Archive of Our Own

“We have something extra special for you today!” Cheryl, Phil’s manager announced, her tone coated in a false sense of cheeriness, even though Phil could have told from a mile away that she was just as miserable as the rest of them. The only thing giving her the incentive to even attempt to spur excitement in her workers was the extra money in her paycheck. “Today, we’re going to be revealing this year’s Christmas advert!”

There was a collective groan from all the employees, but Phil didn’t bother. Logically, he should have been the one groaning the loudest, since he was the one who would have to put up all the signs, but the adverts were no new news. It was the first of December, and it was the same thing year in and year out. It was that shitty, shitty time of year once again.

“Come on, guys! Christmas is exciting!” Cheryl tried to egg them on again, but to no avail.

“More work,” Gail muttered, and Phil snorted. She seemed to be joking, but only to a certain extent; she didn’t want the Christmas rush any more than Phil did. Gail, a short woman with long, red hair, was by far his closest friend in the store, and they had the same, terrible sense of humor.

“Not that I don’t love Christmas,” Phil chimed in, “the holiday itself is great; I just can’t stand the signage. There’s so much of it, and there’s so much stuff to stock, and not enough room to put it on the shelves. Not to mention the millions of customers. I love the holiday season, but I hate the busy season,” he ranted.

“Well, do you want to see the ad, or not?” Cheryl huffed, gesturing to the small flat screen they’d carted in to show the video.

“Sure,” Phil replied. “Might as well become get to know the people we’re going to hang out with for the rest of the month.” He couldn’t help but dread the piles and piles of signs he’d end up forced to hang up and then look at with the same few faces on them.

Cheryl turned on the television, and Phil kicked back in his chair. It opened with a little girl looking out her window at falling snow. She appeared dreamy, and she reminded Phil of when he watched the snow fall as a child. It was completely dark, the only light coming from a lamp outside. Her father appeared behind her. “Isn’t the snow a beautiful sight?” he asked.

She smiled and turned to him. “It reminds me of stars in the night sky.”

“Cheesy,” Phil heard Gail mumble.

“You know,” said a male voice through the screen. “I thought that when I was growing up too.” From the other side of the girl appeared another man, and Phil’s brain short circuited.

“We’re gay now?” he heard a coworker say.

“Oh, they’re GAY gay,” Gail, the local lesbian, joked.

Normally, Phil would have responded with some witty yet stupid remark, but his eyes were glued to the screen. He couldn’t tear his stare away from the second of the two dads. There was just something infatuating about him. Well, really, in Phil’s opinion, from his curly, chestnut hair, to his eyes, twinkling like the stars around him, to his flawless smile, there really wasn’t anything about him that wasn’t infatuating.

By then they’d been magically transported to space and were floating around and pointing out festive shapes in the stars.

“Space? Come on, how random can it get?” Gail criticized. “Amirite, Phil?” she added, reaching out and punching him softly. “Phil?”

“Oh, yeah, totally,” he responded blankly, still refusing to turn his gaze from the screen.

Gail raised her eyebrows for a moment before smirking in realization. “Philly has a crush!” she whispered excitedly.

“Do not!” Phil whispered harshly, finally glancing away to give her a dirty look.

“Whatever you say, buddy.”

Phil and Gail spent the morning printing and putting up signs, as they usually did on Mondays or days when sales started. As much as Phil hated the manual labor of either carrying or climbing the ladder, the job was always made tolerable by Gail’s presence, but that day things were a bit different.

“You really can’t take your eyes off him, can you?”

Phil shook his head, tearing away from the actor’s face as it printed from the massive printer. “What?”

“I get we’re the only two gays in the store, but do we really have to act like the only two gays in the store?”

Phil rolled his eyes and groaned at her. “What does it matter anyway? He’s just an actor; it’s not like I’m ever even going to meet him, let alone have a chance with him.”

“So you just think he’s hot.” She narrowed her eyes at him in questioning.

“I just think he’s hot.”

“Fine,” she said, pulling the last poster out of the printer. She took a good look at the man on the poster as they went to get the ladder, “honestly, I’ll give you that. He’s pretty attractive, and I’m a lesbian.”

“Glad we can agree on something.” Phil sighed, pulling the ladder out of storage. They silently went about their normal routine of carrying the ladder out together to where they’d hang their first sign. It was completely normal for them; they’d always follow the same route through the store to hang the signs. They even knew exactly when to switch who was climbing the ladder and who was holding the other steady. It was a sort of a sacred morning routine for the two of them; although climbing a massive ladder to reach the ceiling of a retail building terrified Phil, it was worth it to be able to spend a morning alone banting with his best friend. It was their morning, and no one could take it from them.

Well, maybe the man on the poster could.

“Phil!” Gail shouted, and Phil had to grasp the ladder so tight his knuckles turned white to keep from falling.

“What? You scared the shit out of me!” he shouted angrily down at her. Luckily no one noticed, since he was too distracted by his own exasperation to remember he was screaming obscenities to an entire family-friendly retail store.

“You’ve been up there staring at that damned sign for a minute now! Just put it up and get down!” she breathed up at him. He took a deep breath and shut his eyes for a moment before carefully hanging the sign and coming down. As much as he hated to admit it, the attractive man on the poster was already starting to keep him from doing his job.

“Time to switch?” Phil asked, taking his end of the ladder as they carried it to the next stop.

“I swear, Phil, if you get distracted and drop me, as soon as I recover, I’m gonna kill you.”

“Understood.”

Somehow, Phil managed to stay focused throughout the rest of their signage. The death threats, however unrealistic, might have played a part, but Phil liked to convince himself it was due to his own self control rather than his primal instinct to stay alive.

The afternoon was long and fairly uneventful; Phil spent most of his time helping out on a register to help with the beginning holiday rush.

After they finally clocked out, Phil and Gail walked into the Underground together to catch trains back to their flats. “You really like that guy, huh?” she asked, catching Phil off guard.

“What?” he questioned, starting to sweat. “I mean, yeah, he’s cute, but I don’t know if I’d say I really like him. I’ve never met him.”

“Hm,” she grunted as her train arrived and she stepped in.

“Hm?!” Phil shouted back at her. “What the hell is hm?”

Later that evening, it became very obvious what “hm” was.

At first, when Gail texted him a link, he was simply terrified, as she had a horrific tendency to send him either cursed videos or terrible memes, but when he opened it, he found a surprise he wasn’t quite sure if he could call pleasant.

There, on his screen, through YouTube, was the very ad they’d watched in the break room that morning. There was the same curly-headed, gay dad he’d been pining for all day. And he still couldn’t take his eyes off him.

It took him a few replays of the video to even remember that he was living real life. He’d fallen into an abyss where the only thing on his mind was the actor’s face until he got a Twitter notification. “Oh, shit!” he yelped, throwing his phone down on the couch beside him in a sudden attempt to keep himself from watching the video for a second longer. He sat for a moment, deep in thought about how utterly pathetic he was, and picked up the phone and swiped away the YouTube tab. “This is ridiculous,” he said, shaking his head. “I need some fresh air.”

It wasn’t that cold of an evening, but it definitely warranted a light jacket. He threw on a hoodie and stepped outside, hands in his pockets. It had already grown dark, but, for a retail worker, he lived in a pretty good part of London. His neighbors were fairly nice, and there was little crime in the area, so he felt save as he wandered the sidewalks in the dark.

He got bored of walking quickly, but he didn’t want to go back to his flat, so he sat down on a bench and looked up at the stars. They were underwhelming, given he was in the center of London. He couldn’t help but wish he could see them all. “Why am I so weird?” he asked the void. He glanced around to make sure there were no people around him to avoid an awkward encounter before he continued talking. “Like, what kind of person has a crush on the actor in a Christmas ad anyway? It’s so overwhelmingly stupid.”

