Chapter Text
CHAPTER ONE
The funeral was on a Wednesday.
Funerals were never a big deal on the Ark. Bellamy can count the number of funerals he went to on one hand, because they only did any celebration if the person who passed was someone of importance. Even then, he didn’t care about anyone they were mourning, but instead he looked at the clock, counting the moments until it was over. Then, when they were on the Ground, the original 100 died one after another, they didn’t have time for any fanfare.
So this is the first funeral Bellamy is a part of that makes him feel like someone’s punched a whole in his chest. Echo’s standing near him, close enough so he can pretend she’s touching him, but even she is afraid to be near him. His entire family are doing nothing more than staring at him, or the ground, or the gravestone. They feel fragmented as well, hovering around each other as if afraid to go anywhere near. Near each other, near the other Grounders.
Near the empty grave.
Bellamy doesn’t cry, though. He knows he should, but at this point, he doesn’t feel anything. He doesn’t feel anything other than empty. Someone’s talking in front of him, saying something about the importance of life, and there’s a woman screaming in the front. It takes Bellamy a while to realize it’s Abby. Kane is hold her, propping her up with his arms and she shrieks against his shirt. She’s crumbling before everyone’s eyes. It’s not a beautiful destruction. It’s painful and sharp, like needles lodging themselves in his spine.
He wishes he felt it. He wishes he felt something.
Instead, all he can do is stare at the gravestone in front of him. Madi is a few paces away, her eyes filled with tears, but stoic in a way he never expected the fiery teen to be. A few wayward tears skate down her cheek, but she’s staring ahead. Bellamy never wanted to admit the changes he saw in her after giving her the Flame, but they’re clear as day now. Gaia stands a few paces behind her, as does the majority of warriors who were once Wonkru, expressions clean. No one goes up to her.
There isn’t anyone who can, now.
He can almost hear her voice in his head, rolling her eyes as she tries not to say I told you so in a way that tells him that he’s wrong again without too much sarcasm.
Clarke Griffin
The name stares back at him.
Bellamy wishes he felt something. He wishes he felt the sorrow. The anger. The betrayal. All he sees is her name.
Funerals weren’t a big deal to him.
Until they were.
***
They met the residents of the new planet two weeks upon landing. Bellamy frowns when Madi steps forward, all twelve years of her, flanked with Clarke who’s crossing her arms as she approaches. No one even pretends to move with the two of them, a fierce team. Bellamy feels odd not being up there with Clarke, as if he’s not doing something they should. She doesn’t even look back to him, but falls back into a role she hates. Clarke does it though, because it needs to be done.
He does move close enough to be in earshot, the rest of the Spacekru joining him. Raven catches his eyes and lifts an eyebrow, so he shrugs. He can sense the subtext (‘How are we back in this situation’), but he focuses on the man before him and the guns trained on them.
“Interesting strategy, having a child in charge.” The man states, eyeing Madi. He startles a bit, but not from the child, but when he turns his attention to Clarke. Bellamy would give money to have seen the look she gave him. He’s a stately man that is weathered through trials, salt and pepper littering his hair. He stares at Clarke and Madi with a cool indifference, as if he’s sizing the lot of them up, which Bellamy supposes he is. Doesn’t mean he won’t take his hand off his gun.
“The Eligius crew was not a summer camp,” the man continues. “We are under no obligation to give you anything.”
“We’re not asking for you to give us everything we need.” Clarke states, the members of Wonkru restless behind her. Bellamy forgets the length at which the Grounders are loyal to the Flame, clearly unhappy that Clarke’s taken charge. Except Madi doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he can almost feel the relief rolling off her in waves, the twelve-year-old hovering closer to Clarke. “What we’re asking is for assistance to understand the terrain and to figure out a way we can live peacefully.”
“Why would we do that?” The man asks. “What would we get in return?”
“We have farmers, doctors, engineers.” Clarke states. “We can work out a deal. Not to mention, we’re all that’s left of the human race. That has to count for something.”
The man isn’t distressed by this. “The human race never did anything for us. It sent us to die while filling our lungs with cancer. It abandoned us on a hostile planet and left us to figure it out. That’s what the human race did.”
