Chapter Text
The third game in four nights had been another win but this early in the season back to backs always took it out of him more than he was comfortable with and the lines of fans outside looking for autographs and photos felt like a task that he had to get through rather than the joy he normally found it after a win.
Having signed half a dozen shirts, two hats and one guy’s bicep, ’for a tattoo’ apparently, he finally made it to the end of the line and a young woman wrapped in a penguins monogramed jacket that was a good few sizes too big for her.
“Did you want?” He smiled at her and waved his pen in a ‘something signed’ kind of a way and the woman looked up at him shyly, reaching her hand to the zip on her jacket as she shook her head.
“No thanks, I just, I have something for you.” She pulled the zip to the bottom, shrugging the jacket from her shoulders and he watched in confusion for a few moments until she moved the jacket from in front of her revealing her heavily pregnant stomach.
“What? Erm… I” He tried.
“Your jacket,” she cut in quickly, “You leant it to me the night,” She waved at her stomach and Sid felt the bottom fall out of his.
Seven or eight months ago the world had been a foggy disorientated place full of headaches and dizziness, loneliness and quiet. It had been days in the house hiding from light and noise and nights of walking the streets in the dark trying to feel like part of the city despite his brain’s inability to deal with it. There was much he didn’t remember from that period but surely not enough that this could be real.
He was staring at her belly, he knew he was but he just couldn’t stop his brain spinning. “You were kind to me.” The woman reached out and touched his arm making him jump and he looked up at her face as she looked back, tired, nervous and more than a little sad.
“I was?” he asked quietly, eyes flicking from her face to her belly and back again before he mentally and physically shook himself, pulling his thoughts together and trying to force his public persona back into place.
“I didn’t really think you’d remember” she said quietly, “I hoped but.” She held out the jacket “I’ll just return this and go.”
He took the offered jacket on autopilot and watched as she turned and walked a few steps away before he shouted “Hey!” and jogged to catch her up. “Hey!” he shouted again as he reached her side, “can we talk? You didn’t just come for the jacket did you?”
“It’s ok don’t worry.” She smiled a tired smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, “It was a daft idea thinking you’d remember.”
“Please?” he touched her arm with his hand and she flinched away, staggering sideways. “Sorry” he gasped and instinctively reached out to steady her but pulled his hands away again before he made contact.
“It’s ok.” She stammered and wrapped her hands around her arms, curling in on herself as she kept walking.
“Take the jacket,” he thrust it in her direction, “its cold.”
“That’s what you said last time,” she smiled just a little and took the jacket, slipping her arms back into the sleeves and wrapping it around herself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come, I just … well,” She looked down at her feet. “I didn’t know who you were when we met; I saw your photo in the paper a couple of weeks ago. You were so kind and I just.” She stopped, kicking her feet against the floor.
“I’m sorry I don’t remember you, Sorry for doing this and not remembering, I was ill, concussion.” He scrubbed his hand against his forehead, “I don’t know why I don’t remember you if we,” he waved his hand at her stomach trying to convey the ‘if we had sex’ while his brain screamed that he’d never have slept with a woman even with a mangled concussed brain.
“Oh god no!” she exclaimed grasping for his arm with one hand and cradling her belly with the other, “You didn’t, we didn’t” She said quickly. “Sorry that’s not, shit! Sorry” she stepped closer and Sid stepped backwards.
“We didn’t?” he questioned, “then what? What’s this? You said the jacket, that night.”
“I was sat on the curb crying, you sat down next to me and gave me your jacket because it was cold, you made sure I got home as well.”
Sid thought about it, wracking his brains for the memory.
“It was late, well after dark. You said something about getting fresh air without having to deal with the sun. There was a vampire joke as you sat down as well, made me smile.”
Sid nodded, the memory becoming a little clearer in his mind.
“I was crying and it was freezing so you offered me your jacket. You passed it over real careful, making sure you didn’t scare me, and you stiffened when I tried to hug you but then you wrapped your arms around me and hung on as if you needed it as much as I did.”
“You’d been mugged,” He suddenly remembered. “I leant you my phone.”
“Yeah and you called a cab and took me home, made sure I got right to the door and my friend had let me in before you left.”
“The driver thought it was weird I asked to sit up front didn’t he?” Sid laughed, a clearer picture of the night now playing in his head. “And your friend looked like she wanted to kill me.”
