Work Text:
KARKAT: DAVE?
KARKAT: DAAAAAAAVE?
KARKAT: DAVE!
DAVE: hey karkat whats up
KARKAT: DAVE! I’VE BEEN LOOKING *EVERYWHERE* FOR YOU!
DAVE: oh yeah why didnt you just text me
KARKAT: BECAUSE I WANTED TO FIND YOU WITH MY GANDERBULBS!!
KARKAT: NO WAIT SHIT YOU DON’T SAY GANDERBULBS DO YOU? YOU SAY EYES!
KARKAT: THAT’S OK, DAVE, I SAY EYES TOO SOMETIMES, SO I CAN TRANSLATE FOR YOU! DON’T WORRY!
DAVE: um
KARKAT: I MEANT MY EYES, DAVE! I WANTED TO FIND YOU WITH MY EYYYYYYYYES!!
DAVE: karkat what the fuck is going on here
KARKAT: I HAVE TO TELL YOU A SECRET, DAVE!
DAVE: are you
KARKAT: PLEASE DON’T GET MAD.
DAVE: dude are you DRUNK?
KARKAT: OH NOOO!
KARKAT: PLEASE DAVE, PLEASE DON’T GET MAD! I CAN’T HANDLE IT WHEN YOU’RE MAD AT ME!
DAVE: what happened dude have you been fucking hangin out with gamzee
KARKAT: OH NO YOU’RE SO MAD! I CAN TELL! I CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN YOU’RE MAD, DAVE!
KARKAT: FUCK!!
DAVE: man what the FUCK are you doin with gamzee
KARKAT: WHAT?
KARKAT: NO I WASN’T WITH GAMZEE, DAVE.
KARKAT: WHY DO YOU THINK I WAS WITH GAMZEE??
DAVE: why??
DAVE: dude you fucking REEK of faygo its practically drippin outta your pores
DAVE: its like the mother of all lipstick stains on the collar
DAVE: except instead of fucking maybelline its a horrible sickly sweet cloud wafting offa you like pigpen at the christmas pageant
DAVE: dude you smell like an expired lollipop
KARKAT: I’M TELLING YOU DAVE I DIDN’T SEE GAMZEE! I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN *FOREVER!*
DAVE: yeah well who were you drinkin faygo with then
KARKAT: NOBODY! I FOUND IT!
DAVE: you found it
KARKAT: YEAH, IN A CHEST!
DAVE: oh you mean one of those stupid pointless video game chests lining the hallways
KARKAT: EXACTLY!!
DAVE: you found a bottle of faygo in there
KARKAT: YEAH!
DAVE: ok and you what you drank it
DAVE: all alone in the dark
KARKAT: YEAH!
DAVE: haha why??
KARKAT: OK, SO DAVE, HERE’S THE THING.
KARKAT: I FOUND THIS CHEST AND I OPENED IT AND I SAW THE BOTTLE AND I WAS *SO* PISSED OFF, BECAUSE GAMZEE WAS JUST *ALWAYS* FUCKING GOING *ON* ABOUT THIS SHIT, LIKE HE WOULD *NEVER* FUCKING *STOP* IT WAS LIKE WE GET IT YOU DRINK SODA FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
DAVE: hahaha
KARKAT: OK SO I THOUGHT WHAT THE FUCK I’LL JUST TRY IT!
KARKAT: LIKE I’LL JUST TAKE ONE TINY TASTE SO I CAN SEE ONCE AND FOR ALL HOW FUCKING AWFUL IT IS, AND I CAN GO AND TELL EVERYBODY ABOUT IT.
KARKAT: I WANTED TO TELL *YOU,* DAVE!
KARKAT: I KNEW YOU’D *LOVE* THAT!
DAVE: haha yeah i prolly would
KARKAT: BUT!!
DAVE: ...but?
KARKAT: OK SO I TOOK A SIP AND HONESTLY???
DAVE: ???
KARKAT: (IT’S NOT THAT BAD.)
DAVE: haha oh yeah?
KARKAT: (YEAH!)
KARKAT: I MEAN IT’S JUST SODA!!!!
KARKAT: SO I TOOK ANOTHER SIP.
KARKAT: (AND UH YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT, DAVE?)