He put his head in his hands and blinked hard before jolting back up. “What does one even do with that? Am I just supposed to walk around all day staring at him for the next month?”

“I wish I could fix this.”

He watched the sky as he spoke, and snow began to fall. It immediately began piling up on the concrete around him. He was in a sort of a concrete jungle; he was sat on the lone bench on his street, and his surroundings were solely buildings and road. It was nice to see snow add some beauty to the grey. He was surprised, though, as it didn’t feel nearly as cold as it would have to be to warrant snowfall, and they didn’t tend to get snow that early in the winter, but he smiled at the snowflakes as they fell onto and melted off of his black hoodie sleeves. Phil had always loved snow.

There was a certain something about snow that just made him smile. He remembered watching the snow fall as a child and being so excited. Snow was uncommon in London, and it was even less common for it to accumulate, so when it did, they almost always got out of school. Snow, for him, just brought back a childlike glee he didn’t get from anything else.

He sighed and stood up, making the short walk back to his flat. He paused before opening the door to his building, taking one last look at the beauty of the falling snow. He watched as each individual flake fluttered to the ground, and his breathing slowed. It was calming, more than anything else. When he got back up to his flat, he made himself some popcorn and put an anime on his television. Finally at peace, he smiled as his phone was left discarded on the other side of the couch.

“You sent me the ad?” Phil laughed at Gail the next morning.

“Yeah, and you didn’t even thank me! Busy, eh?” she asked, nudging him with her shoulder.

“Oh my God, no!” he squeaked, his face going red. “That’s just weird,” he added in a normal voice.

“Okay, okay,” she said, raising her hands as if to defend herself, “but I’m sure you at least enjoyed it in a completely wholesome and appropriate fashion.”

“I did,” he said, folding his arms and holding his head up high. “However, I ignored it for most of the evening.”

“Well, that’s great! I’m proud of you!” she said, reaching over to give him a pat on the back. “Good luck ignoring it for most of the month.” She pat him a bit harder after that line, and he almost fell forwards. “See ya out there!” she called over her shoulder as she left the break room and went out to the floor.

Phil sighed. “This is gonna be fun.”

Whether or not it was fun was debatable. Trying to ignore the posters was not only not fun but also nearly impossible; they were massive and all over the store. But every now and then, when he did take a look, that could have definitely been considered fun.

A couple weeks passed uneventfully. Well, if you count Phil’s suffering as uneventful, that is. Nothing new happened, but the old was still garbage. It was like the actor was taunting him; everywhere he looked it felt like he was being laughed at.

“You have a crush on a poster!” the cardboard man seemed to say.

Phil didn’t even want to start with the other man. “I get the hot one, and you don’t!”

Worst of all, Phil had been pushed so far that he imagined rude lines being spoken to him by inanimate signs.

“Pathetic,” he sighed as he stared at the poster during a rare slow hour at the register. “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey was playing in the background, and it couldn’t have been more accurate. He was enamored by a picture.

“Man, you’ve really got it bad for him, haven’t you?” Gail asked, appearing at his side after closing her empty register.

“Yes, Gail, I do!” he shouted, and her eyes bugged out of her head.

“Well, that was unexpected.”

“Yeah, well, I give up. I’ve been trying to get rid of him for the last two weeks, but I can’t stop staring at him, and I watch the fucking video five times a day! It’s an obsession, and I’m losing my mind!” he shouted, all his frustration finally pouring out.

“Well,” Gail dragged out, a mischievous look in her eye, “I may be able to help you with that.”

“I can’t tell if this is a wonderful idea or a terrible one.”

“Oh, it’s definitely both.”

Phil groaned, rolling his eyes back in his head. “What is it this time?”

“What if we find him?” she asked, eyes wild.

“Gail, how the hell are we going to do that?”

“I don’t know, but we’re in London, and the Internet has a lot of power. I’m sure we can find it somewhere.”

Phil took a deep breath. At that point, he was desperate. “Fine.”

“Yay!” she exclaimed, bouncing on her toes. “Your place at eight.”

“Wait, what?”

“See you there!”

Sure enough, Gail showed up at Phil’s flat a couple minutes even before eight. He was a bit annoyed that she was early, given that he had five minutes left in his episode of Bake Off, but he turned it off and went to answer the door anyway.

“Ready to find this bitch?” she said cheerily, clapping her hands together. She seemed to have a bit too much energy for Phil’s taste.

Phil bit his lip. “Well, when you put it like that, I’m not-”

“The answer is yes,” she interrupted, carelessly tossing her backpack onto Phil’s couch and heading straight for his kitchen.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“What?” she asked, already popping a bag of popcorn into the microwave. She’d been over to his flat enough times to know exactly where to find the popcorn. “I’m hungry.”

Three minutes later, they were settled on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and open laptops. Apparently Gail’s backpack was packed only with her laptop, her charger, and a good portion of her candy stash. She seemed to be under the impression that they’d be up late and need some sugar.

“First step…” she trailed off, one hand browsing the Internet as the other stuffed her face with popcorn, “the YouTube video. See if there’s any traces from there. Look at all the intricate stuff, like the tags.”

“YouTube has tags?” he asked, dumbfounded as his mouth fell open. How much about his precious Internet did he not know?

“Exactly.”

Phil leaned onto Gail’s shoulder as she expertly opened a screen he had never seen before and began scrolling through it looking for names. Phil began to wonder how many people she had stalked on the Internet.

“Nothing,” she said, closing the tab. “Now what?”

“I don’t know! This was your idea, and, quite frankly, it scares me.” Phil receded to a corner of the couch and put in earbuds, deciding to simply rewatch the ad. “Do whatever; I don’t particularly want to be a part of it.”

“Suit yourself,” she said, getting down to business. As much as Phil tried to ignore her, he couldn’t; he still found himself looking over at her screen. One moment she was on Twitter; the next she was on some sort of Twitter-like website that seemed to be a search engine. After his third rewatch, he closed the ad tab and opened Tumblr. He glanced over at her screen and saw her cropping an image of the actor’s face.

“Now what are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m just gonna run his face through the database,” she said nonchalantly.

“The database?” Phil shrieked. “What the hell is the database?”

She shrugged. “Just the database.”

“Alright, that’s it!” Phil shouted. “No more stalking.”

“But-” she stammered.

“Go home, Gail,” Phil said, straightfaced and stern.

She sighed and packed up her things, leaving without a word. Phil felt a bit guilty; he hoped he hadn’t upset her too much. She was a great friend to him, as was obvious with her going to these lengths to help him. He just didn’t particularly want that help. At least not in the manner she was going about it.

Of course he wanted to find the actor he was crushing on; hell, he’d been dreaming about it for two weeks. He just didn’t want to stalk him. He loved Gail, but she had a tendency to go too far, especially when it was either related to the Internet or the gays.

Phil chose to avoid Gail for a few days as the holidays drew near. He wasn’t ignoring her; he was just giving her space. She never approached him, so he never approached her. Eventually, they met on their way to the Underground and had a casual conversation. It was more of a colleague one than a friend one, and Phil could barely endure it, but it was a conversation.

Eventually, the holidays rolled around. The twenty-third was one of the worst days, but it didn’t get worse than Christmas Eve. Phil and Gail both would have loved to take the day off, but they didn’t have much of a choice. All the other workers had families they needed the break to spend the holidays with; since they’d each come out, their families didn’t like them much. Without an excuse or a place to go, they were lucky to even get Christmas Day off.

About halfway through the hellish day, Gail approached Phil at the register. Their shift had just ended, but Phil was working a double, and Gail had just clocked out. She was checking out two microwave dinners, a box of microwave popcorn, and a few candy bars. “Got plans?” he muttered.

