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It wasn’t exactly a secret in the twice dorms that most of them liked girls. Some, like Sana or Jihyo, had come out to the girls and told them that they were gay (Or bi, in Jihyo’s case). Others, like Nayeon and Momo, didn’t really say anything, but weren’t exactly subtle about making out with each other.
And then there was Tzuyu.
Tzuyu was fine with them being gay, really. She just found it a little weird that she was the only straight girl there. Not that she was even sure she was straight; it was more like she just didn’t have any interest in anyone. Sure, she could look at photos of Jeongyeon and agree that she would make an amazing girlfriend, or talk about how much she loved one of the swordsmen in a fantasy drama they all watched together, but she didn’t really feel anything, not the way the others did. When Sana talked about wanting Sunmi’s strap or Jeongyeon and Jihyo admired a man’s jawline, she just… didn’t get it. Objectively sure, hot people existed, but all Tzuyu could find for them was a sense of aesthetic appreciation.
“Maybe you’re ace?” Jihyo suggested, when Tzuyu admitted this to her one day. “Not that you need to label yourself if you don’t want to, but if you’re looking for someone who understands I know a friend or two.”
Tzuyu shrugged, not really that bothered by it all. It wasn’t a big deal, dating and sex weren’t exactly a priority considering how hectic idol life could be. None of their jokes and innuendos ever upset her either, even though she couldn’t really relate to them.
Sometimes though, she found herself looking at Jihyo and wondering. Everyone always called her cute, but in Tzuyu’s eyes she was more… beautiful. Whenever they did photoshoots, Tzuyu would end up staring at Jihyo’s photos in awe. Was that gay? Was that what people meant, when they talked about having crushes?
Tzuyu didn’t think so. To her, gay was the gleam in Sana’s eyes when looked at Jihyo’s photos, loudly declaring that she wanted Jihyo to suffocate her with her thighs. Or how she blushed when Jihyo laughed and kissed her to shut her up. Tzuyu didn’t have that thirst, or those heart pounding, butterflies-in-your-stomach crushes that romance novels went on about. It was different for her.
“You liked those kisses, didn’t you?” Jihyo once asked her, after everyone had given Tzuyu her birthday kisses at a fan sign. “You’re still blushing.”
Tzuyu nodded, a shy smile on her face. Jihyo opened her arms and Tzuyu gladly snuggled into them, happy to rest after the tiring event. Jihyo gently ran a hand through Tzuyu’s hair, and Tzuyu smiled at the warmth she felt.
Jihyo was always so warm, from her natural glow to her sunny smile and comforting presence. Sometimes just looking at her was enough to make Tzuyu feel warm. Others might think that meant something romantic, especially combined with how beautiful Jihyo was to Tzuyu. But really, it was nothing like that.
She just thought Jihyo was pretty. In a platonic way.
Dahyun made Tzuyu blush sometimes. She was also really pretty, and when she leant over so that her face was just inches from Tzuyu’s face, Tzuyu couldn’t stop the heat in her cheeks. But she didn’t really think that was a crush either. Just a normal reaction when someone got too close into your personal space.
A crush would be how Dahyun and Momo always loved being nose to nose. Tzuyu likened it to a game of gay chicken, and it came to no one’s surprise when Momo snapped first and actually leant across to kiss Dahyun properly one day. That was what you did when you had a crush on someone. Tzuyu blushing because Dahyun crept into her bed for cuddles and was now sleeping with her face inches away? That was merely a side effect of having such a pretty friend.
Completely platonic admiration. Just like with Jihyo.
There were moments though. Moments when she wondered, but only a little bit. When Dahyun would put an arm around her shoulder and hug her extra tight, or when she’d laugh loudly at something Tzuyu said and call her adorable. Small moments that made her think about what it would be like, being Dahyun’s girlfriend.
It would never be her, could never be her. But thinking was harmless. It didn’t have to mean anything. Didn’t mean she liked girls or wanted to kiss them. Just… thinking. About how nice it would be to have Dahyun take care of her like a girlfriend.
