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I hated her a long time when we were together. I felt like she was slipping out my grasp and there was nothing I could do. Life was consuming enough for me to try and make an effort and try to fix us alone.
She was gorgeous. Is gorgeous, shorter than me, long light brown hair, hazel eyes, pale skin, lovely smile and she wore glasses a lot, even though I suspected that she only used them to read or to try to seduce me.
We were happy when we were together and life didn't consumed us, or consumed her with all that scientific crap that I completely hate. She had, or has, a job in one of the most important scientific organizations in the whole world and they asked her to travel outside the country a lot, a fucking lot to my eyes. She calmed me holding my wrists and kissing me softly, telling me that she'll call me every day and that we could Skype a lot. But it never was enough with her. By my side I had a job in engineering and IT, I was in charge of a few webpages about political crap that I can't talk because in my contract says so. Jemma, that is her name, told me once that she thought I was a spy, or a secret agent because I knew about a lot with all the information I managed in my office. I said that she was a crazy scientific because I didn't believed she traveled the world with just her suitcase and a bunch of meds just for her job.
Once, when Jemma was out of the country, the presidents of some nation died in weird circumstances, she came back the next day looking worried and afraid. I gathered her in my arms and told her that whatever was worrying her was nothing, she said that I didn't knew, she fought with me, said she wasn't good enough for me and that we may not be together anymore. I fought because of her, I told her that I loved her in one of the biggest fights we had. Then she went quiet, she just was speechless, appalled because I never said it when we were fighting, or when she wanted me to dump her because of what seemed nothing. I turned away and went to smoke outside. Two hours passed and I had smoked the 6 cigarettes that remained in the box. She smelled it from the balcony door of the apartment and walked to me.
"I thought you said you'll quit smoking" she said kicking the ashes that remained in the floor. "I thought you said you'll stop saying that you weren't enough for me." I said looking at the ground. I saw her approaching me and told her "Jem I love you, more than everyone I have loved before" taking her face in my hands and kissing her nose tip. "But I didn't" she said holding my hands in hers keeping them holding her face and looking at me with a pained expression. "But you didn't" I agreed. She sighed and that sigh broke my soul. "I can't worry this much about you, it isn't healthy" I said "I love you and your weird ways of waking me up in the morning just to tell me that you have the solution to one of your equations. But I can't stand that you lie to me and say you are okay when you're clearly not" I added while she smiled fondly at me. "So... What you're saying?" She mumbled looking at the ground. I didn't knew how to answer.
I keep asking me is we could fix that, or if we should fix it. And more important why do we had to fix this if it's broken? Because I was tired to try and maintain a relationship when half of the time my girlfriend was outside of the country and the other half she was stuck in a lab. What if she was a killer? Or what if she really was a spy? I couldn't stand that her job absorbed her free time, and that she barely slept, eat and breath with calm, not in that frenetic life.
“I’m not sure” I said “I keep asking me why did this broke on the first place, and who was the one that started to give everything for granted when we knew that everything is volatile” I told her while I caressed her hands “Don’t think I don’t love you, because I do. Because I will, always, and because I did, always. But” I said pausing to take a breath “we aren’t working anymore, and I feel that we’re drifting apart from each other instead of getting closer. And your job. I hate your job” I said the last part exasperated, letting the frustration get on my voice and my movements “I hate the fact that your jobs keeps you half world apart of me half of the time and that the other half is your lab the one keeping you away.”
She looked at me sorrowful “Skye, you know that my job is complicated” she said sitting in the floor. I pressed my back against the wall and slide next to her “I know your job is complicated, you freak” I said trying to make her laugh “But that isn’t an excuse for you to be secluded in your lab when you’re home” I said taking her hands in mine and kissing her knuckles. She looked at me half smiling “If we are going to start talking about absorbing jobs then let’s talk about you, miss “I’m not sure what I’m doing but the government pays me for doing it”, ok?”. I looked at her, she wasn’t fully smiling but her expression was morphing into one of those big smiles I loved so much. “I’m no such thing, love” I said kissing her cheek “I do have to secure the government sites and crap, but I know what I’m doing” I said smiling “And if I don’t there’s going to be someone who knows, for sure” I said looking at her. She was looking at the ground half smiling and half trying to convey her thoughts about us. I knew she was mussing everything and balancing her job versus our relationship.
“You know,” she said suddenly “if someone told me three years ago that in a year and a half I would be living with this gorgeous brunette in the city of my dreams, with the girl of my dreams I would have laughed” she said smiling sincerely at me, then she added “I love you Skye, but I’m not leaving my job for you” which made me laugh because that wasn’t what I was asking, “I’m not telling you to leave your job killing presidents and whatnot” I muttered “I’m just asking you to have a healthy relationship with me, to give us the chance to go walking down the park in the corner. Did you ever noticed there was this park I’m talking about? And I’m sure you’ll love it Ducky” I said. I hadn’t called her that in a long time, about the same that I realized that it was either us or she and I. She looked at me surprised and said “You…” I smiled at the sight, there was my girlfriend, or soon-to-be-ex girlfriend if she didn’t put of her part, looking at me like I discovered America through internet. “Called you ‘Ducky’?” I asked amused “don’t be silly, is not like I don’t love you. And that’s the nickname I got you, right?” I said wiping my phone from my pocket and showing her the first text where I called her that. “But it’s been 2 years Skye,” she said furrowing her brows “Two years since-”. “Since what?” I asked interrupting her “Since I called you that for the first time? Yes, but is also been two years since I realized I was an idiot for letting you go without telling you that I love you” I told her hugging her shoulders and bringing her to me. She kissed my shoulder and hummed a song. Our song. And that’s where I knew. I had to break up with her.
Next thing I remember is us, sitting there in the balcony of our apartment and shouting at each other. Hurtful things like ‘you never loved me and you gave me for granted when you fucking dragged your ass across the world selling drugs ’ and ‘I’m pretty sure you know shit about your job and that you have lots of minions doing the things you are supposed to know ’ and a couple of ‘I never loved you’ and ‘I hate you. I will. Always’, then 2 weeks later she called me, asked if we could talk and said she was sorry, and that if I hated her or that if I wanted to hate her I should if that made me feel better. I never hated her before we broke up. Before I broke up with her.
Is not like I didn’t loved her, nor I didn’t trusted her. I just felt she was slipping through my fingers like sand, or water which is worse because it only left you all wet and cold. And that’s what I was feeling with Jemma.
And that’s why I broke up with her even though my heart broke up when I saw her sad smile.
And when we sold our apartment. I couldn’t stay there because there were too much memories and she couldn’t stay there because we never established that if she wanted to stay she could. But mostly I think she didn’t wanted to stay because of regret. Or that I want to believe.
Someday, I know, we’re going to cross paths again. She’ll be walking by the hand with someone, a girl maybe. And I’ll be walking with my girl, hand in hand, or maybe I’ll be trying to make her laugh. And then I’ll see Jemma or she’ll see me and just smile, because that’s the only polite thing to do. And I’ll smile back at Jemma because that’s the only thing I’d do and we’ll mix with the people that’s taking the train.