Archive of Our Own

"Just relax." The words were whispered against his ear, sending a shiver of anticipation down Ares' spine. He'd never felt more vulnerable in his life, not even when Dite walked in on him and another man and finally outed him. It wasn't even close to the first time he'd been naked with Joxer, but it was the first time he'd ever been stretched out on his stomach, unable to see what was going on behind him.

He trusted Joxer, though – more than anyone he'd ever trusted in his life, and that alone was terrifying – and he knew that any time he wanted to stop, all he had to do was say so. It was the first time he'd felt like a teenager since…well, since he was a teenager, but being with Joxer always set him at ease in a way he never would have thought possible if he hadn't experienced it firsthand. He was used to being the one in control, always on his guard unless he'd had so much to drink that he couldn't remember his own name. He hadn't had anything to drink tonight, though, and he was starting to think that maybe a beer or two wouldn't have been a bad idea.

But the hands gliding across his back felt nice, and Joxer was using some kind of oil that smelled spicy and sweet at the same time. He felt kind of strange just lying there doing nothing, but he knew if he tried to participate he'd just get told to relax and pushed back down onto his stomach again. So he was letting Joxer take care of him, losing himself in the sensation of graceful fingers ghosting across his skin and the sensual glide of oil warmed under Joxer's hands.

Even the sheets felt soft against his skin, his muscles yielding under Joxer's touch and his limbs melting bonelessly into the mattress as he finally let himself begin to relax. He was just on the verge of sleep, his head swimming with the intoxicating scents of sandalwood and cloves, when he felt lips brush the base of his neck. A moment later Joxer's hands dipped a little lower on his back, and he tensed again in anticipation of those hands dipping lower still.

"Shh," Joxer murmured, although as far as Ares knew he hadn't actually made any sound, "there's nothing to worry about. We've got all night."

He wanted to tell Joxer that time was the least of his worries right now, but he was afraid the words would get stuck in his throat. There was no way he was going to choke on a simple answer and embarrass himself even more, so instead he just shook his head against the pillow and closed his eyes. Instantly one of Joxer's hands left his back to trail through his hair, and Ares silently cursed his body's natural instinct to tense up at any unexpected touch. If he'd just managed to stay relaxed Joxer would still be touching him, and he wouldn't have to explain why he was so nervous about what they were doing.

Talking about it would just make it worse, but he'd learned over the past few months that there were certain things he couldn't get away with not talking about. It was something he'd never been very good at; Dite would be the first one in line to make sure everyone knew that, but somehow it was just a little easier with Joxer. Or maybe it wasn't really easier, it was just that Joxer was patient with him and didn't yell or storm out of the room when he couldn't find the right words at a moment's notice. Then again, the words seemed to come more easily with Joxer, because for the first time in his life Ares felt completely at ease with another person.

He'd known Dite for so long that there was a certain level of comfort between them, but there was a whole part of him that she hadn't known about the entire time they were together. So in a way Joxer was the first person that had ever known all of him and accepted who he was, faults and all, and it was hard for Ares not to worry that he was going to find a way to ruin what they'd started to build. He knew Joxer loved him, but he still hadn't figured out why and he knew how easily it could all disappear.

Joxer moved again and Ares struggled not to react, following the progress of fingers through his hair so he wouldn't have to think about whatever Joxer was about to say. "We can stop any time you want."

If it wasn't so embarrassing Ares would have laughed, because he couldn't remember anyone ever saying those words to him. He'd never let himself be in this position before; he'd never handed over complete control to anyone else, and it was as terrifying as it was exciting. "I know," he finally managed, allowing himself a moment of pride when his voice didn't break on the words. "I don't want to stop."

"There's nothing to be nervous about," Joxer continued, his hands landing on Ares' back again to pick up the soothing pattern they'd been tracing a few moments ago. "We'll just take it slow, okay?"

Ares swallowed a hysterical laugh at that, because he was pretty sure Joxer wouldn't get the joke and he didn't want to have to explain it. The truth was that part of him just wanted to get it over with, but he couldn't tell Joxer that without making him think that he didn't want what they were doing. And he did want it; he'd thought about it plenty of times before they met and he'd always wondered what it would feel like. It wasn't the act that was making him tense, it was the idea that Joxer had total control over him. He knew he could overpower the other man easily if he wanted to, but he'd lost his heart to Joxer a long time ago and there was no way for him to get the upper hand back where his feelings were concerned.

He wasn't even sure if he wanted to, because there was a part of him that liked the idea of letting go completely with someone else. He liked that he could trust Joxer, that he could say whatever he was feeling and not have to worry about having it thrown back in his face during an argument. Still, there were times when he almost wished that Joxer would use his feelings against him, that he'd say something insensitive or do something to prove to Ares that he wasn't perfect. It was hard enough for Ares to let his guard down without worrying about measuring up to a standard he'd never be able to meet.

Not that Joxer was holding him to some impossible standard, but it seemed like he always knew exactly what he was doing and how he felt and Ares was constantly playing catch-up with his own feelings. The one place where he'd never worried about measuring up to Joxer's experience was in bed, but now he was starting to think he was hopelessly inept in every aspect of their relationship. And the worst part was that he knew it didn't matter to Joxer if Ares ever caught up; Joxer loved him for some reason Ares would never understand, whether he ever felt comfortable talking about how he felt or not. He knew that was supposed to make him feel better, but it usually just left him feeling even more inadequate than usual.

Gentle fingers ghosted across his shoulder blade, lingering over the inch-long scar just left of his spine. "How did you get this?" Joxer asked, his voice low and closer than Ares had expected. His first instinct was to shift so he could turn and look at the other man, but the hands on his back held him firmly against the mattress and reminded him that he was supposed to be relaxing.

"My parents took us to the shore when I was twelve. They let me bring a friend. He dared me to jump off some rocks into the water, and I didn't jump far enough."

"You don't talk about them much."

"Who?"

"Your family." As he spoke Joxer's fingers left his scar, his palms flat against Ares' skin as they slid down to his hips and back up his sides.

"I try not to think about them much, either." Ares did move then, opening his eyes and twisting his neck far enough to catch a glimpse of Joxer's profile. "They don't really keep in touch. My folks sold their place in Jersey about ten years ago and bought a condo near Miami Beach. My sister dropped out of college to get married – he's in the Army, so I used to get a Christmas card from a new address every couple of years. She used to send pictures of my niece and nephews, but after Dite threw me out the cards pretty much stopped. I think that has something to do with my brother-in-law. So there's not really much to say."