It was pleasant to daydream about. Tzuyu knew that whoever Dahyun ended up with would be very lucky, to get someone so pretty and so kind.
So very, very pretty.
Tzuyu didn’t really think about it that much, but sometimes it was unavoidable. Like when they were at a variety show and she got asked which member she’d like to date if she was a guy. Jeongyeon was always her go-to option for questions like that. She was the girl all the younger trainees always gossiped about how pretty and cool she was. It was no surprise she got given the girl-crush label once they debuted.
Not that Tzuyu was just going along with the crowd, she really did understand why Jeongyeon was the one who made all their hearts flutter. She had this charisma about her, and a jawline Tzuyu found better than any of the ones she saw on those handsome male actors. When she said Jeongyeon would be an amazing girlfriend, she meant it. If Tzuyu ever did end up dating someone, she’d very much wish for a girl like Jeongyeon.
But Jeongyeon deserved someone who was actually into her, and that wasn’t Tzuyu. She just liked Jeongyeon as a friend, and appreciated her style and her visuals and her personality. It’s why she wasn’t upset when she accidentally walked in on Jeongyeon and Mina kissing. She was just happy for them. If she were to hypothetically be jealous, she didn’t actually know which one she would be more envious of.
She didn’t think the lump in her throat was out of envy. Probably shock, more than anything. Maybe a bit disappointed that she couldn’t keep using Jeongyeon as her go-to “Who would you date?” answer, because that would be more than a little awkward now. But jealousy? No, that definitely wasn’t what she was feeling. Not when she knew she never had a chance.
Of course Jeongyeon would never consider her. Tzuyu was probably too young for her, and she didn’t even like girls. And of course Mina would be into Jeongyeon, Jeongyeon was amazing. It made total sense that they’d be attracted to each other.
After all, they were both really pretty.
Another question that was commonly asked was who her first crush was. Tzuyu usually talked about some random celebrity from a show she watched as a kid, but really whenever that topic came up her mind always wandered to Sana for some reason.
It was weird. She’d never really had a crush on Sana, but maybe a friend crush? Back during Sixteen and debut days, when Sana was this pretty, clever, older girl who’d looked at Tzuyu and for some reason decided to take care of her. Brief moments, like Sana brushing her hair back from her forehead, or hugging Tzuyu after a hard day’s practice, always left Tzuyu with a warm glow in her chest.
It fit her definition of a crush, but Tzuyu always dismissed it. It wasn’t fuelled by attraction, like Sana and Jihyo’s flirting. It was just the euphoria of making a new friend. Especially such a cool, pretty, and talented one. If thinking that about Sana made her gay, then that must mean Tzuyu had crushes on every single member.
Which she didn’t. Obviously. She just thought Sana was…
Ugh.
It almost felt dismissive, labelling all the girls as pretty to try and sum up how she felt towards them. But with Sana it was impossible to avoid. Everything about Sana was pretty, from her laugh to her personality to the way she danced. It was the one word that popped into Tzuyu’s head, time and time again, when she looked at her.
“Pretty.” She mumbled out loud one day, watching Sana strut into the waiting room, ready for a performance.
Sana winked at her, and Tzuyu ducked her head, hoping that her embarrassment wasn’t too visible.
While Tzuyu was of the firm belief that she didn’t have a crush on any of the members, the fans thought differently. Tzuyu was surprised to hear that they thought she had a crush on Nayeon, then embarrassed when she saw the number of gifs of her staring at the older member.
To an outside observer, she could see why they’d look at those gifs and think it was a crush. But really, Nayeon was just someone who Tzuyu found fascinating. Her mind worked so differently to Tzuyu’s, but as well as that, her beauty had so many layers. Tzuyu hadn’t really payed much attention to Nayeon at first, but the more time the spent together the more Nayeon’s visuals began to interest her. Her eyes, her nose, her lips, her teeth, they were all so pretty.