“I understand.” Clarke says and the man snorts. “I’m not lying, I do understand. I was sent to a hostile world to die and figured it out as I went along.” She states and Bellamy can feel everyone around them stiffen with the tension behind her words. “Humanity has done horrible things to each other since its conception. I think it’s time to break the cycle. We have an opportunity to start over. All we’re asking is that you give us that chance.”
The man’s eyes narrow. Everyone holds their breath as he thinks about it. “My name’s Russell.” He states, offering his hand to Clarke. Clarke takes it without hesitation.
“Clarke.” She states.
“I’m not sure why you have the tiny tot with you.” Russell says, nodding to Madi. Madi’s hands instinctively reach for her sword, Clarke gently placing her hand over the teen’s. Russell’s eyebrows lift again at the motion. “Bodyguard?”
“Commander.” Madi snaps, her eyes darkening.
“I didn’t realize we’ve gone back to the middle ages.” Russell states calmly.
“I don’t think sniping is the best way to start a new relationship.” Clarke says quickly.
“Neither is stabbing, but call me old fashioned.” Russell quips.
Putting her hands up gently between the two, Clarke clears her throat. “We can work out the details another time.”
Russell thinks about this for a moment. “You can come. I don’t want the toddler.”
In a quick movement, Madi unsheathes her sword. “Excuse me?”
“Children shouldn’t play with toys that they could hurt themselves on.” Russell states.
“I’m sorry, but Madi needs to be there.” Clarke states, raising his hands even higher.
Russell smirks. “As long as her guardian is present.”
Clarke doesn’t flinch.
“I’ll be there.”
***
It’s three months since Clarke left. Or, rather, was forced to leave.
Bellamy passes what used to be Madi and Clarke’s house, looking into the window as if he’d see her there. Bellamy has known Clarke to be absent in many different scenarios, some willingly, some forced. When Russell suggested that Clarke stay with them for a while, Bellamy watched the color drain from her face. To anyone else, they wouldn’t notice a change, but he watches her hands clench.
Clarke didn’t look at anyone. Bellamy turned to face Madi, fully expecting her to argue to the point. Except she doesn’t. He startles at this, waiting for Madi to say something. When she doesn’t, he can’t stop himself from saying, “No!” The words bursts out before he can stop it, and everyone whips their head in his direction.
Including Clarke.
Her blue eyes pierce him, watery and filled with fire. He can’t bring himself to look away. It’s the most intimate expression he’s shared with her since he can remember. She’s staring at him like he’s the only thing that’s keeping her from floating away. Redness creeps into her eyes and all he wants is to make it go away.
“I’m sorry?” Russell asked that day, his impish eyes growing malicious. “What did you say?”
“You can’t just take Clarke.” Bellamy continues, trying to ignore everyone’s gaze on him. “We aren’t trading people. That was not part of the deal.”
“You want us to have a relationship?” Russell asks sharply. “Then you need to prove that you are willing to part with something important. And I think it would be beneficial to have Clarke in our world, so we can understand each other. She’ll gain insight to my people, and I will gain insight to you.”
“What’s there to understand?” Bellamy exclaims. “We are people who want to find a way to live well. You don’t need any of us – especially Clarke – to understand that!”
“It’s not about understanding wanting a good life, boy.” Russell states and Bellamy’s anger rises. He’s feeling the balance of head and heart disappearing, leaving him to only feel rage. “What I want is insurance.”
“Insurance?” Clarke repeats, finally tearing her attention away from Bellamy.
“It’s clear that you play an important role within this world.” Russell says.
“I think you overestimate my importance.” Clarke states quickly.
Russell’s gaze flitted to Bellamy. Bellamy knows in that moment that he’s transparent. “I don’t think I am.” He says. “It won’t be for long. You’ll live with us for a while and then you can return to your people.” Clarke lifts an eyebrow. “You won’t be a prisoner, Clarke. You will be able to return home.”
Clarke’s gaze falls to the ground.
Bellamy can’t believe his ears. “Madi, you can’t possibly be okay with this.”
Madi doesn’t respond right away. She turns her attention to Indra at her side, who lifts her eyebrow at the insinuation. Clarke doesn’t even look at her. Gaia steps forward and whispers something in Madi’s ear. Madi’s eyes water, but she sets herself. “If Clarke goes with you, you will leave us in peace?”