DAVE: (what)
KARKAT: THAT ONE WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD LIKE WOW IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE FIRST!!
KARKAT: SO I TOOK ANOTHER.
KARKAT: AND LIKE.
KARKAT: EACH ONE JUST TASTED WAY BETTER THAN THE LAST.
KARKAT: AND I STARTED *FEELING* SO MUCH BETTER OH MY GOD DAVE IT WAS AWESOME!
KARKAT: BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT YOU!
KARKAT: AND I STARTED TO GET LONELY.
KARKAT: AND I STARTED TO FEEL GUILTY.
KARKAT: BECAUSE I WAS SITTING THERE ALL ON MY FUCKING OWN NEXT TO THAT STUPID CHEST FEELING SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH *YOU,* DAVE!
KARKAT: SO I CAME AND FOUND YOU!
KARKAT: SO WE COULD SHARE...
KARKAT: UH...
DAVE: oh boy
KARKAT: FUCK!
KARKAT: HOLD ON...
DAVE: yeah im holdin on
KARKAT: STUPID FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHITASS FUCKING SYLLADEX...
KARKAT: FUUUUUCK!
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: THIS!!!!
DAVE: oh hey look there it is
DAVE: goddamn karkat was this thing full when you started
KARKAT: YEAH.
KARKAT: I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I HAD TO
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: (CRACK OPEN THE WICKED ELIXIR.)
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: no
DAVE: please do not ever say that again
DAVE: you sound just like gamzee its bad enough you fucking smell like him
KARKAT: OK!!
DAVE: ok so wait
DAVE: im confused
DAVE: gamzee didnt like give you any drugs or anything
KARKAT: NO, I TOLD YOU! I HAVEN’T SEEN GAMZEE IN *SO* FUCKING LONG, HOW WEIRD IS THAT?
DAVE: so whats your secret
KARKAT: MY SECRET?
DAVE: yeah that you were so worried id get mad about
KARKAT: OH.
KARKAT: MY SECRET.
KARKAT: DAVE.
KARKAT: IS THAT...
KARKAT: (I’M REALLY FUCKING DRUNK.)
DAVE: hahaha oh my god thats it??
DAVE: well shit karkat i think the jig might be fuckin up
DAVE: you tied that jig to a rocket and fuckin launched it into the stratosphere
DAVE: its in orbit bro its NEVER comin down
KARKAT: REALLY??
DAVE: yeah i kinda caught on when you came stumblin in slurrin my name all wide eyed and fake whispering and i immediately asked you point blank if you were drunk
KARKAT: OH WOW HUH YOU’RE RIGHT...
KARKAT: MAN THAT SECRET **SUCKS!**
DAVE: hahaha yeah it really fucking does
DAVE: ok but back the fuck up
DAVE: does that mean...
DAVE: are you like...
DAVE: are you drunk on soda right now karkat is that seriously whats going on here
KARKAT: YEAH I THINK I AM!
DAVE: what that makes no fucking sense its just soda
DAVE: like all it is is sugar
DAVE: ive seen you eat sugar plenty of times it never did anything like this to you trust me i woulda fuckin noticed
KARKAT: I DONNO, DAVE!
KARKAT: MAYBE...
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’S MAGIC!
DAVE: hahaha oh man magic?
DAVE: youre fuckin playing the MAGIC card here?
KARKAT: YEAH WHY NOT WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?
DAVE: haha oh my god no this soda is not magic dude im sorry
DAVE: like first off magic isnt real but second off even if it was the last person it would ever apply to is fucking gamzee
DAVE: absolutely no way
KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU TRY IT?
DAVE: what
KARKAT: COME ON I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU, THAT’S WHY I CAME TO FIND YOU, AND IF YOU WANNA PROVE *SO BAD* THAT MAGIC ISN’T REAL THEN WHY DON’T YOU JUST DRINK IT AND SEE?
DAVE: ugh man no i dont wanna drink this
DAVE: you prolly backwashed all over it
KARKAT: NO I DIDN’T I SWEAR I WAS SO CAREFUL!
DAVE: uh huh
KARKAT: PLEASE JUST TRY IT, DAVE! PLEASE!!
DAVE: ugh ok fine
DAVE: here we go...
