Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

DANGANRONPA: TEENAGE WASTELAND

PROLOGUE: BACK IN BLACK

I started to suspect today was going to be a bad day. Of course, I feel that way about most days- expecting the worst means you're more likely to be pleasantly surprised. Today, though. Today I was pretty sure was going to be a struggle.

It started right about when I realized the bed I was sleeping in wasn't mine.

The problem with expecting the worst, I realize, is that I significantly underestimate the universe's capacity to hurt me.

I threw off the covers, or tried to, but mostly I just tangled myself up in them. In the middle of a panic attack, even the simplest application of motor skills can become a terrifying ordeal. And while I would like to say that I used my steely-cold wits to keep calm under pressure... yeah, I was kind of freaking out.

Well, the first thing I needed to do was figure out exactly where I was. I'd have more time to panic once I had a proper grasp of what I had to panic about.

I was in a bedroom. Not mine. Already off to a bad start. All the standard furniture was there. Nightstand, desk, a chair or two. A curtain across one wall, presumably covering a window. A small refrigerator. There was a conspicuous absence of dead bodies, torture devices, or anything that would be in the room if this was a horror movie.

I glanced at the head of the bed. Right at eye level was one of the most eye-wateringly bad paintings I'd ever seen; it was some yellow-beige abstract number with brown splotches like a rotten banana.

I was definitely in a hotel room. Nobody would put something like this in their own house. It'd also explain the mini-fridge. Now I'd narrowed my situation down to two equally unappealing possibilities: I'd been abducted, or I'd rented the room. A place as nice as this would definitely hurt my checkbook.

I needed to get a better bearing on my surroundings. Well, before that I decided to grab a diet Panta from out of the mini-fridge. If I really had been kidnapped, I might as well take advantage of my kidnapper's generosity. After that , I was going to go exploring.

The window seemed like my best bet. I walked over to the wall, pulled aside the curtain and saw-

I blinked.

I blinked again.

A Ferris wheel?

A massive black-and-white Ferris wheel stood at the edge of the property. Winding coasters, festively-colored carousels, shops and restaurants. The entire plot of land, and I'd figure the hotel as well, was surrounded by a towering metal barrier.

An amusement park, in other words.

In a way, the absurdity of the situation was relaxing. Being abducted to some mysterious carnival isn't the kind of thing that happens in real life, so I could be sure this was one of Miss Suzumiya's subconscious fits, almost definitely some kind of closed space. I couldn't say I was pleased with the arrangement, but somehow this was a familiar kind of unfamiliarity- does that make sense? I'd experienced so much weirdness by this point that I felt casual about slipping into more of it.

But- these things always worked themselves out, right? Waking up in a strange place like this was hardly the worst situation I've ever had to claw myself out of (or more accurately, let Nagato and Koizumi claw me out of). So until I could find some way to make contact with them, all I had to do was stay out of trouble, and we could work on how to get out of here.

And, as if in response, there was a knock at the door.

"Maybe he's sick." A girl's voice. My age, maybe? Her speech had a bit of an accent to it, not from my region. If Haruhi really was responsible for me being dragged to a theme park halfway across the country I was going to- well, I wasn't going to do anything, I guess. But I wouldn't be happy.

「If he is sick, interrupting his rest by knocking on the door seems like it would be rather rude, wouldn't it?」This was, without a doubt, the sleaziest and most sarcastic voice I had ever heard. It felt like sitting on the subway next to someone who hasn't showered in a long time.

"But you already knocked."

「I never said that would make me opposed to it.」

"Could be no one's in here or nothin'."

「I can check. Would you like me to break down the door for you?」

"That'd be neat."

I ran for the doorknob. It jiggled in my hands, but the door didn't open. What kind of room locks from the outside?

Oh. A kidnapper's room. I'd almost forgotten. If this really was a horror movie I would probably be dead by now. The credits would list me as Teenager 3 or something.

「Ah. He's awake.」

"Are you Kyon?"

I really can't escape that name, can I? Wherever I go, it's already there. It obeys its own special laws of physics.

"Where am I?" I asked.

"The hotel," the girl said.

Oh, good. I'm glad I can have a productive conversation. "What hotel?"

"I don't know. I just woke up here, and talked to some people, and now I'm talking to you, I guess."

「It looks like we're here under the same circumstances. I can't remember anything that happened to me since last night.」

"...can I talk to the girl instead?" Hearing whoever this was talk made my skin crawl.

「I'm afraid I can't allow you to hit on her, Kyon. If this were a netorare manga, you would definitely seduce her from me. I understand we haven't met face-to-face, but this is the impression I get from you.」

I rubbed my temples. "I- Alright. Let's talk about something else. My room is locked. Can you tell me how to get out of my room?"

"You've probably got one of those electronic thingies in your pocket," the girl said. "Everyone has one. There's a lock by the door, and you swipe it, and the door opens. Like a card reader."

Everyone has one? How many people got roped into this?

Is that what that was? I thought it called room service or something. I patted my pockets- yes, there was definitely something there.

"What is this thing?" It looked like a PDA. Or a tiny TV. Or some science-fiction technology. A flat screen that fit in the palm of my hand, and lit up the moment I touched it.

First, KYON appeared, in bright white letters on a navy-blue background.

Then, E-PASSPORT.

After that, a few different programs popped up. This was pretty impressive. They made computers this small?

I swiped the passport, and the door clicked open. A girl in a salmon-colored school uniform and an upperclassman with a wide smile were standing in the hall.

"Hey," the girl said. "I'm Osaka. Nice to meet ya."

「I'm Kumagawa. I hope that we can become friends despite my shortcomings, Kyon.」

"How do you know-" I almost said ‘my name'. "-that name?"

「It's listed on your e-Passport. All of our profiles are there.」

Is that so? I hadn't looked that closely. He produced his own little tablet (the e-Passport, I guess), and with a few lazy taps, he brought up a new application. Guest Profiles. Seventeen in all.

Yep, there's that nickname. KYON (SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL CULTIST)

Super High School Level- what? What is that? I've never even heard of that before now. That title makes me sound like some kind of vigilante... and "cultist", did they have to be so vitriolic?

"Super High School Level Cultist..." Osaka murmured. "Are you, y'know, religious or anythin', Kyon?"

There are a lot of ways I could answer that question. "I'm still thinking on it."

"Yeah." She looked deep in thought. "...if it helps, ours aren't very nice either."

Kumagawa scrolled down further.

AYUMU "OSAKA" KASUGA (SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL UNDERACHIEVER)

And further still.

MISOGI KUMAGAWA (SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL LOSER)

"...That isn't great," I admitted.

「A lot of other people have shown up here, but they all have the same story. Nobody knows anything. Do you have any theories on why we woke up in this place, Kyon? I doubt we're here to ride the roller coasters. Even if it would be fun.」

"I think I should meet the rest of these people before I start using up energy investigating," I said. "I want to be sure that nobody has a clue what's happening."

Osaka smiled at that idea. "Yeah. New friends."

I wasn't so sure about that, but I liked her attitude. "So is everyone hanging out in the lobby, or?"

「They're around. There were a few outside on the street, but nobody wanted to talk to me. So I went back to the hotel and looked around for any major characters. After all, if this were a Shonen Jump manga, the cast would hardly be complete without two school friends, would it?」

He had already wormed his way into me being his friend, somehow. I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. This was the wrong time to make enemies. "Are you going to come with me or something?"

Osaka shook her head. "I'm gonna stick with Kumagawa for now."

She leaned in conspiratorially. "I need to keep him out of trouble," she whispered.

