanyeol’s way and continues to read, “I am too big to climb and play, said the boy. I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money.” he pauses to flip the page, "I'm sorry, said the tree, but I have no money. I have only leaves and apples. Take my apples, boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy.”

Chanyeol just stares at Baekhyun as he reads, and just like that, he had felt something change within him.

He doesn’t understand. If this was before, he would say that he wants to be the tree. So in that way, he could give his everything to Baekhyun just like the tree because he’s sappy like that. But why is he feeling now that he would never want to be the tree? Why is he feeling now that he would never want to give every little thing he has just for one person—just for Baekhyun himself—despite saying earlier that he is nothing and has nothing to give?

If this would be the time that he would doubt his love for Baekhyun, then he wants to stop what he’s feeling right now. His nonsense thoughts could not destroy those 4 years he has built with Baekhyun, because even at such a young age, he already knew that that was what he wanted. He already knew that to have the same surname as Baekhyun is his biggest dream since he was 7. To wear a ring that is identical to the ring that would someday be placed on Baekhyun’s finger was his childhood fantasy that he had brought with him until 18, and even after.

He was so sure before. And now that he has Baekhyun and he already have had his future planned all along, what happened to him?

the story was about a tree who loved a human, right? the tree loved the boy so much that it was ready to offer everything just to make the boy happy. you didn’t have the chance to finish it, though. so what had happened then, baek? he always leaves the tree behind, right? but did he come back? did he learn to love the tree back? if i come back to you, would you accept me? can you still love me back?

could you please… love me again?

Chanyeol still stares at Baekhyun, “I want a house to keep me warm, he said. I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?” A pause, “I have no house, said the tree. The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy. And so the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house...”

Can I do that? is what he asks in his mind after hearing what Baekhyun had read. Can he offer that much of himself to Baekhyun if ever the latter would only leave him just like that? Can he offer that much if he knows that the person who he wants to be happy is doing this to make another person that would not be him happy as well?

Can he?

the story had made me ask myself if i can do what the tree did, but i don’t remember what i’ve answered. if i will ask myself that question this time, the answer would be so simple: i can’t. because i am your nothing, and i still am. i don’t have anything to give, that’s why i can’t. but that doesn’t mean i can’t try. right, baek? i can try to make you smile and laugh, right? i can try to be the reason behind them, right? and you can try for me too, right?

“…and the tree was happy.”

No. It should be: “and the tree was stupid.” And the story is stupid and hypocritical in his opinion because who in their right mind would break their selves to offer every little thing they had left to a person who’s completely intact, and be happy about it?

Wouldn’t they rather be the one unbroken instead of the one who’s breaking?

His mind could not find an answer, and his hypocritical self could not, or rather, does not want to answer his question, either.

i’ll keep trying. i will try and try until i finally do it right, and i don’t care if i break because of trying because i finally found the right answer to myself after all these years.

i would rather be the one breaking as long as it’s you who i’ll be breaking for.

The sound of Baekhyun’s phone ringing brought his reading to an abrupt halt. All of them faced their heads towards Baekhyun who has an apologetic smile on his face, “I’m sorry, my little bacons. We have to go now.”

Chanyeol stands up the same time as Baekhyun while the latter kept on talking, “Don’t forget your meds and eat a lot so you guys will get discharged soon, okay?”

He slightly shakes his head. Does Baekhyun always say this before leaving? They are cancer patients, and Chanyeol has never heard of a cure for it. Raising their hopes up would just be plainly rude. Yes, it’s given that they’re still kids, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re dying and that they deserve to have their eyes opened by now.

Biting his tongue, he couldn’t help but ask why he’s acting like a heartless person that he said he has never wanted to be.

He pokes Baekhyun on the shoulder to get his attention, “I’ll just wait for you outside.” He knows that Baekhyun will still give the kids their weekly supply of forehead kisses, and he also knows that the kids don’t want him there for “stealing their oppa”.

Since they got together 4 years ago, this was the first time that Baekhyun brought him here with him. Baekhyun knows how much he hated hospitals, and he’s grateful that Baekhyun understands although his reason is irrational.

He hated hospitals because his mother died in one of those.

It was a case of hit-and-run, they said. He was in the middle of his Math class back in 4th grade when he was suddenly excused by his father. He still remembers how his father looked. He was sweating madly, his hair messy and suit crumpled unlike how it was before he went off to work earlier that morning. He still remembers how he fumbled with his car keys while muttering his mother’s name over and over again as he sat on the passenger seat with a clue that he doesn’t want to believe in just yet.

He still remembers how fast they’ve run to the emergency room just for the doctor to tell them the exact time of her death, which would have had been a bit bearable if the way he had spoken wasn’t just so casual and heartless. He still remembers how the white walls of every floor had stared back at him as if they were mocking him. He still remembers everything.

His reason doesn’t make any sense anymore at this point of time, but Baekhyun, his ever-so-thoughtful-and-considerate-and-just-everything-he-has-always-wanted boyfriend Baekhyun, doesn’t need it to be reasonable to understand Chanyeol.

Sitting on one of those plastic chairs that are placed in the pediatric ward, Chanyeol released a deep sigh. He tries his best to keep his mind blank as he doesn’t want any more ideas like earlier to get into it. It would be unfair for Baekhyun. Here he is, thinking that Baekhyun isn’t worth his efforts while—

“Hey, is there something wrong?”

