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“Ash,” said Professor Oak, “Take a seat.”
“Uh... What is this about, Professor?” said Ash, doing as he was told. He sat in the chair opposite the sofa, where his mother and Oak sat side-by-side.
“We have something to talk to you about, dear,” said Ash's mom, perky as usual. “It's about your father.”
“My... father?”
Pikachu climbed up Ash's arm onto his shoulder. “Pikachu?”
“Yes, Ash, your father,” said his mom. She looked at him sadly. “You see, Ash, we've been hiding things from you for a long time, and we're sorry for that. We think it's time you knew the truth.”
“'We'?”
“Yes, we,” said Oak.
“Ash, I've been telling you that your father is a Pokemon Master somewhere in this great big world,” said his mom. “And he is a Pokemon Master...”
Oak blushed. “Oh, you!”
His mom giggled. “...but he's much closer than you think.”
Pikachu looked disturbed. He'd already figured it out. “P-pika...”
Ash, however, was much more dense. He gasped excitedly. “What? Is he here? Where is he?!”
His mom took Oak's hand and smiled. “Right in front of you.”
Ash blinked. “Huh?”
“Ash,” said Oak, “I am your father.”
For a long, long time, there was complete silence.
Then there wasn't.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”
“Yep,” said his mom, “Daddy Oak!”
“But... but Professor Oak! I think of you as grandfather!” Ash sputtered, “Not a... f-f-f-f-f-f-FATHER!”
Oak smiled. “Well, those things aren't too different.”
“They're completely different!”
“Oh... Maybe we shouldn't have told him,” said his mom.
“Now, Delilah, he's just a little shocked,” said Oak. He patted her hand. “And little boys can be grossed out by these things. I mean, now he has to think about us having sex, ha ha.”
“Oh god,” said Ash, turning pale, “I didn't think of that!”
Pikachu, also pale, rubbed Ash's back comfortingly. “P-pikapi... pikachu...”
“Oh my, we were wild in those days,” said Oak cheerfully. “Sex day in and day out! Sometimes people called the police, we were so loud. They said we were disturbing the peace.”
“Oh stop, Sam, you're embarrassing me!” said Ash's mom.
Ash held his head in his hands. “I'm going to puke...”
“But then Delilah got pregnant, and we had to settle down,” said Oak. “But we were such hippie rascals, we didn't want to be tied down. So we never got married. I even ended up moving into my own home. But we still stayed together, after all those years.”
“We would visit Sam in his lab all the time, and we hadn't realized you didn't know,” said Ash's mom. “After a while, it just seemed best not to tell you. Too much for your little mind to handle.”
“Wouldn't telling me sooner would have been better?!” said Ash. “Mom, please, tell me this is a joke!”
“Ash, I'm surprised at you!” said his mom. “You know I would never joke about such a thing.”
“Oh, but lying about it is fine...”
“We didn't want to lie to you, Ash,” said Oak, “We just didn't think you were ready.”
“If you'd just told me when I was little, I would be... wait,” said Ash, “Then... what about Gary?”
“What about him?”
“Well, I mean, Gary is your grandson!” said Ash. “But we're not related. So how can you be my father?”
“Oh, right. Well, Gary is my grandson,” said Oak, “But from a daughter that I had a long time ago, with another woman. So I suppose you could call him your... what, nephew? Cousin? Oh, I'm terrible at these relation things.”
“I'm... related to... Gary...?” Ash shuddered. “Ugggghhh this is so weird... This has to be a dream,” said Ash. He started pinching himself. “Wake up... wake up... wake up...”
Pikachu patted his head. “Pikachu...”
“That's it!” Ash grabbed Pikachu. “Pikachu! Shock me! Shock me and wake me up!”
Pikachu was shocked (ha ha). “Pikapi?!”
“Ash, don't be silly,” said his mom. “You're not dreaming. Put the poor dear down.”
“No! I've gotta be dreaming,” said Ash. He shook Pikachu back and forth. “Shock me! Shock me! Shock me!”
At this point, Pikachu was happy to oblige. Sparks flew from the mouse's cheeks, his little claws digging tightly into Ash's flesh. “Pii... kaaa...
...CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
–
“On the positive side... ow... we're all alive,” said Professor Oak. “We can't move without intense pain... ow... but we're alive. And the house is still intact, even!”
“I think Mr. Mime is coming too!” called Ash's mom from the other room.
“And you know now that you weren't dreaming,” Oak went on. “You know, Ash, when we're able to move again, we should go on a father-son fishing trip. Add some pages to your Pokedex. What do you say?”
“Sounds great,” Ash croaked. His burnt lips cracked when he spoke. “Ow...”
Pikachu wouldn't stop poking Ash's blackened face, making him wince with every touch. “Pi... pi... pi... pi...”
“P-Pikachu... please... stop...”
Ash's mom walked back into the room. She'd gotten the least of the shock, and so was taking care of everyone else. “How is everyone doing?”
“Better, now that you're here,” said Professor Oak. It took him a few seconds to pull his lips up in a smile. “Ouch...”
“Aww, Sammy,” said Ash's mom, laughing. “And how about you, Ash?”
“Never... urk... better...”
“Well, just tell me when you feel like you can move again and I'll get supper ready,” said his mom. “Careful lying down like that, you'll swallow your tongue!”
“Yes... mom...”
Ash's mom then walked over to Professor Oak, bending down to speak to him quietly. “I think he's starting to accept it.”
“Well, he'll have to eventually,” said Oak, “Hard to change it, you know! Except through time travel, of course.” He paused. “...let's keep him out of the forest for a while.”
“I'm sure he'll be fine,” she said, “I bet he'll grow to like having you as a father.” She kissed his scorched forehead. “He already knows you're a wonderful man.”
“Aww...” Oak gave another several-second smile. “Even if not for me, he'll have to give in to his beautiful mother.”
“Oh, stop!”
Ash watched them, craning his neck with a small grimace on his face.
“Look at them, Pikachu,” Ash croaked. “So happy...”
“Pikachu...”
“I feel sort of guilty now,” said Ash, turning to his electric rodent friend. “Sure, it's gross... And weird... But it could be worse, right?” He laughed. “My dad could be the leader of Team Rocket or something!”
“Oh, Ash, he couldn't have been your father,” said Ash's mom, having overheard him. “I only went out with him for a little while.”
They all laughed. Ash sighed as it died down, Pikachu wiping away the small tear in his eye for him.
“...wait, seriously?”
END