Joxer's hands moved over his shoulders again, gently turning his neck until he gave in and let his head fall back against the pillow again. He closed his eyes and arched into Joxer's fingers as they dug into the knots of tension at the base of his neck, trying and failing to swallow a groan at the sensation. "I'm sorry."

"No, it feels good," Ares murmured against the pillow.

"Not for that. For bringing up your family," Joxer said, his fingers flexing against Ares' neck when the other man tried to turn his head again.

"I don't mind," Ares answered. It was partly true, anyway; he didn't like thinking about his sister and her husband, but he'd never really seen eye-to-eye with his brother-in-law anyway so it wasn't like he'd been expecting them to stand by him. "For Cupid's sake I wish things were different, but he's close to Dite's family and they haven't treated him differently because of what happened between Dite and me. I'm grateful for that."

For a second the pressure on his neck grew almost painful, and Ares was about to ask what was wrong when Joxer's hands left his neck to trace the line of his spine. Warm fingers explored the spread of his hips, moving lower still as Joxer's thumbs teased the cleft of his ass before moving down to his thighs. He swallowed a gasp and squirmed a little under the other man's touch, unconsciously seeking more contact. A low, rich laugh escaped Joxer's throat as his hands left Ares' legs, only to return a moment later slick with fresh oil.

Ares didn't bother trying to fight the moan that escaped him this time, his legs twitching in response to the warm, slick glide of Joxer's hands across the soft flesh covering his inner thighs. It was enough to make him forget about whatever words had been on the tip of Joxer's tongue when Ares brought up Dite's family. His whole body jerked when Joxer's hand reached the backs of his knees, fingers seeking out sensitive spots and making Ares tense for a different reason this time.

"Now who's ticklish?" Joxer murmured, but there was no mischief in his voice, and his hands moved past Ares' knees to knead at the muscle in his calves.

The truth was that Ares had no idea until that moment that he was ticklish, because he couldn't remember anyone ever bothering with the backs of his knees before. He'd never been explored so thoroughly, as though Joxer was trying to memorize every inch of him. He'd never felt so completely on display, either, and he wasn't sure if he'd every really get used to the feeling of total exposure. At least part of him was enjoying the attention – okay, most of him – but there was still a tiny part of him that couldn't help being aware of the fact that Joxer was cataloguing every mark on his skin and every tiny imperfection.

Turning over was tempting; he knew Joxer would try to argue with him, but it would be easy enough to wrap his arms around the smaller man and kiss him into submission. The only thing stopping him was that he knew how disappointed Joxer would be if Ares stopped him now, and he didn't think he could stand to see that disappointment in Joxer's eyes all night. So he swallowed the urge to get them back on more equal footing and focused his attention on the way Joxer's palms molded to the curve of his ankles as he carefully explored each one in turn.

Once even Ares' toes were coated in warm, fragrant oil Joxer began to make his way back up the other man's body. He was careful to avoid the sensitive skin at the back of Ares' knees without actually making any part of him feel neglected, and by the time Joxer's hands found the tops of his thighs again Ares would have sworn that his skin was actually vibrating with pleasure. He felt the pleasant hum all the way to the roots of his hair, and when a slick finger brushed across the entrance to his body for the first time he found himself pushing back into the gentle pressure.

He wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to stand the excruciatingly slow pace Joxer had set, but he was determined to hold out for as long as he could. He remembered something about one of the things Joxer had shown him when he'd first offered to show Ares how his collection of sex toys worked – something about a ring that would help him stay in control until he was ready to let go, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to find the words to ask Joxer about it. Then there was the concept of admitting that he was already that close to the edge just from a little massage – he knew Joxer wouldn't laugh at him, but he couldn't imagine actually saying the words out loud.

The finger that had been working steadily in and out of him disappeared, and he felt warm lips brush his shoulder blade as Joxer leaned over him. A moment later the other man straightened up again, one hand gently easing Ares' legs a little further apart as something smooth and blunt pressed against the cleft of his ass. He wished he could see what Joxer was doing, but he knew that was part of the game. The point was that he was supposed to be relaxing and letting Joxer make him feel, but the fact that he couldn't even see what was happening was more frustrating than waiting for Joxer to do something.

He didn't have to wait long; before he had a chance to turn his head and try to see what was happening he felt the stretch, wider this time and almost uncomfortable enough to be painful. His fingers curled into the sheets beneath him and Joxer paused, a hand stroking his back as he waited for Ares to adjust to the new sensation. Words were murmured in a low, steady voice that Ares was sure didn't belong to him, but he couldn't focus on the meaning because everything in him was centered on controlling the urge to see what was happening.

If he could see it would be easier to let Joxer do what he wanted, but he knew that telling Joxer why he needed to see would just reveal another weakness he wasn't sure he was ready to own up to. Slowly he began to relax into the new sensation, concentrating on the steady in and out of his own breathing as Joxer moved just on the edge of his vision. And maybe if he'd known how hard this was going to be he wouldn't have agreed to it, but there was still a large part of him that wanted to be able to close his eyes and just float on the feeling of Joxer's hands on his skin. He wanted to be everything that Joxer thought he was; strong, self-confident, and as fearless as he knew the rest of the world expected him to be.

Only he wasn't sure how to be all those things and still let himself be this vulnerable in front of someone else, especially when he couldn't even see Joxer's face to gauge what the other man was thinking. He knew they were never going to get anywhere if he didn't learn to let go and trust Joxer enough to do this, though, and his years of karate training had taught him how to control his emotions in any situation. Drawing on that training helped him to relax enough to let Joxer in, and before long the burning pain of the stretch began to ease a little.

He pushed back experimentally, not quite stifling his gasp when the object inside him sank even deeper. He knew which of Joxer's collection of dildos he was using; it was smooth and clear and smaller than the handful of others Joxer had to choose from, but once it was actually inside him it felt a lot bigger than it looked. The sensation was strange – the burn was still there, but it was slowly ebbing as he began to relax a little more into the stretch. He felt full in a way he'd never really expected, and he wondered if this was the way it felt for Joxer every time Ares fucked him.

