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“Be careful what you wish for, Clara Oswald!” he said with a bittersweet smile. “It’s a very dark place to go.”
He was dead serious. Inside of him was a darkness, a battlefield full of death and destruction, fire, screams and pain. No place anyone should be forced to see. He looked down at his human companion. Clara, proud, brave Clara. Too brave for her fragile human body. His hearts clenched. The way she looked up to him, with her eyes, full of trust. He was not convinced that this trust was justified. No, he decided, not justified at all.
He felt a sudden panic. Telepathy? Oh, how could he even think about using it on Clara! Especially not in this incarnation. This self was not even able to find the right words, couldn’t say what he actually wanted to say. It always came out wrong. Heck, sometimes he even managed to get his own facial expressions wrong, obviously scaring people when he just tried to look friendly.
Telepathy? Something that was much harder to control and much more dangerous, especially when connecting something fragile like a tiny human brain to the brain of a timelord? To make matters worse, a timelord in a second regeneration cycle. A malfunction that probably meant too many memories were stored in a brain with a capacity for only 12 lives. He made a terrible mistake when allowing a connection and he hoped he had not already damaged her.
He looked at her carefully. She looked alright. A little tired and there were still the marks of the Dalek probes on her temples – he flinched at the memory – but otherwise pink, soft, roundish, brown eyes all over the face, shiny brown hair. Yes, she looked just perfect, as always. He allowed himself a sigh of relief. Oh, wait a minute, she did something with her tiny eyebrows, something he couldn’t quite place. Was she confused or cross? Hard to tell. He sometimes only knew what it was when she slapped him.
“What are you thinking about?” Clara asked.
“Nothing.”
“Doctor? You look concerned?” She lifted her eyebrow.
Suddenly he felt the panic and the anger taking over, accompanied by his old enemy self-loathing. He pulled himself together, straightened his back, cleared his throat and said:
“Listen. You know now why I don’t like hugging. Problem solved. Now off to bed, it was a long day!”
He turned around and made his way to his room as fast as he dared without running. Effectively he was running away, and he knew it very well. And he knew that Clara knew it, too. He already hated himself for it.
He locked the door behind him. He made it to the opposite wall and smashed his head against it. Hard. A second time. He heard the TARDIS making a disapproving noise. He didn’t care. The pain helped him to release some of the tension. He smashed his head against the wall one more time to a louder protest from the TARDIS. Good. He felt he was slowly coming to his senses again.
Another reason the telepathic link was not a good idea. Definitely not. All the hate, the desperation and the unstoppable fury he felt boiling within him. Even if just a fraction was leaking out, it would scare Clara to death. He didn’t want her to be scared of him. He wanted her to feel safe by his side. How could she when she got an idea of all the darkness he hid within his soul? The things that kept him from being the good man he wanted to be. They scared him a great deal. How much more would they scare her.
He slowly walked to the window. Stars. When they were in the Vortex, the TARDIS projected a galaxy she found fitting. He didn’t realize the one she chose this time immediately. He squinted until he realized it was the Milky Way. Why this one?
The TARDIS hummed, which he deciphered as “common, that’s an easy one”.
“This galaxy is the home of Earth” he mused.
The TARDIS hummed her consent.
“You try to tell me I’m a pudding brain?”
The TARDIS hummed something to the effect “Not wrong, but not what I tried to tell you.”
“It’s a beautiful spiral. Millions and millions of stars and planets, dancing together. I don’t see what you are trying to tell me.”
He shrugged. At least having a problem to solve let him relax. He released his clenched fists and let his hands rest on the windowsill. He looked at the projection of the galaxy. He mused at all the stars and the planets. Somewhere was a little blue ball dancing around the bright, hot ball of the sun. And on this little blue ball lived an amazing species, a species he adored for their curiosity and ingenuity, their will to explore and adapt without ever giving up, their kindness and comradeship. Yes, some humans were pudding brains and they did a lot of dumb things but among them were the Lethbridge-Stewards, the Rose Tylers, the Martha Jones, the Amy Ponds, the Clara Oswalds. There was love and there was beauty and there were endless possibilities.
The TARDIS hummed her approval. Then it played a chord and the first note of the chord.
“This was only one part of what you tried to tell me?”
The TARDIS hummed. Then she changed the projection to zoom into the center of the galaxy.
