Work Text:
Colin let out a content sigh, turning the pages of the textbook he held in his lap. His body was practically melted against Neil, who sat behind him on his bed. The quiet sound of smooth jazz coming from Colin's computer kept the room from being too quiet.
Neil had come into his room about an hour ago, loudly proclaiming that he needed cuddles, making sure to cap the request with a “no homo”. Colin knew this ‘feels sesh’, as Neil liked to call them, was a long time coming. He had been working long hours lately and he had noticed Neil was far from being his usual happy-go-lucky self.
As Neil’s hands ran through his hair, he reminisced on the nature of their relationship. Colin knew he was in love with Neil. And, much to his chagrin, Neil was straight. He knew this because he said it loudly, and often. Especially when Marjory teased him about the borderline couple things they did together.
Neil’s arms slid around his neck, his head resting on Colin’s crown.
Colin was very much aware that he shouldn’t torture himself like this. He shouldn’t allow Neil to hang off of him, to press himself so closely that they moved as one unit instead of separate beings. He shouldn’t let Neil convince him to ‘hang out, just the two of them’ and convince himself it’s not a date, they’re not dating, Colin get yourself together. He shouldn’t let Neil crawl into bed with him after a nightmare, and he definitely shouldn’t hold him close enough to feel his heartbeat and pretend that for once, someone loved him back.
Even now, he can feel Neil’s heart against his back, the steady beat and the warmth of Neil’s body lulling him into a near doze. He wondered if it would still be like this if they dated. If Neil would still act the same.
“Is everything okay? You stopped turning pages like five minutes ago.” Neil’s voice startled Colin out of his daydreams.
“How do you even know that? Are you counting how much time passes between page turns?” He felt Neil shrug. He didn’t answer the question. “I’m just...thinking, I guess.”
“Thinking about what?” Colin froze. He couldn’t exactly tell Neil he was thinking very gay thoughts about him. He tensed in Neil’s arms as he tried frantically to think of something to say.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, man.” He could hear the frown in Neil’s voice. As guilty as he feels, Colin doesn’t try to explain himself. With Ruth graduated and out of the city, Neil doesn’t have anyone else he feels close enough to talk to. He won’t ruin this for him.
They sit in silence for a few moments, the tension in the air palpable. Gone was the cozy, comfortable feeling of before, replaced with the heaviness of the unspoken words between them. Colin felt like he was suffocating, words trying to claw their way out of him. He swallowed them back down, his dry throat clicking. Neil’s arms tightened around him when he made to get up, to escape his now uncomfortable presence.
“Colin…” Neil said hesitantly. Colin, now stiff in his arms, turned his head slightly toward him. Neil took a few deep breaths, visibly upset.
“Colin, I think… I think I might be in love with you.” Neil buried his face in the back of Colin’s head, hiding his expression from view. They both sat frozen against each other, one in shock, the other in fear; two puzzle pieces that didn’t quite fit. Neil waited with bated breath as Colin struggled to process the situation.
Colin had spent a significant portion of his childhood believing he was unlovable. His parents had abandoned him at the orphanage with a squalling baby sister and an incurable disorder. The orphanage didn’t have enough money to properly treat his seizures, so those nasty little brats at the orphanage had plenty of ammo to severely scar his self esteem. Your parents didn’t want you, you twitchy little tweaker, why would anyone else? Why would anyone else indeed? His only friend, if you could call her that, at the orphanage was his little sister. It took three years for anyone to want to adopt him along with her. No one wanted to adopt an epileptic child, deal with all the medication, the hospital bills. Insurance wouldn’t cover everything, it never does.
The day he was adopted by his parents was the happiest day of his life. He had honestly given up hope of being adopted. He had fully accepted that no one would want him, not when Lainey, perfect Lainey, was available. She was healthy, intelligent, happy. She would have been adopted years before had it not been for her insistence on staying with him. When their parents had adopted them, he had finally felt, for the first time, that he was truly worthy of being loved. The older kids had told him that adults don’t adopt kids unless they feel that they will come to love them. And it really was true, to some extent. He heard it in the conversations the adults had with the matrons when they brought back a kid that ‘wasn’t the right fit’.