Russell nods. “You have my word.”
Clarke looks to the sky, her hands on her hips. Bellamy knows that she’s keeping herself from falling apart, as Clarke does. He doesn’t even need to hear Madi’s decision. He knows.
Hearing it is painful nonetheless.
“Alright.”
Clarke doesn’t look anyone in the eye. Bellamy gazes at everyone, waiting for someone to argue, but no one does. They’ve done this before. One life for many. He’s offered, she’s offered… they’ve offered people up. Time after time, they’ve decided who lived and who died. He gets it.
And he hates it. “No, that isn’t—”
“Bellamy, please.” Clarke snaps.
Bellamy stops mid-word at her exclamation. “I’ll see you first thing in the morning.” Russell says with a grin.
Clarke leaves without a word.
Bellamy rounds on Madi once Russell leaves. “What are you thinking?” He cries.
“I’m thinking of what is best for my people.” Madi says, her words even with a maturity that makes his hair stand on end. “And it isn’t forever.” Madi says, but Bellamy wonders if it’s more for herself than him. “She’ll come back.”
Bellamy stares. “Madi—”
“I have to do what’s best for what good for the most people. Clarke taught me that.”
Bellamy knows in some small part of him, she’s right. He can almost hear Clarke’s voice in his head, telling him to think with his head instead of his heart. It’s something he’s heard for years and years. And for the first time, he wants to ignore it.
Storming away from the group, Bellamy follows Clarke’s path until he reaches her cabin. They’d been building them as quickly as possible, Madi getting the first cabin due to her Commander status. He goes up to the door, reaching for the door handle before he sees it through the window.
Clarke is standing in the middle of the room, her arms wrapped around her chest. One hand is up against her mouth as she cries, crumpling further to the ground until she has to place her free hand to the floor to keep her from laying down. Her forehead touches the ground as she cries, curling upon herself. Bellamy feels like he’s watching an intimate moment he shouldn’t be privy too, but at the same time, he can’t ignore it.
Opening the door, Bellamy barges into cabin but Clarke doesn’t even move. Without a word, he places his hands on her shoulders. She weeps and he holds hers, not saying a word.
If Bellamy knew it’d be the last time he’d have the opportunity to say something to her, he would’ve said something. Anything. Perhaps all the thoughts he kept locked up would come rushing out. Perhaps he would finally tell her what he’s thought over the years that have separated them and brought them together. It’s been three months since she left with Russell, with nothing more than a casual wave to a sea of indifference to her life, and Bellamy passes the cabin a few times a day. Sometimes when he passes a window, he sees her there, hand over her mouth and silently crying in what she thinks is privacy. Raven often makes fun of him for it, telling him that it’s probably best that she’s gone. People can cool down, figure out how to deal with this new Clarke.
The Clarke forged by fire.
Sometimes he wonders how often she cried by herself. He thinks back of all their time together and he can only think of a few times where she broke down in front of him. She faced the battle of earth with a stony passion, only cracking in quiet moments in between. Now he wonders how many in betweens he missed.
***
The announcement was on a Monday. A half a year after she left.
Bellamy spent the entire day building houses at the edge of the property. It was awkward at first, working with Miller. Miller stood next to him, casting glances at him every few minutes. As the days passed, he felt the tension melt from his shoulders. He would make a casual joke and then Miller would tell him about his relationship with Jackson. The curt talk turns into casual silence, which morphs back into something resembling normalcy.
The day they call the announcement, Miller’s in the middle of a story about how Jackson accidentally used poison ivy to treat a child his first year in the medical profession. Bellamy finds himself laughing, Miller hammering to the beat of it. “—he tells me this as we are about to have sex for the first time, when I asked if he was clean.”
“You’re joking.”
“I am totally not.”
“You guys are just the dream couple, aren’t you?”
“I’d like to think so.” Miller says, his eyes sparkling. His smile falters. “Listen, Bellamy. I know we’ve had our differences—”
“Putting me in the murder pit would do that to a friendship.”
“—but I’m sorry. The six years in the bunker were… horrible. Not that it’s an excuse, but, I thought loyalty was the most important—”
“Miller, stop.” Bellamy states, putting his hand up. “I get it.”
“You do?”
