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Tyler has never been a physically affectionate type. He appreciates his personal space, usually avoids any form of physical contact with other people and most of the time, he chooses to greet fans with handshakes or fist-bumps.
Josh respects Tyler’s choices. It’s just the way his best friend has always been and probably will always be. Josh loves him nonetheless because he doesn’t need Tyler to climb into his lap ten times a day to prove how close they are. Tyler is special and their friendship is unique.
But sometimes Tyler gets curious. He watches and analyzes, and Josh can literally see the gears working in his head at double speed.
Josh never says anything, he doesn’t push Tyler to explain. He tried it once and it didn’t end well. Now, he keeps his distance, although he always asks if Tyler is okay. Tyler always gives him an affirmative nod even if his squinted eyes and a slightly troubled expression on his face say otherwise. Josh knows that Tyler will come to him in his own time. That’s how they work.
Meet-ups and signings are challenging. While Josh is the first one to interact with fans, Tyler tries to stay back. He smiles politely and talks to them, he shakes their hands and tries to discreetly flip their wrists - just to check, just to know their story a bit better. But they always want hugs, they ask for hugs, sometimes they go for a hug without his permission and Tyler tries his best not to look like an asshole while taking an instinctive step back and fighting the panic that immediately takes over his body.
Sometimes he’s convinced that people like Josh more than him. Josh is soft, Josh is warm, Josh is all smiles and positive energy. Josh is understanding. Sometimes he’s the one going for a hug when someone is clearly too shy to ask for one. If there are five hundred people in line, Josh will give five hundred hugs or more. Because most of the time, one hug is not enough.
Tyler is jealous. And confused.
„When you hug people...” Tyler starts but his voice trails off. He’s standing in the middle of the dressing room, crumpling the ski-mask in his hands. He doesn’t even look at Josh. He swallows and his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. „What do you feel?”
„What do you mean?” Josh frowns. He finishes tying his shoelaces and straightens up.
Tyler hesitates. He bites the inside of his cheek, exhales heavily and shakes his head in defeat.
„Nevermind.” He sighs, turns on his heel and leaves the room.
Tyler becomes more alert. He spies. He observes. He makes sure to watch Josh’s body language and expressions on his face when he’s embracing someone.
„What do you think I feel when I hug someone?” The drummer asks casually one day on their way to the hotel, after catching Tyler staring at him during their short meet-and-greet with a small group of fans who won a radio contest.
Tyler looks at the busy street through the window of the car.
„It’s hard to tell.” He says, pushing his hands inside the front pocket of his hoodie.
„Try to guess? You looked at me long enough today to have a theory.”
Tyler rests his forehead on the cold glass and Josh never gets the answer.
Even if Josh is mostly a giver, sometimes he needs to receive a hug or two too. Even if he seems to be a ray of sunshine that never gets upset, there are days when he feels stressed, angry, sad and anxious like any other human being. When Tyler gets in one of his moods, he chooses loneliness. He avoids people, stays in his bunk for hours, he doesn’t talk. Josh is the opposite. He seeks company, someone to talk to, someone to be physically close to.
Tyler catches him with Mark, on the couch in the back studio of the tour bus. They have their arms wrapped around each other and Josh’s face is hidden in the crook of Mark’s neck. Tyler looks at them for a long moment, looks at the way Mark runs his fingers through Josh’s hair, looks at the way the drummer’s shoulders shake uncontrollably.
„Is he okay?” Tyler dares to ask. It’s all he can do. It’s all he’s capable of.
Josh stills at his unexpected presence but doesn’t pull away.
„He will be.” Mark says, lowering his hand and resting it on Josh’s back. He starts massaging his stiff muscles. „He will be.”
Tyler has never thought about it much but now, it’s something that keeps him awake at night.
„Am I a bad friend?” He asks himself, staring at the ceiling of his bunk.
His whisper mixes with gentle snores of the crew members sleeping in their beds and a quiet buzz of the moving bus. There’s a rustling sound above him and Tyler can picture Josh rolling onto his other side. But then his best friend’s voice and a colorful arm hanging down right next to his face bring him back to reality.
„Hey.” Josh says quietly, blindly searching for Tyler with his hand. He can’t reach. Tyler’s too close to the wall. „You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
Tyler’s eyes start to sting but he smiles, he bites his bottom lip to stop himself from sobbing and reaches out to entwine their fingers together. Josh squeezes his hand. They don’t let go until morning.
The next time Tyler sees Josh hugging someone is when Brad comes up to them before the show with his good luck wishes. He high-fives Tyler and wraps his arms around Josh in a tight hug. When they pull away, he quickly disappears around the corner with his camera.
„Is it comforting?” Tyler asks and Josh looks at him, pulling the hood of his oversized green hoodie over his head.
„Very.”
„Okay.”
It’s three in the morning when Tyler wanders to Josh’s hotel room. When Josh lets him in, wide awake and bare-chested, Tyler walks inside and closes the door behind him. He rests his back against the hard dark wood.
„Couldn’t sleep?” Josh asks and Tyler shakes his head. „Me neither. Do you want to binge-watch something on Netflix?”
„I want a hug.”
Josh turns around so quickly that his foot gets caught on the corner of the rug. He stumbles but regains his balance and looks at Tyler with wide eyes. He must have heard wrong.
„You… what?”
„I had a nightmare. Can I stay here?”