“The center of the galaxy. Sagittarius A*. A black hole. The center of our galaxy is a black hole. Dark and menacing, swallowing everything, planets, stars, even light.”
The TARDIS hummed and played the chord twice.
“What? In the end the black hole will have swallowed everything beautiful. Is that what you are trying to tell me?”
He began pacing the room, clenching his fists again.
“Yes, yes, quite like a black hole I destroy everything that is beautiful around me. I destroy whole species. I destroy whole worlds that I wanted to save initially. I take people on board of you and then I fly them to dangerous places. They trust me and I put their lives at risk. They become injured at best. They are killed or taken away from me. I kill them. I am a destroyer of worlds and a destroyer of my companions. Thank you very much, I know that already, I don’t need you to rub it in!”
And along with the last words he smashed his right fist against the wall, again and again. The TARDIS gave a disapproving sound that nearly sounded desperate. When he finally stopped, breathing hard, she tried again.
She showed him the center of the universe again, specifically the black hole, playing a set of eight notes, a solemn melody, but already a beautiful theme. Then she began zooming out, adding more notes until finally the whole spiral of the galaxy was there, and she was playing a beautiful song based on the central theme.
While he felt the pain spread from his right hand up his arm, calming his troubled nerves, he looked at the galaxy and listened to the beautiful melody. He slowly shook his head. He didn’t get what his beloved ship tried to tell him.
“It’s not complete without the hole, Doctor.”
He darted around. Clara stood in the open door, leaning to the door post.
“I…The door was locked!” He scowled.
“Obviously, the TARDIS thought it was not a good idea to leave you alone. And looking at your fists and your forehead, I’d say she has a point.”
Instinctively his hand shot to his forehand to feel a light bruise. Nothing, really, but she seemed concerned anyway, if he was reading her face right. He turned his back to Clara, feeling shame and guilt. She shouldn’t see him like this. He cursed the TARDIS for betraying him and he cursed himself because he let it happen. He clenched his fists again, staring out of the window to the galaxy.
He heard light steps behind him and for a moment he feared she would hug him without his consent. He was not sure if he could cope with that at the moment. But to his relief she settled for standing beside him, also staring out of the window.
“The black hole is the center of the galaxy and all the beauty spins around it. The galaxy would not be complete without the black hole. And because we can see the ultimate darkness of the black hole, we can appreciate the beauty and the diversity of the whole galaxy around it even more.”
The TARDIS hummed her approval to Clara’s words.
The Doctor closed his eyes. His anger had ceased, replaced by a feeling of emptiness. Usually this feeling was accompanied by loneliness. That was different now, because Clara was standing next to him. But this made it even worse, because now he felt caught and ashamed. He felt like crawling under the next rock or at least his bed and just disappear. He couldn't make sense of her words.
The TARDIS played the melody lowly again.
“Can’t you see: It’s the same with you, Doctor. There might be a darkness inside of you, but it is only one part of you. And the other parts of the Doctor, his courage, his resourcefulness, his intelligence, his kindness, his humor, his will to save even the smallest creature, his care for his companions, all these traits shine even brighter because there is this darkness. It is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing you need to hide, because it makes you whole.”
She had turned to him and slowly placed her right hand over his right fist, carefully avoiding the bleeding knuckles. He thought about retreating from her touch, but if he was honest, it felt quite good, her small hand radiating warmth and comfort. He slowly allowed his fingers to uncurl.
He still wasn’t quite sure what they, the TARDIS and his impossible girl, tried to tell him. But he realized one thing: Clara was serious when she told him she wanted to be by his side. She had seen what happened when the rage took control over him. And still, there she was, standing beside him, obviously not afraid of him. And she didn’t despise him. Even accepting that there was this hate and this fury and this deep desperation inside of him. All throughout his lives he had tried to suppress them and make them go away. And now she told him that these parts belonged to him. His mind couldn’t process what she meant.
She was holding his bleeding hand with her small hand in a nearly protective manner. It felt good. He concentrated on this feeling. They stood like that in silence and listened to the beautiful song.
After a while Clara asked:
“Have you ever thought about what a black hole thinks of itself?”
“Black holes don’t think, Clara Oswald!” He nearly managed a smile at the ridiculousness of her idea.
“I know that, Doctor, I’m not stupid!”
She looked up to him. Was that a smile in the corner of her mouth? Could be. Human faces were confusing. At least she was not cross, she hadn’t retreated her hand from his. In fact, her thumb stroked his thumb, the only finger that was still intact and didn’t hurt like hell.
