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He can still hear the loud taunting laughs ringing in his ears, the feel of 8 hands violating his body as he screams out to deaf ears. He was, lost, staggering through the empty streets. The drug barely present; but the vivid memories won’t fade. His footsteps were loud in the quiet campus, he let out rough breaths, his legs shaking as he walked towards his dorm room. He remembers the way they pulled at his clothes; how they forced his legs open and shoved a cock in his mouth. The feel of a hand making collision with his cheeks still prominent. He can still feel the way fingers forced their way inside him. He jumped when a sound of a laugh resounded in the courtyard, his steps getting faster as the seconds passed until he was in a full run towards his dorm room. There was a chill in the air, goosebumps springing to life on his body as he reaches the door. A sob escapes his mouth when he shoves the key into the lock and twists it open.
“I-Im so-” a garbled sound leaves his mouth as he tries to apologize to empty space, the bed pushed up against the left wall, a lamp and bathroom. Minseok looks around quickly, a wild look in his eyes and his knees start to buckle beneath his weight. Minseok gasps out as he lets out a yell, running towards his bed he hurls the lamp against the wall across the room and watches his break into pieces.
“oh-oh gosh!” He sobs out.
Running to the bathroom door he shoves it open as he turns the water on and steps into the tub. The freezing cold water makes his clothes heavy, his pants stick to his legs as he drops to his knees, hunching over on the tub floor and crying out.
“p-please...I’m sorry…leave me alone.”
-
There's birds chirping when he opens his eyes, quickly wincing when bright sunlight hits his face.
“-Seok?! Minseok?!” a voice is heard through the loud sound in his head.
He lets out a groan and attempts to grab onto the side of the bathtub.
Bathtub…?
The bathroom door bursts open and there standing at the entrance is his worried boyfriend, Luhan.
“Minseok holy shit- the door… the front door was wide open I thought someone broke in, oh my god what are you doing?” Luhan rapidly says.
Luhan walks towards him and reaches down to grab his arm. Minseok flinches away and snatches his arm back against his chest.
“n-no please d-don’t touch me,” he weakly croaks out.
A look of confusion forms on Luhan’s face.
“Min? What the hell is going on with you? Let me help you out of the damn tub.”
Minseok lets out a loud breath, tears welling up in his eyes as he recalls the previous nights events, but doesn't let out a peep about it.
“N-No!” He yells out, slapping Luhan’s hand off his thigh and slowly sitting up. Luhan's eyes widen as he takes in the state of his boyfriend, clothing stuck to his body like a second layer of skin from the water, a collection of bruises on arms and a split lip.
“Minseok? What the hell happened to you?” He continues, taking small steps back to give him space to leave the tub. Luhan reaches his hand out to reach Minseok's cheek.
“I-I said No!” Minseok starts yelling out, hands flinging in all directions, a loud snap resounds in the small bathroom. Minseok gets quiet and recoils his hand back.
“what the hell-” Luhan looks up, bringing a palm up to his left cheek, where he was just struck in the face.
Minseok's eyes widen for a split second until he starts sobbing out “I-I told you not to touch me”
“Are you fucking psychotic? What the fuck is wrong with you” Luhan starts to yell
“I-I told you not to touch me but you wouldn't fucking liste-” Minseok starts screaming himself horse.
“I'm your boyfriend, I'm supposed to be worried about you! I found you in your goddamn bathtub surrounded by water! that's not fucking normal!” Luhan yells back, putting his hand down, a small red handprint visible and glowing red on his pale skin. Luhan grips Minseok’s arm, ignoring the kicking legs and nails piercing his arm.
He pulls up Minseok with force and pulls him out of the bathroom. Minseok goes silent when his bare feet hit the soft carpet.
Tears streaming down his face, he curls his arm around Luhan’s own and buries his face in his boyfriend's chest.
Minseok whimpers, “I'm… sorry Lu… I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.”
“It's okay baby, it's okay I'm not mad. I shouldn't have pressured you into anything.” Luhan whispers, bringing a hand up and softly caressing Minseok’s hair. Minseok looks up with eyes full of tears, leaning up and pressing a kiss onto Luhan’s lips. With him, he feels safe.
-
The door shut loudly an hour later. Luhan had gotten Minseok dressed into new, dry clothes and made him a cup of instant ramen. Now Minseok is left alone with his thoughts. Every little sounds making him jump. It was Saturday so he had no classes.