Bellamy sighs. “Sort of? We’ve all done shitty things.”
“We sure have.”
“Let’s just… start over, okay?” Bellamy says. “We have a new planet, might as well start fresh.”
Miller smiles. “I could get on board with that.”
“Yeah—”
A horn rings out in the air, Bellamy and Miller looking up. “The emergency horn,” Miller says distantly. “I’ve never heard that before.”
The hammer almost falls from Bellamy’s hands. “Yeah,” he says softly. “We better go see what’s going on.”
By the time they reach the town center, everyone is already there. Someone places a hand on his back and he sees Echo standing next to him, her eyes filled with worry. “Madi asked for you to come to the front.” She says. “They delayed the announcement until you arrived.”
“Announcement?” Bellamy repeats. “What is it?”
“I don’t know.” Echo says. “They won’t say.”
Bellamy shoves his way through the crowd until he reaches Madi, who steps closer to him. She peers up, her eyes watering. “They say they need to tell us something.” Madi whispers to him and her hand twitches as if she wants to grab him.
Bellamy sees Russell standing in front of them all, the mischievousness that he’s grown used to gone. It makes the knot in Bellamy’s stomach grow as he stares.
“What do you want?” Madi asks, her voice calm in the midst of the chaos.
Russell steps up. “I would like to say that I am terribly sorry for the news I’m bringing.”
Madi’s voice finally wavers. “What do you mean?”
Bellamy moves closer to the teen.
Russell takes a breath. “I am deeply sorry to let you know that Clarke has passed away.”
It’s as if someone shoved his head underwater. Suddenly there’s a rushing in his ears and he can’t hear anything else. In fact, there’s nothing playing around them. He can’t understand the words that just were said. It isn’t until someone asks for a clarification until he hears again.
“She got sick,” Russell states, his words quiet. “And before we knew what was happening, she was too sick to recover.”
“Too sick to recover?” Someone asks and Bellamy can’t react before Abby’s shoving past him, her eyes wild. “We have doctors here! Why the hell didn’t you bring her here?”
“As I told you, she got too sick too quickly. We didn’t realize how bad it was until it was too late.” Russell states. “Her immune system couldn’t handle the atmosphere. I’m not sure, but she had black blood. And not naturally. It looks like too many tests on a human before the human broke.”
“How dare you,” Abby snaps, stepping into his space, waving a finger in his face. “How dare you suggest we did anything but—”
“I didn’t mutate my daughter’s genes.” He responds calmly. Abby takes a step back. “None of us are at fault here. She got sick and she passed away.”
Abby’s eyes water, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Where is she?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Where is Clarke?”
“I’m sorry,” Russell states. “We can’t release her body because we’ve already cremated her. Our people was very distraught at her passing. Even though we only had her for a short time, she was beloved quickly. And so they were very opposed to releasing her back.”
“But she was our people!” Bellamy shouts, moving forward. “You had no right! You don’t get to make that decision!”
Russell lifts an eyebrow. “I believe I had every right. She was under my care when she passed and was integrating herself in our world. Many of those considered her our people.”
Madi remains very quiet. She stands in front of everyone, her gaze focused on Russell. He doesn’t flinch under it, but catches sight of her sword at her side. There are a few tears that escape does her cheeks, Bellamy resisting the urge to reach out. “Give us Clarke back.” Madi states, her voice cracking. “Now.”
“There’s nothing too—”
“Give us Clarke back!”
Her words echo in the area, loud and commanding. Bellamy flinches at the noise, reaching toward the team. She wrenches herself out of his grasp. “Now!”
“I’m very sorry for your loss.” Russell states. “There was nothing we could do.”
Bellamy bows his head and repeats, “Nothing we could do.”
***
So he stands at a funeral. He stands there, the name carved in stone as if she was never there. He thinks sometimes it would’ve been easier if she wasn’t. Sure, they never would’ve made it this far if that were the case. If he hadn’t had Clarke, the all would’ve died the moment they touched down on the Ground. But at what cost?
Raven stands a few paces away, glaring at the tombstone. She hasn’t said much to anyone since the announcement of Clarke’s death came, Shaw confiding with Bellamy that she won’t leave her work station even long into the night. Her eyes are dry and hard, as if angry with Clarke for leaving. He knew their relationship fractured in the events of earth, Raven standing closer and closer to Echo as everyone faded away. He never said anything about it.
