Archive of Our Own

Miles found Julian still at the airlock. He was leaning against the bulkhead, trying to look casual, but Miles could tell he was lingering. He came to stand beside him, mimicking his pose.

‘They’re gone, then?’ he asked.

Julian nodded.

‘How are you feeling?’ Miles asked. Now, Julian smiled a little.

‘I’m not sure,’ he said. ‘Ask me in a few days’ time.’

‘I’ll make sure to do that.’

Julian’s smile broadened, then disappeared. Miles could sense him closing himself off.

‘Fancy a pint?’ he said. Julian looked over at him, startled at the suggestion. Still, he pulled himself up and said:

‘Alright.’

They walked down the cross-bridge towards the promenade at a leisurely pace. It was not in character for Julian to move so slowly, Miles reflected. He was never one to drag his feet. Today, though, he was understandably pensive. Miles tried to think of something to say, but kept circling back to wanting to ask him again how he was.

‘I’m sorry the hologram thing didn’t work out.’

Julian shrugged.

‘Probably for the best.’

Miles stopped and touched his arm.

‘Julian.’

He stopped too.

‘Zimmerman had no right to do what he did.’

‘He did, though,’ Julian said wearily. ‘Perhaps it was better that it all came out now.’ He looked down at his hands, then sighed in frustration. ‘I can’t believe they were so stupid. They’ve lied all this time, and then they just let it slip like that.’

Not for the first time, Miles thought he should have intervened. If he had ignored Zimmerman and shut down the hologram, or stepped out and told the Bashirs that that was not their son, none of it would have happened. Still, it would not change the facts, the ones that had been in place since long before he met Julian.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, though it was not really enough.

Julian let out a long breath.

‘It’s not your fault,’ he said. ‘Now you know why I’ve never talked about them much. Or talk to them much.’ He looked Miles in the eye. ‘I was going to tell them about you. I felt it was only right, you know. But then I put it off, and we argued, and then everything blew up in my face and… I didn’t have the opportunity.’ His eyes flitted away, as if he was afraid of what might come next. Miles squeezed his shoulder.

‘It’s alright,’ he said. ‘Things have been pretty hectic – I didn’t expect you to.’ He shrugged. ‘Hadn’t expected you to even if this whole thing hadn’t happened. You didn’t have any time to brace yourself – they just turned up. It’s not so odd that you didn’t tell them. If my dad turned up on the station, I don’t think I’d end up telling him about us. I don’t think I’d have the time to work up the nerve.’

Julian tried to smile, but it did not look very convincing.

‘I didn’t tell them about Garak either.’

‘I figured,’ Miles said. ‘I wouldn’t blame you if you did, though. At least he’s not married.’

‘But he is Cardassian. I think explaining polyamory to my parents might be easier than explaining dating a reptile with a shady past.’

‘True.’ He put an arm around Julian’s shoulder. ‘Come on, let’s go have that pint.’

‘Alright.’

As they made their way to the promenade, the atmosphere felt a little lighter, and Miles thought Julian looked less concerned than before. Quark’s was busy when they arrived. There were no free tables on the first level, and only one bar-stool. Julian gestured to him to take it and came to stand beside him. The Bajoran engineer on the next stool pushed aside her half-full glass and got up.

‘Don’t move on my account, Bemari,’ Miles said.

‘I was just going,’ Bemari said with a polite nod. ‘Good night, Chief.’

Julian looked after her, perplexed, then took her seat.

‘The Bajorans seem to have some hang-up about drinking with superiors around,’ Miles explained. ‘It’s happened before.’ Turning his attention to the bartender, he called: ‘Quark.’

Quark put down his towel and came over to him.

‘What can I get you, chief?’

‘Two pints of bitter, please.’

Quark caught the eye of one of the other Ferengi behind the bar and relayed the order with a rapid series of hand-gestures. Then he turned back to his customers.

‘So, Doctor, what’s this about you messing with your genes to make yourself some kind of superman?’

‘Quark,’ Miles said.

‘That’s not it,’ Julian said with more patience than Miles. ‘It was my parents who arranged the augmentation when I was a child.’