“Not yet,” she replied, not making eye contact with him.

“Who’s the second dinner for?”

“Maybe I’m just buying ahead!” she exclaimed, acting offended.

“Sorry, sorry,” he said, growing quieter on the second word.

“But I was thinking maybe it could be for you… If you wanted it.” She looked up at him, obviously extending an olive branch to end their argument, if one could even call it that.

Phil smiled as he rung up the dinners. “It’s on me.”

After Phil got off work, he headed straight for Gail’s apartment. The two spent the evening on Gail’s couch eating absolute garbage, and it was the best night either of them had experienced in as long as they could remember. Not once did they discuss their conflict or the man from the poster; they simply ate their junk food and watched an anime.

Phil was already tired from his double shift, but his eyes began to droop around the sixth episode. “Hey, Gail?” he reached over to her, but she had already fallen asleep. He picked up his phone and looked at the time; it was 12:13. He smiled at Gail, picking up the blanket she’d fallen asleep with and tucking her in. “Happy Christmas.”

Phil took a cab home and managed to sleep in late. He didn’t have any celebrations to attend that Christmas, so he simply sat in his lounge and watched as many Christmas movies as he could find. He loved the holiday, but it was difficult to do so when he had no one to celebrate it with.

The next day was Boxing Day, and it was all hands on deck at the store. Phil could barely stand the crowds; Boxing Day made him wonder how completely normal human beings could act like such animals. Every now and then he’d see someone who he went to school with come in for the deals. Normally, he’d be embarrassed to be seen working retail in his thirties, but when he saw one of his old classmates fighting an old lady for a vacuum, he realized he probably wasn’t the one who needed to be ashamed. Regardless, the Boxing Day crowds scared the absolute shit out of him, but the one decent thing about working that day was the fact that he rarely had to interact with them. Phil’s Boxing Day job was always signage.

Sure, he had to go in early to take down the Christmas signs and put up the Boxing Day ones, and he had to stay late to change Boxing Day signs to normal sales signs, but it was worth the long day to avoid human contact. He occasionally had to work a register, but most of the day was spent printing out the signs for the next round of sales.

Luckily, he wasn’t the only one working that schedule. Gail was right there with him on the “Hell Shift,” as they’d decided to call it.

It was still plenty dark outside as they took the ladder to the first of the Christmas signs; the doors would open in a few hours, and there were already plenty of people camping outside. Boxing Day was insane. “So,” Gail said as they set the ladder in place, “guess you’re glad to get rid of these, huh?”

Phil shrugged as he climbed up the ladder. “Kinda. I’ll definitely be glad to be rid of the curse of my irrational love for this man, but I won’t miss his face.”

“It’ll always be on YouTube,” Gail joked quietly. She seemed to be acting a bit odd, but Phil chose to ignore it and blame it on the ungodly time of day.

They went about their morning and took down most of the signs. All the posters and displays had been collected, and all that was left was one hanging sign. It was Phil’s turn to climb up, so he made his way up to the colossal face of the actor he’d been gushing over a month and sighed. “Goodbye, mystery man,” he said as he took the sign from its hinges and replaced it with the Boxing Day sign.

On the ground, Gail exhaled, stomping her foot. “Damnit, Phil, I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” he asked, a little worried as he climbed down the ladder.

“I know who he is.”

Phil nearly fell and broke his leg. “What? How the hell did you find out?” he shouted as he reached the ground.

She bit her lip, looking down at the floor so as to not make eye contact with Phil. “I may or may not have put him in the database.”

“Gail! I literally told you not to do one thing and one thing only.”

“I’m sorry!” she shouted, blowing steam from her nose as she ran her hand through her hair. “I’d already pushed enter when you got mad, and when I opened my laptop after I got home it was just… there. I never told you because I didn’t want you to be angry.”

Phil closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Obviously he wasn’t happy with the means by which Gail figured out the identity of this man, but he couldn’t deny the childlike glee he felt when she told him. He still had butterflies in his stomach, and his heart rate still hadn’t recovered from the fact that he jumped and almost fell off a ladder. “What’s his name?”

“Daniel Howell. Dan for short. I looked him up on social media, and according to his Instagram he frequents a bar downtown. I can send you the address if you want.”

By then it was too late to turn back.

“Sure.”

For once, Boxing Day was bearable. Phil had a certain livelihood about him throughout the day that he’d never felt on such a busy day; he even interacted pleasantly with a few customers. All the joy was solely due to the fact that he’d have the chance to meet Dan at the end of the day.

Dan. It was odd for Phil to think of the man as an actual person with an actual name; until then, it had been completely unknown. Learning more about Dan only made him more and more interested in him.

The day finally rolled to an end, and Phil giddily caught Gail on her way out of the store. “Well?”

She cracked a smile, pulling out her phone. “Impatient?”

Phil simply nodded as she sent him the address. He went home and changed clothes before setting his GPS to the address. It was time for a drink.

The bar was fairly nice; it seemed like the sort of place a commercial actor would go to. It wasn’t a home for deadbeats, but there certainly wouldn’t be any bouncers standing outside. There were a few tables around the bar area where people could order and eat a limited selection of food, and then the room opened up to a dance floor. He sat down at the bar and ordered a margarita to sip as he watched the bar scene unfold around him. It was a bustling place, with music and dancing; the bar and seating section was the only calm place in the room.

It had a good vibe to it, Phil thought. If that was the sort of place where Dan hung out, they would surely be compatible. It was chaotic, but in the best possible way. Phil surveyed the room as he had a few drinks, but there was no sign of Dan. Phil sighed, heading back to the bar to pay his bill. He put his head in his hands; he’d finally had a hint of how to find Dan, and he’d come up empty-handed. He’d been waiting a month to meet this guy, and he couldn’t even figure out how to find him. It was stupid of him to think he would find Dan the first night anyway. No one who isn’t a drunkard goes to a bar every night. Hell, it was probably a good thing that Dan wasn’t there all the time. Not being a drunkard was definitely a plus when looking for a boyfriend.

Phil crashed on his couch and pulled out his phone. On it he found multiple texts from Gail containing links to Dan’s social media. Phil smiled; Gail never failed to provide for him. He would certainly have entertainment for the rest of the night.

After reading up on Dan, Phil made a few conclusions. Firstly, he was definitely gay. Secondly, he was either single or didn’t particularly like talking about relationships on social media. Phil would take that bet. Thirdly, it was clearly worth his time to return to the bar. So Phil made his way back to the bar every few nights in search of Dan. Eventually the scene got boring, and he insisted on bringing Gail.

“Damn,” she said, looking around at the bar as they walked in, “this place is nice.”

“Yeah,” Phil said blankly, having gotten more to used to the bar, “it’s alright.”

They took seats at the bar and had a few drinks. Phil was relieved to have finally brought Gail, as she decided to call an Uber so neither of them would have to drive home. After spending enough time at that damned bar, it was about time he could get wasted.

The two each had a good few drinks, and Phil lost more and more hope with each one. “Gail, there’s no hope,” he said, not yet slurring his words, although he knew he was almost there, “I’m never gonna find him.”

“Do you wanna go home?” she asked, sipping down the last of whatever drink it was. Phil had lost track.

He nodded sadly and pulled his wallet out, handing it to Gail. “Pay for our drinks; I gotta piss.”

She giggled drunkenly and nodded, calling for the bartender as Phil slipped away towards the bathrooms.

The bathroom had a push door, and Phil simply walked straight into it and flung it open. To his surprise, there was a body on the other side, and it got a faceful of door. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry!” Phil exclaimed, his drunkenness immediately fading and being replaced by embarrassment and a bit of fear. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, mate,” the stranger said, clutching his face, “just be more careful next time.” He straightened up and pulled his hand away from his face. “Do I look alright?”