Normally I'd question the necessity of this, but considering who we're talking about... "That sounds like it's for the best." I said.

「Osaka, let's go exploring! We'll meet up with Kyon again soon enough.」

He and Osaka departed down the hall, leaving me alone by my room.

Well... I guess I'm going on a social excursion now.

Mean Street . The sign hung precariously over the road.

Calliope music played softly through hidden speakers. Christmas lights decorated the stores despite the summer heat. The avenue outside the hotel didn't look anything like the streets I was used to. It looked more like something out of an American movie, one of those types of films where kids sit on sidewalks and smoke and talk about their dreams. I suppose the goal of the design was to evoke some kind of nostalgia, but all it did was set my teeth on edge. The whole thing was unnatural.

The street led down to a roundabout with paths that forked out like the spokes of a wheel. Those paths in turn led to massive, closed gates. A dead end, in other words. The other end of the street cut off at the berm I'd already seen before, the towering wall that stretched on forever in every direction. We were cut off from the outside.

A closed circle is a literary term concerning a situation in which characters have been trapped in a location, unable to leave. A young couple's car breaks down in front of a gothic castle. Scientists are stranded on a spaceship with a hostile extraterrestrial entity. A train is immobilized by a snowstorm, trapping its passengers in with a murderer. Tensions are heightened because there is no chance of escape for the protagonists, and they must brave their misfortunes without outside help. It is especially useful for murder mysteries, limiting the suspects to a specific group of individuals rather than any possible intruder. Unless I suddenly tapped into my heretofore unknown superhuman jumping abilities, I wasn't getting over that wall, and there didn't appear to be any other obvious paths out of the park. This was definitely a closed circle. I'd know. I've been in one before.

Come to think of it, that particular closed circle was the prelude to a murder mystery.

Was that what this was going to be? Or was this something even more elaborate? This already had the added element of an ontological mystery (more new vocabulary: a mystery where characters wake up in an unknown location and must discover where they are, and why) without including the fact that this was in some kind of massive enclosed funhouse. What kind of amusement park would have such a giant wall around it? Wouldn't people know about a place like this?

Actually, upon closer inspection, this part of the "amusement park" doesn't have a lot of amusements. With few exceptions, the street was lined with shops and restaurants. No rides. There was the hotel I'd just left (the sign out front read "Hotel Kumafornia"- catchy), a penny arcade, and a building that looked like a theater, but from what I could tell this boulevard was designed for little more than wringing money out of tourists.

The e-Passport listed 16 "park guests". Counting me and the two I'd already met, that made thirteen guests I hadn't seen. The strangest thing was that I couldn't recognize any of the other names. Surely if this was Haruhi's doing, she would be involved somehow. What was the point of an adventure she couldn't star in? I was only the lackey, not the leading man. And what kind of names were these? Half of them sounded like foreigners. Was it possible we weren't in Japan?

Whatever. I'd just have to ask around a bit, get some answers. That is, if I could find anybody. The park looked like a pretty big place, and it wasn't very likely that I would just bump into somebody.

That thought was interrupted by me bumping into somebody.

I couldn't really see what had hit me, at first. I only figured it out when I looked down. A girl whose head came up to the height of my stomach was glaring daggers at me. I didn't know they had children here. She was wearing a uniform- maybe a junior high student, late elementary school at least- and had a lengthy wooden baton clenched tightly in her hand. No, wait. Not a baton. A practice sword for kendo. Do elementary schools have kendo teams? I don't think they do...

"Hey, kid," I said, "Are you lost? Do you know where your parents a-"

Some kind of violent blur whipped through my field of vision. Reflexively my arm shot out to intercept the blow, keeping my face and squishier anatomy out of harm's way. Unfortunately, it still stung like hell . I yowled and fell backwards onto the sidewalk.

The girl hefted her sword onto her shoulders. "Don't ever call me kid, dumbass! It's Taiga or ma'am, and nothing else! And if you try to look up my skirt while you're down there, I'll hit somewhere lower next time!"

Was she crazy? You'd have to have zero survival instincts to try something like that in my position! Wait, it was already obvious she was crazy when she tried to bash my head in, what am I trying to prove? Taiga, if me and Osaka and Kumagawa were on the e-Passport, she'd be on there too, right?

I rifled through my tablet. TAIGA AISAKA was listed in the e-Passport as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL NAPOLEON COMPLEX. I was starting to feel like I got off easy in the name department. The Super High School Level title confirmed one thing, though: she was actually a high school student. In fact, she might even be an upperclassman. Just an impressively minute one.

I would have tried to explain myself, really, but she didn't give me the opportunity. Taiga turned on her heels and sprinted in the opposite direction, making sure to shoot back a dirty look as she ran.

Great. I'd ruined that in an impressive 1.5 sentences. Behold the social butterfly Kyon.

I got off the floor and patted the dust off my jacket. I still had twelve more "guests" to find.

Hopefully they're not carrying heavy weaponry.

There was a light on at the Ice Cream Parlor. Someone had definitely decided to hole up in there. Hopefully they were a little more, ah, sociable than the last girl.

Despite the lack of visible employees, the parlor was exceptionally well-maintained. I could see my reflection in the checked floor tiles, and the seating looked like it had been cleaned recently. The menu, helpfully placed above the main counter, advertised a variety of flavors ranging from the standard to the more exotic. Some of them sounded like they'd taste pretty good.

Although none of that mattered, considering the man behind the freezer counter busily emptying it out.

He was matchstick thin, with a mess of brown hair and some chin scruff to match. With a practiced ease, he scooped himself a towering ice cream cone that looked more like an engineering puzzle than a dessert.

"...hello?" I asked more than said. I was hesitant to interrupt his work, but the moment he heard me he paused and looked up.

"Like, hey, man!" He said, casually balancing his leaning tower of ice cream. "You want me to whip one up for you?"

One of those cones? I probably wouldn't be able to hold it up. "It would melt before I could finish it," I said, or started to say, but he had already begun to create another gigantic stack.

"Not if you eat it fast," he said, and upturned the entire thing into his open maw. I was morbidly impressed. It reminded me of early school days where every kid on the playground would gather around the Kid Who Ate Bugs.

"Did you wake up here too?" I asked, still warily regarding the ice cream.

"Like, yeah," he said, "totally Creepsville. Everybody's looking for an exit, but no way am I gonna crawl around in some spooky amusement park looking for clues. Like, I get enough of that without volunteering! In my humble opinion, the only good part about a spooky amusement park is spooky amusement park food. So I followed my nose, and here I am!"

He glanced back at the second cone. "Like, uh, are you gonna finish that?"

I never even touched it... "Knock yourself out," I said, even though it might have been in bad taste. If he ate that much that quickly the brain freeze had the potential to kill him.

"Thanks. I'm Shaggy, by the way, Shaggy Rogers." He offered his hand, and we shook with a few awkward motions.

"I'm... Kyon," I managed. Trying to accept it now might be better than dragging it out.

According to the e-Passport, NORVILLE "SHAGGY" ROGERS was the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL GARBAGE DISPOSAL. I mean, he can definitely put it away. I'd seen it myself. Does he always gorge himself like this? If so, he had a hell of a metabolism.

"Do you have any idea at all why we're here?" I asked, although I already suspected the answer.

"Nope," he cheerfully responded. "It's probably like, just some crazy promotional stunt or something. Get kids to check out the park for free, get word of mouth going."

I seriously doubted that, but why crush his reality? "Have you met everyone here yet?"

"Not yet. Maybe after my snack." With that, he polished off his second cone with frightening agility. "Like, let me know if they find a security guard or something."

