Chapter Text
“Alright, ladies, the game is Monopoly. It’s basically about buying things and capitalism and property management and the only rules I can remember right now are that you get two hundred dollars when you pass GO, and I get to be the hat.” Jean rambled as she unfolded the ancient Monopoly playing board on the table and began handing out colorful fake money.
“If you get to be the hat, I want to be the little dog.” Ororo snagged the small metallic dog from the pile of player tokens and started arranging her money. “What about you, Jubes?”
“Ugh, anything but the lumpy bucket.”
“That’s supposed to be a thimble, I think.” Jean stated without looking up from the cards and fake money she was attempting to organize.
“Whatever it is, I hate it. Just hand me anything else.”
Ororo reached into the pile of player tokens and tossed a random one at Jubilee.
“There. You’re a boat.”
“Super. Maybe I’ll set sail for a faraway land where a bunch of single young women have something to do on Friday night other than play Monopoly.” Jubilee propped her head up in her hand with her elbow on the table while scrapping her fake money into an disorderly heap.
“Look, we agreed on Monopoly. We also have Risk and Trivial Pursuit and a whole deck of cards. ‘Ro and I can play Go Fish and eat popcorn and gossip all night by ourselves if we’re keeping you from something more thrilling. Also, I have a date with Scott tomorrow night so you don’t need to rope me into your single-girl angst.” Jean had set down the game pieces and leaned back in her chair, arms crossed.
“Well, congratulations on getting laid occasionally. But what I’m saying is that there is nothing more interesting to do. There’s no night life in this town for anyone under twenty-one, almost all my friends moved away to college after getting their diplomas, and all the new students are like fifteen years old, so ew…” Jubilee sighed and sat up straighter. “I mean, I actually really like our girls nights and playing old games and shit, but that’ll basically be the highlight of my weekend and that’s kinda pathetic.”
Ororo reached across the table and placed her hand on Jubilee’s arm. “Oh, Jubilee, we love you too. And I have to say I can appreciate what you’re going through.” At this point Jean had rolled the dice and started moving her piece around the board.
“Your turn, Ororo.”
“Oh, right.” She rolled the dice and moved her piece forward. She picked up a card as indicated. “Go to jail? What the hell!? Welcome to America, indeed.” She moved her piece to the Jail square. “But as I was saying, I can see where you are coming from. You see, Egypt is a conservative country. Growing up, I often heard about how immoral and corrupt America was, how people there do nothing but have casual sex with strangers and men expose themselves to you in the street. When I came here, I was prepared for a certain amount of culture shock, a certain amount of inappropriate attention.”
Jubilee rolled the dice this time and moved her boat-shaped token along the board.
“I’m buying this property, okay?” she said, placing plastic house-shaped piece on the board and handing Jean fake money.
Jean placed the money in a pile. “Sure thing. It’s a free country.” Jean said as Ororo rolled her eyes.
“So once I got settled in this country, I decided I had better start taking birth control, in case I get caught up in all the casual sex that Americans apparently have constantly. However, more than a year and a half later, I find that I would have done better to spend that money on candy or a sweater or almost anything else. People here are so shy and socially awkward that we all have an argument every time we order takeout, because no one actually wants to pick up the phone and talk to another person. How is someone supposed to make a romantic connection in a society such as this?” Ororo said, throwing her hands up in exasperation.
Jean finished moving her game piece and gave the dice the Ororo, who rolled them and finally escaped jail.
“Well, what’s probably easiest to most people is to stick to people around you. When you talk to couples you generally find they either met in school or at work, not at a bar or anything like that.” Jean mused while organizing fake money.
“That’s easy for you to say. Scott was basically dropped onto your lap.” Jubilee replied as she took a card from a pile of other cards.
“There’s a mental image I could do without.” Ororo muttered under her breath.
Jean ignored her and pressed forward. “Well, yes, I did kind of luck out there, but it’s not like we’re completely devoid of available men. There aren’t a ton of other guys here in our age group, but there are a few.”
Jubilee scoffed. “Off the top of my head, I can only think of Peter and Kurt.”
“What? What about the guy who was really good at languages? And the guy who converted sunlight to plasma or something like that? There has to be more than that. Also, Peter’s not in our age group, he’s, like, almost thirty.”
