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Cabanela had been quieter lately Jowd noticed, and he took to the more isolated corners of the airship often. When he was among the others he was all smiles and good cheer that rang false to Jowd’s ears. Jowd caught the regular set in his shoulders of a plan made and accepted. He saw the smiles fade when Cabanela thought no one was looking. He saw the looks given the others that lasted a little too long as if he was taking in every detail he could.
He was planning something and Jowd knew enough to know it wasn’t good.
Now they were landed in South Figaro to resupply. Cabanela had once more put on a mask of good cheer and somehow in a whirlwind of organization and bright suggestions had managed to send everyone off the ship on various tasks and activities, leaving only himself and Memry or so he thought.
Jowd made as if to leave only to stop nearby to watch. Cabanela stood on the deck staring out over the city with a distant look on his face. Then he abruptly turned and started to make his way inside when Jowd met him part way.
“Forgot something baby?” Cabanela asked.
“I nearly forgot how skilled you were,” Jowd replied.
Cabanela smiled. “I’d be flattered if I knew what exaaactly it was you were referrin’ to.”
“You managed to get everyone off the ship except Memry. Don’t think I didn’t notice how time consuming some of those tasks were either.”
“All part of shippin’ around this many people. You know that. Anyhoot don’t let me keep you. I’ve got business of my ooown to take care of.”
Jowd caught hold of his shoulder. “I’m sure you do. Mind sharing?”
Cabanela gently pulled his hand away. “No can do baby. I’ve gotta go see Memry about a little somethin’ helpful to our cause is all.”
The easygoing smile was unwavering, but his hand lingered over Jowd’s, fingers trailing over his before he released him. The meaning was clear, long looks and lingering touches, his good byes... Jowd caught his hand and Cabanela froze.
“Don’t.”
“What are you talkin’ about, baby?”
The lightness continued, Jowd noted, but there was something brittle to it. If the touch hadn’t been enough he had another piece of evidence.
“You’re planning to go by yourself. Don’t lie to me,” Jowd said flatly.
“I’m plaaaning to put an end to this,” Cabanela replied smoothly. “This has gone too long. A quick end, nothing like it.”
“You’ll get yourself killed. If anyone should be going it’s me.”
Cabanela’s voice took on a slightly different tone. Jowd nearly growled. He hadn’t heard it in years—warm, reasonable, convincing. The diplomat had no place here, not to him. Not now.
“You have Alma and Kamila to live for. Let me take care of this, my king.”
Jowd’s grip tightened as he met Cabanela’s eyes. Dark and unreadable.
“Don’t try that on me. I am no king here and you do not get to call me such while you try to throw yourself away.”
Cabanela raised an eyebrow while his words rang with a mocking edge. “I only follow your lead, Your Majesty.”
Those weren’t Cabanela’s words. The void was his to take, never Cabanela’s. Cabanela was above that, bright and blinding. Ever present and alive. Not this.
“That’s enough.”
“Let me gooo and I’ll be out your hair, baby.”
“No. You call me your king only to say I have Alma and Kamila? That that’s enough and you can just leave? You forget yourself.”
Cabanela let loose a sharp laugh and Jowd found himself bracing for a worse and wilder laugh, but it stopped as quickly as it started. Cabanela abruptly tried to pull away. Jowd held fast. He wouldn’t let go. Not this time.
“Me? Not what I saw on the island,” Cabanela snapped. “Not what I saw in your letter. ‘Good bye Cabanela’?” His mouth twisted, eyes flashing. “Not what I saw when I found you on the beach. When after everything I thought you died! When I thought I let you die.”
Let him die? It was his choice alone—to be a burden no more. But Cabanela wasn’t finished. His free hand sliced through the air as his voice raised.
“I’ve given everything I can for you, all for you to cast yourself away again and again. I’ve lost years for you. I was used, imprisoned, tortured, nearly executed in this very city. I’ve fought to keep you here every step of the way while you fight to leave and I would go through it all over again if I had to, but it’s still. Not. Enough. It’s never enough! I’ve made things worse! I should have known better than to save a corpse.”
Jowd averted his gaze, his anger deflating. “You deserve better.”
“I deserve you being here.” Cabanela’s voice cracked over him like a whip. “I deserve to know you’re alive and safe. That this wasn’t all a waste! You say you have me? You don’t; you have an excuse.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t do it anymore. There’s only one thing left. You can’t live under his shadow.”
Jowd’s gaze snapped back to him. “This isn’t right. Don’t throw yourself away for me.”
Cabanela shook his head, voice dropping to a deadly calm. “It’s too late for that, Jowd. I will take him down. If I fall I’m bringing him down with me. You will have a future.”
“And what about you?” Jowd growled.
“What about me?”
Jowd forced himself to keep his gaze fixed on Cabanela. His mouth twitched into what would be a smile if it wasn’t so bitter and if his eyes weren’t so hard. It was a familiar look on another face and for a moment Jowd saw the cell walls as his temper lashed around him. No, this was Cabanela, and the pain in his eyes and voice was very real.
