Chapter Text
Tony remembered most things from his childhood. A large amount of people would love that, Tony didn’t. He remembered the fights that his parents got into, the neglect that he was subjected to. As well as offhanded comments that they said that stuck with Tony for as long as he had been alive.
For instance, when the whole Trask ordeal happened, Tony himself wasn’t older than 4, but he distinctly remembered that Howard scoffed and said ‘I could have made those better.’
As Tony was growing up he noticed his father’s extreme dislike of mutants in the subtle remarks and very noticeable glares at applicants for the company.
“Don’t ever hire a mutant Tony. They are untrustworthy and unpredictable.”
He remembered seeing his dad on the screen of a television talking about the ‘Rampant mutant problem.’ Tony turned it off with a press of a button and went to his room.
Hating a group of people just because they were different didn’t make sense to him. Sure he could be a bit wary of them since you never knew what people’s real thoughts and end goals were. But judging based on one single piece of data?
It didn’t sit right with the young Stark.
Along with all of the instances of Howard being less than a good fatherly figure, he remembered that their butler was more of a dad than Howard was. Tony liked to listen more to Jarvis than he did Howard. However, there was always that want to make his father proud.
It never happened.
Tony had been kidnapped on four different occasions by the time he was eight years old and then two more before the one that changed his life just before he turned 10.
Tony was in a basement of some kind, his arms tied behind his back and to a chair. His legs were loose but the chair was too heavy for him to lift more than an inch before he clattered back down. He wasn’t afraid. He knew how these worked by now, Tony just needed to wait either until someone comes to get him or until the kidnappers made a mistake.
He felt a bit dizzy from whatever they knocked him out with and kept shaking his head to get the rest of the fuzz out of it. Tony had a strip of duct tape across his mouth after his remarks from when he first woke up. When the door opened at the top of the stairs, Tony pointed his glare at the man walking down.
He felt a small flash of annoyance and blinked. Then there was a wisp of satisfaction that continued to make the boy confused. Tony’s eyebrows started to furrow together.
“You should know that no one knows you’re here. So it’s really in your best interest to give us some information on Stark Industries.” His captor started and then went forward to rip the tape off of Tony’s mouth.
The boy grunted in slight pain and resumed glaring, not saying anything. He felt a small whisper of aggravation and swallowed down his uneasiness of what was happening. Was his kidnapper a mutant? Was this man making him feel these out of place feelings? Whatever it was, it made Tony feel very uncomfortable.
The man waited in silence for a few moments before suddenly back-handing Tony, “If you don’t talk then we’re going to have to try other methods.”
The boy felt a sick sense of giddiness come from the man. He knew this guy was toying with him now.
“How- how do you know no one knows where I am?” Tony started with a false confidence. His tongue trailed over his split lip and continued glaring, maybe making a bluff would work, “You really don’t think that I don’t have a tracking device on me do you?” He felt a small amount of skepticism and smirked, it was working. Tony was turning the mutant’s powers into a weapon against him.
“I am the son of the most powerful weapons inventor in the world. Of course there would be something tracking me.” Total lie, but from the wisps of anger he was now getting that wasn’t directed at him he could tell that this man was going to slip something.
“You were taken by surprise. You wouldn’t have had time to take anything.” The man said. The outside was confident but Tony could feel the man’s unsure feelings.
Wait. Why was he letting Tony feel those?
“I can’t just drop implants on my dresser now can I?” Tony replied with mock cockiness and a generous amount of sarcasm. He didn’t have time to think about why the mutant was letting Tony use the power against him. Although the back of his mind was coming to a certain conclusion that Tony was hell-bent on ignoring until he could afford to think about it.
“No. Even if you did have one, this basement would nullify any signals.” The man’s smugness was coming back and Tony had to force his eyes to roll.
“Forgetting the part that my father is a genius?” He didn’t like complimenting the one who tended to get a bit violent with alcohol in his system but Tony knew that this would be the best bet to get them to move him. And with them moving him, they could make even more mistakes.
The smug feelings were gone, replaced with strong anger and Tony could feel the tiniest amount of fear. Tony smirked as the man speed walked from him to the entrance yelling about a change of locations. Sweet.
The boy didn’t have to wait long before a task force had come after they moved. He blinked at the sudden amount of stress and some relief coming from the leader and various team members.
