Chapter Text
His brother’s presence was always silent. It sneaked into the cottage with the darkness, usually when Thor was just between awake and falling asleep. The presence mocked Thor’s sanity making him doubt the familiar and welcomed visitor. Thor had never understood what was a right amount to drink to really see his brother’s ghost and what was a way too much.
”You oaf, what kind of king have you become?” Today he had been lucky. He was almost asleep and way too drunk but he heard a familiar voice just like years ago. Thor opened his eyes and looked at his favorite memory. One year after Loki’s death he still remembered the face like yesterday. Lazily he touched the black hair, memorized too cold skin.
“Soft one.” Thor whispered smiling. Caressing the cheek affectionately.
”What the hell you think you are doing?” Rude and merciless, just like that he wanted to remember his brother. There were too little honestly in this world anymore.
”I miss you brother. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to get you back.” He cried still smiling. Why this felt so real? And still he knew that tomorrow Loki wouldn’t be here. Just him alone. Fallen king of Asgard.
”You are pathetic. I am not yours.” And Loki leaned down closer to Thor. Ruthless words and hard kiss. Cold skin and silky hair on his hands. There were no words how much he wanted to to fall asleep like this every night. It wasn’t perfect but enough. They didn’t have sex, they never did. Thor was too pathetic for that. But passing out while holding the most precious man in the whole universe was good enough for him.
And on the next morning he was all by himself. And when he opened a new bottle there were no hateful whispers. So he drank more. Maybe in the night he was messed enough to saw Loki again. Usually he wasn't, or maybe he was too much. Who knew?
---
”Brother, why you are here all by yourself?” He had woken up by a mere coincidence. Nightmare was an old friend by now. After getting up shaking and sweating there was that weird feeling. It was like an old instinct to notice that he was not alone in the house. It almost surprised Thor that he still had some instincts left. Even though that someone was just a ghost from better times.
Loki was sitting on the living room sipping a beer like a wine. He had poured it to the glass that Thor didn’t remember owning. Loki scrunched his nose after every sip. He had always hated beer. Some things didn’t change and it made Thor feel a little bit better.
”I was tired of running but you were sleeping. I didn't know if I was welcome.” And still Loki was sitting on the chair like it was a throne of this cottage sized kingdom. And it was and memory of Loki would always be a king, always. Thor walked slowly to the chair and kneeled in front of the ghost, put his head against the sharp knee. There was that familiar smell that Loki's clothes had always had.
”Always brother, what is mine will be also yours.” They both understood the plea that was left without saying, Just don’t leave. Stop hiding from me.
”What is mine will always be only mine.” Loki’s words just made Thor laugh. It had been too much time when he had laughed without lying.
”Be as selfish as you want Loki, I still love you. I always will.” Saying truth had always been easier to Thor. What would Asgardians say if they saw their king now. Between being drunk and hang up and kneeling in front on the empty chair talking to the ghost of his brother. More than his brother. Queen, prince, companion, what would Loki want to be called for, Thor would make that true.
A cold slender hand touched his head gently. More gently than what Thor was used to.
”Maybe we do that a little bit too much.” Thor opened his eyes to the Loki’s words. He hadn’t even noticed when he had closed them.
”Half of the world's population is gone and even though it is slow process they will keep on living…” Loki’s green eyes had got years after death. Gone was the mischievous look that Thor had hated almost as much as loved. But he was ready to give anything to get it back because the sadness on those eyes were just wrong.
”... but we don’t even care, because we lost each other’s. And that is the reason why we just keep being miserable.” Maybe it was just his mind talking with Loki’s face but that was when Thor really understood it. He really didn't care that Asgard was ruined. It didn’t really matter to him that half of the population had changed to the dust. There had been his friends and Thor was too tired of acting like he cared. The reason why he was miserable was because Loki was gone and he was alone. Thor took Loki’s hand to his own and leaned to kiss it.
”Love that is hurtful, absolute and truly endless, you earn a love like that, brother. Mischievous and obsessive. I wouldn’t want to give you anything less.” His words made Loki smile even though he didn’t answer.
On the next morning he woke up sitting on the chair. When he had gotten up to the chair he didn’t knew. Red cloth that had once been a cape was placed to warm him. On the table next to him was not a glass Loki had used. It was pathetic how he always searched traces of his dreams from reality. But there was a painkiller that he didn’t remembered of placing on the table. Maybe it was better than nothing. He should remember to thank Valkyrie later for caring even though breaking in when he had been asleep was a little bit too much. Thor drowned the pill and assured himself that if the liquid looked like water it was as good as water. That thought could have been a part of the reason why he forgot to thank Valkyrie.
