Chapter Text
There was the rhythmical clicking of keys being pressed, soft conversations and a subtle shuffling of feet filling the reporters room of the Daily Planet. Clark softly hummed while reading over the draft of his latest article and was quit pleased how his piece had turned out. It was nothing big, after coming back from his leave of sickness, Perry only assigned him to small articles, like this one about the recent rise in rent prices. But Clark was more than fine with it. He didn't really know if he was ready to be confronted with the pressure of a big headline article.
Just as he began to correct some errors, the TV on one of the pillars next to his desk switched to the news. Clark could feel his miss a beat as he saw a picture of himself on the screen. Well not himself directly but Superman. Ever since the events with Zod he couldn't stand the symbol of the house of El anymore. It reminded him to much of the brutal fight and the life he had to take in order to end the nightmare he was trapped in.
He could sill feel the pressure giving away under the strong force of his hands with a deafening crack and hear the panicked heartbeat suddenly come to an abrupt stop. Aside from that, he could also remember the ear-piercing and high screaming of terror from the innocent people getting caught up int the fight not able to get away or even having a chance to save their lives. On top of that was the loud crashing noises of collapsing buildings, burying people under them, and the yellow flames stretching into the sky all around him.
He quickly avoided his gaze in fear but it was already to late to avoid the damage. He could feel a headache starting to act up and a burning pressure constantly building up behind his eyelids. This left him with no other option beside keeping them closed to protect himself against the now way too bright sunlight. He awkwardly stumbled to his feed, nearly kicking his chair over in the process. On his hasty way out of the room he did nearly run into a shocked Lois and wobbled dangerously until he found his balance again and continued his escape.
Even with his eyes half closed he could still see her worried face but he really had no time to think any deeper about what sorrow he caused and how he could soothe her alarmed mind. When he finally managed to reach the broom closet with some struggle, he then heavily sank down behind the closet and looked door and desperately tried to get his hectic breathing under control. But it was no use.
The noises around him just got louder and louder and seemed to overwhelm him completely. Voices of dozens and dozens of people crashed down on him and drowned nearly everything else out. He could clearly hear Lois making up some excuses for his sudden absence, Perry ordering around Jimmy in his loud voice and Cat gossiping about the party yesterday evening. But he could also hear random strangers walking on the street, the noisy cars driving with squeaking tires, rattling trains, rushed footsteps, angry barking and honking. But it only got louder and louder the longer he sat there in the dark. And it didn't stop. It just didn't stop.
When the crushing wave of noise finally started to calm down a bit, another headache worst than the one before hit him with full force and brought with it nauseous felling.
He curled in on himself as tightly as he could and sobbed quietly. Not that it ever helped to cry - he had enough chances to test it - but he just couldn't keep it together anymore. He just felt so miserable and so very alone.
He didn't want anything more beside going home to Smallville and throw himself in the waiting arms of his mother. He missed her so much even though he had just seen her last weekend when she visited him. But right now he couldn't go on without her support. Her just telling him everything is going to be fine and he will be OK helped him to go on more than he could describe. However without being able to use the ability to fly in his current condition it suddenly became a lot harder to meet his mom.
He pinched his eyes even harder together when another tide of sickness overcame him and he felt like vomiting. A small whimper escaped his cracked lips when he was able to see the people in the rooms under him despite his closed eyes. The colors were distorted and the focus of his x-ray vision jumped around wildly, switching between muscle and bones making his vision blurr.
When this attack didn't stop or seem to weaken after nearly an hour had passed his sobs transformed into pathetic weeping and hot tears streamed down his face while he had no other chance than to wait and hope it will at some point come to an end.
Clark didn't manage to return to work this day. He actually didn't really remember how long he had stayed curled up in the broom closet and how he managed to get home afterwards. The first clear recollection was waking up on the soft pillow in his apartment. Although he should properly thank Lois for it the next time he sees her, she had properly explained the situation to Perry and got him home and into his bed just because she was awesome like this. And for this he was really grateful to have her as his best friend.