Tony looked around to see if the man was around and still projecting.
The man stood up from the corner and started lifting a gun towards the team.
And then Tony felt the overwhelming cloud of anger coming from the man immediately stop when he was shot. But he didn’t feel the calmness and relief from the other people go away either.
He swallowed down his sudden fear and tried to focus on what the man was saying to him. But he couldn’t hear over the blood rushing in his ears. Tony felt more concern from the man and it only served to make him panic more.
Tony shouldn’t be experiencing these emotions and feelings. The mutant had been projecting his powers to Tony and now he was dead. But the only explanation that he had was either every single person in the room was a mutant,
Or he was.
And Tony knew which one was true.
He gave it a couple of weeks, maybe it was a hallucination of some sort from whatever the kidnappers had given him. Side effects could do strange things to the body and after all, there wasn’t any sort of history in the Stark lineage that suggested there was a mutant gene.
Tony watched his tenth birthday pass with his power. He could sense the uncaring from his father and annoyance when he glanced up to see his son. He could sense the depression from his mother as she held her glass tumbler of something that probably was alcoholic.
He felt the level of uncaring that his parents had for him first hand and it had made Tony break down in his room.
There was a waft of concern by his door and the voice of Jarvis called through the wood, “Tony? Is everything alright?” Feeling the amount of love coming from him was enough to calm Tony. It was such a change and he closed his eyes to feel it more clearly. With a new resolve and confidence he opened the door and hugged the man, “Can I tell you something?”
Jarvis nodded and tilted his head.
Tony closed his eyes again and searched for any type of malice from the butler. When he found none he opened them and took a deep breath, “I think that-” There was another emotion, strong annoyance coming down the hall. Tony glanced down there and then back to Jarvis and shook his head, “Never mind.” He said quietly and stepped back.
The older man was confused for a second before he heard the footsteps of his employer. Understanding swept through Tony’s senses and he gave Jarvis a small smile before closing the door.
Maybe living with it wouldn’t be so bad. At least it wasn’t a physical and obvious mutation like being a different color or having wings. He could pretend to be normal. If only to not give Howard another reason to jump on him. Tony was completely content with living in the dark.
Until it started getting stronger.
Every time he was in public he had to have intense focus, otherwise he was sure that he would get swept up and lose his mind. Tony researched as much as he could on whatever he was but he could never really get what he was experiencing into words. He was a mechanic not a writer.
During his research the Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters kept popping up and when he was sure that Howard was down in the lab and his mother was sufficiently drunk he tried looking up videos to see them talking. He felt like they might have been able to help him. But that would also mean telling someone so he could get there.
The extent that Howard hated mutants was extreme. But he never actually studied up on the matter either. He was so repulsed that he made efforts to not be educated on them. Tony, knowing this, printed out a few of the pamphlets from the school (The non-incriminating ones anyways, they were specially made for parents who were more like Howard.) and waited at the dining room table until his father came up from the lab.
Tony felt the fleeting feelings of passiveness, a small stab of disappointment and then just a touch of curiosity, “I was wondering if I could transfer to a different school.” Tony didn’t phrase it as a question on purpose.
Howard sighed and took out a small glass, “Why?”
Tony knew that his dad wasn’t actually curious, he could feel it, he could also feel the resignation towards himself, “My current school is boring and I’ve done some research on this one, it seems like I could be somewhat challenged here.” Perfectly neutral. He didn’t need Howard to latch onto any emotion of his own in his voice.
“Hmm.”
Tony felt the brush off and laid the pamphlets on the table before leaving. Now all he had to do was wait.
Howard said there was no point in Tony changing schools and threw away the pamphlets. Tony tried his hardest at schooling his features so Howard wouldn’t see how much it actually meant to him and headed back to his room.
Once there he fell face first onto his bed and stared at the wall. There wasn’t anything that he could do that that point.
So he went back to his boarding school.
Unfortunately, it hit him how much he actually needed to go to Xavier’s school when he stepped onto the grounds and was surrounded by the other students.
He struggled through the first four days but couldn’t make it through the last one. Tony leaned against his bed and let his anger at himself rise.
Why couldn’t he have better word choice when asking about the school? Why didn’t he fight for it after Howard said no? (He knew the answer to that one but still put himself down for not going through with it.)