“Doug was accepted to M.I.T. and Shiro went back to Japan after he graduated. None of the other guys that graduated when we did stuck around- they all either went home or got jobs or went to college.” Jubilee said without looking up from the game piece she moved around the board. “And, like, yeah, Peter’s older, but he has that like ‘older guy’ thing going on- like, that ‘hot older guy’ thing? You ever noticed that?”
“Um, no. You know the gray hair is just his mutation, right?” Jean made a face and rolled the dice, moving her game piece. “Plus, he might be older than us physically, but mentally, I think he’s at our level or maybe even a little younger.”
“I used to kind of see Peter that way when I still needed him to get me alcohol, but now that I can get my own alcohol I have to say I don’t see the appeal.” Ororo said as she shrugged and rolled her dice. She moved her game piece to an available property tile. “Yes! I want to buy this! Ororo Munroe, business mogul! A modern tale of hardship and redemption!”
Jean took her fake money but narrowed her eyes at her skeptically. “’Ro, how old are you?”
“I am twenty years old. Why?”
“Then you still need Peter to get you alcohol. The drinking age in America is twenty-one.” Jean stated in an authoritative manner, hands laced together on the table.
“What!? I thought that was just to get into bars. I’ve been buying alcohol for myself for months now!” Ororo sat back in her chair, scandalized.
“Yeah, it’s for anything booze-related, unfortunately. More importantly, where the hell have you been buying liquor without getting carded? And what the hell did you have to do to get Peter to buy you booze? You’ve been holding out on us, Munroe!” Jubilee turned in her chair and pointed at Ororo, clearly planning on turning the conversation into an interrogation.
“What do you mean? I just gave Peter money and asked him politely. And I go to the liquor store in the little strip mall on Oak street. The man who works there, Wesley, is very nice and has never carded me. That’s why I thought it was okay!” Ororo, intent on defending herself, continued. “Besides, it’s not like I was buying massive amounts of alcohol or getting wasted or driving drunk. I just like to enjoy a glass of red wine while reading on weekend nights. Is that such a crime?”
“Technically, yes it is.” Jean said.
“Anyway, I need to check out this liquor store…” Jubilee thought out loud.
“No. No you do not. This is a delicate ecosystem based on trust and mutual ignorance. Wesley and I have an understanding, and I will not have you mess it all up by prancing in and buying a ton of hard liquor.” Ororo stared intently at Jubilee while gripping the arms of her chair. Jubilee was not impressed.
“Huh. What, exactly, does this ‘understanding’ you have with the store owner consist of?”
“The understanding that he thinks I’m twenty-five or so?”
“Well, if he thinks you’re twenty-five, he’ll think I’m over-age too.”
“Jubes, you’re five-foot-three and you look fourteen.” Jean interjected, growing tired of the whole conversation. The board game pieces lay untouched and ignored.
“Uh, wow, that is pretty racist.” Jubilee glared at Jean and crossed her arms.
“I’m sorry Jubilee, but Jean has a point. I mean, you wear your hair in pigtails almost all the time. I’ve never known an adult to do that.” Ororo said, attempting to smooth the sudden tension in the room.
“Yeah. And your hair elastics sometimes have the same colorful plastic balls on them that I wore in my fifth grade class photo. You have to admit that your aesthetic doesn’t exactly scream ‘mature adult who can buy alcohol.’ Especially when you consider that you’d probably buy a quart of peach schnapps or something gross like that.” Jean added, looking satisfied to have made her point.
“Um, peach schnapps is delicious, they call it liquid panty dropper for a reason.” Jubilee said. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms behind her head. “I bet if I hooked up with Peter he’d get me as much peach schnapps as I wanted.”
Ororo threw her hands up in frustration. “Were you not listening to me? If you want Peter to get you liquor, you just need to ask him orally.”
Jean could hardly stifle a laugh and Jubilee smiled and raised an eyebrow.
“Orally, huh?”
“I MEAN WITH WORDS! You are both childish.” Jubilee and Jean were both laughing out loud now while Ororo sat stone-faced and somewhat embarrassed.
“Haha, nah, it would be more fun this way. I don’t really feel like turning down an opportunity to get booze and get laid…” Jubilee said while beaming, satisfied with her own genius.
