Chapter Text
The lonely become either thoughtful or empty. -Mason Cooley
"You don't have any?"
"I didn't think to pack them."
Keith frowned in thought.
They had been fighting a battle that wasn't going well. Lance and Keith had gotten separated from the others during the fight on the ground. So, of course, the Galra had set up an enemy line that successfully cut them off from their team. They had been looking for a way to the other side when they had discovered civilians fleeing into the forest. Their mission changed as neither Lance or Keith could leave bystanders without protection. They were able to get the people to a cave that worked as a shelter. They stood guard there while the war raged on and on around them for hours into the night. Shiro told them to wait. It was too risky now for them to try and make it back on their own. Shiro would come for them when there was a break in the fighting. Just wait for pickup. Defend the people. The night dragged on. At the approach of dawn, Shiro contacted them. He had found an opening in the enemy line, he was coming for them. Just hang tight.
Another varga went by and exhaustion was pulling on them both. Lance had been fidgeting constantly.
"You should carry extra," Keith said finally. Lance kicked at the ground, sending dirt into the air.
It was morning now and it was time for Lance to take his antidepressants, but when Keith asked about them, Lance immediately shut down. He went from fidgeting anxiously to crossing his arms and glaring at the ground. Everyone knew Lance's schedule and everyone worked to make sure Lance didn't forget to take the pills. Keith didn’t understand why he would be pissed off about it now. Lance said he had been feeling better generally and he had told Shiro he wanted to try going off the meds again. Shiro and Coran both didn't think it was a good idea. It had actually led to a few arguments between Lance and Shiro.
“I'm not going to do anything," Lance bit out.
"I didn't say you were,” Keith fought to keep his tone even.
"You didn't have to say. You're thinking it!"
"Lance, I wasn't thinking it!” Keith’s voice rose to match his teammate’s. “I swear! I was just worried!"
"It's not something you have to worry about!" Lance shut his eyes and clenched his fists. "It's fucking fine!"
"Dude, why are you yelling?"
"I'm not- shut up, Keith." Lance became aware of the alien eyes on him, peering out of the cave at the sudden noise. This wasn't what Lance wanted; he didn't want to scare the people they were supposed to be protecting.
Keith had stopped talking, but he was fuming. He was tired too and he was just trying to make sure that Lance took his meds. The fact that he was snapping at him was probably a sign that he needed them.
Lance stormed away from Keith and sat down on a rock on the other side of their small clearing. He kicked at the loose stones under his boot and huffed. Keith crossed his arms and turned away. If Lance wanted to be angry, then fine, Keith could be angry too.
The moments went by in silence and they could hear explosions in the distance. Keith was just thinking that they sounded closer than before when Shiro's voice sounded in his ear.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll be with you two as soon as I can. Stand by."
"Standing by, Shiro,” Keith responded flatly.
A moment of silence went by before Lance stood up and walked slowly back towards his teammate. He shuffled his feet and cleared his throat.
"Sorry," he muttered quietly. "Please don't tell Shiro I snapped at you."
Keith unfolded his arms and studied Lance. The other boy looked completely worn out. He was pale and had huge circles under his eyes. There was also a tremor that went through his hands every time an explosion sounded in the distance. Keith imagined he didn’t look much better.
"He's going to ask about you. He always asks how you're doing," Keith said with a shrug, trying to appear calm and casual.
"Well, I'm sorry. I'm just tired. Just please don't tell him."
Keith didn't like it. He knew Shiro would want the truth when it came to Lance.
"I'm not going to lie, if he asks me if you're okay. I'm not hiding things from Shiro for you ever again."
Lance folded his arms. It really hadn't been that long ago that Keith had caught Lance having a breakdown after a battle and Lance had asked Keith and Pidge to not tell Shiro; to give Lance time. And that situation had ended with Lance nearly cutting his arm open…
"I'm fine. If you tell Shiro, he’s never going to agree to letting me go off the medication. Please, I’m fine."
"So you said."
"Look, I'm just tired. Anyone would be tired."
"Did you take your meds yesterday?"
Lance didn't answer him.
"Lance, come on..."
"I feel fine."
