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Why hello there.
Don’t worry Jedi, I’ve no intention of killing you or your friends. No matter how he rages, we all know he really doesn’t want that. Look, my weapon is holstered, my hands empty of anything else. Well yes, I am always armed with the force, but I can’t do much about that. But I truly am not here to fight.
Tsk tsk pretty boy pilot. Such bad manners. You don’t get to keep that now.
Why am I here? Curiosity mostly. I wanted to meet the girl who caused him to finally find the strength to kill that sleemo Snoke.
Oh, such surprise in your friends eyes. Did you not tell them? No, I suppose they wouldn’t have believed you would they, not after he made sure to have it spread so wide that you had done the deed. But he trusts us and we’ve been waiting so long to see that things carcass at our feet. He didn’t just do it for you, you know. You’re special, but not that special.
Really? I doubt he told you that. I’ve heard many things of you, none of them coming close to implying that you’re nothing.
Oh? Well, no wonder you refused him. I’ll have a talk with him if you like. He really could have phrased that better, but he’s such an awkward boy underneath all that bluster.
Oh now we both know that’s not true. Don’t lie to yourself and don’t lie to me. You almost took his hand, almost let it all go. A breath, a word could have tipped things either way. Yes, either way. Does it help, to know that he was just as close, just as on the edge? He’ll never admit it, but we can all see it. There’s a reason both of you had visions of the other’s turning. It’s actually surprising neither of you did, and yet now that I see you’re just as stubborn as he is it’s not surprising at all.
No, rebel Trooper? Never? You think it’s that simple? That she can just proclaim she will never fall and it will be true. Hah. What would you know about falling?
Oh Pilot. You really think it was that easy, that just one day Ben Solo woke up and decided to kill all the Jedi for no reason and the rest of us followed without question. How naïve.
Oh, now isn’t that interesting. You know, little Jedi, at least some of it. I can see it in your eyes. You know there’s more to the story. Who told you? Skywalker? I doubt that since he never even told his own sister what he did. Oh, did he? And how did you manage that? You took a lightsaber… Hah! Oh, I can see why he likes you now. You forced Luke Skywalker to tell you his sins at saber point. I’m starting to like you too.
But that’s not how you found out. You knew before you got Skywalker to confess. So, he told you then. I’m surprised you believed him. Ah, you didn’t, not at first. But you listened and thought about it. That’s more than anyone else ever did. Hmm… I really am starting to see why he likes you.
What sins? Oh pilot, if you knew… You haven’t told them Jedi? I suppose I’m not surprised. People need their heroes don’t they, and to tell that story would be to tarnish him. And after he saved them all I suppose it would be a poor way to repay him.
Shall I tell them then? Shall I tell them of the night that Ben Solo awoke to find his beloved uncle standing over him with a raised lightsaber?
Ah, they don’t believe me. Of course not. Why would they? But you do. You know. Tell them. Yes, that is exactly what happened. Who cares if he decided against it in the end? The moment Skywalker lit the saber the path was forged. Whether he was going to go through with it or not, Ben saw the raised weapon and came to the obvious conclusion.
Huh, I expected you to argue more Jedi. You agree? Well that is surprisingly clear sighted of you.
Oh shut up pilot! You know nothing of that night, only what people have been told by Skywalker. You’re all idiots. He was unconscious for most of it and in no position to know what really happened.
You think that was it? That after Ben collapsed the hut on Skywalker in self-defense… Yes, self-defense! Don’t try to argue this with me Pilot if you don’t want to lose your head. You think he just up and went on a rampage right after?
Do you want to know what really happened? You may regret asking.
Oh, I do like you little Jedi. You don’t shy away from hard truths, well for the most part. Yes, he told us about that, mostly because he was trying to understand your decision. We’re working on it with him, if it helps.
We want him to be happy. Does that surprise you?
I’ll tell you, Jedi, about that night because I truly think you want to know. Them, your friends, they think falling is so easy, like flipping a switch. But you know that things aren’t always so black and white. You’re a survivor. Survivors don’t live without shades of grey.
Shut up Pilot. Shut up and maybe you’ll learn something.
