Archive of Our Own

Donghyuck makes his life choices by one simple question: what’s the dumbest way of doing it? Then he chooses the dumbest alternative and follows through. It’s been that way ever since he can remember and now it became second nature, and he’s pretty sure he’s not going to change now that he made it to college. ‘I spent years building up a reputation, so why tore it apart now?’ , he says. Yeah, he’s pretty dumb.

He prides off the fact that he managed to become a known troublemaker during his High School days, still managing to keep good grades—a unknown fact. He would skip classes, go partying, set off the school’s fire alarm, walk around town in the middle of the night and break a lot of hearts. A. Lot. Of. Hearts. You could say he’s an asshole for that, which he’ll 100% agree with you, but if he’s got the right to defend himself (he doesn’t) he would say that he just never liked any of those people back. What can he do? Is that his fault? No . It’s not like the people he crushed hard during life ever crushed him back, so maybe that’s only fair. (It still isn’t.)

When talking about people he’s been into before, he’s never great at actually talking about it, so he writes instead. Although he always finds someone to crush on for a week or less, there has been a few people that almost got him. They’re four in total— Jeno , his childhood best friend; Mark , a nice foreign kid who lived in Korea for a while and became Jeno’s cute shadow; Taeyong , his brother’s awesome friend; Yeri , a nice and pretty girl who could get just as devilish as Hyuck himself. They were the only people he felt like remembering, the rest was directly disposed to the mistakes trashcan. But the most important thing about these four people is that they don’t know about it and never ever will. Donghyuck would rather choke to death than have them finding out. Especially Jeno. Great thing it won’t ever happen, so he’s fine.

x x x

Donghyuck is anything but fine—university is pure hell and he’s got no idea what he’s doing. Will people judge him if he starts screaming in the middle of campus or will they join him? He doesn’t know, because everything is a goddamn nightmare. Fine , maybe he’s overreacting, but what if he’s not? He’s seen how Jeno can get during exams week, he’s seen the boy running on four hours of sleep and energetic drinks, even almost got punched once for trying to get him to rest. He’s afraid he might turn into a lifeless pupil and lose his hopes and dreams so soon into freshman year. He needs the classes to finish and this hell to end.

It’s been a week of living hell. They had the whole 7 days of trial, a lot of speeches and walking around campus, meetings where they get to know each other and useless gatherings. At least he gets to spend time with his friends, so maybe not everything was a waste. He spent his free time with Lucas and Jungwoo, who apparently answer as one now, and a guy named Yuta who’s from Japan. Something he likes about the NCT University is that there are a lot of exchanging students, and they’re all really nice. He’s known Lucas since last year because of Jungwoo, and he’s also an exchanger, and Lucas swears he’s going to introduce Hyuck to bad boys from all over the world. Donghyuck won’t complain. That extra week is meant for the exchanging students, to be honest, so they can settle and get to know the other students and the campus, but it works for new students too.

“Hey Hyuck, scoot over.” Lucas motions for him, a smiling Jungwoo waving excitedly at Donghyuck behind him. “What’s good man?!”

“Feeling like my head might explode from all the speeches I heard today.”

“Don’t even tell me about it. Being an exchanging student automatically means you’ll have to go to every meeting and lecture during Try Out Week .”

“Well, being a freshman also means that, so…”

“We’re in this together, man.”

Hyuck looks at him with outrage all over his face, “You could have quoted High School Musical but missed the opportunity, you uncultured swine.”

Jaemin and Jeno are that couple that makes you want to stab your own eyes so you won’t see them being clingy and cute together, but Donghyuck has a soft spot for them. It’s probably because he saw both of them happening—the stolen glances, the blushed cheeks, the flirting and unsaid words being revealed through shy glances. Jeno had never been in love before, not real love , and Donghyuck is happy he got to see that. All he ever wanted was for Jeno to be happy and loved like he deserved, and Jaemin has so much love to give to the older boy that it’s annoying sometimes.

Although Donghyuck loves his friends and their unconditional love for each other, he can’t seem to be with them all the time anymore, mostly because he doesn’t feel comfortable. He hates being ‘there’ —they always call him to hang out with them but it feels invasive sometimes. Donghyuck doesn’t have the heart to tell them that they don’t need to invite him to every date they have—they’d say it isn’t a date if he’s tagging along, but it still is, and it’s just not fair that they feel guilty for dating and spending more time together. So he’s thankful he’s got Lucas, and although the boy is always with Jungwoo they still have different schedules—that means Lucas is always free to spend time with him during breaks, and sometimes Jungwoo will join, but most of the times it’s just them and some exchanging students. Donghyuck likes meeting new people, especially when they’re pretty—like that Sicheng guy and the Kun one. Also, the one that’s taller than Lucas… what’s his name again? Lucas said he’s got a brother who’s attending NCT University too… well, he’ll meet them sometime.

“Who’s going to the party today?”

“Uh… Everyone?”

Yuta appears out of nowhere, hugging Sicheng from behind and almost stealing a kiss from his cheek—Sicheng was fast enough to skip.

“We’re all going.” He leaves Sicheng to hug Ten, who welcomes his kiss with a blinding smile. “And so is Johnny boy.”

Ten beams at him, “Then I’m going.”

“Jeno and I will be there for sure.” Jaemin, who’s currently snuggled against his lover boy on the cafe’s couch, talks in a slurred tone—“So will Mark.”

“ Sick . He’s here already?!”

“Yeah. He missed most of Try Out Week, he booked his flight later then Johnny’s.”

Lucas ticks his tongue, “Yeah, right. My man probably did it on purpose. Smart fucker.”

Donghyuck is lost by now, mostly because they’ve all been here a year before him and he doesn’t know most people. But Mark and Johnny—the names sound familiar but it’s probably because they’re generic American names. He becomes restless, head resting against Yuta, who’s the only one willing to cuddle him. The party starts at 10pm and Donghyuck still has no idea what he’s going to wear. He wants to impress. He wants boys tripping once they see him. Girls drooling over him. He wants to keep his reputation from high school— Hyuck, the heartbreaker.

“What are you thinking of?”

He smirks at Yuta, “About how hot I’m gonna look tonight, babe .”

___

“Wassup my dude!” Lucas screams excitedly once he sees Mark, a huge smile on his face as he wraps his strong arms around Mark and lifts him up. “Missed you dude! Oh my god.”

Mark can only laugh and let himself be lifted like a doll, looking over at Jungwoo who’s got that endeared look on his face while looking at Lucas. Once the latter puts him down, they do their handshake and then Johnny becomes the next victim.

“Mark!” Jungwoo hugs him, softly. “Are you excited?”

“Yeah, I am! I missed everyone while I was gone.”

“You’re going to like this year even more! There’s so many new students! I think you might know them.”

“Oh, yeah, you definitely know Mark.” Lucas comes back, an arm going around Jungwoo’s shoulders. “They were all from the school you went.”

“Jeno must be excited then! His boyfriend’s coming right?”

“Yeah. Jaemin! I went to school with him. I kept in touch with most of them, actually.”

They talk some more, waiting for people to arrive and start the party before they go in. Lucas muggled a bottle of wine so they could share while sitting in one of the benches, already laughing from everything Lucas said. Man, Mark’s so excited to be back! He loves going to Canada to see his family but being back to Seoul always feels right. He loved living there, but he couldn’t wait to come back, almost dropped the last year of High School and came with Johnny—except his mother almost murdered him, so he gave up trying to convince them. He looks around, searching for some of his friends, but neither of them had arrived. So he waits longer, excited when Lucas introduces him to new people—cute girls called Yuqi and Nancy, a nice guy called Daniel and another one called Eric. Then it all became a private party and another bottle of wine appeared out of nowhere and suddenly it was 11:30pm and they still hadn’t walked around.

“ MARK LEE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!”

Jaemin can only laugh when he sees his boyfriend jumping on that guy’s back. Everyone around him does the same, except Donghyuck— Mark Lee?

“Wait, what?” Donghyuck turns around and grabs Jaemin far away from their friends. “Mark Lee? Mark? Markie? Cute Mark from seventh grade?”

Jaemin beams at him, a mischievous smile on his stupid lips. Donghyuck be damned—Jaemin had always teased him about his big fat crush on Mark Lee, although he always swore he didn’t have a crush on him back then. Which he obviously did, since he wrote him a letter. So imagine Donghyuck’s utter fear when he turns around and sees Jeno lifting Mark.

“Yeah, that’s cute Mark Lee from 7th grade. What about it?”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and tries not to slap Jaemin’s malicious smile off his lips. He decides to play it cool like he always did and to convince himself that Mark Lee doesn’t remember him, although he’s pretty sure the older boy kept in touch with everyone from Middle School and High School— and is also adored by all these new friends he made this past week. He’s not a nerve wreck while they’re approaching the guy, and he’s not staring or anything as he watches the cute girls laugh at something he’s speaking in English. And he also doesn’t notice as another girl comes from behind and hugs him, a huge (cute) smile on his face once he turns around and sees who it is. And he’s also not almost running away once Jaemin finally stops dragging him towards the group and calls Mark’s name.

“Yo, Lee! How dare you be all over my man?!”

He laughs and pushes Jaemin forward for a tight hug, looking genuinely happy to see the latter. “Hey, your boyfriend just can’t get enough!”

“I can kick your ass now.”

“Bring it on.”

They start pushing each other playfully but soon enough they’re laughing and giving up fighting, hugging again. Donghyuck keeps himself busy and away from them, all over Yuta and Sicheng.

“Damn Hyuck, you do look hot!”

He gives a twirl and does a pose, flashing them a smile and peace signs.

“ YOOO. HOT STUFF! ”

He doubles in laughter once he spots Lucas whistling along Jeno and Jaemin, but then he notices Mark staring at him with a look that probably means he’s thinking or trying to complete a thought, and Donghyuck knows what that’s about, so he just—

“Ay, we should enjoy this shit show, right? Let’s go ladies!” He grabs Yuta’s arm and whispers—“Your boy needs to get wasted .”

“On it, Captain.”

___

Jiwoo twirls him around, making him dance to whatever song is blasting and laughing while cooing ‘ cuteee’ whenever Mark does anything.

They’ve been best friends for around three years. Mark came to NCT to take a look, his brother as the guide, and Jiwoo happened to be here with some people to look around too. There’s a week set for students to come and meet the campus, talk with the students and watch some classes. Johnny wouldn’t stop talking about it and Mark decided that it would be nice to meet the university he was applying to. Jiwoo says it’s destiny, and Mark chooses to believe in her. They talked a lot that day and exchanged numbers, the whole week flew by and when they parted ways it felt as if they had known each other for years. They kept in touch and met again once he moved back.

“What are you thinking about?”

He twirls her around again, looking around to try finding some of his friends or his brother, but they all left him.

“About the day we met.” He says and she giggles and keeps twirling and twirling, and Mark just lets himself be guided while feeling all tension leave his body—maybe he’s had too many drinks, can’t even remember how many cups he downed. “Sooyoung told me she wants to see me.” She finally says it, whispering closely. “I don’t know if I should.”

“I thought you guys were over.”

“We are.”

He rolls his eyes but says nothing, never does. Jiwoo always tells him things and he always listens, but he never tells her what she should or shouldn’t do, because it’s not up to him how she lives her life. He’s been there for her since day one of that friendship with benefits she’s got going on with Sooyoung, he’s seen the ups and downs, heard stories with too much details and was there during her first heartbreak. And every time she’d ask him what she should do, he would tell her to choose what she thought was best for her, and it always ended up being Sooyoung. But he couldn’t understand why. He stares at Jiwoo and how pretty and glowing she looks right now. He can see her eyes gleaming with excitement, can practically hear her heart beating faster inside her chest.

“Go then. Have fun and text me if you need anything.”

She smirks and hugs him, “Don’t hold your breath.”

___

Donghyuck is currently feeling the world spin around him, his stomach doing loops inside, and he’s feeling like he might throw up at any minute now. He’s got no idea where his friends are and doesn’t know anyone around him, so all he can do is get as far as possible from all the noise, but it takes him extra time because the goddamn world won’t stop spinning.

He tumbles down once he sees a trashcan, head hanging low, almost inside the can, and he manages to let it all out. Somewhere in the back of his mind he’s thinking ‘thank god no one’s seeing this’ but he’s too gone to care if there are people around or not. Once he’s done, it’s like he can breathe again, so he lays down on the grass, belly facing the sky and takes deep breaths. He wishes he could say this was his lowest point in life but—

“Hey man, you’re okay there?”

That probably was his lowest.

Fuck. Does he knows that voice? So soft and so—close.

“Wait here. I’ll get you some water.”

Hyuck can’t even open his eyes, never mind answer the person—he’s pretty sure he put it all out but he still feels like he might be sick again if he open his mouth. A few minutes pass and he’s almost drifting to sleep, but he can hear steps and someone sitting next to him.

“C’mon now, get up so you can have some water.” The guy helps him sit down carefully. “Open your eyes, c’mon.”

Hyuck doesn’t feel like facing another human being right now, not during this low moment that he brought on himself, but the voice is so soft yet so demanding that he finds himself obeying. And he doesn’t know if he regrets that decision or if he’s dreaming.

“Now drink this.” Hyuck takes the bottle he offers and chugs half of it like his life depends on it, mouth. Once he’s done, the cute guy smiles. “There you go. I brought you a chocolate bar.”

Hyuck takes it, feeling a bit shy, and focus all his attention on opening it—he doesn’t want to look at the guy’s eyes.

“Thanks.”

“That’s nothing, really. I couldn’t leave you passed out in the middle of nowhere.”

Hyuck shrugs, “A lot of people would.”

“Yeah, but I’m not most people.”

Oh, Donghyuck knows.

He sighs, holding himself from saying that out loud and going for—“I’m Donghyuck.”

“From seventh grade, right?” He regrets looking up, because what he finds is a cute smile and shiny eyes. “I’m Mark.”

“From seventh grade.”

A cute giggle leaves Mark’s mouth and Donghyuck blames it on the alcohol and the sickness for all the butterflies on his stomach. Oh, shit.

“Sorry you had to see me at my lowest point Mark Lee.”

“Hey, I’m friends with Lucas—I’m pretty sure I’ve seen worse.”

“Touché.”

Mark helped him get up and walk. He called a cab and waited with Donghyuck, they got in and Mark made sure to take him home first, and to walk him upstairs, as well as wait for him to get in. Donghyuck had given his number to him but didn’t expect a text asking him if he’s got home okay.

Needless to say, Hyuck went to sleep thinking about words to put on a letter.

___

A month into college and Hyuck thinks he’s got the hang of it, then two months pass and he’s sure he was wrong before and everything is on fire and he’s on a bicycle, then three months pass and he’s pretty sure he became a zombie.

“Fuck, college is sucking the life out of me.”

“At least someone’s sucking—”

“ Please don’t finish that sentence.” Mark appears out of nowhere, sitting on the couch opposite to them. “It’s too early in the morning for that.”

Hyuck stares at him with an amused look, “It’s one in the afternoon Markie .”

Mark scrunches his nose at the nickname from years ago, but smiles softly, “I know.”