"You feel fine because of the medication. I know that you know this. What are you even doing? What, do you pretend to take them and spit them out when Shiro walks away?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Lance wasn't meeting his eyes. Keith had been trying to be patient, but he was done for the day.
"Whatever. Fine." Keith felt his fatigue thrumming behind his eyelids, he just wanted to sleep. They had been awake for over a day, this wasn't a good time to have any kind of argument.
They were finally saved from any more discussion when the Black Lion appeared above them, whipping up the air around them and bending the trees. They had decided that the civilians were safe for now and the best thing they could do would be to finish this fight. Lance and Keith bid them a brief farewell and a promise to return later.
The journey back across enemy lines to their own lions was stressful, but they made it. Soon they took the fight to the sky and, even though everyone had been awake for far too long, they won.
A brittle exhaustion came upon them all. With the Galra gone from the planet and everyone safe, the paladins were ready for some sleep. Shiro made them all go by the kitchen and pick up water to stay hydrated. They hadn't eaten anything except ration bars lately, but Shiro wasn't going to force them to eat a meal when they could barely stand. They would sleep for a few vargas and then wake up for food. As they began to file out of the kitchen, Shiro grabbed Keith's shoulder and nodded towards Lance's retreating back.
"How is he?" Shiro whispered.
"Bad day," Keith shook his head. Shiro didn't ask him to elaborate, seeing that Keith wasn’t in the mood for conversation.
Shiro nodded and followed after Lance, well he tried to make it seem like he was just moving in the same direction. He didn't want to seem overbearing.
"Lance, you did really well today. Be sure to get some rest." Shiro bumped Lance's shoulder in a friendly manner. "You can take your pill when you wake up."
"I could just skip it."
Shiro stopped himself from sighing. "...We'll talk about that after you wake up."
Lance scowled, but didn't say anything. He didn’t have the energy for the same argument they’d been having off and on for the past few weeks.
"Did you need Coran to make you some of the tea to help you sleep?"
"No, I'm alright." Lance wasn't going to make anyone do anything for him. Everyone was beyond exhausted. Honestly, if he couldn't manage to sleep after being awake for a day and a half, then there was really no hope for him.
When Lance's head hit the pillow, his mind seemed to buzz uncomfortably. He ignored it.
Don't be stupid. You're exhausted. There's no way your insomnia is going to kick in now.
Lance lay in the dark for several minutes.
Keith is going to tell Shiro about what happened.
Lance reached for the headphones and shoved them over his ears. He was not doing this now.
Shiro worries about you all the time. You make him worry. And all you do is argue with him lately.
Lance turned the music up louder.
You hurt him by being the way you are.
Lance ripped the headphones off his head and threw them across the room.
"No," Lance whispered. "Not doing this." Lance stumbled quickly out the door. He walked past Hunk's room and Pidge's room.
Let them sleep. Don’t be any more of an inconvenience.
He walked and walked, until he was at Blue's paws. He sighed heavily.
"Hey girl," Lance rubbed at his eyes, he just needed so badly to rest and for his brain to shut up. "Want to have a sleep over with me?"
Lance felt something like curious amusement brush his mind. There was concern there as well, but Lance pushed it away.
"I'm alright. Just want to hang out with my best girl."
Blue allowed him in right away. As soon as Lance was in the cockpit, he felt a comfortable warmth settle over him. It was like a familiar blanket wrapping around his mind.
My little one.
Lance blinked hard, not really sure if he was imagining it or not. Blue didn't usually communicate in words exactly. He was way too tired to sort it out now. He grabbed an emergency blanket from the provided first aid kit and settled into the pilot's seat. It wasn't the most comfortable, but it was familiar and Lance could feel his own thoughts drift away as they were replaced with a feeling of safety.
"Thanks, Blue," Lance muttered before sleep finally claimed him.
Tucked away from everything, Lance was finally able to get his mind to rest.
It was enough for now.
Lance woke up to someone shaking him gently.
"Come on now, my boy, you're going to have one stiff neck if you stay here any longer."
Lance blinked blearily. "Coran?" He rasped. Lance winced as his head pounded. His mind was still foggy with exhaustion. His body felt sore from the exertion of the previous battle and the slightly awkward sleeping position.