“Sorry, Jubes, I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but you may want to re-think the logistics of hooking up with a guy who’s mutation is super-speed. It might not be the thrill-ride you’re expecting.” Jean said, suddenly serious again. “In fact, I’d be willing to bet you can get, at most, one minute of actual sex.”
“What? As if! I’d bet that his mutation makes banging him extra-fun in some way, like maybe he can make his dick vibrate or something.” Jubilee countered.
“A man with a vibrating penis would be proof that God both exists and is a woman.” Ororo added.
“Ugh, the best thing about vibrators is that they aren’t attached to men. And I’m not joking. I’m willing to bet actual American currency here. Ten dollars says that Peter couldn’t make it last through a commercial break.” Jean said confidently, sitting straighter and folding her arms, apparently daring Jubilee to back down.
“Newsflash: The best thing about vibrators is that they fucking vibrate. And YOU’RE ON!” Jubilee shouted as she leaned across the table at Jean.
Ororo laughed and clapped. “This is so exciting! Now, Jubilee, for safety reasons I’d recommend you obtain a bucket of personal lubricant and a fire extinguisher for your crotch before you pursue this any further.”
“Oh, ha ha. I’ll get a bucket of lube if you get a broom to knock the cobwebs out of your vag that collected there while me and Jean were off getting laid.” Jubilee shot back.
“Ouch. Touché”
“That raises an important point, Jubes. We can’t abandon our friend to a life of celibacy in her prime, while we’re catching dick like it’s going out of style. That would be a clear Girl Code violation.” Jean said, and Jubilee shrugged and nodded.
“You’re right, we shouldn’t gloat. We should help our mutant sister through this difficult time.” Jubilee said solemnly.
Ororo scoffed. “You especially shouldn’t gloat since you haven’t done anything yet! You’ve just talked about it!”
“Shush, you. We’re trying to help!” Jubilee leaned against the arm of her chair, as if deep in thought. “Now, for example, it seems like you and Kurt spend a lot of time together. That’s something.”
Ororo shrugged and looked away. “I don’t know. He’s very sweet and helps me with my gardening. He’s good company, but I don’t know if he thinks of me that way, and honestly I don’t think I’ve thought of him that way either.”
Jubilee leaned towards Ororo, eyes sparkling with excitement. “See, that’s the best part. You already like each other well enough, and he has two functional eyeballs and you’re totally hot so he definitely already thinks of you ‘that way’ whether he acts on it or not.”
Ororo smiled and tilted her head. “Aw, thank you, Jubilee. I think you’re hot too.”
Jubilee smirked and shrugged at the polite interruption. “Okay, rad, thanks. Anyway, We have to admit Kurt’s kinda hot in, like, a really mutant-y way. I mean, for one, he’s tall…”
“When he actually stands up straight…” Jean muttered.
Jubilee continued without pause. “He’s definitely, definitely, in ridiculous shape. I mean, you saw the male gymnasts in the Olympics? He’s absolutely at least that fit, if not better. “
“Goddess, the only thing better than the male gymnasts were the male diving team. I mean, the competitors weren’t the only thing getting wet at that event….” Ororo mused, almost to herself.
“I know, right!? I mean, imagine what would happen if they made the male gymnasts wear the same outfit as the male divers…mhmm..” Jubilee trailed off.
“That would cause a riot. Also, you’re both forgetting that Kurt’s skinny as fuck.” Jean said, apparently eager to bring the conversation back to harsh reality.
“Okay, so, for one, don’t rain on my fantasy parade. For two, don’t be mean, he’s not nearly as bad as he was when he first got here.” Jubilee replied, counting her points out on her fingers. “Anyway, where was I? Right. Blue’s everyone’s favorite color, the ears are cute, the accent’s hot, and he’s probably hung like a horse.” Ororo’s eyes snapped wider at that last comment, while Jean reeled back in bewilderment.
“Wait! What the hell? No way! You have no way to know that!” She crossed her hands in front of her in a clear ‘no’ and continued “He does not have the attitude for it, at all.”
“Um, Jean, a dick’s just a body part and not an extension of a guy’s personality. It doesn’t really need an attitude to go with it.” Jubilee explained with her hands clasped together.