Yuta rolls his eyes—“You’re such a hetero Mark.”

“What does that have to do with anything?!”

Hyuck and Yuta only laugh at him, but he almost pities him—no one in their group of friends is straight, and Hyuck isn’t that much sure about Mark being either, but since he never says anything or shows interest in guys, he jokes around too. But the boy doesn’t really mind, he even laughs with them, and Hyuck never fails to notice a glimpse of something more in his eyes whenever something like that is said. Mark’s a chill person and Hyuck likes having him around, but he won’t admit it out loud.

“Talking about being a hetero—there’s your girlfriend, Mark.” Yuta motions with his head towards Jiwoo, who’s standing in line with another pretty girl, not even noticing Mark, who’s also not looking back. Weird . “She’s really pretty… So is her friend.”

“Do pretty girls attract each other?”

Mark smiles bashfully, shaking his head—“You have no idea.”

Hyuck watches as the girl gets her order and waits for the cute friend, Sooyoung —he knows her from around campus and dance class, heard she’s a heartbreaker or something, and honestly he can see why. She’s gorgeous. He’s so caught up in the brunette that he almost misses the shy way Jiwoo waves at Mark, like she was caught doing something bad, and with the way Mark smiles only at her and the brunette doesn’t even look his way, Hyuck guesses there’s some tea to be spilled. Interesting .

It’s an hour later and they’re still sitting at the cafe—Yuta is gone, Jeno and Jaemin came to say ‘hi’ and have a cup of coffee then leave again, that cute girl Nancy from Hyuck’s dance class came too and talked with them for a while—and looked very interested in Mark for some reason. All that means he hasn’t got the time to talk to Mark and his insides are itching to get informations about the cute girl.

“So.” He starts, cursing himself on his head because who’s dumb enough to start like that? “How long have you known Jiwoo?”

Mark, who’s now sitting beside him, doesn’t even look up from his book, too emerged on it to indulge Donghyuck with some spicy tea . The older just shrugs, “Almost three years.”

“Wow, that’s a long time.”

“I don’t know… I’ve known you since 7th grade.”

Hyuck rolls his eyes dramatically —Mark’s apathy making him go mad. “We haven’t been friends since then.”

That makes Mark finally look up at him, curiosity inside his eyes, and something blooms inside Hyuck’s stomach once again. He hates the feeling, but doesn’t let it show. “True… But are we now? Friends , I mean.”

Hyuck keeps staring into his eyes, at loss of words for the first time in a long time, and it’s like those moments in a movie where everyone goes quiet and he can only hear his beating heart.

“Yeah. Friends.”

__

Mark was demanded to wait for Jiwoo outside the building from her Dance class, but he got bored and decided he’d go in and watch the dancers go at it. Yuta and Sicheng always talk about how fun the class is, and Jisung is just biased at this point—he won’t ever shut up about it. And he gets why while he’s watching them dance from the glass window. The dance moves, the cheerful people, the way they express so many emotions through their dance in individual ways. He watches Donghyuck who’s unaware of his presence like everyone else, and the boy is glowing —it reminds him of Donghyuck from 7th grade; so carefree, so recklessly beautiful, so himself. Donghyuck glows and Mark can’t look away.

“Mark! What are you doing here?”

Donghyuck is one of the first students to get out, hands going through his forehead to clean the sweat. Mark tries, but he can’t look away.

“I’m… waiting for Jiwoo.”

“Oh, yeah! She’s from this class.” Hyuck sends him a smile, something Mark can’t name hiding behind it. “And here I was thinking you actually came here to see me…”

Mark smiles while trying to ignore how hot his cheeks feel out of the sudden—he’s not great at flirting with guys, or girls , and Hyuck’s great at it, so great that Mark is sure it’s second-nature for him. Still, he always tries—mostly because he likes the smile on the younger’s face, and how surprised he looks whenever Mark indulges him.

“Jiwoo forced me to come and pick her up, but now that I’ve seen you dancing… might come around more often.”

He swears he’s not imagining the boy’s cheeks going pink and he chooses to think that it isn’t just because of all the dancing. He smiles softly as Donghyuck sighs and rolls his eyes, flustered.

“Shut up, Lee.”

They’re quite close and Mark couldn’t be happier—the boy standing in front of him is definitely the most beautiful human being he’s ever seen, sun kissed skin and blonde hair with colorful strands. Mark is… enderead .

That was strike one.

__

You would think things were going pretty great for Donghyuck, but it wasn’t quite like that. He found himself at home, an apartment shared with Jisung and Renjun, on a Saturday night watching Disney movies. At least he wasn’t alone, Jisung and Chenle were watching with him while Renjun filled boxes with things to donate.

“Gabriella is so boring.”

“I mean, she gets Troy in the end, so points to that.”

“She gets him but she’s still boring. Sharpay is the star of the movie.”

Chenle goes silent for a few seconds and Donghyuck smiles because he knows he won the argument.

“I’ll give you that one.”

They’re half way through the second movie when he looks over to the couch the younger boys are in, finding them cuddling, eyes glued to the TV, and Donghyuck hates how cute they are. It’s like watching movies with Jaemin and Jeno. Ugh. He hates people who are in love.

Mark texted him earlier asking him what he was up to tonight, and although he felt like lying saying he would go partying, he ended up telling him the pathetic truth. Turns out Mark was going out with his friend Jiwoo, apparently she wanted to go to a Museum Exhibition. Donghyuck repressed the almost feeling of wanting to be the one Mark was taking to a Museum date. Truth be told, Donghyuck has no idea if he and Jiwoo are actually a thing or not; they don’t look nor act like it, but they’re always together, so…

“Jisungie.” Jisung hums. “How close are you with Mark?”

He tries sounding uninterested and hopes he manages to. Apparently he does, since he can see Jisung shrugging and not even glancing at him.

“Pretty close.”

“Mmm. What about that Jiwoo girl?”

“She’s really sweet.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, “ Duh. And?”

“What about her exactly?”

Donghyuck shrugs, not even he knows what he’s trying to know. So he says, “Nothing. She seems nice.”

“Yeah. A great dancer too.”

Great. I know that too.

Halfway through the third movie, when they’re singing Walk Away along with Gabriela with all their might, Renjun appears out of nowhere holding a box bigger than him and settling it near the door, only to disappear again and come back with more boxes, but this time empty ones. Jisung pauses the movie once he makes his way to the front of the TV, the three of them booing him.

“Y’all done? Great. I want the two of you to go through your things and fill at least one box with clothes you’re no longer using.”

“I don’t think I have a whole box of clothes I’m currently using , let alone clothes to give away.”

“Well Hyuck, I’m gonna need you to pull clothes out of your ass—”

“What the fuck?” Donghyuck throws a pillow at him. “Geez, fine.”

“Thanks.” Instead of leaving the room he starts walking towards the sofa Dongnhyuck was lying down all by himself, lifting his legs. “Now rewind, I want to sing too.”

Now that’s what he calls a Saturday night.

___

You see, it comes to his mind that no one in their right mind would ever think Donghyuck has his life sorted out and completely under control. If he said so, it would be out of extreme denial. That settled, you shouldn’t be surprised for the mess he gets himself into after that same Saturday night.

Everything was normal; he woke up, showered, had breakfast, brushed his teeth and went to university. He didn’t meet with Mark and the boy was nowhere to be seen, so he spent his free time with Lucas and Jaemin. It wasn’t until his classes were done and he went to the dance studio to go over some steps with that Sooyoung girl that Mark appeared. But oh, if only Donghyuck knew what was to come out of that.

“Maybe if end this part like this…” She positions herself while humming to the beat. “It will be easier to start the next part.”

“Right. We start from where we stopped, right?”

“Yeah, that’s what thought. Ten said it would look nice, I’m really into it.”

Donghyuck smiles excitedly, “Me too! And your solo looks awesome too.”

She smiles and sends him a wink from the other side of the room where she’s gathering her stuff, “Thanks, Haechan . Maybe I’ll show it to you once I’m done overthinking and actually manage to finish the choreography.”

“I’ll be rooting for you. Fighting!”

Sooyoung laughs and waves at him at the exact time Mark comes through the door. They don’t talk much, barely even say hi to each other whenever they meet, but Sooyoung actually greets him this time. Hyuck still has no idea what goes on with those two and Jiwoo.

“Hey, what are you going here? You have most of Thursdays free.”

“Yeah, I wanted to talk to you.”

Hyuck watched him for a second; Mark’s cheeks are slightly pink, maybe because he probably ran to the dance studio or maybe, just maybe , because of something more. Although he said he wanted to talk he doesn’t say anything, waiting for Hyuck to gather his things and calm himself from all the dancing.

“So?”

“Huh. Yeah.” Mark takes a deep breath, looking lost and confused. “So… I got a letter today.”

Donghyuck deadpans, “Congratulations?”

“From… you. ”

Now, Donghyuck freaks the fuck out.

“What? A… letter? From me? A letter? ”

Mark sighs and takes something out of his back pocket and Donghyuck feels like getting inside the nearest trashcan.

“Hyuck—”

“Please don’t.”

He starts taking steps back, feeling the world spin around. All he can think about is Mark and everyone else receiving their letters. How the fuck is that possible? He’ll have to change college and identity, maybe even change countries. Oh, my. He’s not completely fluent in English so how will he be able to make it out there? And why is Mark coming closer, too close , and why is everything losing focus and—

He passes out.

___

Donghyuck blinks a few times, his eyes fighting against the idea of opening and facing the brightness surrounding him. He’s got no idea where he is and only the thought of what happened minutes ago make him want to throw up—except he doesn’t. He hears something flickering and dares opening his eyes again, the bright light no longer hurting his eyes since it was turned off. He looks beside him and finds Mark staring at him with a soft look and smile.

“Hey, Hyuck. Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” His voice is raspy and his mind is running miles per seconds. “My head hurts.”

“Might be because you passed out. The nurse told me to give these to you once you woke up.” Mark takes two pills and a cup of water, handing them to him. “C’mon, take it.”

He complies, mostly because he’s too confused and dizzy and sleepy to be a sassy bitch right now. And maybe Mark’s being extra soft and taking care of him with so much caution and patience it makes Hyuck warm inside.

“Thank you, but you don’t need to be here.”

“No, c’mon, it’s the least I can do.”

“Why?”

“Well—”

He regrets asking, but most of all he regrets being so fucking dumb and mixing up the donation boxes with the letters box. It’s the only way those letters could have been sent.

“Mark, before you say anything, I need you to know that I’m not into you.”

Half true.

“What?”

“I wrote the letter about how I felt in seventh grade.”

“Yeah, I figured, since you talked about my teeth before the braces and—”

“That’s enough, Lee!” He hides his face into his hands, voice coming out muffled. “Please let me walk out of this room with the rest of dignity I have left.”

Mark snorts, “I’m surprised you still have some.”

___

He’s home and he’s freaking out, locked inside his room and sitting in on the ground. He’s trying to sort things out inside his mind, but the only thing he’s sure about is that he’s freaking the hell out. Great.

“You need to focus.” He whispers to himself, almost like a mantra. “Okay. Four letters, four people. Mark got his, you left earlier with him so no one else saw you there. Mark’s out of the way, so there’s more three people. Okay… okay. Yeah. Yeri is cool, she’s too cool to care about it. Taeyong is your dance teacher though, fuck —good luck in class tomorrow. And then there’s…”

He forbids himself from saying the name out loud— Jeno. He stares at the wall filled with pictures of him with his friends; ironically, there’s pictures with Mark, Jeno and Taeyong. Yeri is the only one he didn’t keep that much contact with, besides saying hi to each other every now and then. Mark was nice and kind, but that’s just him. Of course he’d be okay and there to help him, of course he’d have to stay by his side while Hyuck was passed out, of course he’d take him home and text him saying he should rest more. Of fucking course .

His head hurts from thinking too much and he feels like disappearing. He thinks to himself that he needs to solve the situation in the easiest way possible. He needs to be direct and talk to all of them like he did to Mark and inform them that he doesn’t have actual feelings for them and that it was all written a long time ago. He can do that.

> jenjen-o:

hyuck

are you there???

we need to talk!

hyuck i know ur seeing this

c’mon it’s okay

i know it’s not like that

hyuck c’mon

just talk to me

But as the phone keeps vibrating and his head spinning, he comes to realization that it’s always easier said than done.

___

That Donghyuck has a tendency to do stupid things, everyone is aware; but you probably didn’t expect that he makes even dumber choices when it’s almost 3am in the morning and he can’t sleep, there’s no one to confide in and his mind won’t turn off. He’s staring at his phone wondering if he should do it or not, and although he already knows the answer, he presses into the contact nonetheless. It takes a few seconds for the other person to pick up, but they do—somehow Hyuck was sure they would.

“Hyuck? You’re okay?”

“Can you pick me up?”

“What? Why? Something wrong?”

“Can we stop playing twenty questions?” He rolls his eyes, voice coming out sweeter and more vulnerable this time. “Please. I really don’t want to be alone right now.”

There’s sounds of tossing around like the he is getting out of bed and Donghyuck lets out a relieved breath, “Give me ten minutes.”

Mark is a nice person, but Donghyuck already knew that; from helping him when he fell down in seventh grade and had a bruised knee to helping his passed out drunk ass or when he calls him in the middle of the night. He’s the nice person who won’t ask questions, won’t try to take it out of you or make you feel like you’re being a nuisance, and that’s all Donghyuck needs right now.

He takes them to a cozy cafe and asks for their drinks and a piece of cake for them to share; Donghyuck can’t help but feel warm inside, his nerves calming down. He’s pretty sure he looks like a mess, tousled hair and dark circles, but then does Mark—except he’s a nice mess to look at.

“Is it going to be like this now?”

Mark clears his throat, awkwardly staring at Hyuck, and although he knows what he’s talking about, he pretends he doesn’t.

“Define ‘this’ .”

“Awkward.” He likes the way Mark’s cheeks gradually becomes pink. “I want you to know that I’m okay with it.”

“Mark—”

“ I know . It was written when we were in seventh grade, I got that. But I’m telling you that I’m cool with it, we don’t need to be awkward.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You called me to pick you up but then didn’t even look me in the eyes!”

It’s endearing how frustrated and whiny Mark is and Donghyuck can’t help but smile softly at him. “You’re right. I’m a bit awkward right now, but it’s because you might be cool with it, but the others…”

“ Wow . There’s others?!”

Now his smile widens because Mark’s eyes are so big and filled with this almost innocent glow that makes him look like a child.

“Yeah. You and three others.”

“Damn, Hyuck.”

“Yeah. Heartbreaker Hyuck had unrequited crushes before.”

“Well, not all of these were…” Mark stops talking once Hyuck looks up at him. “I’m sure not all of them…”

“No, they were all pretty platonic and one-sided.”

Mark proceeds to eat the cake quietly but Donghyuck knows he’s thinking and allows him to sort everything out inside his head. He thinks Mark is right, there’s no need for them to be awkward. Hyuck hopes it can be like that with everyone.

“So… who are they?”

He rolls his eyes, “Really?”

“C’mon! Indulge me.”