Tony took deep breaths in his room on his floor and screwed his eyes shut tightly. Phrases like Waste of money, graduating early, and MIT flitted about his head. Of course Howard wouldn’t have gone with it. Tony even said it himself; somewhat challenged. Somewhat. So why waste the money when he would be graduating and heading off to MIT sooner than later?
Tears leaked through his clenched eyes as he punched his bed. The only place that had hope for him of controlling his stupid mutation was a beacon that was quickly flickering out.
Tony knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep his composure for that much longer. Kids at school were noticing his sudden withdrawal; the amount of headaches to the school nurse was getting high as well. She was starting to become suspicious of his frequent visits. Tony could feel it. And that was the problem.
Tony could feel it.
He could feel the annoyance, anger, happiness, hate, uncaring, jealousy, indifference, everything.
What started off as small sparks of emotion was quickly growing into a raging flame. Tony knew that if he couldn’t get himself under control he was going to lose his mind.
Brown eyes snapped open. His mind. That was it. That was the answer. The thing that was putting him through this hell was also the thing that could get him that much closer to salvation. A slow grin broke out across his face as a plan started to form.
Graduating early was easy enough. Tony just had to persuade his principal and teachers that he knew everything already. After that night of going through all of the courses that he had left and studying up on them through that weekend had prepared him for the tests that he needed to take to finish everything.
The teachers didn’t complain about him leaving. (One less kid to watch and pay for.) He said that his father didn’t need a reimbursement and that a car was already coming to pick him up from the grounds. He used the power that he absolutely hated to steer the conversation the way that he wanted almost unconsciously at first. After he noticed, however, Tony used it to the fullest advantage.
He received his diploma and a handshake, empty words of gratitude and was left at the front gate. Tony took a deep breath before starting to walk towards the city, if he could get a cab, he would be able to make it to where he wanted to go. If the cabbie didn’t want to take him, well, now that he has another trick up his sleeve he was pretty sure he would be able to sway the opinion.
Tony felt almost dirty for thinking that way but he needed to get to the school.
The cabbie that he found was skeptical at first but after being presented with a certain amount of cash he was all too happy to take Tony to New York.
It was late at night when the cabbie approached the hotel that Tony asked him to go to. With a final farewell the yellow car drove off into the night. Tony could feel the amount of excitement about money slowly disappear as the car went further.
The boy took a deep breath and hitched his backpack higher onto his shoulder before turning away from the hotel and heading down the street. He wasn’t as afraid as he knew he should be. With his power he could feel if there were any other people hanging around and their intent towards others.
Tony knew he was only about half a mile away from the school. He didn’t want the cabbie to notice where he was going on the off chance that he recognized him (Let’s be honest, not that many 10 year olds carried around that much money.)
A light drizzle started to come down when he was halfway there and he pulled his jacket closer to himself. He kept his head down as random cars passed him on the street to avoid any confrontation. Tony kept feeling emotions as he kept going. With each step towards the school he started quickening his pace.
It was getting to be too much. He had to get to the school as fast as he could.
Tony felt floored when a sedan passed him and a waft of absolute and pure true love went through him. He grabbed his shirt in front of his heart and felt the warmth leave as sudden as it came over him. Tony took deep breaths and tried to calm himself down but it wouldn’t work. Knowing that it was the warmth of love from parents to children sleeping in the backseat, ‘Is that what it really feels like?’
Tony closed his eyes and let the tears that had gathered fall. He was shaking by this point. It didn’t matter if he could get rid of this power now, the fact that he knew what it felt like if his parents actually cared about him, If they actually loved him would never leave. In the amount of time that he had this power, he never felt that from either of them.
Quickly making his way up the driveway, not caring that tears were still spilling down his cheeks, Tony raised his fist to knock on the door. A fleeting moment passed where he hesitated but shook his head when the memory of love came back and knocked desperately.
He needed this power gone and his memories wiped. That way he could go back to living in ignorance of what he didn’t know that he always wanted.
Tony’s knocking became more hurried as the seconds passed without an answer, “Please, is anyone there?! Please open the door!” He started to expect no one was there so when the door did open he jumped backwards in surprise.
An older man in a wheelchair was taking in his appearance worriedly. A flicker of surprise went through his eyes and then softened the next moment.
