Chapter Text
daylight
Jihoon is the only one making him happy, and he thinks he deserves this much.
I never really liked smoking, but it paved a way for me to gradually self destruct. Because unlike harming, it doesn’t leave a trail of red marks that reads I’m miserable, or charred burns that screams I want to die. I don’t want them to know that. I don’t want him to know that. The smoke makes me feel full, it fills the emptiness in my chest that has been longing for something I can’t point out for too long. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this, but I do know it’s enough for me to say that my life probably reduced in half. And maybe that’s what I want. The lit cigarette between my lips made me feel like a bomb waiting for the time I’d explode. I just wish people would take notice and leave me already before they explode with me.
Then there’s Jihoon. He’s black sweaters, alternative music, sweet nothings, and warm embrace.
In trust falls, you do trust that the person will catch you, you just don’t trust if they could handle you. And that’s how I am with Jihoon. He’s been making it seem like he could handle me but, I don’t think he can, but here I am falling. so. fucking. hard.
Jihoon took my hand with both of his and turned it around, I looked at him with the same blank expression. His right hand slowly lifted the cotton sleeve that shielded my wrist. Honey, I don’t keep my masterpiece there. He saw nothing but visible blue veins where my toxic blood flows, his confused eyes lifted up towards me— reading me. His warm hand on my cold skin made me melt like ice on a hot day, I’m weak. “How..”
“You just have to find ways to ruin your body without anyone noticing.’ So I smoke, I drink, I drive on a hazy mind and intoxicated heart. Save me. But I don’t say that, never. “Haha.. You’re so cute, Hoon.” I reached out my free hand to ruffle his soft fluffy hair, he gave me that same scrunched annoyed face he always does when I do this to him. I love being with him, Jihoon reminds me of Saturday sunrise, on top of the roof waiting for the sun to peak out. He is the light at the end of the never ending tunnel that I keep chasing. My hand on his head made me realize just how far he is and I’m losing my energy to keep running. Hoon, please.
He doesn't like bitter coffee. Jihoon makes sure he puts two creamers in his drink or else he frowns when he takes a sip on the warm overly sweet brown liquid. He also seems to put sixty five percent hot coffee and thirty five percent cold water in it. I give him a disgusted face all the time when he does that, I never understand why he's like that but I find myself doing his habits after a while. I learned to love sweet and warm, non tongue burning coffees. Jihoon makes me love things I don't usually like, I just love Jihoon's company. He keeps me safe in this messy world I try to live in.
Are you putting another bag of creamer in my coffee again?” Jihoon glared at me, his soft eyes turning into straight dark lines as his forehead bundles into millions of folds, I chuckled. I like it when he gives me attitude, like I’d get scared of him. He’s too precious for this world. He quietly stirred the cup of warm coffee with a quiet sigh.
It’s almost summer, meaning piled home works, requirements and final exams. I wanted to go for another drive out but the other wanted to stay in his room and study. Saying I’ve been taking him out every night for a secret drive to the edge of the city, “My grades are going bad.” he said, making it seem like I’m a bad influence. Well maybe, I am. I knew I’ve tainted him from the moment I said Hello the first time we met each other. And I guess, he knows this, I’m not good for him but he still chose to stay. Why do you stay?
He throws me his notes and tells me to study. “You can’t possibly get anywhere when you don’t finish school, Soonyoung. It’s hard to survive in this world.” he says, turning his back at me to finish a paperwork that’s due the day after tomorrow.
It’s always been hard to survive in my world, Jihoon. But, again, I don’t tell him that.
Every damn waking day I had has always been dedicated to trying to survive. Well, more like to go and sleep at school since I don’t sleep. I can’t sleep. Even when I’m tired. My father wasn’t such a good role model. Bringing home random girls to blow off steam with every single night, and it’s disgusting hearing them every night. That’s why I drive out during late hours to hopefully get somewhere in my world of nowhere.
It just so happened that maybe if Jihoon accompanied me, even for a night. I’d be somewhere. Somewhere far from the loud noises in my head. Somewhere far from the mess I never asked to live in. I want to run away, I want Jihoon to be with me in my venture. But I know he can’t be. This man I love is meant for something much bigger and greater than what I could offer him. I just want one morning where I could see the sunrise with him, but I can’t have him in daylight.
Daylight would reveal my darkest hollows. My emptiness that has been hidden in the corners of my temple. Stacked up boxes of disappointment and anger in the houses I render. I’m not ready to let him see me so vulnerable under the light of day.
I stare at his back. I just damn wish he’d stop for a second and look at me. How much of a mess I am, wondering why he’s still staying, asking myself what I’ve done to deserve him, telling myself he doesn’t deserve to see me self destruct. He won’t be able to take it well. And I know I won’t be able to take it as well, him finding out I’m slowly dying.
“Hoon. I need to leave.” I stare at the clock, the sun will rise soon. I need to leave. He looks up at me from his seat, his face reads concern. I gave him a smile as I lean down to kiss his forehead, at least this I think I deserve.
I left through his window and drove to where I could hide away my shadow.
Jihoon always stares at me with burrowing eyes. Digging up my exterior as some kind of archaeological site, trying to find an artifact hidden underneath my dirt. As if he wants something from me, and I know what it is. I’m sorry Hoon, I can never let you go through it.
“So are you gonna kiss me or...”
The room had lit up in my eyes, Jihoon welcomed my lips like I haven’t been smoking a few seconds ago. He hated when I smoke, he hated it when he could taste my poison, but tonight is different. Does he know?