It had been Joxer's idea to try it this way first; he'd said it was so he could control things better, so he wouldn't get so caught up in his own need that he missed some signal that Ares wanted to stop. Ares hadn't been sure at the time that it would be better this way, but now that they'd begun he knew Joxer was right. It was strange enough adjusting to the new sensation without having to worry that he was torturing the other man, especially considering how long they'd both been perfectly still. He knew he'd never have the self-control not to move for this long if it was him buried deep inside Joxer, and he couldn't ask the other man to do something he couldn't do himself.

But lately he'd been wondering if there was anything Joxer couldn't do, and that thought wasn't helping to set him at ease. He did his best to push it to the back of his mind, focusing on the sensation of latex slowly sliding back out of him. The second thrust was just as gentle as the first, the slow pace threatening to drive Ares crazy before he ever discovered what was so wonderful about what they were doing. With every slow, methodical thrust he was stretched a little more open, and before he knew it he was panting and pressing back through the burn and the accompanying wave of blinding pleasure.

A frustrated moan caught in his throat as he pushed back a little more forcefully, his whole body trembling when Joxer stroked a spot inside him that blinded him momentarily. He heard Joxer murmuring and struggled to clear the fog in his brain long enough to focus on the words, instinct guiding him to follow the whispered instructions and somehow marshal the motor function to push himself up onto his knees. Joxer's hands guided his legs a little further apart before he resumed his slow, steady rhythm again, reaching under Ares with his free hand to stroke the other man's cock in time with each thrust.

He'd never felt more open or vulnerable in his life, and he couldn't quite hold back the sob that escaped his throat as Joxer's thumb stroked over the slick head of his cock. He wanted to let go; he wanted to give in to the pressure mounting in the pit of his stomach and the jolts of pleasure starting at the base of his spine and traveling through his whole body. His arms were tense, elbows locked in position to hold him up on the mattress. He didn't even feel the trembling in his muscles, though; every single sensation in his body was superceded by the delicious, aching, frustrating pleasure centered in his groin.

And he couldn't help picturing what he must look like, rocking helplessly between Joxer's hand and a lifeless hunk of well-lubricated latex. He had no doubt that if his face wasn't already red from exertion that he'd be bright red from blushing, but he couldn't make himself stop. It felt too good, it was all too much and he just needed a little more…just a little push to bring him over the edge. He didn't even know what 'more' was until he felt it, and it never would have occurred to him that just the feeling of Joxer's mouth against his skin would be enough to do it.

The only part of him that Joxer could reach in their current position was his hip, but the where didn't matter nearly as much as the fact that Joxer had sensed exactly what he needed to bring him that last step over the edge. It didn't matter that he'd have a strange red mark on his hip that was shaped suspiciously like Joxer's mouth; he didn't even care that Joxer biting him had been the thing that finally brought him to orgasm. He couldn't think about anything, really, at least not while his brain was busy melting out his ear.

He didn't remember collapsing onto the mattress, he didn't feel the slide of latex and lube as Joxer pulled the toy out of him and got up long enough to bring it into the bathroom. The next thing he remembered feeling was the slightly rough slide of a warm washcloth along his skin, wiping up traces of oil and lube and sweat. He let out a grunt and rolled to one side when Joxer nudged him out of the wet spot he'd left on the towel underneath him, letting the other man pull it away from the sheets and toss it on the floor before he climbed back onto the bed with Ares.

Blackness floated in and out of his vision, so he gave up trying to focus and listened to the sound of his own harsh breathing. He was vaguely aware of Joxer moving next to him, possibly even talking to him, but he couldn’t make out the words and his eyes wouldn’t stay open long enough to see what the other man was doing. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed that way, floating in and out of consciousness as his breathing slowly returned to normal.

Even when his pulse had stopped racing and his lungs didn’t burn from the struggle for breath it was still a challenge to move; his limbs felt like they were made of lead, and even lifting his eyelids was a struggle. He blinked slowly to clear his vision, lifting his head just far enough to catch a glimpse of Joxer out of the corner of his eye.

“Should I be worried?”

“What?” Ares frowned and shifted onto his side, finally registering Joxer’s bemused grin and the hand still tracing random patterns on his skin.

“You passed out,” Joxer answered, his hand leaving Ares’ hip as the other man shifted a little closer to him. “It was just for a few seconds, but I have to admit I’ve never had that affect on anyone before.”

He was smiling, but Ares could see the worry behind his eyes. And it just figured that he couldn’t even do this without finding a way to screw it up; now Joxer was going to think he couldn’t handle himself at all, and he’d end up feeling even more unworthy of their relationship. “I was just catching my breath,” he muttered, although he had a feeling Joxer wasn’t going to buy that.

Just as he suspected, Joxer’s lips pursed momentarily, and Ares felt himself tense in anticipation of an argument. But instead of arguing Joxer leaned forward, pressing his lips to the corner of Ares’ mouth for a moment before he pulled back to look at the other man. “So have you caught your breath now?”

“I think so,” Ares answered, taking the hint and reaching out to slide a strong hand along Joxer’s bare skin. He was a little surprised that Joxer wasn’t going to try to get him to talk about it, but he wasn’t about to argue. All he really wanted to do right now was lose himself in the sensation of touching Joxer; that, at least, was something he knew he was an expert on.

~

Ares hadn't really been thinking about what he'd feel like when he woke up the next morning, but even if he had he probably wouldn't have expected to be a little…well, tender. In fact he felt an awful lot like he did whenever someone caught him with a kick or a punch just wrong and left an angry red mark on his skin. He was sore, his muscles were stiff despite the thorough rub-down Joxer had given him, and when he stood up to head for the bathroom he found that walking was even more uncomfortable.

The last thing he wanted was for Joxer to notice, though, so he managed to make it to the bathroom without drawing any attention to himself. It hurt a lot more than it would have if he'd let himself move a little more slowly, but he didn't want Joxer to wake up and see what was wrong. It seemed ridiculous that a man his age would be in any pain because of sex, especially considering how careful Joxer had been to go slowly and make sure he was as relaxed as possible.