When the kids at the orphanage heard about the people who were adopting him, they had a lot to say on the matter. About how their mom looked like a man in women’s clothes. How their dad constantly talked about nonsense. How they felt bad that Lainey was stuck with a bunch of freaks. Yeah, they said to him. You really are a good fit for them. A freak in a freaky family.
And, now that he really thinks about it, the trend continues. He’s in love with someone who can’t even see him. Another ‘freak’ as they would say. And said ‘freak’ loved him back? All this time, he said he was straight, hammered it in until it was cemented as an unchangeable fact in his mind. He let out a bitter laugh. He wouldn’t be surprised if this was another one of Neil’s pranks. Another sick, stupid joke that they would laugh about later.
“Do your antics never cease?” He spat. His voice sounded cold, even to himself. “Do you never tire of playing with my feelings?” He snapped the textbook shut, the sharp sound echoing off the walls, making Neil flinch. The soft music in the background felt like a mockery of the soft moment they shared before this disaster of a conversation. He tried to sit up, but Neil’s suddenly clinging weight threw him off balance.
“No, no, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Neil chanted urgently. Colin refused to believe it. How could he not have meant it as a joke? He’s straight. Colin's male. There was no other way to see it.
“You’re straight, or have you forgotten?” Colin snarled, struggling to remove Neil’s arms from where they were wrapped around his neck and chest, restraining him, strangling him. “Let go of me, Neil!”
As soon as he is released, he hurriedly put some space between them. He took deep breaths, pushing the panic down. When he felt he had his emotion mostly back under control, he turned back to Neil. Neil, who was looking at his lap, shaking. At first, Colin thought he was laughing, and felt outraged. But the music lulled, and he heard Neil’s hitching breath, and, soon after, he saw tears falling under his sunglasses and down his face. His usual toothy grin was contorted into a watery grimace, holding back gut wrenching sobs. Colin’s anger drained out of him, leaving him deflated and feeling confused.
“Neil?” Colin reached out and touched his shoulder gently, not sure if his touch was welcome after that spectacular blow up. When his hand touched Neil, it was as if the floodgates opened, and suddenly Neil was openly sobbing into his shoulder, apologies flowing out of his mouth like a broken faucet.
“I didn’t mean it as a joke, Colin, I really meant it, I would never make a joke about something like this, I swear, but if you’d rather I did make it a joke I can; I just wanted you to know I’m like, so gay for you, full homo, but if that grosses you out we can pretend I never said it, so can we please forget about it and go back to how things were,” Neil mumbled into his shoulder. Colin was pretty sure Neil didn’t breathe throughout that whole confession and he honestly didn’t hear about half of it, but he definitely heard the ‘I’m like, so gay for you’. Honestly, that was so… Neil that it brought him one step closer to believing him.
Colin felt overwhelmed. His chest was tight, his throat closing in on the words he wanted to say but couldn’t get out. His eyes felt raw with unshed tears. With unsteady hands, he pulled Neil away from his sopping shoulder, wiping away his tears with his sleeves. He hesitated, studying the uncertain look on Neil’s face, before slowly, gently, bringing their lips together. The salt of Neil’s tears slicked their lips. Neil’s hands came up to rest against Colin’s shoulder blades, a warmth seeping through his shirt. They stayed like that for a few endless, perfect moments, before pulling away.
“Do you mean it?” Colin asked breathlessly. Neil nodded, a wobbly smile struggling to stay in place. Colin kissed him again, a short, chaste peck.
“Is this what kissing is like?” Neil whispered. Colin laughed, a short, bright burst of sound.
“Yeah.” They were in each other’s space again, practically cuddling while still managing to stay upright.
“You like me too, right?” The hope in Neil’s voice was almost painful.
“Duh, Neil.” Despite the tears Colin could still see running down his face, Neil looked happier than he had ever seen him. With minimal protest from Neil, Colin pulled his shades up, resting them on the top of his head. His cloudy eyes were staring in Colin’s general direction, locked on to a perpetual nothingness. “You’ve got some really pretty eyes, you know that?”
“That’s pretty gay, babe.” Colin snorts.
“You’re pretty gay.”
“No u"
"How did you say that outloud?"