KARKAT: .......
DAVE: yep yeah that is just some shit ass soda
DAVE: exactly like on earth except this versions also 30 percent karkat spit minimum
KARKAT: DO YOU FEEL ANYTHING??
DAVE: no i really dont bro sorry
KARKAT: OH NOOOOOOO!!!
DAVE: hahaha its ok its prolly good at least one of us isnt a total hot mess right now
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT AGAIN!
DAVE: naw im good
KARKAT: FUCK!
KARKAT: THIS IS SO DISAPPOINTING!
KARKAT: THIS WAS GONNA BE SPECIAL!
KARKAT: FUCK!!!!!
DAVE: sorry
KARKAT: ...WELL IF IT DOESN’T WORK ON YOU, I’M JUST GONNA FINISH IT.
DAVE: what
DAVE: oh no no no hey
DAVE: i think youve had enough tonight ok buddy
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DAVE?
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A DICK??
DAVE: man im bein a dick because i dont know what the fuck this stuff is gonna do to you
DAVE: do you?
KARKAT: IT’S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL AWESOME IS WHAT.
DAVE: yeah for now for sure
DAVE: but dude you gotta understand the only other troll i know who drinks this nasty garbage is a literal homicidal maniac
DAVE: i think its in my best fuckin interest to keep that shit in check when it comes to you dont you
KARKAT: I DON’T *FEEL* HOMICIDAL.
DAVE: well thats good karkat that is hella reassuring
DAVE: but also i just dont want you gettin alcohol poisoning or fuckin sugar or red dye 37 poisoning or whatever the hell
DAVE: like you drank so much of this man is this fucking safe?
KARKAT: YEAH DEFINITELY.
DAVE: are you sure
KARKAT: ...OH FUCK!
KARKAT: I’M *NOT* SURE!
KARKAT: OH MY GOD DAVE HOLY SHIT AM I *DYING??*
DAVE: no shh karkat i dont think youre dying
KARKAT: YOU SURE??
DAVE: yeah im pretty sure
DAVE: i think youre probably just really fucking drunk off your ass is all
DAVE: sigh
DAVE: i should really text one of the other trolls tho see if they know anything about this
KARKAT: OH MY GOD NO!
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT THEM TO KNOW!!
DAVE: what why
KARKAT: IT’S JUST... REALLY REALLY EMBARRASSING! OK??
DAVE: wow so now its embarrassing
DAVE: you didnt seem all that embarrassed a minute ago when you came crashin in here
KARKAT: YEAH BUT THAT WAS JUST YOU, DAVE!
KARKAT: I’M NOT EMBARRASSED IF IT’S JUST YOU!!
DAVE: haha thanks
KARKAT: ᗡ:B
DAVE: bahaha wow never thought id see THAT face on you
KARKAT: ᗡ:B ᗡ:B ᗡ:B
DAVE: oh my GOD unreal
DAVE: man i gotta say i did not see this coming
DAVE: like out of all of us
DAVE: if anyone was gonna get completely shitass wasted
DAVE: you woulda been my last guess
KARKAT: WHAT? HOW COME?
DAVE: i donno i guess its just so not who you are you know
DAVE: its pretty fuckin outta character tbh
DAVE: like ok maybe vriska honestly woulda been more of a shock
DAVE: but even so with you...
DAVE: i donno its kinda perfect
DAVE: like the comedic juxtaposition is greater
DAVE: theres some serious ironic payoff here
KARKAT: OH NOOOOOOOOOO!
KARKAT: OH MY GOD DAVE NO *PLEASE* STOP!
DAVE: stop what
KARKAT: TALKING ABOUT IRONY!!
DAVE: haha what why
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE *TERRIBLE* AT IT!
KARKAT: YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT IT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS AND IT’S *HORRIBLE!*
DAVE: damn dude
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS, DAVE. IT’S SO EMBARRASSING TO SEE SOMEBODY WHO SUCKS SO MUCH AT IRONY BE *SO* FUCKING HUNG UP ON IT!
KARKAT: IT’S ALMOST LIKE...
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!
KARKAT: *OH MY GOD!*
KARKAT: DAVE.
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.
DAVE: ??
KARKAT: I FIGURED IT OUT!