Coran nodded and gave him a gentle smile. Lance had noticed that Coran often either looked proud or sad when he smiled at him. Today was a sad one.
"Trouble sleeping, my boy?"
"Kind of." He couldn't hide it. Everyone knew that Lance only ended up sleeping in Blue if he was feeling bad.
"I would have made the sleeping tea for you."
"No, it was fine. You and everyone were so tired already."
"I still would have, dear boy."
There was a moment of silence as Lance rubbed sleep out of his eyes and stretched his neck one way and then the other.
"Something on your mind?" Coran asked. It's what he always asked when he was worried. Lance knew the drill by now, Coran wanted to know how he was doing.
"Nothing really. Just felt a little overwhelmed." Up until recently, Lance had always tried to be honest. It had been part of the agreement after everyone found out that Lance was struggling. Lance was supposed to talk to them. He had promised.
"Overwhelmed by the battle?"
"Yeah, yeah, it was exhausting."
"But you couldn't sleep."
"No, my adrenaline was still going… I guess," Lance finished lamely.
Coran was studying him curiously. Lance felt ashamed. It was obvious he was lying, Coran could tell. He could tell that Lance was breaking his promise. Lance shut his eyes and prepared to be called out on the lie.
"Alright then, Lance." The Altean turned away from him, but Lance didn't miss the broken look that passed over his face.
"Hunk's made breakfast. You should come eat." Coran briefly sat his hand on the boy’s shoulder before he left the cockpit. After he was gone, Lance just sat there, trying to gather his thoughts.
Maybe part of him wished that Coran had kept asking.
No. That didn't work. He needed to keep it to himself. He couldn't tell them...
At least, do this one thing right.
Even with sleep, everyone still looked exhausted. Breakfast was a quiet affair with all of them staring blankly between bites of food. Hunk, who was usually enthusiastic about his prepared meals, remained quiet throughout. Shiro informed them that there would be no training that day. Everyone was supposed to enjoy the day off and rest as much as possible.
"I think I'm going to take a nap," Hunk said through a yawn.
"Me too," Pidge mumbled. She had already been nodding off at the table.
"How long do you have to sleep before a nap becomes just sleeping?" Hunk wondered. "Cause my nap is probably going to be about six hours."
"I think it depends on the time of day." Pidge was talking with her eyes closed and her head resting on her palm.
Lance was trying to leave the table without being detected. Everyone seemed too tired to notice…
"Lance, wait." Shiro sounded very awake suddenly.
"I'm going back to sleep," Lance motioned to the exit and tried to look as innocent as possible. Shiro glanced quickly at Keith and then back to Lance.
Yeah, Keith had definitely snitched on him.
"You need to take your pill."
The pill in question was sitting on the table, next to Lance's half empty plate.
"But then I won't be able to sleep,” Lance countered.
"It usually only keeps you up for a varga or so. I'll stay up with you. I wanted to talk with you about something anyway."
Lance could feel everyone's eyes on him and Keith especially was staring with a deep frown. Lance walked back to the table, shoved the pill in his mouth and dry swallowed it. Keith raised an eyebrow and Lance glared at him. He opened his mouth to show that he had, in fact, swallowed the stupid thing and then he snapped his mouth shut and walked away.
"Lance!" Shiro called to him, but Lance didn't turn back around. Flustered, Shiro glanced at Coran, but the man shook his head.
"He wasn't in a very talkative mood with me either."
"I'll go talk to him. I know he's just frustrated,” Shiro was already standing from the table, the rest of his food forgotten.
"He's been frustrated for a while," Hunk muttered.
"Did he talk to you about it?" Shiro asked hopefully. Lance had been shutting him out lately, but if he was at least talking to someone...
"No, I can just tell. He's upset with himself. I don't know why."
"Alright." Shiro cleared his throat. "Everyone just take it easy. I'll take care of it."
Shiro found Lance sitting on his bed holding the green headphones in his hands. Lance was frantically trying to snap a piece back into place, but he wasn't having much luck. He glanced up at Shiro when he entered the room, but he didn't say anything.