“All I see is him. You and I aren’t so different in that regard, are we, Jowd?”
Jowd stared. No, this was all wrong. He struggled to see a future, to see a point. It was his lot and that was all. Cabanela was the dreamer. He always looked ahead. He always saw the light. He was the fighter. He was…
…a shell cracking under weights he should never have had to bear.
He released his hand to grip his shoulders and ignored Cabanela’s attempt to shrug him off. He forced himself to see him, to really see him, not the jester, not the untouchable man he once knew, but him—every sharp angle, line, wrinkle, grey hair of which there were far too many—careworn, haggard, so very tired… Where was the usual spark? A dying fire, he didn’t think it possible. The fire he himself had been dousing.
“I’m sorry.”
Cabanela went still.
“You’re not wrong,” Jowd continued as he found himself stepping closer. Too close wasn’t an option, but neither was continuing to hold him at arms-length. “I know you’re not him. I had the time to get used to that much. You’re not him, but in a way there was still a connection. Vector’s cells left little to do. The island wasn’t much better. In that cell, I thought he was you.”
Cabanela’s jaw clenched though he remained silent, watching.
“And I couldn’t fight back, not against him. Not against you. After a while I stopped bothering. There were others ways to get to him. He wanted my safety as well in his own way.” He smiled. “He had to take care of his trophy after all. Or maybe a toy would be more appropriate; he did like his games. He was always sure to keep me safe, but sometimes I could slip by his watches. He hated that. While it wasn’t much, it gave me some control. If I was hurt, he was hurt. The island, this world. It was another cell.” He shrugged. “With you there, in a way it was like getting to him. Control, punishment. Either way it was something to hold on to and when I fell maybe it would still strike a blow to him or maybe he doesn’t care anymore, but you would be free of one piece of garbage. A win-win situation it seemed.”
“Win-win?” Cabanela said through gritted teeth. His hands clenched. “Do you really think any of us would want this?”
“It seemed reasonable at the time,” Jowd said calmly. “Him? Me? That was fine.” He shook his head. “But I never meant to hurt you. Not you.”
“Guess what? You did.”
“And you let me.” Cabanela looked taken aback, but Jowd continued before he could speak. “And I refused to ever believe that was possible. How could something so worthless ever hurt you is what I thought. You always fight on. The end of the world couldn’t bring you down. It was easy and you never said a word. You do deserve better. I don’t ask you to forgive me, but I want the chance to do better by you. And you to do better for yourself.”
“Always fight on,” Cabanela repeated. “Didn’t you ever stop to wonder why?”
“No,” Jowd said simply. “It was who you are. What does feeling have to do with anything in this world? What possible feeling could you have for trash? I was wrong.”
Cabanela did feel. Overwhelming and all encompassing. That’s what led to this mess, wasn’t it? And all he’d done in return was turn that love to pain. He hurt the man before him. The one he…
“We…” No, not here or now. He couldn’t take refuge with Alma this time. This was between them and them alone. “However worthless it may be now I love you, Cabanela. Whether you do or whether you don’t, stay with us one more time. This burden isn’t yours to bear alone. We all go. Or none of us do.”
Cabanela’s eyes bore into his. The angles in his face seemed starker than ever. His voice was strained with more pain than Jowd could recall ever hearing from him. “Was there ever any doubt?”
In the end… had there been? Ever? One more thing thrown aside as underserved… He said his piece. What more could he say? A final confirmation. A request. He slowly shook his head then kept his gaze steady, holding Cabanela’s.
“Together?”
Cabanela stared at him, studying. Jowd felt some of the tension drain from his shoulders. The anger and strain faded, leaving Cabanela’s eyes tired and voice dull.
“Together.”
He shifted to pull away. Jowd released him.
“It was never worthless to me,” Cabanela said quietly before turning away.
“Where are you going?”
“Inside.” He stepped away, back straight, still holding pride in every inch. “Nothing else. You can trust in that much.”
Jowd grimaced as Cabanela disappeared inside. Shoulders hunching, he made his way to the rail to take his turn at staring at the city without seeing it.
Was there every any doubt? Under the years and layers of torment, through painful hopes he couldn’t grasp, under Cabanela’s burning gaze, was there every any doubt? No, only blindness. Darkness and shared misery.
Cabanela was right. This had gone too long.
Their future was an unknown in every sense. He couldn’t call it a new feeling exactly, but there was something different. The future felt meaningless; his life would end anytime. What was the point in looking ahead?
Now he wasn’t so certain. Cabanela had been the holder of their futures and now he too was blind. In a strange sort of way his loss was his gain. He would take on that weight instead for them. There was something ahead. It could be death. It could be life. An ending or a new beginning. It didn’t matter. They couldn’t see what lay ahead, but something was there and they would find it, if not together, then side by side.