—while there Baekhyun is; kneeling in front of him, cradling his face oh-so-gently in his delicate but strong hands as if he’s the most fragile thing that deserves to be valued so much, brushing his thumb lovingly on his left cheek, and worriedly asking him what’s wrong.

i remember waiting for you outside to finish giving your goodbyes to the children. while i was struggling to keep the demons away from my head, you came to me and asked if there was something wrong. i said there was none. but yes, baek, there is. there is something wrong, and i was that something. i was wrong and i still am, and the cruel truth that i will never be right for you hurts so much.

“Nothing, Baek.” he forces a smile, and if Baekhyun noticed how fake it looked, he decides to just smile back. Please, let everything be alright…

“Baekhyun!”

An unfamiliar voice called Baekhyun’s name, and he turns his head to see who it was.

“Hey! I told you to wait for us at the coffee shop, didn’t I? You didn’t have to go all the…” All of a sudden, Baekhyun’s voice is drowned out by the loud beating of his heart as the other male walks closer to where they are.

Chanyeol stands up as a form of respect, and they bowed at each other. And the first word that came into his mind when he’s faced with the man is the word beautiful.

He looks like they’re about the same age. His head is just an inch away from being with the same height as his shoulders, and it’s not surprising since Chanyeol is strangely tall. If Baekhyun would push the man towards him, his face would land on his chest, and he doesn’t know why but he finds it… endearing.

Baekhyun puts an arm around the man’s shoulder, “Yeol, this is Kyungsoo, my cousin. Remember the culinary teacher I was talking about?”

that was when i met kyungsoo, your cousin, and… my husband. i remember back then, he was shorter than you. he also has whiter skin and larger eyes than you. he is so much different from you.

i know i’ve told you this before. you were the human embodiment of escapades. you were always in front, always bold and daring, always ready to take risks.

while kyungsoo… he was stableness. he was the calming sound of ocean waves and warm breeze. you were ambiguity and he was certainty, and maybe the want for something assuring was what made me think that he was the better choice.

He nods, “Hello, Kyungsoo. I suppose you already know me?” He extends his hand to offer a handshake even if it’s not really necessary because they’re Koreans and they have already bowed at each other.

Maybe he just really wants to know how Kyungsoo’s hand would feel against his.

and like the waves of the ocean, it all came crashing down on me that running from the rain doesn’t sound as appealing as running under the rain. i realized that i prefer those salty chinese takeouts that you always buy because all you can do in the kitchen is boil water in a sauce pan than five-star meals that i can’t even pronounce the names of. i realized that i prefer seeing the floor stained with ink than seeing it clean and polished. i realized that it was just you what and who i wanted all along.

Kyungsoo gladly accepted the kind gesture, “Yes. Nice to finally meet you, Chanyeol…hyung?” There’s a short pause before the “hyung” as if asking Chanyeol if he should add the suffix after his name, “Baekhyun hyung enrolled you in my class, which will start next week if I’m not mistaken.”

“You can just call me Chanyeol,” Chanyeol scratched the back of his neck, because Jongin does it and it looks cool on him and maybe he just wants to look cool too, “and yeah. I, um, I would’ve done it myself but Baekhyun insisted that he’ll prepare everything.”

“Seems like he takes care of you so well, huh?” Kyungsoo chuckles, “So I guess I wouldn’t have to do that anymore and you should take care of me instead?”

Kyungsoo laughs, so he forced one for the sake of their conversation. He can’t tell if it’s really just a joke or it’s a (not so) subtle attempt of flirting, but it’s not because he’s bothered by what he said that he didn’t laugh. What bothers him is the way Kyungsoo’s plump, heart-shaped lips looked very soft and inviting, and how his eyes are just as large as his own and they don’t crinkle on the sides like Baekhyun’s do but they managed to make his heart skip a beat despite this being their first encounter.

Kyungsoo looks so small and fragile that Chanyeol instantly have had the need to protect and take care of him.

how i wish i turned back, figuratively and literally. i wish i turned back and left no distance between the two of us. i wish i turned back and ran back to you when it wasn’t yet this late.

He can’t take his eyes away from Kyungsoo, but maybe if he have had for even just a second as they make their way outside the building, then maybe he would have had seen the look of realization and horror that were etched on Baekhyun’s face as he watches his cousin and his boyfriend trapped in their own world that has no space for Baekhyun.

Maybe if he did, he would have had seen the walls that Baekhyun had built to protect himself crumble down as Baekhyun finally let himself expose his anxieties and insecurities at that moment.

Maybe if he did, he would have had simply realized that they had left Baekhyun behind.

maybe if i did turn back, then maybe i could have had covered your eyes from seeing my stupidity. i could have had held your face and stopped your head from shaking—to stop you from realizing. if i only wasn’t so stupid, then i wouldn’t be hurting like this.

Or maybe if he had had turned around towards Baekhyun, then maybe he would have had seen him mouthing his name like a silent prayer. Maybe if he had had stopped walking for a while to wait for Baekhyun, then maybe Baekhyun would have had reached him before loses the chance to.

i could have had done a lot of things for you but i didn’t and it hurts, because i can’t love you freely. i can’t love you like how i’m supposed to because i didn’t choose you first. i could have loved you better than this way and now i can’t and it hurts.