‘That’s all?’ Quark said. ‘They said you almost got struck off and stripped of your rank, all of that stuff. I thought it was something much worse.’ He took the drinks from his employee and placed them in front of them. ‘You Federation types,’ he muttered. ‘I don’t understand you people.’

With that, he wandered off. Julian and Miles exchanged looks.

‘That was…’ Miles trailed off.

‘Better than I expected,’ Julian supplied.

‘Yes.’ Miles raised his glass. ‘Chin-chin.’

Julian smiled.

‘Chin-chin.’

They did not speak much. It was too noisy to have a proper conversation, and Miles was not sure what to talk about. There was a lot he wanted to ask him, but at the same time, there was very little he wanted to say, only the assurance that nothing had changed. When their eyes met he smiled, and Julian smiled back. Once, he let his hand brush against his knee, casual enough that an onlooker might not notice but with enough purpose that he would be aware of it.

After some time, the constant sound of voices and the dabo wheels was becoming a nuisance. Julian finished his drink.

‘Would you like to go for a walk?’ he said, raising his voice to be heard.

‘Good idea.’

They got up. Julian paused and stretched his back, stiff from hunching over the bar. It was then Miles saw it out of the corner of his eye – something travelling through the air, towards them.

It was like a switch flicked in his head. The sight had turned the bar into a battlefield. Acting on instinct, he grabbed Julian and pushed him to the ground, covering him.

The projectile hit the floor just beside him, splintering. He felt something on his face, but it barely registered. The danger seemed to have passed, so he sat back on his heels and put down a hand to steady himself. The pain made him shout and lose his balance. Pulled back into the moment, he realised his cheek was throbbing.

‘There, steady.’ Julian was holding onto him, guiding him to sit down. Instinctively, Miles reached up to touch his cheek, but Julian caught his hand. An odd silence had fallen. When he looked around, he saw the crowd watching him, wide-eyed and shocked. At the dabo wheel, Leeta was standing with her hands pressed to her mouth, trying not to cry. From above, he heard the sound of someone running on one of the upper levels. A deputy was rushing up the spiral staircase in pursuit. He looked down on the ground and saw the remnants of a glass. Something was soaking into his collar.

‘Here,’ he heard Quark say. ‘It’s clean.’

‘Thanks, Quark,’ Julian said. ‘Miles, look at me.’ He turned back and looked him in the eye. Julian pressed a tea-towel against his face. ‘Do you think you can walk?’

Miles nodded. The rough texture of the cloth scratched against his wound.

‘Alright. Let’s get you up.’ Julian made him hold the tea-towel in place and took his arm. Quark grabbed his other. Together, they heaved him to his feet.

‘I’d better stay here,’ Quark said, uncharacteristically anxious. ‘In case Odo needs any help.’

‘You do that.’ Julian took a better grip around Miles.

‘And I’d appreciate the towel back!’ Quark shouted after them as they left. The relative calm of the promenade was welcome after the chaos of the bar. Miles looked down at his free hand. A piece of bright blue glass had lodged into his palm, darkened by the blood.

‘Here we go,’ Julian said when the infirmary doors opened for them. He led Miles to the examination table and helped him up. ‘Jabara, where’s Doctor Girani?’

‘She’s in surgery. Ensign Graves’ appendix.’

‘Oh, of course.’ He paused for a moment, thinking it through. ‘No matter. Would you come give me a hand, please?’

Miles was only vaguely aware of the activity around him. He was still looking at the piece of glass in his palm, trying to replay the events of the past minute. It did not really make sense.

Julian’s hand on his shoulder interrupted his thoughts.

‘There, lie back.’

He did, letting Jabara take his hand and start removing the glass. Meanwhile, Julian took the tea-towel from him and made him turn his head. The stinging sensation of it being cleaned made him wince.

‘This is pretty deep,’ Julian said. ‘Too deep to treat with a dermal regenerator at once. We’ll have to stitch it up.’

‘Is it going to scar?’