He stumbled into the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door behind him before he stepped over to the shower and turned it on. Ares reached for his toothbrush while he waited for the shower to warm up, leaning out the bathroom door while he brushed his teeth to steal another glance at Joxer. He was still sprawled across half the bed, his legs tangled in the wreck of sheets and his hair hiding most of his face from Ares' view. He looked so peaceful that Ares hoped he'd stay asleep for awhile, just long enough for him to get some kind of handle on the way he felt about what was happening between them.

Something had changed last night, but it had been coming for a long time and Ares wasn't sure he'd be able to put his finger on it if he tried. He didn't really want to try anyway, because the truth was that he was terrified of whatever was happening between them. His track record with relationships up to now wasn't what anyone would call impressive, and after three months with Joxer he couldn't help expecting something to happen to bring everything to a crashing halt.

Maybe it was the fact that they'd gotten involved so fast that made him think something was going to come along to ruin everything. Or maybe it was the fact that it was so easy for Joxer to tell Ares how he felt; when he'd first said the words 'I love you' out loud he'd made it seem so easy, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. Ares had never felt this way about anyone before in his life, but it was still hard for him to tell Joxer how he felt. Even the fact that he knew Joxer felt the same way didn't make it easier, because all that could end just as quickly as it had started.

He tried not to think about that possibility, but every day that passed without an argument made it a little harder to ignore. He was starting to think he was going crazy, because it couldn't be normal for someone to expect a perfectly happy relationship to fall apart for no reason. And he was happy; more than that, he was content for the first time in his life, but he was so terrified that it was all going to change that he was starting to let it affect the way he acted around Joxer.

Joxer murmured in his sleep and turned away from Ares, so he stifled a sigh and went back into the bathroom to take his shower. The hot water felt good on his sore muscles, and he did his best to ignore the slight burn in his ass as he let the water run over him. He tried not to picture the way Joxer had looked spread out across the bed, his arm slung across the mattress where Ares had been sleeping just a few minutes ago. He didn't want to think about it, because whenever he pictured Joxer that way his throat would tighten up and he had to fight back the urge to go out there and wake the other man up to demand promises that he knew Joxer couldn't make.

It was too soon for any long-term promises; at least he was pretty sure it was, although he had no idea how real relationships worked. Maybe if he'd done something before Joxer came along besides sleep around with men who were barely more than strangers he'd know how these things were supposed to work, but the fact was that he had no practical experience to tell him what to do. He hated having to depend on Joxer to lead him into every new stage of their relationship, especially when part of him felt like he was letting the other man down by not taking some of the responsibility for where they went next.

The truth was he had no idea what happened now, and that scared the hell out of him. Every time he saw Joxer or heard his voice – hell, every time he pictured him – he fell a little more in love, and he had no idea what to do about it. He wanted to be with Joxer all the time, but they already spent most of their free time together and he wasn't sure what else he could do to feel closer to the other man. All he really knew was that when they were apart there was a nagging, hollow ache in his chest, and when they were together he spent the entire time terrified that he was going to do something to drive the other man away.

He was almost convinced that there was something wrong with him, and he knew if he didn't do something to fix it that he really would ruin everything. The only problem was that he had no idea what to do; he couldn't even talk to anyone about it, because when it came right down to it Joxer was really the only friend he had. Most of his old friends had chosen Dite's side when she threw him out, and the handful that were sympathetic had disappeared from his life as soon as he moved to New York. He couldn't talk to any of his employees about his personal life, and there was no way he was going to tell Joxer how scared he was. So that meant he was going to have to deal with it on his own, preferably before it was too late.

A heavy sigh escaped his throat as he shut off the water, pushing his fingers absently through his hair to shake out the excess water before he stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel. He wasn't sure whether or not he hoped Joxer was still asleep, but once he'd dried off and made his way back into the bedroom he found himself a little relieved that the other man was still unconscious. He dressed as quietly as he could and made his way into the kitchen, digging through the contents of Joxer's fridge until he had the makings of his signature omelet on the counter.

Cooking was the first thing he thought of whenever he was worried about something; Dite had always called it his own personal therapy, and even though he'd never admitted it he knew she was right. There were times when they were still married when he'd felt so guilty about cheating on her that he'd lock her and Cupid out of the kitchen and spend hours cooking, laying out a feast so extravagant that they'd have to invite friends over for an impromptu dinner party just to get rid of all the food.

He was so lost in the process of making breakfast that he didn't hear footsteps behind him until Joxer's hands landed on his back, sliding down the thin cotton of his shirt to settle on his hips. "Morning," the smaller man murmured against his neck, his voice still thick with sleep. "That smells good."

"It is," Ares answered, his confidence earning him a chuckle that warmed his skin and sent a shiver of pleasure down his spine.

"I'll take your word for it. You didn't have to make me breakfast, you know."

Ares rolled his eyes and turned his head far enough to brush a quick kiss across the other man's temple. He didn't bother with an answer; they had the same conversation every Sunday morning, and every Sunday Ares kept on making breakfast whether Joxer expected him to or not. In a way it was his favorite part of the weekend, because it was a nice start to the only day of the week they had all to themselves. The rest of the week was spent trying to steal a few moments together between classes and students and paperwork, but Sunday was the one day when they didn't have to worry about schedules or interruptions.

Once he'd gotten his kiss Joxer let go of Ares and made his way over to the table, sinking into one of his chairs and watching while Ares poured him a cup of coffee. He smiled his thanks when the other man set it down in front of him, pausing long enough to lean down for another, longer kiss. When they parted Ares held Joxer's gaze until a familiar tightness closed his throat and forced him to look away. He hoped the other man didn't notice, but he couldn’t bring himself to glance at Joxer to find out if he had.

For a long time neither of them said anything; Ares finished making breakfast while Joxer unfolded the paper he'd brought into the kitchen with him, spreading the different sections out across the table. It wasn't until Ares set a plate down in front of him that Joxer looked up again, smiling and folding the Metro section before he set it down on the table with the rest of the paper.

"The tree's up in Rockefeller Center," Joxer said, reaching for the fork Ares had set down next to his plate. "We missed the official lighting, but Cupid might like to see it. We could take him next weekend."

Ares paused with his fork halfway to his mouth, eyebrows raised as he stared back at Joxer. It wasn't possible that it was so close to Christmas already, was it? He couldn't have let himself get so distracted by their relationship that he hadn't even planned for Christmas. He and Cupid always went into Manhattan to look at the decorations; it was one of Cupid's favorite holiday traditions, one they'd started when he was practically a baby. He hadn't even thought about it this year, and he knew it was because he'd been so distracted by his relationship with Joxer.