"Lance," Shiro started, ready to have a serious conversation. He switched gears when he realized that Lance's hands were shaking. "Lance," Shiro repeated. He sat down carefully beside the younger boy. "What's wrong?"
Lance held the headphones up and Shiro realized they were cracked. Lance was trying to put back a piece of the casing that was broken and jagged on one side.
"Pidge is going to be mad." Lance choked on the last word and he blinked back tears.
"I'm sure we can fix them."
"I'm going to have to tell her that I broke them. I was so stupid."
"Hey, hey, you're not stupid. I'm sure you didn't mean to."
"I threw them. I was upset and I threw them!" Lance was squeezing the broken piece in his fist too tightly. Shiro reached over and carefully pulled it from his grip; he took the headphones away as well allowing Lance to bring his hands up to hide his face. Shiro set the items down on the floor gently. He then put one arm around Lance's shoulders as the boy began to cry.
Even with the medication, Lance would have bad days. However, lately Lance had been moody. He had been pretending to be okay, Shiro could tell the difference between the fake smiles and the genuine ones now. He kept slipping, his false exterior would fall away and Lance would be quick to argue, to leave a room, to start crying...
Something was going on with him. Keith had told Shiro that Lance had a bad day. After Keith had slept, the other boy suggested that Lance might not be taking his medication, insisting he was fine and didn’t need it.
"Why were you upset?" Shiro asked quietly.
"Couldn't sleep."
"Why couldn't you sleep?"
"I... I couldn't get my brain to shut up."
"Alright. You want to tell me what was on your mind?"
Lance shook his head. He hunched forward so that his chest was almost to his knees.
"Lance, it's probably because you missed taking your pills. If you take them regularly, you're going to feel better."
"I don't want them. I don't want to have to take them. I want to be normal! I don't want to be different from everyone else.”
"Hey, nobody thinks less of you because you're on antidepressants."
"I do. I do, Shiro."
"Oh, Lance." Shiro pulled the younger boy into a hug and Lance let out a choked sob. "I wish you didn't. I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You're brave and you’re good."
"I keep fighting with you and Coran and Keith. I'm not good."
"You're just frustrated. I can see it. But you don't have to be a certain way. You don't have to try to fit into this idea of... normal that you have. You're alright the way you are. It's alright for you to take medication."
"Shiro..." Lance took a great shuddering breath.
"What is it?" Shiro asked softly. Lance swallowed hard. He wasn't supposed to tell. He was supposed to keep it a secret.
"Lance, what is it?" Shiro insisted. He pushed Lance away so that he could look into the boy’s face.
Lance couldn't do it anymore, he wasn't okay and he could feel something inside of him breaking a little more every day. He needed to tell...
"I'm not skipping pills. I do take them. They're.... they're not really working anymore."
Shiro felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He hadn't been expecting that.
"What?" Shiro sounded dumbfounded.
"They're not working any-anymore." Lance's voice hitched on a sob.
They had worked so hard to find the medicine that worked. Lance had gone through so much already... The idea of doing it again, of starting over? Shiro felt like his blood had gone cold as he remembered how sick Lance had gotten and how terrifying it had been to never know how Lance was going to react to each different medication. He reflexively tightened his grip on Lance’s shoulders. He needed to be calm, be supportive.
"You could have told us..."
"I didn't want... I thought if I could be good enough without them, if I could convince you that I didn't need to take them anymore... I wouldn't have to tell you." Lance fell forward into Shiro’s shoulder where his tears soaked through his leader’s shirt. "I can't do it again, Shiro. I can't do it again."
Shiro heard the hysteria creeping into Lance's voice and he gently tried to shush him.
"Shhh, alright. You're alright. It's going to be alright." Shiro cradled the back of his head, trying to find a way to make Lance feel grounded. "We can try adjusting the dosage first. You might not have to do the trial medications again."
Shiro hoped it was as simple as a dosage adjustment. He didn't want to see Lance going through that again. But what could they do? Lance being miserable all the time wasn't an option. Being in the pods every other day wasn't a choice either. Shiro wanted Lance to feel okay. They would have to find something that worked. And that meant medicine trials and Lance experiencing all kinds of side effects, until they found the one that would make him feel better again.