Tony quickly wiped his eyes, ignoring when more tears replaced them and sniffed, “I need you to fix it.” He said brokenly. He needed this mutation gone; surely there was some way to do it?
The wheelchair backed in sideways as he replies, “Come inside, out of the rain, Anthony.”
Tony didn’t think on the fact that the man knew his name, didn’t care either. Mutants come in all different powers and this man could have just been a telepath. He entered the large building still trying to wipe away at his face and stood in the foyer, “You can make it go away right?” He knew the answer.
The man looked at him with pitying eyes after closing the door, “You already know the answer to that question.” The man sighed when Tony just nodded, new tears starting to make their way down his face, “Come on, let’s get you warm.” He started moving the wheelchair again expecting the boy to follow.
It wasn’t until Tony took a deep breath and started trailing after the man that he realized that the chair was moving on its own. Tony blinked in surprise, thoughts of electronics being powered by the slightest movement of the body, when he realized; mutants, and that was all the explanation he needed.
They came into a kitchen and the man got to work preparing some things for the wet boy.
Tony just sat at the table and dimly registered, after a while, a cup of hot chocolate in front of him as well as a towel draped over his shoulders. He sniffed and wiped again at his eyes. Tony looked up at the man who was slowly sipping at his own cup. He scratched at his cheek before looking back down, “So what do you do?”
The man smiled gently at the question and shrugged, “Mental stuff.”
Tony felt the small amount of amusement and concern float over the pity that had been present since he arrived, “And you’re name?”
“Charles Xavier.”
Tony nodded again. He knew that from the pictures on the website. He continued to think in his head again when he heard the same voice in his head.
‘I know you’re afraid Tony.’ The boy looked wide eyed at Charles and noticed that his lips weren’t moving. ‘You don’t have to be scared here.’
Tony just shook his head and looked back at the table, “…I can feel everything.” He whispered brokenly, “And I can’t turn it off. It hurts.” Tony heard the wheelchair move towards him and stop by his side.
“May I try something?”
Tony looked at the man, he took in the concern in both his features and emotions and nodded. He watched as Charles’s hand reached out slowly as if not to scare him and rest just behind his own head. The man nodded again and at Tony’s answering nod he closed his eyes.
Tony took a sharp breath as he started reliving his own memories as if on fast forward. From his first being of his father’s malice towards mutants, to the kidnapping, fear of his power and confusion about the gene being nowhere in his family tree, to the experiences at school, the cabbie, to the heartbreaking love in the car that passed him, his responding confusion and soul shattering realizations on the way to the school, all stopping to a sudden halt to meeting Charles.
Tony stared wide eyed and out of breath at the man who was breathing harshly as well. Charles blinked rapidly and locked eyes with the boy. Tony registered the matching moist states of both of their eyes and turned to look at the table, breaking eye contact. He bit his lip and calmed his breathing. Tony could feel the sadness rolling off of the man with pity mixed in lightly. He laughed bitterly and shook his head, “So… what’s the diagnosis doc?” Jokes were easy enough to say but the lack of conviction was what usually killed them.
Tony didn’t have any after remembering everything for a complete stranger.
Charles sighed and patted the boy’s shoulder, “You have one of the most profound gifts that I have seen.” At the answering empty laugh he continued, “I know you don’t think that, I know how you wish to not have it but there is no way to get rid of it Anthony. You have so much potential.”
“But how do I turn it off?” Tony asked looking back towards where they had entered into the kitchen, “I can’t live with feeling everything all of the time. I’ll go crazy.”
“You’ll learn in time how to better control your ability, I can’t say that you’ll be able to stop feeling but you will be able to function with the continuous flow. I already know of your current education status from you memories so you won’t have to enroll in some of the remedial classes.” Charles tilted his head to the side and smiled genuinely, “I do know that with the control of this power, you will be so much better off in life than most.”
Tony stared at Charles Xavier for a few moments and nodded, “Okay… but I can’t really be seen here.” He felt amusement waft through his senses again and became confused.
“You would be surprised with how discreet my staff and the children here are. I know that you aren’t used to it given the life you’ve grown up in, but I give my word that your secret is safe on these grounds.”
Tony studied the man’s emotions, facial expression, and words for a few moments before nodding.
And with that final acceptance, Tony Stark finally controlled the direction of his life, out from the influence of the public opinion and the influence and overall choices his father made, and he wouldn’t come to regret it.