Even if things didn't work out between them and Lois instantly turned him down after she found out he was Superman despite her well known crush, they were closer than ever before. He really couldn't feel resentful for how things had turned out, being given valid reasons and still having her so close afterwards. She just didn't think it was possible for them to date with him being Superman. And he could understand. They were different not only biologically and she claimed she would always want him for herself, but one couldn't simply posses the Superman. He was to good in his efforts to help everyone. She didn't want to hold him back and stop him from doing what he really wanted so she let him go, showing how deeply she cared about him.
At first he was totally heartbroken, naturally. But he quickly adjusted, began to really understand and things really started to look up again. He even started thinking about dating again. Went out more and talked to people in hope to meet someone special.
But then Zod happened. If it was hard to find somebody before the events, with most likely having to hide his identity for safety and suddenly vanishing at any giving time; it was impossible now. He had too much emotional garbage coming with him and was still not able to talk about it - not even with his mother or Lois. The attacks happened as recently as in the beginning, despite his desperate hopes they would abate with time. He wouldn't want to put anybody in the spot to have to deal with that. He know how much of a emotional train wreck he must be right now.
When he finally managed to reach the Daily Planet, he was out of breath and he already felt spend. He wiped his sweat soaked hair out of his feverishly hot face and loosed his first few buttons to get more air into his lungs. It was still strange to be so human. So vulnerable. He normally could throw cars without breaking a sweat but now the smallest action like working to work cause dhim trouble. But he already started to get used to having to adjust and planned ahead by scheduling in way more time than he needed in case he suddenly feel weak.
His reflection in the glass of Perry's door looked sickly and worn out. His eyes were deeply sunken in and large bags were under his eyes, his skin was a unnatural white tone expect his bright red cheeks, he posture was even more slumped then usual and his hair had lost its natural shimmer. But the worst were his eyes. The usual so bright sky blue orbs were clouded, dull and puffy from crying.
He quickly averted his eyes, not able to look at himself anymore and entered the office after a short knock.
He coughed awkwardly when his voice just didn't come out right and tried again. It was still rough and scratchy but he could talk: „I'm sorry for vanishing yesterday, Perry. It will try to not let it happen again, if I can.“
He didn't make any promises, knowing he would most likely not be able to keep them in his condition, even if he wanted to.
Perry examined him for a long time before answering, like he was debating what he wanted to say. Finally, after taking a deep breath, he spoke: „ Are you really sure you should be back at work already? Don't take this personal Kent, but you look really awful. Why don't you go back home and rest?“
Clark let slip a prolonged sigh. If staying in bed would help make it any better he would be a blessed man. But he already tested it for a couple of days and it didn't help at all. Actually exactly the opposite was the case, the longer he stayed inside, alone and in silence, the worse he got.
He tried to explain this the best way he could to Perry, without letting slide what his problem honestly was.
At first Perry looked genuinely confused but than his eyes lighted up brightly and he had a understanding smile on his face. He gave Clark a comforting clap on his back.
„I know Kent, women can be like a curse. If she truly is able to make you feel this awful, she must have been an astonishing girl but there are other fishes in the big sea. You will get over her eventually and find the right one. On this note, did I ever tell you the story about this girl I had a thing for when I was still working as assistant?“
With this Perry launched into an half hour rant about his younger days. But Clark actually didn't mind. The normality in this was kind of calming and when he finally left the office and returned to his desk, he not only felt better but also had a small smile on his lips.
On his desk he found some cheap chocolate. A gift properly left there by Jimmy. Now he felt bad for worrying his friend like this but it was nice to see people still care about him.
When a cup of steaming coffee appeared in his field of vision, the corners of his mouth turned up.
“Thanks, Lo. You are the best“, he said.