---
That one time it was Loki who was in worse shape. He was sleeping on Thor’s bed. Bloody and exhausted. That was also part of Loki so maybe it was alright to see the other like that. His brother didn’t always survive battles without being hurt and more times than one it had been Thor who had wounded him. Yes, Thor was drunk and useless, but maybe even this one time he could help his brother
Thor went to toilet where was a few dressings for the wounds. He came back to his bedroom and sat on the bed. It was actually surprising that Thor remembered Loki wounded and not dead. He had seen his brother’s assumed death maybe a more times than surviving a battle. And usually Loki used his magic to heal the wounds so Thor had never took care of those himself. He was thankful of this madness that he had now opportunity to do this. There had been only so few moments to show his brother how much he adored even his weakness.
Loki opened his eyes when Thor cleaned the wound on the corner of his eye. There was that smug happiness that always had filled Loki when he survived from impossible situation. More than once that look had been on Loki’s face when Thor had been left yelling his name. Loki turned his head a little bit back, laughed like a maniac and looked truly beautiful.
”So I think this is a safe place now. Ridiculous.” He should have asked what Loki meant but when the other grabbed him for kiss it really stopped to matter.
And that was the first time for the three years when they had sex. Hard and hurried kisses, it had always been a balance between hurt and gentles between them. Whispered words mixed with panting. It felt Loki could disappear any second so Thor wanted to took him quickly and hard before it was too late. But it had been so long and he had missed this so much. And Loki was wounded and Thor didn’t want to be one hurting him more.
So he opened his brother slowly and thoroughly while marking the slender legs with his teeth and lips. Licked the wounds swearing to avenge to the one who had dared to hurt what was precious to Thor. And when he entered to Loki, man smiled like he knew more than he had told to Thor.
”You will, brother. You have and will take that revenge.” Loki panted the praises that he should ask about but not when it was more important to thrust again and again to him. Until Loki was too far away to talk and Thor was too lost to listen. Thor came inside of his brother while the lightnings filled the sky. Loki laughed and Thor’s thunder reflected from Loki’s eyes. Falling asleep on that night was the happiest Thor had been a long time.
The next day bed sheets were dirty and Thor woke up alone. Korg asked why it had been thundering last night. Thor said he had had a headache.
---
Sometimes he wanted to forget. That was the biggest reason why he hide on his cottage and kept wasting his life. And it didn't matter how good it felt to lose his sanity Thor knew it wasn’t healthy. And how big part of his life the ghost of his brother had become was maddening. So time to time he tried to set boundaries.
”Get back to Hel where you came from. Out, out of here you mean spirit.” There were no thunder because he didn't really mean it. Of course Loki was in Valhalla with mother and father. He earned the peace.
”If you really want it, brother.” Usually Loki didn’t obey but he was ready to leave anytime. And one second he was there and then Thor was truly alone.
Those were the days when he broke everything, yelled, acted like a pure lunatic. His friends usually tried to come and help. They were confused and pitied him.
”Who is truly gone now? It has been years, Thor. Loki died a long time ago.” Sometimes he let the others hug him, sometimes he throw them away. Every single night he drank too much and asked to be left alone. When there was only silence and defeat, Thor raised his arms. Sign of retreat once again.
”Sorry brother. Please come back to me.” His whisper wasn’t honorable or filled with fight. But every single time beautiful picture came back with amused smile.
”Did you mourn for me, brother?” Loki always played to win and when Thor asked him back it was a without doubt Thor’s defeat. And Thor was too tired and relieved to care.
“Every single minute after your death has been a misery.” Loki tasted alive and Thor thanked his insanity.
At nights like that Thor didn’t have courage to let Loki away from his eyes. He was not ready to be alone, not even so long after being that. So he tried to stay awake as long as possible. And still on the next day sleep had won at some point and took Loki away.
---
“If he didn’t lie to me it will not be long until they come to get you.” Loki was once again entered to house silently. He had laid to Thor’s bed like on owner, spoiled cat waiting to be adored. Sweet and poisonous words again. Why Loki couldn’t be silent. Thor collected Loki on his arms, enjoyed the familiar smell of home. Loki laying on top of him felt safe. Just like today, he wasn’t really sure what Loki was talking about and he had stopped asking. Loki wouldn’t tell him anyway.
“They will not find me. Thor they once knew, he is dead.” There had been a time when he had been arrogant. Nowadays he was only pathetic.