"Ares?"

"Huh? Oh," he said, his face flushing slightly as he realized he was staring at Joxer with his mouth slightly open. "Sure, next weekend. I usually take Cupid to see the decorations anyway."

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," he lied, not quite meeting the other man's gaze. He didn't like lying to Joxer, but he couldn't tell him the truth about this. He didn't even know what was wrong; all he did know was that he needed to work it out for himself.

~

Wednesday was usually Ares' favorite day of the work week; it meant his beginner class and then a late dinner, followed by a whole night with Joxer lying next to him right in the middle of the week. For the first time since they met he wasn't looking forward to Wednesday, though, and he wasn't sure what to do about it. He wanted everything to be the way it had been during the first weeks of their relationship; fresh and new and exciting, full of promise but not serious enough for Ares to worry constantly about screwing things up.

He was almost positive he'd come close to ruining everything on Sunday. He'd spent most of the day distracted and standoffish, and eventually Joxer had snapped and demanded to know what was wrong. He'd made up something about Cupid and Christmas that he was sure Joxer hadn't bought, but he'd gone with the lie because it was better than telling Joxer the truth. Since then he'd alternated between worrying that Joxer wouldn't show up on Wednesday and berating himself for lying to the other man in the first place. He was still caught between the two on Wednesday afternoon, so distracted by his own private worries that he didn't hear the door to the dojo open.

The first hint he had that he wasn't alone anymore was a rush of cold air hitting his cheek, then the smell of fresh pine floated over to him. He looked up, frowning at the sudden burst of cold air, in time to see Joxer wrestling a Christmas tree through the front door. Without thinking he started across the studio, pushing the door open a little wider and reaching for one end of the tree to help Joxer haul it inside.

"What is this?" he asked, shock and confusion shining clear in his eyes as Joxer looked up and grinned.

"Well you said you hadn't had time to get ready for Christmas," Joxer answered, pausing to catch his breath once they'd gotten the tree through the front door. "You seemed pretty upset about it, and there's a tree vendor on the corner of the school property, so I thought I'd help get your loft decorated before Cupid gets here. We can set up the tree before class, then I can come back tomorrow night and help you decorate it."

"You bought me a Christmas tree?"

"Sure," Joxer answered, shrugging and flashing a cheerful grin. He seemed to think it was the most natural thing in the world, and Ares wasn't sure whether to be grateful or horrified that once again Joxer had done exactly the right thing. "It was right on my way. So do you have any decorations or do we need to get some?"

"No, I've got a few boxes of stuff upstairs somewhere." Finally Ares stopped staring at the tree long enough to glance up at Joxer, his eyes narrowing slightly as he took in the flushed cheeks and the way Joxer's hair curled around his ears. "Did you drag this all the way here by yourself?"

"I figured it would be a good warm-up for class. Or something," Joxer said, his grin turning mischievous as he picked up the trunk again. "Come on, help me get it up the stairs."

Ares shook his head but did as he was told, helping Joxer wrestle the tree through yet another door and then up the stairs to his loft. They set it down in the center of the living room while Ares hunted down his tree stand and the boxes of decorations, then Joxer helped him set the tree in the stand and get it straight before he filled the stand with water. They set it right in front of the large window running along the outer wall of the loft; when it was set up it looked bigger than it had downstairs, and Ares couldn't help wondering how Joxer had gotten it all the way from the school to his place without hurting himself.

That was almost easier to believe than the fact that he'd thought to do it in the first place, and Ares wasn't sure what to say. For a long time he stood in the center of the room and just stared at it, arms crossed over his chest and his forehead furrowed in concentration. He was barely aware of the fact that Joxer was standing right next to him, and until the other man reached out and touched him he didn't realize Joxer was watching him.

"Ares? What's wrong, don't you like it?"

It took Ares a minute to figure out what Joxer was talking about, but as soon as he did he shook his head and turned back to the tree again. "Of course I do, Joxer."

"Then what's the problem?"

"It's nothing."

He heard the sigh but didn’t look over, unwilling to see the disappointment in Joxer's eyes. He knew it wasn't a good enough answer, but it was the only one he could come up with on short notice. His mind was racing almost as fast as his heart, and he had no idea what any of the emotions assaulting him meant. The fact that Joxer had shown up with a Christmas tree shouldn't be affecting him so much – it was just a stupid tree, after all, and just because Joxer had listened to his lies on Sunday and taken them to heart didn't mean anything.

"Ares, come on," Joxer said, his grip on Ares' arm tightening a little. "Something's been bothering you since Sunday. Why won't you tell me what it is?"

Ares let out a deep breath and let his shoulders fall, his gaze locked on the tree so he wouldn't have to see Joxer's expression. "It's nothing, just…" He paused and glanced over at the other man, flinching away from the mixture of confusion and hurt in Joxer's eyes. "Do you have to be so damn perfect all the time?"

"What?" Joxer said, his eyes wide as he stared back at Ares. He stepped backwards, snatching his hand away from Ares' arm as though the other man's skin was burning him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, forget it," Ares said, regretting the words as soon as they'd escaped his throat. There was no way Joxer was just going to forget it, but he was too tired to try to explain them. Suddenly his whole body felt heavy, as though his limbs were made of lead and if he tried to move he'd just sink into the floor. "I didn't mean it. It's a great tree."

"No, you did mean it," Joxer shot back, his eyes narrowing as he took another step away from Ares. "You really think…what, that I'm bothering you? God, Ares, why didn't you just tell me? If I was crowding you all you had to do was say something and I would have backed off."

"It's not that," Ares answered, forcing his legs to work with him long enough to take a step toward the other man. "Joxer, I didn't mean…"

"I know what you meant," Joxer answered, his voice colder than Ares had ever heard it. The sound made Ares' chest ache, his heart in his throat as he wondered how he'd managed to screw up so much in just a few minutes. Before he reached Joxer the smaller man shook his head, only stopping in his path toward the door long enough to pick up his coat. "You can have all the time you want, Ares. Just forget I bothered you."