“Nuh-uh, that’s not true. Guys with big dicks always have this attitude like nothing really matters, everything always fine. Like this permanent confidence that society could collapse, they could be penniless, the building they’re in could burn down, and their favorite sports team could lose the playoffs, and it’s all totally fine, because at least they still have this giant dick.” Jean explained. “See, Kurt’s shy and often seems worried about different things. So almost certainly like average or so. Not overly small because small guys all are about false confidence and being cocky and arrogant. But really more average than anything.”
“Based on that bullet-proof logic, Scott’s average too.” Jubilee pointed out.
“Well, he’s no slouch…” Jean said somewhat dreamily.
“AND if ‘not giving a fuck’ is all that a guy has to do to have a massive dick, then that means Peter’s probably got like a baseball bat down there or something like that… I’ve never known anyone who gave less of a fuck…” Jubilee added before trailing off, her mind having started to wander.
“This brings me back to my original point about the lubricant, Jubilee. You need to consider your physical well being.” Ororo piped up, forcing the other two to snap out of their respective daydreams.
Jubilee turned to Ororo and leaned on the armrest closest to her, looking her straight in the eye. “How about you just let me worry about my vagina, and you can worry about yours.” Ororo simply put her hands up in a show of surrender.
Jubilee turned back to the table and continued. “Anyway, this brings me back to MY original point, which was that Jean’s full of shit and Kurt’s definitely hung.”
“What is even the basis of this assumption? Have you been spying on the boy’s locker room or something?” Jean said skeptically, narrowing her eyes at Jubilee.
“It’s basic anatomy, Jean. Tall, thin guy with big hands and feet. That’s essentially the Holy Trinity of ‘dudes who pack meat’.” Jubilee explained.
“I don’t see why we’re stuck on this particular detail. I mean, it’s never been a major factor in whether I’ve decided to pursue-” Ororo said before being interrupted by Jean.
“Speaking of Holy Trinity, we have to consider the fact that he likely has almost no sexual experience whatsoever, like, probably never even held hands with a girl. I mean, I like Kurt as much as the next person, but I really think this would be an uphill battle for you, ‘Ro. He might not even be open to dating or adult relationships at all.” Ororo opened her mouth to respond but was again interrupted by Jubilee.
“Wait! No! Back up, wrong again!” Jubilee began to argue. “This ‘good Catholic boy’ thing that guys put on is ALWAYS fake, one hundred percent of time time. I mean, my first boyfriend was Catholic so I think I know a thing or two. Have you ever met any other Catholics, ‘Ro?”
“Well, until very recently, I didn’t even know there was more than one type of Christian, so I doubt it.”
“In that case, it’s story time!” Jubilee turned in her chair to face Ororo and pulled her legs up to sit cross-legged. “So anyway, this guy I started dating in tenth grade was this sweet religious boy with nine siblings. I should have known something was up, because clearly all his parents ever did was fuck. Well, as it turns out, he might have devoted Sundays to worshiping the Lord, but the other six days of the week were devoted to getting into my pants. I have never seen someone so desperate to get laid, it was pathetic. Constant begging and negotiating and trying to get me to touch his dick. I once told him I’d give him a handjob if he did my history homework for me, but then when he completed it I told him I had a hangnail so I couldn’t do it!” She laughed to herself and continued. “Anyway, the point is that Kurt might act all innocent and devout, but it’s probably all an act. In fact, with circus folk being nomadic, he probably had a different girl in every idyllic little postcard-looking European town they stopped at.” Jubilee leaned back in her chair with her hands interlaced behind her head, satisfied with her teaching skills. Ororo paused to process this deluge of unrequested information.
“I don’t think so. Kurt does not strike me as a player at all. Plus, I feel like he’s pretty legit with his religious practices. Like, he doesn’t even eat meat on Fridays.” Jean said, unconvinced.
“JFK was Catholic and he fucked anything that walked.” Jubilee added.
“Yeah, but he was also hot as fuck AND the president so he absolutely had women throwing themselves at him constantly.” Jean replied.
“This ‘All-American’ look is basically a fetish for you at this point, isn’t it?” Jubilee said accusingly. Jean quickly shushed her. Jubilee rolled her eyes and continued. “Anyway, maybe not a girl in every town, but definitely some of the circus chicks. Because being Catholic doesn’t mean passing up an opportunity to bang the chick who sells the cotton candy. Being Catholic means fucking the brains out of the chick who sells the cotton candy, and maybe feeling bad about it later.”