“She was worried, I’d disappeared on her while we were out and then I turned up in a state, no money, phone or keys, she was pissed at me for being so irresponsible.”
“You’d been mugged!” he stated matter-of-factly and then his stomach dropped into his shoes at the horrific realisation, “You hadn’t just been mugged.”
She shook her head sadly, looking away to the floor and cradling her belly with both hands, “No I hadn’t.”
“Shit!” He lifted his arms to reach for her and then pulled back, her reaction to him touching her arm springing into his head. “Sorry.” He stepped back scrubbing at his face with his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
“Hey hey,” she closed the gap between them and then carefully, as if a little scared that he might push her away, circled her arms around his waist and leant her head against his chest. “You’ve no need to be sorry, you looked after me.”
Taking her actions as permission he dropped his bag off his shoulder onto the floor behind him and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close as she relaxed into his arms.
“You still hug like you never get to,” she said as they finally separated and Sid glanced around, suddenly nervous of cameras.
“Sorry,”
“Don’t be sorry,” she smiled, “It’s sort of why I came, why I wanted to see you, to talk to you.”
“Really?”
“Could we go somewhere to talk? Somewhere quiet?”
Sid thought for a long moment, trying to work out what the best plan was given that he was rarely able to avoid other people unless he was locked in his house or hidden inside the rink.
“Just a second,” he picked up his phone, dialled a number and had a quick chat before he smiled at her, “Ice cream on the bench? It’ll be private but there’ll be other people about.”
“Sounds good to me,” she smiled and they both walked back towards the arena, Sid smiling at security as they waved them past.
~~~
“Choc chip or cookie dough?” Sid gestured at the two tubs of ice cream stood on the bench. They’d made their way quietly through the corridors, past the locker rooms, until they reached the bench, no one else around but also nowhere that Sid thought the woman might find it scary to be alone with him.
“Either, up to you.”
“I love choc chip,” he shrugged and smiled as he picked up the tub and walked a short way down the bench turning back towards her as he sat down, “So I guess you and the little one get cookie dough.”
“She’ll love it,” she picked up the tub and sat down, rubbing the top of her bump through her jacket, “Cold stuff always sends her crazy,”
“Really?”
“Cold food in my stomach means cold stomach on her bum so I can’t blame her for kicking me can I?” She laughed and then took a spoonful of her ice cream, “It’s Jane by the way.”
“Sid,” he said, “nice to meet you again Jane.”
“Good to meet you Sid,” she took another spoonful of her ice cream and then jumped slightly, her hand moving to run over the top of her bump as she smiled, “She’s enjoying the ice cream.”
“Good,”
“You want to feel,” Jane asked slowly, looking up at him nervously and Sid felt his heart do a weird skippy thing in is chest.
“If you don’t mind,” he inched closer and Jane smiled and reached for his hand as it hovered between them, pulling it to rest on her bump as she kept hold of his wrist, the baby kicking hard under his hand.
“I love her you know, love feeling her move around and feel her growing.”
Sid nodded “Must be weird having a living person inside you though?”
“Yeah,” she laughed for only a second, “Not as weird as the idea of seeing her, of cuddling her, of watching her grow.”
“For sure,” Sid agreed, “That must be a scary idea especially,” he stopped, not really knowing how to end the sentence given the circumstances.
“That’s sort of why I’m here, why I wanted to meet you when I’d recognised you.”
“Yeah,” he tried to pull his hand away, feeling the need to sit up and give her more space but she kept her grip on his wrist, not hard enough that he couldn’t pull away if he really wanted to but firm enough to indicate that she’d prefer he didn’t.
“I’ve thought about it a lot in the last seven months, the idea that a bit of him is inside me, inside her, that she may have his eyes, his smile, his hair,”
“Don’t,” Sid started to interrupt but she raised her other hand, putting her finger to his lips to stop him.
“I decided four months ago that I’m giving her up for adoption, I can’t be sure I’ll look after her like she deserves and I want her to have people who love every atom of her you know? I’ve met a few couples, spoken to them and thought about them with her but none of them were right, none of them screamed love at me, none of them felt right.”
She let go of his wrist as she reached for her ice cream, clearly stalling for a few seconds so Sid did the same, taking a large spoonful and wincing at the chill on his throat as he swallowed it far too quickly.