With that he turned and let himself out of the loft. For a moment Ares stood frozen in the center for the room, his body rebelling against his brain's command to go after Joxer, to stop him and make him listen. By the time he managed to move the door at the bottom of the stairs was slamming shut, and he knew by the time he got down to the sidewalk Joxer would have disappeared into the crowd already. Instead of going after the other man he shut the door to the loft and leaned back against it, staring at the tree still standing in front of his window.

It would have been so easy just to tell Joxer that he loved the tree, that he couldn't believe that someone would go to all that trouble for him. It would have been the simplest thing in the world to tell him the truth, but every time he opened his mouth it seemed as though someone else's voice came out. He had no idea why he'd accused Joxer of being too perfect; sure, he felt that way more and more lately, but he knew that wasn't Joxer's problem. He was the one that couldn't get anything right, and now he really had managed to screw up the best thing he'd ever had.

~

Cupid ran ahead of his father into the house, letting the screen door slam behind him. By the time Ares made it inside Cupid was already up the stairs, and Ares let out a heavy sigh as he listened to the sound of heavy footsteps pounding the ceiling over his head. The weekend had been more disastrous than he could remember even in the very beginning of his separation from Dite; they'd gone to look at the decorations in Manhattan and even decorated the tree Joxer had brought over, but Ares had spent the whole weekend brooding and distracted.

Any time Cupid tried to bring up Joxer Ares had snapped at him, and by the end of the weekend not even his son was speaking to him. Nothing Ares had said made any difference, and now he was resigned to spending another Christmas completely alone. He didn't even want to celebrate Christmas, not with the way things had worked out in the past few days. It had been four whole days since Joxer had stormed out of the loft, and he'd held true to his promise to give Ares all the space he needed. He wouldn't answer his phone or his door, and so far he hadn't returned any of Ares' calls.

Finally Ares had resigned himself to the fact that he really had ruined everything. He'd been trying to convince himself for two days that he deserved it, but there was still a tiny part of him that hoped Joxer would come around. If he could just accept that it was over it would be a lot easier to let go and move on, but the fact that he was still clinging to the hope that Joxer really did love him as much as he said made it impossible for him to give up. And he really was pathetic, because there was no way that anybody would forgive someone like him for being such an idiot. Joxer had probably spent the past four days wondering why he'd ever saddled himself with Ares in the first place, and now that he was free there was no way he was going to come back for more.

He shook off the depressing thought and made his way toward the kitchen, pushing the door open to look for Dite. She was sitting at the table, head bent over what he guessed was a case file, humming one of those oldies songs she liked so much under her breath. Ares smiled mirthlessly and let himself into the room, clearing his throat to get her attention.

She didn't look up right away, but when she did she frowned and shut the case file she'd been working on. "What's wrong with you? You look like somebody ran over your dog."

"Nothing," Ares answered, but he could tell from her expression she wasn't buying it. "Rough weekend. Cupid's not exactly speaking to me."

"Cupid's not speaking to anybody these days," she said, standing up and crossing to the coffee pot to pour him a cup. "Sit."

He obeyed automatically, sinking gratefully into a chair and resting his elbows on the table. "It's my fault this time," he confessed as she set a hot cup of coffee down in front of him and sank into her own chair. "I've got a lot on my mind and I guess I took it out on him."

For a long moment she peered at him, her forehead furrowed in concentration as she studied his features. Finally she saw whatever she was looking for and straightened up again, shaking her head and making a noise in the back of her throat that he recognized as disapproval. "What did you do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Ares, I've known you practically your whole life. I know guilt when I see it. Oh, God. You didn't cheat on Joxer, did you?"

"No," he snapped as indignantly as he dared. He knew she had a right to jump to that exact conclusion, and if he tried to act offended she'd remind him of exactly why. "I just said something dumb, that's all. But he won't talk to me, so there's nothing I can do. It's over."

Another unflattering noise escaped her throat, making him narrow his eyes and look up at her. "What? I can't do anything to fix it if he won't even talk to me."

"Please, Ares, you give up faster than anybody I know when things get tough," she said, leaning forward and jabbing an accusing finger in his direction. "In the whole time we were married you never once stood up to me. Every time I argued with you, you always backed right down. You'd put up with anything to avoid having to explain how you felt back then, and I bet you're doing the same thing to Joxer now."

"I am not," Ares answered, not bothering to look up long enough to witness the look on her face. He knew she wasn't buying it; she knew him well enough to know when she'd figured out what he was avoiding, and there was a part of him that wanted to tell her what had happened. He had to talk to somebody about it, anyway, and if anyone could offer useful advice it would be her. "Look, all I said was that I didn't see why he had to be so perfect all the time."

"He dumped you because of that?"

He glanced at her long enough to take in her skeptical expression before frowning and looking down at his coffee again. "He didn't exactly dump me. He just said he'd give me as much space as I needed and left. But he won't answer my calls and he wouldn't answer the door when I went by his place on Thursday."

"So why'd you accuse him of being perfect in the first place?"

"It's stupid," he said, a frustrated sigh escaping his throat as the memory of Joxer grinning at him over that stupid tree resurfaced. "He bought me a Christmas tree. I know he was just trying to help, but I just…he just does stuff like that all the time. He always knows exactly what to do or what to say, he never worries about what's happening with us and he always seems like he knows exactly where we're heading. Meanwhile I haven't got a clue what the hell's going on."

"So you messed up your relationship because you don't know what you want?"

Ares looked up at her again, his eyes narrowing a little at her expression. "If you're going to laugh at me I'll just get out of your way."

"Nobody's laughing at you, Ares," she said, resting her hand on his arm to push him back into his chair. "Just chill out, I'm not the one you're mad at here."

"I'm not mad at Joxer."

"I didn't say you were," she pointed out, raising elegant eyebrows when he met her gaze. "You're not mad at Joxer; you're mad at yourself. You've finally got somebody that gives you everything you want, am I right? And instead of dumping you as soon as he finds out how messed up you are, he buys you a Christmas tree. Don't you know he loves you, you big dope? I saw that the first time I met him."

"I know," Ares answered.

"So?"

"So what?"

Dite rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "So do you love him or not?"

"Of course," Ares answered automatically. If he'd been paying attention he would have seen the brief flash of hurt in her eyes, but he was too focused on the memory of Joxer's face the moment he'd stormed out of the loft. "But it doesn't matter. He's never going to speak to me again."