“I don’t buy it, sorry. I mean, he blushes when we watch movies where the characters make out. That doesn’t scream ‘man-slut’ to me.” Jean said while shrugging.
“That doesn’t mean anything, sometimes those scenes are awkward as hell. Plus, I swear sometimes he says things in German and I just know he’s talking filth cuz we can’t understand it. And don’t forget those marks or tattoos he has on him, for sins or whatever? No way they’re all all for stealing or swearing or hitting people… I’m sure like ninety percent of them are for lust or lust-related activities. AND they’re probably everywhere, and I mean EV-ERY-WHERE.” Jubilee replied as she folded her arms in confidence.
Ororo, who had long since checked out of the conversation and had been stacking the house-shaped game pieces into a tower, suddenly found her attention caught. “What? You don’t mean… no way. Ow.” She cringed and shook her head vigorously.
“Well, you’re just gonna have to find out for yourself…” Jubilee replied casually while checking out her hot-pink nail polish.
“Yeah, good luck with that. As I said- uphill battle. If you go for it, I think you’re in for a disappointment.” Jean said, looking at Ororo pointedly.
Ororo narrowed her eyes at Jean and her expression changed to one of frustration. “I don’t appreciate this repeated implication that I couldn’t seduce a man who, according to you, probably hasn’t even seen a naked woman before. It’s insulting.”
“Well, jeez, sorry. I just don’t think you can undo almost two decades of religious indoctrination with a bottle of Merlot and a push-up bra.”
“Oh, Jean, how little you know about me. It wouldn’t even take that.” Jean raised her eyebrows at Ororo’s cool confidence. “You see, one thing I know is that, whether you are in America, Egypt, Kenya, or anywhere else in the world, some things are always the same. There are many religions, many gods, but only ever one type of man.”
“Ooookay… no comment.”
“Sweet! So this is happening, great!” Jubilee rubbed her hands together gleefully. “I gotta say, ‘Ro, I think you’re gonna have a lot of fun with this. I mean, he has a tail, that’s gotta have some interesting uses! And there’s also the fact that each of his fingers is thicker than most guy’s dicks.”
Jean made a face. “Uh, ouch. He kinda has claws though.”
Ororo shrugged. “This doesn’t concern me. They’re very dull. He picks snails off my lettuce all the time.”
A look of extreme confusion crossed Jean’s face. “Snails? Lettuce? Is this some kinda euphemism?”
Ororo snickered at Jean’s confusion. “Get your head out of the gutter! In my garden, snails attack my lettuce. He helps me remove the snails from my lettuce.”
“What the fuck does that have to do with sex?”
“It’s extremely delicate work. He harms neither the snails nor the lettuce. Someone that gentle with their hands could be trusted with almost any task.” Ororo explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Jean remained unconvinced. “If you say so. Better you than me, I guess.”
“Yeah, damn straight better ‘Ro than you, being as you’ve been fucking the human equivalent of those hot dogs they sell at baseball games.” Jubilee snapped. “I mean, here I thought you were all ‘mutant and proud’”
“I am! I couldn’t care less about Kurt being blue, I just don’t see the appeal of a skinny guy with shitty posture and bad teeth. Although the tail is a bit concerning, still don’t know how I feel about that. Also, don’t insult those hot dogs, they’re a hundred percent American beef and they’re delicious, they’re an institution.” Jean said, frantically trying to defend herself. “Besides, I do like him, he’s a sweet guy, but he’s sensitive, religious, from a very conservative background, and has done nothing but get ostracized and discriminated against for his appearance his whole life. If either of you think that fucking him out of curiosity or to prove a point is doing him any favors, you’re sorely mistaken.”
Jubilee and Ororo glanced at each other, but neither could formulate a response. Jean seemed to revel in the silence she created, and started to pack away the long-forgotten Monopoly supplies, starting with sorting the fake money by color. Finally, she decided to add to her previous point.
“The other thing is that his mom lives, like, two doors up the hall. Wouldn’t that make things just a bit awkward?” This time, Ororo could actually respond.