He got an annoyed huff for an answer: „Natural I'm Smallville.“
However she got serious again in the next moment, „But really Clark, are you OK? You look like shit and you were barely conscious yesterday. Are you sure there is nothing I can help you with?“
Clark rubbed his neck in embarrassment and could feel his face turning a slight pink color. So he was right about Lois truly being the one to ensured he came home safely yesterday.
„I'm as good as I'm gonna get. But I just can't stay at home anymore all by myself. It drives my insane. I'm so sorry for causing you trouble but I'm really grateful for your help.“
She just shook her head and signaled to him it was totally fine. After working together for so long they got really good at reading each others body language. Knowing exactly what ticked the other off and how to act according to the little pointers, which were so easy to notice for them.
Just as she was about to continue their conversation, someone in the office turned up the volume on the news: “There is still no information about Superman's whereabouts. After the disastrous fight with General Zod, which left immense damage to the city, he mysteriously vanished. There are many speculations and theory's. But we can't be sure at this point with the little amount of clues we have.
Is he injured or even death, we don't know. Or does he just hide from humanity because of the brutal actions on of his own kind force him to commit? But we do know at this point about the terrible earthquake yesterday evening in the south of Hawaii. And we do know about the 23 people, who are already confirmed death and the number is steadily rising. A number, which could be deftly smaller if Superman had made a appearance at the scene. So where is our hero now I our time of need?“
As the news continued on the volume got turned down again. Lois looked back at Clark's now definitely hurt face. She held his hand in a comforting gesture.
„You realize, it is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done with things being like they are right now.“
„I know. I really do, Lo“, he took her hand in his and felt for her pulse, looking for some comfort he normally could get by simply listening. It was always calming to hear the proof of an important person being alive and well. It really unsettled him whenever he tried to reach out for his mother or Lois now but his powers betrayed him and there was nothing expect random mingled noises.
„However, it doesn't get easier. I just want to help. Knowing I could save them but neglecting to do so is kills me inside.”
He clenched his fist roughly but instantly let go again as he noticed he was now crushing Lois hand, yet she didn't even flinch.
She looked deeply in thoughts for a few moments and start speaking very softly, really careful just as if she was afraid to scare him away with her words: “Maybe you should go out, see something else and meet people. I need to attend Lex's gala tomorrow evening I need to cover for an article but I'm allowed to bring a plus one. Yes, I know it is normally not something you would do but maybe it would help. You don't have to but I would be happy if you came with me.”
His first instinct was to firmly refuse. He hated social gatherings like this. Places where everyone acted overly friendly with each other but gossiped behind each others back. Everyone was so superficial there, only making petty small-talk or boast about some lame achievements and money. Normally he did try to dodge interviews at such events and let other reporters go. But Lois was right, again. What did he have to loose? He had already hit rock bottom. If he really collapsed at the event, he at least could blame it one the alcohol and he would never have to see any of the rich society again.
Slowly he nodded and Lois had a relieved smile on her face as if she had still waited for a negative reaction.
“Perfect, I will bring you some nice clothes as fast as I can. You have absolutely no fashion sense, Clark. Flannel? Really, we are not on a farm anymore”, she teased and returned to her own desk.
Lois made good on her promise: the next day he found a box with formal clothes in his apartment. She must have used her key to let herself in while he was still at work. She had insisted on having one when she found out about his episodes so she could check in on him without having to break the lock again like when she found him passed out on his kitchen floor.
He couldn't say how exactly it had happened but one minute he was cleaning like usual and in the next moment he stared up to Loise's worried face. She told him afterward she had wanted some intel on a story but he didn't answer his phone all day. When she finally came over to check in on him she had seen him laying there on the floor and forced her way inside.
He slowly turned in front of the mirror again mustering the tight fit of the suit. He suddenly felt very self-aware. There was no really point in hiding his muscles with no Superman in the world to be compared. But he just couldn't get used to the way the clothes clung to his frame after making sure to always buy his clothes two sizes too big. He missed his comfortable flannel shirts and his too big jacket to snuggle in. But the suit was a present from Lois and despite him feeling uncomfortable he had to admit it actually looked kinda nice and did a good job in hiding how much weight he lost in the last couple of weeks. He almost looked healthy like this.