Hyuck stares at him for a few seconds and Mark’s so calm and composed, looking like he’s got everything together and solved, and Hyuck likes that. He relies on that.

“ Kim Yeri .”

“She’s gay.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know that back then!”

Mark laughs, “Fair enough. Who else?”

“ Taeyong .”

“Now that one I have to agree with you. I think pretty much everyone from our group of friends has or had a crush on Taeyong.”

“I know! He’s just… dude, I don’t even know….”

“ Amazing.”

“Yeah. For lack of better words.”

“Ok, so that makes three out of four. Who’s the last one?”

Donghyuck’s smile is softer now, barely there, because that’s when it gets hard for him. That’s the part he fears most, for so many reasons.

“ Lee Jeno.”  It comes out rushed and low, like a dirty secret, but when he glances at Mark, he knows he heard it. “Don’t look at me like that!”

“Sorry. I’m just… wow .”

“Yeah. Sucks.”

“Does he know?”

“He got the letter.” Hyuck takes out his phone and shows Mark the notifications he hasn’t opened. “I don’t have the courage to talk to him. At least not right now.”

Mark’s smile is reassuring, “You don’t have to. I mean, you can’t ignore Jeno and everyone else for the rest of your life, but you don’t have to think about this right now.”

“Easier said than done, Lee.”

“I know. But we’re here now and we’re talking, and even if it’s about that, talking to someone makes it a bit better.”

“It does.” Hyuck smiles at him, his index finger taping Mark’s hand a few times. It’s a shy caress, but it sends the message. “Thank you.”

There’s a smile on Mark’s face and then a giggle, so Hyuck sends him an inquiring look that says what? and Mark can’t hold back any longer, “All your crushes are gay.”

All?, Hyuck can’t help but think, but he laughed instead of saying it.

It was a quarter after 2am when he called Mark, past 3am when he told him about the letters, and almost 4am when Mark took him back home. He remembers it correctly, but he can’t remember what time it was when he started feeling that tingly sensation inside of him.

___

There’s a knock on his door after his alarm goes off around five times and he doesn’t move. He’s too tired for that, part of it is because he stayed up late and part of it is because he’s ashamed. He can’t face those people right now, and he figured out he doesn’t have to, at least not today. Or so early in the morning.

“Hyuck, you’re not going?”

It’s Renjun.

“No.”

“Why?”

“I stayed up late finishing a project.”

Technically , he’s not lying, he did finish a project yesterday. It’s easier than telling Renjun everything or that he had a runaway ride with Mark.

“Okay! See you!”

He goes back to sleep.

___

Taeyong is alone inside the practice room and Donghyuck is thinking it’s now or never; he takes a few deep breaths and tries to calm himself down. Once he’s ready, or think he is, he goes in. Taeyong glances at him and smiles softly like he does everyday, but Donghyuck knows he’s got the letter and is probably trying to not embarrass him. So Donghyuck raises his arms in surrender once he’s close enough to the older boy.

“Before you say anything, that was written when I met you and it was completely platonic, and all I imagined was us dancing to awesome choreographies together.”

Taeyong’s face lights up and he laughs, “Hyuck, it’s okay!”

“Yeah, but I still feel like I need to explain.”

“I get it. But really, it’s okay. We’re good. And I feel flattered.”

That’s what he likes so much in Taeyong; how carefree he is, how it looks like he can fix everything with a shrug and a breathtaking smile. Hyuck knows it’s okay once Taeyong starts going over the steps with him, he knows it’s all left aside and that the older boy won’t give it too much thought. That makes Donghyuck takes a deep breath carried with relief, although he knows it’s still not over, at least Taeyong and Mark didn’t make him feel like a loser.

Jeno keeps blowing his phone with messages and breaking Hyuck’s heart; he knows he shouldn’t ignore Jeno, he should face him and tell him that meant nothing and those thoughts were from years ago, and that he didn't intend to make things awkward or mess their friendship up. He wants to tell Jeno that no , it’s not okay, because he feels like he doesn’t have the right to make Jeno worry or confused but maybe it’s okay if he takes his time to finally face him. Hyuck is confused and as he walks by the campus he can’t help but feel like he’s naked and everyone is staring at him. They aren’t . It’s like he can see Jeno everywhere and then Jaemin and then their faces turning into disgust or deception.

He runs to the nearest bathroom and locks himself inside one of the stalls. Breathe through the nose, exhale through the mouth. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. It’s okay. He finally calms himself down after minutes paying attention to his breathing, his heartbeat slowing down inside of him. A door opens and closes but he doesn’t even move, only closes his eyes tightly.

“Donghyuck?” He knows that voice. “It’s Yeri.” He takes a deep breath, expecting something, anything , but not what happens next. “Get out of there, I want to give it back to you.”

He complies, mostly because Yeri always makes him agree to anything. When he gets out and faces her, there’s a soft smile on her lips and the letter on her hands. She hands it to him.

“Here. It’s too personal for me to keep.” He takes it from here, tiny smile on his lips. “Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.”

There’s a timid smile playing on his lips, “Thanks.”

“But you know I’m into girls, right?”

He smiles, “Yeah. And I like boys, so…”

“Oh! God, I used to think you were really cute, did you know?” He shakes his head, surprised. “You were the first to befriend me back in high school, it meant a lot to me, and I never really had the chance to thank you, so…”

“C’mon…”

She laughs and wraps her arms around his shoulders, bringing him into a hug he welcomes with open arms. Literally. He feels good during it and relieved when they finally break apart.

“Let’s not become strangers again, okay?”

“Okay, Miss Evil Spawn.”

___

He gets home before any of his roommates. Mark had texted him asking if he wanted a ride and Hyuck wanted more than anything to be away from there. So, now he finds himself laying on his bed and staring the ceiling while thinking about the mess he’s in. Jeno won’t stop texting him or trying to call, even from Jaemin’s phone, and he can’t help but wonder if he told the younger about it. If he wasn’t such a coward he would have solved it already like he did with the other three, but he just fears losing Jeno and Jaemin. He doubts he would, but there’s this voice inside his head that goes off telling him the opposite. He doesn’t want to believe in it, but he caves in. Of course he does. So to prevent Jeno from texting, Donghyuck texts him instead, but it’s not to talk.

> hyuck:

stop texting me

> jenjen-o:

i want to talk hyuck

please

> hyuck:

not now jeno

please

> jenjen-o:

i know it’s not like that

but i want to talk to you

don’t shut me out

> hyuck:

just not now okay?

there’s a lot going on

i’ll tell you when i feel better

> jenjen-o:

fine

love you hyuck

“You should talk to him.” That’s all Mark says, but it comes with a nonchalant shrug before he takes a sip of his milkshake. “I did and he’s worried about you.”

“I hate to make people worry about me, especially when it comes to Jeno, but there’s something holding me back from facing him.”

“You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Hyuck.”

Again, it’s something past 2am and they’re at the same place they were four nights ago. While Donghyuck probably looks like a mess with his light brown hair and colorful strands, Mark is composed; his black hair makes him look more mature and just as beautiful, but it reminds Hyuck of dorky and innocent Mark from seventh grade with ‘baby shark teeth’ and glasses. He still wears them, though they’re nice golden specs now, and they make him look smart and just as handsome. He could observe him for days, he feels so at ease talking about his mess of a life, how he’s such a mess himself and how Mark looks so composed but so carefree at the same time, and then Mark tells him how he’s anything but composed, how he’s nervous about his exams, how he doesn’t want to disappoint his family and how nice it is to be back and living with Johnny. The clock is moving forward on the wall but time feels like it stopped long ago when they set foot into the cafe. He feels like that a lot around Mark, ever since day one, and it’s been five nights since they started hanging out around 2am, but it feels like they’ve been doing it for so long that Hyuck can’t help but hope that they will keep doing it for a long time. He likes fooling himself sometimes.

“I’ve been thinking about something a lot.”

“What is it?”

“Lucas asked me if we’re dating.”

“What?!”

Mark shrugs, “I told him we’re… getting to know each other.”

“What? Why?”

Mark stares him for a few seconds thinking about something and Donghyuck waits. Mostly because he’s confused, but part of it because his heart is beating inside his chest without mercy.

“Why don’t we pretend? If you’re dating me it’s just easier. I know they were cool but if we’re together then it really looks like you don’t mean those words anymore.”

“That… doesn’t make much sense.”

“Yeah, well, it’s 3am, of course I don’t make sense anymore.”

“Mark—”

“No, look, you should at least think about it.”

There’s no reason besides making it easier to face Jeno, but that’s also not enough of a reason to keep that up. Maybe Mark has his own reasons, but Donghyuck isn’t sure what they are. Besides, dating Mark would keep a lot of creepy guys away, but that’s just it. There’s no reason for Mark to suggest that, is there? So he asks.

“But why?”

Mark rolls his eyes and sighs, “Johnny told our mom that I’m dating someone, and I’m not, but she believed it. And when I asked Renjun about you, Jaemin asked me if we’re seeing each other and Jeno was all up my business trying to know how you are and telling me to treat you nicely or he’d break my legs and—”

“Okay! I got it, geez.” He’s pretty sure he will agree eventually but he takes his time to make up his mind. “What about Jiwoo?”

Mark laughs, “Yeah, right . As if anyone would buy that.”

Hyuck swallows dryly because if there’s  someone who did buy it, it was him. And he still can't understand.

“I’ll think about it, Mark Lee.”

___

Hyuck is considering the idea of dating Mark. He even made a list of pros and cons, to which he was completely biased and have been staring for the past ten minutes.

pros of dating mark lee:

he’s a nice guy

he smells good

his hugs are great

he’s super cute

his hands are soft and you’ll hold them

he’ll drive you

more middle of the night dates

ACTUAL DATES!!!!

kisses???

spending more time together

jeno/everyone likes him

he treats me nicely

cons of dating mark lee:

no fun / boring af

u have a big fat

SUPER REAL

crush on mark

he doesn’t like affection (o_o)

“What are you doing?”

Jisung appears out of fucking nowhere and Donghyuck hides the paper as fast as he can, not being subtle at all, but the younger walks past him without glancing twice.

“Sorting out my ideas for an assignment.”

Half true, he already started said assignment.

“You’ve been going out in the middle of the night.”

“So?”

Jisung shrugs as he sits down and adds milk to his cereal, taking his time to fully wake up, “Nothing. I just noticed.”

“You shouldn’t be taking care of our lives.”

“Well, we live together and I happen to hear you sneaking out. ‘ Taking care of your life’ would be if I knew that you’re going out with Mark hyung—”

“You little fucker!”

Jisung smiles, “Calm down hyung, your secret is safe with me. I’m glad you’re seeing someone and it makes me even more happy knowing it’s hyung.”

Donghyuck stays quiet and thinks about what Mark said about Jeno telling him to take care of Hyuck and how Lucas thought they were a thing and how everyone just assumed they had something going on.

“You think he’s cool?”

“Mark hyung is awesome ! You’re just made for each other.”

Donghyuck would tell him to shut up but he likes what he’s hearing, maybe too much. There’s a voice inside his head saying it’s too dangerous to indulge himself like that, but he chooses to ignore.

So he smiles and leans forward on the table, “He’s really cute, isn’t he?”

___

“You had to go and tell mom I’m seeing someone, didn’t you?” Mark whines as he throws himself on Johnny’s bed, pouting like a bratty baby. “Now she won’t stop asking questions.”

“You’re always with Donghyuck, sorry if I was wrong in thinking you’re both a thing.”

“You were so wrong, dude.”

“Mark, that’s bullshit. You’re into him.”

“We’re friends!”

“So what? You can like your friends!”

He mumbles something but he can’t even understand it himself; he hates it when Johnny is right.

“I think I just messed things up.”

“How come?”

They’re both laying down and staring at the ceiling, somehow not looking at Johnny makes it easier for him to open up. If they weren’t living together, maybe he wouldn’t tell him the stupid idea he had.

“I asked Donghyuck if we could pretend we’re dating.”

Johnny pinches his sides, “You’re so dumb!”

“I know! And outch! It hurts!”

“It’s supposed to hurt, you dumb fuck!” Johnny sits up, ready to lecture Mark. “Just say you have a thing for him and go!”

“I can’t! I don’t want to mess up, and he’s in a difficult position, so I asked him if he wants to do it.”

“And does he?”

“He said he’ll think about it.”

Johnny sighs and rolls his eyes, laying back down and taking his time; Mark is just happy he’s not being cursed at anymore.

“You know you’re both doomed, right?”

“Jokes on you, cause I’ve been doomed from the start.”

Johnny laughs and motions Mark to lift his head so his arm can go under it, and Mark gladly cuddles Johnny’s side.

“At least mom will be happy.”

“He didn’t say he’ll do it.”

“Oh, but he will.”

It’s almost 3am and they’re at the same cafe and on the same booth from always, and Donghyuck is smiling but it’s filled with anxiety, but Mark is not quite sure why. He had laughed while pointing out Mark’s bed hair, then proceeded to run his hands through ‘to tame the strands’ , and Mark just let him. Donghyuck had mumbled something about being a mess, which is not a surprise and one of the things Mark likes the most about the younger. Hyuck always tells him how much of a mess he is, how his life is all over the place since always, and he just can’t keep up anymore, but that’s not what Mark sees; yes, Donghyuck is mess and always makes dumb choices, but he’s so nonchalant about it all, and it’s not even pretend, it’s just who he is; he’s so unbothered, so put together, so reckless and unapologetically himself; Mark thinks Donghyuck can fix himself in the blink of an eye, and he admires that.

“But anyways, I think it would be a good idea if we did it.”

Mark looks up at him from their piece of cake, a bit dumbstruck, but Donghyuck is softly smiling and he looks like he’s made up his mind and is not changing it.

“Why are you looking at me like that? You changed your mind?”

“No! No! Of course not! It’s just—I didn’t expect you to accept it.”

“Why wouldn’t I? We’re friends and I trust you.”

That makes Mark smile and his heart squeeze, “I’m glad to know that.”

“But I was thinking…”

“About what?”

“We should make a list of things we can and can not do. We need to take it seriously.”

“I agree!” With a smile on his face he opens the notebook Donghyuck brought and the pen, looking expectantly at Hyuck. “Wanna write it?”

“No, you can start it.”

“Okay… So what’s something you want us to do?”

“Watch animes.”

“Great.”

“We should do something every Saturday, but something lazy.”

“Like cuddling and watching movies all day?”

“That’s it.”

“How about… physical stuff ?”

Donghyuck smirks and tilts his head, and Mark already regrets saying that out loud, “If you want to grab my ass you can just tell me.”

He laughs, “Well, I wouldn’t complain— sorry! ”

Donghyuck slaps Mark’s forehead but laughs right after, “I’m okay with skinship, you’re the one who’s not that into it, so it’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“No, I can try a little. We can hold hands and hug, and I—I can give you forehead kisses.” Donghyuck can only stare at him while he talks, a whole blushing mess and soft voice, unable to look Hyuck in the eyes, and it hurts his heart. “And maybe pecks? Every now and then, or not , if you’re not comfortable.”