We all heard it when the hut collapsed. It made a lot of noise. None of use slept through it. We all got up and instantly felt something wrong in the force, but none of us knew what it was. We looked out and saw Ben’s collapsed hut. Of course we all ran to the temple to find out what had happened from Master Skywalker.
He wasn’t there of course, but we were all gathered, still confused about what had happened, when Ben Solo stumbled in.
I have never forgotten the look on his face as he entered and neither have any of my fellow Knights. He looked frightened and angry, yes, but mostly he just looked lost. You imagine he suddenly took on this visage of evil after the attack. He didn’t. He collapsed onto the floor and stared at his hands, absolutely lightyears away.
If he hadn’t been in shock, perhaps he would have thought about his next words. But he was in shock. Wouldn’t you be? Your uncle, your somewhat father figure, just tried to kill you and you thought you had just accidentally killed him in return when you lashed out to defend yourself. Yes, you would be in shock to.
So when we asked him what happened he was far too honest.
“He tried to kill me,” Ben said.
Who? We asked.
“He had his lightsaber raised,” Ben said. “He was going to kill me.” He looked up at us. There were tears in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to. I just reacted. He was going to kill me.” It sounded like he was pleading with us.
Who? We clamored again. A Sith? A rogue Jedi? Someone who stole a lightsaber? Who tried to kill you?
“Uncle Luke,” he whispered.
“You’re lying,” one of us yelled.
“He’d never…” Another said and we were all talking over each other, all saying how it couldn’t be true. Master Skywalker would never even consider…
And then one of us said, “Ben doesn’t lie.”
It’s true. We all knew it was true. Lying was beneath him. Even when it could get him out of trouble he never lied.
So we were silent for a moment, trying to reconcile this. Because Ben never lied, but if he wasn’t lying then that meant…
“You must have attacked him first,” someone finally accused.
Ben shook his head. “I was asleep,” he whispered. “I only woke when I heard the blade ignite.”
“Then you must have gone dark,” another said. All turned to look at the one who said this. She glared back. “We all know Master Skywalker has been worried about Ben falling. We all know he’s been getting more aggressive.”
“We all know it runs in the family,” some else agreed.
“Then it runs in Master Skywalker’s family too,” someone said. “Anyway, killing him in his sleep is not the Jedi way.”
“Well maybe all of us are tainted by being taught by a Skywalker,” someone else said.
We all started arguing again, but were stopped by a shout. “All of this doesn’t matter,” the one who accused Ben of going dark said. “He killed Master Skywalker.”
“It was an accident,” Ben protested.
“Was it?” The accuser loomed over Ben. “Or did you pull on the dark side?”
“I was defending myself,” Ben stood to face her.
“That’s an excuse.” Suddenly the accusers lightsaber was ignited.
Ben took a step back. “I didn’t mean to kill him and…” His face hardened. “He tried to kill me first.”
“We only have your word for it,” Ben’s accuser said.
“I don’t lie.”
“The dark side changes people. Who knows if that’s still true.”
“That’s enough,” someone else said, and suddenly there was another ignited lightsaber between the two. “We need to calm down and figure this out.”
“We need to bring this traitor to justice,” the accuser said.
“I’m not a traitor,” Ben said.
“You killed Master Skywalker.”
“I did,” Ben said with a stubborn tilt to his head. “And I’m not ashamed of it. I defended myself.”
“You killed him,” the accuser raised her lightsaber and charged Ben. Ben’s lightsaber was in his hand and he parried.
What happened next was mostly a blur. All of us ignited our sabers and started attacking one or the other, and then each other. None of us were thinking clearly, but we weren’t seriously trying to kill each other…
And then one of us was impaled.
It wasn’t by Ben, if you were wondering. Ben was still trying to defend himself from his first attacker, was still too much in shock to think about anything but parrying the strikes against him. It doesn’t really matter who made the strike and who fell anyways. One of us fell, and that’s when it all went to hell.
You’ve felt the dark side little Jedi. Kylo said you dove right into a cave of it and came out unscathed. I wonder how you did it. I envy your ability to just let it wash over you. None of us could do that, not that night. We were all tired and confused and angry. All of use let the dark in.