A look he didn't had since Zod. He truly wanted to eat more but most days he didn't have any form of appetite and if he tried to force himself to eat it just wouldn't stay down for long. So at some point he just gave up and eat something small whenever he could.
He adjusted his glasses one last time, just to be safe, before grabbing his keys and wallet. He went outside just as Lois halted in front of his house in a taxi she had insisted on picking him up with.
The gala was packed with people and Clark felt suffocated immediately. He looked helplessly over to Lois but only got a reassuring smile in return. They only stepped through the door a few moments ago but there were already many desiring looks directed at Lois. No wonder, she looked absolutely stunning tonight in her bright green dress and with her hair in soft curls.
Undoubtedly a tactic to get some poor celebrities to cooperate and draw out more information. And it seemed to work, there were already a few people approaching her. He quickly gave her a small wave and left her side so he wouldn't disturb her work. At such a big and important event it was better not to burden her and let her some room to to her work.
He grabbed a glass of champagne, when a waiter passed him with a tray, and took a small sip of it. A grimace formed on his face when he tasted the sparkling liquid and he wondered again how rich people manage to always have bad tasting but undoubtedly expensive food and drinks at such events. And despite Lex boyish image he apparently kept with this long ongoing tradition of catering. Clark looked over at the buffet but decided against checking it out, knowing it would likely have nothing worth risking upsetting his stomach over.
With really nothing else to do and no people wanting to talk to a commoner like him, he stood in the middle of the room cradling his champagne glass to his chest undoubtedly looking totally lost. With the passing time he got more and more uncomfortable he got and he really was debating about finding Lois or leaving early when he heard somebody clean their throat behind him. He slowly turned around not wanting to give away how startled he really was and took a few moment to just stand there shocked stiff and with his month slightly open when Lex Luthor himself stood before him just smiling slightly. Clark blinked a few times before shutting his mouth with a audible click.
Lex only laughter a bit at Clark's startled reaction: “Well this is defiantly a first. No need to be so shocked we are all really good friends here, aren't we?”
Clark really didn't like how Lex stretched the 'really' in his sickly-sweet tone. He instantly felt really distressed in the presence of the other man and just wanted to get away. He should use this chance to do his job and get one of Lex rare interviews but he just couldn't bring himself to care. There was a heavy feeling in his stomach and he started fidgeting. He couldn't really pinpoint why the presence of the Lex unsettled him so much, like no one before manged to do but he did.
Clark forced a very strained smile on his face and planned the best way to excuse himself without seeming overly rude.
“Good evening, Mister Luthor”, using the other man's last name would hopefully force some distance between them, “A wonderful event you have here. I will make sure to check out the rest right now. Well, it was nice meeting you. If you would exc...”
He never got to finish his sentence when an arm suddenly appeared around his hips and Lex got undoubtedly closer then necessary. He could feel the hot breath on his ear when Lex started speaking right next to him.
“Oh please Clark, call my Lex. Absolutely no need to be formal with me. I don't mind you being very causal with me. Very, very causal.”
Clark's mouth went dry instantly and every word of protest got stuck in his throat. He struggled in an attempt to get some space between them but Lex just followed him as if he were glued to his side. Panic start rising in him and he looked wildly around for any sort of help but nobody paid them any attention or cared for his harassment.
The uneasy feeling in his gut got worse and he felt like throwing up. Another attack was slowly building up and Clark didn't know how much long he could hold on until he lost control and broke down.
He roughly jerked Lex arm away and ignored his high pitched protest in favor of getting the hell out from there. He swayed on his feet, the room around him was turning and coming in and out of focus. His vision was fading to black at the edges and he was getting closer and closer to loosing the little amount of food he was able to eat today.
The safety of the balcony seems to drawn further and further away into the distance as he took some wavering steps toward it.