“But if we assume, they could, just for a moment.” She continued. “If the black hole would be like Missy, she’d probably think she is so almighty the whole galaxy is afraid of her and she swallows it anyway. She shows no mercy. She’s the mightiest being in this whole universe.”
He smiled a little. Yes, as ridiculous as the whole idea of thinking black holes was, this was exactly how a Missy Black Hole would sound. He felt Clara carefully wrapping her left arm around his right arm as she continued:
“And if the black hole is like the Doctor… My Doctor… It will probably think that it is his fault that all the galaxy spirals towards him and is finally absorbed by him. And he will imagine how terrible this is for every little star that disappears in him. And he will feel ashamed for it, beating himself up for it.”
He was still not sure where she was heading with this.
“The question is, Doctor: what are they both missing?” she asked.
He frowned and thought about the whole hypothetical scenario at hand. Oh… oh! His eyes lit up.
“It’s just the nature of a black hole that everything is absorbed by them, it is neither their doing, nor is it their fault.”
“Exactly! Excellent! What else?”
He felt suddenly happy, not only because he could provide the right answer for his teacher, his impossible girl, but especially because she gave him her brightest smile and looked at him with shining eyes. His posture straightened and he felt the urge to fold his hands and twiddle his thumbs but thought better of it. For one because his right hand was still throbbing violently and then, because it would have meant to let go of Clara. Instead he hummed and knotted his eyebrows as he thought. Suddenly he beamed:
“They are not destroying the galaxy. Well, technically, yes, perhaps, but over an extremely long period of time, even for a timelord’s standards. And there are a million other reasons for stars, planets and living beings dying before they even come near the black hole.”
“Ace!” Clara exclaimed and rested her head on his upper arm. The TARDIS had found another melody she found fitting and played it.
“See, the black hole won’t destroy the Milky Way or the Earth. It’s there and it seems menacing, but if you look closely, it isn’t. It’s part of the galaxy, just like everything else. Yes, it swallows stars, but there are stars born every day and this old universe expands, so for every beauty lost, there is beauty gained.” She kneaded his lower right arm with her left hand while she continued.
“It’s the same with the darkness inside of you. It’s there, it’s a part of you and it might look quite impressive and menacing. But like the black hole compared to the galaxy, it’s pretty small compared to everything else that comprises you. Nothing to be afraid or ashamed of, either. It is what it is. It won’t swallow the other parts of you. There is so much more to you, you are a whole galaxy of good things and this is just a tiny little black hole.”
She paused and he saw her smirking up at him, eyes twinkling:
“And we’ve seen that black holes are a bit dumb, better not listen to them too much and especially don’t let them guide your decisions, hm?”
He nodded. The message was slowly sinking in. He was not sure about the feeling that crept up inside, spreading. A sudden warmth he couldn’t quite place. He felt it surrounding his hearts, feeling lighter, feeling like a weight was lifted slightly that sat there for ages. And, much to his surprise, he felt the sudden urge to feel her closer.
He carefully shielded his brain. Then he freed his right arm from her, only to wrap it around her right shoulder. She looked up to him, surprised, but definitely not cross. Good. After a short moment he felt her left arm around his waist. It didn’t feel awkward. It felt just right. They stood in silence and listened to the music, staring out at the projection of the Milky Way which the TARDIS let spin slowly so they could admire the whole beauty.
He sent a short mental note to the TARDIS, thanking her for being the best companion of the non-human variety a troubled timelord could have. Adding that she was for sure the most intelligent ship that ever left the workshops of Gallifrey. The TARDIS made a sound that he loved to hear – the sound of a flattered time machine.
Then he looked down at the small woman beside him. The one who had shattered herself to pieces to save him. The one who brought him to terms if he was about to do something stupid. The one who anchored him and reminded him of what was good and important in the universe. The one who slapped him if need be. The one who was always by his side to fight whatever the stupid old universe was sending their way. And the one who for some strange reason accepted the whole of him, including all his flaws and failures.
“You are incredible, Clara Oswald.” He finally uttered.
“You mean impossible?” She replied.
“Both. My impossible girl is an incredibly wise woman.”
The TARDIS hummed her approval and he pulled her closer to his side as they continued to watch the beautiful galaxy revolving around a small black hole.