A beep caught his attention, slowly getting up he made his way towards the small dresser on the other side of the bed. When he unlocked the phone he was bombarded with texts from his best friend Baekhyun.
bun baek: Minseok?
bun baek: did you make it home safely?
bun baek: I didn't see you after you got dragged away by Jongdae at the party last night
bun baek: Minseok are you okay? please answer me
Minseok felt fresh tears well up into his eyes, with shaking fingers he pressed on the phone icon and called Baekhyun. A small sob escaped his throat when the call got connected.
“B-Baekhyun… can you come over?” His voice cracked when he spoke, a loud sob spilling out of his mouth.
“Minseok? Are you okay? I'm on my way hold on a bit. Keep me on the line don't hang up.” Baekhyun replied, sounding panicked.
“I-I don't want to be alone Baekhyun. Something happened last night and I don't feel safe being alone.” Minseok cried, sitting up further up his bed and putting his slippers on.
“It’s okay babes, its going to be okay just stay where you are im almost there.” baekhyun said.
Minseok looked down at the carpet, a quick line of tears falling down his cheeks. A knock was heard at the door a few minutes later. Minseok looked up and got up on small feet, making his way to the front door of his dorm room. His hand shook as he reached out, pressing a soft palm against the knob he slowly turned it open and stepped back as Baekhyun pushed open the door. Minseok let out a squeak when Baekhyun took him into a hug, dragging him to the bed and laying down.
“Are you ready to tell me, Minnie?” Baekhyun spoke softly, threading his fingers into Minseok’s raven hair. “I noticed a cut on your lip, and some bruises. I don’t want to accuse but, did Luhan do this to you?’
Minseok tightened his hold on Baekhyun’s waist and took in a sharp breath, “No. he would never touch me like that.”
Minseok felt a lump in his throat as a cry tried to come out.
“Y-yesterday at the party, after I left with Jongdae-” Minseok let out a hiccup, burrowing his head deeper into Baekhyun’s chest and continued on. “I was given a cup, I didn’t know what was in it, i was already a little drunk when they handed it to me. I remember a hand grabbing me from behind. I couldn’t find Jongdae anywhere and my mind was getting fuzzy.”
Baekhyun took in a sharp breath and his hand stopped moving when he realized what had happened. “Min you don’t have to continue if you don't want to”
Minseok shook his head and continued.
“I remember four men surrounding me in a room when the drug was starting to wear off, my pants were down my legs. The sight of a man between my thighs, placing his lips on them, another one was behind me, he was gripping my wrist so that I wouldn’t move. I remember attempting to scream out but he shoved his fingers in my mouth. A-a third guy started dragging my underwear down my legs and that’s when I started screaming louder and thrashing. There was another guy kneeling next to my head. He- he slapped me across the face, hence my split lip.” Minseok looked down at the small space between them, tears dripping down his face at a fast pace. He could still feel the pull of his insides. The way the men gripped his arms to the point he felt they were going to fall off. The trails of semen dripping down his face and how it covered his stomach and made him feel filthy.
“Min, Min it’s going to be fine, have you told Luhan?” Baekhyun’s voice was shaking, he was now looking directly at Minseok’s face. He didn’t know how to react. How does he react to something like this?
“No!” Minseok suddenly yelled out. “Luhan cannot know, he’ll think I’m dirty and I don’t want him to leave me.” Minseok cried out, loud sobs starting to escape his mouth as he let out what he was trying to keep in. “I don’t want to be alone. I want to tell him but I don’t know how. I’m disgusting! This happened because i was dumb and took something from someone I don’t know! I don’t even remember who the hell raped me!” Minseok was on the brink of sounding hysterical, Baekhyun had dragged them up into a sitting position, attempting to quiet down Minseok’s loud sobs, and his crying too.
“Minseok please calm down. We’ll find a way to figure this out.” Baekhyun sounded breathless, he didn’t know how to help his best friend except being there for him as support.
Minseok laid his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around his body, “I don’t want to do this alone… I don’t know what to do, how to handle this. I’m scared.”
“I told you you won’t be alone as long as I’m here”
-
After Baekhyun left, Minseok started trying to remember things from the event. It’s been an hour since he sat on his bed, dressed in a pair of shorts, hickies littering his skin, ones he doesn’t know got there, and a shirt.
Vague memories had filled his head. Words in a language he didn’t understand, the men, he remembers, were foreign. Blue eyes and blonde hair staring back at him, the words “exotic beauty” being said to him as if he was a rare animal.
Minseok felt goosebumps litter his skin, a shiver of discomfort running down his spine. He hasn’t been out of his dorm room since that day. Constant headaches chasing him in an infinite circle, his breath coming out in short gasps, clutching at his chest Minseok looked down at the carpet and let out a noise of despair. The thought that he'd have to go through this alone scaring him more than not having an idea of what happened in the first place.