Maybe if he had had gone back to Baekhyun, then maybe he would have had stopped the latter from realizing the first crack of their relationship.

i fucking miss you that it hurts and i can’t even do anything about it and everything just hurts please make it stop baekhyun please it hurts it hurts it hurts

Read when you forget why things turned out this way.

dear baekhyunnie,

it’s 3 am. kyungsoo is still sleeping so i left him alone in bed. i woke up in tears again and the first thing i did was to write you a letter. i’m sorry. i just have to. i know it’s stupid. my letters don’t even get to you because i have no idea where you are, but it really helps. it’s almost therapeutic. it helps me feel at ease because i know it’s you who i’m talking to in these letters. almost, because these things aren’t you. i need you, baek.

it’s my biggest regret; what i dreamt of, that is. it’s when things went downhill and i can’t forgive myself until now.

It wasn’t what Chanyeol had expected. He expected frustrated yells, continuous flow of tears, counting blames, and pointing fingers. He had even expected a blow in the face because he really deserves one. But all of what he had in mind have been the exact opposite of what was happening in front of his eyes.

the memory of you staring at me when i told you that i wanted to end our relationship still haunts me. i still remember how indecipherable your eyes were and i ask myself why i didn’t get scared at that time, but then i realized it was what i wanted so why would i be?

Baekhyun just stares at Chanyeol, the sunset that they have waited to see for hours long forgotten just to look at the face of the man who he has always valued more than anything. The place suddenly doesn’t seem as silent as it was a while ago, he thinks, because all he can hear is the deafening shattering sound of his heart and the future he had built in his mind together with Chanyeol. But Chanyeol doesn’t need to know this so he returns his gaze to the sun that is slowly making itself less and less visible from where they sit.

Yes, Chanyeol doesn’t have to know that Baekhyun has always been breaking to keep him intact so he can still break for Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun isn’t as dense as they claim he is. He sees, know, and feel everything when it comes to Chanyeol because it’s inevitable not to because Baekhyun is so in love with him and it’s so pathetic. He can’t help but notice the little things that Chanyeol do and the little changes he has started to have that are gradually becoming bigger and bigger until they are recognizable enough that even the oblivious act that Baekhyun pulls for the sake of his sanity can’t conceal it anymore.

How he wishes that he really is dense, because he also doesn’t have—wait, no. He never wants to know this. He doesn’t want to know how foolish he is to willingly break for a person who was never willing to keep his broken pieces.

After a long period of silence, Chanyeol calls him, “Baek?”

The other man didn’t move on his spot. It’s clear that Baekhyun has decided that it is better to stay silent for a bit so he also decides to do the same thing. He wants to ask Baekhyun to say something, to curse at him and to blame him for everything. But who is he to ask Baekhyun to speak if he doesn’t want to just because Chanyeol wants to know what he thinks? After what he did to him, does he even have the right to ask for something from him?

i remember running my fingers over a poorly written question on the wooden bench we were sitting at that time when you didn’t speak for minutes. it says, “why would you regret something you had once wanted?” and i have never thought that it will be a question i would have an answer to.

yes, i wanted it yet i regret it now because if i had known, i wouldn’t have done it. if only i had known, i wouldn’t even have wanted it in the first place.

But then he didn’t have to.

Baekhyun suddenly breaks out in laughter. He does nothing but laugh for a whole minute because why not? Is there a reason not to laugh at everything? The situation is funny, so why not? Why wouldn’t he laugh at the illusion that he let himself believe in? Why wouldn’t he laugh at the relationship that he was once sure of? Why wouldn’t he laugh at himself for trying his best to keep something that was never meant for him in the first place? Why wouldn’t he?

Baekhyun just laughs, but Chanyeol didn’t need his words to know what he feels because it speaks for himself.

and then you laughed and i still clearly remember how it sounds and it hurts me every time. it’s beautiful yet it wasn’t at the same time. it’s beautiful since it’s from you, and it was sickening since it was because of me.

He knows and loves how Baekhyun laughs. His laughs somehow manage to make a beautiful concord that sounds like a magnificent piece of music to Chanyeol’s heeding ears. Sometimes his laughs are light and airy; like soft feathers tickling his ears. Often times they’re loud and boisterous, and Chanyeol thinks it is how an overly hyper puppy would sound like if they could laugh.

There are also times where he lets out a victorious laugh when he wins over something and he’s proud of it. Chanyeol also loves it when Baekhyun would laugh with a hint of teasing in his tone, mostly because this kind of laugh means his stupidity made Baekhyun happy.

Baekhyun also has that “i’m in love” laugh of his which Chanyeol got fond of. He hears this when it’s just the two of them, and now he feels guilty for hearing them because they shouldn’t be meant for him. They should be for someone who will truly love Baekhyun, and it’s not him.

Chanyeol thinks—knows—that he would only deserve to be the sole reason of that kind of laugh if it comes from Kyungsoo.

it was the last time i heard you laugh, and i didn’t know that it would be the last time i’ll see you. it’s been years. where are you now, baek? how are you doing? i want to see you so bad. are you happy, baek? because if you are, then don’t mind me. i’ll be fine, as long as you are, too.

And now this kind of laugh, this is something that is foreign to his ears. It sounds like uncoordinated notes and broken strings, and maybe it truly speaks for what he feels because it screams of different things: Abandonment. Betrayal. Dejection.