Hyuck smiles at the thought of doing all those things with Mark, his stomach doing loops.

“I’m okay with that if it’s with you.”

When the night ends they have a whole blank page filled with ink of their likes, dislikes and signatures. They seal the contract with a handshake and giggles, and Mark even lets one arm around Hyuck’s shoulders.

“Practice,” he whispers trying to look unbothered, but the blush on his cheeks give him away.

___

DONGHYUCK AND MARK’S CONTRACT!

• Mark will take Donghyuck to college;

• Watching animes together;

• Lazy Saturdays;

• Middle of the night drives;

• Hugs, forehead kisses and pecks are allowed;

• Donghyuck will go to Mark’s parents’ anniversary in October;

• Mark will make Donghyuck’s picture his wallpaper (so will Hyuck);

• !! no dumb movies or songs !! (ps: no chris brown mark);

• Mark and Donghyuck will go to parties together;

• Under no circumstances Lee Donghyuck and Mark Lee will tell the truth.

___

Donghyuck was staring at the ceiling above him, lying on the floor of his room; he had been thinking about Jeno for the past hour, wondering if he had the guts to text him. He didn’t. And he knew Jeno would rather because he respected Donghyuck’s decision. Deep down he knows that Mark is right, he should just talk him. It was so easy with everyone else and it should be easy with his best friend too. He understood that, but he still feared it.

“What are you doing?”

It’s Renjun, coming into his room unannounced and then lying on the floor with Donghyuck.

“Thinking.”

Renjun scoffs, “That’s a first.”

“How dare you come into my room to offend me?!”

Now the older boy is laughing and turning in his sides to face Donghyuck better, eyes examining Hyuck’s features with curiosity.

“What’s going on between you and Jeno?”

“Nothing. I just made things awkward.”

“You always do that and he never cares.”

Donghyuck stares back at him, “You have a point.”

With a roll of eyes Renjun says, “Of course I do, I’m the smartest bitch in this disfuncional household.”

“Lies.” Donghyuck pinches the boy’s belly. “But anyway, I just lost the courage to face him.”

“Damn, is it that serious? You have no shame at all.”

“It’s that serious, Injunie.”

Renjun sighs and lies back down, mimicking Hyuck’s position—entwined hands resting on his belly.

“Tell hyung about it.”

Hyuck clicks his tongue; he hates when Renjun acts like that, with the only purpose being persuading them into telling him anything and everything. Hyuck hates even more that he always falls for it.

“You remember when I had a tiny crush on Jeno?”

Renjun chuckles airily, “Sure do. It was so long ago, though.”

“Exactly. So… I wrote a letter and kept it for years. But it somehow got sent to him.”

“ Outch .”

“Exactly.”

Renjun remains silent for a few minutes. Donghyuck isn’t sure if he prefers it like that or the older talking non-stop, telling him what he needs to do or how stupid he can be sometimes. But he doesn’t do any of that, he remains silent, thinking or whatever it is he’s doing, and Hyuck hates that.

“Say something.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Tell me I’m stupid.”

“I don’t think that… right now.”

Hyuck hits him on the rib, Renjun giggles and holds his hand.

“Tell me I screwed up.”

“I won’t. You didn’t.” Hyuck stares at him, almost pleading, and Renjun smiles softly, kind. “So what? I’m sure Jeno doesn’t mind, he knows it’s not like that. You’d know that if you actually talked to him.”

He sighs, “I will.”

“Good.”

x x x

Donghyuck loves parties. He still remember the first one he ever attended and the last one from High School, held by Jaehyun during the weekend his parents were away. Now, they’re at Changkyun’s house at a kickback party. Mark went to their apartment and literally dragged Renjun out of his room, meeting an excited Jisung and a bored Donghyuck—he won’t admit it was because Mark didn’t even noticed his bomb outfit and how handsome he looked. The boy blushing while staring at him when they were finally alone broke the ice, but that’s another thing he won’t admit out loud.

Jisung and Renjun go ahead, leaving Mark and Donghyuck behind, the older‘s hand entwined with his while he’s a few steps ahead, leading Donghyuck calmly.

“You can drop out of the plan if you feel like it.”

Donghyuck halts his movements and so does Mark, and the younger needs to turn Mark around so he’ll face him. He looks so cute, standing at the house’s porch looking all timid. Hyuck smiles softly.

“Why would I?”

Mark shrugs, “You’re going to talk to Jeno and—”

“And hopefully I won’t make things even more awkward with my best friend.”

“Yeah, but we’ll be lying to them.”

Mark is right, of course he is, but Hyuck can’t find it in him the strength or the will to stop the plan.

“What about your parents?”

“They’ll live.”

He crosses his arms, “Do you want us to stop this?”

“Technically, we can’t stop what hasn’t even started—” Hyuck hits his shoulders, causing a giggle to scape Mark’s mouth. “I just want you to know that we don’t need to do this if you’re not comfortable.”

He wants to say something amongst the line of I’m doing this because I’m into you but all he says is, “I am. Now let’s go.”

Mark’s arms go around Hyuck’s shoulders and Hyuck’s around the older’s waist, and he feels like a nervous wreck, which only intensifies once he spots their friends and they’re looking at them with knowing smirks, even Jeno. Just the sight of the boy makes Hyuck shudder, almost ashamed of his behavior the last week. Sensing how tense he is, Mark leaves a quick kiss above his ear, which doesn’t help at all since his stomach flutters.

“Look who’s here!” Jaemin screams over the loud music, his arms raised high and a huge smile on his face, filled with glee. “It’s my Hyuckie!”

He stumbled behind when the other hugs him tight, rocking their bodies side to side, “And Mark hyung?! Congrats, hot stuff!”

Donghyuck laughs, “Who knew, right?!”

Jeno is standing besides them once they break the hug and Hyuck smiles shyly at him, and once Jaemin goes to sit back on the sofa, Jeno says, “It’s good to see you.”

“Same.” He Let’s Jeno hug him, taking a deep breath. He doesn’t want to talk about it in a party, but he also wants to let him know he’s ready to face him. “I’m sorry I made things awkward.”

He fears Jeno might not have listened since the music is loud, but then the boy is shaking his head, still hugging him tight, and that’s all Hyuck needed. “You’re really dumb!”

He laughs, really laughs, and then agrees because that’s probably the truest words that have ever left Jeno’s mouth, and because that’s how Jeno lets him know that he really meant it when he said it was okay.

“You’re gonna get drunk!”

Mark whispers against his ear. They’ve been at the party for around two hours now and Hyuck is tipsy enough to sit on Mark’s lap, the older boy being the image of chill and everything Donghyuck is not. All he wants is to kiss those lips, but he won’t, because right now it could be interpreted as pretend, and that’s not what it is. So he smiles at him, tilting his head and pouting.

“You see, as my boyfriend you’re supposed to take care of me.”

Mark smirks and raises his eyebrows, a hand caressing Hyuck’s knee, “I’m your boyfriend then?”

“Shut up.”

Hyuck looks away to hide how flustered he is and pushes his cup almost on Jeno’s face, asking for him to fill it. Once he does, Hyuck turns around again to face Mark while he drinks half of the burning liquid, then offers it to the older boy. He can only watches as Mark downs it all with his eyes closed, his own eyes glued to the older’s neck observing the way he gulps.

In the back of his mind he’s constantly wondering why he is doing this to himself.

He splashes some water on his face, trying to sober up so he won’t do anything stupid. Mark had forced him to eat a hotdog and drink water, then proceeded to look for some chocolate, and that’s how Hyuck ended up in the bathroom, waiting for the dork. (Mark said it was safer if he was inside of there instead of wandering around.)

The door opens and he thinks it’s him, but when he looks up it’s actually—“Jeno, hey.”

The boy gives him a cute smile and rests against the sink, crossing his arms. “Donghyuck, you are one dumb fucker.”

“Wow, thank you!”

Jeno rolls his eyes, “Why did you ignore me?! You shouldn’t have.”

He sighs, looking at the floor, the walls, the ceiling and then at Jeno, “We share the same bed a lot, we showered together many times, sometimes I give you random pecks as a hello or goodbye, you’ve been my best friends for years. I didn’t want you to think I still had those feelings because I was sure our friendship wasn’t going to be the same.”

Jeno nods, taking his time to talk, which Hyuck is thankful for this time. He’s a talkative person, you see; he talks because he enjoys, because he likes making friends and being sociable, but sometimes he talks because he’s anxious, because he doesn’t know other way to hide his hysteria, because he’s afraid of what certain silent moments might mean.

“You’re my best friend.”

That’s all Jeno says, because that’s what’s important.

“I am.”

“You understand that, don’t you?” Donghyuck nods, yet he can’t bring himself from looking at Jeno’s eyes. That is, until the boy holds the side of his arms in order to get his attention. “Hyuck, I don’t want you to hide from me anymore. We always talked to each other, so it shouldn’t be different now. You hear me?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Because I hope you know how stupid it was! I would never hold that against you or anyone, especially not against you!”

“I know. I’m sorry, okay? It was stupid, but I was so scared Jeno—”

“It’s okay.” Jeno finally lets go of him, a soft smile on his lips. “I understand your feelings in the letter, it was friendly. And even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be mad or disgusted or anything like that.”

Donghyuck lets out the breath he was holding, smiling up at Jeno, “Sorry I’m a dumbass.”

His best friends laughs and hits his shoulder, “Sorry I’m a dumbass too.”

“Hey, maybe that’s why we’re friends!”

“ Markieeee!” Donghyuck throws himself all over Mark, side-hugging him. “I talked to Jeno!”

“And had more drinks, I see!” Despite Mark’s tone, he’s smiling and holding the younger closer, bringing them chest to chest. His hand goes up so he can caress his cheek. “Are you okay?”

Donghyuck nods, “Can we leave?”

Hyuck is half aware of people staring at them with curiosity, but he can’t find it in him to care. His attention is centered on Mark and only him, because who is he kidding? Donghyuck is already whipped.

“Yeah.” Mark fiddles with the hair falling over Hyuck’s eyes. “Let’s go.”

x x x

So… turns out Mark is a great boyfriend.

He always picks Hyuck up, waits for him in the dance studio, takes him out to eat, buys him random stuff because it reminds me of you and takes him out in the middle of the night. All their friends seem to support them, really believing that they’re a real couple—Hyuck thinks that it does looks like they are, especially since it’s not pretending from his side. And maybe not from Mark’s either. He’s not sure.

Three weeks passed too fast and Hyuck was already too used to having Mark with him. If he thinks about it, then nothing really changed; they were always together after that day Mark took care of his drunk self, and the only difference now is that Mark gives him kisses. Not on the mouth, of course . But they’re still great kisses.

Donghyuck always thought he wouldn’t be the type of person who gets too attached and wants to be together all the time, but there he is, actually enjoying seeing someone’s face everyday.

“What movie are we going to watch today?”

“Uh… an horror movie.” Jisung throws himself on the mattress laid out on the floor between the couches, “A good one though.”

“So, I have Ghost Stories, It, Martyr—the good one, and by that I mean the French version, of course—, and Hush.”

Mark sits besides him, Hyuck’s legs going up on the couch so he can be all over Mark, whose arm goes around his shoulders.

“ Ghost Stories!” Jaemin points at Jisung and then the tv. “Not in the mood for a gore movie or a serial killer one, we’re going back home walking.”

Jeno smiles at his boyfriend and kisses his temple, “Nana, we’re sleeping here tonight.”

Renjun snorts, laying all by himself at the other couch, “Says who?!”

Jaemin throws a cushion at him, “I will murder you.”

“Wow, kinky ! Good luck with that one Jeno.”

Jeno chokes and Jaemin shrugs as he hits his boyfriend’s back, “If I’m the one doing it then—”

“Jaemin for fuck’s sake!”

“Okay. Alright.”

x x x

Hyuck is going through it.

Mark had invited him to hang out with his friends, they were going to play basketball and drink some beers, it would be nice and all that. It was indeed nice. Hyuck was having fun, Mark’s friends were all nice, Johnny would give him funny looks whenever he drooled too much over his younger brother and he had free food, free beer and a nice view—Mark Lee playing basketball on a tank top, drenched in sweat. Life was treating him good .

But , and of course there would be a ‘but’ , he didn’t expect Jeno, Lucas and Taeyong to show up too. He was pretty dumb since they’re both friends with Mark and really enjoy basketball. Apparently Jaemin would come too, but later, and Jungwoo wasn’t here yet either, so he was left to suffer by himself. Honestly, not even Mark in all his sweaty glory was able to make him calm down. Okay , that’s half a lie, since that view was something made out of scratch by really inspired goddesses and no one in their right mind would ignore it.

Anyone but Jiwoo.

The cute girl is sitting besides Hyuck reading a book, a soft smile on her lips. They had made some small talk, she made Mark get all flustered telling them how cute they are and then proceeded to keep irritating the older boy, to which Hyuck was silently taking notes so he could use different ways of pissing him off. But then it’s like she traveled to a whole other dimension, unaware of all the hot boys shirtless around her.

“You’re staring.”

He turns his gaze away, embarrassed. “Sorry.”

She chuckles, “It’s okay.”

When he looks back at her, Jiwoo is still reading the damn book, and Hyuck’s curiosity is eating him inside, especially now that she broke the ice.

“Can I ask you something?”

Finally, she looks up, eyebrows raised. “Sure.”

“You’re surrounded by hot guys but you’re reading a book. Why aren’t you enjoying the view?”

She smiles as she closes the book, her attention now completely in Donghyuck.

“Do you want me to stare at Mark?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But it was implicit.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Well, Mark is part of everyone.”

Frustrated, he can only let groan. He was having fun when Mark was the one being pestered but now he’s the victim and it feels agonizing.

“Fuck. You’re annoying!”

Jiwoo laughs and tilts her head, staring at him with a sweet smile, “I’m just messing with you.” She turns her attention to the boys going all out in the court and sighs. “Let’s just say I was supposed to be somewhere with someone but turns out the person blew me off, so I crashed Mark’s basketball game.”

Hyuck wasn’t expecting her to actually be honest with him, so he appreciates it. It seems like he’s always the one talking to people about his mess of a life, so it’s refreshing to be the listener.

“That sucks.” She nods. “But it could be worse. If Mark wasn’t playing basketball then you would be bored at home.”

“Nah, I’d be bored in Mark’s apartment.”

Hyuck smiles, “Is that what you do when you’re bored?!”

“Yeah, I go to their apartment and we watch movies or take naps. Random things, really. It’s nice, you should join our boredom sometime.”

“You bet I will.”

Jiwoo is cool, Donghyuck decides. She’s funny, her quick remarks are great, she loves dancing and singing just like him and she’s got a lot of funny stories about Mark. He’s still curious about her friendship with Mark, but he decides that it doesn’t matter and his curiosity can wait.

x x x

“Where’s Jaemin?”

Hyuck throws himself on the couch of Jeno’s apartment. His best friend had invited him over so they could play video games and catch up, since Exams Week had sucked the life out of them.

“Probably on his way to your house.” Jeno sits besides him. “He forced Renjun to go watch a movie with him. I’m too dead to get out of home, but if you stick around till later they’re bringing pizza.”

