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~ I can hold my breath ~
He remembers feeling hopeless as he felt the last of his strength leave his legs, the combined weight of werewolf and human taxing him beyond his limits and thinking ‘If I could just hold my breath and hold him up, maybe one of us can survive’.
~ I can bite my tongue ~
The blood that filled his mouth after Gerard struck him was bitter with the realization that he couldn’t do anything about it if the geriatric psychopath let him leave alive. He was a message, but if no one knew about the message, than it would dissipate in the chaos of everything going on around them.
~ I can stay awake for days ~
Stiles blinked at the screen as the words blurred for the umpteenth time. Must be time for another Mountain Dew. He yawned and got up to make a trip downstairs when his window slid open and Derek slid through. They stared at each other for a couple seconds before Derek broke the silence.
“What are you doing?”
“Researching for your band of misfits, what does it look like?” Stiles snapped back, although the effect was broken by a yawn. Derek looked at his desk and all the energy drinks littered around it.
“Go to bed, Stiles. There’s always tomorrow.”
“It’s 2am, it is tomorrow.” Stiles told him matter of factly, eyeing his bed. It felt like ages since he’d laid down in it. Over twenty four hours ago, that’s for sure.
“Just for a couple hours. Fucking Alpha pack.” He mumbled, stripping out of his t-shirt and jeans before face planting on the bed.
There was a hint of amusement in Derek’s voice as he said “Goodnight, Stiles.” before the window clicked shut upon his exit. Stiles was asleep seconds later.
~ If that’s what you want ~
~ Be your number one ~
~ I can fake a smile ~
~ I can force a laugh ~
Stiles doesn’t know why he’s here. They’re all together, they’re all alive, they’ve survived things he couldn’t have dreamed of a year ago. He knows people and things he wouldn’t have believed possible a year ago. But he isn’t a part of what’s going on in this gathering they’re having.
He thinks it started after Lydia saved Jackson when they had that showdown with Gerard and killed the old geezer. Erica and Boyd had come back just in time for them all to face the Alpha Pack and prove that they were worthy of the territory. He’d never had any indication that they had said anything about him being tortured down in that basement with them. In fact, Erica had downright taunted him about being so weak a week ago, but no one had known what she was referring to, or the effect it had on him.
His panic attack had almost swallowed him under, but he fought it’s grip and surfaced. It had taken hours for his chest to stop aching. And now, now he was here, laughing and smiling with them as if nothing was wrong, until suddenly... he was just cut out of the main conversation and his smile faded abruptly.
~ I can dance and play the part ~
~ If that’s what you ask ~
~ Give you all I am ~
~ But I’m only human ~
~ And I bleed when I fall down ~
~ I’m only human ~
~ And I crash and I break down ~
“I’m going home.” He announced to the group, standing up. Erica and Boyd looked up briefly, and then turned away, unconcerned. Lydia and Jackson barely acknowledged that he had spoken. Scott looked up from talking with Allison and Isaac, concern filling his gaze. Derek... Derek had been watching him and he didn’t know how to deal with that.
“You alright, dude?” Scott asked, looking like he was trying to get up, but trapped under Allison and Isaac. They wouldn’t let him up though, clung to him and pouted until he stopped resisting. Stiles was going to be sick.
“Yeah, just tired I guess.” His chest hurt. He wasn’t lying about being tired. The impending panic attack at the realization that the people that his world had revolved around for the past year didn’t care about him was more of a concern however. He had to get away.
~ Your words in my head, knives in my heart ~
~ You build me up and then I fall apart ~
~ ‘Cause I’m only human ~
His breathing was rasping through his lungs by the time he got to the jeep. He gave himself five minutes to get the hell out of their hearing range before it took him over. He drove on the edge of being reckless until he was almost in town and the tears were threatening to close up his throat with the combination of his panic attack. He pulled over and parked, struggling to control his body as he thought back to the fact that Scott hadn’t detected anything wrong. All those supernatural senses and nothing.
~ I can turn it on ~
~ Be a good machine ~
~ I can hold the weight of worlds ~
~ If that's what you need ~
~ Be your everything ~
Scott had been there for him through everything. Discovering his ADHD, his mother dying, his fathers brush with alcoholism. Stiles had always known he wasn’t the sort to form casual attachments. It was why he was still best friends with Scott, and why he as only friends with Scott.
After his mom passed, it hadn’t seemed worth it to trust someone else with such a big part of himself if it could be taken away. The one person he trusted and depended on was failing him and Stiles didn’t know where to anchor himself after having his world shifted.
Stiles lungs were aching, screaming for air as he struggled to breathe. He scratched at the skin on his wrists, trying to get the pain to bring him back. Remind him that he’s only human. If he blacks out from his attack and doesn’t get air, it would be downright dangerous for obvious reasons and he can’t fucking breathe.
~ I'm only human ~
~ Just a little human ~
~ I can take so much ~
~ Until I've had enough ~