Chapter Text
‘Maybe love was superstition, a prayer we said to keep the truth of loneliness at bay. I tilted my head back. The stars looked like they were close together, when really they were millions of miles apart. In the end, maybe love just meant longing for something impossibly bright and forever out of reach.’ - Leigh Bardugo
**
The hands of fate must have been having a laugh when they’ve finally fulfilled Tony’s wish. That or they were all pissed drunk with Loki because what other deity could have cursed Tony to such a fate: soulmate to none other than Captain America himself.
He truly wants to blame Loki for this awful luck.
So many people in the universe. Eight billion alone on Earth and yet none of them could have been Tony’s soulmate. Nope. It had to be Steve Rogers, who is already bonded to his dead best friend, James ‘Bucky’ Barnes.
It really has to be Loki’s fault.
‘Tony,’ Steve says, tasting the name on his lips and oblivious to the fact that he’s turning the engineer’s world upside down.
That’s it. One word. And everything in Tony’s life is in chaos.
Whoever programmed this whole soulmate thing must have been crazy. Seriously? People discovering their soulmates by simply hearing the other person say their name and unlocking the fucking floodgates of can’t-live-without-you-because-you-make-me-whole instinct is fucking nuts.
And Tony just needs to say Steve’s name back and Captain America will know that he’s mated to no other than one problematic Tony Stark. Damn, all his baggages that Steve has to carry around if the genius let them happen. Well, he can probably use the joke about how his baggages are designer. And then Steve can say that his are vintage.
But let’s be real, Captain America doesn’t have that much issues. Maybe only being alive in the twenty-first century when everyone he knows is dead. Except for Peggy Carter. Tony doesn’t want to think about the little time she has. It aches.
‘Captain,’ Tony replies back and shaking Steve’s hands. Damn it to hell with how every fibre in him craves to say Steve’s name out loud. But Stark men are made of iron, so he manages to keep the blond’s name in his mouth.
It’s a blessing in disguise when he and Steve tend to collide with their personalities. Polar opposites really. And just a living proof that there had been some mistakes when matching Tony’s soulmate. But that doesn’t mean that there’s not a second the genius aches to hold Steve’s hand or be stared at by those baby blues with warmth that thirteen year old Tony had dreamt of.
Even when he’s mad at his father, Howard, for all the traumas and issues from bad parenting, Tony can’t bring himself to corrupt Steve’s clean reputation by confessing that he’s the super soldier’s new soulmate. That would also mean trying to fill in for Barnes. And he’s not sure he can.
Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are national heroes. They are legendary icon and honourable soldiers. They are beckon of hope. Light in times of darkness.
While Tony Stark is a narcissistic playboy who doesn’t know where parties end and priorities begin. And also, the Merchant of Death, can’t forget that bit.
It’s not rocket science to formulate a decision on whether or not Tony should tell Steve or not. Besides Steve and Bucky are considered the one Greatest Love Stories of All Time.
So, Tony keeps his mouth shut and only utters Steve’s name in the safety of his workshop when he’s alone. And sometimes when the nightmares come to haunt him, he mutters Steve’s name like a prayer as if to taunt his demons that he has a knight to save him. Even when he knows he doesn’t. Still, he pretends that he does.
‘Are you okay?’ Steve asks him one day when they’re in Tony’s workshop. The super soldier is sketching while Tony’s stupidly marvelling how gorgeous Steve is.
‘Huh?’ he says absent-mindedly, hoping he’s not blushing for getting caught. Fuck! He’s suppose to be good at this incognito glances. ‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ He turns back to the tablet he has in his hand.
Why is Steve even down here with him? Why can’t Steve sketch somewhere else? Ugh! How many gods did he piss off to be tortured like this? And that all-too-small shirt that Steve is wearing doesn’t help him control his ogling.
He needs to get his focus in check. He can’t slip now.
‘You’re thinking too loud,’ Steve tells him, he has an amused smile on his face.
Tony badly wants to punch Steve in his perfect face. No one should be armed with a smile like that, a smile that can probably sell ice to Eskimos.
‘I can help you, you know,’ Steve continues. ‘But not unless you tell me what’s got you worried.’ And he sounds so damn sincere that Tony wants to cave in and say fuck to whatever is left of his moral.
But he can’t. He can’t slip. Not even when Steve’s making it so hard for Tony to hate him. Not when Steve’s such a nice guy with a dry sense of humour. Not even then.
Living with Steve is like having a taste of the what an amazing life he could be living with a soulmate. He’s not sure if it could be more awesome than what he’s getting now — all the genuine concern, the warm smile, the feeling of belongingness — or if he will ever get to experience it.
He wants to say he’s getting punished for all the lives that drip so red from his ledger, he’s sure it’s worse than Natasha or anyone else in their team. Definitely worse. More reason to keep his mouth shut and let Steve live the wonderful life that he should.
‘Tony.’ Steve’s voice drips with concern that makes something deep in Tony’s chest ache.
‘It’s just a bit of stuff on SI,’ Tony lies, trying to come across as nonchalant as possible.
Some of the worry on the blond’s face sheds a bit. ‘Well, in that case I can help you with some PowerPoint if you want.’
And maybe he can’t fall in love with Steve — he is not — but he sure is allowed to be fond of him. That’s exactly what Tony does as he permits himself to throw a gooey grin at his teammate.
‘And then fill it with that star transition?’ he teases lightly. ‘No way.’
Steve scowls at him without heat. ‘That was one time,’ he insists. ‘And it was Clint’s fault.’
‘Please.’ Tony snorts. ‘You’re not as innocent as you’d like to seem, Cap. That could have worked with me before. But not now. I know that deep down those angelic baby blues, you’re a little shit.’
‘Language,’ the blond chastises mechanically. And then there’s ashort pause before he says with a mischievous smirk, peeking at Tony under his long lashes, ‘Angelic baby blues, huh?’
By god, the only thing that’s missing is Steve winking at him or something.
And if Tony’s heart isn’t beating so loudly in his chest, he would have asked if Captain America just subtly flirted back at him. But that can’t be right, can it? Are they already in that level? Like sure, Tony flirts like he breaths but that’s him. Steve on the other hand though... he’s old school.
When did Steve become so comfortable around Tony to flirt back? As if Tony’s not amazingly fucked before, now he really is.
**
When SHIELD fell along with a huge part of HYDRA — because they have to face it, there’s no assurance that they have completely annihilated the secret organisation — and Steve discovered that his soulmate is alive, Tony is torn between being happy for Steve and accepting the loss of someone he never had in the first place. Now that Bucky’s back in the picture, it’s just clear that he wasn’t meant for Steve because the two soldiers managed to find each other despite everything that they went through.
Star-crossed lovers is what they are. How could Tony compete with that?
Accepting facts is easy because it has logical evidence. But nonetheless, it doesn’t mean it will hurt less. No, it felt like someone took away the warmth and light that Tony relied on while he was looking away.
The days pass by in a blur of insignificance without Steve in the tower. Without Steve in his life. But Tony knows he needs to get use to it because this is his burden to carry. He deserves this. Right?
The times when he can’t breath thinking of how alone he is again. Alone like back in Afghanistan, in that cold cave with faint lighting and too many dark corners. He can’t say Steve’s name because it feels wrong. Steve isn’t his to love and to hold. The supersoldier belongs to Bucky.
And Tony... he belongs to be alone. Just like how Howard had always said.