Phil froze. There he was, looking into the eyes of Dan Howell. The dark brown eyes stared back into his, and he couldn’t tear his own eyes away. His brain froze along with his body; he was too mesmerized to even be able to think. And then it hit him; he bashed his crush’s fucking face in. “Yeah, you look great!” Phil exclaimed, a bit too bouncy. “I mean, you’re fine. Nothing bad happened. Your face looks like a completely normal face.” He scrunched up his face; that could not have gone any worse.

But Dan was chuckling. “Your face also looks like a completely normal face. Do you wanna go get some drinks?” he asked casually. “I can get you home, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Phil’s eyes widened, and he struggled to keep his mouth from falling open. He knew exactly what he wanted to say, but he was too nervous to get it out. His brain was working fine, but he was so terrified his body refused to cooperate with it. “Uh, yeah! I’d love to!”

“Nice.” Dan carefully pulled the door in and gestured for Phil to walk out. “This way you can’t hit anyone.”

Phil rolled his eyes, his nerves gradually melting away. He was still plenty nervous, his body a bit stiff, but at least he wasn’t fully panicking anymore. He had himself under control, despite not having a clue how to speak to Dan. Somehow, he had begun to go with the flow, and it appeared to be working. Dan seemed nice, with a compatible sense of humor to Phil’s, and he even seemed to like him already! Phil still had to pee, but he supposed he’d take what he could get.

“By the way,” Dan said, elbowing Phil as they made their way through the crowd, “you’re repaying me for that by buying our drinks.”

“That’s more than fair,” Phil chuckled.

They reached the bar where Gail was sitting. She took one look at Dan, and her mouth fell open so wide she could have fit her entire drink glass in it. “This is my friend Gail,” Phil said, giving her a look that told her she was acting ridiculous. She promptly shut her mouth. “She was about to leave, wasn’t she?” he said, gritting his teeth for the last two words.

“Oh, yeah,” she said with a grin. She stood up, grabbing her coat and patting Phil on the back, slipping him back his wallet. “See you at work.”

And then she was gone, and Phil was left alone with Dan. They ordered drinks and sat silently for a moment until it got maddening.

“So, you’re gonna tell me I’m hot and then not talk to me when we get drinks? I see how it is,” Dan said. His voice was intimidating yet obviously not cruel. Phil could tell Dan didn’t mean to scare him, but he was already a bit terrified of him, so his tone of voice, albeit joking, definitely didn’t help.

“I-I’m sorry; I’m just quite awkward around attractive people.” He delivered the compliment confidently; there really was no point in beating around the bush.

Dan shrugged, a slight blush stroking his cheeks. It was the first time Phil had seen him be anything but perfect. His curls were just as bouncy as they were in the ad, and when he smiled, he showed deep dimples. He had perfect teeth and chiseled cheekbones; he was truly perfect. “I get that. I used to be like that too until I started acting.”

“Oh, you’re an actor?” Phil asked. He wasn’t exactly sure why he said it, but it was barreling out in a desperate attempt to not make him seem like a fan. He wasn’t sure if Dan was even aware he had fans.

“Yeah, actually. Not any sort of famous one. My biggest gig was a department store Christmas commercial. It wasn’t much, but I got some money out of it, and I finally got to play a gay guy on screen. The whole ordeal, both the commercial and my acting career in general, really upped my confidence.” He looked Phil up and down, and Phil could tell he was aware of how nervous he was. “You should try stepping outside of your comfort zone some time; it really helps.” The bartender slid them their drinks, and they each took a sip.

“Believe me, I’m trying,” Phil said, spinning around on his barstool and gesturing to the room around him. The room was buzzing with activity; it was the last place one would expect to see Phil Lester. Phil was one to keep to himself, and that particular bar was a place for anything but. On the dance floor, a few dozen drunken people were screaming Despacito. Normally the scene would have scared the hell out of Phil, but he had more important things to worry about.

“Not a bar man?”

“More of a quiet bar man.”

“Well, then it’s time to try something new,” Dan said, slamming his drink on the table and taking Phil’s hand. Phil’s face flushed bright red, his body seizing up with nerves when Dan touched him, but Dan didn’t seem to notice. “Let’s go dancing.”

“Wait, what?” Phil barely had time to respond before he was whirled away from the bar and into the crowd, his only tether to reality being Dan’s hand. His nerves shot back up to an all time high, but the alcohol reaching his bloodstream was working to calm him down. He knew for a fact that he would have been shaking from head to toe had he been sober, but the sedative relaxed his nerves just enough to keep him cool. Phil wasn’t quite sure how to feel, or if he was even feeling in the first place. All in all, the only word he could think of to describe it was… exhilarating.

Phil wasn’t particularly experienced in the field of club dancing, but Dan attempted to help him. “Just bop, my dude!” he yelled over the blaring music. Phil tried to bop around and enjoy himself, but he just felt awkward. He was being jostled by people dancing around him, and one of the annoyingly bright dance floor lights was shining in his face. Had Dan not been there, he would have bolted immediately. Dan could obviously tell he was uncomfortable, because after a few minutes he grabbed his arm and pulled him towards a circle of people with one young man, no older than 25, break dancing inside. Phil didn’t even know dance circles existed outside of grade school dances. “Here,” Dan said, making a path for them to reach the front of the circle, “all you have to do here is enjoy yourself.”

Phil took a look at the man dancing inside the circle. He seemed to be enjoying himself; who was to say Phil couldn’t enjoy himself too? It wasn’t exactly a tall order. So he clapped along to the beat and watched as people around him switched in and out of the circle. It was like a dancing tag team, and eventually Dan slipped from the ranks and made his way into the circle himself.

Phil, the drunkenness starting to settle in, was very amused by this; Dan moved so gracefully to the song, feet keeping perfect balance with the time as he rotated on a nonexistent axis. His hips swung to the music, and Phil found it very attractive. Phil couldn’t help to smile at the sight of it. Somehow, Dan was even better in person. Not only was he prettier, but he had a certain aura that made Dan never want to leave his presence; he was the life of the party, but he would still take the time out to make sure Phil was enjoying himself.

“Come on!” Dan shouted, reaching out and pulling Phil into the circle.

“Wait, I don’t know about this!”

“Dance with me!”

Luckily, Dan already knew dancing wasn’t Phil’s affinity, nor was being put on the spot. Dan more than willingly led the way, spinning Phil in circles until he felt like he might throw up. It was all a blur to Phil, the world moving too fast for him to keep track. He ignored the urge to vomit, though, as it was overcome by pure joy and maybe even a little bit of love. His heart was racing, about as far up in his throat as the drinks he was struggling to keep down. As the song drew to an end, Dan tipped him back into his arm and launched him back up, gasping for air. People around them applauded, and the circle began to dissolve as a slower, less danceable song started to play.

Phil hadn’t felt that alive in years.

“That was incredible!” he shouted. He was being quite loud, but he didn’t even notice; he was high on adrenaline and completely oblivious to the world around him. All he saw was his own hand being held by Dan’s as they trekked back to the bar.

“Wasn’t it? I told you stepping out of your comfort zone would make you more confident! You did great!” Dan shouted back at him. At that point, they were well out of the range where they’d need to shout over the music, but neither of them cared.

They spun back into their seats and ordered another round, neither of them getting up again until Phil finally remembered how badly he had to piss. By that time, the night was winding down, and it was about time for each of them to go home.