“I don’t think so. From what I’ve gathered from Kurt, they hardly speak at all, and I doubt she would care who or what he does when he’s not training. And Jean, you don’t need to worry about him getting his feelings hurt- I’m not the sort of woman men regret being with.” Jean shrugged and nodded, while Jubilee turned to Ororo in amazement.
“Wow, I am digging this sensual confidence you have right now. I feel like you could bottle it and sell it.” Ororo smiled and shrugged slightly.
“We all have it, you just need to learn how to use it.”
“Yeah, Jubes, you need to use it so that I can get my ten bucks!” Jean exclaimed, pointing across the table and laughing.
“As if! I already have your ten bucks spent in my head. I wonder if I should share my peach schnapps or keep it to myself?” Jubilee said and grinned. “In fact, wanna up the ante a bit?”
“Of course. I don’t know what I’ll do with all this money you’re gonna owe me, but let’s hear it.” Jean smirked and crossed her arms on the table, leaning across it and towards Jubilee.
“How about another ten bucks says I’m right about Kurt- that he’s experienced, hung, and, uh, decorated.”
“Well, that bet’s more complicated because it has three separate criteria. If we make it five bucks per item, I’m in.”
“Deal!” Jubilee extends her hand across the table and Jean takes it and they shake once.
Ororo looked somewhat annoyed at being left out. “And what do I get out of all this?”
“Uh, dick?” Jubilee offered.
“Well, yes, I know, but I want to make a bet, too. And how come you and I have our sex lives up for betting, but Jean does not?” Ororo said, motioning towards Jean.
Jean shrugged and shook her head a little. “There’s nothing to bet about with Scott and I. We’ve already slept together so there’s not much else to it.”
“What do you mean there’s not much else too it? There’s a ton more to it! I mean, you give us hardly any details about you and Scott’s ‘activities,’ but ‘Ro and I are supposed to lay out the nitty-gritty of our future encounters?” Jubilee said, now siding with Ororo. “I mean, is he into any weird shit you’re trying to avoid doing? How is he at eating pussy? Is he the kinda guy who like, pushes your head when you’re blowing him, or does he just let you do your thing?” Jean appeared to be rendered speechless.
“Besides…” Ororo began “Just because you’ve had sex doesn’t mean that you’re done. I know Americans have this silly baseball analogy where sex is ‘home plate’ but this is a very short-sighted view of sexuality in a long-term arrangement. It’s less like finishing a race and more like unlocking the door to a whole world of intimacy and physical pleasure.”
Jubilee sat awestruck. “Again, ‘Ro,…..teach me…” Ororo laughed and patted Jubilee’s shoulder. Jean actually looked embarrassed for once in her life, and licked her lips before attempting to speak.
“Um, well, for one, we haven’t done a lot of that stuff…”
Ororo and Jubilee’s mouths fell open as they stared directly at Jean.
“So you mean you haven’t…” Jubilee started, before motioning her fist towards her mouth in the universal sign language for a blowjob.
“Um, no.”
“And he’s never gone…” Ororo continued, pointing with both hands towards her groin.
“Nope.”
“What the fuck?” Jubilee whispered harshly.
“What!? it’s just…I dunno…he never asked, so I never offered and I don’t even know if I’d like a guy going down on me so we just moved on to other things. I have a bit of a hangup about the idea of a guy, you know, fucking around down there, so I’ve just kinda avoided it.”
“Are you afraid you have a strange-looking vagina? Many young women are self-conscious, but are perfectly normal.” Ororo offered helpfully.
“Ugh, no, my vagina’s fine, thankyouverymuch.”
“Okay, so, no one’s gonna bet ten bucks you can suck a dick because sucking a dick’s so easy. I mean, guys have it made, they have no idea how good they have it. It tells you how to suck a dick right there in almost every issue of Cosmo.” Jubilee rambled. Ororo tried to subtly shush her.
“Well, yes, that part’s not rocket science. And I’m sure Scott would be more than happy to go down on you if he knew that was what you wanted. After all, he’s your boyfriend, and it’s kind of his duty.” Ororo explained gently.
“That’s the thing, I don’t know if I want him to, though. I mean, I’m fine with just sex!” Jean exclaimed, becoming exasperated by the scrutiny she was now under.
