Work Text:
Pledis Co., Ltd.
To whom it may concern:
With the new week on the horizon, management would like to remind employees that a person looking at you (especially if those people are your own members) is not harassment nor will it ever be harassment. With that being said, management would appreciate if the group Seventeen (we will not be naming any members) will not end up filing most of the harassment reports and complaints that HR will inevitably be getting this week.
Thank you in advance.
-Management
From the desk and studio of Lee Jihoon.
Just @ me next time Pledis.
-Jihoon
Pledis Co., Ltd.
To whom it may concern:
We can neither confirm nor deny who it is we are exactly talking about.
Thank you in advance.
-Management
[Complaint filed by Lee Jihoon]
Complainant’s name: Lee Jihoon
People involved: Yoon Jeonghan (who else???????? can make me so angry that I have to take out another complaint form from my desk, waste another form from my desk just so I can fucking have peace of mind)
Details of Complaint: He once again pulled some freaky shit in my studio and I caught him with another member in a “”compromising”” position. When I called him out on it, he said (and I fucking quote) “Jihoon it’s not like I’m fucking him in your studio.”
He was not indeed fucking the other member (who will not be named for his privacy because I don’t necessarily have beef with him) in my studio but he still was disrespecting the sanctity of my studio! He had the fucking gall to follow it up with “Why? Do you wanna join and also sit on my lap?”
Please. Put a stop to this fucking mad man.
Action Taken by Management: We’ll talk to Yoon Jeonghan for his comments, but it’s not really that big of a deal. Recommend Lee Jihoon to anger management as well?
[Complaint filed by Yoon Jeonghan]
Complainant’s name: Yoon Jeonghan
People involved: Lee Jihoon
Details of Complaint: I saw him filing out a complaint that looked like this before I left so I thought to myself why not also file one out ruin his record some more so he’d get annoyed, you know? Jihoon looks really cute when he’s annoyed but at the same time I know these things are anonymous so he won’t ever find out who really filed this complaint right? Only that someone filed it so I won’t really die.
Oh wait! Oh yeah, I was going to set the record straight!
I was in the studio and Seungcheol wasn’t really like explicitly sitting on my lap, he was just laying on my lap and I was playing with his hair when all of a sudden Jihoon came in and looked at us and said “Stop doing that in my studio.” So I said “Why? S’not like we’re doing anything bad like having sex in your studio.” Then he got really flustered like a virgin so that was really funny so I continued like “Why wanna sit on my lap?” then he forcibly moved us out of the studio.
Honestly I think Jihoon needs to get laid.
Action Taken by Management: Advise Yoon Jeonghan to stop intentionally provoking Lee Jihoon. Perhaps consider on helping Lee Jihoon laid.
[Note from HR Supervisor: If any of you try to help Lee Jihoon laid, I’d like to remind everyone that that’s going to border on sexual harassment and if Lee Jihoon reports that, it will be enough to get you fired.]
[Request Form filled by Choi Seungcheol]
Requester’s Name: Choi Seungcheol
Details of Request: It’s my family’s reunion soon and I would like to take three days off to visit them, even if it’s just for a little bit. Apparently, my older brother will finally propose to his girlfriend of three years in the reunion as well and I’d like to be there to give him filial support.
Verdict: Denied. Seventeen is far too busy for him to leave even if it’s just for three days. We need someone to watch over Seventeen and manage them.
[Complaint form filled by Yoon Jeonghan]
Complainant’s name: Yoon Jeonghan
People involved: Choi Seungcheol, management.
Details of Complaint: Listen here, if you don’t let Choi Seungcheol go to his family reunion for as long as it’s being held (which is seven days), I’ll do everything within my power to make the next few years I’ll be in this company hell. Seventeen won’t fucking die just because Seungcheol took seven days off (which is what he rightly deserves). So think about it very clearly and deeply, okay?
Action Taken by Management: Strong words with Yoon Jeonghan to discuss his behavior.
[Complaint form filled by Hong Jisoo]
Complainant’s name: Hong Jisoo
People involved: Choi Seungcheol, management.