Phil paid for the drinks (his wallet was hurting that night) as Dan got an Uber. Phil’s flat was closer, so they would go there first. They stepped out into the cold, sobering air and slid into the back of the Uber. Unsurprisingly, being outside for ten seconds didn’t make them any less drunk.

“Hey, Dan?” Phil asked, resting his tired head on Dan’s shoulder.

“Mmm?”

“I like you,” he said, smiling up at Dan’s glowing face.

Dan smiled back. “I like you too.” Dan gasped, pulling his phone out. “Do you wanna call me?”

Phil, somehow understanding the meaning of that sentence, perked up and nodded excitedly before pulling out his own phone and trading it with Dan’s. They each put in their numbers and started a text conversation to make sure their drunken thumbs hadn’t mistyped a digit.

The streets were relatively empty, given the time of night, so they got back to Phil’s flat quickly. Phil opened the door and the frigid air began to pour into the car. “Phil, wait!”

Phil slowly turned back to Dan, too intoxicated to realize what was coming next.

Dan leaned in close but stopped himself, eyes widening. “Can I kiss you?”

At least he was a respectful drunk.

Phil responded by leaning in himself. At first he ran straight into Dan’s nose, but rather than feeling awkward they simply both giggled before connecting their lips. Phil’s body panicked at first, but it quickly relaxed into the kiss. He thought he would have been overexcited, as he was earlier in the night, but the kiss was comfortable; he felt almost as if he were at home in Dan’s arms. It was a short kiss, but it sent warmth through Phil’s body despite the cold air blowing against him.

Phil slipped out of the car and got one last look at Dan as he closed the door. “Text me.”

The morning sun shone through the window as Phil blinked his eyes open. He groaned, feeling as if the sun was directly assaulting his brain. He was hung over, quite obviously so, and the sun definitely wasn’t helping. He picked up his pillow and forced it against his face, refusing to let any light reach his eyes. The morning was not treating him well.

Suddenly, Phil jerked up straight in his bed, remembering the previous night. “Ack!” he exclaimed, the light aggravating his headache. He dragged himself out of bed to close the blinds before searching his sheets for his phone. Eventually he found it and lowered the brightness before fumbling for his charger. He was a bit annoyed that his drunken self had forgot to plug in his phone, as he always charged it overnight, but his annoyance faded as soon as he unlocked the phone and saw it still open to his conversation with Dan from the night before.

It was an odd relief to see the conversation on his phone; it served as proof that he truly did have Dan Howell’s phone number. Until that point, a small part of him had been convinced the entirety of the night before was just a dream.

Should he text him? Was it too soon? Phil hadn’t even had a date in over a year. He hadn’t a clue where to go from there. Without the drunkenness protecting him, he was left with all his normal social anxieties. He decided to text Gail and ask for advice first, but she was of no help. She simply keysmashed into oblivion in excitement that Phil got Dan’s number. So Phil decided to leave it for a few minutes to get some food and try to cure his hangover.

When he came back, Dan had made the decision for him; he had a message already waiting for him. Phil gasped and snatched his phone off his bed, eyes glued to the screen.

Dan: hey

That was underwhelming. However, Phil still felt the overwhelming need to start a conversation, and a good one at that. He wanted to see Dan again, and he couldn’t fuck that up. He’d been head over heels for Dan since he saw him on a damn poster, and it was a miracle that he managed to meet him. He’d gotten so far; he had to make it work. He just had to.

Phil: Hey! Does your head hurt as bad as mine?

Dan: fuck, it really does. i feel like garbage atm (but tbf i am)

Phil: I mean me too but you’re not garbage :p

Dan: don’t use :p it’s 2019

Phil’s heart raced; was that wrong? Did he fuck up? His eyes darted wildly around the room in panic. How could he fix that? Did Dan think he was lame? He typed the only thing he could think of.

Phil: sorry

Dan: lmfao it’s fine :p

Phil: Hey!

Dan: hehe :)

Phil: This is unfair

Dan: as it should be :)

Dan: so do u wanna meet up again sometime?

Phil: hell yeah! When?

Dan: tonight good?

Phil: Sure! But we’re not getting hammered tonight I have work tomorrow morning

Dan: fair enough

Dan: meet u at yours at 6?

Dan: i’ve got plans covered :)

Phil: rad!

Dan: seriously, don’t say that. it’s 2019.

Phil: :( you’re no fun

Phil: See you tonight :)

Dan: see you :)

Phil struggled to get through the day without texting Dan. He already missed him, and he wanted to keep talking to him, but they hadn’t even gone on a date yet. He couldn’t just text him all day. So Phil spent the impossibly slow day watching anime and scrolling through social media. He texted Gail in the morning, but eventually he abandoned that conversation because all she did was remind him of his upcoming date. Time only managed to pass slower and slower.

Finally, the clocks rolled around to 5:30, and Phil started getting ready. Anxiety crept into his stomach as he tried to pick out an outfit. He didn’t want to overdress, but he didn’t want to underdress either. He tore through his closet looking for anything that was presentable enough to wear on a date; usually Phil wore either quirky jumpers or his work clothes. Finally, after making an absolute mess of his room, he decided on a nice, blue button-up with and a pair of black jeans and went to look at himself in the mirror. Hands shaking, he slicked back his quiff and took a deep breath. He looked good, he told himself in a futile attempt to calm his nerves.

After the saga of choosing something to wear, it was nearly six. Phil barely managed to finish getting ready before he heard his doorbell ring. He rushed to answer it and was relieved to find Dan dressed about as casually as him. “You look great,” Dan said with a smile. Phil couldn’t help but notice Dan’s dimples pop out of his cheeks; he was absolutely adorable, and Phil nearly froze both from nerves and from infatuation.

“As do you!” he blurted out. He hadn’t a clue if he’d come across as such, but he was just about as nervous as the night before.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah, let me just grab a coat.” Phil peeked around his door and pried a dark coat off the hanger. It was a heavy coat, but the night was cold and Phil hadn’t a clue where they were going.

The taxi Dan took to Phil’s apartment was still waiting for them, and they piled into the backseat. The driver took off without instruction; Dan must have told him where to go on the ride there. They were silent for the majority of the cab ride; Phil was much too anxious to speak. Every time he even thought about saying something, he felt nauseous. He knew there was a chemistry between them that would come out if they started talking, but he didn’t know how to initiate that conversation.

“We’re almost here; don’t look,” Dan said, pulling Phil towards him so he couldn’t look out the window. Phil blushed a bit as his thigh grazed against Dan, but he was starting to get at least a little bit more accustomed to Dan’s physical presence.

Phil laughed. “Dan, I live in London. I know where we are.”

Dan furrowed his brow in fake anger as the cab stopped. He paid the driver and slid across the backseat to follow Phil out onto the curb.

“You know, I’ve never actually been to the planetarium before.”

It was Dan’s turn to laugh. “Clearly you haven’t, because this isn’t a planetarium. This is a restaurant called The Planetarium.”

“Oh,” Phil said in a small voice. “That’s misleading.”

“It’s awesome though. The ceiling is clear, so you can see all the stars. And in case you haven’t noticed, it’s getting dark.”

“A starlit meal?” Phil asked as they entered the dark restaurant. There was a fountain in the center of the restaurant that was sculpted in the shape of the solar system. Water rolled over the planets as they rotated around a lit sun. It was an architectural feat he’d never seen the likes of before. The rest of the dining area wasn’t any less impressive; every table was lit by candlelight, and he was probably the most casually dressed person there. “That actor’s salary must go a long way,” he joked.

“Howell,” Dan said to the hostess. He even had a reservation! Dan had obviously put plenty of effort into this date, and Phil wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. He felt a warm love in his stomach because of it, but he also felt like he had some high standards to live up to.