Lance continued crying, gripping Shiro's shirt tightly in his fist. He wanted to trust Shiro's words that it would be alright, but he couldn't see it now. It didn't matter how strong they all said he was. Lance didn't think he could do this.
"We'll figure it out. It's going to be okay."
Shiro hoped he was right.
Shiro felt sick when he told Coran that they would need to adjust the dosage, that there was a chance the medication wasn't working at all anymore. He was in the middle of a sentence when his chest tightened exponentially. He stopped talking and shook his head. Coran asked him if he was alright and Shiro tried to nod.
"Sit down, here. Sit down, Shiro."
Shiro was grateful that he had asked Coran to step into an unoccupied lounge area where they could talk privately. Shiro sat down heavily on the couch. Coran sat down next to him and calmly folded his hands in his lap.
"Breathe," Coran prompted him. Shiro leaned forward, putting his head between his knees and taking several deep breaths. This continued for several long moments, before Shiro sat up again and shook his head. He cleared his throat and attempted to speak, but only made a choking sound. After a few more attempts, Shiro took one big deep breath and let it out slowly.
"Sorry, that doesn't usually happen,” he finally gasped out.
"You're worried for him. You worry about all of them. The last battles have been difficult on everyone. You're not alone in your fear for Lance or any of them."
"I know, I just... kept thinking that I missed it again. He was hiding and suffering and I didn't see what was wrong. Again. I keep failing Lance. Over and over..." Shiro rubbed his temples hard.
"You haven't failed anyone. Everyone, including Lance, is still here."
"All the side effects he went through last time, Coran. What if he has to do it all again? He told me that he can't do it again."
"We will be there for him. We will do our best." Coran patted Shiro's shoulder. "Is he alone right now?"
"No, I got Hunk when he calmed down a bit. He’s with him. He's fixing the headphones that Lance broke."
Coran nodded. "Well, I suppose I will make some of the tea to start. After he's slept some more, we can talk about medication options."
Shiro let out a relieved breath. Coran was going to help come up with a plan. None of them were alone in this situation.
They would work through it together.
They increased the dosage first. Lance didn't complain. Shiro asked him how he was feeling every day. Lance only shrugged.
Hunk dragged his mattress into Lance's room, instigating their sleepovers again. Pidge didn’t join them like last time. She was keeping herself busy, working on one project or another. They had found some Galra prisoner records and Pidge had been going through each one. Recording and reorganizing. She wasn't sleeping much at night. There were a few times when Lance awoke to find her taking up some corner of his mattress or Hunk's. Her glasses would be askew on her face and her shoes were often still on. She always looked like she had only meant to check on him, but then fallen asleep without being aware of it.
Lance liked having someone close by, but in his heart he couldn't shake the feeling of how he was inconveniencing everyone. He was always causing problems. Him and his stupid brain.
Shiro was sitting down to a breakfast of space goo. It was an immediate sign that Hunk hadn't been up that morning to cook anything. Shiro glanced around the table. Coran and Allura were talking quietly about plans for the day, Keith was eating, but Shiro didn't miss the way his eyes darted around to everyone present at the table. Keith’s eyes stopped on Pidge and lingered there. Shiro followed his gaze. Pidge had her face down in her folded arms on the table. Her food sat untouched beside her.
"Pidge, did you sleep last night?" Shiro asked. Pidge made a grumbling noise and didn't look up. Shiro sighed. Afternoon training was going to be an issue if Pidge didn't manage a nap before then. She was grumpy when she was sleep deprived and when she was grumpy, everyone else suffered too.
Shiro continued eating, thinking of ways to get Pidge to take a nap before training. She looked tired enough to fall asleep at any moment, but she had the worst habit of not sleeping when left on her own. Her new project was keeping her from resting.
Shiro was mulling over his options when Hunk came into the room. He only had to glance at him to realize something was wrong. Hunk looked upset and Shiro had an idea what had happened before the boy spoke a single word to him.
Lance's chair was empty. The fact that Hunk's chair was also vacant was usually a sign that Lance was having some trouble starting his day.