"You always were an idiot," she said, ignoring the look he shot her as she stood up and pulled his coffee cup away from him. "Get out of here. Go on back to the city and talk to him. He deserves that much for putting up with you for this long."

"I just told you, he won't talk to me," Ares said, but he let her pull him out of his chair and push him in the direction of the door.

She rolled her eyes and flattened her palms against his chest, giving him another shove. "Do I have to do everything?" she asked no one in particular, lifting her eyes heavenward. "Look, he has to come out of his apartment sometime, right? You know where he works, find him."

"Are you telling me I should stalk him?"

"Hey, if that's what it takes," she answered as she herded him through the kitchen door. "Look, Ares, if you want him back you're going to have to find a way to make him listen. And if you don't…well, you've got nobody but yourself to blame for that, do you?"

She gave him one final shove, and before he knew it he was standing at the front door. He opened his mouth to answer her, but she just shook her head and reached around him to open the door. A minute later he found himself out on the front step; he had no idea how he'd gotten there, but before he had time to figure it out the door closed in his face. For a long time he stood there staring at it, trying to work out what had just happened. Finally he gave up and turned away from the house, shaking his head at the fact that for once Dite's advice actually made sense. He'd never admit it to her, but she had a good point. He'd never thought about cornering Joxer at work, but that was probably the only place that Ares could get him to listen.

~

By the time Tuesday rolled around Ares was so nervous that he could barely stand still. He decided to wait until Tuesday to track Joxer down at Mount St. Michael's; he taught class there on Tuesdays so he knew Joxer would be purposely avoiding him, but if he'd showed up on Monday and Joxer saw him before Ares spotted Joxer he'd know what Ares was up to.

So he'd bided his time, and now the moment of truth was finally upon him. He took a deep breath and turned sharply in the opposite direction of his class, willing his heart to stop pounding so hard against his chest. It would be just like him to drop dead of a heart attack right outside the music room; that would be fun for Joxer to explain to the administration, especially considering the gym was all the way on the other side of the building.

When he reached the music room without incident he paused outside the door, taking a deep breath and wiping his hands on his palms before he peered in the small glass window set into the door. Joxer was standing at the front of the room, his eyes on his lesson plan. There were no students in the room yet, and he sent up a quick prayer that none of them would show up before he got Joxer to listen at least to part of what he had to say.

He flattened his palm against the wooden door, half expecting Joxer to hear the sound of his erratic heartbeat and look up before he ever made it into the room. That didn't happen, though, and when he did push the door open the other man looked up and smiled at him. As soon as their eyes met Joxer's smile faded, and Ares' heart dropped into his stomach as he watched Joxer glance over his shoulder at the door.

"Are you lost?" Joxer asked, his voice carefully measured as he stepped out from behind his desk. "If you need help finding the gym I'm sure I could find someone…"

"Stop it," Ares interrupted, wincing at the desperation he was sure Joxer could hear in his voice. He took a few steps into the room, stopping when they were about ten feet apart. "Don't pretend you don't know why I'm here."

"How would I know that?" Joxer asked, bitterness creeping into his tone as he watched Ares walk toward him. "Oh, that's right, I’m supposed to be perfect. Does that mean I should be able to read your mind too? Because I'm afraid that's not one of my talents."

"Look, I've been trying to tell you since Wednesday that I'm sorry. You won't take my calls or answer your door, what else was I supposed to do?"

"So you decided to get us both fired?"

"Nobody saw me come in here," Ares answered, but as soon as he said it he glanced over his shoulder to make sure they really were alone. "And even if they did, they don't know why I'm here."

"That makes all of us, doesn't it?" Joxer snapped. "Look, Ares, you made yourself perfectly clear the other night. The best thing we can do right now is steer clear of each other."

Ares felt his head shaking, his hands curling into fists at his sides to keep him from closing the distance between them and shaking Joxer until he listened to reason. He knew this was the wrong place to do this; they could both get in a lot of trouble if anyone overheard them, but he was willing to risk anything to get Joxer back in his life. "I don't need space," he said, taking a few more steps forward. "I never wanted that, Joxer. That wasn't what I meant…I was just…"

"What?" Joxer let out a sigh when Ares paused, but he let his arms fall away from the stranglehold they'd had on his chest. "Ares, you have to tell me how you feel. I'm not perfect, I don't know what you need unless you tell me."

"Yes, you do. That's just it; you always know what I need before I do, from the Christmas tree to telling me that you…" He stopped and glanced self-consciously toward the door, but they were still alone.

"That I love you?" Joxer prompted, drawing Ares' attention back to him.

"Yes," Ares answered, his features softening into a sad smile. What he wanted to do more than anything was reach out and touch the other man, run his fingers over soft skin and assure himself that Joxer was still real and still his. He knew how close he'd come to losing the one person who meant more to him than anyone except his son, and he knew that thought was going to wake him up at night for months to come. If Joxer's expression was anything to judge by it wasn't too late, though, and his heart skipped a beat when the other man took a small step forward.

"I do," Joxer said, his voice barely a whisper in the stillness of the room. "But if you don't trust me enough to tell me when something's bothering you then this can't work."

Ares swallowed nervously and told himself that he could do this. Trust was the hardest thing in the world for him, but he'd do whatever he had to do to keep Joxer. "I know. I mean I do."

A small smile tugged at the corners of Joxer's mouth, and Ares could see the other man's fingers twitching the same way his own were. Just the knowledge that Joxer wanted to touch him as badly as Ares did was enough to get him through the rest of the day, and he found himself grinning back at the smaller man. "So does this mean you're talking to me again?"

"We have a lot more talking to do," Joxer answered, his expression turning serious. "I mean it, Ares. We've got to straighten out some things; I know you don't want to talk about it, but if we don't this is just going to happen again three months from now."

Ares nodded his understanding, although the truth was he wasn't really listening anymore. He hadn't heard the word 'no', and that was all he really cared about. Before he realized what he was doing he reached for Joxer, only to freeze when he heard the door open behind him. Before he had time to turn around and see who'd interrupted them Joxer had put at least three feet of space between them, all the color draining from his face as he watched whoever it was walk into the room.