When I left the ice cream parlor he was already constructing a third cone.

I happened to bump into someone new right outside the parlor. Thankfully, not literally this time. I had enough of that for one lifetime. A girl with unruly curly hair in some fusion between a school uniform and dress robes was pacing the street, overlooking every shop with an analytical eye.

"You must be Kyon," she said, before I could even respond. "It's a Japanese name, right? There were only two other men with Japanese names here and I've already met them, although neither of them were particularly sociable, so I figured you were the last one so that would probably make you Kyon. I'm not sure how true these Super High School Level titles, but if you are a cultist I would like to keep some distance between us, and if you aren't then I'd like to discuss how we all ended up here."

How do I respond to that?

"I- uh- I'm not a cultist. I'm not with a movement or group or anything." Haruhiism is not a valid religion, despite what Itsuki might think. "Who are you?"

"Oh, Hermione Granger," she said, casually. "You would know that if you read the guest profiles."

HERMIONE GRANGER was listed in the e-Passport as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL PEDANT. The slight edge of truth to these titles was starting to sting.

"Hermione..." That name was hard to wrap my tongue around. "Do you know where we are?"

"I know about as much as you do, which probably isn't much. Everyone I've spoken to has the same story. They went to bed in their own rooms and woke up here. All of them are high school students, but that's the only common thread. They are from several different countries and some of them claim to be from different time periods. Some of them have outrageous stories about possessing supernatural abilities, or having them previously, but being unable to use them after arriving here. Normally I wouldn't believe stories like this, but it's happened to me too. I doubt anyone is lying. So, I would imagine someone used magic to call us all here, possibly from entirely different worlds or planes of existence. I've never heard of such powerful magic being used in modern times, but some of the older witches and wizards were definitely capable of it. What do you think?"

I think I just had a stroke. "Magic?"

Her eyes widened. "Oh, forget what I said. I've been talking to people who had much more interesting theories than that. My mind was wandering, is all."

I think I'll just shelve that thought for later. My time with the SOS Brigade taught me that going with the flow was the ultimate survival strategy. "So do you know a way out of here?"

"Not yet," she said, "I'm still exploring. But it should come to me. The gates are locked and can't be forced open, and the wall surrounding the park looks impossible to scale. I assume whoever has brought us here will reveal themselves and then make demands, or gloat, or possibly torture us. Then we can figure out how to escape captivity. Oh, or they could decide to kill us all. Then we wouldn't have to worry about it."

Well if you look at it that way- "Wait, I don't want to get killed !"

"Well of course you don't want to get killed! I don't either! That's why I'll keep looking for an exit. If you discover any leads, let me know."

"Yeah. Got it."

The more distance she put between us, the less intellectually cowed I felt.

Someone was loitering by the water fountains, and doing an excellent job at it. He looked like he was built to loiter. He looked purposelessly to the left, then the right, swaying lightly with an unfocused, tense energy.

The man seemed strikingly lonely. He probably would have seemed that way even in the middle of a crowd of people.

"Hey," I said. He looked at me, or maybe it's more accurate to say he pointed his head at me, because his expression didn't change at all.

"What do you want?" He asked, with a huff. Okay, not the best start.

"I was going to ask if you knew where we were or what we were doing here."

"This is an amusement park or something... I woke up... I got thirsty, so I went to the water fountain."

Hearing the same answer from every person I met was starting to get frustrating. "Why did we wake up here? Do you know?"

"I don't know, gosh! We probably just got kidnapped by a crazy guy."

Oh, if it's only just kidnapping, then...

"Do you have any plans on getting out?" I asked.

He reflected on this, I think. If anything was going on in his mind, it wasn't showing on the outside. "Uh. I guess the police are looking for me. I'm just gonna wait until my grandma comes and picks me up, and then I can go home. "

I couldn't think of a reply, so I didn't say anything. Eventually, the man leaned down to take a few slurps from the drinking fountain, wiped his mouth, and said:

"I'm Napoleon."

I don't believe you, is what I did not say. The e-Passport read NAPOLEON DYNAMITE (SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL MOUTH BREATHER), continuing the insulting theme of the SHSL titles.

"If the guy who kidnapped us shows up I'm gonna beat the heck out of him with my killer skills. I know like, all the illegal ninja moves from the government. I wish I had a-" Exhale. "-bo staff or some sais or something. I had them in my bag, but they took them away when I woke up here because I was too dangerous."

I did not for a second think that was true, but challenging him felt about as productive as challenging a brick wall, or a rock. "Well. If you learn anything new, let me know."

"Yeah, I'll probably do that," he said.

I'm not really sure if he noticed me leave.

"Hmmm," she said.

In my observations I had noticed that several of the stores on the street were kind of useless. A tobacconist's, a china shop, even what looked like a real estate office. These types of businesses have their place, but that place isn't an amusement park. It was the same with the florist. Rows of bouquets (fresh, no less) lined the shelves that the girl was currently poring over.

"Hey," I said.

She didn't respond.

"Hey," I tried again, a little louder. She didn't react.

What's the polite thing to do in this situation? I didn't want to yell to introduce myself, and I wasn't going to touch a stranger. On a whim, I decided to hold out my hand in front of her face.

She stopped, looked up, and pulled out her earbuds. Some loud pop-punk-rock type thing was blaring.

"Sorry," she said.

She was wearing an actual, real-life red riding hood. I didn't know those got made anymore.

"It's fine," I said. Normally this would be when she would say something like "My name is," or "Do you know how we got here?". She didn't. She didn't say anything. I stood there until I realized that she probably wasn't going to respond, and also I was an idiot.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Oh! I was- I don't talk to a lot of people so I didn't know if I was supposed to say something or if you were going to say something- were you going to say something? I'm Ruby. Do you have a special weapon?"

"Uh." The witticisms were fairly flowing now.

RUBY ROSE was registered in the e-Passport as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL FAILED PROTECTOR. Possibly a step up from "mouth breather" or "Napoleon complex". "Weapon?" I asked.

"You know, like, a machine gun sledgehammer or flail-pistol or something! I have a high-caliber sniper scythe but I didn't have it when I woke up, so I thought maybe you have one and you just didn't bring it with you or anything."

"...I don't have one of those." This conversation was starting to make me feel inadequate.

Her face fell. "Oh. Well... once I get my Crescent Rose back, I'm going to show it to you! It's really cool! You'll be totally impressed."

"It- it sounds really impressive," I said. Sniper-scyther-thing- what? I couldn't even form a mental image of that. "Do you happen to know where we are, or why?"

"Nope. I don't know anywhere like this. It doesn't look like somewhere I've been before or anything. Even the moon looks weird."

"I guess if you think about it, it really does," I said. Craters, they're crazy, right? "Are you going to be alright?"

"Yep! Don't worry about me!" She pointed at herself with her thumb. "You see anything weird, let me know. I'll keep ya safe."

I left the shop. The smell of the roses quickly faded from my memory.

"Chintzy piece of shit... who's buying these?"

There was a small display outside one of the stores, something like a magazine stand. Several cheap-looking stuffed toys were on sale, each depicting the same strange character: a monochromatic bear. They were exceptionally ugly. A man stood hunched in front of them, bear in hand, analyzing some poor Taiwanese kid's handiwork. And critiquing it.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, turning the bear over roughly, "did someone get paid to do this? How do you mess up a cross-stitch this bad? I guess when you're some big theme park corporation hotshot you can afford to cut corners..."

"Excuse me," I said, "do you know where... we... are..."

The first thing I noticed was how tall he was. Actually, the first thing I noticed was that scar running down his face. Or the skull on his shirt.

