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Levi likes it when Erwin touches him.
The realization confuses him. The times Levi enjoyed any touch were few and far between, buried under years of regret. Yet, every single time Erwin's hand lands innocently on his shoulder, accidentally across his back, or barely brushing against his knuckles, Levi may as well be lit on fire. He feels as though he is falling apart.
It doesn't mean anything, Levi knows. Erwin is the type of person who doesn't shy away from handshakes and casual embraces. He is the type of person who does so only thoughtlessly and carelessly, no real regard for those around him. He has the body language to match the charismatic personality, both of which Levi is gravely deficient.
Levi likes the sound of his voice too.
It haunts him on expeditions – where he is always the first one Erwin calls to – and he is best not to be distracted. Levi’s name falls, so harmlessly, upon those lips is painful. Over and over. Chills threaten to run down his spine and his hands grow clammy. Like a lovesick girl. It might be a disease. Obsession, adoration, or need. It is dangerous.
As year after year ticks by, it only grows worse. Maybe this is Levi’s retribution for staying alive so long. Maybe this is his punishment. Maybe he is going insane.
This is on his mind when they make camp for the night, one last stop before they reach back to the walls. One more sleepless night spent outdoors before he can jack off in the shower when he gets home.
It is going to be a long one.
He rolls over in his sleeping bag, annoyed with Hange's loud snoring from somewhere nearby. It's been an hour at least since the last guard change for the night so morning can't be far off. The rain that had been pelting them since early afternoon has finally tapered off, but the wet ground seeps through Levi's sleeping bag despite the loosely constructed tent overhead.
Something has been horribly off all day to be making Levi so unreasonably sentimental.
He catches sight of something bright in the tree line and pauses only briefly before he crawls out of his makeshift bed. It's close enough to dawn he sees no reason to continue lying awake to the smell of rain and leaves. He eyes his jacket stacked over his gear, still drying from the onslaught earlier, and leaves it despite the chill of night air. He pulls on his boots, the rest of his uniform still in place, and wanders toward the tree line.
The soldiers on watch are staged in two rows around camp at outposts to see well beyond the clearing of their camp. It's been a smooth expedition, for the most part, no flares gong up and no aberrant titans disrupting them at night.
He steps through the heavier foliage just beyond their clearing, heading toward the torch light he sees in the dark. He judges it should be morning time, the last shift half over. They will head out in a little over an hour but there is time yet to follow stupid whims.
Erwin has a tendency to check the soldiers stationed at each point of the perimeter halfway through each shift - morale or something – so Levi isn't surprised to see him. He poises himself in his path.
"Why are you up?" Erwin asks – stupidly – as though he doesn't know Levi never sleeps on expeditions.
Erwin also has a tendency to say dumb shit late at night.
"I had to take a piss."
Erwin sighs, "If you're feeling lonely, you can just say it. Or am I not the company you were hoping for?"
"Go to hell," Levi mutters, trying to hide the fact Erwin nailed it, even though Levi knows he was only joking. He backs up against a tree and folds his arms, hoping Erwin is not in too much of a hurry to go back to camp. "If I wanted pleasant company, I would have woken Petra up."
"I'm hurt," Erwin says, with a stupid smile.
"No you're not."
Erwin plants his torch in the ground and sits on a nearby tree stump, elbows poised on his knees, and he laughs. He laughs in that soft way that always catches Levi off guard, laughs in that way that makes his gut twist and his heart race.
Levi shuffles uncomfortably and looks down at his feet, where something blue catches his eye. A swatch of fabric, not military. This is an old trail they're heading back on. Evidence is scattered everywhere that the Survey Corps manned that death march through here. It hangs on Levi's mind as heavily as everything else. He went along with it at the time, the same way they all did and Levi stands by his decision to follow Erwin. But there is a chasm there, deeper than the others. He opens his mouth before he can stop himself.
"They weren't soldiers, Erwin."
It comes out of nowhere. They have never talked about it, not once. Levi knows, knows through every inch of his body, that somewhere deep down Erwin feels it. This gets to him. He feels guilt like the rest of them, like everyone. He's not buried his humanity as well as everyone thinks. Levi sees it behind his eyes.
"We don't need to have this discussion here, Levi."
Levi stares at Erwin's face, amid the shadows of torchlight. He studies the turn of his mouth, still so void of any remorse. He's right - he's always right - but Levi does not have to agree. Will not agree. Erwin allowed himself to be backed into a corner and it still hurts. It is one thing to order your own men to their deaths, who vowed to follow you, but they helped pull the gauntlet through the necks of thousands ofcivilians because what – their hands are already so dirty?
"We were wrong about that.” Levi says resolutely. For once Erwin is the one who knows Levi is right, and Levi knows because he says nothing. He laughs darkly to himself, “You need someone to tell you you’re wrong.”
“And you think that person is you?”
