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“Do you ever wonder why it’s us, specifically?” Mello asks.
“No,” the other five occupants chorus in bland unison. They sit at a reasonably sized wooden table in what appears to be a cozy little home library. Each person has a number of cards in their hands and six face-down cards in front of them, and there is a modest pile of cards in the center of the table. The space is well-lit and would appear perfectly normal, except for the lack of an exit. The only window, which has no latch, shows a lovely rural landscape that fades gradually into eerie blankness.
“It’s just that there’s nothing that links us and precludes all the other people who aren’t here,” Mello continues as if no one had spoken. He points at Light. “You’re the only one who used the Death Note, and Misa’s not here anyway.” He points at Beyond. “You weren’t even involved in the Kira case.” He points at Matt. “And you weren’t killed by a Death Note!”
Matt groans and thumps his head onto the table. “Mello. Mels. Melly-boo. I’m literally begging you. It’s your turn. Please just go.”
Mello mutters something under his breath but picks up his cards anyway. They’re playing a card game that Naomi learned in high school. They have played many card games to pass the time in this room, but Jailbreak is the one they keep coming back to. The card on top of the center pile is a five. Mello has some high cards he could play, but after a moment of thought, he places down two sevens. The next person will have to play something lower than seven.
“Ah, thank you,” L says, laying down a three next, “I thought I would never get to use that.”
Wordlessly, Light lays down a king.
“Fuck you,” Matt curses, "You would be the one to go straight to a king from a three." He doesn't have any cards to play on top of a king, so he reluctantly picks up all of the cards in the center pile and sets to work on sorting all of his new cards into his hand. “You didn’t even have to do that. I know you have some nines.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” says Light, who doesn’t have to lie to any of these people anymore but still does it anyway, just to be an asshole. He catches L leaning over to get a glimpse of his cards and elbows him in the ribs.
Naomi and Beyond’s turns pass uneventfully, and then Mello speaks up again. “It’s just kind of a bland afterlife, you know? And some of us definitely deserve much worse than this.”
Beyond rolls his eyes. “We know, Mello, this weird boring afterlife offends your delicate Catholic sensibilities. We could go back to trying to kill each other if that would make you happy.”
It is a testament to how long they have been in this room that none of them react to the suggestion. ‘Killing’ was a very touchy subject for a while.
Mello hasn't been a child for many, many years, but the dismissive words from a man he used to look up to still make him bristle. “Yeah well, I’m not crazy about the idea that I deserve exactly the same afterlife as Mister God Complex With A Body Count over here.”
Light disdainfully lays down three nines. “The feeling is mutual.” It had been a major blow to his pride, finding himself in this room with these people who represented everything he fought against. He privately wonders if this is his Hell, sometimes, but he tries to remind himself that Death Note users cannot go to Heaven or Hell. He's still not sure if this knowledge is reassuring or not.
The stakes in the game are currently very low. Matt has the most cards at the moment, and he uses each turn to play as many cards as possible. Then Naomi and Beyond, who seem to have all of the tens, 'burn' the center pile, taking those cards out of play. The pile of burnt cards grows bigger.
This goes on for several rounds until Naomi, with an ever so slightly smug expression, plays a joker.
Matt whistles lowly while Naomi grabs the entire pile of burnt cards and places them in the center pile, bringing them back into play. “Better watch out,” he comments.
The tension around the table rises exponentially as everyone eyes the hoard of cards on the table. At least half the deck is in that pile. Whoever has to pick up that pile will have a hell of a time catching up. Not to mention the fact that all of the tens and most of the twos are in that pile, and none of the aces have been put into play yet.
“Watch out for what?” Beyond asks, but he is already placing an ace delicately atop the pile.
Everyone freezes.
By playing an ace, Beyond gets to choose a player to send the pile to. The chosen player can avoid picking up the cards by burning the pile with a ten, negating the ace with a two, or redirecting it with another ace. But the tens and twos are all in the pile, and wherever the other aces are, they haven't come into play yet.
Naomi and Matt stare coolly at Beyond, relatively confident that Beyond wouldn’t dare send those cards their way. Light, Mello, and L all glare warningly at him. No words are spoken, but their eyes all promise pain.
Beyond grins and rests his chin on his hands, gazing delightedly at his fellow players. Still grinning, he locks eyes with L and pointedly nudges the pile his way.