It wasn’t a crush; it was something else. Like staring at a particularly beautiful work of art, deeply studying it and observing all the little intricacies that went into creating such a masterpiece. Because aesthetically speaking, Nayeon’s face was incredible.
Sometimes Tzuyu wondered if Nayeon’s body was as much of a work of art as her face. Jeongyeon and Jihyo probably knew, the three of them had fooled around a lot when they were younger. It wouldn’t exactly be hard for Tzuyu to see Nayeon naked, modesty wasn’t a huge thing at the dorms. But she never acted on those impulses or told Nayeon about them. She would probably think it was weird.
Tzuyu found it kind of weird too. Fantasizing about girls was normal. Nayeon would probably be flattered if she told her. But fantasizing about girls you weren’t attracted to? Tzuyu wasn’t so sure about that one. They’d probably laugh at her, or claim she was in denial.
She wasn’t in denial. Just because she wanted to see a girl’s body naked didn’t make her gay. Maybe she just wanted to admire how pretty Nayeon was.
If there was one member she could trust wouldn’t laugh at her when she said that, it would be Mina. Mina was kind, and soft, and never made fun of Tzuyu no matter how silly she was. But something held Tzuyu back from telling her.
It was the way Mina looked at her, or rather didn’t. She blushed any time she made eye contact with Tzuyu for too long, and Tzuyu had caught her staring at her chest more than once. It didn’t bother her, but it did make her reluctant to talk about the Nayeon Thing with her. If Mina had a crush on Tzuyu, then Tzuyu didn’t want to give her false hope.
It made her sad, sometimes. That she couldn’t like Mina back the same way. She’d be a really nice girl to date, full of soft cuddles and back hugs. Tzuyu would enjoy it a lot, but she didn’t think she could really satisfy Mina the way Mina deserved from a girlfriend.
Which was why she didn’t talk to Mina about any girl stuff. Guy stuff, on the other hand, was a lot simpler. It was still kind of embarrassing to talk about, but Mina didn’t judge her as much as the others probably would.
It was during Knock Knock promotions that it happened. They were sitting on the couch while the other girls showered after a tiring music stage. Tzuyu wasn’t really paying that much attention to the TV, content to zone out. But then something caught her eye. The main actor in the drama, he was…
Oh.
So this is what people meant when they talked about attraction.
Mina seemed to notice the look on Tzuyu’s face, because she turned curiously to face the younger girl. Tzuyu sighed, but didn’t see the point in hiding it.
“That actor.” She nodded at the screen. “He’s very handsome, isn’t he?”
“I guess so.” Mina’s face screwed up in an expression Tzuyu knew well. “Not really my type though.”
And oh how Tzuyu wished she could say the same. Her miserable pout made Mina tilt her head questioningly, and Tzuyu only hesitated for a second before confessing.
“I think I’m… straight.”
Mina burst into giggles, causing Tzuyu to frown. Before she could get huffy Mina quickly reached over to hug her.
“I’m sorry.” Mina’s body still shook with laughter. “You just sounded so disappointed admitting that.”
“I am disappointed.” Tzuyu mumbled. “I don’t want to be straight.”
Mina looked at her as if she’d just said the sky was green, but then she shook her head slightly and gently patted Tzuyu’s hair.
“There’s nothing wrong with being straight. Whatever you are, we’ll love you no matter what.” She paused again. “I have to admit, I feel like I’m in an alternate reality right now. I never thought I’d need to reassure someone that being straight is ok.”
“Well I appreciate it.” Tzuyu snuggled closer, enjoying the scent of Mina’s perfume.
She fit so well against Mina, comfortably lying across the whole couch. Maybe before this groundbreaking realisation about her sexuality, she would have wondered if that meant anything. Now, she easily dismissed it. She knew what attraction felt like now, unfortunately. Which meant that the way Mina’s soft giggles made her heart flutter didn’t matter. It wasn’t the same as the intense surge she’d felt when she saw that actor on TV. Therefore, it wasn’t attraction, it was something else.