But really, I think the first and most frightening thing I noticed was his glare.

"What the hell are you looking at, huh?" He asked. I realized right away there was no good answer to this question, but before I could make my escape, his face softened up.

"Oh, I mean, uh- obviously you wouldn't know what you were looking at, because we haven't met before! So I wanted to tell you who I was! That's, uh, how I introduce myself." He looked almost apologetic. "Name's Kanji Tatsumi. Where the hell are we?"

"I was actually going to ask you," I said. He sighed and gave the display a kick, sending stuffed bears flying in every direction.

"Dammit! Stealing kids, holing ‘em up here, what kind of fucked-up person would do something like that? Mom's gonna be worried sick..."

KANJI TATSUMI was listed in my e-Passport as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL SWITCH HITTER. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I was definitely not going to ask him.

I picked up one of the toys. A pillowy stuffed bear, vertically bisected by color: a white left half, and a grinning red-and-black right half. Something had clearly gone wrong in the very conception of this toy. No child could ever love a thing like this.

"What is this thing?" I asked.

"The tag says they're Monokumas," Kanji said. "I think it's supposed to be the mascot or something. Dunno what PR guy picked out this ugly-ass design... hey, uh, have you seen a girl with a sword around here?"

"I wish I hadn't," I replied.

"Yeah... I was going to warn you about that. She's in kind of a shitty mood. Guess I can't blame her or anything, but you might want to steer clear for a while. That's what I'm doing, anyway." He halted, and revised his thoughts. "N-not that I'm scared of her or nothing. I ain't scared of a girl. I'm just saying because, you know, you might feel unsafe, and, I mean..."

He wiped the sweat from his forehead, and with a great suddenness turned around and began attacking the stuffed toy display.

"Fuckin' bears," he huffed, tearing the cheap fabric like tissue paper, "they're just pissing me off, that's all! N-nothing weird about this! You can go now!"

I left in a hurry.

After I'd power-walked as far away from- whatever that was- as possible, I ended up in front of the penny arcade. There were a few tables and chairs set up, maybe to sit down and eat pizza or admire whatever merchandise you'd purchased or something. One of those chairs was occupied by a particularly pensive-looking girl with glasses thick enough to light a fire with.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

She turned her head in my direction. Something about her expression gave me the feeling she could put a bullet between my eyes at a hundred paces.

"Are you the cultist?"

Oh, great. Another genius who read the guest profiles. Wait, how did she know I was Kyon? The profiles didn't have pictures.

"Uh," I said, "I'm not actually-"

"Is it the kind where you have to pay or the kind where you drink Kool-Aid? If it's the first one, I wanted to congratulate you on facilitating the flow of money from stupid people to smart people. If it's the second one, let's not talk. I'm not that bored, yet."

I- um- wow. Okay. Should I sit down for this? I decide to pull up a chair, since she isn't exactly raising any objections. Well, besides her look of consternation, but I think that might just be permanent.

...Actually, now that I've sat down, I can't think of anything to say. Something about her aura was overwhelming. It's not even like she has much of a physical presence, but she seems like the kind of person who could stop a party dead just by walking into the room.

Eventually, I composed my thoughts. "Who are you?"

She didn't bother vocalizing a response. She opened her e-Passport with a few swipes and presented her profile. DARIA MORGENDORFFER , listed as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL MISERY CHICK. More insults... who was writing these, anyway? And could I get mine changed?

"Do you know where we are?"

"I hope so. It would be terrible if we were all lost somewhere with no way to contact the outside. I'd miss Sick Sad World."

Okay, so maybe I was getting a little agitated. "Please. I'm serious."

"I'm about to tell you something that might be a little surprising, so don't feel the need to gasp or anything: I don't know where this is or why I'm here. It's flattering to be considered an arbiter of knowledge, but at the moment I am currently attempting to come to terms with the fact that I woke up in an abandoned amusement park and have no idea what happened to me or my family. If the same thing happened to you, then you can probably understand why harassing me with questions isn't something I'm particularly interested in right now. So, if it's not too much of an inconvenience, could you skip the interrogation for today?"

Well. I mean.

Suddenly I felt like an idiot. Everyone else had been so forthcoming with what they knew (which wasn't even that much in the first place) that I hadn't considered they were under any kind of emotional stress. I wasn't really sure what to say back. If I was more clever I'm sure I could have come up with a punchline, or comeback, or something.

Instead, I said "Is it alright if I just sit here for a while, then?"

"I guess. If you don't talk."

I just watched him. Slowly, and with great care, the man in the penny arcade ran his hands along the wall. Once he was satisfied, he would stop and move to another wall, pressing his palms to the surface as if looking for something. He probably would have kept on going if I hadn't interrupted him.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Without hesitation, he responded "Checking for Easter eggs."

He was a scrawny, meager looking kid. The dim light of the arcade didn't do him any favors, but I don't think even the most flattering light would be helpful.

"E- Easter eggs?"

He looked at me like I had tracked mud into the house. "You know. Secrets left by the dev. John Romero's head, Chris Houlihan, the credits in Adventure . Halliday's egg. You should know this stuff. Haven't you ever played a videogame?"

"...You think this is a videogame?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"I mean, I'm pretty sure this is OASIS. Why the hell else would I be at a theme park? I'm pretty sure those don't even exist anymore. I heard there are some rigs that make the graphics so good you can't tell it's a game, so I guess I'm in some weird module with a few bugs. Dunno how, but that seems like the most logical explanation."

Are we speaking a different language or something? "What's OASIS?"

"Huh. This must be a really intensive roleplaying world. That's probably why I'm not in my avatar. But I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford going off Ludus... Are you a player or an NPC?"

Now I'm getting asked existential questions. Am I an NPC in my own life? "Uh- a player." Untangling this kid's delusions was more trouble than I wanted to deal with. I switched into full "Yes, Haruhi" mode.

"Okay, alright. I'll play along," he said, with a wink. "So, what's the scenario, everyone wakes up in some weird place and we don't know what's going on? You think we passed into some kind of alternate universe, some Labyrinth-type thing? A Tron-type thing? Or like the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon? We have to find our way out of here, right?"

"No, we're supposed to stay here forever," I said. "Of course we need to leave! I don't know about you, but personally I'd like to get out of here as fast as possible. I have a life and stuff."

"Heh, not me. Everything back home sucks." He put his hands in his pockets. "I'm only at school for the free rig. Once I can get out of there, I'm gonna be a gunter full time. Then I'm gonna leave them all in the dust."

My e-passport recognized WADE "PARZIVAL" WATTS as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL PARIAH. These titles just get crueler and crueler...

"So, what are you going to do if that Easter egg plan doesn't work out?" I asked.

He thought about it.

"I'm going to play some Arkanoid".

The arcade had this little cafe area where you could order pizzas and sodas and things like that. The booths were clean, the lights were dim, and the carpeting had clearly been inspired by the Early Jazzercise Period. I was checking around for any more guests when I was pleasantly surprised: someone went up to me , for a change.

Blondes aren't especially common in Japan, so her hair color was a bit of a surprise, but aside from that she seemed like a perfectly ordinary girl, like the kind you'd find anywhere. That was nice. Something a little less weird, as a palate cleanser.

"Hey," she said, sliding in out of nowhere and casually ingratiating herself. "I'm Buffy. Sorry for the awkward introduction but considering we're all kind of-" she made a vague gesture at her surroundings- "In this mess, I wanted to go around and say hi and ask if anybody knows anything about why we're here and how we get out. Because I don't. That's kind of bad."