“Cool!”

Once they start playing it’s like time stopped—they’re both very competitive, especially against each other, so it’s always thrilling whenever they’re playing together. That’s what Hyuck missed the most while not talking to Jeno, so he promised himself he’ll make up for lost time every chance he gets.

“I WIN!” Hyuck throws a cushion against Jeno, proceeding to hit him with it as a ‘victory celebration’. “You suck, Lee Jeno!”

Jeno can only laugh, allowing Hyuck to have his moment. Once he’s done, Jeno pinches his ear. “I’m your hyung!”

“So what, baby face?”

“Talk about respect…” Jeno mumbles and Hyuck snorts, watching the older get up and head to the kitchen, a minute later coming back with two bottles of soju. “Cheers.”

Hyuck raises his eyebrows, “So that’s how it’s gonna be!”

“Kid, c’mon, I don’t play around.”

Jeno takes a few gulps before talking again, “So.”

Hyuck smiles, “So what?”

His best friend rolls his eyes, nudging him with his elbow, “How are things with Mark?”

Hyuck gulps more of his beer, a soft smile playing on his lips—the one that appears against his will every damn time someone asks him about the older, “Things are good. Better than I expected.”

“I like that you’re both dating.”

“Really?” Jeno nods cutely. “Looks like everyone agrees with you.”

“Of course! I saw it coming.”

“How?”

Jeno shrugs, “Everyone did. From the moment you started talking, we knew something would happen.”

Donghyuck sighs. “Wow.”

Jeno sounds so sure of what he’s saying, everyone does when it comes to them. And it’s only been almost a month, three weeks to be more exact, but everyone’s buying it and everyone’s being so genuinely supportive that it makes Donghyuck’s heart break. And it heals itself for the same reason it broke—although the pretending is already consuming him inside, it’s also making him happy, because he’s with Mark. If it wasn’t with him, then maybe he wouldn’t have agreed doing it, he wouldn’t look for any excuse to play pretend, wouldn’t even hear it.

“You okay?”

Hyuck looks at Jeno, a bit confused. He smiles shyly, scratching his head. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”

Jeno smirks, “About Mark?”

“Yeah. But not like that.”

“Then how?”

He takes a deep breath as he thinks about the words he’s going to say. He needs to be careful so he won’t say too much and out them.

“I’ve never been with anyone like that.”

“You’re scared?” Hyuck nods timidly. “You shouldn’t be.”

“Easier said than done.”

Jeno laughs, finishing his drink before saying, “True. I remember when Jaemin and I first started going to dates, I was always terrified. I can’t say how many times I made a fool of myself.”

Donghyuck is always endeared whenever Jaemin and Jeno talk about each other, because they’re the relationship Donghyuck has been looking up to—along with Jungwoo and Lucas.

“How did you know you were into him? Like… really into him?”

“You mean in love ?” Hyuck winces at the word. It’s too soon to think of that, but he feels like that’s how it’s going to end; he will fall madly in love with Mark Lee. The worst part (or the best one) is that he wouldn’t care at all if he did. “I don’t know. There’s this thin line between friendship and being in love, and one day we just… crossed it.”

“But how am I supposed to know I did?”

Jeno sighs and smiles out of endearment, an arm going around Hyuck’s shoulders and bringing him close. He’s happy that he found someone, even more happy that the person is Mark, someone just as amazing as Donghycuk. But he won’t tell him that yet, so all he says is, “You just do.”

___

Mark had promised Jiwoo to accompany her in Hongdae, but by now he was carrying more than half of her bags and she looked like she wasn’t stopping anytime soon. Trying not to burden his best friend, he plays along and helps her pick bomb outfits in every store possible.

“You should buy yourself something nice.”

Mark looks around the store, “This section is not my type.”

Jiwoo rolls her eyes, grabbing his wrist and taking him towards the Male Section, “Is this one your style?” He nods, smiling bashfully. “While you find something for yourself I’ll go look for a t-shirt extra large.”

Mark’s not too much into buying clothes, he’s too lazy to go out looking for it, so whenever he does he tends to buy over five shirts because it always takes months for him to come back. But he figures it’s a good time to start buying them since he donated a lot of clothes he wasn’t using, but all he can see is shirts that would look great in Donghyuck.

“Do you think Hyuck would like this?” He points to a yellow sweatshirt. “I think it would look great on his skin.”

Jiwoo turns around, nodding excitedly. “I think he would look great!”

With a proud smile Mark takes hold of the shirt, throwing it into their cart. He then buys himself a white shirt, since Hyuck got his and never gave it back. He thinks it’s fun trying out clothes with Jiwoo and makes a mental note to do it again, maybe bringing Hyuck would be fun too—although he’s sure the boy would probably look a lot like a puppy out into the world for the first time, running around non-stop excitedly. He smiles endeared just thinking about it.

“So how’s your mom?”

They’re sitting inside an Ice Cream Shop, their battle already conquered and no more walking around from store to store, too many bags surrounding them.

Mark shrugs, “Johnny told her that Donghyuck and I aren’t actually dating , but that he’ll come with us.”

“Babe, I’m sorry to tell you that, but you’re one step from dating.”

Mark shakes his head, almost forgetting that Jiwoo doesn’t know the truth, “Isn’t it too soon though?”

“There’s no such thing as time!” She chuckles, stopping on tracks to think before speaking again. “I mean, the right time shouldn’t be a thing when it comes to being with someone you like.”

Huh . Mark can’t do anything but keep eating his ice cream as if his life depended on it. His feelings are confusing and everything is happening too fast and it’s like he can’t keep up with it, so he just tries to let it happen, but that’s not the best option either. It’s confusing.

“What about Sooyoung?”

He feels bad for turning the tables, but he just can’t think about anything right now. And Jiwoo has been so quiet about the older girl and that’s unsettling.

She shrugs, picking on her pistache ice cream, “She’s fine.”

He raises his eyebrows and tilts his head, there’s a lot she’s not saying out loud, but he wonders if he should ask her about it or now. Jiwoo talks a lot, but not always; sometimes she keeps it to herself, and when it comes to Mark, she keeps it to herself until she’s ready to talk about it. So he waits. He always does, because she always opens up, sooner or later.

“So… want me to drop you at home before heading to Jeno’s apartment?”

Donghyuck is passed out on the couch apartment when Mark arrives, all their friends already there but being completely ignored by the colorful messy haired guy. Mark smiles to himself, walking towards the couch and trying to be as careful as possible while laying on top of Donghyuck, his nose and mouth touching the skin of his shoulder and neck. He leaves a soft kiss there.

“ Mmhm .” Hyuck nestles closer, not minding when the weight of Mark’s body settles on him. “Who are you and what did you do to Markie?”

He giggles, “What do you mean?”

Hyuck’s arms wrap around his waist, “ My Markie is not into hugging. Especially when there are people around.”

Hyuck’s voice is slurred and deeper and Mark likes it. It’s true, Mark is usually not into skinship, despite all his friends being very touchy, but he doesn’t really mind when it comes from Donghyuck. At first he felt uncomfortable but allowed the younger to keep doing it and Donghyuck knew him enough to stop after a few minutes. Maybe that’s why Mark grew used to it after the almost four months—Hyuck gradually indulged him into needing his touches, his attention and his warmth. Now, Mark thinks that a day without at least one hug from Donghyuck isn’t a day worth living.

“Shut up and enjoy the moment.”

He knows there’s a smile on the boy’s lips and he holds himself back from kissing it off. Although they’re alone in the living room and the boys are too immersed in whatever they’re doing at the kitchen, it still feels like kissing him right now wouldn’t be taken as a sincere action, and Mark doesn’t want that.

“I sure will.”

He turns Mark around on the sofa so his back is facing the couch’s back, and they keep snuggling. Hyuck’s smells like strawberries and peaches and Mark dwells on that. It’s inebriating.

“I bought you something.”

“Really?!”

“Yeah.” Mark smiles lazily. “Jiwoo made me buy some clothes, I thought you’d look pretty in the ones I got.”

There’s a slight chance that Hyuck is blushing.

“You’re saying I don’t look pretty with my regular clothes?”

“No—” Mark rolls his eyes, noticing he almost fell for Hyuck’s pestering. “You always look pretty, Hyuck.”

Now he’s the one blushing and of course Donghyuck makes it worse by giggling cutely and leaving a kiss on his cheek.

“Ah, hyung… have mercy on my poor heart.”

That day, and that very moment, was strike two.

x x x

“Yes mom, we’ll be there.” Mark is passing back and forth around his room while Donghyuck is thrown on his bed, mindlessly reading a book and ignoring everything around him. “And yes, he’s going too.”

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that! When Johnny told me about it I couldn’t believe it, but now hearing it from you… I’m so happy!”

“Yeah. Yeah. It’s true, I’ll take him.” Mark rolls his eyes out of endearment as his mother cheers for the nth time during that call. “Tell dad beforehand to not be embarrassing.”

“Tsk, watch your mouth! But I will, we wouldn’t want that, would we?”

Mark lays on the bed, facing the ceiling as his mother keeps talking. He takes a deep breath and keeps listening to it, thinking about how much he misses her. When he closes his eyes, it’s almost as if she was there with him.

“I know you’re too busy so I’ll let you enjoy your day off, we talked for so long already.”

“Oh, I don’t mind. I miss you.”

She chuckles, “I miss you too, darling. But go enjoy what’s left of your Saturday, we'll talk tomorrow. Bye! I love you!”

“Love you too, bye!”

He turns off his phone and goes back to staring the ceiling; it’s nice and quiet, Donghyuck quietly reading and Mark drifting off to sleep, because it’s a lazy Saturday and he can take as many naps as he wants. He looks at Donghyuck, so beautiful and concentrated, and he doesn’t have the courage to disturb him. Mark sighs— I hope October will come and we’ll no longer need to pretend .

“How many times have you been in love?”

The question comes out of nowhere around 3am in the morning while they’re at their usual 24 hours dinner. Mark almost chokes on his piece of pizza, not expecting it at all. As he looks up, Donghyuck is looking at him with eyes filled of curiosity. Mark feels pressured to have a good answer, but he doesn’t.

“I think I’ve never been truly in love.”

“What do you mean by truly?”

He takes a sip of his coke, really trying to think about all the times he was involved with someone, “It just doesn’t feel like it. I was always too quick to get over it, most of the times there wasn’t even something to get over from. I just never had the chance to.”

Hyuck hums, taking bites from his piece of pizza. It’s quiet for a while but it’s comfortable, Mark likes the silence they share together during moments like this.

“Are you scared of falling in love?”

He’s got no idea what’s going on with Hyuck’s obsession about falling in love, but he doesn’t mind being questioned. They always talk about subjects involving feelings and life, it’s how they get to know each other more and more.

“Sometimes.”

“Why?”

Mark stares at him with intensity, watching as the boy’s cheeks become a pretty shade of pink against tanned skin.

“Can you imagine falling in love and giving yourself with such intensity and so fully to someone else and then they just… walk away?”

“What if they don’t?”

“What if they do?”

Hyuck rolls his eyes, free hand going through his hair. He seems frustrated, trying to look for the right words but giving up. So he sighs, looking at Mark with a soft smile on his lips, the one that says what can I do with you? and starts laughing. Mark is mesmerized.

“You’re fascinating, did you know that?”

Mark shakes his head, a dumbfounded smile appearing on his lips, “You’re just crazy enough to think that.”

“Nah, I’m just smarter than everyone else.”

Now he laughs, “True.”

___

It’s a Wednesday and they’re at a party. Mark didn’t feel like going but Donghyuck was just too excited and telling him no would result on a cold shoulder—and Mark wasn’t going to risk it. So the cave in after many pouts and whining, and there they were. At Yugyeom’s house, looking for their friends.

“Can’t say he doesn’t know how to throw a party!”

Hyuck laughs, coming closer to Mark’s ear, “He’s friends with Jackson Wang! Of course he knows!”

Jackson Wang throws the best parties on campus. He’s even part of the college’s committee so he can organize the parties thrown by the campus. But the ones he throws at his house are the most epic ones, he’s the guy with the fun. Mark went to some of them during freshman year but he could never keep up with Lucas, Johnny and all his hyungs. He can barely keep up with Donghyuck now either.

After they finally find their friends and settle by the pool, next to the drinks, which is great because Mark won’t have to get up and walk around hunting for beer. Donghyuck is sitting by his side, too close to him, a hand resting on Mark’s knee and drinking carelessly. He looks really beautiful with his sparkly eyeshadow and tinted plump lips. They’re really inviting. Mark can’t help but wonder how it would feel like to have them against his own lips. Shaking his head and downing his drink all at once, he forces his eyes to stare at the pool and anywhere else that’s not the boy.

He’s been overthinking too much lately. It’s been two months since they started it; weeks that went like a blur and feelings blooming too fast. Yeah, feelings . So confusing and so overwhelming. He looks back at Hyuck, the image of easiness and contentment, a drink in hand and smile on his face. Glimmering eyes. So full of life and so much love to give. Mark feels overwhelmed all over again, his feelings hitting him like a fucking wrecking ball. He downs the fifth cup of beer.

By the eighth cup Donghyuck is clinging to him, side hugging Mark with his head on the boy’s shoulder. The older boy tries to indulge himself by talking with his friends and it works for a while, but then he remembers feeling of Hyuck’s hand on his knee, caressing it every now and then, and it makes his cheeks go pink. He blames it on the drinks. Jeno and Jaemin are gone, probably found a room to make out and forgot about their friends. Mark envies them.

“Hyungie?”

He turns around to face Donghyuck. “Yeah?”

“You’re okay?”

“I am.” Mark smiles softly, eyes drifting down and going back up. “I think I drank too much.”

Donghyuck giggles and then he’s up, hands reaching for Mark’s and pulling him up like it’s nothing, “Come with me, let’s get you sobered up.”

Donghyuck takes them to the second floor of the house saying that the bathroom there must be empty. He’s right. They get in and he locks the door, sitting by the bathtub as he watches Mark splash some water on his face. He’s tipsy and so is Donghyuck, nothing good can come out of it, but he’s been driving himself crazy all night thinking about pretty lips, shiny eyes and soft touches.

Since Mark is taking so long, Hyuck gets up and stands by the sink, watching as Mark’s head is hanging low. The muscles on his arms are practically begging to be touched by the younger and he can’t help himself—he touches the boy’s arm, fingertips going up and down, and he’s taken aback but fascinated when he notices the goosebumps.

Mark’s breath gets stuck on his throat, his eyes leaving the sink and head turning to look at the beautiful boy. It’s quiet, the music from downstairs echoing around them.

Mark is drunk and Donghyuck is beautiful and the way he looks at him makes his stomach flutter. He’s drunk and that’s why he gathers the courage to delicately push Donghyuck against the wall behind the boy, a hand meeting his cheek and the other one his neck, playing with the hair on his nape. They’re so close, breath mixing together and the tip of their noses touching. Mark nuzzles them, making Donghyuck giggle. He deposits a kiss on the boy’s forehead while taking his time, noticing how Hyuck’s breath hitches and eyes close tightly. He leaves a kiss on his right eye, on the slope of his cute nose and then on the side of his mouth. He sighs. It’s so soft.