Therefore, Tzuyu had no right to be upset when Dahyun asked Mina out on a date a few days later. Just like she wasn't upset when she found Mina with Jeongyeon a few months after that.
And she wasn’t. Really. She was fine with it. She’d always known Dahyun would get herself a girlfriend just as pretty as she was. And if Tzuyu couldn't give Mina what she wanted, then the least she deserved was two pretty girlfriends who'd love her like Tzuyu could only dream about doing.
While Mina at least was accepting, some of the other girls just didn’t seem to believe that Tzuyu was straight. They never said it flat out, but with the way Momo constantly teased her it was clear she thought Tzuyu was in denial.
In fairness to Momo, she had caught Tzuyu staring at her chest and abs multiple times.
She seemed to love calling Tzuyu out on it, trying her best to make Tzuyu flustered. The first few times it worked, and Tzuyu would duck her head shyly as Momo smirked at her. But over time, Tzuyu got better at not caring.
“Stop staring at my body.” Momo jokingly teased one day, while they were changing into their performance outfits.
“Why?” Tzuyu responded, still fascinated by how perfect Momo’s back was.
Momo stumbled a little, and then she started laughing.
“Touché.” she grinned. “But people will start to talk you know. Someone might think you like me.”
“I do like you.” This time Momo fell over completely, one foot tangled in her shorts. “You’re a good friend. I couldn’t ask for a better teammate.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“Sorry to disappoint Momo, but I don’t like you that way. I’m straight, remember?”
“Whatever you say.” Momo chuckled. “But I’ve never met a straight girl so interested in my boobs, so you’re pretty unique there.”
“Well you’ve got really nice proportions, and I admire them.” Tzuyu shrugged.
“And how’s that different from how Nayeon loves to admire my assets?”
“Because she’s attracted to you. I’m not.”
“Right.” Momo said, raising her eyebrows in disbelief. “So you oogling my shoulders and abs just now?”
“They’re very pretty. It’s impressive.”
Momo looked at her as if she was speaking a completely different language. Tzuyu went over what she’d just said, double checking that her Korean was correct. But clearly Momo understood what she meant, because she let out a disbelieving laugh and shook her head.
“You’re a strange one, ChouTzu.”
“So I’ve been told.”
If Tzuyu had to pick one member that made her question her sexuality the most, it would be Chaeyoung. Ever since Sixteen, Chaeyoung had just had this charisma about her. It was like Jeongyeon’s girl crush aura, and yet different somehow. Maybe it was because they were the same age, but the closer Tzuyu became to Chaeyoung the more her initial intimidating aura changed into something else. Chaeyoung was the coolest person Tzuyu knew, and yet she was also the girl who took ten extra minutes to wake up in the morning and whined loudly when Dahyun dragged the covers off her. The girl who told terrible jokes and pouted when the members shut her down. The girl who brushed her teeth like she was trying to imitate a baby lion roaring, and ate food off the floor if it looked clean enough.
All these things should have lessened Tzuyu’s opinion of her. But they didn’t. Chaeyoung was just as cool as her first impression gave off, and she was also a massive dork. These two concepts miraculously coexisted in Tzuyu’s mind, and the closer they became the more endearing and precious Chaeyoung became to her.
So yeah, Tzuyu liked Chaeyoung. A lot.
And she may have a tiny crush on her. But it was a platonic one. A friend crush. Because Chaeyoung was just that cool, and whenever she slipped her hand into Tzuyu’s or instinctively hugged her, the warm feeling Tzuyu got in her chest was the glow of friendship.
That was what Tzuyu told herself, over and over again. She was straight. She didn’t have a gay crush on any of her members. They were just really pretty people.
Then Chaeyoung cut her hair.
She came strutting into the maknae line room, short hair swept over to one side. Tzuyu blinked blearily from her bed, then shot up, wide awake.
“What do you think?” Chaeyoung struck a pose.
Tzuyu gulped.
Shit. Shit shit shit.