“When I saw your picture in the news, when I recognised you, knew who you were. I knew I had to come and see you, had to ask you.”
“Ask me what?” He ate the last of his ice cream, setting the tub down on the bench behind him.
“If you’d take her,” his eyes widened “If you wanted to take her and love her and hold her like you held me that night, hold her like you need it just as much as she does.”
“You, what? I.” Sid stuttered as Jane reached for his hand again, placing it back on her stomach where the baby was still wriggling away.
“You don’t have to say yes, I don’t even know if you have a wife or girlfriend or anything, but I just had to ask you.”
“Are you really sure? About not keeping her yourself I mean. You clearly love her; have cared for her up to now, could you not make it work?”
“I might be able to love her, I might not mind, it might be ok but my baby deserves more than might especially when the might nots are just as strong and much more dangerous. I’d like to keep in touch, to see her sometimes and know how she is and lots of the couples I met didn’t want to have to explain me to her, some just didn’t want to think about how she came to be at all. You can say no, I’ll find someone else who’s perfect for her. I just had to ask you.”
The baby kicked again and Sid felt it under his hand, his breath catching in his throat and a smile playing on his lips. “You really want this? Want to give her up to someone else?”
“Only the right people not just anyone.”
“And you think I’m the right people?”
“Yes,” she said with a surety Sid wasn’t sure he could match, “But do you?”
Sid looked at Jane, from her eyes to her belly and back again before he spoke quietly and with nerves that he rarely felt in anything. “I’ll try to be.”
~~~
Meetings with attorneys, agents, social workers, doctors and specialist nurses had filled every minute that he was in Pittsburgh and not at the rink since Jane had introduced herself four weeks ago. He’d paid for some specialist therapy for Jane, wanting her to know that she was sure about her decision, and two days before the little girl’s due date he found himself sat one side of a desk with his agent and legal people either side of him, his adoption approval documents on the desk in front of him, and the penguins GM, coach and owner on the other side.
“Should we be worried?” Mario asked with a warm smile, “This seems a little formal.”
“I hope not,” Sid smiled back at him, “I’ve hopefully made arrangements so that there should be as little effect on the organisation as possible but I guess it’s down to you three not me whether this is going to be a problem.”
“Right then,” Shero leaned forward in his seat and smiling warmly at Sid, “Tell us what’s happening and we’ll let you know if it’s a problem.”
“First you should know that I’m not here to ask I’m here to tell, if it costs me my contract then that’s ok by me.”
“You’re worrying me now,” Mario cut in, his face stoney grey and Sid stomach turned over.
“Sorry, that’s not what I want to do, you know how important the organisation is to me, how much I love it here, I just want you to understand that I’m not coming in here lightly, I know it won’t be easy and I’m asking a lot of the organisation but I’m doing this.”
“Doing what?” Blysma asked, clearly fed up with waiting.
“Ok,” Sid laughed nervously, feeling his heart start to race as he pushed the papers in front of him across the desk to Mario, “I’m about to be a dad, baby’s due in two days, she’ll need to travel with me which is where this meeting comes in, I’ll pay for everything obviously and I’ll need to work out the logistics when I’m on the ice but I’m hoping the team will help me out, Geno and Flower say they will. Obviously if you say no to her travelling that’s where these guys,” he tipped his head towards his agent and then his attorney, “come in because we’ll have to find a way to end my contract.”
“I didn’t know you were dating.” Mario said as if affronted that he hadn’t been told.
“I’m not, I haven’t, those are adoption papers, there won’t be another parent hence the need for her to travel with me.”
“Oh, yeah,” Mario nodded thoughtfully and reached for the pile of papers, lifting them up so he could read them.
“Why?” Blysma asked like he just couldn’t work out what he was hearing.
“It’s complicated and not really mine to tell but her mum thought I needed her and that I could love her more than she could, I think she’s right so this is what we’ve agreed.”
“And you’re serious about breaking your contract if we say no?”
“For sure, one hundred percent.” Sid said with certainty looking his coach right in the eye, “No other guy on the team has to choose between hockey and kids because they have girls at home to look after them for them. I don’t have that.” He left two beats of silence before he continued, “I will never have that so my choice is to do it this way or not at all and I’m choosing this.”