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU *ARE* THE IRONY!
KARKAT: IT’S YOU!
DAVE: haha oh man thats pretty good im totally gonna steal that
KARKAT: OK SURE, GO AHEAD! YOU COULD REALLY FUCKING USE IT!
DAVE: damn drunk karkat is sassy as hell
DAVE: like even sassier than usual
KARKAT: NO I’M NOT I’M CHARMING AS SHIT!
DAVE: bahaha ok actually you kinda fucking are
DAVE: like man if i had to predict what this scene would be like i prolly woulda bet on lots of unending angry rants
DAVE: woulda marched right up to my bookie or dealer or whatever i donno how gambling works and said yes hello as you know i have accrued vast untold sums of crocodile wealth
DAVE: and on the pool of drunk karkat i would like to place every last penny on a million tirades each more verbose and thunderous than the last
DAVE: the bookie gives a sly lil knowing nod as if to say oh my playing it safe today i see mr strider
DAVE: and i nod back like hell yes im playin it safe safest fucking bet i ever made
DAVE: and then i like quadruple my money
KARKAT: ...
DAVE: look im not sayin this is a bad turn of events cuz tbh its pretty amazing
DAVE: its just unexpected
KARKAT: UGH I JUST GOT SO TIRED *LISTENING* TO *YOU* RAMBLE ON AND ON AN ON.
KARKAT: I DON’T WANNA DO THAT! I DON’T WANNA RANT! FUCK THAT! WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO RANT, DAVE?
KARKAT: IT’S SO FUCKING HARD.
DAVE: haha really?
KARKAT: YEAH! I DON’T THINK I HAVE...
KARKAT: THE WORDS.
KARKAT: THE WORDS ARE JUST TOO HARD RIGHT NOW.
DAVE: holy shit
KARKAT: AND ANYWAY I’M *HAPPY!* I FEEL *GREAT!* WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO RANT ABOUT??
DAVE: well damn bro good for you
KARKAT: YEAH!!
DAVE: maybe tomorrow
KARKAT: WHY WHAT’S HAPPENING TOMORROW??
DAVE: nothin just if you get drunk the same way humans do i think you might be lil more in the mood is all
KARKAT: BUT I’M *NOT* A HUMAN, DAVE!
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA BE A HUMAN?
KARKAT: YOU’RE ALL SO STUPID AND SOFT AND... AND STUPID...
DAVE: oh my god karkat is this it
DAVE: is this seriously you trying to rant right now??
KARKAT: UGGGH I TOLD YOU IT’S *HARD!*
DAVE: fuckin incredible
DAVE: you know what youre right this might be the most charming shit ive ever seen in my life
KARKAT: YEAH IT IS!
DAVE: hahaha
KARKAT: DAVE.
KARKAT: DAVE!
DAVE: karkat
KARKAT: DAVE, I’M *SO* SORRY THE FAYGO DOESN’T WORK ON YOU!
KARKAT: I REALLY REALLY WANTED TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU.
KARKAT: I AM SO PISSED OFF!!
DAVE: but not enough to rant
KARKAT: *FUCK* NO!
DAVE: bahaha its ok karkat you can stick to charmingly pissed off this is so great
KARKAT: OK PHEW!
DAVE: yeah youre off the hook
KARKAT: I *AM* PISSED OFF THOUGH!
DAVE: sorry man
DAVE: i mean honestly im pretty sure just regular alcohol would have a pretty similar effect on me but-
KARKAT: WHAT! LET’S GO GET SOME THEN!
DAVE: naw lets not its better this way trust me
KARKAT: BUT I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU!
DAVE: oh you definitely are dont worry about that
KARKAT: NO, I MEAN REALLY *SHARE* IT!
KARKAT: YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND, DAVE!
DAVE: oh my god i cannot BELIEVE youre going full drunk cliche right now holy shit this is the best
KARKAT: BUT YOU ARE!!
DAVE: bahaha oh yeah now tell me how much you love me
KARKAT: I *DO* LOVE YOU!!
DAVE: whoa
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK OF *COURSE* I DO!!!!
KARKAT: DAVE, YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND EVER AND I LOVE YOU SO *FUCKING* MUCH!!!!