The fight became lethal. Nobody knew who was friend or foe anymore. We were just attacking our opponents, trying to take them down, and all the while something insidious was laughing at the slaughter.
When we finally came back to ourselves the temple was burning, and only seven of us still lived including Ben.
There had been less than thirty of us all together. Skywalker started with twelve, yes, but more came over the years. Less than thirty students between the ages of 16 and 25 and of that only seven lived through the fight. We didn’t learn until later that Snoke had used his influence through Ben to raise our aggression. At the time, we thought it was all our fault. Nobody remembered what side they started on, nobody even cared. All we knew was that we had the blood of our fellow apprentices on our hands.
“We have to get out of here,” Ben said finally. “We have to leave.”
The temple was burning around us. So we left. In a daze Ben led us to the hangar, to the largest transport the temple had. We all climbed in and Ben flew us out. He punched some coordinates into the nav computer, I’m not sure he even knows what they were. Where ever we emerged, it was the middle of nowhere.
That was for the best.
Hours, days, we’ve no idea how long we drifted there, just existing on that ship. All of us cried at some point, all of us shouted, all of us despaired. We never fought though, not really, not even petty arguments. We were too scared. Not one of us could bear the idea of having that aggression take over again and killing yet another one of our fellows.
There’s a reason Kylo is the only one of us who carries a lightsaber you know. None of the rest of us can bear to touch one.
Ben was the one who eventually pulled us out of it. One by one he came to us, telling us we had to move on, couldn’t just stay here and wallow. We needed to do something, to face what happened.
Oh no, little trooper. Wouldn’t it be so comforting if that is what we had done? At the first sign of trouble we ran to Snoke and let him take us. But you know better Pilot, don’t you? I remember. You were there for what happened next.
That look on your face is probably the best revenge I could ever dream of for what you and the rest did.
No, we didn’t go to Snoke. Ben told us about him, about how he had been whispering in his mind for so long, calling him. How Snoke wanted him to embrace the dark side, to become the new Darth Vader. All of us said we wanted nothing to do with him. Yes, including Ben. He was the most vehemently against it of all of us. Well, he had the most experience with Snoke at the time.
No, Ben urged us to go to his mother.
It made sense to us. We were just students, we had no idea how to deal with what had happened. We needed to get in touch with someone who could help us and get Ben away from Snokes influence. Organa wasn’t trained, but she had helped Skywalker with his research and she knew how to get in touch with the other Jedi in the galaxy.
Yes, there were others. The purge couldn’t wipe out all the Jedi and some of the survivors took apprentices. Skywalker’s academy was merely the most well known place to train in the force. There weren’t many, but there were still Jedi in the galaxy at the time.
So, we agreed to contact Bens mother where she was coordinating the beginnings of the Resistance against the First Order. We thought it was for the best.
Remember, we thought Skywalker was dead at this point, that we were the only witnesses to what happened at the temple. We never planned on lying about it. We wanted to tell everything, we wanted help in figuring out how to move on from this. We were always planning on explaining ourselves.
But… we at least thought we would get a chance to explain.
Ben sensed there was something wrong when we landed. That’s why he went out alone. We all watched on the viewport as he walked forward to try to greet his mother, but she took a step back and held up a hand, making him halt.
I think it was only then he noticed the expression on her face. It was half fury, half heartbreak.
“Ben,” she said. “How could you?”
“What?” He asked and then he was surrounded by blasters aimed straight at him.
What was it you said, Pilot, as you emerged from the shadows? Oh yes: “Ben Solo, you are under arrest for the destruction of the Jedi temple, the murder of your fellow apprentices, and the attempted murder of Luke Skywalker.” I think you put special emphasis on the word “attempted” didn’t you, as if you were trying to goad him with the fact that the attempt didn’t succeed.
Did you even feel at all guilty for aiming a blaster at someone who you once considered a friend? I know you weren’t the closest of companions, but Kylo said you used to get along at least. But you didn’t hesitate, not one of you did. After all, Luke Skywalker told you what had happened, and if Luke Skywalker said it was so…
Ben tried to explain, of course. He begged Organa to just listen, just let him tell her his side. He used to do that when he was a child too, he’s told us, when she caught him in a squabble with another and it looked like he was in the wrong. She never listened then, so even he wonders why he thought she would have listened when he was an adult.