“We’ll make it work,” Mario shot out before the GM or Coach could say anything else and Sid nodded, smiling just slightly with relief.
“I’m not telling the world, certainly not before the legal bit’s done which will be months. I am, if this is all agreed, going to tell the team before practice.”
“Ok,” Shero nodded, “Days off? Will you need any?”
“For the birth maybe, if possible. I’m told that papers for flying can be sorted quite quickly so as long as she’s here in the next few days that should be sorted for the roadie. Other than that I can’t be sure but I’m hoping not.”
“Sleep? Naps?” Bylsma asked but Shero shook his head at him and he went quiet and sat back in his seat.
“I have no idea how you’re going to do this,” Shero smiled, “no idea at all but if anyone can it’ll be you.” He laughed and Sid finally felt himself relaxing. “I’ll speak with the league about how we charge for personal travel, we don’t want an accidental cap scandal, I’ll come up with something to tell them about why, and we’ll get the equipment guy to sort you another kit bag and a trunk for the stuff you need so it’s not obvious in transit. Hiding the real life living human is all down to you and the boys though.” He laughed, “I’m sure they’ll all have ideas, some more useful that others.”
~~~
Sid stood up and the room dropped quiet, “Just before skate I need to tell you all something, Flower and Geno know what I’m going to say because I needed their help with it and I told Coach and the front office this morning so I didn’t want you to hear it anywhere else and I don’t want you to tell anyone outside of here, partners exempt as always, but I’m, hopefully, going to be a dad by the end of the week.”
The silence in the room broke suddenly, the room erupting in cheers and congratulations until Sid raised his hand to quieten them down.
“I’m glad you’re happy for me,”
“Didn’t even know you were dating Cap,” someone shouted, “Too injured to play but fit enough to fuck yea Cap” came from somewhere else. “We get to meet the girl who finally turned the kid into a man?”
Sid closed his eyes and swallowed hard, clenching and unclenching his fists by his sides before he spoke again, trying to ignore the other voices.
“It’s not going to be easy and it is going to impact on the team because she’s going to travel with me but I’ll do my best to make sure it doesn’t change things on the ice.”
“Will be fine,” Geno cut in, “We all help with baby, someone always scratched, they cuddle her while you play.”
“Yeah,” Flower agreed, “V’s been looking at seats for on the bench for practice so she can watch.”
Sid flashed a smile at both of them; thankful that he had them in the room and then closed his eyes again, preferring not to know which mouth the shit he was suddenly bombarded with was coming from.
“Where’s the mother? You’ve not kicked her out even before the birth have you Cap?”
“Clearly he’s a Fuck ‘em and leave ‘em kind of guy, not smart enough to know you leave the kid behind though.”
“Is she pretty, or is the kid relying on your boyish good looks?”
The room suddenly dropped silent, tension rising, and Sid cracked one eye open to see what was happening before opening them both and taking a step towards Geno who was on his feet, staring around the room, looking ready to fight anyone who opened their mouth.
“Next time someone come in here say have baby I’m ask, where fuck? What position? Who come first? You tell me shut up, not mine know.” He glared around the room, making eye contact with every man. “So here now you shut up, not yours know! She Sid’s baby, she born soon, she travel with team and we all make work!” He was shouting by the last and all eyes were on him, clearly listening, and when he stopped speaking everyone nodded, wide eyed at him. “Good! Now skate!”
~~~
The goal buzzer sounded as Sid sank the puck five hole, ten twenty four into the third period from a pass by Tanger and crashed into the boards, hands in the air, surrounded by his line mates before he took fist bumps down the bench and then walked through the gate and directly down the tunnel to the room.
He’d taken Jane to hospital just after lunchtime and stayed with her until he was almost sure he was going to be late for warm ups – screw his routine this was his baby – and Blysma had agreed to him leaving the game ten minutes before the end of period three so that he could be out of the arena before press or fans made it more difficult and he was glad to have played his part, scoring two of the three they had on the board, before the moment came.
“Just drop your stuff, I’ll sort it.” Jake the equipment assistant said as he started stripping his gear off and for the first time ever Sid decided to take him up on the offer, smiling at him gratefully and tossing his gear into a pile on the floor as he raced for the shower.
“Neal just got another,” Jake said as Sid moved back through the room.
