Chapter Text
“IDIOT!”
To Orochimaru’s credit, he manages to refrain from banging his head off the table and settles for an eyeroll instead. That Jiraiya could be heard through his Filtering Jutsu and all the way in the south end of Konoha doesn’t surprise him. It does irritate him, however, from a purely practical standpoint - everyone in the village knows by now that the bellow of idiot means that Naruto’s gone flying into a building.
They’d just finished repairing the last one.
He leaves a tip for the waiter and slithers out, slick hand seals allowing him to bounce from one side of town to the other much quicker than walking would. Sure, the Kyuubi would heal up Naruto fast enough, but the damage to the buildings would need to be sorted out as soon as possible.
(... And he supposed he might need to drop Jiraiya’s brat off at the hospital. If the damage was bad enough.)
“What did you do this time?” He’s strong enough to haul a twelve year old out of the rubble of an abandoned bookstore, fingers curled into Naruto’s jacket and lifting him off the ground. He looks pretty beaten - not so much as the building, but beaten nonetheless. With its ancient brick and dilapidated, dusty windows, the bookstore had already been put on the shortlist for repairs to the village. Well, it’s taken a shortcut to the top of the list, now. Naruto protests loudly, says he didn’t do anything and that Ero-sennin (Orochimaru smirks. The nickname fits) needs to train him properly.
“What are you waiting for, start repairing!” The order’s barked at a few chuunin hidden in the shadows gaping at the scene, Naruto hanging all too limply - and quietly - in Orochimaru’s hand. His eyes narrow.
“Hospital. Now.” Naruto’s hands, halfway to sealing his way out of Orochimaru’s grasp with a clever use of Kage Bunshin (of course), still as a snake tightens around his wrists. Dammit. He thought the old snake wouldn’t notice if he was sneaky enough. What did he need to go to the hospital for? He’d always been a quick healer!
(Believe it.)
The sounds of the chuunin trying to clear debris grumbles like their complaints through the alleyway and everyone gets out of Orochimaru’s way as he drags Naruto - with his protesting limbs and shouts of pain - all the way to the hospital.
The clouds roll overhead and he glances up. Great. Hadn’t the sun been shining just an hour ago?
***
He briefly entertains the thought that at least it wasn’t Tsunade who ended up slipping on the Hokage robes. The village would have been flattened months ago. Jiraiya’s punches always lacked that little bit of chakra control that Tsunade’s had. They didn’t reach quite as far, or shatter quite as many bones.
('I wonder what she’s up to?’ his mind drifts idly, thoughts travelling to distant lands and forgotten nights and all the lost money.
Maybe he’s glad she isn’t digging into his wallet as well.)
“Leave.” The junior advisors listen to him and make themselves scarce with a barely concealed shudder of disgust. Smart people, those two. But not too smart. They know enough to make good decisions, but not to question him. They remember to retain a healthy amount of fear of him that pleases Orochimaru; he has no time to deal with other people’s opinions right now.
(He knows those two wouldn’t be able to decode Jiraiya the same way he can. It’s something that can only come from teamwork like theirs.
No other shinobi team has it.)
“Jiraiya. We don’t have the budget for your frustrations.” The first couple of times Orochimaru had let slide; he had understood why Naruto would inspire that reaction (thankfully for Naruto, Orochimaru doesn’t have to see him so often, otherwise he’d be snake food. He doesn’t have the patience for anyone that energetic any more). However, with Jiraiya’s tutelage of the boy came the increase in incidents and the budget for Infrastructure quickly depleted to the pennies. If he continues using Naruto like his personal punching bag, they’d have to dip into Development’s pot and that would get awfully messy.
(Orochimaru hates the village’s economists and he’d rather avoid speaking to them. They have dead eyes and nothing but Ryou on their minds.)
“I know, Orochi.” Orochimaru’s jaw tightens at the nickname, but he lets it slide. He lets too much slide, now that he thinks about it. “I’m trying to get through to him. He’s just so damn stubborn.” It brings a smile to Orochimaru’s face to hear those words. It’s exactly what he needs to seal his victory in their little discussion. Jiraiya just needs to be reminded of the right things.
“He’s exactly like you were, you know?” He notices Jiraiya’s eye twitch, supresses a smirk. He knows it’s the truth, even Jiraiya isn’t that stupid, but it needs to be restated just bluntly enough that Jiraiya doesn’t argue or hate the thought. It isn’t exactly hard to know what buttons to press to make Jiraiya reconsider his approaches. He knows everything Orochimaru’s telling him, and that’s why he needs Orochimaru as his advisor. Without him, he’d never listen to himself. “Perhaps it would be for the best if you took him out of the village for a while. I seem to recall it matured you greatly.”
Not Tsunade, however.
“You know I can’t do that. The village needs a leader and all of that...” ‘bullshit,’ Orochimaru’s mind fills in. He knew Jiraiya would never really enjoy this position, but that his teammate would trust in him and keep him as an advisor. No matter what Jiraiya said about being Hokage as a child, it wouldn’t last as an adult when he realised that there’s more to being Hokage than simply leading the village.
There’s paperwork. Lots of paperwork. No one likes paperwork, not even Orochimaru, but he can tolerate it. Unlike the man sitting in the Hokage’s chair. Which is why Orochimaru spends far too much time telling Jiraiya to just get it out of the way. (Once or twice he’s told Jiraiya that if he gets the pile sent out, he’d stand guard and ensure the man gets to do all the “research” he wants at the baths.
It’s one of his few eternal shames.
All of those shames involve Jiraiya, he realises. Most involve Tsunade as well.)
“I can take over for a while.”
“No.”
“Very well. Might I suggest that you train him in the woods from now on?” Orochimaru disappears in a cloud of smoke and Jiraiya leans his chin against his hands.