Details of Complaint: You think Jihoon and Jeonghan are pains in the asses? You clearly haven’t met me. Now either Pledis gives Seungcheol the three days off (actually fuck that, give him seven days.) or I’ll go the KSA and file a formal complaint as this is clearly a violation of labor laws and contracts. Choi Seungcheol hasn’t used any of his sick leaves or any of his days off for the past three years and he is well within his right to use any of those.
For God’s sake, Seventeen has a leader line and if for some fucking reason that leader line fails, Seventeen also has me and Jeonghan as elders and they do respect us. To quote Jeonghan, Seventeen won’t fucking die just because Seungcheol took seven days off to visit his family for a reunion.
Action Taken by Management: Strong words with Hong Jisoo to discuss his behavior.
Pledis Co., Ltd.
Choi Seungcheol:
Your request of three days to visit your family has been granted. We wish for you to have a fruitful three days and safety as you embark back to Daegu.
-Management
From the desk and studio of Lee Jihoon.
Where is Seungcheol?
-Jihoon
From the desk of Yoon Jeonghan.
He’s in Daegu, visiting family.
-Jeonghan
P.S. use kakaotalk like an actual person Jihoon. We all know you’re a repressed nerd but that doesn’t mean you have to follow the stereotype to the T.
[Sexual Harassment Report filed by Lee Jihoon]
Complainant’s name: Lee Jihoon
People involved: Yoon Jeonghan (the bastard again!! Who scouted this guy? I want to have a few words with him)
Details of Complaint: He. Called. Me. A. Repressed. Nerd.
You know what this means? It means Yoon Jeonghan has been actively thinking about my sex life for how many days? How many months? How many years?
(cut for length)
Action Taken by Management: Never let Jihoon know who scouted Yoon Jeonghan. Actually find out if there’s internal conflict within Seventeen and investigate on the character of Yoon Jeonghan.
From the desk and studio of Lee Jihoon:
Listen management. I don’t actually hate Yoon Jeonghan, he’s just annoying but I do respect him and admire him a lot. He’s like a pillar of Seventeen. There is no internal conflict within Seventeen. Stop the investigation right away.
-Jihoon
[Kakaotalk messages between Lee Jihoon and Yoon Jeonghan]
[1004 Jeonghannie]
I know you loved me!
[Genius Woozi]
Stop this before I regret sticking up for you.
[1004 Jeonghannie]
[Genius Woozi]
Blocked. Reported. Currently writing a new complaint form as we speak.
Pledis Co., Ltd.
To whom it may concern:
While we appreciate our Chinese employees becoming friends with each other, we would like to remind everyone that talking in your native language while looking at people and then laughing can be taken as bullying by other people and thus we kindly ask for people to cease and desist doing this.
Thank you in advance!
-Management
From the desk of Seo Myungho.
你太弱了.
-徐明浩
From the desk of Joo Kyulkyung.
猪头
-周洁琼
From the desk of Moon Joonhwi.
They didn’t mean those things. They apologize for that, although we do dislike the narcissistic thought that we would expend any effort in talking bad about people in our native language. Actually, we also dislike the thought that you think we’re too much of a coward to let people know what we really think.
-Wen Junhui
[Kakaotalk messages from the group: “中国生肖：崛起!!”]
[p(inky)ristin]
Some days I think “oh wow pledis might be a good company”
and then they release a dumb memo
[kermit’s boyfriend]
you’re so right……..
was leaving china worth it for this?
for our members yes
for pledis? no
[moo(ju)n]
well.. this is what we chose.
we’re not really in any position to judge pledis.
we’re the ones who willingly put us here.
besides.
[p(inky)ristin]
somehow I agree with that but also I disagree
I came here because I thought it’d be better here.
it’s better in some ways but
also worse in a lot of ways.
[moo(ju)n]
;;-;;
well, we can always hope that they’ll change
besides our members are better anyways.
家家有本难念的经。
as they say. in every family there’s something bad about it.
there’s no such thing as perfect.
[p(inky)ristin]
you know sometimes I forget you’re older than us.
and then you hit us with a random old proverb that I only hear my grandfather say.