"Shiro," was all Hunk said and then Shiro was up from his seat. He glanced quickly at Coran and noted the look of concern that crossed the man's face. Shiro waved his hand in what he hoped was a placating gesture. He would go and see what had happened and let Coran know if they needed help later.
"He having a bad day?" Shiro asked as he followed Hunk into the hallway.
"I don't think he slept very well last night," Hunk reported. "He seemed upset yesterday and he told me to go back to my room, that he didn't need me to sleep there. He said he didn't want to be around anyone."
"Did you leave him alone?"
"No, I told him I wanted to stay. He eventually let me and I tried to stay up to make sure he was alright, but I fell asleep. I woke up early this morning and found him crying. I can't get him to talk to me, but maybe he'll talk to you?"
"I'll try," Shiro said, ignoring the bleak feeling settling in his heart.
They stopped at Lance’s door, but Hunk hung back.
"Maybe... Maybe it's me. Just try to talk to him. I'll just wait here."
Shiro wanted to argue, Hunk had provided so much support for Lance in the past few months. However, Lance always hesitated to share his gloomiest thoughts with Hunk.
"I don't want to make him sad too," Lance shared with Shiro once. Shiro tried to tell Lance that Hunk wanted to help and wanted to listen, but Lance had just shaken his head at the idea.
Shiro nodded at Hunk and let the door slide shut behind him. He approached the cocoon of blankets, listening to Lance's breathing, which was hitching with quiet sobs.
"Lance, it's me," Shiro announced his presence, in case the boy had been too upset to notice the door.
Lance's breathing went silent, he was holding his breath, stopping himself from crying.
"Hey, don't do that." Shiro leaned over and gently pulled back some of the blanket that was covering Lance's face. "Breathe," Shiro instructed.
Lance let out a great shuddering breath along with a choked apology.
"You don't need to apologize." Shiro placed two fingers on Lance's neck and checked his pulse. It seemed alright. Shiro then brushed his hand through Lance's hair, pushing his bangs away from his forehead and getting a clearer picture of Lance.
Lance had tears running down his face and into his pillow, which was already soaked from crying. Shiro sat down carefully on the bed next to Lance. He leaned his back against the wall and took a few steadying breaths, contemplating what approach would be best.
"What's going on, Lance?"
Lance shook his head and moved one arm to cover his face.
"It's st-stupid," Lance stammered.
"I'm sure it's not."
There was a moment where Lance just struggled to breathe and Shiro took a few deep breaths along with him. Lance didn't seem to be able to calm down, so Shiro decided to start talking. It had worked in the past and he hoped it would work this time.
"Breathe in... It's not stupid. Breathe out. Nobody thinks it's stupid. Breathe in... Breathe out. We just want you to be okay. Breathe in... I don't mind sitting with you. Out… in…"
Lance was breathing more regularly now. His tears had mostly stopped and he was listening intently to Shiro's voice.
"Nobody should have to cry alone, Lance."
Lance slowly turned, looked up at Shiro and then he glanced away again. A few more tears escaped and Lance wiped them away and swallowed hard.
"I don't want people to have to sit with me. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and do what I'm supposed to do."
"We all have problems sleeping sometimes. You're not alone in that. Did you sleep last night at all?"
"Not very much."
"Did you take the sleeping tea?"
"Yeah, but I woke up again."
"Alright, well let's just try to relax."
"I can't. The double dosage isn't working, Shiro. It's not."
Shiro took one deep steadying breath.
"We can wait a few more days, it might just take a while. I think you-"
"It's getting worse," Lance interrupted.
"How much worse?"
Lance shrugged and rubbed at his eyes. Shiro measured out his words carefully.
"Were you considering hurting yourself again?" It felt like something had sucked the air out of the room while Shiro waited for a response.
"I know it's not an option." Lance pulled his knees up and buried his face into the blanket there. His body shuddered, signaling that he had started crying again. Shiro released a breath he was holding. He wrapped his arms around Lance as best he could and just let Lance cry.
Amongst the sobs, Lance talked, sputtering out his thoughts and worries and everything that he was usually too terrified to voice.