DAVE: haha thanks man
KARKAT: YOU KNOW GAMZEE USED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND.
DAVE: yeah i know
KARKAT: BUT THEN HE WENT AND FUCKING KILLED ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS!
DAVE: yeah i... i know man that really sucks
KARKAT: IT *DOES* SUCK!
KARKAT: HOLY *SHIT* DAVE YOU ARE *SUCH* A BETTER FRIEND THAN GAMZEE OH MY *GOD!*
DAVE: wow thanks karkat i can really take that one all the way to the fuckin bank
DAVE: dave strider: better friend than an insane murder clown
DAVE: gonna put that on my resume
DAVE: or at least i would if jobs were still a thing that existed
KARKAT: NO, I’M SERIOUS DAVE, YOU ARE *SO* MUCH BETTER THAN HIM, AND I DON’T EVEN JUST MEAN BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T KILL A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE ALTHOUGH THAT IS A *HUGE* POINT IN YOUR FAVOR DO *NOT* DISREGARD THAT!
DAVE: i definitely wont
KARKAT: YOU’RE GREAT IN LOTS OF WAYS, DAVE!
KARKAT: YOU’RE NICE.
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE FUNNY.
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE REALLY GOOD AT RAPPING.
DAVE: haha oh yeah?
KARKAT: YEAH! YOU’RE ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT IT!
KARKAT: I KNOW I LIKE TO PRETEND I DON’T LIKE IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
DAVE: what
KARKAT: (I’M FULL OF SHIT, DAVE!)
DAVE: when are you full of shit then or now
KARKAT: THEN!!!
DAVE: oh hey nice
KARKAT: IT *IS* NICE! I *DO* LIKE IT!
KARKAT: I REALLY REALLY LIKE YOUR MUSIC! I’M SO FUCKING GLAD THAT YOU MAKE IT!
DAVE: holy shit the truth comes out!
DAVE: karkat are you sure youre actually drunk cuz youre startin to make a hell of a lotta sense all of a sudden
KARKAT: OH I’M SO DRUNK DAVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA!
DAVE: bahaha
KARKAT: I’M JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU.
KARKAT: ALL THE REASONS I LIKE YOU.
KARKAT: AND WHY YOU’RE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND EVER.
KARKAT: OK??
KARKAT: CAN YOU HANDLE THAT, DAVE???
DAVE: haha yeah man i think i can handle that
KARKAT: OK, GOOD!
KARKAT: WELL NOW I FUCKING LOST TRACK!
KARKAT: OK LET’S SEE...
KARKAT: YOU’RE NICE. YOU’RE FUNNY. YOU MAKE AWESOME MUSIC.
KARKAT: WHAT ELSE?
KARKAT: OH, YOU WATCH MOVIES WITH ME.
KARKAT: YOU PUT UP WITH ALL MY SHIT.
KARKAT: YOU MAKE GOOD CEREAL.
KARKAT: ...YOU’RE WARM.
DAVE: whoa
KARKAT: OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO FUCKING WARM!
DAVE: hey karkat whoa
DAVE: this is gettin uh
DAVE: pretty up close and personal
KARKAT: I DON’T HUG YOU ENOUGH, DAVE.
KARKAT: I DON’T TELL YOU I LIKE YOUR MUSIC ENOUGH AND I DON’T HUG YOU ENOUGH.
KARKAT: AND YOU DON’T HUG ME!
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK IS THAT, DAVE?
DAVE: uh because its a big giant invasion of personal space karkat thats why
KARKAT: WELL FUCK THAT!
KARKAT: IT’S NICE!
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE SO *WARM!*
KARKAT: WE SHOULD DEFINITELY HUG MORE.
KARKAT: WE SHOULD HUG ALL THE FUCKING TIME OH MY GOD!
DAVE: man im not sure this qualifies as a hug karkat
DAVE: pretty sure this is somethin somebody with less propriety would call a full on snuggle
KARKAT: WELL THEN WE SHOULD SNUGGLE MORE!
KARKAT: IT’S REALLY NICE!
KARKAT: MMMMM.
DAVE: karkat come on get off me man
KARKAT: NAW.
DAVE: dude seriously
KARKAT: NO, IT’S NICE HERE.
KARKAT: YAAAAAAAAAAWN.