‘No, no,’ he said. ‘We’ll give it a few days to heal on its own, and then we can hurry it along. The hand doesn’t look as bad. That we can treat now.’

As Jabara ran a dermal regenerator over Miles’ palm, Julian busied himself with his instruments.

‘How are you doing?’ he asked as he prepared a hypospray.

‘Alright, I think.’ The cut hurt, but he was more bothered by the feeling that he was missing something. ‘We weren’t even under the gallery,’ he said. ‘We must have been four metres away. How did a falling glass…?’

Julian frowned.

‘That glass didn’t fall, Miles. Someone must have thrown it.’

It made far more sense. Now that he replayed those seconds in his head, it was clear that that was what had happened. At the same time, it raised more questions.

‘Why…?’

‘I don’t know.’ Julian pressed the hypospray against his neck. The pain became less immediate. ‘Just try to keep still.’

Miles closed his eyes. Through his eyelids, he could see the bright infirmary lights and how Julian’s hand moved across it. The suture pulled at his skin, but it did not hurt.

‘There,’ Julian said. ‘All done. You can add another six stitches to your personal count.’ He stepped aside to get rid of his gloves and let Jabara dress the wound.

‘You’re lucky we have dermal regenerators handy,’ she said. ‘During the Occupation, that would have become quite the scar.’ The doors to the infirmary opened. Jabara put the final piece of surgical tape on his cheek. ‘Excuse me.’

She went over to the newcomer, a nauseous-looking man in a Starfleet security uniform. They were speaking quietly, but Miles could hear some of it.

‘I think it’s the Klingon blood-stew,’ the man said. ‘I started feeling odd after eating it, and then about an hour ago…’ He trailed off and swallowed, clearly trying not to be sick again. Julian put aside the cloth he had been drying his hands on and crossed to the man.

‘Let’s have a look at you, Bauer,’ he said kindly. Bauer jerked back visibly.

‘No!’ He looked over at Jabara. ‘I want to see Doctor Girani.’

‘Doctor Girani is in surgery,’ Jabara said. ‘But Doctor Bashir could…’

‘No,’ he said, shaking his head with increasing panic.

From where he sat, Miles could see Jabara and Julian exchange a look.

‘Let’s see what I can do to help,’ Jabara said and led him towards an exam room. As soon as they were out of sight, Julian turned on his heel and went over to Miles.

‘Do you feel alright enough to go home?’ he asked, pulling down his rolled-up sleeves. His collected calm from a few minutes ago was gone.

‘Yes.’ Miles sat up and got down from the table. The medication made him feel a little fuzzy, but not unsteady. Still, Julian took his elbow for a moment when they left the infirmary. Miles noticed at how he looked from left to right and then hurried to the closest turbolift, faster than Miles could comfortably move. When they reached it, Julian pushed against the well, like he was trying to make it harder to spot him.

‘Habitat ring,’ Miles said. The turbolift set off. He watched his friend, whose eyes were fixed on the opposite wall. ‘Julian, what was all that about, with Bauer?’

Julian looked down.

‘Isn’t it obvious?’

The turbolift slowed and stopped. Julian went out first, not looking back at Miles.

‘Julian?’

He set off after him. He had expected him to have gotten halfway down the corridor, but instead, Julian was frozen just metres from the lift, almost at the O’Briens’ door. Standing by it was Odo.

‘Doctor. Chief.’ He nodded at them. ‘I was coming to see you. Shall we talk inside?’

‘Of course.’ Miles nudged Julian, who snapped out of his frozen state.

‘Yes.’

Miles unlocked the door and stepped inside, followed by the two others. He had forgotten about the dressing on his face until Keiko, sitting reading on the sofa, looked up at him and gasped.

‘Miles!’ She got to her feet and rushed over to him. ‘What happened?’

‘I’m okay,’ he said. ‘There was a kerfuffle in the bar.’

Her eyes widened.

‘You were in a bar fight?’ she exclaimed, then looked over at Odo, as if wondering what brought him here.

‘It was not a bar fight,’ Odo said. ‘It was an assault.’

Keiko took Miles’ hand, hard. Julian crossed his arms around his chest.