“I knew you would choose him.” Baekhyun says, voice hoarse from laughing, “of course you would choose him.”

Baekhyun wants to scream. He wants to scream so everyone will hear how love is the biggest motherfucker of all and that it’s not unicorns and rainbows like they say in those shitty fairytale books so those who want to fall in love can have the chance to back the fuck off before they get slapped by the sickening truth that you will never be good enough no matter how hard you try and you will eventually be replaced by someone better.

But then again, Baekhyun is also one of those people who recklessly stepped their foot forward and didn’t even think of pulling back so maybe, just maybe, Chanyeol is just confused who to choose because he is enticed by Kyungsoo’s perfection, “He’s perfect, what chance do I stand against him? But,” maybe, just maybe, he is more important for Chanyeol because he has been a part of his life longer than Kyungsoo will ever be, “but all of the things we’ve went through… don’t those things mean anything to you?”

Baekhyun knows how he’s being unfair to Kyungsoo. It’s not his cousin’s fault that he and Chanyeol had only met last year. Maybe if Kyungsoo was born in the same country as them or if he went to the same kindergarten, then Chanyeol could’ve known Kyungsoo as long as he had known Baekhyun too, so it shouldn’t serve as an excuse for Chanyeol to choose him. But he was just so desperate to find things that would make him the better choice in Chanyeol’s eyes and being unfair is his only option.

And that was the point, wasn’t it? Baekhyun was there for him first. Baekhyun was—and still is—there when he’s happy or sad or angry or whatever the fuck he’s feeling. He was always there for Chanyeol, so why can’t that be an enough reason for Chanyeol to stay with him? To choose him?

Chanyeol turns his head sideward so he wouldn’t see Baekhyun’s begging eyes because he understands the hopeful options that hide within his question. Baekhyun shouldn’t be like this. He shouldn’t be the one asking to fix things. He shouldn’t give him another chance. He should be angry towards Chanyeol. What he—what he and Kyungsoo did wasn’t one to be forgiven and forgotten so easily, why is Baekhyun still so understanding of him?

And to answer the question in hand, it’s not that those years that they were together meant nothing for Chanyeol. Of course they do. Baekhyun is a part of every milestone he has had in his life and he can’t thank Baekhyun enough for letting him be a part of his life too. But somewhere along the way, Baekhyun fell in love with him and he—he had thought that he also feels the same way towards him.

He had thought that he was also in love with Baekhyun. Every moment shared with Baekhyun is a moment of pure ecstasy, so who wouldn’t think the same?

And then Kyungsoo came along and made him realize that it wasn’t the person he’s in love with, but the memories.

i remember you asking if those years i’ve shared with you doesn’t mean anything to me. of course they do, baek. you do. you mean so much to me. you’re a very significant part of my life. i’ve been so tired, baek. but when i think of how i deserve to live to pay for my sins, to suffer from the consequences of my careless decisions, it gives me reasons not to end my life because i am very much worthy of this misery.

But he knew that Baekhyun is in love with both. He knew that the latter’s feelings are sincere and so he wants to end this now. He is late, but he would like to believe that it isn’t too late. They can still stop this now and he won’t explain and just leave things unclear and unsolved so Baekhyun won’t have the chance to forgive him, because getting yourself cut hurts less than getting your wound cleaned.

What you don’t know won’t hurt you, right? So maybe, hopefully, what Baekhyun doesn’t understand would hurt him less.

“Please, Baekhyun. I’m trying to do this as painless as possible for the both of us,” Chanyeol answers, his eyes pleading for understanding because he is selfish like that, “so please, Baek, let’s end this.”

i bet you wanted to laugh at me when i said i was trying to end it as painless as possible. i know it was so inconsiderate of me to say because you were the only one hurting that time. but that’s what i thought and i was wrong, as always. we were both hurting, it’s just that my feelings for kyungsoo were suppressing it, until the pain got stronger and stronger every passing day and i finally realized it; i finally felt it.

Baekhyun suddenly finds breathing as a hard task as he lets out labored breaths that didn’t go unnoticed by Chanyeol. He felt as if his lungs were filled with flowers which grow and grow as Chanyeol speaks until the veins creep on the back of his neck to lock their selves around it, completely disabling him to breathe and function properly.

If he could laugh again without offending Chanyeol, then he’d definitely do it. He didn’t know that Chanyeol can be this impassive; it’s as if he really doesn’t care about Baekhyun at all and all he wants is to end this as soon as possible so he and Kyungsoo can finally be together.

A part of him really wants to punch Chanyeol in the face and a larger part of him wants to see how Chanyeol will try to lessen the pain of being cheated on, with his own cousin.

He wants to see Chanyeol try and then he will laugh at his face, because never had Chanyeol ever tried taking risks for their relationship, for Baekhyun, but he did for Kyungsoo without a second thought.

The corner of Baekhyun’s lips lifts up and forms a sardonic smile, how sillier could their so-called relationship get?

How much pitiful can he be, that he was ready to forget that Chanyeol cheated on him just so he wouldn’t leave him for Kyungsoo?

How much pitiful can he be, that Chanyeol still pushed him away even after begging to be his second lover?