Dan turned to Phil and smiled. “Definitely not. Usually I struggle a bit, but that Christmas advert paid the big bucks. That’s only a once in a few years sort of gig, though. I was quite lucky to have it.” He seemed fairly modest about his career, but he was obviously proud of the advert, and Phil certainly couldn’t blame him.

“Oh, no, you shouldn’t spend your money on me! You should save it!” Phil whined, his mouth falling open. He felt….guilty, almost, for drawing that much money out of Dan’s wallet. The anxious feeling in his stomach had been fading, but that brought it back just enough to bother him again.

“Nonsense,” he said, waving his hand, “sometimes you’ve just got to live in the moment. It’s worth it.”

Phil wanted to respond, but a waiter was ready to take them to their table. They were seated near the fountain, allowing Phil to admire it from closer up. “This is incredible,” he said, eyes glued to the water flowing down the orbit of Neptune as he took off his jacket.

“It really is,” Dan responded, a soft smile on his face. It was a smile Phil hadn’t seen yet--one of content. Dan appeared almost mesmerized by the fountain. He gave a peaceful smile, and it gave Phil some peace as well. “It gets better, though,” he said, tapping Phil’s hand to get his attention. “Look up.”

It was a clear night in the dark restaurant, and when Phil looked up through the clear ceiling he could see the entire night sky. The moon wasn’t in view yet, but the stars glimmered overhead and reminded him of Dan’s commercial. Phil was amazed that the stars were so visible from the center of a restaurant dining room, especially since they were in the middle of London; he could see every constellation in the sky. “Wow.”

“Wow is right.”

They picked up their menus, and Phil was astounded once again. The food was just as expensive as he assumed. “Dan! I can’t let you pay for all this!”

“Then don’t.”

“Okay, well, I certainly can’t pay for it.”

“Then let me.” He smiled slyly and Phil rolled his eyes. There was no winning that battle.

Phil ordered the least expensive thing off the menu and watched Dan order some fancy fish he couldn’t even pronounce the name of. Of course, neither could Dan, but Phil assumed that was a common occurrence, as the waiter simply laughed and took down the order on his notepad.

“Glad to hear you’re still a normal person who can’t pronounce foreign names,” Phil said.

Dan chuckled. “I’m no celebrity, nor can I speak French.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not French, but okay.”

“Too bad, because we don’t have our menus anymore. Now we’ll never know.”

Phil snapped his fingers in fake disappointment. “Darn.”

They both broke out into a quiet laugh as Phil’s anxiety dissipated. The conversation was all he needed for his muscles to finally relax. He knew he’d be able to speak with Dan; he just had to get it going, and once he did, it went wonderfully.

The wait for their food was obnoxiously long, but they managed to entertain themselves with conversation. Phil was shocked; a few minutes earlier, he hadn’t been able to speak with Dan, and then suddenly he couldn’t stop. It was magical, to him, in a sense.

“I blame your freaky fish,” Phil said, becoming tired of waiting for the food. “I just got pasta and chicken.”

“Maybe it’s your crazy chicken!” Dan argued.

“Are we just putting adjectives in front of meats now?”

“I guess so.”

They laughed again, a constant of the evening. The people around them were giving them looks; they definitely didn’t belong in that restaurant. They were two normal people in a house for extremely rich people, and they weren’t faring well. But neither of them cared, and they just kept on laughing. The laughter brought Phil a certain joy he hadn’t felt in longer than he could remember; it had been so long since he’d smiled so much his cheeks started to hurt, and he didn’t realize how much he missed it until he was doing it again. When the food did come, he was almost sad the conversation had to slow down.

The food was incredible. Of course, for those prices, Phil would have been angry if it wasn’t, but he enjoyed his simple pasta dish, and Dan seemed to enjoy whatever the hell he had on his plate.

After the food was eaten, the waiter came back and read them the dessert menu. At the end, they looked at each other.

“Solar system sundae,” they said in unison. The waiter simply smiled, nodded, and walked away.

They spent the next twenty minutes demolishing the biggest ice cream sundae either of them had ever seen. It was in a circular pan only a couple inches deep, and it had a simple vanilla base, but it was then coated in chocolate fudge and had planets drawn on it in different syrups and icings.

“Dan…” Phil trailed off, his breathing heavy. “Can’t...eat...any more ice cream,” he breathed out, hand shaking as he shoveled another bite into his mouth.

Dan laughed, but he wasn’t doing much better. “It’s so good...but I’m so full!”

“On three,” Phil said, “we put down the spoons. Okay?”

Dan nodded. “One.”

“Two.”

“Three!” they yelled at the same time, each of them slamming their spoons down on the table. There was a collective groan from the two of them.

“I don’t want to move,” Phil complained.

“Luckily,” Dan choked out, “you barely have to.”

Phil raised an eyebrow as Dan gestured to a patch of fake grass Phil hadn’t noticed before. There were benches around the grass where couples sat and chatted, but Phil much preferred the concept of lying aimlessly on the grass and admiring the sky. “Would you like to stargaze while you digest?”

Phil smiled both at Dan and at the concept of lying on the floor for a while. “I’d love to.”

Dan paid the check, and they stood up and made their way over to the stargazing grass. Phil laid down and looked up at the constellations, snuggling up under his jacket. “Hey, leave some blanket for me!” Dan said, jokingly nudging Phil as he laid down beside him. He promptly pulled some of the jacket onto him as he nestled up to Phil.

“The stars are amazing,” Phil said dreamily, “how did we get lucky enough to have such a clear night?”

“Dunno,” Dan whispered back, “same way I got lucky enough to find you.”

“That was so cheesy,” Phil teased.

“And so is this.” Dan leaned up and pressed his lips to Phil’s, and Phil’s body filled with life. It was their first kiss they shared with neither of them being intoxicated, and it was just as wonderful, if not more. In that moment, that was all Phil felt: wonder.

After a moment they pulled apart, and Phil smiled. “That was definitely cheesy, but I’ll give you a pass because I’ve always wanted to kiss someone under the stars.”

“Glad to check that one off your bucket list,” Dan said, beaming.

They returned to their original position of simple closeness, and Phil was more than content. He felt like he could lie there in Dan’s presence forever. He so wished he could, but he knew he couldn’t.

“I don’t feel gross anymore, do you?” Dan asked him in a whisper. It was a simple conversation, but it felt like an intimate experience kept just for the two of them. Phil shook his head. “Are you ready to go?”

“Am I going home?” Phil asked, and Dan nodded. “Then not really,” Phil replied, “I want to stay with you.”

Dan chuckled, breaking into a smile. “You know, me too.” He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “How about this?” Dan sighed happily, “You’ve got to get some sleep and work tomorrow morning, and I’ve got some lines to learn for a shoot tomorrow. We meet up at the Eye tomorrow at seven and go see a movie. You know, just for the sake of being together. Does that sound good?”

“That sounds wonderful.”

They hailed another cab to drive them home, and they refused to break contact throughout the ride. Thighs pressed together, they felt as if they were at home in each other’s presence. They each craved the same feeling of safety that came from simply being in the same space.

This time, Dan’s flat came first on the route home. It was a simple building, a little bit nicer than Phil’s, but it was nothing special. It was a bit comforting to see that Dan truly was no celebrity; he was simply a normal person, perfect for Phil, the most normal person on the planet.

They kissed goodbye and let their touch linger as they separated. As they pulled apart, Phil felt as if a part of him was being dragged away from his person. Neither of them wanted him to leave, but it was necessary. There was an empty feeling in the air as the door shut and the space between them began to grow, but Phil was comforted with the knowledge that they’d meet again in a short day.

He sighed as he leaned back against the headrest. Finally, all his emotions truly began to hit him, and he couldn’t help but smile. After all those hours spent staring at the posters, he’d finally gotten to truly know Dan, and damnit, Phil was in love with him.