This feeling in her gut when she saw Chaeyoung smirk? Yeah. That was definitely not platonic admiration. It wasn’t the same as how she’d felt towards that actor on TV, but it was definitely attraction.
So.
It turned out that Tzuyu wasn’t actually as straight as she thought. In fact, the more she looked at Chaeyoung, the more she realised that she wasn’t straight at all.
Chaeyoung took her gobsmacked silence as a compliment.
Tzuyu wasn’t sure how she should handle this. At first she thought that maybe it was the type of infatuation that would fade over time, but every moment she spent with Chaeyoung seemed to have the opposite effect. She became more and more attractive, and Tzuyu fell harder and harder.
Something had to be done.
“I have something to tell you.”
Jihyo paused from drying the dishes, glancing over to where Tzuyu sat nervously at the table. She put down her cloth and sat opposite her, concern in her eyes. She poured some tea for them both (Where did Jihyo even get that tea? She always seemed to have it ready when Tzuyu needed a talk.) and then she took a sip, studying Tzuyu carefully.
Tzuyu took a deep breath, then said what had been bubbling in her mind since Chaeyoung’s haircut.
“I used to have a crush on you. I think I still do have a little one actually.”
Jihyo coughed, tea spilling down her shirt.
“I think I had a crush on all the members actually. But I thought it was just platonic admiration, because I didn’t realise crushes could feel this way. But Chaeyoung keeps getting hotter and hotter and now that she has this haircut, I’m realising that these feelings I had, thinking you guys were pretty and admiring your bodies and stuff, it might not be the same way you guys feel attraction but it’s still…It’s still a type of attraction.”
Jihyo wasn’t drinking tea anymore. She watched Tzuyu with gentle, compassionate eyes, and that was what gave Tzuyu the courage to keep talking.
“I think it’s really rare for me to feel strongly attracted to someone, but it does happen, with both boys and girls. I thought it was just with boys and that I was straight but now I know that it’s not. It’s really not. So what I’m trying to say is… I’m bisexual.”
It came out in one rushed breath, Tzuyu babbling more words than she usually said in a day. She didn’t know what she expected, maybe Jihyo to laugh and tell her it’s about time she figured it out, or to roll her eyes fondly and say it was no big deal, nothing to be nervous about.
But Jihyo just smiled at her, reaching across the table to take her hand.
“Welcome to the club.”
Tzuyu smiled. There were tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat, but she squeezed Jihyo’s hand and hoped she understood.
“Do we get membership cards?”
“Sadly not. But we do have a bi/pan meetup every Tuesday.”
“Isn’t that just you and Jeongyeon?”
“Exactly. We bitch about everything the rest of you have done this week to give us grey hairs. Like me having to tell Momo five times to put her plate in the dishwasher or Nayeon leaving her dirty socks in the living room for Jeongyeon to pick up.”
Tzuyu paused for a second to let that mental image sink in. And then she nodded.
“Sounds good. I’m in.”
“I have something to tell you.”
Chaeyoung stopped her doodling, glancing up at Tzuyu with mild interest.
“Is this about you being bi? Because you already told everyone else in the dorm, so don’t worry about it. I know.”
Weird. Chaeyoung almost sounded huffy there. Tzuyu brushed it off, determined not to overthink things.
“I know you know. That’s not what I need to tell you.”
Chaeyoung gave her a strange look, but she sat up properly to face Tzuyu. Tzuyu felt butterflies in her stomach at Chaeyoung’s piercing gaze, but despite her nerves, it made her happy that she knew what those feelings were. No more denial and confusion.
“I’m attracted to you. Actually, you’re the most attractive girl I’ve ever met. Everyone else I could just say they were pretty but you… you made me realise that I wasn’t straight.”
Chaeyoung looked even more stunned than Jihyo had. Tzuyu quickly continued, before she got the wrong idea.