“Don’t need me at all do they,” Sid laughed and Jake shook his head and rolled his eyes.
“Good luck.”
“Thanks,” He pulled a cap onto his head and waved at Jake as he made his way quickly out of the locker room, through the corridors to the car park and to his car where he waved at the security guard and set off across the city as fast as he could.
~~~
“She’s not here yet, don’t panic.” Jane turned to look at him as he came through the hospital room door and reached for his hand. “She’s been waiting for you.”
Squeezing her hand and dropping his bag into the seat next to the bed he leaned in and kissed her gently on the temple, “what can I do?”
“You good at magic?”
“Nah sorry,” he shook his head and kissed her cheek, “this is all on you I’m afraid.”
“Rub my back,” she suddenly gasped, her eyes closing and breathing becoming deeper and much more deliberate, clearly overcome with the wave of a contraction so he moved his hand to her back, right over his pelvis, and rubbed hard backwards and forwards just like the maternity nurse had shown them in their speedily arranged birthing classes and after what felt like an hour but was closer to a minute she relaxed again and turned her head to look at him, “I’m glad you made it.”
“Me too,”
“Did you score? Did you win?”
“I did yeah, and I think so, honestly haven’t looked since I left.”
“Really?” she asked, clearly slightly shocked.
“Yeah, really. Some things are more impor” he cut himself off as Jane’s body tensed again, moving to concentrate on rubbing her back and watching the clock until she relaxed again.
“I did some reading,” she started as her breathing settling again, “When I realised who you were. Didn’t seem like the kind of person who’d ever think that.”
“Never have before,” he admitted with a shrug, “suspect I’ll think it a lot more from now on.”
“Yeah,” she stood up straight and took a few steps towards the bed, changing her position and trying to get more comfortable, “I hope you will.”
The next contraction came only a few seconds later and once it was over Jane asked him to call for assistance, the contractions so close that she was sure it wouldn’t be long before she needed their help and she was right, the whole thing speeding up around them as Jane moved onto the bed, staff arriving for the delivery and Sid being nudged by the nurses and dragged by Jane’s hand until he was in the perfect position for her to brace against his arm and to work with her body to push the little girl into the world.
“No!” Jane gasped as the baby was born and the nurse tried to lay her on her chest “give her to her dad.”
“Sorry,” the nurse moved to lay the baby on the bed “just a minute,” the nurse assured her, “we just need to cut the cord and get her wrapped up.”
“Shirt off,” she looked up at Sid, “take your shirt off” and then at the nurse, “Don’t wrap her up.”
“Okay,” the nurse nodded, cutting the cord and, when Sid had dropped his shirt onto the chair behind him, she handed the baby to him, helping him adjust his arms correctly, and draped a blanket over them both to keep them warm.
“She’s beautiful,” Sid whispered, “So beautiful.” And Jane nodded up at him, tears running down her face as she watched him with an intensity he would normally find uncomfortable. “So tiny, so perfect.”
“Thank you,” she smiled, reaching up to squeeze gently at his arm.
“That’s my line,” he spoke without looking away from the baby.
“No it’s not, it’s really really not. Thank you for looking at her just like she deserves.”
“I love her,” he whispered in awe, “I promise to look after her.” He leaned down to kiss Jane gently on the forehead, carefully covering the baby with the blanket as he did it.
“Thank you” she whispered again and he stepped back, “I’ll ring when I can face seeing her, you don’t have to let me though.”
“Whenever you’re ready, anytime, just let me know and we’ll arrange it ok. When you’re ready.”
“Go on; take her next door while I finish off the mucky bit, my friend’s just ten minutes away, I’ll get the nurse to call.”
“I’ll call her and wait ‘til she gets here.”
“Sidney,” Jane fixed him with a look that brooked no disagreement, “I need you to take your daughter out of here, please.”
“Shit!” He stuttered, “I’m sorry, Shit, I just didn’t want to leave you alone.”
“I know,” she smiled at him, reaching up and squeezing his arm “And that’s entirely why we’re here, why you’re taking that little girl now and giving her the life she, and you, deserve. Go get her checked and take her home.”
“Okay,” he nodded and then, with the help of the nurse who carried his bag and shirt for him he disappeared through the adjoining door into a room of his own where he settled into a chair and stared at his daughter.