-
It happened a few days later when Luhan finally found the time to visit him. They had been getting intimate on his couch— as intimate as Minseok will allow currently, though luhan thought he was trying to tease him. Luhan’s large hand was roaming his waist when a face popped up in Minseok’s mind; the face of an unknown monster laughing at him.
Minseok’s thoughts came back to reality when a hand ran up his exposed thigh, the mouth on his neck trailing up and continued leaving a bruise under his jaw. A sudden shiver overcame his body, barely there memories starting to come alive as his bottom lip was bitten. Memories of a different pair of lips biting and pulling his, unfamiliar rough hands gripping his hips as he was forced down on a—
Minseok’s eyes shot open when a sudden sensation of nausea washed over him. His hand shooting down when his boyfriends hand trailed towards the inside of his thigh, gripping the wrist he pushed him away and got up, dry heaving as he dropped onto his knees.
Luhan’s frantic voice could be heard outside the white noise of Minseok's head. “Minseok? Are you alright? Holy fuck.”
Minseok's chest was starting to rapidly move up and down, air trying to get back into his lungs as he gripped the soft carpet and coughed up a bitter tasting substance.
“Min? Hey babe what's going on are you okay?” Luhan rushed to his side on the floor, reaching to grab onto his boyfriends arm.
“Don't touch me!” Minseok yelled, cowering away from the touch, his hand slipping on the mess he left of the floor.
Luhan let out a frustrated sigh and pulled at his hair, unexpectedly reaching forward and forcefully dragging Minseok up by the arm and pushing him against the wall. “What the fuck is your problem huh? You're always fucking begging me through text message to come stay with you but you keep pushing me away. Don't bother asking me anymore—” Luhan was cut off by a sudden sensation blooming on his wrist. He looked down at Minseok's face, his small fist curled up near his stomach, eyes red and tears streaming down his cheeks.
“D-Don't put your-your hands on me like that,” Minseok said loudly, trying to push Luhan’s hands off his arm.
“are you serious Minseok? you're acting as if someone hurt you.” Luhan scoffed before speaking again, “don't text me if you're going to act like a bitch again.”
Luhan let go of his arm, walking backwards to grab his coat and opening the door. walking out of it, walking out on Minseok when he needs him the most.
-
Minseok kept looking at his phone, waiting for messages to appear from his boyfriend. His boyfriend that has disappeared without a trace. Minseok felt more alone now, more than ever. He's been relapsing since the day he and Luhan got into their fight, scratching at his wrist, scrubbing his thighs harder during a shower, his gums bleeding when he brushes to get the taste of semen out of his mouth.
He feels like he's floating when he puts the small white pill into his mouth, the terrors stop. The men haunting his mind disappear; but along with it comes the shouts of disappointment from his boyfriend, the look of disgust when he pushed him away from his body.
The dorm grew quiet—
There's a bark of laughter; he opens his eyes and he's back at the party. A cup in his hand full of something he doesn't even know. There's a hand on his hips now, slipping beneath his pants and squeezing his ass.
"You...you look so sexy." A rough unfamiliar voice says, Minseok giggles. A new pair of lips latch onto his neck, he's dragged down, his breath growing quicker and quicker as a cock pushes past his lips, forcing down his throat, two hand shoving his head back and forth as groans filled the room…
Minseok jerked up as his phone began ringing loudly. His eyebrows scrunched up when he didn’t recognize the number contacting him. He slid his finger across the screen and a voice speaking accented Korean filled his silent dorm.
“Are you free tonight, sweetcakes? I'm missing your tight hole.” the voice said.
Minseok let out a breath, opening his mouth to answer the nameless man on the other side of the receiver when a groan came spilling out of the other man.
“W-who are you? How did you get my numbe- why are you calling me?” Minseok said, a hitch being heard in his voice.
“Just answer my question dumb bitch, you weren’t this resisting back at the party,” the man said.
Minseok let out a squeal of fright, yelling back into the phone, “d-don’t call me anymore… i don’t know who you are, don’t ever try to find me… you’re disgusting.”
A laugh was heard from the other end as he scrambled to hang up the phone, getting up from his bed and making his way to the kitchen. His hands pushing away objects on the counter and looking for the bottle of pills he had hidden between pieces of fruit. Minseok let out a long string of breaths when he couldn’t find what he was looking for. He ran back to his room and grabbed his phone, dialing his boyfriend’s phone number, trying to get hold of someone, anyone.
“Hey-”
“Luha-”
“This is Luhan, please leave a message after the beep!”