‘We arrested the man who threw the glass,’ Odo said, turning to Miles. ‘A Bajoran civilian by the name of Nerba. He said he regrets that you were injured, Chief.’

‘“Regrets”?’ Keiko said, flaring up. ’He threw a glass at someone and regrets they got injured!?’

‘Your husband was not the intended target, Professor,’ said Odo. ‘The projectile was meant for Doctor Bashir.’

The O’Briens looked over at Julian. He did not meet their eyes, but Miles could tell that he was not surprised.

‘Did he give a reason?’ Keiko asked.

‘He did,’ Odo said. ‘He said he hoped to, quote unquote, “mark the freak for what he is”.’

Now they all looked at Julian. He did not move, but remained with his head turned away, his eyes averted.

‘I do hope you’ll press charges. Both of you,’ said the constable.

‘What will you charge him with?’ Miles asked.

‘Assault, attempted assault, intent to disfigure.’ Odo turned to Julian. ‘I would suggest that you do not return to your quarters tonight, Doctor. We need to make a proper threat assessment.’

‘He’ll stay here,’ Keiko said. Miles nodded in agreement. Odo looked unconvinced.

‘It might be safer for your family if…’

Miles shook his head.

‘He’s part of our family.’

Odo nodded in understanding.

‘Very well. Goodnight, Doctor – Chief – Professor.’

He left. As if he was able to move now that he was not being watched, Julian’s arms fell to his sides.

‘You didn’t have to offer that,’ he said weakly.

‘Nonsense,’ Keiko said. ‘I’m going to make some tea.’

She headed to the other side of the room where the replicator was. Miles put his hand on Julian’s arm, letting his touch linger in a way he did not do in public.

‘Julian, please look at me.’

Hesitantly, he met his eye. The calm mask he had put on in the infirmary was gone now. Miles could not remember ever seeing him look frightened like that.

‘If that piece of glass had hit you a centimetre higher up, you’d have been blinded,’ Julian said. ‘Or five centimetres lower down…’

‘It didn’t,’ Miles said. ‘And it wasn’t your fault.’

He could see how Julian struggled against that statement.

‘For a second there, with Quark, I thought it’d be alright,’ he said. ‘But it’s not.’

‘I’m so sorry, Julian.’

He shrugged.

‘Bet my parents didn’t think about this side of it,’ he whispered.

Miles took his hand.

‘Come on.’

They sat down on the sofa and Keiko brought the tea. She and Miles sat waiting for Julian to talk, but he remained silent, his hands tightly wrapped around his cup. Sometimes, they would look at each other instead, frowning and then going back to their waiting. Miles remembered how he had described himself yesterday. Unnatural, meaning not from nature. ‘Freak’ or ‘monster’ would also be acceptable. It was that word ‘acceptable’ that had struck him particularly at the time. Now, what shocked him was that Julian had not reacted when Odo had repeated the suspect using the word “freak”. Did he believe them?

In parallel, Miles also found himself reassessing everything every perception of Julian. Had he always had that beautiful eye colour? Were his long hands truly his? Which things were real and which were artificial?

He shook himself, scolding himself. Whatever had been done to Julian, he was himself and his own. The things that he had learned would not change anything – he would not allow it.

Keiko put her cup aside.

‘It’s time to call it a night, I think,’ she said. ‘I’ll sleep in Molly’s room.’

Miles got up and kissed her.

‘Good night, sweetheart.’

‘Good night.’ She rounded the couch. ‘Good night, Julian.’ She pecked him on the cheek. He moved now, smiling a little.

‘Good night, Keiko.’

She headed to the nursery and closed the door behind her. Miles sat down again. Julian looked down at his teacup and turned it between his hands.

‘How do you feel about bed?’ Miles asked.

‘I’m pretty exhausted,’ Julian said. ‘How are you feeling?’

Miles shrugged.

‘Not too bad. Tired.’ He hesitated. ‘Julian, do you want to talk…?’

‘No,’ he said, quickly and sharply. ‘Let’s just sleep.’

‘Alright.’ Miles stood up. ‘I should move Yoshi into the nursery.’