“…And Coran said I could keep some pills in the armor in case I needed them. But I gave him back the handful he gave me. I told him I’d rather not carry around that many. That it wasn’t a good idea… He looked so upset about it and he thanked me, but I think I broke his heart, like I broke m-mom’s... I’m not going to do anything, I’m not. But sometimes, sometimes everything is so hard… It scares me. I scare my-myself…”
Shiro was holding onto Lance as though he could keep him together by force. He could keep Lance safe, if he just held onto him long enough. He murmured quiet assurances into Lance’s hair while the boy cried more tears than he thought he had.
Eventually, the sobs slowed and Lance was taking deep, shaking breaths, trying to get a hold of himself. They both sat in silence for a long time, until Lance squirmed out of Shiro’s grip with an apology. Shiro remained close, until he was sure that Lance had calmed down enough. He wanted to talk to Lance more, but he knew that the boy was too exhausted to have any more conversation. Shiro would have to check in with Coran, he hadn’t known anything about Lance refusing to keep pills in his armor. He added it to the long list of things he needed to take care of. He would just have to think about it later.
"In a little while, do you think you can help me with something?" Shiro broke the silence.
"What is it?" Lance asked, his voice rough from crying.
"Pidge didn't sleep last night. And I know she sleeps when she is in here with you... So I was hoping that you could kind of keep an eye on her? If she comes in here to keep you company, there's a good chance she'll fall asleep. Do you think you're up to that?"
"I just need to be here, that's it?"
"Yeah, that's it. Just be here."
"Okay."
They spent a few more quiet minutes together until Shiro left the room to find Pidge. He was concentrating on taking deep breaths when he realized the hallway he had stepped into was far from vacant. Hunk had sat down just outside the door and Keith had found his way there to Hunk's side. There was evidence of tears on Hunk's face and Keith had one hand perched on Hunk's shoulder.
They both looked up at Shiro expectantly.
"Keith, can you go get Pidge for me?"
Keith nodded and he gave Hunk’s shoulder a squeeze before he stood up. Shiro watched him walk away before sitting down beside Hunk.
"It's not your fault. You know that right?"
Hunk nodded. "I'm trying to... keep him out of his own head, but I can't."
"You're doing fine. You help him so much. I know you do."
Hunk nodded, but he didn't look like he believed it. Shiro pressed his arm into Hunk’s and Hunk only hesitated briefly before he leaned into Shiro’s support. They sat like that for several long moments.
When Keith showed up with Pidge, she looked concerned. Tired, but concerned.
"Pidge," Shiro stood up, "I need to ask you for a favor."
"Yeah, what is it?"
"You haven't had a chance to talk to Lance recently, right?"
"Yeah, I'm just... keeping myself busy. It's not like I don't want to."
"I know, I know. But you see, Lance thinks he's taking up too much of my and Hunk’s time. And since the two of you haven't had a lot of time together, I was hoping you could sit with him and he would just see it as the two of you finally getting a chance to hang out."
"Sit with him?"
"Yes, just be there, I'm hoping he falls back to sleep."
"Um, yeah, I can do that. Of course."
"Thank you," Shiro smiled gratefully.
When Shiro checked on them one varga later, Pidge was passed out on the mattress, curled up next to Lance who was also sleeping soundly.
Shiro left them as quietly as he could. Once he was alone in the hall, he let out a deep sigh.
Small victories.
Lance was running.
The Galra had been developing tech that the team believed they were using to try and listen in on Voltron and the castleship’s frequency. Nothing had been proven for sure, but until they got rid of this base responsible for the tech, they were running on silent. Lance heard the first explosion that was the signal for him to haul ass out of there. And he had run for Blue just like he was supposed to. It was dark and he didn't have much cover amongst the dirt and rocks. So he had to go at a full sprint. He was out in the open and the bomb he set would be going off in about 6 dobashes. They had been over maps of the area again and again. Shiro had worried about Lance being alone, but he didn’t pull him from the mission. Lance wanted to be useful, he needed to see himself as useful. There was the second explosion from the other side of the base; Pidge had been successful in setting her bomb.
Run until you see that big rock, turn left. Run like hell. The ground will slant.
Lance's newest medication that he was trying seemed to cause his attention to wander. He had a hard time concentrating during meetings, but he insisted he was fine.