BUFFY SUMMERS was registered in the e-Passport as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL BLACK WIDOW. I couldn't see the correlation. I didn't want to, either.

"Thanks, but I was actually planning on asking you that. I don't know anything. I just woke up here." It feels weird being the one on the receiving end here. Don't take that out of context. "And you don't know anything, right?"

"Nope. Everyone's got the same story. Fell asleep, woke up, knockoff Disneyland. Dunno where ‘here' even is, but I can't be too far from Sunnydale. I mean, how far could I travel in one night, right?"

Alright, smooth sailing so far. Except for one thing. "Where is Sunnydale?"

"California."

"Like, America California?"

She stared. "Yeah."

Oh, okay, I know that one. Wait, hold on a second- does that mean we're in the US? It'd explain all the foreigners, but do they really all know fluent Japanese? Or is it that I somehow learned English overnight? In that case, what else did I do that I can't remember? Whatever, that's not important right now.

"I'm pretty sure that's on the other side of the ocean," I said.

Now this was news. "So did I get brought over or did you get brought over?" she asked.

"Maybe we all got brought over from somewhere. I think we come from a lot of different places. If it was a choice between Japan and America, though... I guess this could be America?" Because it's full of crazy people, I did not say.

Buffy took on a serious expression. She made this movement like she was going to put a hand on my shoulder, but thought better of it.

"You're going to be okay. If you see anything weird going on, let me know. I'll get you back wherever. I'm going to keep asking around and see if anything new comes up."

"Oh, I've already talked to most of the people on this side," I said, "they weren't very-"

She wasn't listening. She had already started to leave- actually, she was running for the door.

"If anyone dies, let me know!" she called, over her shoulder. "I'll take care of it!"

Clack! Clack! Clack!

Evidently, someone had discovered the arcade's air hockey tables. A man with tanned skin and some truly ostentatious golden headgear was playing a table by himself, slamming the puck into the goal completely unopposed.

"Aw yeah!" He said, successfully scoring another meaningless point. "62 to nothing! That's right, magic table, I'm the boss." With another hit of the striker, the puck shot into the goal a second time. "Boom, baby!"

"Uh..." I wasn't sure if I wanted to interrupt this. Whatever this was. "Looking for a second player?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. If you can handle it." He slapped the puck into the goal for another point. "Yes! Go Kuzco, it's your birthday, uh-huh..."

The e-Passport had EMPEROR KUZCO (Was that a title or his name? Did he have a last name?) marked down as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL TYRANT. Just from my first impression I doubted his capacity for cruelty... but I suppose you can't tell these kinds of things at a glance.

I took the other paddle. Kuzco's casual expression hardened into a determined look.

"Alright. Get in the groove, Kuzco. Harness the groove."

He slapped the puck towards me. I countered, and the puck soared past Kuzco's paddle into the goal.

"..." Kuzco said.

"...I'm really good at these games," I admitted. Hey, I may not be incredibly strong, or intelligent, or attractive, but I'm still... what was I talking about?

Kuzco pushed the puck away. "Yeah, I'm bored. Let's call it a draw. Good game, good game."

"What?"

"Come on," he said, "you're supposed to say ‘wow, Kuzco, you were great!' and then we shake hands and stuff. It's polite. You know, polite? Look, I'm trying the whole ‘humble emperor' thing, you gotta help me out here."

"You're a real emperor?" Duh, Kyon, you just read it in the e-Passport. Don't forget how to breathe next.

He did not look impressed "You see the hat? You aren't gonna get better proof of my emperoriness than that. Empire to command, check. Army of servants at my beck and call, check. Official theme song, you better believe that's a check. I could show you the whole business if we were actually there, but..."

"Do you know where we are right now?" I asked.

"Of course I know. Emperors have the emperor divinely-appointed sense of direction schtick going. We're in some kind of magic land of twisty coasters and breezy game tables and my finest guardsmen are probably running to save me right this second."

An emperor would be way more likely to have a search party going for him than some no-name high school students, but something still did not sit right with me about this. Just based on something Hermione had said...

"What year is it?" I asked him.

"Oh, it's the tenth b'ak'tun," he said, easily. "And three... four katuns? I always get it mixed up. I usually have people to remember that kind of thing for me, you know how it is."

Holy time dilation, Batman, the long count calendar hasn't been in use since Francisco Pizarro (although I wasn't about to explain that to him). Were we caught in some kind of chronological warp? I hope it isn't anything like the last time. If one more person asks me to get the phone...

"Oh, thanks," I said. "The, uh, the katuns always get me, too."

He nodded. "Hey, nice talking to you, peasant guy. I'm gonna perfect my game a little for now, but once we get out of here, you should roll by Kuzcotopia and see how seriously sweet my loot is."

"I will," I said. He went back to his hockey.

I actually thought she was a statue at first. Or someone in a costume. She was standing in front of the theater marquee, analyzing the show titles. There was nothing listed except a "Monokuma Meet And Greet", with no date given. Monokuma like, those ugly stuffed bears that guy was tearing up earlier? Did they have a full-sized costume for that?

"You can say something, you know," she said. I hadn't realized I was staring. Then again, I hadn't realized she could move either.

As far as I could tell this woman was entirely made of blue-and-silver metal. Sleek, angular plating mimicking clothing was adhered to a humanoid body. Obtuse triangles jutted out from the top of the head like antennae- oh, they're supposed to be pigtails. I just realized that.

"Uh," I replied, eloquently.

She smiled. Her teeth put me in mind of a car grill. "Have you never seen a robot before or something? I won't bite, honest!"

Shamefully inexperienced in the ways of the world as I was, I had in fact never seen a walking, talking, humanoid robot. Aliens, time-travellers, ESPers, and, yes, God, sure. Robots, no. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure what kind of thing a person would say to a robot. I thought to ask something meaningful or profound about the state of the universe, but she probably gets those questions all the time. "How do we massively decrease the amount of entropy in the universe?" must get old after a while.

Instead, I said: "Hi." I don't think future authors will be listing this conversation in those big collections of inspirational quotations.

"I'm Jenny!" She said. "Just think of me like a totally normal teenager who saves the world sometimes. No big deal."

According to the ever-helpful e-Passport, XJ-9 "JENNY" WAKEMAN was the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL WHITE ELEPHANT. A white elephant... a useless, unwanted, and overly expensive object. Who could write something this cold?

"Do you know why we're here?" I asked. I figure if anyone would be able to think of some logical solution to our imprisonment it would be the robot, right? Actually, now that there are real robots that act like people, is that kind of thinking offensive? This might take some getting used to.

She shook her head "No clue. I tried to fly out and get help, but someone shut down all my combat subroutines. No flying, no missiles, no atomizer ray, not even any stretchy arms! It's like when Mom puts on parental controls... but there's gotta be a way out! If we got in, we can get out. It's just science."

"I see," I said, casually agreeing with the girl who had recently told me about her previous missile-launching capabilities. I think I was just numb to my reality at this point.

She looked back up at the marquee.

"You think we can get some answers out of this Monokuma guy?" She asked.

"I hope so. Nobody I've met has any idea what's going on, except maybe being kidnapped. Why would anyone want to kidnap any of us, though?"

"Duh, because they're a bad guy," she said, as if this was self-evident. "Hey, let's talk later. I'm gonna walk around and see if everyone's safe. If anyone's hurt, you'll come let me know, right? I've got some first aid programming."

"Yeah. I'll let you know."

She headed down the street, towards the hotel. Her feet made soft but audible clang s with every step.