Hyuck goes after Mark’s lips, of course he does, and nuzzles it against his, there’s a soft smile on his pretty lips when he moves his face so he can take a look at Mark, but then he’s coming closer and closer and closer again and—he licks Mark’s lips from the bottom to the upper lip. They giggle. And suddenly Mark is leaving lazy pecks against those pretty lips, tasting vodka and that strawberry mix the younger drank earlier. Mark is addicted.

That was strike three.

x x x

When Mark woke up the next day, Donghyuck was laying down beside him. He had flashes of memories from the party; he remembered the drinks, the bathroom, the cab… maybe Donghyuck tripping on the steps and Mark shushing him once they finally got inside because Johnny was fast asleep and how they couldn’t stop giggling. He smiles to himself as he watches the boy sleeping peacefully, looking so angelic Mark thinks he might be a vision. He’s sure he isn’t once the fingertip of his finger meets the slope of Hyuck’s nose and then slides down until it reaches his lips—he pokes it slightly. All the younger does is sigh and stir around a bit, thankfully not waking up.

Right before standing up, a thought crosses his mind— Donghyuck is a fucking beautiful mess.

x x x

“Wow, there he is!”

Jisung’s head perks up when he hears the door opening and Renjun celebrates cheerfully.

“How was sleeping with your boyfriend hyung?”

Donghyuck, who was taking his shoes off, picks one up from the ground and throws at Jisung. Hitting the boy’s arm without breaking a sweat.

“How about you fuck off?!”

Jisung can only giggle and watch Donghyuck trying to hide how flustered he is, looking for something on the cabinets while scratching his nape non-stop. He’s becoming so much like hyung , he thinks to himself.

“So…” he waits for Donghyuck to settle down on the table and for Renjun to join, acting as if he wasn’t curious at all. Jisung wiggles his eyebrows. “Did you guys…. do the do?”

Hyuck chokes on his cereal, “What?!”

Renjun and Jisung shrug, looking unimpressed, “We saw you two leaving the party without even saying goodbye!” Renjun points out the obvious. “And you weren’t home either, Jisungie and I checked.”

Donghyuck’s mouth hangs open in shock, “You two are monitoring me now?! I’m outraged!”

“Oh shut up.” Renjuns rolls his eyes and stands up, but not before slapping Hyuck’s forehead. “Just spill it! Give us the deets! We deserve to know since we’re the biggest supporters of MarkHyuck!”

“Mark….Hyuck?”

“Mark’s name combined with yours?” Jisung deadpans. “Jesus. You’re not into fandom life?”

“Jisung I have a life.”

Renjuns shakes his head and looks down on the younger, “He’s into anime fandom life.”

“Hey!”

“Just. Tell. Us.”

He crosses and his arms and pouts, refusing to believe he befriended two assholes. As if he wasn’t enough of one already, now the two of them as well? Outrageous .

“Fine.” Of course he gives in, he can’t hold himself for too long, he needs to share it with his friends before he goes crazy or explodes. “So… we kissed.” Their eyes go wild. “A few times. Yesterday. Many times. ”

They all stare at each other for a few seconds in complete silence before erupting in a series of giggles.

“But before you ask! We didn’t do anything! And there wasn’t even tongue in the kisses. We’re taking it slow.”

Too slow.

“But it doesn’t matter!” Renjun holds his own face with both hands. “Ah, I feel like a proud mother.”

x x x

The second time Hyuck sleeps over it’s around 4am after one of their middle of the night hang outs.

“ So. ” Hyuck turns his head and wiggles his eyebrows looking at Mark, the older’s arm around this shoulder. “You can go to your favorite artist’s concert and meet them backstage but you’ll die the next day.”

“Mmm. I wouldn’t.”

“Why?”

“I’m okay with not meeting them or even paying for a meet and greet or a fansign.”

Hyuck rolls his eyes and scoffs, “You’re such a boring person Mark.”

“What?! Sorry if I appreciate my life! Would you take it?”

“Yes!” He looks at Mark as if it’s just that obvious of an answer. “I’d even ask if I couldn’t die right after, I mean, why wait a whole day?”

Mark laughs, not believing whatever he just heard.

Once they reach the car, the older boy opens the door for Hyuck, who tries his best to hide from Mark the blushing mess he becomes.

“What song you want to listen?”

“Anything by Lorde. Surprise me, Canadian boy.”

Mark cringes at the nickname but still goes through the music app searching for a song he’s pretty sure Hyuck likes, because Mark knows him enough by now.

The Louvre starts playing.

He thrives off the smile that appears on the younger’s lips.

“But darling you’re the one to blame, all that you’re doing, can’t you hear the violence?”

Hyuck is just singing along to the lyrics but they still hit too close to home. Mark is sure he knows what the boy means, if he means something—he hopes he does. Because if so, he feels the same.

But what about love? / Nothing wrong with it / Supernatural / Just move in close to me / Closer, you’ll feel it coasting

They’re at a red light and Mark is feeling like he just can’t take Hyuck home tonight. It’s been happening since that kiss two weeks ago, he simply can’t stop hoping for a simple touch, anything he can get. And Hyuck always delivers, of course he does, even more than what Mark silently asks for; he holds his hand, he whisper words close to his ear, he leaves random kisses on his face, his hands, his shoulders, his nape; he lets his hands go through the older’s hair, making a mess out of it because he says Mark looks the best like that, like him. A mess. But Hyuck is a beautiful one and Mark is just all over the place, too flustered and with words stuck on his throat because he wants to say it but it’s too soon and just not right yet.

“Hyuck.” The boy hums in response. “Sleep at mine’s today.”

Mark’s heart is beating faster than ever inside his chest, the sound echoing through his ears and taking over his senses. He looks over at Donghyuck after he stops the car so the boy can make up his mind, it’s silent for s few seconds and he welcomes it, trying to calm himself down.

All the effort goes to waist when Hyuck says, with a soft smile on his face and eyes shining bright, “Yes.”

Mark should have seen it coming from that moment—between the road to Hyuck’s apartment and his, how the younger chose his, that’s when it changed. It was like those unspoken truths, there’s no need for you to say it out loud, yet everyone knows. They know. And Mark’s heart is beating loudly inside his chest and his hands are trembling, while Donghyuck looks like the painting of carefreeness . But what Mark doesn’t know is that he’s so nervous he’s forcing himself to control his breathing. To calm down. Butterflies are all over Donghyuck’s stomach and he doesn’t know what to do with it so he settles for opening the window and forcing himself to breathe.

God, they’re fools.

When they get there and Mark holds his hands tightly, Hyuck can’t help but close his eyes and imagine that what they have is real. As in real real. Somehow he feels like it is, but they’re both too cowards to say it out loud, and perhaps is too soon. But is it?

Mark leads them inside the house, motioning Hyuck to stay quiet, but they’re both too childish and can’t help but giggle for no reason and Mark pushes him closer to him and Hyuck is oh so pleased . It feels intimate when Mark closes the door behind him and looks for something the younger can wear. It’s intimate when he turns around to give him privacy to get undressed and put on Mark’s shirt. It’s intimate when he looks at his reflection in the mirror dressed in Mark’s sweats and Mark’s t-shirt in Mark’s room with Mark staring at him with that luring gaze and Hyuck is oh so gone . It’s even more intimate when the older reaches out for his hand and takes it to his lips, proceeding to lead him towards his bed. Mark lays down and gives space for Hyuck and when he’s fidgeting to find a comfortable position and Mark is the one to initiate contact, bringing him closer so he can lay his head on his chest, that’s when Donghyuck allows himself to take a deep breath and quietly admit that not maybe but for sure he’s fallen for Mark Lee from seventh grade.

x x x

Sleeping over becomes the new normal. If they’re not at Mark’s, they’re at Hyuck’s—although the younger would rather sleep over at Mark’s where there’s no annoying roommates meddling into their lives. The middle of the night rides keeps them warm in the nice weather, bringing them closer and closer to each other, to a point where Hyuck is sure they know everything there is to know about one another—from childhood fears to darkest secrets.

“My favorite color used to be blue.” Hyuck whispers one night when they’re cuddling. It’s not even 1am and they decided that staying in would be better than going to the cafe. “I was scared of the dark until I was around 10.”

“I lived in Canada until I was 7 years old, then moved to New York.”

“Which one you like the most?”

“Canada.” Mark answers in a heartbeat, fingers threading through Hyuck’s hair. “My parents always loved it there too.”

“And they lived in Chicago before you were born.” Mark hums. “And your favorite color was red. Like my shirt.”

“That’s my shirt.”

Hyuck shrugs, looking up and finding the older smiling teasingly at him. “Does it matter?” Mark kisses the tip of Hyuck’s nose and then pokes it with his index finger.

“No. I like it when you wear my shirts.”

“I can tell.” Hyuck’s hand finds its way under Mark’s shirt, just to touch and caress. He enjoys the way the older closes his eyes and sighs in contentment, pleased like a cat. “I like wearing them.”

Mark smirks, pinching Hyuck’s cheek and leaving a peck on his lips, “I can tell.”

x x x

“When are you guys leaving?”

Renjun is helping Hyuck get his shit together. By that he means they’re packing whatever he wants to take to Canada to meet Mark’s parents. Just thinking about it makes him want to throw up. That’s crazy. How can Donghyuck go to their house and introduce himself as Mark’s boyfriend? Why in the world is the older boy letting him do that? And why is he packing his bags without any regret?

“Uh. In two days. We’ll stay for ten days.”

“Wow. How are you feeling?”

“Terrified.”

Renjun chuckles, “Don’t be. It’s stupid, really. Besides, they’re going to love you.”

“God, I hope so Injunie. Imagine if I screw up big time?!”

“That does sound like something you’d do, but it won’t happen.”

Hyuck falls down on the bed, hopelessly staring at the ceiling. “Mark Lee is a crazy dumbass.”

“It’s not like you’re normal.”

He smiles a bit too in love, “See? Made for each other.”

He can feel Renjun rolling his eyes, feeling extremely thankful when the older chooses to not say a word; Donghyuck has heard it all, from others and from himself, and by now he knows all of it. He’s made peace with his feelings and now he welcomes them. Sometimes he writes a note, sometimes he keeps it to himself; the only difference now is that every note, thought and heartbeat is for Mark.

___

Mark is holding his hand when they get inside the plane, nervousness taking over Donghyuck. They put the same movie and watch it together, although he falls asleep first and makes his shoulder as a pillow—not that Mark minded. He wakes him up when it’s lunch time because he knows Hyuck would get grumpy if he didn’t eat anything, and then proceeds to clean their messes and give it all back to the lady. Once they land, Hyuck is a nervewreck again as Mark gets their luggage, but the the boy is holding his hand and kissing his temple and it feels like he can finally breathe. That is, until Mark’s parents start waving at them and his heart goes back to his throat.

It’s all a blur. His parents hug him so tight he can’t breathe. Mark’s mom tells him how beautiful he is and how his skin is glowing, how healthy he looks and how excited she is to finally meet him. Mark’s father hugs him and tells him he’s welcomed and part of the family. They also gave him a cute teddy bear with a shirt that says I Love Canada , and when they’re taking their luggage and Mark’s arm is around his shoulder bringing him closer and leaving more kiss on his temple, Hyuck can’t help but hope he’s truly part of the family and not just playing pretend.

It’s no surprise that they would share the same room, more specifically Mark’s room, but Hyuck tries to not let it show how nervous he actually is. Why is that? You’ve been sleeping with him for so long now… but it’s different, isn’t it? They’re in Mark’s hometown, in his house with his family and inside his old room. It just feels too real and intimate, even more than sharing a bed and cuddling, or middle of the night rides, or stolen glances and whispered words.

Hyuck sits on the bed, eyes running through every space of the room. It’s a typical American house , actually, a typical Canadian house —whatever that means. Mark’s room is painted with a light shade of grey and the ceiling is white. There are posters around the walls, portraits of his family and many pictures of Mark and his friends, including Jiwoo. Hyuck smiles at the stuffed toys and the Leggos, there’s even a basketball hoop on the wall next to the bed. Then there’s a piano keyboard and a guitar, and all he can think about is Mark playing the instruments without any worry, looking like the image of easiness. He sighs, maybe a bit too in love and endeared, but he’s past that now.

There are worse things in the world than being in love with Mark Lee.

He lays down on the bed while Mark is downstairs, he feels rather coarse by not accompanying them but he’s too tired and couldn’t even argue against Mark when he dragged him to his room. Jet lag is a bitch. He lays face flat on the mattress, sighing in pleasure from how comfortable it feels. He starts dozing off, mind blacking out and breath evening, his eyes are heavy and he can’t find it in him to even move.

He comes back to it when he feels a weight on top of him, something soft against his cheek, then fingertips tiptoeing from his shoulder down his arm, it makes him smile, even more when he feel’s the top of Mark’s nose against his cheek, caressing it slightly.

“You’re heavy.” It comes out slurred, filled with laziness and a bit hoarse.

Mark giggles and leaves another kiss to his cheek and then his shoulder, not budging from his position—to be honest, Hyuck doesn’t mind at all.

“How long was I out?”

“Around an hour. But you should rest more.”

Hyuck can only hum, almost drifting off to sleep again. Mark is so warm, specially sprawled on  top of him, every inch of their bodies touching even though the older is trying not to knead him. “Where were you?”

“Talking to them and settling our things in the closet.” Mark rolls back to Hyuck’s left, propping himself up in one arm, free hand caressing the hair on his nape. Hyuck hums. “You’re such a sleepy head.”

Hyuck hits him on the ribs, a laugh blooming from Mark, “Get out.”

The older simply jults Hyuck closer, bringing him to his chest so he can lay his head there and side-hugs him, Mark’s chin on top of his head and hand caressing him waist. Another sigh leaves Hyuck’s body as he hears the thumbing of Mark’s heartbeat fastening, allowing it to lure him back to sleep.

x x x

Johnny gets there two days later, since Ten wouldn’t be able to go he stuck around until his boyfriend went to Thailand. Now that he had arrived it really felt like he was with Mark’s family, and it helped a lot that his older brother was someone he knew and felt comfortable around. Donghyuck made a point of getting to know Mark’s mother, Yoona, and she seemed really excited to get to know him too. He hated how well they got along and how she made him feel part of the family, saying things like Mark is such a lucky guy or You guys look so in love! The last thing he needed was a reminder of how in love he is with her son, especially how screwed up he was for falling and getting too into the pretend situation they’re in. But he’s okay with it. He is.

“Where are you from, Hyuck?”

He enjoys helping her make dinner while the boys play outside—by this point Hyuck is sure they’re too obsessed with basketball for their own good.

“Jeju Island. I moved to Seoul with my parents when I was ten, they went back when I got in college.”

She gives him a motherly smile, caressing his shoulder, “You must miss them.”

“I do! But that’s okay, I know they’re happy there and, well. I’m quite happy in Seoul.”