“It’s not just that you’re hot. I love everything about you. I love how you express yourself with your words and your drawings, I love how talented you are, I love how you make me feel safe no matter where we go, I love your dimple and the way you laugh. There are so many things you do that makes my heart clench with happiness, and I keep finding new things every day. For a long time, I thought I could just chalk it up to a friend crush but I can’t. Not anymore.”
Tzuyu held her breath, waiting for a reaction. Chaeyoung just looked confused. Tzuyu sighed, and tried to make it simpler.
“I like you a lot and want to go out with you. Do you find me attractive too?”
A direct question. Chaeyoung let out a nervous laugh, one hand coming up to run through her short hair.
“Do I find you attractive? I mean… you’re Chou Tzuyu. Who wouldn’t?”
That… wasn’t exactly the heartfelt affirmative Tzuyu had been hoping for, but she refused to let her nerves get the better of her.
“So does that mean you’re interested in a date?”
Chaeyoung looked at her. Stared hard. Tzuyu wasn’t sure what Chaeyoung was seeing, but she hoped her complete sincerity was clear.
“You’re serious right now?”
“I am.”
“You want to be my girlfriend?”
“And maybe eventually wife. But I’m happy to start with one date.”
Chaeyoung chuckled at that, shaking her head. Tzuyu smiled at the familiarity of the gesture. Right now, Chaeyoung was wearing her ‘You’re so ridiculous and I don’t know how to handle you.’ grin.
“Sure.” Chaeyoung said at last. “What the hell, why not? Let’s date. Let’s be girlfriends.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Tzuyu grinned, her smile stretching from cheek to cheek. Chaeyoung watched her fondly, one eyebrow raised. A minute passed, and still Tzuyu sat there smiling.
“Are you ok?” Chaeyoung looked slightly concerned now.
“Just trying to process. Didn’t let myself believe that this would actually work.”
Chaeyoung looked nervous, which was strange. Chaeyoung rarely got nervous around Tzuyu, it was usually the other way around. Not that she ever got scared of Chaeyoung, just little moments where Chaeyoung smirked or said something flirtatious and Tzuyu would suddenly find her throat dry.
Yeah. She really should have figured out she was bi a lot sooner.
“Would it help if I proved to you this was real?” Chaeyoung looked scared now, a strange look on her, but Tzuyu was starting to get an inkling as to why it existed.
“What did you have in mind?”
Chaeyoung let her eyes drop to Tzuyu’s lips, slow and deliberate.
“Well you see, when people go on dates and become girlfriends, there’s this thing they like to do.”
She leant closer, and Tzuyu saw what was about to happen and met her halfway, before she lost her courage.
Chaeyoung’s lips were as soft as Tzuyu imagined they’d be. She went still when Tzuyu kissed her, not pulling back, but letting Tzuyu press forward at her own pace. Tzuyu brought one hand up to run gently along Chaeyoung’s cheek, and that was all the encouragement she needed to kiss Tzuyu back properly.
Tzuyu didn’t expect the kiss to last too long, not with how hesitant Chaeyoung had been earlier. But something seemed to click for both of them when Tzuyu cupped Chaeyoung’s jaw, because Chaeyoung relaxed, melting into the kiss and closing her eyes. Tzuyu quickly followed suit, savouring every second, every touch, every taste.
When they finally pull apart, Chaeyoung’s eyes were shining. Tzuyu knew she probably looked just as dazed.
“Well.” she said breathlessly. “I definitely liked that.”
Chaeyoung laughed, a big toothy smile. Her lips were so pretty, and Tzuyu couldn’t stop staring at them. The taste lingered on her lips, but she wanted to do it again. And really, what was stopping her?
Nothing it turned out. Nothing at all.
“So,” Chaeyoung said, after they stopped kissing again to suck in some air. “You said you couldn't believe that you managed to ask me out. Do you believe it worked now?”
“Hm.” Tzuyu tapped a finger against her chin, pretending to think it over. “Not sure. I feel like I need some more convincing.”
Chaeyoung giggled, and pulled Tzuyu down for another kiss.