Minseok let out a sob. He cries too much lately, he thought. Minseok let himself fall to the floor, accepting his reality, accepting that his boyfriend no longer wants anything to do with him, that his best friend grew tired of trying to help him get better. Minseok accepted it. He deserved what had happened to him. He pushes people away too easily and it finally caught up to him.
-
Minseok was pulling on his boots when a voice in his head started whispering to him.
“You’re making a mistake… he’s going to slam the door in your face. Stay in here, wallow in your misery.”
Minseok shook it off and wrapped his scarf around his neck, grabbing his phone and keys and walking out the door.
Minseok walked to Luhan’s apartment for a few minutes until he was steps away from the buzzer. He took a deep breath and reached a hand out, his finger lightly hitting the button and making a noise.
The machine beeped and finally a static voice came through, “hello?”
Minseok took a deep breath and opened his mouth.
“H-hey Lu, may I come in?”
It was silent for a few seconds until Luhan’s voice came out again.
“You know, Minseok, I don’t think that’s a very good idea-”
“Luhan please. I-I just want to talk, maybe go to the cafe nearby and get a cup?” Minseok’s voice sounded hopeful-desperate, pathetic even.
A sigh was heard until a soft “fine” was said, the door the apartment unlocking and opening up.
Minseok’s mouth formed a small smile as he looked up at Luhan. Luhan gave back an awkward smile and moved out of the way.
“I told you he didn’t want you here… he probably forgot about you already.” the voice continuously whispered in his head and Minseok was starting to believe it as Luhan was awkwardly shifting from foot to foot.
“Let me get some decent clothes on and we can uh, go.” Luhan said.
Minseok gave him a silent smile and looked down.
“When did their relationship start becoming like this?”
-
They were drinking americano’s when Luhan brought it up.
“So… what’s up with you? You’ve been acting weird since the party last month.” he said.
Minseok stopped sipping his drink when the question came up, nerves building up in his system.
“Do we need to speak about this in public? I don’t feel exactly comfortable with people around us.” he whispered back.
Luhan rolled his eyes and sighed, “no, Minseok. We are speaking about this right now whether you like it or not.”
Minseok let out a stuttery breath, letting out a small “fine” and looking up at him.
“T-there is nothing wrong with me-”
“That’s bullshit and you know it Minseok. You’re going to sit here and fucking tell me there is nothing wrong with you when there obviously is?!” his voice started rising, his hand reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small orange bottle and throwing it on the table.
Minseok’s eyes widened when he recognized what the bottle was, his name printed on the label that was on it.
“Lu-Lu you don’t understand, I need those to-”
“For what Minseok? What new lie are you going to come up with?” Luhan said, a piercing glare being directed towards him.
Minseok deeply inhaled. His throat clogging up as he tried getting the words out, bunching up his sleeves and looking up into Luhan’s eyes.
“I was raped,” he said.
Luhan sagged back into his chair, “wha-”
“I was raped at the frat party… a month ago. I-I didn’t know how to tell you. I was scared, and I’m sorry for not telling you. I felt you would be disgusted by me if you knew. I told Baekhyun not to tell you… I don’t know who the men were. I don’t even think they attend our university. I just- I was terrified and I’m sorry for not telling you.” Minseok was starting to ramble, words leaving his mouth without a second thought. Tears starting to stream down his face as he tried not to look at Luhan in the face; scared to know his reaction Minseok shot up from his seat and ran out of the cafe.
Luhan snapped out of his shock and got up on his feet, scrambling towards the direction Minseok ran to.
“Babe! Babe wait! Minseok?” Luhan started running after him, reaching a hand out as he caught up with him. He pulled Minseok towards his chest and put his head against his chest as the small body started violently shaking in his hold.
“Minseok? Oh my god I’m so sorry… you went through that by yourself? I-I don’t know what to. I’m so so so sorry baby.” Luhan’s voice started cracking as well, tears starting to stream down his face as he realized how much of a douche he’s been.
“I-I’m sorry I never told you, I was scared you were going to leave me. I understand if you do… i wouldn’t even me around someone as disgusting as myself if I were you.” Minseok sobbed out.
Luhan lightly pushed Minseok to an arms distance. “Oh Minseok… please don’t ever think i will leave you. I’m going to stay here with you, I’m going to help you. We’re going to get help together. I don’t ever want to see you finish this battle alone, I’m here for a reason.” Luhan went quiet for a few seconds sniffing as he wiped away Minseok’s tears. “I’m going to help you because I love you. Nobody should go through this alone, I love you so much.”
Minseok let out a tired breath, the voice in his head going mute.
“I love you too.”