He was never a bitter person, but Chanyeol is making him despise everything that is connected to him that he can think of. He had never thought he would say this because it’s Chanyeol, “hate” and “Chanyeol” would never fit in a sentence for Baekhyun, yet now they do. He hates whoever it was that made him and Chanyeol met, he hates his friends for making him realize that it’s Chanyeol who he’s in love with all along, he hates his parents and his brother and even his relatives for accepting Chanyeol and pushing the idea of never letting him go in his head, and he hates the world for letting him have Chanyeol just to take him away from him when he’s already in too deep, leaving him alone by himself to be laughed at.

But what he hates the most is that he wants to hate Chanyeol yet he can’t so he hates on himself instead.

With all the interminable swirl of thoughts inside his head and all the emotions consuming what willpower he has left all at once, Baekhyun finally feels it: the exhaustion of loving Chanyeol.

“Just say one more,” Baekhyun says wearily, “say one more thing that would finally push me off the edge.”

Chanyeol looks at him guiltily, but what point does that make when his eyes are full of determination to end what little they—what little Baekhyun has left?

Baekhyun will never be ready to let him go, but it was always Chanyeol first before himself. If he will be happier with Kyungsoo, then he’ll have to let him go because Chanyeol’s happiness is much more important than anything. He had promised to Chanyeol that he’ll make him happy at all cost so if he will make the other stay with him, that would mean he had failed Chanyeol. Because Chanyeol’s happiness is Kyungsoo, and he will never be Kyungsoo.

“I was never in love with you,” Chanyeol spits out cruelly because if there’s one thing that will make Baekhyun stop on pursuing what he wants, it is belittling his worth and stepping on his dignity, “so please, stop loving someone who will never love you back.”

How long will your love for me last, Baek?

Give me your hand, Chanyeol.

Baekhyun smiles because finally, he understands, “Give me your hand, Chanyeol.”

Why? You didn’t even answer my question.

He smiles because finally, he has a reason to let go of something that was never really his.

Just give it.

Chanyeol does as Baekhyun asks because he knows why. The latter had once told him that only Chanyeol could end what they have, and that only Chanyeol has the control over their relationship.

He feels it too, yet at the same time he doesn’t. He has the control over Baekhyun’s decisions yet Baekhyun won’t let him decide for himself.

Yes, he has the upper hand, as he is always told. Baekhyun would always give him what he wants and follow what he says. And as Baekhyun does this, he realizes that he’s treating him like a girl. He treats him as if he’s a princess hiding behind her prince’s back because she can’t draw a sword and fight for herself.

He is thankful, really, because Baekhyun always puts his well-being first. But he is a man too. He also wants to know how it feels like to protect someone—to be a man for someone.

And now he has the chance, with Kyungsoo.

if i had known that it would be the last time i’ll get to touch you, i should’ve held you close. i shouldn’t have let you follow what i said. i should’ve clung on you and not on kyungsoo. i’m sorry, baek. i didn’t even do anything for you. all i did was to complain and demand for more, and maybe it was just right that i didn’t stop you from leaving, because you don’t deserve all of this.

Baekhyun holds his hand gently with his own, “I am doing this not because I don’t love you anymore,” he brings it near his face and lets his lips touch the back of Chanyeol’s hand. He lets it linger for a second, as if trying to memorize how the latter’s skin feels underneath his lips for the last time, “I am doing this because I know it’s the only thing I can do that will make you happy.”

Only you can answer that question, Chanyeol-ah. But if it reaches the last part, you will know because I will write its end on your wrist.

He stares at Chanyeol’s wrist. He still knows very well how Chanyeol would rub his wrist with the knuckles of his other hand whenever he’s nervous or when he’s thinking hard about something. It’s an odd mannerism of his that Baekhyun has grown to love, and he knows that it is not for him to appreciate.

He, then, started to locate the pulse with his thumb and when he found it, he began pressing down on it lightly in an organized pattern.

Wait—I don’t understand. And why on mine, though? Why not on yours?

Chanyeol doesn’t understand what Baekhyun is doing at first, and when he did, his tears started falling.

This had seemed unimaginable for Chanyeol back then. He even swore to himself that he’d lose his mind if he loses Baekhyun. Who would have thought that he’d be the one to end this?

i hope i made the right choice of letting you go, baek. so please, be happy.

Baekhyun pulls away when he was finished, “My cousin is just like a girl, he’s fragile and very sensitive,” he laughs, yet his eyes say otherwise. He holds Chanyeol’s face in his hands and wipes his tears with his thumb, “so you shouldn’t cry, okay? That’s more of his part. Your job is to wipe his tears from now on.”

He pecks Chanyeol’s forehead and pulls away, “I’d just like you to know that I don’t regret any single thing with you, Park Chanyeol. I don’t regret you.”

please be happier than me...

Before Chanyeol has the chance to say anything, he stands up and leaves Chanyeol alone and didn’t even bother looking back because he knows that if he did, he will run back to him and kneel and beg and eat his words of letting him go and he doesn’t want that to happen.

Because you control how long it will last.

He drives as fast as he can as his tears flow out of his eyes. He doesn’t even bother to blink away the tears that are blurring his sight because he just wants to run away. From Chanyeol. From everything.

He steps on the gas pedal as hard as he can until all he can see is white.

Because I will only stop loving you when you tell me to.

“.-.-.-“

Full stop.

Period.

End.

Chanyeol was greeted by scattered pictures deliberately thrown on the floor and a fuming husband clutching a familiar necklace in his right hand.