KARKAT: I’M JUST GONNA...
DAVE: oh fuck you karkat dont you dare
KARKAT: SMACK SMACK.
DAVE: dont you fucking fall asleep
KARKAT: MMMMMMMMMMMM.
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: karkat!
DAVE: ...
DAVE: seriously??
DAVE: dude if you throw up on me...
DAVE: i dont think even god tier pajamas can withstand fucking faygo vomit
DAVE: ...
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: shit
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: karkat!
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: sigh
turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
TG: yo kanaya you there i need your super mom powers
GA: My What
TG: your mom powers you gotta activate them theres a crisis at hand
GA: Dave
GA: Moms Are A Concept That Is Utterly Foreign To My Species
GA: It Is Only Through Extensive Conversation With You And Rose That I Even Recognize That Word At All
TG: cmon you know what i mean your super responsible maternal instinct jade blood wisdom
TG: i need it
GA: Is That Really All You Think Im Good For
GA: Mom Wisdom
TG: oh my god i should have just asked rose to ask you
TG: im already up to my neck in bullshit over here i do not need this
GA: Okay Im Sorry
GA: I Have Officially Activated My Powers
GA: What Do You Need
TG: ok here is my official submission are you ready for it
GA: Yes Dave
TG: ok cool so in your opinion
TG: from a responsible momly position can you please tell me
TG: everything you know
TG: about faygo
GA: Faygo
TG: yeah the fuckin juggalo soda the wicked elixir itself what exactly is its deal
GA: What Are You Doing Getting Mixed Up With Faygo
GA: Oh No Is Gamzee There
TG: no gamzees not here goddamn what do you take me for
TG: and im not mixed up in it at least not directly
TG: uh
TG: im asking this question for a friend
TG: and yes i am fully aware that that phrase is usually 100 percent reserved as code for when something is actually about yourself
TG: but in this case it is really genuinely about a friend ok you gotta believe me
GA: Oh My God
GA: Dave
GA: Is Karkat Drunk
TG: ...maybe
GA: Oh This Is Amazing
GA: Wait
GA: Oh No
GA: Are He And Gamzee Together
TG: naw
TG: he just fucking found a bottle of the stuff and got drunk by his own self like a sad lil hallway juggalo
TG: the darkest of dark carnivals of the soul
TG: a tiny circus for one
TG: karkat is literally pagliacci right now
TG: if pagliacci had horns and was extremely drunk off his ass
GA: Oh This Is Too Good
GA: Dave
GA: Karkat Does Not Get Drunk
GA: Karkat Does Not Loosen Up
GA: At All
GA: Ever
TG: yeah well hes pretty fucking loose now lemme tell you
GA: So Hes With You
TG: yeah he is... definitely that
TG: i am not gonna lose track of him lets just say
GA: Okay Good
GA: ...
GA: Where Are You
TG: what??
TG: youre not fucking coming here
GA: Oh Yes I Most Certainly Am
GA: I Have To See This
GA: And Rose Is Extremely Interested As Well
GA: Please Tell Us Your Exact Whereabouts Immediately
TG: no!
TG: im not telling you shit
TG: and dont you dare come looking for us
TG: look hes asleep now anyway
TG: shows over nothing to see
TG: unless you want an eyeful of some extremely sloppy and sticky lip smacking
TG: ug
TG: it is seriously disgusting
TG: but not in an interesting way ok i swear
TG: just boring and gross
TG: the levels of boring and gross here right now are dangerously high
TG: its not safe here kanaya stay away save yourself
GA: Well I Have To Say
GA: This Is Very Disappointing
GA: Why Did You Message Me At All
TG: oh right i just wanna know like
TG: how... bad is it that he drank this shit?