[Kakaotalk messages between Wen Junhui and Xu Minghao]
[moo(ju)n]
are you okay?
[kermit’s boyfriend]
I guess.
just tired.
I don’t like being treated like this, you know?
[moo(ju)n]
we can always ask one of the hyungs to send a complaint if you’d like?
[kermit’s boyfriend]
I don’t know.
where are you? are you in the dorm?
[moo(ju)n]
yeah.
you want me to go to your room?
[kermit’s boyfriend]
and sleep. like actually sleep.
[moo(ju)n]
I’m on my way!
[Complaint filed Kwon Soonyoung]
Complainant’s name: Kwon Soonyoung
People involved: Seo Myungho, Moon Joonhwi, Joo Kyulkyung, management
Details of Complaint: It has come to my attention that management has disrespected my fellow Chinese coworkers in a manner that cannot be acceptable. This kind of behavior from management is disappointing and I’m kind of (not kind of like a lot of) disappointed that this is the management representing me.
We demand a formal apology for the hurt that you have caused my precious dongsaengs!!!!!
Action Taken by Management: Formal apology has been sent to the people involved.
Pledis Co., Ltd.
To employees Moon Joonhwi, Seo Myungho and Joo Kyulyung:
It has come to our attention that we have said vaguely intolerant and ignorant remarks that have affected your feelings and emotions. It is not within our intention to hurt anyone’s feelings as we work very hard to have a flourishing and happy environment for all our employees.
We apologize if we have said anything that might imply otherwise.
-Management.
[Kakaotalk messages from the group: “中国生肖：崛起!!”]
[p(inky)ristin]
Some days I think “oh wow pledis might be a good company”
and then they release another dumb memo
that was such a bullshit apology.
[moo(ju)n]
but it might be the best that we could ever get?
[p(inky)ristin]
doesn’t mean we have to accept it.
[kermit’s boyfriend]
worrying over pledis is dumb
let’s just focus on our group and music
and take over korea
then china
then the whole world
[p(inky)ristin]
world domination.
I like that.
[moo(ju)n]
oh no
[Complaint filed Kim Mingyu]
Complainant’s name: Kim Mingyu
People involved: Kwon Soonyoung, Lee Chan
Details of Complaint: I think it’s funny that I can’t wake up early in the morning to make my boyfriend (which is Jeon Wonwoo, love of my life, light of my life, personally wakes me up every morning when I don’t wake up early I love him, please support him) seaweed soup on his birthday because it’s “saying you have a favorite in seventeen” (which is true I have a favorite and that is jeon wonwoo) but Hoshi and Chan can freely fuck in the practice room whenever they like. This is gay discrimination.
Action Taken by Management: Damn… Where to get a supportive relationship like Mingyu’s and Wonwoo’s? Also, side note: release another memo saying it’s bad to have sex in public places because these kids can’t seem to get it.
Pledis Co., Ltd.
To whom it may concern:
The practice room is not for intercourse. Please keep all bedroom activities in where they should be: the bedroom.
-Management
From the desk of Kwon Soonyoung.
you have opened a dam that you won’t be able to handle kim mingyu
-soonyoung
[Complaint filed Kwon Soonyoung]
Complainant’s name: Kwon Soonyoung
People involved: Jeon Wonwoo, Kim Mingyu
Details of Complaint: Yes hi, it’s me again. I doubt you remember me but I sent a report like two months ago when you kind of insulted my favorite dongsaengs (you did something about it but it was so bad but at least you tried) so I’m here again because a person called Kim Mingyu reported me and Chan having sex in the practice room (which?? isn’t a big deal? it wasn’t like full on fucking lol he’s such a baby) so I think it’s time to take out the receipts that I have compiled over the years of Kim Mingyu and Jeon Wonwoo fucking in places that aren’t suitable nor appropriate for fucking:
- That time when they thought no one was in the practice room and Kim Mingyu practically rode Jeon Wonwoo in front of the mirrors
- That time where they thought everyone in the bus was asleep (jokes on them I can’t sleep during the bus) and Mingyu gave Wonwoo a blowjob
- That time in the communal showers where Wonwoo repaid the favor and gave Mingyu not only a blowjob but a rimjob as well
(cut for length)
Action Taken by Management: Remind Kwon Soonyoung that fucking in public places is a big deal, and also remind him that there was no need of him to send a really graphic list of the places Jeon Wonwoo and Kim Mingyu has had sex in before.