The others all relax, settling in to watch L and Beyond fight this out. L eyes the pile with the air of a man who can tell he is being baited and knows he’s going to bite anyway. He lays another ace on top of the previous one. Beyond just watches L with a self-satisfied smirk.
Instead of pushing the pile back towards Beyond, L pushes the pile towards Light.
The reaction is immediate. “Fuck you, L. Killing you was the best day of my life. I wish I could do it again, personally this time.”
“Yes, I value our friendship as well. Now pick up the cards.”
A moment passes in which Light clearly considers the pros and cons of punching L in the face. He settles for shoving him off his chair, his stupid crouched position making it easy. Finally, with one last venomous glare at the man who is now laying in a tangled heap on the floor, he gathers up the pile and begins the arduous process of sorting through his new cards.
Despite Light’s rage, everyone else at the table is pleased. Matt and Beyond in particular look elated by the turn of events.
The game picks up, as everyone but Light and Matt manages to empty their hands and move on to using their face-down cards. Now that two aces have been brought into play, the game starts flowing more naturally. By the time Light finally manages to get the cards in his hand down to a reasonable number, he notices something of critical importance.
“L only has one card left,” he warns.
“Shit,” Mello says. He looks at the center pile, which currently consists of only a few cards. They'll have to force L to pick up cards, but there's no point when the pile is that small. “I have an eight, I can skip him this round. Who has an ace?”
“Three of them are burnt, and we haven’t found the fourth yet,” Matt answers. “What’s your highest card, Mels?”
“...A nine.”
A chorus of swears rings out.
Naomi takes charge. “Mello, skip him. Everyone just play as many cards as you can this round. Beyond can play a two on his turn, and then Mello will be free to play the nine. We’ll just have to risk it.”
“I don’t recall agreeing to sacrifice one of my twos,” Beyond mutters, but he pulls a single card from his hand regardless, ready for his turn.
The next several turns happen in quick succession. Mello plays an eight to skip L. Light, Matt, and Naomi play multiple cards each. By the time Beyond places down his two, the center pile has grown to a respectable level. If they can force L to pick it up, they won’t have to worry about him for several more rounds.
L just smiles placidly, tapping his single remaining card against the table.
Mello pauses, staring directly at L. “What if he has something higher?”
“Then he’s already won,” Light says flatly. “Just play the card.”
Mello keeps staring at L. “I have a seven. If he has a higher card, he’ll have to pick up the pile.” L’s expression does not change.
“Oh Christ, not this again,” Beyond moans.
“Statistically, the nine is the safer bet,” Matt chimes in. “He has more options if you play the seven.”
“That’s if he had an equal chance of having any card. We have no way of knowing what the actual probabilities are,” Naomi says.
Beyond’s head hits the table with an audible thunk. Everyone ignores him.
“Maybe I have the fourth ace,” L remarks. His expression remains perfectly placid and calm. He continues tapping his card against the table.
If he has an ace, there is nothing anyone can do to prevent him from winning.
“Just play the damn card,” Light demands impatiently.
This would normally result in an argument about who gets to boss who around, but Mello is too focused on trying to decipher any flicker of thought in L’s face. Finally, with the air of some poor shmuck who got roped into being the one to defuse the bomb, Mello lays down the seven. For a moment, the room is perfectly still. Several occupants find themselves thinking about Schrodinger’s cat. In this brief moment, the seven laying innocently at the center of the table is both the correct and incorrect card. L has neither won nor lost.
L smirks.
“God fucking dammit!”
“I fucking knew it!”
“Cheating piece of shit-”
L deliberately lays down his three atop the pile. Victory is sweet.
The afterlife works like this: those who bring pain into the world receive an unpleasant eternity, and those who bring joy receive a blissful one.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who deserve something in between, and sometimes those people's happiness is contingent on the presence of someone who otherwise would have gotten a much worse fate. Situations like these aren’t entirely uncommon. In these cases, the universe is very good at finding a balance.
In this particular case, it worked out like this: Light and L, Matt and Mello, and Beyond and Naomi will all spend eternity with the person they connected with most sincerely during their lives.
And they will spend eternity surrounded by literally the most annoying people they have ever fucking met.
And they will play the most infuriating and entertaining card games anyone has ever played, together, for eternity.