The theater wasn't particularly spacious. It looked more like a community center than a proper theater, with rows of folding chairs facing a simple stage. There was already a bedroom set that reminded me of where I'd woken up. Various costumes and props had been strewn across the set, but nothing caught my eye in particular. Except for the man in front, of course.

Standing on the stage was an absolute colossus of a man, at least two meters tall by my guess and rippling with muscle. He would take a hat and put it on, or take a prop and toy with it, before quickly losing interest and moving on to the next. In this manner he had efficiently cluttered the entire set.

I watched him for a while, until I finally caught his attention. Having an audience might have appealed to the performer in him, and he set up a trick. He took one of the dresses from the floor and twisted it until it made a rope. Then, he wrapped it around his throat, with a few quick tugs to show it was attached. With a flourish, he pulled hard on both ends of the rope, and it appeared to pass though his neck.

"I know that trick," I said.

He frowned. "‘Wow, what an incredible feat!' Would that be so hard?"

I wasn't much of a magic trick person. I knew they weren't real, and the process of performing the trick didn't matter because the magicians never explained how it was done. Admittedly, I was probably a little rude...

"I'm sorry," I said.

He waved it away. "Don't apologize! Obviously my natural charisma was lacking that time. If I could use my Hamon, then you'd definitely be entertained." He offered his hand.

"Name's Joseph. Joseph Joestar."

My e-Passport had JOSEPH "JOJO" JOESTAR registered as the SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL OEDIPUS. Whatever had happened to earn him that title was none of my business. I shook hands with him, even though he threatened to wrench my arm out of its socket. "Where the hell are we, anyway? Seems like everybody just woke up here," he said.

I had already stopped being surprised that nobody knew anything. I didn't have high hopes for the one person I hadn't already met to have any answers, either.

"I've been asking everyone, but nobody has any clue. It's an amusement park. It could be anywhere on the planet."

Joseph rubbed his chin. "Do you think it's a shared dream? I've heard sometimes people can have the same dream. Suddenly waking up in an amusement park seems like something that would happen in a dream, right?"

"If it was an dream, and I knew it was a dream, I could just fly out of here."

"Well," he said, "if you ever start flying, let me know. I'd like to see that!"

"Are you going to look for a way out?" I asked.

"Obviously I'm going to look for a way out! Granny Erina's gonna kill me if I disappear on her. I'm just taking a break, that's all. Just holler if you find anything. I'll be around."

With great seriousness, he slipped on another hat from the stage. A deerstalker.

The theater's "employee area" was fairly quiet. Just a break room for whatever minimum-wage flunkies were performing and a hallway leading backstage. A small kitchen, a table with some chairs, a coffee maker. Everything you'd need to escape from crowds of screaming kids for your mandated 30 minute break, except for booze.

Some odd hunch inspired me to check the refrigerator. Sure enough, there was still food in there. Some water bottles, some things in jars I didn't recognize- there was even a plastic-wrapped sandwich. It looked fresh.

"Not planning on stealing food, are we?" A scratchy voice asked.

I felt a sharp-clawed hand dig into my shoulder. I mentally reviewed my list of people I know who have claws, and, noticing that it was a pretty damn short list, started to get a little worried.

Now, I am happy to say that I did not scream a little when I turned around.

I am happy to say that, even if it isn't true or anything.

"Caught red-handed!" The monster said. "Committing brazen acts of theft in front of a lady! You are not making a very good first impression, Kyon! And the first impression is basically the most important impression there can be!"

It (she???) looked sort of human, but like a human designed by someone who didn't have a very thorough description of the species. Her skin was as grey and moist as a shark's, and she had teeth to match. Two candy-corn-colored horns poked up from her head. She leaned on a sturdy, metallic cane, and her eyes were hidden behind thick red-tinted sunglasses.

Naturally, the first thing I said was "Why are you calling me Kyon?"

She looked disappointed in me. "It's in your guest profile."

Of course.

"It looks like I'm going to have to be the smart one of the group. But that is fine! I will just do all the thinking for you and you can put the entirety of your trust and support on me."

Oh, this is definitely leading nowhere good. "What are you?"

"Oh! I forgot that you wouldn't know what a troll is. I've smelled so many humans on computer screens I didn't consider that you wouldn’t have seen a troll yet! I understand it is a lot to take in. If you want some time to grapple with your newfound insecurities, that is perfectly understandable."

Trolls. Like, under the bridge trolls? The more I attempted to grasp this the more I could feel my sanity draining. "Smelled... on a computer screen?"

"Yes! I'm glad this is getting through to you, Mr. Kyon."

"You mean you saw." I didn't even ask it like a question. I just sort of stated it, flatly.

"Well I obviously did not see anything, considering the small fact that I am blind! You are being very insensitive right now! Do you realize that you are engaging in first contact here? Don't say stupid things that are liable to make everyone laugh at you, like making fun of blind alien girls. This might be recorded for posterity."

The thought of any of this being immortalized for future generations was too horrifying to contemplate.

"So you're an alien. Who sees through smell." Look, I know I should be used to aliens by now, but I've only seen ones that looked like normal people, not scary shark creatures. I felt like I was in those parts of the map that ancient cartographers drew sea monsters in... which, come to think of it, was pretty appropriate, all things considering.

"Yes! You see, once you decide to turn your thinkpan on it isn't hard to understand at all. I'm Terezi. Don't forget my name the same way you forgot how to not be amusingly inept at everything." She followed that up with a cackle that sent a shiver up my spine. Never before have I wanted adult supervision more than I did right then.

TEREZI PYROPE was listed in the e-Passport as SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL HEMOPHILE. A quick mental review of root word and suffix meaning, and suddenly I felt even less comfortable than before.

"Do you know where we are?" I asked. Fifteenth time's the charm.

"We are probably in a dreambubble or alternate timeline or something. This would explain why there are so many humans around not being dead! But I can't say for sure until I am finished investigating all of the possibilities. All of them."

"So you don't know anything."

"I know that you are being an astonishing pain in my ass! That is basically a scientific fact at this point. I have been nothing but polite this entire time and you are being offensive!" Polite? Did I slip into the mirror universe or something?

Despite her words, her grin widened slightly, and it finally occurred to me: Oh. She's just screwing with me.

"Look," I said, "I've talked to a lot of people, and they didn't know what was going on either. I was hoping you would have some real answers." I really didn't want to get on anyone's bad side right away. I had gotten enough of that with Taiga.

"Great! I think I will forgive your ignorance, Kyon. Once I've thoroughly cleared the park of secrets, you will be the first to know. If I think you deserve them. Hehehe."

With that, she turned and walked out of the room, tapping out a path with her cane.

I remembered to shut the refrigerator door.

Okay. So that was everybody. Out of fifteen students, did they all have to be so... out-there? Obviously I'm as ordinary as can be, but these other kids all had, you know, something. I guess it's my natural habitat. Put Kyon in with the uberkids, teach him how not all men are created equal before he gets out of high school. Someone up there is laughing at me, or more accurately, someone down here. In a schoolgirl uniform.

I sighed. Alright. I can deal with this. I can get out of here. I'll just get Yuki to fix everything. She'll say some magic words and un-ruin the timestream, we'll all have a good laugh, and Haruhi will be kept at bay for another day. All will be well. Sure, I didn't have much of a plan of action for this, but just keeping the goal in mind did wonders for relieving my nerves. I almost started to relax.

And then...

The park's PA system crackled to life with the sound of bells. Not like church bells, or tubular bells or anything- a school bell. Out here, in an amusement park, presumably miles away from anything resembling education. And, following that, a high-pitched, cartoonish voice:

"The Monokuma Meet-And-Greet will be starting in about... right now! All guests should report to the Mean Street Theater for a memory-making evening of frivolity with, uh, me, Monokuma! I'll see you there! Puhuhuhuhuhuhu~!"