He forced his feet forward, taking one cautious steps after another, bracing himself on the wall.
Finally after some more effort at last he reached the balcony door.
Fresh air leaped to meet him and he finally took a breath he didn't even know he was denying himself. Now, knowing that he urges for air he took some hasty, fast breaths but didn't get any air into his lungs. All he could manage were some hasty gasps and the lack of oxygen caused him to stagger.
He collide with something solid and tumbled helplessly to his knees on the cold stone tiles, which were wet from the rain this afternoon.
Everything was getting incredible loud and he couldn't even hear his own breathing or heartbeat over the commotion around him. The fake loud laughs and giggles, the gossiping in unnatural opulent voices, the high clacking of glasses. It was just to much for him. The stench of the inedible food, the heavy layer of sweat and the overly strong reeking perfumes filled his nose and made him dry heave.
Clark coiled up seeking for the smallest bit of comfort he could get, trying to endure the pain, now twisting his insides out, eating him up. If felt as if somebody had rammed a Kryptonite knife into his abdomen and was now slowly but steadily twisting it. Jerkin it around harshly just when Clark partly got used to the pain. He could feel hot tears streaming down his grotesquely distorted face and the powerful sobs made him shudder and tremble all over.
He couldn't do this anymore. It has never been this bad before. He didn't want to do this anymore. He just wasn't able to do this anymore. To live with the pain. Maybe being dead would be better. It would relieve him of his burden. It would be quiet. Sure ma and Lois would be sad but he would finally be free. And they would understand it was the best for him. No more suffering. No more pain. Only peace. He thought about the railing but it wouldn't be enough. It would leave him a chance of failing. His mind quickly jumped to the piece of Kryptonite safely stashed away in a small box in his apartment. Received shortly after is condition started to worse and since than a constant option sitting in the back of his mind.
“...it's gonna be OK. I've got you. Just breath”
And then there was silence. Nothing but this soft hypnotic voice drawing him back to reality and out of his endless misery.
He lifted his tear-stained eyes and blinked to clear his vision and size up the handsome stranger kneeing in front of him on the dirty ground. The guy had a small, reassuring smile on his face, strongly contradicted by the worried frown nestled between his eyebrowns. He drew soothing circles on Clark's shoulders with warm strong hands. Also keeping Clark upright this way. He himself surly didn't have the energy left to keep in a sitting position. To Clark surprise a slow and steady heartbeat filled his ears with its comforting sound and a natural leathery scent calmed down his stomach. All his senses began to concentrate on this man and everything else got turned out.
Clark felt good, better then he ever did since the incident with Zod. Sure he was exhausted still and he could still not get his shaking under control but the heavy weight was no longer pressing on his chest and he could finally breath again.
“Just like this. In and out. Good”, the calming voice keep speaking to him while Clark got himself more and more under control again and after the stranger swept away the tears from Clark's face with his soft and nice smelling handkerchief, he was strong enough to attempt to get on his feet. Almost instantly he felt a hand pulling him up and keeping him steady. When he felt the effort of the task wear off, a glass of water appeared in his hands and he drunk thirsty finally noticing how much his body had graved for it. When the older man took the glass back he gave Clark the
once-over to make sure he was really fine on his own. Apparently satisfied with his observation he patted Clark on the back to go back inside.
But Clark didn't want him to leave. This man manged to give him the comfort he so desperately needed. He couldn't just loose this after a few minutes to maybe never feel it again. He just couldn't.
He quickly grasped the others wrist with a bit to much strength and instantly release it in shock.
His lip quivered and he looked down embarrassed for acting out like this. He couldn't force a complete stranger he just meet this evening to help dealing with his emotional trauma. Heck, the other man must clearly think Clark was insane or on drugs for having a breakdown like this at a public gathering.
But to Clark's surprise he felt soft fingers in the next moment cradled his wrist and he looked up to clear and attentive eyes.
“It's OK. I will stay by your side.”