“Jean, why settle for being fine when you could be totally fucking fantastic?” Jubilee practically shouted the last part while raising both arms in the air.
Jean shook her head vigorously. “No, I mean, it’s not worth it. What if he thinks it’s gross? I read minds, I’ll know!”
Jubilee rolled her eyes. “if your boyfriend thinks vaginas are gross, you’re going to have bigger issues down the road.”
Ororo reached out and gently placed her hand on Jean’s forearm. “Something tells me this isn’t about Scott. Maybe it would be helpful if you told us why you feel this way?”
Jean paused and looked down for a few seconds before sighing. “Ugh, fine…”
Jubilee clapped. “Yay! Story time!” she exclaimed before Ororo shushed her, yet again.
“Alright, so here goes…This was back in high school, a couple years after my powers first manifested but before I knew anything about being a mutant. I was definitely ‘the weird girl’ in my school because of it.” Jean began quietly.
“I’m pretty sure all mutant chicks get to be ‘the weird girl,’” Jubilee interjected.
“Yeah, but this was pretty bad. I heard voices all the time, and didn’t know it was actually people’s thoughts. I couldn’t tell the difference between what I knew about people because they told me and what I knew about them because I ‘overheard’ them thinking it, so everyone thought I was creepy and untrustworthy. My parents thought I was schizophrenic, and I was this close to being institutionalized.” Jean explained, holding her hand up with her thumb and finger close together.
Ororo reached over and placed her hand on Jean’s shoulder and smiled at her. “I knew you had said you had issues before coming here, but I had never thought about how difficult it must have actually been for you. It’s amazing how far you’ve come!”
Jean shrugged. “Thanks, I guess. I mean, that’s not the point of the story, but thank you. The point is the few friends I had all had boyfriends and went out with guys and stuff, and being a creepy loser I was lonely and felt left out. So when a guy asked me to the semi-formal, I didn’t care that he was a bit of a loser too.”
“How big of a loser are we talking here?” Jubilee asked.
“Not too bad, I guess, overall. He was okay looking, kinda greasy. He mainly talked about how he wanted to be a pro wrestler when he grew up, but wasn’t athletic at all. He always smelled like fish sticks even though I never saw him eat a fish stick.” Jean explained as Jubilee made a disgusted face.
“Anyway, we went to the dance and had an okay time. The whole time his mind’s running a commentary on how nervous he is and how much he wants to get physical with me, but I don’t pick up on it because, again, I thought I was just crazy. After the dance we go back to his dad’s truck and start making out a bit. It’s okay but not great. Neither of us had any experience but I kind of thought ‘well, this is as good as it gets for me’ so I just went with it. Pretty soon he’s got one hand down the front of my dress, manhandling the hell out of my boobs, and doesn’t even seem very enthusiastic about it. I just think to myself, ‘I suppose I just don’t have that great of a rack’ and continue.”
“Jean, you have a superb rack.” Ororo was quick to interject.
“Um, thanks. So we keep going, and he starts creeping his other hand up the hem of my dress. Now, all my friends with boyfriends would all rave about how great it is when a guy fingers you, so I actually get a little excited. I thought ‘This must be where it gets good!’ so I let him keep going, but once his hand got inside my panties, that’s when all hell broke lose…”
Jubilee gasped, “Oh no! Did he have a hangnail?” Ororo cringed and shrunk into her chair.
“No, although his hands were callused as fuck, so that part wasn’t great either. What happened was that as soon as he started to touch me, his mind just started running a very loud commentary about how confused and disgusted he was by, like, almost every detail about my body. Like ‘it’s hairy! And squishy! Ugh it’s slimy! What is that? Why’s it so warm? Ew, it moved!’ and on and on like that. Meanwhile, I’m there hearing all this, but not really knowing whether I’m hearing it with my brain or with my ears, with my stupid fucking semi-formal dress pushed up to my chest and my foot on the steering wheel of his dad’s dirty seventy-two Ford truck. So once I can’t take it anymore, I push him off me and jump out of the truck and start walking home barefoot cuz my high heels blistered my feet. Last thing I hear is him calling me a ‘frigid bitch’ and driving off. To top it off, I’m pretty sure he told a bunch of people that I blew him.” Jean finished and folded her hands on top of the table. Ororo and Jubilee gaped at Jean and then each other.