Run like hell. The ground will slant.
He wasn't stupid. Shiro said so. The meds made him scatterbrained, but he could do this. He had told Shiro not to worry.
Please don't worry. I'm fine. I'm still a part of this team.
There was the third explosion. Hunk would be at the yellow lion by now.
The ground will slant…
His legs were burning from the exertion. He checked the timer that was counting down in the corner of his visor.
Only 50 more ticks. Where had the time gone? He needed to be at his lion when the explosion went off, that was the plan.
The ground....
It wasn’t slanting. Had he done something wrong? Left at the rock, run fast...
No.
Right at the rock.
Lance skidded to a halt and took a hard right. He swore under his breath. He messed up. He messed up. He felt his breathing catch in his throat.
No no no. Not now. Don't freak out.
Just run. Run run run run. He shut his eyes, the sound of his feet slapping the hard earth reverberating in his ears.
Until there was an abrupt silence.
One foot met only air and he pitched forward. Tumbling head over heels.
A gasp, a feeling of weightlessness.
He slammed into sharply slanted ground and violently rolled. Rocks came loose around him and he tried to right himself. The ground disappeared completely in a sheer drop and he was falling.
It was almost like floating in space.
That was the last thing Lance remembered.
Lance woke up with a gasp and a feeling of biting cold stretching along his back. His head swam and he tried to focus on what he was seeing, but it was just darkness.
What had happened? What was going on?
There had been a mission.
Right.
He was running to Blue.
He had fallen?
Must have.
Lance thought he tasted copper in the back of his throat. He struggled to draw in breath around the wetness that was choking him. There was a gurgling noise and a sharp pain in his chest. Something wasn't right with his lungs.
Lance felt panic bubbling up to the surface. He couldn't breathe.
Distantly he became aware of a voice in his ear.
Oh.
They were saying his name.
"Shiro, we're going to find him. Calm down." Keith sounded upset.
The mission must have been successful, if the team was using the communications again. So Lance’s explosive must have gone off.
That was good. At least he wasn’t a complete failure.
"He should be around there. That's where the tracking ends," Coran was talking quickly.
"'m he..." Lance breathed out. His tongue wasn't cooperating. His air wasn't cooperating either. The chatter went silent and then everyone erupted at once.
"Was that him?"
"Lance! Lance!"
"What was he saying?"
"Lance can you hear me? Can you tell me where you are?"
He grunted again. He managed to lift one arm up before it flopped back to the ground, useless.
"'sss dar..." Lance tried. He coughed weakly, felt something warm drip from the corner of his mouth. Lance groaned. He felt a pain in his shoulders as he tried to move. Everything hurt so much and his arms didn't seem to want to move. How far had he fallen?
Lance looked around, but he couldn't see properly. They were all still talking to him, trying to get him to tell them where he was. But he didn't know exactly where...
"I see him, I see him!"
Lance felt the air and the ground tremble as the red lion landed nearby. There was light now, Lance could see the outline of Red against the dark night.
"Lance!" Keith was there. He made a sort of gasping sound and then he was talking quickly into his comlink.
"Shiro, I don't know. I don't know if I should move him. It looks like he fell off this cliff. It’s far… It looks like a head injury, his arm looks broken too. There’s blood…"
There was a long pause as Keith took several deep breaths and listened to his private comlink.
"Will the pods fix it, if his spine is injured? What if I make it worse?"
Keith listened intently for a moment and then he nodded.
"Understood. We're heading back now."
Keith swallowed and looked at Lance who was blearily staring at him, fighting to stay conscious.
"We gotta go, I'm sorry about this." Keith lifted Lance with some difficulty. He was trying to be careful, but Lance still cried out. Keith apologized over and over as he moved Lance into Red's cockpit. He sat him on the floor as gently as he could before taking over the controls and getting them out of there.
"Keith..." Lance forced out.
"Don't talk. You're okay." Keith wasn't looking at him. Lance wondered if it was like when little kids don't look at the things that scare them. As if not seeing them, makes them less real.
Lance coughed. The blood splattered on the floor was the last thing he saw before everything faded out again.