[Complaint filed Jeon Wonwoo]
Complainant’s name: Jeon Wonwoo
People involved: Kwon Soonyoung, Kim Mingyu
Details of Complaint: Please put a stop to them. I don’t want my sex life to be discussed in the dorms nor by the management.
Action Taken by Management: We can try Jeon Wonwoo, but we won’t succeed.
From the desk of Choi Seungcheol,
Hello friends. Reminder from management that no one should fuck in public places nor snitch one another on where other people have done the dirty. Can’t believe this needs to be said.
Your leader,
Choi Seungcheol
From the desk of Kwon Soonyoung,
i think its real cute that you try to be the picture of virtue when your boyfriends are literally the devil 1 and devil 2
-soonyoung
[Complaint filed Kwon Soonyoung and Kim Mingyu]
Complainant’s name: Kwon Soonyoung and Kim Mingyu
People involved: Choi Seungcheol, Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo
Details of Complaint: We now temporarily have a truce in uncovering and making public each other’s sex life as we realized that there is an evil to be defeated: the problematic sex life of the 95 line.
In this thesis, we uncover the sexual lives of Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo and Choi Seungcheol and how they’re much more worse in comparison to the two of us. As everyone knows, Choi Seungcheol is someone who has a hard time saying no to his loved ones and is a bottom through and through, this is a nasty combination if you take into context that his boyfriends is literally a whiny needy virgin (Hong Jisoo) who has just discovered the magic of sex and the other is a lazy sadistic dom (Yoon Jeonghan) who takes pleasure in seeing his loved ones writher and suffer in pleasure.
We cannot count how many times we have awaken to them having sex, cannot count how many times we’ve caught them having sex in public and how many times they keep doing freaky shit that only belongs in the bedroom.
In this thesis, we will prove to you that the 95 line are sex addicted that should be stopped and possibly banned from doing any kind of sex other than vanilla.
(cut for length.)
Action Taken by Management: google how do you stop two members of seventeen spilling and sending complaints that rival sex fanfics at this point
[Complaint filed Lee Jihoon]
Complainant’s name: Lee Jihoon
People involved: Kwon Soonyoung, Kim Mingyu, Choi Seungcheol, Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo
Details of Complaint: Can’t you just kick them out?
Action Taken by Management: No we cannot.
[Kakaotalk messages between Choi Hansol and Boo Seungkwan]
[Sealkwan]
sjgsdkjg I miss you so much….
[Catsol]
babe…. I literally am in the room beside you
but I miss you too :- (
[Sealkwan]
come over…….
[Catsol]
I can’t :- (
[Sealkwan]
why ???
:-- ((((
[Catsol]
I’m working on new lyrics and if I go to you, then
dlkjsldgk you’re not gonna let me do work!!
[Sealkwan]
you work too much
[Catsol]
I know :- (
tell you what,
when preparations for this album is over let’s go on a date?
[Sealkwan]
….
Fine!!!!
I’ll hold you to that!
[Catsol]
now go to sleep!!
[Sealkwan]
all right…..
just go to sleep too okay???
good night!
love you!
[Catsol]
love you too!!
[Random excerpts of lyrics Choi Hansol wrote that night before he went to sleep at one am]
I was so shy in front of you
But now we’re meeting eyes
The moon seems closer today
/
Yeah I’m down down
If I’m with you, I can go anywhere
Good music plays
You and me, jiggy all night
Please don’t kill my vibe
Please don’t kill my high
Finally I realize
All along love was by my side
It’s true
[Complaint filed Lee Jihoon]
Complainant’s name: Lee Jihoon
People involved: Choi Hansol, (presumably Boo Seungkwan as well?)