“Ohmygod, Jean, I had no idea…” Jubilee finally said.
“If something like that had happened to me, I would…I would run off to… that place women go when they are done with men and never want to see them again…” Ororo managed to eventually say, unsure of what she was trying to describe.
“You mean a convent?” Jean suggested.
“Or an apartment building that allows cats?” Jubilee helpfully added.
Ororo leaned back in her chair, deep in thought. Finally, she leaned towards Jean with her palms together, clearly having come up with some sort of plan. “Now that you have told us this, Jean, we both completely sympathize with your mindset before. However, I feel like you are in a position in your life right now to undo some of the damage your early experiences has caused. For one, you have much better control over your power now, yes?”
Jean nodded. “Now, unless I intentionally try to read people’s minds, I mainly get an impression of their feeling about something, not their literal thought about it.”
Ororo continued, “And two, I’m going to assume that Scott is- if anything- the opposite of disgusted by your body. He’s smitten with you, he’s mature, and he’s kind. He might be apprehensive about trying something new, but he won’t be grossed out.”
“Yeah, I mean, by the sounds of it, that first guy was probably either not actually into chicks, or way too immature about sex to even attempt it.” Jubilee added.
Ororo nodded once in agreement. “So Jean, my bet to you is this: My ten dollars says that you and Scott can work past this issue and expand your sexual repertoire, culminating hopefully in being able to enjoy oral sex together. I bet this not because I don’t think you can do it, but because I know that you can and I hope that the promise of my ten dollars will give you confidence to continue trying even if you feel discouraged.” She sat back and waited for Jean’s reply.
“Ohmigod, ‘Ro, you are so wholesome I could cry. You are like a sexual fairy godmother.” Jubilee gushed.
Ororo gave a small shrug and shook her head. “I don’t know what that is. Anyway, Jean, is it a deal?” Ororo reached her hand across the table towards Jean, awaiting a handshake.
Jean stared at the hand before her for several seconds. Finally, a small smile crossed her face and she firmly grasped Ororo’s hand, shaking it once.
“You have a deal!”
Ororo’s face lit up with a broad grin. “Good. I am glad! Well, ladies, it seems we have our work cut out for us.”
“Totally! I can’t wait to hear Jean tell us all about gettin’ down on that ballpark-frank of a man of hers..” Jubilee said with a laugh, crossing her arms behind her head.
Jean laughed “Like I said, those are the best hot dogs, all-American, all-beef, always dependable…” She motioned towards Ororo. “I guess if we’re doing this analogy, that would make Kurt some kind of exotic bratwurst in the fancy imported section of the grocery store. Might be a bit of an acquired taste.”
Ororo nodded in acknowledgement and smiled. “This is the section of the grocery store in which I also find myself. And if it’s an acquired taste, I look forward to acquiring it.”
Jubilee raised her hands off of the back of her head and looked at the other two girls quizzically. “Okay, so, like, where does that leave Peter?”
Jean and Ororo glanced at each other and smirked. Jean finally spoke up. “Gas station hot dog.”
Jubilee tilted her head. “What the fuck?”
Jean continued with a wicked smile, “It’s been around way longer than it should be, it isn’t good for you AT ALL, but if you need some fast meat- there it is.” Ororo and Jean stated laughing hysterically, much to Jubilee’s chagrin.
“Oh, come on, guys…” she started, until being dragged into the infectious laughing fit. She giggled despite herself and shrugged. “Well, who among us hasn’t needed some fast meat now and then.”
“Amen to that.” Jean exclaimed, once she could speak again.
Ororo thrust her hand, palm downwards, into the middle of the table. “To breaking down sexual barriers!”
Jubilee enthusiastically slapped her palm down on top of Ororo’s. “To getting laid!”
Jean eyed the other two skeptically. “This is so corny.”
Jubilee scoffed at her. “Whatever. Just throw it in here, girl.”
Jean laughed to herself and did as instructed, adding her hand to the top of the stack. “To getting head!”
The other two laughed uproariously before the three of them quickly lowered their hands together and pulled them apart from each other.
“Yeeessss!” Jubilee exclaimed finally. “This is gonna be so fun!”