Levi clenches his jaw, understanding the problem with his own words. It catches him off guard. They are both broken pieces, no part whole.
He begins to walk off back toward camp, his mind muddled now. Erwin places a hand on his shoulder to stop him as he walks by. Something snaps. Later Levi will take the time to question why that moment was the breaking point, why the glass suddenly tipped over after holding still for so long, and over something so minor. In that moment he only knows that Erwin is the only one he can allow to see him like this.
He rounds on Erwin, angry. He doesn't want that hand there.
Levi twists and grabs Erwin by his arm and hits a pressure point above his elbow. He knows it's painful but for some reason, he wants to hurt, wants to release whatever is bubbling up inside him. This seems like the easiest way.
Erwin isn’t having it.
It is a brief and pointless struggle. Levi tries to punch him. Erwin shoves him against a tree. Levi has the upper hand only so long as he is on his feet. They end up on the ground, Levi’s back against the wet grass.
Once Erwin ends up on top of him, it is over. It wasn't much of a fight to begin with. Maybe Levi lets him win, just a little. He’s not sure how they ended up like this. The irritation, the frustration, is simmering down as quickly as it boiled over. Levi tries to shove Erwin anyway, annoyed to be pushed back and looked down on. He’s grown so tired of this.
"Levi, stop."
Then again, maybe this is a fight they needed a long time ago.
"Calm down." Erwin repeats, keeping the authority in his voice. He pins one of Levi's hands above his head but Levi's other hand continues to shove uselessly at Erwin's chest. He holds Levi down not by his wrists but hands flat on his palm.
Levi likes it when Erwin touches him.
The proximity of Erwin's body moving above Levi suddenly dawns on him and everything else suddenly falls away. Levi somehow forgets that he is flat against muddy ground, covered in dirt and rotting leaves. All he can feel, all he is aware of, is the heat of Erwin's hand on his own and his breath cascading across on his face. Something shifts. Something breaks. Something that hasn’t broken before. When that hot air flutters against Levi's lips, something deep in his gut jolts. In an instance, the air releases from Levi's lungs and this is suddenly a completely different kind of fight. Levi stops trying to push Erwin off and hooks his fingers in the strap across Erwin's chest and tries to pull him down.
Erwin's face tightens and his brow creases but he doesn't budge, still hovering a frustratingly short distance from Levi's already parted lips. Confusion is painted across the lines of his face, as though it has never even occurred to him that Levi wants him, craves him, and for some reason this realization makes Levi angry. His blood boils because he hates that he's felt this, wanted this, alone. He drops the hand from Erwin's chest and grabs Erwin by his hair and slams their lips together.
Erwin does not kiss him back.
Levi feels himself breaking in two. The world spins in slow motion and he's on the ground, falling. Every thought of Erwin that has saturated his mind for one, two three, four years, comes pouring out from the cracks in his bones and seeps through to the surface of his skin. It's like waves of heat emptying from the hole in his heart and bleeding out across the grass amid the trees and the faint morning light.
He will not be denied.
Levi bites Erwin's lip, makes him open his mouth, makes him gasp, and drags his tongue across Erwin's lips and tastes his blood. He grips harder with the hand in his hair and Erwin squeezes tighter against Levi's other hand still pinned to the ground.
It is both satisfying and unsatisfying to be here, like this, everything he's ever wanted from Erwin swirling under his skin. Levi is a mess beneath this man and his words are coming in the form of touch and taste. He no longer remembers how he got here or why he wants this, he just knows he wants more of this. He wants Erwin. He wants him now.
Erwin breaks free long enough to glare at Levi. He looks upset, angry. "Levi, this isn't the time."
"Shut. Up." Levi grits out, knowing full well this situation is absurd. Erwin has pulled back and is out of his reach so Levi pushes his hips up against Erwin's thigh wedged between his legs. The expression on Erwin's face is morphing past confusion and into a mixture of distress and irritation. This is not exactly the face Levi would like him to wear at a time like this, but it suffices, and Levi feels far too desperate to even care. He won't let go.
"You do realize," Erwin starts, his voice frustratingly measured, "We are outside the walls. On the edge of the perimeter. Unarmed. And it is almost daybreak."
Yes. "I said shut up." Levi still remembers where they are. But if they're going to die, maybe now's the time. They can be buried here, side by side.
So Levi gives his answer, panting and grabbing. He continues rolling his hips against Erwin, the movements somewhere between painful and perfect, and he wants so much more. He yanks loose the collar of Erwin's shirt, no longer able to reach Erwin's mouth with his own. His fingers are shaking and his heart still beating as he traces Erwin's skin. He's been waiting for this moment too long to worry about anything else.
Levi kisses and slides his tongue along the fragments of skin he can reach with his lips, tasting the salt of his sweat and trying so fiercely to elicit any response he can. Erwin does nothing to push Levi off. He does nothing to remove himself from Levi's wandering hands. He does nothing to dodge the roll of his hips. Levi pushes himself up further and feels that Erwin is hard too. But he just does not move.