Details of Complaint: He’s been looking at his phone for the past hour with a stupid look in his face. I don’t actually want you to do anything because he’s been working faster, better and more efficient. It’s just unnerving and I just wanted this to be in his record and folder.
Action Taken by Management: get Lee Jihoon laid
(Note from HR Supervisor: At this point I’m so tempted to approve of this action.)
[Kakaotalk messages between Lee Jihoon and Lee Seokmin]
[seokshine!]
hyung….
[Genius Woozi]
yes?
[seokshine!]
can you perhaps…
help me over something…
sldgjldskg
I feel embarrassed asking you for help…
[Genius Woozi]
what is it?
[seokshine!]
I mean,
I kinda want to learn how to write lyrics
and maybe produce a bit?
[Genius Woozi]
oh?
you want to try it out?
[seokshine!]
yes!!
I mean,
I kinda want to help you
because lately, you’ve been so stressed….
and I want to help you with that!!!
so you won’t get too stressed anymore!
[Genius Woozi]
oh!
don’t worry about that seokmin!
it’s my job!
[seokshine!]
but hyung….
[Genius Woozi]
tell you what.
why don’t you come over to the studio tomorrow
and I’ll teach you and give you tips on how to write?
[seokshine!]
really?
I’m looking forward to it!!!!!!!
[Kakaotalk messages between Hong Jisoo and Lee Jihoon]
[Genius Woozi]
please help
don’t tell jeonghan
[the real angel]
????
did someone die
[Genius Woozi]
no
probably
I don’t know
someone messaged me and my heart
is just beating so fast
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
[the real angel]
omg……
wow…
do you have a crush?
[Genius Woozi]
THAT’S DUMB.
YOURE DUMB.
HONG JISOO I MESSAGED YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SMART AND
ACTUALLY RATIONAL
I AM NOT IN LOVE
NOR DO I HAVE A CRUSH ON LEE SEOKMIN.
[the real angel]
I didn’t even say you had a crush on seokmin.
but that’s nice to know.
[Kakaotalk messages between Yoon Jeonghan and Lee Jihoon]
[1004 Jeonghannie]
[Genius Woozi]
I legitimately hope you die.
[Kakaotalk messages between Choi Seungcheol and Lee Jihoon]
[Coup d’etat]
if you hurt one hair on seokmin you will die
[Genius Woozi]
I love this vote of confidence
also im literally never telling anything to anyone part of the 95 line anymore
[Kakaotalk messages between Bumzu and Lee Jihoon]
[Genius Woozi]
please… don’t come to the studio tomorrow
[bumzoos]
haha don’t worry!
jeonghan, seungcheol, joshua told me you have a date tomorrow!
good luck! :- )
[Kakaotalk messages retrieved from the group: “SEVEN FOR BUBBLE POP TEEN FOR SAD ANGST”]
[Genius Woozi]
jeonghan seungcheol and joshua go die challenge
[Complaint filed by Lee Jihoon]
Complainant’s name: Lee Jihoon
People involved: Lee Seokmin
Details of Complaint: When he smiles, it’s too bright and my heart hurts and I don’t know what to do? Tell him to stop please?
Action Taken by Management: Oh my god….
From the desk of Yoon Jeonghan
Everyone, it’s my duty as the one who personally brought up Jihoon when he was a baby to announce that he has finally grown up and developed what we would call: grown-up feelings. I’ll be accepting gifts for it until next week, anyone who doesn’t give me or Jihoon a gift will immediately be shit talked about in my journal every night until you appease this.
-Jeonghan
From the desk and studio of Lee Jihoon
Die Jeonghan.
-Jihoon
From the desk of Lee Seokmin.
Congratulations Jihoon-hyung? I don’t really get it but congratulations!!!!! I’ll try to give you a gift before the week ends!
-Seokmin
From the desk and studio of Lee Jihoon
Thank you Seokmin.
-Jihoon
From the desk and studio of Lee Jihoon
Everyone is obligated to give me and Jeonghan a gift by the end of the week. The only people not obligated to do this is Lee Seokmin as he isn’t that annoying compared to the rest of you guys. Congratulations to myself indeed.
-Jihoon