To say that the room is messy is an understatement—it is chaotic. There are bottles of liquor beside Kyungsoo, and some of its contents were spilled on the floor. Shattered wine glasses that might have slipped from his husband’s grasp were surrounding him, and it was an ironic sight because it looks as if they were trying to protect him. Kyungsoo’s eyes are red and rimmed with dark circles, indicating that he has been crying. Chanyeol’s mind was telling him to do something, and he knows that he should. He should go to Kyungsoo and try to stop the tears that are threatening to fall from his eyes and ask him what’s wrong, but his body doesn’t seem to function as his eyes were zeroed in the necklace that Kyungsoo is gripping tightly.

“Why do you still have this, Chan?” Kyungsoo asks, his voice pleading and desperate for answers, “You should have thrown this worthless thing years ago.”

Chanyeol’s breath was caught on his throat and his body is shaking with dread as he gazes morosely at the pendant. No, it’s not just a thing. It’s not just a useless display to be considered worthless. That thing is the sole reason that keeps him alive, aside from his undying hope that maybe Baekhyun will send him a letter one day that says he has decided to come back home. Kyungsoo can’t throw it away, “Stop—no, please, Soo. Give it b-back…”

Chanyeol’s pleading has done nothing but to only add fuel to the fire that has ignited within Kyungsoo. His grip on the necklace only got tighter, as if he’s trying to crush the pendant until there’s nothing left of it and his husband would finally forget about it, “Say, did you ever love me, Chanyeol?”

“I…” Chanyeol breathes, “Of course, and I still d-do.” Why did he feel so sinful after letting those words roll off his tongue? Why did his words feel like knives thrown at his chest? It is given, Kyungsoo is his husband and he loves him for sure, but why did it sound like he’s convincing himself rather than convincing Kyungsoo?

Kyungsoo’s poignant laugh echoes shamelessly across the room. His laugh was almost emotionless, if not for the hint of sadness underlying it, “Really? Then why do you still have Baekhyun hyung’s ring with you?”

Silence then followed as unanswered questions and unheard answers hang in the air enveloping them. Chanyeol has a lot to say. In fact, he could answer his question instantly. But he knows that his answers would be the cracks in the relationship he’s been trying to take care of so well with his husband.

Chanyeol could only ask himself if is still holding on to something that was long gone considered cheating.

It wasn’t Baekhyun’s ring; at least not anymore. It was—is—his ring. It is the ring whose pair should have still been placed on Baekhyun’s finger. It was supposed to be the ring that is placed on his finger if he wasn’t just so stupid to think that it doesn’t fit him—that Baekhyun is never fit to be his husband.

It’s the ring that Baekhyun gave him when he asked him out.

It is the only thing that holds countless things he would never want to forget. It holds the feelings that Baekhyun made him feel, the memories he has with him, and their promises of devotion and loyalty and everything he could have had with Baekhyun if he had only kept the ring on his finger.

It also holds his longings, desires, torments, and desperation that he doesn’t want to get rid of because getting rid of the pain means completely abandoning Baekhyun, and he doesn’t want to commit the same mistakes again even if Baekhyun is not there to be aware of this self-loathing acts that he calls compensation.

The ring acts as his lifeline; his only salvation from all the pain he had caused himself. It is his only proof that Baekhyun had once wanted to make him his, and he wouldn’t know what to do if it will be also taken away from him.

He didn’t get the chance to answer Kyungsoo’s question when the latter suddenly throws the necklace on the floor, “Hyung was long dead, but he didn’t seem to bring your love for him to his grave.”

“Would you quit saying he’s dead?!” Chanyeol exclaims angrily. He walks towards the necklace to pick it up, “He’s your cousin! What’s wrong with you?!”

He has heard of it, and he’s so tired of hearing it.

He had been told about Baekhyun’s accident on that day. Baekhyun’s mother showed up in front of his apartment in the middle of the night crying while he tells him that his son is involved in a car crash, and that he only has a 50% chance of survival. He had wanted to go, he had wanted to see Baekhyun and wait for him to wake up and ask for his forgiveness because he knows that Baekhyun will live. Baekhyun is much stronger than what they take him for, and he will live because he has to. He still has to make Chanyeol suffer for putting him in that situation.

Baekhyun’s mom didn’t allow him to see Baekhyun and he respects that. He didn’t deserve to, after all. But he’s one hell of a selfish man so he went to the hospital where Baekhyun is admitted the next morning, only for the nurse to tell him that the patient was forced to discharge by his guardians.

He hasn’t heard anything about Baekhyun since, except for his husband’s frequent reminder of his cousin’s “death” which he doesn’t believe in. He knows that Baekhyun is still alive and he feels it.

“If he’s not dead then where the fuck is he?!” Kyungsoo shouts back, “If he’s not dead then why was the last thing we heard about him was the accident?!”

And there goes the realistic possibilities that he refuses to take in because Baekhyun is not dead. How many times does he have to say this? What if Baekhyun just wants to be alone for now? That makes sense, right? The accident was not a joke; it must have inflicted a serious effect on him. What if he wanted to start anew so he had cut all possible connections he could have with the people he left after the accident?

Or what if, what if he had lost his memories because of the accident and he still doesn’t have them back until now?

“The accident might have shocked him and he wants some space,” Chanyeol feeds himself more lies and shares it with Kyungsoo, “o-or whatever reason it may be. Stop talking nonsense about your cousin. Please let him rest.”