Erwin feels so hot on top of him and the ground so cold and wet below him. "Touch me," Levi demands - begs - growing infuriated from Erwin's lack of response. He wants Erwin's hands on him so badly it's making him crazy.
For the first time, Erwin sounds like he's having trouble keeping calm. "Levi-" he says, in what is clearly intended to be a warning but to Levi's ears it comes off broken and bruised. Erwin sounds almost weak, his mind trying to analyze this situation, to fix it - to fix Levi and whatever has gone awry inside him. But Levi believes fully he is wearing Erwin down, believes he is going to get his way. Levi finally has him where he wants him. Levi is going to win his argument.
He bucks up against Erwin again and grips his fingers around Erwin's hand where he's still pinned down.
Erwin leans down. His voice is barely a murmur, his lips brushing the shell of Levi's ear, "You have exactly five minutes."
Erwin finally releases Levi's hand so he can lean down more comfortably on his elbow and reaches down with his other hand to roughly palm Levi's swollen erection. The hand on the ground grips Levi's hair and keeps his head rooted to the ground. "We are going to have a long talk about this when we get back." Erwin hisses.
Then Erwin's fingers undo the clasp on his jeans and he hears his zipper being pulled down. Levi's cock twitches in anticipation. Erwin slides his hand beneath the belts crossed over Levi's groin but keeps his fingers above the fabric of Levi's boxers, rubbing him hard and quick, heavy-handed but experienced with the flick of his wrist. Levi would much rather his fingers wrap directly around him, his mouth around him, anything, but he also knows they are both filthy and in too much a hurry. This will have to be enough. Levi continues to rut against Erwin's hand, shallow breaths turning to groans, and then to moans.
Levi is already wet beneath the fabric of his pants and attuned to the slick sounds. He presses harder against Erwin's palm, wants him to feel that as strongly as he feels it. He will not believe this is unrequited, that Erwin doesn't want this somewhere deep down. He cannot imagine that Erwin doesn't enjoy this, all that Levi gives him by letting him see this all come out, this desperation he's held in for so long.
Levi closes his fingers around Erwin's other hand where he's still pinned down. Erwin's lowered himself so that his face is in the crook of Levi's neck, his hair brushing against Levi's cheek. Levi smells him, even beneath the rain and the grass, musky and sweet and so completely Erwin. Levi is so close to losing it.
"One minute," Erwin chimes, lips brushing, teasing almost-kisses along Levi's jaw.
"Fuck you." Levi responds, his voice straining to remain acidic. He ruts harder into Erwin's hand.
Erwin responds in kind by tightening his grip on Levi's cock, thumbing over the head, on top of the wet fabric. Levi grips at Erwin desperately and tries to pull himself up so his face is buried against Erwin's neck but Erwin still holds tightly to his hair. "Fuck! Keep that up!" Levi cries, loudly enough the camp can probably hear him from a stone's throw away. Erwin seems to agree, and shushes Levi, exasperated. The effort seems pointless to Levi because if they heard, then they already heard, and fuck it.
This isn’t what he intended, Levi thinks. The world is growing light around them. It’s raining again. He wants. He needs. An anchor. To something.
Levi's orgasm hits so fast and hard that his body shakes. His mouth falls open and Erwin's hand lets go of his hair to land firmly against his lips, holding in whatever broken sound is escaping there. Levi does not care, not anymore, riding the waves until he can feel the semen caked to his underwear.
Reality sets in quickly then, like he's falling and the ground is rushing up to meet his back, jacked rocks and sharp branches all against him. Erwin is off of him and adjusting his uniform wordlessly and Levi tries to breathe, to steady himself. He sits up, dizzy, cringing in disgust at the stickiness between his legs - all his own doing, he knows. He's also steadily becoming increasingly aware of the mud caked to his arms, the wetness on his back, and the dirt under his nails. He's strangely hesitant to meet Erwin's gaze but he does it anyway. What choice does he have?
Erwin is regarding him oddly, like the reality of what just happened is only just now sinking in. He looks critical but curious, with the subtle tilt of his head. There is no remorse, not that Levi expected it. It is as though Levi is a puzzle he's trying to piece together - one meant only for him to solve.
His voice cuts through the silence between the rustling leaves, "You can clean yourself up when we get back. We need to head out. Now."
Erwin's voice sounds impatient, like a parent too worn out to deal with their petulant toddler and done with excuses. Levi glares up at him, his temper subdued by his lingering embarrassment. He won't show that shame though, only tastes the bile burning the back of his throat.
He turns to leave without another word and Levi grimaces behind him, still seated awkwardly in the grass and mud. With a heavy breath, he haphazardly zips himself up and stands. He follows Erwin's shadow back to camp, painfully aware of the fluids dripping down his thighs.
There is no turning back.