He goes back to chopping the vegetables while she hums to a song he heard playing on the radio earlier. It all feels really warm and cozy, like he’s part of the family, and indulges himself. When they go back, then he’ll stop pretending.

“Mark looks really happy too.” She speaks again after a few minutes, looking out the window that faces the backyard. “Did you know he was really excited when he got accepted? Ever since Johnny left he couldn’t stop talking about it, almost drove Lee and I crazy.”

“Yeah, he told me once about going there to meet the campus.”

“Gosh, yes. He did that and then that’s when it got worse, he wouldn’t stop talking about it and overworking himself to get into it.” She sighed, turning the oven on and shoving the pie inside. “He’s a great kid, always was. But it made me worried thinking he might go back to his obsession with perfect grades, lack of sleep and anxiety attacks all over again.”

Hyuck frowns. He wasn’t aware of that part of Mark’s life, maybe the older wasn’t comfortable with sharing it. He wondered if Mark was on medication.

“Don’t worry, Miss Lee. He’s doing great.”

She smiles at him, but it soon turns into a smirk. “It’s Yoona, darling.” After messing with his hair, she proceeds to take care of the food while he’s still chopping away, almost done with his part. “You’re a big help in all of it, I suppose.”

“How so?”

“He seems really happy. And I know that’s part because of Seoul and living with Johnny, but part of it is also because of you.”

He bites back the need to ask how so? one more time.

“That’s actually why I wanted to meet you. Johnny told me he was hanging out with you a lot and I assumed you guys were a thing. I’m glad I was right!”

Oh, Miss—Yoona.

“Yeah…” He finishes chopping and throws them into the pot. “I mean, we’re still trying to figure it out…”

“Oh? I’m surprised to hear that! Johnny said you were dating.”

Damn your mouth.

“When he said that, we were actually getting to know each other, now we’re… huh… something. ”

Something, the world echoes inside his mind. They’re something , that’s all he can think of, because that is the truth. They’re friends, that’s for sure, and they’re pretending to date or something , but Hyuck is not dumb although he likes to pretend he is—there’s a thin line between pretending and real . They’re pretending they’re dating but all those moments were real, their words and gestures, the kisses, it was all real, Mark didn’t have to tell him that because he knew. Yet, there he was, scared of the ugly truth: despite the real moments, they were still playing pretend.

“Don’t make a big deal of that, darling. Lee and I were something once too, so were Johnny and Ten. Look at all of us now.”

Hyuck does smile at that, he always found Johnny and Ten an admirable couple, no one would ever fit the two of them better than one another, and he wished he could find his Johnny someday. Stupidly, Johnny’s brother was his.

___

It’s after dinner and Donghyuck is sitting at the porch of the Lee house, looking out at the nice neighborhood. It’s autumn here and there are a lot of leaves, Donghyuck really likes this weather, and how familiar Canada seems to him.

He feels something warm and soft wrap around him, as he looks up, he meets Mark smiling down lovingly. Then, the older turns around and takes a cup, handing it to Hyuck. Before the younger can take a glimpse, he feels the smell of hot chocolate, his stomach growling even though he ate an hour ago.

He takes tiny sips on it since it’s still too warm, watching as Mark sits down next to him, and Hyuck smiles at how soft the boy looks—a big hoodie wrapping around him, messy hair, rosé cheeks from the cold air. Hyuck feels like touching him, so he does, threading his fingers through the older’s soft hair, heart filling up from the pleased sighs that leaves the younger.

“You’re like a baby.” He thinks of something and his smile grows. “A cute baby lion.”

“Oh, c’mon.” Mark tries to get away from Hyuck’s hand but he’s determined. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t!” He sticks his tongue out. “You’re so mean to me…”

“Sorry, you big baby.”

They fall silent with smiles on their faces, sipping their hot chocolate while enjoying each other’s warmth. They’re close and it feels cozy and like everything he never knew he wanted, but ever since Mark came back into his life it’s all he can think about.

“I like smell of your home.”

“The smell of my home?”

“Yeah, the smell of your home.”

Mark chuckles and bumps their shoulders together, a silent request for the younger to elaborate.

“It’s familiar. Reminds me of your smell, something sweet, that makes me feel safe.”

“Do I make you feel safe?” The look on Mark’s face makes it clear he didn’t intend to say those words out loud.

Hyuck bites his lips in thought, watching his feelings take a turn, realizing he’s tired of fighting against them, that he’s tired. He can’t run anymore, he doesn’t want to.

“You do.”

The flustered smile Mark sends his way is enough to make his heart explode inside of him, and he’s sure it shows through his own eyes, like it shows through Mark’s.

“You make me feel all sorts of things.”

It’s nothing but a whisper but he says it as he’s looking into black eyes as deep as an ocean and as beautiful as a dark starry night. Not expecting for Mark to do anything, he’s taken aback when the older holds his nape and caresses it, gently bringing his head forward so he can leave a lingering kiss on his forehead, then on the bridge of his nose, then his temple and finally, finally, finally, his lips. Hyuck is tingling mess, lips on fire as he deepens the kiss. Although he’s been replaying that bathroom kiss over and over and was sure he’d lose his mind if it happened again, right now he wants them to take it slow. Mark is warm and tastes like chocolate, and Hyuck smiles because it matches him too well, and maybe because he’s too happy to contain it inside. He nibbles at the older’s lips and feels his body shiver when Mark moans and searches for more.

More to touch, more to kiss, more to have.

That night, Mark leads him to his room when everyone’s fallen asleep. As he lays Hyuck down on his bed, the younger feels like they’re the only people awake in the entire world, like everything is black and white while they’re screaming colors. Mark kisses him deep and slow, his hands touching every part of Hyuck’s body and lips kissing him lovingly, so much that the younger feels overwhelmed. He would like to take control, to kiss him hard and messy, but he knows it’s all about Mark, and how he’s showing him everything he can’t say with words. And Hyuck lets him. It’s slow, but hard and mind-blowing. It leaves him sweaty, overwhelmed and searching for more, more, more.

Deep down, he knows he’ll never get enough.

x x x

Mark watches as Hyuck and his mom talk inside the house, in the kitchen, he keeps thinking it’s like their new ritual. While he’s outside playing with his father and brother, they’re both on the inside, talking about God knows what.

“Watch it!” He feels something hit his back, only a split second later noticing it’s the ball. “Put your head in the game, will ya?”

He flips off Johnny’s, receiving a look from his dad, but he starts laughing right after. They go back to the game, Mark beating them pretty badly, which gives his face a wide cocky grin that he knows for a fact Johnny hates.

“How are things with Ten?”

Their father asks while they’re sitting on the back porch, he comes over and hands them a cold beer each. They toast and sip it, Johnny already looking like he misses the other too much.

“He’s great, he’s in Bangkok. I wanted him to come but it was his only chance to meet his family, so…”

“Yeah, he should be with his parents, you know? What about Donghyuck, Mark?”

“He’s enjoying his stay. We’re good.”

The events of the past night come back to his mind and he smiles. He’s so far gone for Donghyuck it’s ridiculous, he wonders how is it possible for humans to love each other so much it hurts.

“I’m glad to know that. You look very happy, son.”

“Maybe it’s time to make things official?”

Mark smiles knowingly at Johnny, thankful he’s not saying what he really means— Maybe it’s time to stop playing pretend? —and says, “Yes. As soon as we’re in Seoul.”

x x x

For the rest of their stay there, everything looks the same while feeling different. Hyuck and Mark already were close and intimate, but after that night, something shifted inside both of them. It doesn’t happen again but it lingers, it’s like a cup being filled and filled and filled until it finally can’t take anymore and spills—in the form of lingering touches, dubious stares, whispered words, moments that make it hard to hide their feelings—but Mark is working on that.

Lying down on the bed, Donghyuck is reading a book he bought, proud that he’s able to read in English now. Sometimes Mark will sit with him and they’ll read it out loud, sometimes Hyuck will fool him and make him read it by himself, but that’s just because Hyuck likes to hear the older’s voice. But now Mark is on the edge of the bed, threading his fingers through the chords of his guitar, mindlessly playing a melody Hyuck knows by heart, IU’s Through The Night .

“I love this song.”

Mark looks behind, a soft smile on his lips, fingers never ceasing its movements, and then through a whisper he says, “It reminds me of you.”

(In my diary all the words, I can’t show them all to you, but it’s that I love you.)

Donghyuck is in love with Mark and he’s trying to conceal his feelings. Why? He’s not sure, it’s a thing he does whenever things get too real. He never felt like this before, and the first time he falls in love happens to be a wild ride. He should probably just come out and tell his friends about them, at least his roommates and Jeno and Jaemin, and fuck, that’s just too much headache isn’t it? Why did they even get into this mess? They had literally no reason to. Well, Donghyuck wanted to be a part of that, he wanted an excuse to cling to Mark, to be closer, to indulge himself into the fantasy he created where Mark was the ideal boy for him, the only boy for him. And what about the older? What was his excuse besides helping Donghyuck even though the younger had it all worked out?

He spaces out a lot during the last two days, even though he tries to hide it from Mark he knows the boy noticed. Just like he’s noticed how the older is making a point of showing how he feels, which Hyuck appreciates more than he can put into words, but it also adds to the confusion inside his head. Although kind of unnecessary and that could be easily solved, but still.

When they’re saying goodbye to the parents, Yoona hugs him tightly, tells him she’s glad he’s part of the family now and that Mark is a lucky guy, Lee tells him that he’s like a new son and that he hopes to see him more. It kinda breaks his heart thinking that they're lying to them about being together. He’s been lying to everyone around him.

It’s when they get there and Mark takes him home that he makes up his mind.

“You’re okay?”

Donghyuck turns around to face him after unblocking his seatbelt and for a minute he can only stare, maybe because he doesn’t want to say anything, but he still does, “I think we should stop pretending.”

“Me too.”

“Oh.”

He’s not quite sure what that means.

“Donghyuck I—”

“I need to think.”

“Oh. Uh… okay.” Mark frowns and scratches his head. “Hyuck, you’re okay?”

“No. I’m… a mess.” He chuckles even though it’s not funny. “A new kind of mess, if I’m being honest. And I just… need space. You know?”

Mark bites his lips and nods, those eyes of his always so full of life and playfulness are now filled with confusion and… sadness? “For now?”

“Yeah, of course. I promise I’ll talk to you once I’m all figured out.”

“Promise?”

He smiles when Mark offers his pinky, offering his back and entwining them, sealing the promise with their thumbs. He smiles sadly, “I promise.”

Then Mark’s hand is on his nape and his lips are on his forehead, lingering there, showing him how much he cares and maybe even saying I’ll wait for you . That’s what Donghyuck hopes, and that’s what he tries to show when he holds Mark’s face carefully and leaves a kiss in those lips. It’s chaste but it holds a promise he won’t break.

x x x

“Hyuckie? Are you there?”

Renjun knows he is.

“I bought fries and hamburger for you.”

He considers opening the door.

“C’mon Hyuckie.”

He frowns. Then he gets up.

“Leave it there and leave.”

“Okay.”

He listens as Renjun does what he’s told and waits for a minute until he’s sure the older boy is away. Then he opens the door and gets the food, locking himself inside again so he can go back to his sad movie.

Jeno texts him and so does Renjun, Jisung and Chenle, but not Mark. Not that Hyuck is surprised, he knows Mark is good at keeping his promises, especially the ones that involve him. It’s been two days he’s still sulking his own terrible decision. He hates life.

Going through his Instagram feed while eating his hamburger, he almost chokes when seeing Mark on Jiwoo’s stories. He frowns, pouting his lips like a kid, because he misses Mark.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

___

“He viewed it.”

Mark shrugs, he wasn’t really into the idea of posting something so Hyuck would view it, but Jiwoo said she does that all the time with Sooyoung, to which he said he’s pretty sure that’s not healthy and she agreed. That’s settled then.

“So what?”

“So he knows you’re alive.” Mark raises an eyebrow at her. “Don’t say it.”

“Jiwoo, I worry sometimes.”

“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t.” She shrugs and pushes his shoulder, which makes him chuckle. “On the other hand, I’m worried about you , because instead of sucking Hyuck’s mouth, you’re here with me.”

Mark made himself forget— more like ignore —that Jiwoo wasn’t aware of the truth. And now he was pretty ashamed of admitting it, even though he knows he needs to, and maybe it’s a good thing he’s tipsy.

“We were pretending the whole time… and then it just got too real.”

“ Huh .” Her eyebrows are raised but she doesn’t look so surprised, she looks more lost in thoughts than anything. But Mark is impatient today so he nudges her arm with his elbow. “Oh. Hm. I guess it did happen out of nowhere, even if you were both obviously flirting with each other.”

He ignores the way his cheeks burns, “Yeah. Well.”

“Why, though?”

“Hyuck got himself in a mess. Someone sent notes had written for a few crushes years ago. He was keeping them on a box, guess it was his way of saying goodbye.”

“That’s actually a good idea. Maybe I should that, right?”

The best thing about Jiwoo is that she never judges him in any way. Maybe she does, but never that much, because she always seem to understand. Also, when it comes to bad ideas, Jiwoo beats him by a long shot. She reminds him of Donghyuck.

“There’s gonna be a hell lot of unsent notes to Sooyoung then.”

“Shut up!”

“How are you, by the way?”

“I don’t know. We’re… going. I’ve been spending a lot of time with this girl named Jane.”

“Oh, she’s nice. We talk sometimes.”

“Yeah… she told me she was trying to talk to you about me but you’re just too nice to use like that.”

“Ouch! Now I feel kinda used.”

Jiwoo rolls her eyes but smiles tenderly at him, “Will you guys be okay though?”

“I hope so. He asked me to wait so he can sort out his mind.”

“Is he aware of how much you like him?”

“I guess so. I hope so.”

She frowns and purses her lips, a hand meeting his arm and caressing it. “You should make it clear then.”

“How?”

“He wrote you a letter once, didn’t he? Write him one too.”

Mark snorts because that’s actually pretty easy. Ever since he started the fake dating thing he’s got this lame habit of writing random notes to the younger, some he actually gave him, most he kept in a box, along with his feelings. It’s time to take off the lid and let it all out.

x x x

KIM TAEYONG,

You’re the most talented person I’ve ever seen. When you dance it’s like the world stops and everyone is enchanted by your sharp movements. I know I am. I hope there won’t be a time when I’ll look at you and not be mesmerized, I’m sure that won’t ever happen.  Hyung was born to shine.

LEE JENO,

Sometimes I ask myself why Jeno has to be so nice and lovable. It makes it so much harder not to be in love with him. Jaemin knows that well. I think there might be another universe in which Jeno and I are meant to be together, but it’s not this one. My feelings are completely platonic, there are no butterflies in my stomach or anything like that, only my thoughts playing tricks on me.

Lee Jeno is the best fucking friend in the whole world and I’m the luckiest person to be his fucking best friend.

KIM YERI

You’re like the devil. I like that. Jeno says we get along well because we’re both annoying and evil, we agree on that. But I hope you know you’re nice and kind hearted and one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen, even though you say beauty means nothing when you’re so smart.

I hope you don’t change, Satan.

MARK LEE

From 7th grade.