“No, Chanyeol. You,” Kyungsoo points a finger towards him, “let him rest! Whether he’s dead or not, you—w-we still have no fucking idea where he is so stop writing letters to him with your own blood!”

Chanyeol’s mind has gone off too far to notice the mistake that slipped out of his husband’s mouth. It was busy narrowing down on the fact that Kyungsoo knows what he’s doing for the past years; that Kyungsoo has found out the bridges he desperately keeps on building in hopes of getting past the gaps between the path he had chosen and the road he should have taken.

He has found out Chanyeol’s only way of reaching out to Baekhyun.

The ring was hidden with the letters, of course Kyungsoo would find out even if he had hid it well. Once again, he had failed at protecting the things he values. Once again, he had failed to protect Baekhyun.

When will I ever do anything right for you?

Chanyeol just stares at him so Kyungsoo decides to speak again, “This is why you cut, isn’t it?”

“I…” Chanyeol trails off. What is he supposed to answer? I’m so stupid? I don’t know? I’m sorry?

The first one would only make a lame excuse as it is inadequate enough on its own to provide an answer—to be an actual answer. He could also say the second one, but it would only complement the first option. And the third one shouldn’t even be an option because wouldn’t it be offensive to say you’re sorry when you’re not?

Wouldn’t it be more offensive to ask for forgiveness when you don’t even regret what you did?

“I think I already know what I need to know so you don’t have to explain, it wouldn’t help me understand the situation any better.” Kyungsoo says as he stands up to leave, not even caring a bit whether or not he had stepped on shards of glass, “Don’t go out of this room until you decide to move on with your past and be a better husband.”

The soft click of the doorknob resonates across the whole room as desolation proceeds to engulf Chanyeol whole. He drops on his knees and brings the necklace near his chest as he lets himself scream for the first time in years.

He screams because the ache in his chest is begging to be let out and it started clawing on his throat.

He screams because crying doesn’t seem enough anymore to bring temporary relief.

He screams for help, he screams to be saved, but his cries always fall on deaf ears.

His eyes land on a torn picture of him and Baekhyun and that alone was enough to make him get on his feet. He rummages through the drawers to get adhesive tapes and he quickly goes back to where the picture was lying.

“I-I’m sorry, oh god, I’m sorry…” He whispers as he frantically tapes the torn picture back together, “N-no… p-please…”

Yet even if he tapes it over and over again, those narrow strips of plastic would never be able to conceal the deliberate discreteness between the Chanyeol and Baekhyun in the picture.

What a metaphoric sight; an actual representation of his relationship with Baekhyun, except the gaps between them in reality grew like the gaps between past and present and he himself knows that his desperate pleas and silent prayers would never take him to the other side where he had always wanted to be.

Chanyeol forces his knees to stop trembling and he sprints to the cabinet on the other side of the room, “L-letters—I n-need—“

His sobs grow harsher every minute as he fumbles through the stacks of neatly folded clothes and lets out a quivering sigh when he finds what he’s looking for.

‘Read when you want to run away.’

Yes, that’s what he needs, because he badly wants to run away because he had failed Baekhyun again. Baekhyun told him not to cry and not to make Kyungsoo cry and he just wants to run away from every disaster and disappointment he has caused to everyone he has failed to protect and hold dear and everything he does is a mistake—he is a huge mistake.

How much pitiful can he be that he could only seek comfort from his own self?

Before he could even read the first sentence, he drops the paper down on the floor, and he harshly wipes his tears with the back of his hands. What if Kyungsoo was right?

What if Baekhyun was gone?

Because if he is, then Chanyeol has no reason to stay in this cruel world any longer.

He crawls back towards the shattered glasses and picks up a large piece of it. He holds it firmly in his other palm until his whole hand is soaking in blood. Isn’t it supposed to hurt more? How could the pain in his heart be this invincible?

Because you control how long it will last.

The way Baekhyun had said that he controls how long their relationship lasts is still clear in his head. He still remembers how Baekhyun plucked a string of thread out of his shirt and tied each of its ends on their little fingers and randomly told him that he’s scared of scissors—which he only understood a few years after Baekhyun suddenly disappeared and now he’s also scared of scissors—and they stayed like that for the whole day until they fell asleep.

And for the first time, Baekhyun was wrong. He doesn’t own the scissors because if he does, then why is he still this attatched to Baekhyun? He could’ve cut that invisible thread long ago so then he could’ve had been freed from this self-induced torture if he really does control how long it will last, but he can’t because Baekhyun was wrong.

He can’t because the truth is, he could only chase blindly after Baekhyun and only Baekhyun can make him stop.

The truth is, Chanyeol could only spin the thread and Baekhyun is the scissor himself.

“You said you’ll bring me with you,” He laughs as he stares at the glass in his palm, leaving trails of whys and why didn’t we’s between every word of the cold truth that he has finally put into words, “you said we will run away together…”

Chanyeol knows all the answers to his questions, yet he still keeps on asking and asking in hopes of getting other options that might save him from drowning. And so he feigns ignorance every time because yes, he’s that coward. He can’t accept the harsh reality that he’s in until now because he still shamelessly hopes for another ending; an ending that he doesn’t deserve, with someone that he also doesn’t deserve.

His cowardice is up to the extent where he even blames Baekhyun for leaving like this when it wasn’t even Baekhyun who got away in the first place.

How shameless.