Normally I would be glad- I mean, this was what I wanted all along, someone who knew what was going on here to explain everything. But... that tone of voice made me uneasy. I can't explain it. It felt too light-hearted under these circumstances. I had this insane urge to stay where I was, just plant my feet and leave Monokuma to everyone else. But I'd have to be an idiot to stay away.

At least I didn't have to walk far. Outside the break room was a short hallway, and past that were the seats in front of the stage. Joseph, Jenny, and my shark friend had already arrived, which made sense considering they didn't actually arrive, they were already there at the theater. I really should have remembered that before I took that pointless train of thought. Everyone filed in in the next few minutes- Buffy and Hermione leading, seized by some inquisitive drive no doubt, and then about a dozen others with varying levels of visible interest. Kumagawa and Osaka were the last to show up, and they strolled in as leisurely as humanly possible.

"Hey," she waved. Kumagawa kept up the same sinister smile he had earlier in the day, the one that has a near-irresistible magnetic pull on my fist.

「Ah, this is everyone, isn't it? How disappointing. So many minor characters!」

"What the hell's going on , seriously!" Kanji complained. "I'm already sick of this funhouse."

"Yeah, we all are," Buffy said. "Just give it ten seconds, then we can wring some answers out of this guy."

"I don't like it." Napoleon's inflection reminded me of a kid pushing Brussels sprouts off his plate. "I wanna friggin' go home already, come on!"

Scattered chatter broke out, most of which I could only hear snippets of, and most of which was definitely complaining.

("That design is based on Getter Q, isn't it?" Wade said. "I'm impressed, she was only in episode 22 of the original anime. You've got good taste."

"Uh, thanks?" Jenny said.)

I took a seat near the front. Whatever this was going to be, I wanted to be as close as possible to it. Maybe I would absorb more information that way. I should try this trick on my teachers: "I would get better grades if I didn't sit second from the back, sir."

("Like, I'm not the only one who sees the totally scary m-m-m-monster over there, right?" Shaggy whispered, pointing in Terezi's direction.

Ruby elbowed him. "Don't be rude. Just because someone is scary beyond all reason doesn't mean they're evil, you know."

Kuzco inhaled. "Well, actually-")

Sitting in a big theater like this always makes me want some popcorn. I wish I had some right now-

The lights went out, one after the other. The curtains rolled back, revealing the stage, now with 100% less clutter. All scenery had been pushed to the side. It really was a lot more spacious now that they moved that bed out of the way. Wait, why am I talking like an interior decorator?

Spotlights flicked on, bathing the stage in an eerie glow. A drumroll crackled over the speakers as the lights gamboled, eventually settling on center stage. In a puff of smoke and rain of confetti appeared

a real life

living

breathing

teddy bear.

Huh.

A few yelps, whistles, and other vocalizations of surprise rose up from behind me ("Teddie?" Kanji asked, baffled) as I attempted to comprehend my new reality. It was the same design as the stuffed toys I'd seen in the stand on the street, but four feet tall and unsubtly alive . It wasn't some kid in a costume, I can tell that much. Maybe some sophisticated animatronic?

"Hello, and welcome!", the bear announced. "As of right now, all of you are guests in the most spectacular city of excitement and entertainment on planet Earth: Monokumaland! As your cuddly-wuddley host, Monokuma, I'll be taking a few questions from the audience to help them get settled into their new lives! But first, I'd like to go over-"

He paused, and squinted at something over my shoulder. I turned and saw Osaka with her hand raised.

"Are you a bear?" she asked.

This did not appear to be the question he was expecting. "...yes."

"Why?"

What is this, a comedy routine?

"Well, actually, that's an interesting- wait, dammit, don't get me distracted! I've got important things to say, and I know you'll all love listening to me talk, so this'll benefit everybody!"

He was so... cavalier, so upbeat, it honesty made me sick to my stomach. There was nothing friendly about this attitude. It made me think of a cat addressing a crowd of canaries. And- well, it'd be ridiculous to say I was afraid of something so cartoonish and surreal- I wanted nothing more than to leave that chair and sprint for the exit. I just couldn't move my legs.

"Hey!" Joseph shouted. "Do you work here?"

Monokuma waved his hand dismissively. "If you can even call it working! I'm just the mascot! I get paid to look cute and make sure the guests are having the beary best time they can possibly have! That's you squirts, in case you haven't figured it out."

("You know, I wasn't feeling it at first," Daria whispered, "but when he said ‘beary' instead of ‘very', I don't know, I think that really brightened up my day.")

"Where are we?" Taiga asked. "Why are we here? When do I get to go home?! What-"

"Ah, one question at a time!" Monokuma chided. "But I already said we're in Monokumaland, so I'll give you a mulligan on that one!"

That doesn't answer anything! Are we still in Japan? In America? Burkina Faso?

"But as for why you're here, well... isn't it obvious? You're here to have fun! High schoolers are under so much stress nowadays. Grades, sports, friendship, love, it's like the whole world's beating down on you! You lucky kids are currently on an all-expenses paid vacation at Monokumaland, where you are cordially invited to relax, detox, and generally just forget all your responsibilities! It's like your own personal Pleasure Island, or Wonderland, whichever one has the donkeys."

"Pleasure Island," Buffy said.

"Yeah, that one!"

"Does this vacation have an end date?" Hermione asked.

Monokuma's expression brightened at that, or as much as it could considering he couldn't really open his mouth or anything. "I'm glad you asked! I know a lot of you have been looking forward to the answer to that one, although I don't understand why, since I was led to believe that all of you would be eager as a beaver to leave your cares behind for a little while-"

"Hurry up!" That sounded like Napoleon.

"Just bear with me," he said, with enunciation that implied he thought his joke was hilarious, and hoped that we thought it was hilarious too. "I'll tell you! I know it's hard to be patient at your age, so I'll make it quick. Now, I'm a generous bear, and I figured that since this was such a nice place, I would extend your vacation indefinitely! You will all be held inside the park grounds for as long as you live! Please, try to contain your applause- I know it'll be hard!"

What?

What did he say?

Did he say as long as you live?!

"You can't do that!" That was Jenny, I think. I'm not much for thinking right now.

"Oh, don't worry! Monokumaland will provide for you! We promise top-quality customer service, ensuring that you are never wanting for the comforts of home! Aside from not being able to go home, I mean."

"Is this some kind of fucking joke?!" Kanji's chair rattled ominously behind me. "You expect us to just live here forever? Are you crazy?"

"One question at a time, please! But, since I'm so polite- No, yes, and the only thing crazy about this is how much of a deal you're getting! Bears don't lie, I'm telling nothing but the absolute truth: you never have to leave! And, even better, we've removed all ability to contact the outside world! All those pesky beeping pagers and phone texts are just another distraction that keeps people from really communicating with each other, so I've made beary sure that you won't find anything like that in here!"

Shaggy laughed nervously. "Like, haha, I get it. You sure can tell one mean joke, Mr. Monokuma guy! Now, can we please go home? Please?"

"Yeah, uh" Kuzco said, "We're all grateful for the R&R, but you kinda kidnapped me a little bit, so if you could just provide some ID so that my guards know who to arrest and throw in the dungeons, that'd be great. Thanks in advance."

"You don't get it!" Monokuma snapped. "You aren't allowed- I mean, there's no reason for you to ever want to leave! So you can't! How could you be so close-minded at such a young age? Is it really so hard to believe that you're in for an extended stay? Well, you'll wise up eventually! And you'll have plenty of time for that."