Loki leaned away from him. He raised to sat on Thor’s stomach. It felt too soft under his brother’s weight. But Loki looked strong and wicked as always.
“They will come and find you. And you will follow them. Do it for me, brother.” Loki’s tongue was worth of it’s fame. Silvery and sweet. When Thor got so addicted of that? Maybe centuries ago.
“They have forgotten that I always grab the chance.” Loki smiled that smug smile that Thor loved. People always had believed too much from Thor and way too little from Loki. Thor had always believed in his brother. Both his goodness as his madness.
“I have become soft, brother. More ways than one.” Thor hated his bad shape and lack of muscles. But the real shame was that his head was softer than pudding. But Loki just smiled at him like he knew something.
“After I don’t need to run anymore, I will mold you again. In every single way. But right now, believe that you are enough to give me the chance.” Thor didn’t knew why Loki needed to run. But it didn't matter, because he really didn’t believe his words anyway. His brother was famous of his lies.
Banner and Rabbit came two days after that. Thor wanted to believe that it was just an accident. Loki’s ghost couldn’t have known. And he followed them because he really didn’t have reason not to. On the next day he saw only so quickly Loki’s smug smile while the ghost stood in the corner. It was just a second and then blue light swallowed his brother without anyone noticing. But still it felt like he was once again falling for Loki’s tricks. And he had stopped caring a long time ago.
---
It was a war again. Time for a great fights and heroic moves. And Thor felt like he was just a little boy on his mother’s arms. Familiar smell and feeling of being safe. He didn’t want to leave. Could he take his mother and brother from here? But Frigga’s smile was sad and she shake her head.
“It could maybe even success, my son, but you are not the first one here. And he was as lonely as you.” Thor had always been son of his father. But these moments he remembered that Loki had always adored Frigga. She spoke like she knew something more but didn’t tell Thor anything.
“Go son, safe the world.” Thor left with the infinity stone and Mjolnir. It didn’t feel enough.
After that happened a lot with a quick tempo. Maybe he should have asked more how everything went but it didn’t had felt meaningful at that time.
---
Guardians took him with them like a lost son. And it felt like he had found a family. They were looking for a Gamora, green lady that Quill liked. There was a mission and reason. And there was once again reason to stay sober. Thor had started to exercise. He wouldn’t be as good shape as before a long time, maybe never but his team needed a best from him. And maybe there would be a time when Thor would be so good condition that he wouldn’t see his brother’s ghost anymore. But it wouldn’t be today.
“Doctor told me that my last words for you were ‘The sun will shine on us again brother’. Maybe I meant this.” Loki talked easily like they were watching rising sun or something. Not like Thor was doing push ups on the space ship while some kind of weird light had just cast a shine on inside. And absolutely not like he was laying on Thor’s back being ridiculously heavy. Where had went the legend that ghost were weightless?
“Hey big guy, I don’t know what the fuck that light thing is but usually they are not friendly. So time to rise and shine and…” Rabbit came without knocking to Thor’s room and stopped to look him like there were something weird. Thor got up and Loki got on his feet like some kind of cat even though he had tried to shake him of his back with a little bit violence.
“Aya, I'm ready.” Thor raised his hand and storm breaker fly to it.
“If you take that, can I take the Mjolnir? I think I have become worthy.” Loki danced around the hammer and almost touched it. Smile on his lips was filled with mischievous and that was the reason why Thor was sure that Loki would fight only with daggers and magic. And without a surprise when Loki tried to raise the hammer the weapon stayed like nailed on the table.
“Well I think Tesseract needs to be enough.” Loki sight with a great frustration. And Thor was ready to ask what in Norns name that meant but he was interrupted.
“Hey, hey, hey big guy. Who the fuck is that and how the hell he got in?” The Rabbit looked at Loki. Like he saw the ghost. And Loki smiled sweetly and innocently.
“How you wanna address me, Thor? Am I your brother, mate, occasional enemy? Oh dear, all these years and we have never had this talk.” There was a huge crash and the spaceship felt trembling. Somewhere they heard Quill’s scream. They really didn’t have time for this. But this was real. Rabbit also saw Loki. He could ask later how, and when and what had happened but there was a possibility that Loki was truly here later.
He took a tight grip from his brother's neck and kissed him like he deserved. Half lovely, half punishing.
“This is Loki, my everything. Please don’t let him die. He has an irritating habit of doing that.” And Thor turned and walked to the fight like he had already won. He heard just a barely Loki’s complaint.
“Oh please brother, at least I usually come back. One way or another.” And that seemed true. And before he would make Loki explain that was enough.