He never said any of the important things.
Now they’re here, standing at the headstone of someone who saved their lives more than he can remember. He wonders if she died as she lived: alone. Shaking his head, Bellamy scrubs the idea from his mind. He can’t bring himself to think like that. He’ll shatter if he does.
Russell emerges from the shadows, Wonkru’s weapons trained on him in moments. Madi stands before all, her expression stony as a few wayward tears roll down her cheeks. She’s hardened by this, Bellamy can tell. But she doesn’t reach for her weapon, like she had so many times. She merely stands before them all, looking at the plot of the person she once loved most in this world. Bellamy thinks not for the first time that if love were enough, she’d still be here.
Of course, love is never enough.
Madi doesn’t even glance up to Russell, but he approaches her anyways. “I know you don’t want me here,” he starts. “But I found this in her room and I thought you may want it.”
He extends his hand and holds something out for Madi. She finally turns to him, staring at the item he’s giving her. Bellamy can’t help it – he tries not to strain his neck to see, but when Madi takes it from his palm, he doesn’t need to.
Her father’s watch.
Just the sight of it elicits another sob from Abby, who all but crumples in Kane’s arms. It’s clear Kane recognizes it as well, because he closes his eyes and simply guides them to the ground, holding her close. “I don’t want this.” Madi says, her voice scratchy and cold. “I can’t have this.”
The harshness of her words startle everyone in the area, even Gaia placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder. Madi shakes it off, her head whipping back and forth in an angry shake. “I can’t be a true Commander with this. All I will see when I look at this is what I’ve done.”
Gaia starts softly, “Madi, you did what needed to be done for your people—”
“Enough!” Madi screams and her voice cracks, the tone of a scared twelve-year-old finally dripping through her tone. “I did what you all wanted! I sent Clarke away so we could live in peace! What more could you possibly want from me?”
Bellamy can’t look away. He watches the child crumble, the weight of every commander before her sinking her further and further into darkness. He considers going up there to comfort her, but in the end doesn’t need to. Whirling around, Madi searches the group until she catches his eye, marching over to where he is with the watch in her hand. Without a word, she shoves it in his chest. He almost drops it, his finger looping around the clasps. “Madi—”
“She would’ve wanted you to have it.” Madi says, her words clipped. “You were her favorite person, in the end.”
“Madi, you know how much she loved you.” Bellamy says, but his words don’t sound like his own. They’re foreign and raspy, like he’s forgotten how to speak ever since the announcement came. “She would’ve done anything for you.”
“And we all saw how well that turned out for her.” Madi says, glancing up.
Her eyes are big and impossibly wide. He sees the child staring back for a moment, the cloud of the commanders lifting until the only person in front of him is Madi. She reaches out, her small hand wrapping around his wrist and pinning him there, her fingernails painfully digging into his skin.
“I can’t believe I killed her.” Madi whispers, but she may as well be shouting in this melancholy quiet.
Bellamy places his hands on her shoulders and looks into her eyes. “You did not kill her.”
“I may as well have.” She responds, a few more tears falling from her cheeks. “I had a responsibility to the safety of my people, I had a responsibility to try and keep us from war. I had a responsibility for peace.”
Russell tilts his chin up. “One of the things you’ll learn, kid, is peace never comes without a price.”
Madi whips her head in his direction, eyes hard. She unsheathes her sword in a swift movement, pointing the blade in his direction. “Then you had your price. You will leave. Now.”
He nods, retreating back into the forest.
She’s shaking. Trembling from head to toe in a way that doesn’t look healthy and is honestly terrifying Bellamy to his core. Except how can you comfort someone, when your own is out of reach. “We will get through this, Madi.” Bellamy says softly, wishing he believed his own words. “I know we can.”
The girl drops the blade. In a moment of clarity that he knows she is ignoring the commanders before her, she rushes to him and wraps her arms around his middle. Madi clings to him in the same way Octavia used to, filled with emotion that topples out of her. So he stands there and lets the girl cry. He glares at any of the Grounders who look on with confusion or disgust at the action, daring them to say a word against them.
After all.
Wednesday is for mourning.