Phil hated the day at work leading up to his second date with Dan. Not only did he have to wait, making the day longer, but he also had to put up with Gail annoying him the entire time.

“So, how was the date?” she pried, raising an eyebrow as she elbowed Phil.

“Good,” Phil said, monotone.

“Second date?”

“Tonight.”

She squealed like the fangirl she was. “Where are you going? What are you doing? Are you excited?”

“Yes, Gail, I’m excited,” he said, rolling his eyes as he put up a sign. Of course it had to be sign day; everything had to fall into place for Gail to have as much time as possible to bother him about Dan. “We’re going to the Eye, and I don’t know what we’re doing. Apparently he likes planning dates.”

“That’s so cute. I can’t believe this actually worked out!”

“Neither can I, but you know what I believe?”

“What?”

Phil turned to face her and gave her a stern look. “You being so utterly annoying about it.”

Gail pouted, refusing to make eye contact with him. “Sorry. But you’ve got to admit, it would never have happened without me.”

“Fine, fine. Just come up with at least ONE other conversation topic.”

“Deal.”

Although it certainly didn’t cease, the annoyance decreased throughout the day. Their morning routine was basically back to normal, despite seeming to last twice as long as it did. Phil and Gail worked adjacent registers in the afternoon, and she actually managed to help the time pass.

Mid-afternoon, they started a conversation about their favorite television shows and only stopped talking whenever a customer showed up at either of their registers. They probably weren’t supposed to be spending so much time talking. In fact, Phil knew they weren’t supposed to be spending so much time talking. But the conversation made the shift manageable, and he couldn’t have been more thankful for that. There was no better reminder of why he was friends with Gail.

“Good luck,” she said to him as he left for the Underground after his shift. It was the first time in hours she had mentioned it, but this time it was in good faith. He nodded, a soft, genuine smile on his face.

He took the train home simply to change into nicer clothes and then headed back out to catch a train to the Eye. He managed to lay out an outfit before he left that morning, so he would be a bit early, but he didn’t want to risk something happening on the train and making him late. Besides, he was starving. He knew he’d get dinner with Dan, but it couldn’t hurt to pick something up in between the station and the Eye.

Phil stepped onto the platform at the station nearest to the Eye at 6:30. He stopped at a Starbucks on the way and picked up a small muffin to snack on as he walked. He managed to arrive fifteen minutes early and take a seat on a bench near the Eye. He looked up at the wheel and let it mesmerize him as he nibbled his muffin. The slow circulation of the Eye was quite calming. Watching it slowly rotate numbed his mind and effectively calmed his nerves.

He finished his muffin and pulled out his phone to check the time; it was 6:03. Phil raised an eyebrow and glanced around him; Dan was nowhere to be found. He quickly shot a text to Dan saying that he was there and on a bench and opened a game on his phone. Dan must have gotten caught up in traffic; either that or the tube managed to fuck up. Neither would be surprising. He played a couple levels of his game, and Dan still hadn’t arrived. He texted asking Dan if he was alright; by then he was fifteen minutes late.

Phil sat for a few more minutes and stared at the Eye, the main source of light in the night sky. The spokes of the wheel were lit in various colors; the rhythmic change from color to color was soothing before, but it didn’t relieve his fear anymore. It was getting late, and Phil was freezing. Phil dialed Dan’s number, but he didn’t answer. He bit his lip; he was starting to get concerned on multiple levels. Was Dan alright? Had something happened? Nearly as bad, had he simply ghosted Phil?

Phil tapped the ‘Favorites’ tab in his Phone app and called the first number on the list.

“Gail?”

“Yeah?” she answered. “Why are you calling me? Aren’t you on your date?”

“Should be,” he said, disgruntled.

“What happened?” Her concern was evident; for once, Phil was grateful for how much she cared about his love life.

“How long do you stay before deciding someone stood you up?”

He heard a sigh through the phone. “Oh, Phil… I’m so sorry.” He wasn’t planning on crying over it, but hearing her sympathy made him fight back tears. Phil struggled to maintain even breaths, the pain pooling in his throat from restricting his tears. He wasn’t angry at that point; he simply felt like human garbage. He was in his thirties and he needed sympathy over getting stood up on a date. It was pathetic. “Did you text him? Call him?”

“Did both; he didn’t answer.”

“Do you want to come over and hang out with me?”

Phil’s first instinct was to say yes; bad dates were Phil and Gail’s best nights. Whenever one of them had a bad date, they’d go to the other’s flat and eat enough ice cream that they didn’t care anymore. That wouldn’t work this time; the ice cream simply reminded him of Dan. Besides, something was nagging at him, telling him to go somewhere else.

“Actually, I think I’ve got another idea. Thanks for the offer though. Be sure to keep it open; I may show up later if this ends up sucking ass.”

“It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Phil wiped the freezing tears out of his eyes and stood up, taking one last look around for Dan. He took a deep breath and marched back towards the tube station. He had new plans.

After a few Google searches, Phil found himself at the bar where he first met Dan. He wasn’t quite sure why he’d brought himself there; he assumed his brain thought it to be a good way to grieve. Again, he didn’t understand why, but there he was, rolling with his impulse.

He stepped into the bar and took a seat, ordering a glass of liquor. He usually was one for more fruity drinks, but at that point he just craved the warm, familiar feeling of drunkenness. He wanted to feel the way he felt when he fell for Dan in real life. He wanted a fuzzy mindset that would wash away his sadness. He didn’t care how he got there.

A couple drinks later, someone swiveled into a stool a few spots down from him. “Phew,” they exhaled, obviously coming straight off the dance floor. “Usual,” they said to the bartender.

Even drunk, Phil would recognize that voice anywhere.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He turned to Dan, his eyes piercing into Dan’s skin with anger. His vision was a bit blurry, but he could still see Dan’s fear.

“Oh, shit, Phil, I-”

“Don’t ‘oh shit’ me! You blew me off!”

“No, I didn’t mean to, I genuinely just forgot, I swear!”

Phil’s mouth fell open, his body shaking with rage. “You forgot? You forgot you had a date! That’s significantly worse than just blowing it off!” he snarled.

Dan exhaled through his nose, trying to find words. “Listen, I’m sorry. There’s more to this than meets the eye.”

Before Phil could respond, a man came from the direction of the bathrooms. He approached Dan and put his hand on his shoulder. “Hey, babe. You got our drinks?”

Phil’s body relaxed, the tension in his muscles relieving as he realized he hadn’t the remaining energy to be angry. At that point, he wasn’t even sure he could call his emotion anger. More, he felt a certain understanding he hadn’t had before. Finally, he knew what was going on, and as much as it hurt him, it was almost relieving.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he said to Dan, taking out some money from his wallet for his drinks and slamming it on the bar, “there is more to this than meets the eye. Thanks, Dan.”

He pushed himself off of the barstool and stormed off; Dan didn’t bother to follow him. He pulled open the door and stepped outside, letting the cold air hit his face. As the cold sobered him, his feelings didn’t change. Phil took a train to Gail’s flat, not because he wanted to spend time with her, but because it was farther away than his own home. All Phil wanted in that moment was to put as much distance between him and that bar as he possibly could. He succeeded, and he never went back to that bar again.

~ Five Years Later ~

“Finally.” Phil sighed as he crossed a red x over the fifth of July on his calendar. The sixth was circled for a very special reason. “One more day and I can get out of this hellhole.”

It had been three years since Gail found a new job. It paid twice as much as her shitty retail job, and it actually had room for improvement. Room for a better life.