That was a great time right?

These words won’t even get to you, I’m not even sure I will ever see you again, but it’s been 3 years and I still think about you. That’s why you made it to the list.

What I remember about you:

Baby shark teeth, cute giggle, soft voice, round innocent eyes, random words in English, blushed cheeks.

Sorry I was annoying, I liked making you flustered. I was sad when you left, I thought about contacting you but something held me back. Would you have replied? It’s too late now anyway.

I hope you’ll always be the sweet guy from seventh grade, Mark; at least in my heart I know you always will.

(I wonder if you can still make my heart flutter too.)

(im glad you will never read this)

Donghyuck snorts while reading each letter, there’s always a smile on his lips as he goes through them, especially Mark’s; he truly thought he would never see the older again, and it made him regret not taking chances before. Mark always made him feel less messy.

“Look at us now, huh?” He whispers to himself.

He was lucky enough to get all the letters back, in a way it makes him feel like it was never sent to them, always safe in there. He puts them back inside the cute box and closes it, Donghyuck decided to finally come clean to his friends about… well, everything.

They’re waiting for him, expectation on their faces. Hyuck deposits the box on the center table and sighs.

“I gathered all of you here today because I need to tell y’all something.”

“Why isn’t Mark here?” Jeno slaps the back of Jisung’s head. “Ouch!”

“Anyways. I had a few crushes in life and I wrote a letter for each of them. Four, in total.” He opens the box and slides it towards them. “Somehow the letters were sent to them and they discovered about my secret pinning for them.”

“You had a crush on Jeno?!”

Hyuck winces when Jaemin speaks too loudly, not that he didn’t see it coming but he expected it to be less dramatic than Jeno holding Jaemin and Donghyuck diverting from pillows being thrown his way.

“Jaemin it was platonic!”

“My ass it was!”

It takes around six minutes for everybody to settle down and Jaemin to actually read what’s written in the letter, and he only huffs it off, “You should have told me Hyuck! You know I hate being left out! Is that why you avoided Jeno?”

“Yeah.”

He clicks his tongue, “You’re so dumb, geez.”

Hyuck can only sigh and agree.

“ Anyways . Mark offered to fake date me even though there was a letter for him and he read it. He said maybe it’d be easy to face Jeno that way.”

“Hyuck...” Said boy frowns. “I wasn’t aware it was that serious.”

“I know. I would’ve told you but when we talked about it I was already pretending with Mark and… I guess telling you meant breaking it off with Mark.”

“You’re really in love with him, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.”

Renjun smiles, “He is too.”

“Yeah?”

They all nod.

Well, that’s something.

He sits on the floor, hopelessly.

“I’m pretty sure I screwed it.”

“Nah, of course you didn’t.” Jaemin sits beside him, arms going through his shoulders. “It’s not Mark’s fault you’re dumb.”

“Shut the fuck up—”

“Guys?”

They all look at Jisung, who’s been awfully quiet.

“I—I have… something to… confess.” Since no one makes a sound, he sighs and proceeds, “I was the one who sent the letters.”

“What? Why?”

“Because Hyuck and Mark looked like they were getting closer and just needed the right push so why not?”

“Did you have to send it to all of them?”

“Well—it was a no-brainer. Four chances.”

The room goes dead silent, everyone holding their breath as they stare carefully at Donghyuck, whose face is blank. They know him too well, that can only mean—

“COME HERE!”

When Donghyuck jolts forward ready to thrown himself on top of Jisung, the boys try either holding him or jumping in front of the younger one. There’s screaming and chaos again as Donghyuck starts chasing Jisung around the apartment screaming things like I’LL KILL YOU!, PARK JISUNG!, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I WILL END YOU and HYUNG PLEASE!, I’M SORRY I’M NOT SORRY!, HELP! It takes some time until Jisung is finally able to lock himself in a room before Hyuck reaches for him, which only causing the older to knock like crazy on the door.

“Jisung! Get out of there you Evil Spawn, before I manage to take down this door and shove my fist—”

“Wow! Calm down there, cowboy.” Jaemin is the first to gather the courage to approach him, followed by Renjun. “Be nicer to him, he was trying to do something to help you.”

“I didn’t need help! I was okay being single and never experiencing love!”

“That’s a lie, you were always miserable!”

“I will kill you!”

“Jisung you’re not helping at all, shut the fuck up!” Renjun sighs, patience wearing thin. “Hyuck, it’s okay now. Things could have gone better but at least it worked, didn’t it?”

Against his will, he says, “I guess it did.”

“Then that’s it! The only thing that’s left is going after Mark and telling him you’re in love with him.”

The door unlocks and Jisung peeks through it, only opening it once Hyuck shrugs and lowers his head.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re not.”

Jisung smiles cutely and shrugs, “Yeah, I’m not. I really like Mark hyung and I think you’re both great together.”

“We are.”

“So… friends again?”

Hyuck laughs as Jisung awkwardly opens his arms, he accepts the hug and knows Jisung means it, hugging him right back instead of pushing him away.

“I hate all of you.”

x x x

It’s been two weeks.

Mark is out of his mind by now, although he still hasn’t contacted the younger boy.

He’s torn between respecting his wish and just barging into his apartment and forcing Hyuck to to him. He doesn’t.

Life goes on, Mark making a point to keep his mind busy with college and basketball, he tries his hardest to have a busy day so he’ll be too tired to think about certain boy. It’s obviously worthless since he dreams about him most nights, but he still tries.

“Mark, seriously, let's go!”

He had agreed on going out with Yukei and Johnny to the gathering, but only because he assumed Yukhei would stop screaming at him. He didn’t. So he sighs and runs his hand through his hair, nervous. Earlier that night Donghyuck sent him a single text, it was more than enough to get him all worked up.

> donghyuckie~

will you be there?

> mark

yes

So yeah. Maybe it wasn’t Yukhei’s screams.

“Wow, it’s crowded.”

But it’s really cozy too. Mark loves this pub, there are fairy lights around it, nice people and nice music with a band playing live. He looks around trying to spot his friend, more like Donghyuck, but he’s pretty sure they’re not there yet. So he accepts the beer Johnny gives him, drinking it mindlessly and walking through the crowd to meet Jungwoo. Then his friends are there but Hyuck is not around and he’s getting nervous. What is happening?

Three beers is what it takes for Mark to see him. He’s walking through the doors with Jisung and Chenle, and he looks so handsome. He always does, but tonight he’s breathtaking . Shit, Mark is so in love with him it hurts.

“Hey.” It comes out flustered and he’s probably a blushing mess eating Hyuck with his gaze, but he can’t help it. “You look beautiful.”

“Hi.” There’s a beautiful smile on his lips and he looks nervous too. “Thank you. And I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay—”

“No. It’s not.” Hyuck holds both his hands, caressing it with his thumbs. “I know it isn’t, and I’m sorry. I was— scared . I never felt this way before.”

“I understand.” He does. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“No, it’s not that. Really. My own feelings scared the shit out of me. I’m weak.”

Mark smiles and shakes his head, one hand caressing his cheek. “No, you’re not. Thanks for talking to me.”

Hyuck nods and leans forward to leave a kiss on his cheek. “I have to get on stage, wait for me here, okay?”

“Yeah.”

His friends gather around him, curiosity getting the best of them as Hyuck goes up on the stage and whispers something to the main singer, who smiles.

He makes his way to the microphone stand and smiles.

“Ya, everyone! Thank you for coming!” Everyone cheers for him. He’s glowing. “Now, if you allow me to slow things down a bit… I have something prepared for a special someone.”

Mark frowns as people cheer around him. Could that be…? When he looks around, all his friends are looking excitedly at him, but he doesn’t get a chance to say anything because the song starts playing.

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling / Do you feel my heart beating / Do you understand? / Do you feel the same / Am I only dreaming / Is this burning an eternal flame?

Mark can’t help but laugh, unable to believe what he’s hearing. Hyuck’s voice is as angelic as he remembers and he’s glowing, smiling and staring at him with so much love it makes him dizzy.

“Wow, he’s great.”

Mark looks at Jiwoo who appeared out of nowhere and nods, smiling, “He is.”

I believe it's meant to be, darling / I watch you when you are sleeping / You belong with me / Do you feel the same? / Am I only dreaming / Or is this burning an eternal flame?

He knows this song, mostly because his mother used to sing it when he was younger. He likes it a lot but he never actually played attention to its lyrics, mostly because they didn't make sense to him, not until Donghyuck. He understands what the boy is saying with the song, he understands the feelings he's trying to show him. He feels the same.

Say my name / Sun shines through the rain / A whole life so lonely / And then come and ease the pain / I don't want to lose this feeling, oh no…

He can’t hold it in anymore so he pushes through the mesmerized crowd and gets on stage, hearing to the gasps and squeals around the room, but he can focus is Donghyuck standing in front of him with wide eyes and expectation.

“Mark, I’m—”

“I know. Me too.”

He holds him by the waist, lips crashing into his. It’s nothing like the kisses shared before, it’s filled with spit and a kind of rush, how much he missed Donghyuck and overwhelming feelings. He can hear the crowd roaring and it makes him smile, and Donghyuck is smiling too, and they can’t help but giggle, so much they’re forced to break apart. When he stares into Donghyuck’s eyes, all he can see is love, love, love.

“Fuck. I am so in love with you, Donghyuck.”

x x x

Mark wakes up to Donghyuck sprawled all over him, a sight he easily got used to. A really beautiful one. He watches the boy sleep, looking angelic as ever, the image of ease. He feels his heart ache with so much love and affection, finger finding its way to his hair. Hyuck squirms but doesn’t wake up, it didn’t take Mark much time to realize he was a very heavy sleeper.

They didn’t really talk it all out the night before, too busy making their way to Mark’s apartment between kisses and hands traveling places. It’s not like they had to talk it out, it was all in the open, Mark completely past the thought of hiding his feelings, letting out rushed whispers between the kisses he left into tanned skin. His heart was beating so fast, almost as if it was chanting out Hyuck’s name. It feels like it always is.

“Where’s Hyuck?”

There’s teasing behind Johnny’s words but Mark is too far gone to care.

“He’s sleeping.” He looks over at the clock, only 10am. “I’ll wake him up soon.”

“It was really nice what he did yesterday.”

“Yeah. I still can’t believe it.”

Mark is flustered and can’t hide his smile, so he drinks his coffee trying to hide it. His body is pulsing with excitement. Is this what it’s like being hopelessly in love with someone?

“God, you’re pathetic.”

“Hey! Have you seen yourself with Ten?”

“We’re a cool couple.”

Mark snorts, “No. He’s cool, you’re boring.”

“Am not!”

Mark leaves a outraged Johnny behind, muffling his laughter as he walks into his room, finding a sleepy Donghyuck sitting on the bed rubbing his own eyes, a pout on his lips. He’s wearing one of Mark’s t-shirts and he’s sure he won’t ever get it back. Not that he minds, really.

“Morning!”

Donghyuck smiles sleepily as Mark makes his way to the bed, the younger stealing his cup of coffee and smiling sheepishly.

“Morning.” His voice is hoarse and it echoes through Mark’s heart. “Slept well?”

“I did. How about you?”

“I did.” The mischievous smile makes Mark stiff a flustered laugh. “I missed sleeping with you.”

The confession is completely different from the expression on the boy’s face a second ago, more honest and shy. “I missed it too. You. ”

“I’m sorry I’m a mess.”

There it is, that word that describes Donghyuck too well for his own good, though now Mark knows that maybe it’s not like that at all. Hyuck is a mess, but that kind of mess where everything is in place. It’s a mess but you can still find where everything is. He’s that kind. And he’s beautiful, God, he’s so beautiful and Mark is so in love.

“Do you have any idea of how many times you told me you’re a mess since we met?”

“I don’t know. Maybe ten times a week?”

Mark gives him a pointed look, “ A day.”

The younger laughs, a hand caressing Mark’s neck tenderly, leaning forward to place a peck in those pink lips. When the coffee is finished they make way to the bathroom, brushing their teeth and getting into the shower. In the back of his mind Mark feels shy, although he knows there’s no reason to. They’ve seen each other naked and done things , yet this is another kind of intimacy.

“Don’t act weird.”

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you are.” Donghyuck pushes him under the hot water, threading his fingers through Mark’s hair. “Now shut up and give the bottle of shampoo.”

Mark complies and waits for it, turning into a puddle as Hyuck starts massaging his scalp. When he’s asked to turn around, he takes hold of the sponge and throws liquid soap on it, starting to brush Hyuck’s body tenderly.

“I like this.”

“Me too.”

x x x

It’s their one year anniversary, counting from the time Donghyuck serenaded him in front of the whole university, though Mark says they should count from their first date. Hyuck won’t step down, so they celebrate it twice.

Anyway, while Hyuck will take both of them to Jeju Island to his family’s lodge during the break, Mark takes out a box from under his bed, smiling as he takes the lid off.

He’s got an idea. Johnny left earlier to go visit Ten’s family in Thailand, so he’s got the apartment all to himself. Hyuck sleeps there every night, Johnny being there or not, so Mark needs to organize everything while the younger is attending the classes. (Donghyuck refused to lack off even though the campus is pretty much empty by now.)

Inside the boxes are notes he’s been writing ever since they got into that mess, the ones he wrote whenever he thought about the younger, when he didn’t had a voice to tell him his thoughts, when it all just got too much to bare and he needed to lay those thoughts out. And pictures, many pictures of them, the best use for his Polaroid that was dusting off on the shelf before Hyuck came along.

His idea is to stick the notes and the pictures around, with some candles, and even some petals. He even made dinner, pasta. Hyuck loves it and it’s the only thing he knows how to do in the kitchen that’s actually eatable. He also prepared a relaxing bath for him because exams week just finished and he’s always stressed during it, and picked out his favorite animes so he can choose which they’ll watch.

“Geez, how great of a boyfriend am I?”

When Donghyuck arrives, he’s a wreck of nerves, the lights down low and his heart thumping loudly inside his chest. But the look in Donghyuck’s face… it tells him there’s no reason to be nervous because he’s loved. So loved .

And Mark loves him just as much.

x x x

you’re the best fake boyfriend in the world

donghyuck… (just felt like writing down your name)

do you know the things your smile do to me?

today i almost told you how beautiful you looked. i should have told you, shouldn’t i?

i like the 3am rides and the talks we have, i like getting to know you more and more. i like you?

couldn’t see you at lunch today, missed your pretty face

you look beautiful in yellow

lee donghyuck is a beautiful mess

you're really smart, you should let people know that

i hope you wear my clothes more often

i’m sorry i screwed up

will you talk to me?

‘...makes me wanna surrender and wrap you in my arms…”

LEE DONGHYUCK IS MY BOYFRIEND !!!

i kissed all your moles a thousand times by now and i will kiss them again

you look breathtakingly beautiful in the morning

stop stealing my clothes!!! (ps: u look hot with them)

i love you i love you i love you

let’s live together once johnny moves out

you make happy

happy 1 year anniversary! let’s make it to 10 and than more… why not grow old together? maybe get married and adopt kittens? that sounds nice. anyway, i love you.