‘There’s no need,’ Julian said, softer now. ‘I don’t mind.’

‘He’s probably going to wake us up at some point.’

Julian smiled and shrugged.

‘I can take it. Genetically augmented, you know.’

Miles forced himself to smile back.

‘Come on, then,’ he said. ‘Let’s find you something to wear.’

Miles had not been wrong. The sound of a screaming infant woke him. Forcing his eyes open, he saw the chronometre on the bedside table flash 03.07. He groaned and was about to push himself up when a hand ran through his hair.

‘Sleep.’

He sank back down. The mattress shifted as his bedmate got up, leaving him on his own.

When he woke again, the crying had stopped. Miles sat up, head clearer now. The time was 03.29. Through the door to the living area, he could hear singing. He got out of bed and opened the door.

Julian was standing at the porthole, Yoshi in his arms. He was swaying lightly as he sang softly. Yoshi gurgled happily, half asleep. When Miles stepped inside, Julian looked up and smiled, but did not stop singing. Miles sat down on the armrest of the sofa and watched him where he stood against the backdrop of stars. The words were in Arabic, so he did not understand them, but the sound of Julian’s singing was calming. When he finished the song, Miles spoke quietly.

‘What was that?’

‘A lullaby my mum used to sing to me,’ Julian said. He stopped, realising that he could tell the whole story. ‘There were bits of it I didn’t really understand the meaning of when I was little. Then one day on Adigeon Prime, I asked her about some of it, and she started crying. I didn’t understand why. They were tears of joy, I realised later.’

Miles did not know what to say.

‘It’s beautiful.’

‘It is.’ Julian looked at the baby sleeping against his shoulder. ‘He seemed to like it.’

‘Looks that way,’ Miles said. ‘You know, you didn’t have to do that. You could have woken me.’

‘It’s okay. I don’t mind. And he’s not old enough to be disturbed by me.’

It took a moment for Miles to realise what he meant.

‘Julian… We’re not disturbed by you either, you know.’

Julian smiled sadly.

‘I think a lot of people wouldn’t offer to have me stay,’ he said. ‘Not to mention let me hold their child.’ The smile suddenly gone, he looked away. ‘I lied to you.’

‘You couldn’t tell me this,’ Miles said. ‘I understand that. That’s not your fault.’ He chose his words carefully. ‘You didn’t choose this. You might have lied, but your parents didn’t give you any option.’ At the sight of Julian’s face, he put his hand on his shoulder. ‘I mean it, Julian. This doesn’t change a thing.’

Julian slipped his fingers under his palm and touched the heel of his thumb, still raw from the dermal regeneration.

‘It doesn’t?’

Miles picked up his hand and kissed it.

‘It doesn’t.’

Julian touched his face, avoiding the dressing on his cheek, then let his hand fall.

‘It will change things, for some.’ He shifted his grip around Yoshi, who was still asleep, drooling against his shoulder. For a long time, he watched the baby, while Miles watched him.

‘Julian?’

He shook himself out of his thoughts.

‘I just can’t stop thinking: is this going to be my life from now on? People getting up and leaving when I enter the bar? People refusing my help just because of what I am? My friends getting hurt because of me? All for something I didn’t even choose for myself?’ His facial muscles tensed for a moment. Miles sighed.

‘I don’t know,’ he admitted. ‘It might get easier. People will get used to it.’

‘Or more people will know, and there’ll be more trouble.’

‘You know Captain Sisko won’t stand for that kind of thing. Neither will Odo, or I, or any of us.’

Julian smiled a little.

‘I suppose there’s one good thing about this. I don’t have to be afraid about people finding out anymore.’

‘There is that.’

As if he sensed the worry in the room, the baby wriggled and rubbed his little face against Julian’s shoulder. Julian hushed him and bounced him softly. Yoshi settled down. Miles quenched a yawn.

‘You don’t have to stay up, you know,’ Julian said.

‘I don’t mind,’ Miles said. ‘You’re very good with him.’

‘I do my best.’ He was quiet for a while, thinking. ‘There was something my mum said.’