"Whether I choose to believe you isn't your concern," Terezi said, her grin replaced by a stern look. "What matters is how I am going to make you let me leave!"

"Geez, you kids." Monokuma rubbed the back of his head. "I could just cry. I set up this wonderful surprise for all of you, and none of you are thankful for it! But it's alright. I'll make it through this trying time in my life! If you really, really, really, really want to leave so desperately... well... there's one way to do it. If you really want!"

"Well, what is it?" Wade didn't seem particularly bothered by this, which was irritating me more by the second. "What magic talismans do we have to assemble? What keys do we have to gather?"

"Oh, nothing like that!" Monokuma chirped. "This is much more simple! You see, the goal of this vacation is to allow all of you a chance to live free from stressful influences! If one of you was determined to be a source of interference in this goal, then you would be escorted from the park! We have an image to maintain, after all."

"Are you saying that we have to hate each other to get out?" Daria asked. "Problem solved. Open the gates."

The bear laughed. Every syllable played my nerves like a drum. "I don't mean something that petty! Hate anyone you want, it's none of my business. You'd have to do something especially harmful to the park's public image for us to actually remove you! Something especially stress-inducing! Like, say...

...if you were to kill someone."

A few, unblemished seconds of silence followed. After that, screaming.

" Kill someone?! "

"Zoinks!"

"What the hell?"

"Oh, my God!"

I slid down in my seat. I had been completely enervated. I couldn't believe it. It had to all be some sick joke. Haruhi wouldn't do something like this, she wouldn't go this far, even in her imagination she wouldn't go this far! This wasn't right! This was- this was-

Monokuma continued unabated: "Crushing, shooting, stabbing, poisoning, strangulation, bludgeoning, electrocution, drowning, burying alive- doesn't matter, anything works! Just off 'em and you get kicked out. Any more advice I could give you would just be trampling on your natural creativity!"

My blood was ice. My body was paralyzed. Breathing was impossible.

"Why do we have to murder somebody?!" Ruby was frantic now.

"Clean the wax out of your ears, Red! You don't have to! You can just stay here the rest of your lives! In my opinion, a much more attractive option! But if you really are so bloodthirsty that you'd be willing to butcher a high schooler in cold blood to 'escape' from the funnest place around... well, you don't deserve Monokumaland! We can do without you! Even if I can admire your moxie!"

And then. As if. It could not get any worse.

「I have a question about this rule. If I were to kill everyone in this room right now, would I be able to leave?」

Nobody was talking now. I finally gained the strength to turn around, and look directly at this man, who had been quiet for the entire meeting. Standing so casually. Smiling.

"Wow, you're on the ball!" Monokuma beamed with pride. "Anyway, once you see the rules, everything you want to know will-"

A deafening CRACK rang out. With all her might, Taiga had taken her kendo sword and swung it over Kumagawa's head. Joseph and Kanji forced her to the ground as Kumagawa collapsed like a ragdoll.

For a second I thought he was dead. I thought he had been killed right there, and the whole horrible nightmare was over. But like Lazarus he rose up again, rubbing his head where the blood had begun to run down.

「Wow! I was sure a hit like that wouldn't have scratched me. I'm afraid I've gotten much weaker since my arrival here. I'll forgive you that blow, Taiga- but I wish you hadn't hit me in the first place.」

"Then don't say you're gonna freaking kill people, gosh !"

"We can't start fighting now!" Hermione said. "Not right after he tells us how to leave, that's just what he wants us to do!"

"What's the big deal?" Wade asked. "I mean, I guess I'll lose like three levels and a shield, but I can get that crap back once I graduate..."

"You can't be serious, can you?" Joseph apparently couldn't decide whether to be infuriated or incredulous, so he tried a mixture of both. "Everyone decides to crack open the joke books at this exact moment? Do you even realize what we're being asked to do?"

I averted my eyes. Buffy was striding casually towards the stage. What the hell was she up to?

"Just calm down, everyone," Ruby said, "Nobody is going to kill anybody. We'll get through this!"

"That's good. I wouldn't want t' kill anyone or anything." Osaka said, relieved.

In one fluid motion, Buffy had pulled herself on stage with Monokuma.

"Hey there! I understand you're excited by the news, but please remain in the audience until-"

Buffy punched him in the stomach. Monokuma split open, wires and gears pouring out of his torso like intestines. The bear fell in a heap, destroyed.

"Wow," she said. "That was easy. Well, time to pack it up, Papa Bear was a pushover."

She turned to leave just as- I rubbed my eyes- a second Monokuma waddled out to replace the first one.

"Rude!" He said, in the same childish voice as the last. "You couldn't wait until I introduced the rule about not attacking the mascot before attacking the mascot! Kids these days are so violent, it's terrible... But a good, corrective punishment will sort you out! Just so I don't get any repeat performances... Special Move, Thousand Lead Flower Petals . "

He made a few bizarre gestures, as if he were preparing to transform. Buffy shrugged and approached him again, but stopped at the sound of a loud, metallic whirr.

Up in the stage lights, there was something lowering, too dark to see clearly-

Something noisy-

Something dangerous-

A Gatling gun!

She stared, disbelieving. "Is that-"

Until now I have never heard a gun being fired. Not in real life.

Against this, all noise was nothing.

The bullets sprayed across the stage. Monokuma dove out of the fire as lead filled the air, perforating the wood. Buffy was on the ground in front of the stage with Jenny standing over her. It took me a moment to realize- Jenny had pulled her out of the line of fire. One of those metal pigtails had a single, smouldering hole punched in the side. She put a hand up to it and moved her mouth, wordlessly, until I learned that I had been deafened.

Sound faded back into reality. "...shouldn't be able to hurt me," she finished. "What happened to me?"

Monokuma poked his head back into view. "You know, if anybody has any lingering doubts they'd like to get off their chest, now would be a good time to hear them!"

Nobody said a word.

"Great! I'll update your e-Passports with the park rules at the earliest opportunity! Until then, try to stay safe! And if any of you are afraid of dying, try to die right away! You can only die once, after all!" The curtains closed and the lights went up once more, leaving us alone in the blaring silence of the room.

"Uh." Osaka said. "What happens now?"

"I don't... I can't... how is this for real?" Kuzco rubbed his temples under his headdress, looking surprisingly contemplative.

Taiga stood firm. "Well, here's a start: nobody's going to be killing anyone . I'll make sure of that."

"But, like..." Shaggy swallowed hard. "We have to stay here forever, or, k-k-kill somebody?"

"Neither of those sound particularly appealing," Daria said.

"'The winning move is not to play'," Wade quoted. "WarGames."

"Goddamn messed-up game," Kanji growled, "Trying to make kids kill each other... he's sick."

"That isn't up for debate right now," Terezi said. "Anyone can listen to this and say, 'That's immoral, that's depraved', anything that sounds good. But criminals hide their true selves from others. The question here is... who here would be willing to go through with it?"

There was no response. I looked from face to face, watching who looked away, who glanced from guest to guest as if analyzing whether they would be willing to kill- or maybe whether they would make an easy target. I wished I could have read their thoughts, seen what they were thinking. But some things I didn't need to guess. It was obvious from the beginning. I think everyone had the same thought that raced through my mind at that exact moment.

None of us could trust each other. Any one of us could turn at any time. None of us were safe.

And that was how my vacation began.

A thrill ride into the heart of darkness.

A rollercoaster of absolute despair.

DANGANRONPA: TEENAGE WASTELAND

PROLOGUE: BACK IN BLACK [END]

SURVIVING GUESTS: 16