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Caitlin’s coffee was cold this morning. Like every morning since her rebirth. She wasn’t—Her. Killer Frost. She wasn’t angry, scared. It was just something that happened. Ice resided beneath her fingertips and cooled the temperature of everything she touched, coffee included.
In fact, everything was cold. She bought three fleece blankets for her bed this winter, warmed her towels in the dryer after she showered so she wouldn’t tremble when the water turned off, and even purchased a new thermostat for her apartment.
But the frost still lingered beneath her fingers. Under her nails tinged blue, and it would have been fine, she guessed, if that’s all it was.
It wasn’t all that it was.
Caitlin felt empty inside, distant and indifferent. As if her nerves were frozen off and shattered like icicles, and her heart got replaced with ice too. And that feeling, the lack of warmth, safety, flowing through her veins when she looked at her friends, her team, her family?
That hurt the most.
And Caitlin’s glad, she’s glad she’s alive. Really, she is. She never wanted to die, not even in the darkest hours after Ronnie’s passing, or her imprisonment under the hands of Zoom. Not really. So she couldn’t resent Julian for taking off the necklace, she would have done the same for anyone else. Of course she would have, she’s a doctor, she sworn the Hippocratic Oath and believed in it too.
But the darkness was so isolating, suffocating, like a stab in her chest that made breathing hard and it was too much to bear.
Caitlin left her cold coffee untouched at the corner of her desk and began to work, analyzing the DNA of the newest metahuman on the loose. Harry and Cisco walked in bickering like always, although they’ve been consciously trying to make an effort to get along this week now that Barry and Iris were away on their honeymoon.
“Good morning,” she said absently, looking at the results.
The argument stopped immediately as both greeted her in reply. Caitlin looked up to see Cisco right behind her. He placed a hand on her shoulder and frowned. “Were you here all morning?”
She stifled a gasp. His hand on her radiated heat, and his eyes, god, Caitlin wondered if he’d always been so warm.
“What?” Cisco said, when all Caitlin did was stare.
“Nothing,” she said, grabbing his hand with her own and reluctantly pried it off. “Let’s get to work.”
“Okay, I got this new name I was thinking—”
The loss was crippling. Caitlin's eyes widened with fear and she felt condensation on her palms. No, no, no, she wouldn't switch, she didn't want to become Her, not now. She latched back onto Cisco’s arm and wrapped her arms around him.
Cisco stepped back in surprise, but held her anyways as she gripped onto him like a koala, burying her face into his neck.
She felt like she was melting, defrosting, it was like coming alive again. She shuddered when his hand tentatively rubbed up and down her back, like he knew she needed it, and she had to hold in a sob from the pure joy of comfort.
“Cait,” Cisco breathed, sucking air in his lungs and suddenly he went very still.
He vibed her. She knew it, and her thoughts were confirmed when his voice returned gentler, softer.
“Cait,” he said again, this time more broken.
And then the STAR Labs alarm blared.
Caitlin jolted away as Harry ran to the security cams. “The meta is attacking Central City’s Zoo. Suit up, Vibe. Kid Flash?”
Wally zoomed in from the unknown, already in his suit.
“Killer Frost?” Harry ventured, and before Caitlin could protest her eyes rolled up and became white like her hair.
Killer Frost looked at Cisco who was still eyeing her with concern, and sneered.
“Pathetic,” she said. “She’s hit an all time low, crawling to you.”
Cisco put on his Vibe jacket and made a big show of rolling his eyes before putting on his goggles. “Can you not insult her for once?”
“Can you not defend her for once?” Killer Frost snapped back.
Cisco tilted his head, and laughed too loud. “I really don’t like you.”
Killer Frost scoffed, and patted his cheek condescendingly. “It’s mutual, trust me. You’re idiots. Both of you, I swear to god.” Her voice echoed, and she strutted away on her ice path into the sky.
~.~
Caitlin pulled off her Killer Frost jacket and reached her desk drawer for her gloves. She was tired and wanted to sleep, but the job wasn't quite done. Wally was attacked by a brainwashed lion and needed a blood transfusion. They got it done, and he was asleep, but his levels of regeneration differed from Barry’s and they needed to calculate his proper dosage of pain meds and antibiotics in order to keep his blood from infecting with the meta’s super poison.
“Dr. Snow,” Harry drawled, yanking the cap off his whiteboard marker.
Caitlin, appraised him with a raised eyebrow. “Harry.”
“Let’s cut to the chase shall we?”
“Excuse me?”
“You. Ramon. Ramon. You.”
Caitlin stiffened. “...Yes?”
“What the hell was that this morning?”
Caitlin glanced to her left. They were alone in the Cortext together, Cisco locking the offending meta in one of the cells as Wally slept sedated in the Med Bay. That didn't mean Cisco couldn't come back in a moment, now that he had perfected his breach jumping, Cisco could teleport just about anywhere at any time. And for some reason, she did not want him to hear what she was about to say.
“He’s warm,” Caitlin said. “Not hot, like Ronnie was, or cold like me. Just, warm.”
Harry nodded and adjusted his glasses, as if that made any sense.