Slowly Ares turned toward the door, forcing what he hoped was a nonchalant grin as he watched two students take seats in the back of the room. He didn't recognize either boy, but it was obvious from their expressions that they'd picked up on something when they walked into the room. The joy he'd felt a moment ago quickly faded to regret, and he turned back to Joxer with what he was sure was a miserable expression. When their eyes met again Joxer gave him an encouraging smile, making Ares' pulse quicken in spite of the fact that they'd just been caught almost kissing by two sophomores.

"Thank you for understanding, Mr. Kouros," Joxer said, gesturing for Ares to follow as he started in the direction of the door. "I appreciate the fact that you're willing to talk to the boys about their behavior in class. I'm sure it will make a much bigger difference coming from you than it would from me."

"Sure…I mean it's the least I can do," Ares stammered, wincing as he tripped over his own words.

He flinched when a warm hand landed on his arm, glancing down at Joxer's fingers before he looked up at the other man again. When their eyes met Joxer's expression was the picture of professionalism, however, and once again Ares found himself being herded out the door. "I know you've got a class to get to," Joxer said a little more loudly than he needed to as he pushed Ares gently into the hall. "Thanks for stopping by."

A moment later Ares found himself alone in the hall, staring at the door to the music room. He shook his head and glanced around to make sure no one was watching him before he stole another quick glance at Joxer through the window. He couldn't quite stop the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth as he watched Joxer making conversation with the boys that had walked in on them; he knew he should feel guilty for taking such a huge risk and jeopardizing Joxer's career, but it was hard to worry about that when he'd just gotten a second chance at the best thing that had ever happened to him.

~

"I'm not perfect, you know," Joxer murmured, shifting against Ares and reaching up to cover the hand that was resting against his chest. Ares watched as he entwined their fingers together, wrapping his other arm a little more firmly around Joxer's waist.

He didn't want to talk about this now; he knew Joxer wasn't going to let him get away with not talking at all, but right now he wanted to focus on the slide of soft skin against his chest and the warm weight of Joxer pressed against him. He wasn't sure how long they'd been sitting propped against the arm of the couch with Joxer's back pressed firmly against his chest, but as far as he was concerned they could stay right where they were forever. He couldn't think of a single reason to ever move from this exact position, especially when Joxer's thumb began moving against his palm.

"I'm serious," Joxer said when Ares didn't answer, twisting his neck to try to catch a glimpse of Ares' profile. "Look at the way I ran out of here the other night. I have a terrible habit of doing that, I always have. Any time something doesn't go my way I take off, that's the biggest complaint all my boyfriends have had about me."

"It doesn't matter," Ares answered, brushing his lips against the soft skin just below Joxer's ear. "You're here now, that's all that matters."

"Ares," Joxer said, his tone letting Ares know that he wasn't about to let the subject slide that easily. "You promised you'd talk about this. We should have talked about it before we did anything else."

A low, rich laugh escaped Ares' throat as he ran his free hand over Joxer's bare arm. "I'm not sure I could have concentrated on conversation if we hadn't done something else first."

He felt Joxer's smile before he saw it, the sight warming him in a different way than the body pressed against him. "That's probably true," Joxer conceded. "But now that we've got that out of our system we need to talk about why you decided that I'm too perfect."

Ares swallowed a resigned sigh and sank a little further into the couch, pulling Joxer tight against him again. "I told you, you always know what I need before I do. You always say the right thing, and you never seem worried about anything."

"Of course I worry."

"Oh, really? About what?" He didn't mean for it to sound like as much of a challenge as it did, but he couldn't help wondering what it was that Joxer spent his time worrying about.

"I worry that you're going to get tired of spending all your time with a boring old schoolteacher."

"You're not old," Ares said. He relaxed a little at the sound of Joxer's soft laugh, but he couldn't tell whether or not the other man had been joking. The thought that he could ever get bored with Joxer was so ridiculous that he had no idea how to answer, so he just tightened his grip on the other man and pressed another kiss to the side of his neck. "You're not boring either. In fact, Dite seems to think you're quite a catch. She warned me not to let my stubborn pride get in the way of us."

"You talked to your ex-wife about me?"

"Well she is a marriage counselor," Ares said. "So she knows a little something about relationships."

Another soft laugh escaped Joxer's throat, and he shifted against Ares until the other man groaned and thrust against him again. "We may not be old, but we're too old for a repeat performance so soon," he murmured against Joxer's ear.

His only answer was a derisive snort, but before either of them could do anything to disprove his theory the phone rang. "Let the machine answer," Ares said when Joxer tried to pull away from him.

"What if it's Cupid?" Joxer asked as he craned his neck to give Ares better access to the soft skin there.

"It's not. He went to some school thing tonight, academic decathlon trials or something. And there's nobody else in the world I want to talk to right now."

As soon as he finished speaking the machine picked up, filling the room with his own voice for a few moments before the message beeped and began recording. For a moment he didn't recognize the voice, but as soon as he did he closed his eyes and prayed that this wouldn't ruin everything they'd spent the past few hours working out.

"Ares, where are you?" the disembodied voice said into the silence of the room. "I haven't seen you in an age, I'm starting to think you're avoiding me. I've got the whole weekend free if you're up for it. Give me a call."

As soon as the line clicked and went dead Joxer pulled away from Ares, his expression guarded as he turned to face the other man. "Who was that?"

"No one, I promise," Ares answered, sitting up and reaching out to cup Joxer's cheek in his hand. The other man tensed but didn't pull away, and Ares decided to take that as a good sign. "Just someone I used to see once in awhile, before I met you. I haven't heard from him in months; I haven't even thought about him since we started dating, I swear. He just doesn't know that I'm seeing someone, that's all. If he did he wouldn't have called."

"Well maybe you should call him and tell him to lose your number," Joxer muttered, shooting such a deadly glare at the answering machine that Ares couldn't help laughing.

"You're jealous."

"I am not," Joxer said, turning his glare on Ares.

"Yes, you are." Ares ran a thumb over Joxer's lower lip, smiling affectionately as the other man pouted at him. Before Joxer could argue with him any more he leaned forward, capturing Joxer's lips with his own. He knew he wouldn't be able to explain to Joxer why he was so relieved to know that Joxer was jealous of a voice from his past, so he didn't bother to try. Instead he focused on kissing the other man, committing the feel and taste of Joxer's mouth to memory all over again. Joxer's jealousy was the first real proof he had that he really wasn't perfect, and right now it was all he needed to convince him that everything was going to work out fine.