Of course, she and Phil remained friends, but they didn’t see each other nearly as often as they used to. She still lived in her old flat for a while, and they met there often, but then she found a girlfriend and moved into her flat. Phil even went to their wedding, but it wasn’t nearly as happy for him as he hoped it would be. He basically watched Gail get her life together while he was still stuck in the same rut.

Shortly after Gail left, Phil decided to go back to university. He’d started going after secondary school, but some things had come up and he ended up having to quit, throwing him into the dead-end retail job he’d held for twelve years. As he watched his only friend move up in the world, he decided he couldn’t sit still any longer.

Of course, he still had to work his retail job for money while he got an education, which basically made his life a living hell. He couldn’t work as many hours, and he never had any free time, let alone time to try and find someone to settle down with as Gail did. Undoubtedly, it was the worst three years of his life.

But finally, he’d finished his degree from years ago, and he’d gotten a job in filmmaking. He would be working on a commercial, and he started July 6th. Although he was absolutely terrified to start the new job, he felt as if he was a prisoner finishing his sentence; he could finally leave his old job.

His last day at the retail job was undoubtedly the best; they even had a party for him. He didn’t particularly care much, as he had virtually no friends in the store without Gail there, but the cake was good, and there was nothing that had ever given him more joy than walking out of the store for the last time.

The next morning, after an anxious night of little sleep, Phil walked in to his first day on set. He would be the assistant to the director of the commercial, and it paid about as much as his retail job did. From there, he’d hopefully be able to move up in the industry. It was scary, but anything was better than retail.

“Phil!” the director called out, walking towards him with a spring in his step, “good to see you. Meet our actors.”

A few adults followed behind him, and all but one waved at him. He didn’t take much notice in them; he was doing his best to pay attention to the director. “Meet Emma, Riley, Will, and Dan.” He looked down the line at all the faces and gave a smile and a wave to them each as he said their names. But when he got to Dan, his smile quickly turned to a frown. He’d gained a few age lines on his face that he didn’t have before, but it didn’t take from his features; he was still as attractive as ever, if not more. Other than that, he simply appeared more mature. In front of Phil was a man who knew the ins and outs of life.

“Hi, Dan,” he said, his voice quiet and stern.

“Hey,” Dan said, a tint of shame in his tone.

The director simply looked confused. “Do you two know each other?” Each of them nodded, and he nodded in understanding. “Ah, well, whatever happened in the past is in the past now. Let’s get going with production!” The director clapped his hands, and Phil turned and walked as far away from Dan as fast as he could. The last thing he wanted was to ruin his first job in the film industry by causing drama with his ex-boyfriend.

The morning went seamlessly; they got all the shots they needed with the first set and took lunch while the crew replaced it with the next. Phil took his lunch and kept to himself, eating in a corner away from all the actors and even from the director. Still, he couldn’t avoid the inevitable.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” As expected, Dan was standing over him, wringing his hands. He was biting his lip in an anxiety Phil had never seen from him before; usually Dan was the confident one, but he was a nervous wreck.

Phil sighed. He didn’t much want to talk to Dan, but he decided it was probably best to just let him talk and get it over with. “Sit down,” he said, defeated.

“I just wanted to say...I’m really, REALLY sorry about what happened a few years ago. If you don’t want to hear me out, I completely understand, but I’d really like to explain myself.”

Dan? Showing him respect? What a feat. “Might as well listen. Maybe it’ll be fun,” he said, straightfaced and full of resentment.

“Okay, so you’re still mad. I can’t blame you. But let me just explain what happened,” Dan pleaded.

He paused, and Phil gestured for him to continue. “I’m not getting any younger.”

“Well, I was in a long term relationship with a man who I was in love with. He, however, didn’t love me, and was extremely manipulative. He had broken up with me about a week before I met you. I was empty, and when I found you, I felt like a little bit of that void he left inside me was filled. So I went out with you, and I made plans for a second date. And I swear, I really did plan on meeting you that night. And that was when he texted me.” Dan sounded almost ashamed of his past relationship; he’d obviously been taken advantage of, and he wasn’t happy to admit it.

“I want to stress how head over heels I was for this guy. He had me in his trap; I would have done anything for him. He told me he missed me, and I fell right back in. I know now that I should have ignored him. I should have gone with you instead. But this guy just had some terrifying control over my brain. He was my number one priority, to the point that when he texted me I completely forgot you even existed. I know, that’s shitty. That’s what you told me when it happened. But believe me...my relationship was fucked up.”

“Clearly,” Phil interrupted, still struggling to let go of his years-old bitterness. He couldn’t help but feel a bit sympathetic, but he wasn’t particularly ready to react positively.

“I… completely understand if you can’t forgive me. Obviously I’d love it if you could, but I probably wouldn’t be able to forgive me either. Just know that I’m not that person anymore. I’ve been to therapy; I’ve dealt with my shit…. it’s been a wild five years.”

Phil chuckled. “Same here.”

“So, are we okay?” he asked tentatively.

There was a long pause for thought before Phil could answer. First, he thought back five years. So much had changed since then. Five years was a hell of a long time, and Phil, too, had become a different person since then. But he still remembered the happiness he felt on the one date he had with Dan, eating ice cream and lying under the stars. It was a certain type of joy he wasn’t sure he’d felt yet. Plus, Phil decided Dan had somehow gotten even more attractive as he aged.

“Yeah, we’re good.”

Dan exhaled, a smile of relief crossing his face. “Good.”

As the shoot went on, Phil learned that Dan wasn’t lying. It was obvious just from how he interacted with both Phil and others that he really had changed. Even back then he seemed like a nice guy, but now it was on a different scale. The way he cared for other people, the way he cared for himself...he really had dealt with his shit, and he’d grown from it.

After a few days, the shoot wrapped up. Phil wasn’t worried about his future; he’d worked with the director to line up a few more shoots to work at. The first shoot went off without a hitch, and he was content with the fact that he might have a future in the industry. Things were going well for him; he was ready to move on with his life.

But Dan wasn’t.

“Hey, Phil, wait up!” he heard Dan shout from behind him as he was walking to the station to take a train home. Dan ran to catch up with him. “Okay, okay,” he panted, trying to gather himself. Phil stopped walking to give him a chance to catch his breath.

“Listen, Phil, I know this is a long shot, but-” he blinked hard, and it was obvious that he thought he was being ridiculous, “I like you. I liked you years ago, and now that I’ve met you again, I still like you. I know things went horribly last time, but I’ve gotten rid of those terrible influences that drove me to hurt you, and-” he threw his hands at his sides. “it just doesn’t feel right to let you walk out of my life again. I shouldn’t have let you leave the first time, and I can’t make that mistake again.”

He stood in silence for a moment, looking like a deer in headlights. Phil smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Is this you asking me out?”

A small bit of color entered Dan’s previously pale face, but he still appeared a being of pure fear. “Yeah! Yeah, that, um-” his eyes darted wildly around the parking lot; he obviously didn’t think he’d get that far, “could I take you out for some drinks? Maybe? Tomorrow night? I promise I’ll show up this time.”

Phil smiled. Something told him this was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. “Yeah, I’d like that.” He watched as pure relief replaced the panic on Dan’s face, and he couldn’t help but smile wider. “Same apartment. See you tomorrow.”

“Great!” he shouted as Phil began to walk away. “Seven?”

“Seven!” Phil called back to him.

“Awesome!”

Suddenly, Phil turned on his heel. “Oh, and Dan?” A few feet had been put between them, and Phil began making up the distance. “If you fuck this one up, I will NEVER talk to you again. Deal?”

By then, he was standing right in front of Dan. He stuck his hand out, and Dan, regaining a small amount of confidence, offered Phil his own.

“Deal.”

About a year later, Phil took great joy in inviting Gail to his own wedding.