My mind went blank, I could feel my tears screaming to be let out. Should this be the last one before I go, at least I think I deserve this much. Can I at least ask for too much from you, Hoon? For the very first and last time. I’m sorry.
I wanted to stay in his embrace, feel him more than I should. If this was the last time I were to feel him, his warmth, his presence, I want to be selfish— maybe ask for more. Much more than I deserve. Would that make me a jerk?
The top of his head smells like apples, the one you get at a local grocery store that his mother usually gets just because she liked the red cap of the oddly shaped bottle. His kisses taste like his overly sweet coffee, he must have drank more than he actually should tonight.
How many times do I have to die to muster up the desperation to admit that i need you?
I stare at the long road ahead of me, wishing that this one never ends. The long road with just me and him, hands together, but I know that this has an end, everything has an end. I’ve been asking for too much without realizing that I do.
Will you ever forgive me, Jihoon?
“Stop staring at me like that. You have me all night to devour” I will give you all my night, save me. “I’m all yours Jihoon.” And forever will be yours. Remember that.
His stare feels like a dull knife trying to cut open my flesh, I could feel the tension and the pressure of his every attempt to slice inside, however, it was not working at all.
Stop staring, Hoon. Stop.
He’s been too quiet. More quiet than usual. The silence is suffocating, silence has always been suffocating. Words in my throat, stuck in between my lungs and tongue, it’s violent and untamed. I need to let him know I need him, I need him to talk to me. Speak to me, quiet my words down with yours, calm the eerie silence in my body, please.
“Why are you so quiet?” I squeezed his hand in time with a light chuckle, masking the desperation of the tone I always try to hide from him. I never wanted to hint to him that I crave for him every single minute. I don’t want him to think I won’t survive without him, even if I really won’t. Giving him that sense of need would only make him hope he could save me, the burden of me slowly slipping away from his grip, and every slight move I make feels like another inch I sink deeper in hell. I can’t let him feel that. He’s okay right now, and I’d want him to continue feeling that way with me while I’m here.
I don’t want you to suffer, I’ll take in every pain for you. But I know that that’s impossible, because one way or another, I’d continue hurting you without my intention.
“I like this song. It reminds me of you.” I stare at the radio, reaching out to turn up the volume a little higher, the lyrics taking the words out of my mouth for me, telling Jihoon I love him so bad, it hurts so good. With every hit of the bass and the pool of sweet words, it gradually drowns out the thoughts going on in my head, trying to figure out how this night will unfold; this band is nice, I always hear Jihoon play them in his room. I wonder if I’ll ruin this for him too. I hope not.
I didn’t know where to take him this time. I wanted to go in circles, hoping this night wouldn’t end. Hoping time would stop for both of us. I don’t wanna leave him, never. Somehow, I took him to my late mother’s favorite beach. Where she used to take me when I was young, tell me stories as we listen to the ocean sing us lullabies. I stayed silent as I let the ocean sing for me and Jihoon, it was always the same melody whenever I came here.
Tonight, the ocean was playing us a different song, only I could hear. Jihoon wouldn’t know, he’s never been here. He doesn’t know how the ocean sings normally for me, now the ocean seems like it’s singing for him. For Jihoon. And maybe when I’m gone, this will be the same song Jihoon will be hearing and I’m honored to have heard it with him. Beside him, holding him in my arms.
I never truly called Jihoon ‘mine’, he’s someone I never deserved, but I wanted to make him happy. And maybe, I wanted to be happy as well. And I was, truly geniunely happy with him. Should this be the last night, I don’t think it’s a happy one. But I am. And I hope he is too.
“Why did you take me here?”
I stare at the sky glistening over the sea, should this be the time I tell him? I could feel like look up at me, and the violent words just diminished. I’m hurting, save me Hoon. Save me. I was longing for him, I am longing for him. I haven’t been gone but I already miss him. I don’t wanna let go, but I don’t know if I deserve to hold on. You don’t deserve to suffer for me, Hoon.
“Jihoon. I’m going away...”
And there it was. The words stuck in my throat for I don’t know how long. Words I tried hiding under my smile, my laughter, my every mask that no one dared to lift up— not even me.
I’m sorry I let you get so attached to me. I’m sorry for being selfish. I should have gone before you even met me. I’m sorry for loving you. I’m selfish. I’m sorry... I love you.
But before I could say anything, he kissed me once more. I feel my whole body tremble, tears streaming out my eyes. He didn’t ask where I’ll be going, and I never told him anything. And maybe, it’s for his own good. It was my last night with the man I loved, my last time with the man who made me happy for a short period of time, and I never regret anything.
We own this night, and it is our night to get lost in each other. I took off all my chains, the cuffs keeping me from taking too much of Jihoon. At least I think I deserve this much, please make me believe I deserve this much.
I drove him home with a smile in my face, laughing at anything and nothing, whispering on his skin as he smile in thin air. We fooled each other in to thinking we’re happy, that nothing was wrong. We chose to ignore the big elephant in the room, not wanting to waste this moment where we know will be the last of us.
I took off my jacket and made Jihoon wear it. It was the jacket he gave me on my 18th birthday. The only jacket I wore ever since. I already took too much for this night, and for all the other nights, I need to return what’s rightfully his, a part of me that maybe I could give him. Not to remember me by, but to let him know that he’s been a part of my life and he’s done a lot for me.
I was just beyond saving.
“Forget me when you wake up.”
It stung. Those words hurt more than what I know I would do once daylight hits.
I never saw you in daylight up close, Hoon. And I don’t think I ever will.Please don’t forget me.