He didn't push for anything else which is why Caitlin surprised them both when she continued, “I need it. I—,” and her breath hitched and suddenly her eyes were stinging with unshed tears. “I need him, Harry. I'm so cold. Sometimes I feel dead inside. Like, nothingness creeps over me and I know I’m Caitlin but I’m not, still. But when he touches me, when I hugged him? I felt like myself, I…felt.”
Harry stared silently at her for a beat. “I found Wally’s dosage,” he said finally, handed her a Kleenex and walked away. He never asked her about it again.
Cisco walked past Harry as he left and he smiled at Caitlin with a fist punched in the air. “Poison Claws is locked up and will never control an endangered species ever again!”
“Yay!” Caitlin cheered, returning his outstretched hand for a high five.
The moment their hands clapped Caitlin felt it again, like a bolt of lighting down her spine that went straight to her heart.
Caitlin gasped out loud this time and interlocked her fingers with Cisco impulsively, sighing as waves of warmth crashed through her system and she was flooded with sudden emotion.
She missed this. She missed this so much.
Cisco lowered their clasped hands slowly, resting them on Caitlin’s desk.
“Cait, you have to talk to me,” he said gently, stroking her cool hand with his thumb, “Please.”
“I’m sorry,” Caitlin said, reluctantly untangling their hands. “I don’t know why I did that.”
“You don’t need to be sorry.” Cisco sighed, “I just want to know if you’re okay. And, if you need a hug, don’t be shy, y’know. I’m always here. Caitlin, you know that.”
That was the problem. He’s always there. Because he loves Caitlin Snow and refuses to let her go. It’s beautiful, maybe even miraculous. She doesn’t feel cold when he’s with her, when he touches her, when he looks at her, when he smiles. His very presence threatens her alter ego, the coldness that blurs around her edges because they’re connected, intertwined emotionally and it’s one of the only holds that Killer Frost can’t shake from Caitlin’s life no matter how hard she tries. Because, maybe Caitlin and Killer Frost are two different people, but they share a body, they share the same heart. And that heart, hardened as it may be, still beats for Cisco Ramon.
It’s supernaturally tragic, in a way Caitlin’s life seemed to be.
Because the Caitlin Snow Cisco loves is dead.
Caitlin forced a smile, “I know, Cisco.” She said, “I’m just tired, I think I’m going to head home, can you ask Harry to watch over Wally?”
“Okay,” he replied, biting his lip as his brows furrowed, unconvinced. “Do you want me to open a breach for you?”
He was uncharacteristically quiet. She didn’t have the energy to read into reasons why that might be. So she said no thanks, stuffing her shaking hands in her coat pockets, and walked her way home.
Her floors creaked under her weight as she walked down her hallway. She glanced at the clock, it was late and Killer Frost would soon demand to come out.
But she was freezing now, and tired, and wanted to sleep. She wanted to drink coffee that warmed her throat as she swallowed, she wanted to curl under her blankets on her couch to read a book, she wanted to call her mother and tell her she was doing fine without lying. She wanted to invite Cisco over like she used to and drink—her wine, him beer—until they were both rosy cheeked and laughing unabashedly at the mundanity of cop comedies on TV, until they were drowsy and shared her bed. She would sleep on the left side, and he’d be on the right. He’d let her steal most of the bed sheets at night despite being chilly himself and kiss her forehead fondly when she weakly insisted they both get equal share.
She wanted to wake up safe in her bed in her pyjamas, with matted hair from rustled sleep not damp with clumps of snow. She wanted to wake up and not fear she finally lived up to Her moniker. Killer Frost. Killer Frost.
She missed her power dampening cuffs, annoying charger and all and her snowflake necklace, which both, she remembered demurely, were so thoughtfully, maybe even lovingly made by Cisco.
She hasn’t done any of those things since she struck the deal with Her, and suddenly she was so envious of the relationship Ronnie and Jax had with Martin Stein, to be able to cooperate two minds at once and still control your powers.
It wasn’t fair. Barry and Wally and Jessie got speed, Cisco got vibrational powers and she?
Darkness. Anger. Fear.
Ice.
Caitlin dropped her purse onto the floor and padded into the kitchen. Her espresso machine was an engagement present from Ronnie’s mother. She hasn’t spoken to her in a long time. She watched it do its magic with heavy eyes.
She thought of Cisco, and his tender touch, his heart. His love. How Caitlin Snow loved him and how this Caitlin Snow wants to love him, but can’t. How she craves for it, for him, how she needs him.
And then she thought of Gypsy—Cynthia, his perfect match, and how she could give him what she couldn’t offer, and how glad she was that he could get that affection Caitlin knew he deserved. Feelings she doesn’t know how to give anymore.
The espresso machine beeped and she reached for the mug, not wasting a moment for it to cool, anticipating the burn on her tongue.
Her hair fell over her face as she bent over the drink. Frost parted from her lips when she opened her mouth to take a sip.
The coffee was cold.
The sink was backed up with dishes from last week. She watched the brown liquid pour down the drain. It ran slowly, staining her white plates.
Caitlin turned on the tap and cried.