She turned and left him to the mercies of you and your men.
Maybe it could have been salvaged. Ben was angry, but he would have surrendered. He still trusted that he would at least get a fair trial.
But whoever picked the squad to arrest him didn’t do their background research very well. Was that you Pilot? How could you not notice that one of the members of your squad had a sister who had been at the temple when it fell?
Of course the man wanted revenge.
And, well, what was Ben to think if he was getting shot at but that this was an execution.
I know you tried to salvage it Pilot. Remember, we were watching. You did try to reign in your men, but the moment Ben drew his Lightsaber all bets were off. So many bolts flying, and him just managing to parry them. Yes, some of them went back and hit some of your men. What did you expect? But he didn’t charge them, he didn’t try to cut them down. He just retreated into the ship. Luckily one of us had the presence of mind to fire it up so we could take off the moment he was inside.
Did the man who fired the first shot at least get court marshalled? He did? Good. At least you recognize that even a supposed Sith deserves a chance to surrender before being fired at.
Ben commed his mother one last time before we left. He asked her what Skywalker had told her.
“You fell to the dark side and burned down the temple,” she said harshly.
“And you believe him?” Ben asked.
“What else am I supposed to believe?”
He was silent for a moment. “Nothing I could say would change your mind once you’ve made it up,” he finally said and ended the call without even saying goodbye.
Oh? So she regrets how she handled that? Cold comfort now Pilot.
No Trooper, we didn’t go to Snoke then either.
Ben’s next idea was to try to contact his father. Han Solo, after all, was known to be of a bit looser morals. He would be more willing to give us the benefit of a doubt, we were sure, and he could act as an intermediary with Organa.
Ben commed him, left him a message, and waited.
And waited.
After two days he commed again.
This went on for two weeks before we convinced him to give up and the only reason we even managed was because someone , most likely not Han for all it matters, traced the com and sent a republic peacekeeper after us.
Han Solo runs from and ignores his problems, didn’t you know that? What did you expect?
We tried the rest of our families next, those of us who had them, but that was little better. The first we contacted was happy to see their child alive before they found out we were with Ben. The instant that happened they assumed the worst and we nearly were arrested again. After the third time something similar happened we gave up.
We retreated to the outer rim. It was clear that the core worlds would no longer welcome us. We regrouped on a little world near Nal Hutta.
That’s where the first Jedi found us.
Jedi Killer… You think Kylo got that name because he hunted them down. That’s not what happened, not at first. They sought us out, trying to kill us, trying to bring us to “justice.” We let the first one go, but he came back and ended up threatening the youngest of us with a lightsaber to the throat.
So Ben killed him.
After that he didn’t even try to hold off lethal blows. If they were going to hunt us, he was going to keep us safe.
Well, we were on the outer rim. Between slavers, gangs, pirates, and smugglers we all learned not to hold off lethal blows.
Ah yes, the Jedi knows what I’m talking about. Jakku is much the same, isn’t it?
We lasted for almost a year out there. We learned a lot of hard lessons on the way, but we were carving out a place for ourselves.
Then someone hired bounty hunters to come after us.
We’ve never been able to prove it, but we’re pretty sure it was Snoke. Ben was still resisting him then, still trying to stay Ben. Snoke needed something to drive him out of hiding. If they had just been coming after Ben it would have been fine, but someone put money on all of us. Jedi, you’ve seen a glimpse of protective Ben. I tell you now, that glimpse was just the tip of the asteroid when it comes to how fierce he gets when someone he truly cares about is in danger.
We were chased out of the outer rim.
Perhaps there were other options, perhaps we could have tried Organa again now that she had time to cool down, or perhaps we could have thrown ourselves to the mercy of the republic.
But we were tired and angry and just wanted it to end, and Ben knew it.
So he finally went to Snoke, only he went with a deal.
He would become what Snoke wanted, follow in his grandfathers footsteps, become his ultimate weapon, but only if he got to keep us as his people, answering only to him and Snoke through him.