‘Oh?’

‘She said I couldn’t understand why they did what they did, because I don’t have children.’ He looked up at Miles. ‘If it was Yoshi or Molly, what would you do?’

For a moment, he did not know what to say. His instinct was that he would do anything at all for his children. Then his reason caught up with him.

‘I’d try to help them,’ he said. ‘Try to explain what was going on. Make it clear I love them.’ He hesitated to ask, but decided it was better than to assume. ‘Did you parents look into educational support or take you to any specialists?’

Julian was shaking his head even before he finished the sentence.

‘Never,’ he said. ‘As far as I’ve been able to tell, the first time doctors really got involved was on Adigeon Prime.’

It was the answer Miles had expected, but not the one he had hoped for. If Julian had told him that his parents had come up against unhelpful doctors and an unsympathetic school system, Miles could just about imagine how the desperation would have driven them to try something more extreme. That was not what had happened.

‘I just keep thinking what could have been different,’ Julian said. ‘I wonder who I’d have been if they hadn’t done what they did.’

‘You’d be different,’ Miles said. ‘But you would’ve been different if you’d become a tennis player or if you’d stayed on Earth to do research or if you’d taken a position on a starship. I wouldn’t be the same if I’d become a musician, or if I hadn’t become an engineer, or if I hadn’t ended up here.’

‘I wouldn’t be me, I suppose.’

‘Maybe not.’

‘Maybe it’s a stupid thing to wonder,’ Julian said. ‘It’s not like any of those people exist. They’re all hypothetical.’

He let his cheek rest against Yoshi’s downy head. The baby snuffled against his shoulder, balling up his little hands. Miles reached out and stroked his son’s head, gently enough not to wake him. Even as he watched him, he felt his mind wandering.

‘Miles?’ Julian said quietly. ‘What is it?’

‘Just thinking,’ Miles said. ‘We should talk to Molly.’ Seeing Julian frown, he explained: ‘Rumours about you are all around the station. She’s going to hear about it one way or another. I don’t want it to be from someone like Bemari or Nerba or Bauer.’

Julian sighed and looked down.

‘I suppose you’re right,’ he said, though he clearly wished it was otherwise. ‘How will you explain this to her?’

‘I don’t know,’ Miles admitted. ‘But I think it’s a good idea to make clear that you’re important to us, and anything bad she hears is not true.’

It was brief, but he caught sight of the look flitting over Julian’s face. He did not believe him. Unnatural, he had said. Freak or monster. He had said it like he though that he was not quite human.

Then he smiled. Even if it was pale, it was genuine.

‘I appreciate that.’

‘Would you like to be there?’ Miles asked. ‘That way, it might seem less scary to her.’

Julian thought about it.

‘Perhaps that’s a good idea.’ He sounded ambivalent, but Miles could not blame him. He did not have a clue how to start that conversation. It was, he told himself, a problem best not tackled in the middle of the night. Now, he noticed how tired Julian looked, and how tired he himself was.

‘How about we try get some sleep?’ There was still time to get a few hours’ proper rest.

Julian nodded and, as if to highlight it, yawned. When it subsided, he said:

‘Let’s.’

He rose, careful not to jolt Yoshi. Miles kept close, in case he woke. He did not want Molly to wake up too. Explaining his bandaged cheek would be difficult enough in the morning. He watched as Julian gently put Yoshi back in the crib. As if he was worried the change would wake the baby, he started humming the lullaby he had sung before. He lingered at the crib, watching Yoshi sleep. Miles put his hand on the small of his back, shaking him from his thoughts.

They got into bed. The exhaustion was catching up with Julian quickly. He watched his bedfellow through his eyelashes, then his eyes drifted shut. Miles looked at him, searching his face. There was nothing monstrous to be found there. All he saw was him, this man whom he trusted and loved, who through sentiment and duty and serendipity had become part of his family. Whatever had been done to his genetic structure, he knew him as well as himself.

‘Good night, Julian,’ Miles whispered and pressed a kiss on his forehead. Julian murmured something unintelligible and moved closer.