And yet he, too, knows that he should take all the blame. He knows he shouldn’t blame Baekhyun for leaving him hanging when he had also left him clinging onto something he had desperately wanted to end. But it has always been that way, isn’t it? It was always him who will move without using his mind and it was always Baekhyun who’ll take responsibility of his thoughtless actions.

Maybe that’s all that he could and will ever be: a person who claims himself as a man yet can’t even stand on his own.

“Would you push me away if I follow you instead, Baek?” He asks and removes the ring from its lace to put it on his bloodstained ring finger because he can’t do it on his clean one; because Kyungsoo’s ring is still on his finger to remind him of what he had chosen and what he should take responsibility of.

Baekhyun would have probably been furious by now if he could hear what he’s planning to do—if he’d still care about what Chanyeol does with himself—but he can’t and he won’t because he’s not there.

Baekhyun’s not there. He has no one to stop him from letting his desperation consume his whole system and Chanyeol has never been so thankful of Baekhyun’s absence.

“Let’s really end everything this time, Baekhyun.”

It doesn’t make any sense now, even to Chanyeol. But it’s okay, because he’ll see Baekhyun soon.

“Please forgive me.” He cries, and it wasn’t just for Baekhyun.

It was also for everyone he has failed and disappointed. It was also for the things that he did, for the things that he didn’t and for the things that he should have done. It was also for the choices he has made, for the decisions he didn’t take and for the advices he should’ve listened to.

He asks for forgiveness, even to himself, for what he’s about to do.

He locates his pulse with his gory fingers and pierces the piece of glass deeply into it, then drags it along the width of his wrist. He thrusts the glass alternatively in a series of stabs and slits, which seems to be a messy outline of the sequence of dots and dashes that Baekhyun had gently pressed on the skin above his pulse for what seems like just yesterday.

His wrist is sliced open and blood continues to flow out of it but he doesn’t feel any pain. If anything, it feels like the blood is the liquidized form of his misery and he can finally, finally let it all out and god how much he has yearned to feel solaced for who knows how long.

After a few minutes of reveling in the serenity he hasn’t felt for years, he sighs, “Am I t-taking too long, Baekhyunnie?” He lies down beside the pool of blood mixed with drops of tears on the wooden floor and weakly dips his fingers in it, “D-don’t worry, I’ll be with you soon. W-wait… for m-me…”

And suddenly, he’s not sure of anything anymore but it’s okay, he’ll be with Baekhyun soon.

Chanyeol thinks about the joyful moments he has had as he waits for life to leave his body. He remembers how his parents showered him with love, how his friends taught him what love is, how Baekhyun made him feel a kind of love that he has never experienced and showed him the beauty of it, and how Kyungsoo removed Baekhyun’s hands from covering his eyes and made him see the downfalls of being in love that Baekhyun had protected him from discovering.

He was loved, even at his worst, but he’s a selfish bastard who keeps on demanding for more.

His mind starts to get unfocused and he feels dizzier as he blinks but he smiles because finally, his vision is getting dimmer and hazier each second and he can’t wait to finally lose sight of what he has long wanted to leave behind.

Kyungsoo will get mad at him for the mess he made, but it’s okay because it’s finally over. He won’t have to take care of a heavy burden he calls husband, and Chanyeol has finally done something right for the man who accepted him as a part of his life.

He’s a coward, and he will be nothing but a coward until the end because escaping and leaving things behind seems to be the only thing he’s best at.

And until then, he will also be that selfish person who left the man who offers him half of his life behind to go after the man who owns a larger part of his entire being.

I’m sorry.

He will always be the selfish man who left his other half behind for a man who has his better half.

I’m sorry…

It was the morning star who had greeted Kyungsoo when he left the comforts of his bed to do his unhealthy routine of cleaning and arranging the quills and inkwells that his husband left that he has strangely grown accustomed to.

He’s doing a good job, or at least he thinks so. He’s sure that this is what Chanyeol would’ve wanted for him to do if he only had the chance to tell him before he… left. And so he thinks he’s doing a good job, a great one at that, because he doesn’t only takes care of those things. He also uses them.

Because now he knows the answer to the question his husband always avoids.

Dear Chanyeol,

Maybe that’s why people write. They want their feelings to be known yet they can’t muster up the courage to say it so they hide their messages underneath the archaic yet simple words they choose that they think could describe it—and hide it as well—and they wait for someone to read between the lines.

But until then, it will remain hidden, like the suffocating thoughts that are begging to be let out from the deepest parts of their bleeding hearts.

How miserable must have been the great artists felt that they had managed to turn their pains into masterpieces.

Why?

How miserable it must have been felt to have their selves lost as their questions wander to find answers that might help them get back on their feet only to return with nothing but crushed hopes in its hands.

I…

Kyungsoo stares at his ink stained hand and messy handwriting. There’s no point in trying now, is there?

I wish I could have been enough for you…

It’s been years, and yet he still wishes like the pitiful person that he is.

He still wishes… and wishes…and wishes…

And maybe wishes are all they will ever be.

He grabs the inkwell to refill it but he stops and immediately crumples the letter in his palm when he feels another presence behind him.

Just then, a familiar voice breaks the silence as he speaks:

“You bought quills and bottles of ink again, my dear cousin?”

Meraki – (v.) to do something with soul, creativity, or love; leaving a piece of yourself in your work.