„No, no.” Josh blinks, pointing his finger at his chest. „Repeat that. Repeat the same exact thing you said, like, ten seconds ago.”
Tyler escapes before Josh can react.
„Tyler. Ty.” Josh whispers, gently tapping the door with the tip of his pointing finger. He looks around the empty hallway. „Please, let me in before someone beats me up for disturbing their beauty sleep.”
Tyler unlocks the door but doesn’t open it. Josh takes it as permission to come in.
„I want to be normal.” The singer says before Josh even walks inside.
„You are normal.” Josh frowns, closing the door behind him. He walks further inside the room but doesn’t get anywhere near Tyler.
„If I was normal...” Tyler takes a shaky breath. „I wouldn’t-”
„You are normal.”
Tyler starts crying. Josh doesn’t dare to move.
„I want you to hug me.” Tyler says between sobs. „But at the same time, when I think about, I want to jump out of the window.”
„If you want to try, I can guide you through it. We can take it slow, extremely slow, we’ll go at your pace and you can always say no if it gets too weird. I won’t tackle you in a bear hug, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Josh says softly. „Do you trust me?”
Tyler nods and closes his eyes. Josh crosses the room in a few slow steps and stops in front of his best friend.
„Look at me. I want you to look at me. I want you to see what I’m doing.”
When their eyes meet, Josh smiles. He rests his hands on Tyler’s cheeks and uses his thumbs to brush off the tears. Then he takes Tyler’s sweaty and shaking hands in his own. This is the safest ground. This is the only type of skin-on-skin contact the other man knows.
„Sorry.” Tyler whispers. He’s nervous. Josh doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for.
„It’s okay. We can stop.”
„N-no.”
„Okay. Look, I will wrap my arms around you now. Don’t be afraid to lean on me but don’t hesitate to pull away anytime you want.”
Josh moves a little bit closer, lifts his arms and pulls Tyler in, as gently as possible. When their chests finally settle against each other, Josh holds Tyler, keeping one hand on his back and uses the other to gently stroke his hair. Tyler doesn’t hug him back. It’s fine. Josh knows it’s a lot. Not wanting to overwhelm him, he pulls back after a few seconds and lets Tyler wrap his mind around their interaction.
His eyes are closed and he takes quick, shallow breaths.
„Can you do that again?” Tyler asks shyly, avoiding any eye-contact.
Josh pulls him in again without a word. This time, Tyler relaxes more. He copies Josh, lets his hands rest on the drummer’s back and after finding his courage, he puts his head on Josh’s shoulder. The embrace is still loose – Josh makes sure to give Tyler the opportunity to end the hug whenever he feels like it.
The unexpected happens when Tyler fists the material of Josh’s t-shirt and pushes his nose even harder against Josh’s collarbone. He whimpers like a wounded animal but doesn’t pull away. If anything, he forces Josh to hug him even tighter.
It’s strange, being this close to Tyler after so many years of doing handshakes and keeping distance.
„Look at you.” Josh says proudly, rubbing the spot between Tyler’s shoulder blades. „You’re doing it. I’m so proud of you. How are you feeling?”
„I don’t know.” Tyler mumbles and then he collapses in Josh’s arms.
His knees give out underneath him and if it wasn’t for the hug, Tyler would probably hit the ground. Josh picks him up easily, carries him to the bed and sits at the edge of the mattress with his heart pounding inside his chest. He has no idea what’s going on in his best friend’s head.
„Tyler?”
„I’m sorry, I’m- I want- Can... Can you stay?” He asks quietly.
Josh climbs on the bed. He lies on his back and turns his head to face Tyler. He makes sure to leave a lot of free space between their bodies but Tyler seems to have a completely different idea. He rolls onto his side, shifts closer to Josh and rests his head on the drummer’s chest. He whimpers again, begging Josh to hold him.
The realization hits Josh out of nowhere: Tyler is touch-starved. Through all these years he’s made himself believe that intimacy is something horrible. He’s gotten so used to avoiding physical contact and fearing it that the lack of touch has made him lonely, sad and angry at the world. Now, once he found out that there’s nothing to be afraid of, once the mental stop sign vanished, he desperately craves the closeness and tries to make up for lost time.
„Do you want to cuddle?” Josh asks, wrapping his arm around Tyler’s shoulders.
„I’ve never cuddled anyone.” Tyler whispers, like it’s the biggest secret.
„It’s basically what we did before. Like a horizontal hug. You just gotta relax and listen to your body.”
Tyler nods. He almost climbs on top of Josh while making himself comfortable, places his ear right above Josh’s heart, hesitantly links their ankles together. Josh doesn’t let him go, he fixes his grip around Tyler’s frame and covers both of their bodies with a warm blanket. He kisses the top of Tyler’s head.
„I’m sorry.”
„You’re okay.” Josh assures.
Tyler cries again. He’s not sad. He’s relieved.
In the morning, Josh finds himself locked in an octopus-like grip with his mouth full of dark fluff. It’s probably the most peaceful Tyler has looked and acted in a while. Josh smiles to himself and runs his fingers through Tyler’s hair until he wakes up and stretches. He pushes his face into the crook of Josh’s neck and lets out a soft noise of satisfaction.
„Thank you.” He says. He doesn’t need to specify what he’s thanking for. Josh knows.
„How do you feel?”
Tyler pauses.
„Loved.” He says after a moment. „I feel loved.”