Snoke agreed.
Ben knelt and became Kylo Ren.
Know that we all agreed to this. Ben would not have done it if we hadn’t. We were so tired, tired of running, tired of being afraid, tired of not having a place to belong. We knew exactly what we were getting into. We knew there would be blood on our hands in the end.
We knew it would be hell.
It was.
Kylo protected us as best he could. He kept us away from Snoke and, by extension, himself for the most part. That isolation from us suited Snoke fine of course. He wanted to make his apprentice loyal only to him. He tried to turn us on each other and on Kylo multiple times, but he underestimated our bond. We went through everything, we fell together. We were willing to pretend hatred of each other, we were willing to hurt each other, but we would never kill or maim another Knight. Kylo took the brunt of Snokes anger over this.
We hate what Snoke did to him, you know. All his life he was forced to conform to some ones expectations. He was the son of two war heroes and the heir to a Jedi legacy. The shadow of greatness loomed over him. Life on the outer rim may have been hell for us, but for the first time in his life he was free to be who he wanted.
Snoke forced him to try to be Darth Vader, to reach the unreachable idea that even Kylo knew didn’t really exist. He did his best. He threw everything of himself away, his name, his face and it was never enough. It would never be enough. And every time he failed, the blow landed on us.
Yes, now you understand. Now you know why he could kill his father even as it split his heart in two. It was him or us Jedi, and in the end he will always choose us over those who abandoned him when he needed it most.
We always planned to kill Snoke. Kylo always planned to take over the First Order, but not for the reasons you think. If he was in charge, we would be safe. The only person we would have to answer to would be him, and he would never harm us.
And Jedi, some of us are a bit angry that he almost lost sight of that over you. Just a warning.
So now you know.
Aw, does it make you uncomfortable Trooper? Does it make you ashamed, Pilot? You can handle it, Jedi, and for that I’m glad. You wouldn’t be able to withstand his love if you couldn’t. Yes, he loves you, but you knew that already.
Oh, Pilot, you really have learned nothing have you? Do we regret it? So interesting a question: Regret?
No.
Regrets are for those who feel they had a choice.
I didn’t say there weren’t other choices, I said we didn’t feel like we had them. Of course there were other choices. There are always other choices. But we couldn’t see them and nobody tried to help us find them.
Do we blame you? Yes. Are you surprised? One man came and told you a story he assumed was true. You never even questioned it, just condemned us on his word.
Oh, I do like you Jedi. May I call you Rey? Yes, that’s it exactly. He assumed our choices had already been made.
Such fire, Trooper. Monstrous… It’s a good word. Yes, we have all done monstrous things.
We are monsters.
We don’t deny it and we never will. Between all of us there is enough blood on our hands to taint an ocean. We know this. We chose this.
Our origins don’t excuse our actions. I didn’t tell you this story for your pity. I didn’t tell it to try to get your forgiveness. I don’t want it.
You’re unsettled now. Ah, don’t worry. Maybe this will haunt you for a bit, but you’ll find a way to justify your hatred again. As far as you know I’m lying. It’s not as if I can prove any of this and I am a user of the dark side. We are known for twisting stories to our own ends. You can’t really trust a word I say. I am, after all, a monster.
But you may wish to remember that monsters are rarely born, they’re most often made.
Good bye little Trooper, Pilot. Feel comfort in fleeing things you don’t want to know.
Something more you wish to say?
A message for him? Open that fancy bond of yours and tell him yourself.
Hmph, I’ll pass it along. Perhaps once he knows that you understand he will stop trying to convince himself he wants you dead. He’s still such a terrible liar, especially to himself.
Of course I was sent to kill you, or at least that’s what he told me to do. But he and I both knew I wouldn’t even try. He doesn’t want you dead Rey, not really. I don’t even think he blames you for refusing, however hurt he is over it. He does understand loyalty to friends. We’re a testament to that.
No, Rey he is a monster. We all are. If you wish to love him, you will have to acknowledge that. You may mitigate it, but you will not change it. If you cannot accept that, you must let him go.
But I think you’re strong enough that you can accept it. I wouldn’t have told you otherwise.