TG: like it doesnt uh
TG: it doesnt actually turn you into a juggalo does it
GA: Haha Is That What You Think It Does
TG: look kanaya i am way outta my depth here ok
TG: this motherfucker got wasted on soda
TG: something that in my species is not just impossible
TG: it is COMICALLY impossible
TG: apparently i dont know dick about this stuff
TG: all i do know is i would be extremely goddamn heartbroken slash terrified if karkat woke up fucking rapping about miracles and reaching for the face paint
TG: im not freaking out or anything
TG: but just typing out that scenario is wreaking all kinds of havoc on my general state of chill
GA: Okay Okay Calm Down
GA: Youre Safe
GA: It Definitely Does Not Turn You Into A Juggalo
GA: Thats More Of A
GA: Spiritual Decision
TG: ohh thank fuck
TG: that is a real load off seriously
TG: i could not fucking handle a juggalo karkat
GA: I Dont Think Any Of Us Could
TG: yeah phew
TG: so what then its just like alcohol for you guys
TG: like it just gets you really drunk but you get over it
GA: Hold On
TG: k
GA: Okay I Have Conferred With Rose And Yes
GA: It Sounds Like Its Effects Are Very Similar To Those Of Alcohol On Humans
TG: oh damn thats right i guess rose is the resident expert huh
GA: She Does Have A Lot Of Unfortunate Past Experience That Is Proving Useful Yes
TG: shit roses alky mom to the rescue
GA: I Dont Think Im Going To Tell Her You Said That
TG: yeah fuck prolly dont
TG: anyway uh
TG: so thats good news and all
TG: but like
TG: is there such a thing as drinking too much
TG: like with alcohol there definitely is im pretty sure it can get to be a big fucking problem
GA: How Much Did He Drink
TG: uh... pretty much all but a couple swigs of a one liter bottle
TG: i donno know what that is in troll measurements
TG: uh
TG: according to the label this bottle holds exactly one squiggle
TG: does that help
GA: Hold On Just A Minute
TG: k
TG: damn
TG: i got the dream team on the case here
TG: the only nurturing kinda troll in town and a human who was raised by a functioning alcoholic
TG: you guys are such a power couple i swear to god
GA: Okay Im Back
GA: From My Power Couple Conference
TG: cool whats the verdict
GA: Rose And I Have Determined That Karkat Has Drunk The Human Equivalent Of 1.5 Bottles Of Wine
TG: ok so uh
TG: is that like
TG: bad?
TG: huh maybe you didnt need to translate this into human after all turns out i dont know shit about alcohol
TG: sorry
GA: It Should Be Fine
GA: Hes Going To Feel Absolutely Terrible In The Morning
GA: But Hell Get Over It
GA: He Must Have Been Quite The Impressive Sight Before He Passed Out
GA: I Cant Believe We Missed The Show
GA: Dave
GA: You Have To Call Us Immediately If This Ever Happens Again
TG: yeah it was uh
TG: it was definitely something
TG: i think were both gonna be glad there was no audience for it tbh
TG: he was mostly just really excited and super uh
TG: into our friendship
GA: Oh Really
TG: yeah lotsa proclamations and grabby ass hugging
GA: Ass Hugging???
TG: what no
TG: holy shit no
TG: oh my god
TG: just regular hugging
TG: of the grabby variety
GA: Yes Of Course
TG: it was!
TG: seriously he just...
TG: told me a whole fucking lot how good a friend i am ok
GA: That Makes Sense
TG: why
GA: Because You Are A Good Friend Dave
GA: Karkat Is Very Fortunate To Have You Looking After Him
TG: yeah yeah i just let him ramble til he passed out on top of me im friend of the fuckin year
GA: Wait
TG: oh shit
GA: Is He
TG: fuuuuck
GA: Is He On Top Of You Right Now
TG: ugh
TG: no
TG: not on top of exactly
TG: just uh
TG: he is very near at hand ok lets just leave it at that
GA: Dave
GA: I Feel Obliged To Report To You That Rose Is Currently Emitting A Sound That Can Only Be Described
GA: Onomatopoeiacally
GA: As A Squee
TG: oh my god
GA: Hold On
TG: what
TG: whats going on over there
TG: how many conferences do you need
GA: Dave
GA: Do Not Disturb Him
TG: what?
GA: Im Serious
GA: Do Not Disturb Him Bodily In Any Way
GA: It Is Of The Utmost Importance That He Sleeps Soundly Through The Night
GA: If Not The Results Could Be Dire
TG: what no no way
TG: you made me hold on
TG: you were talking to rose
TG: rose doesnt know shit about troll drunks she just wants me stuck like this
TG: dont think im not wise to your game i know exactly whats going on here
GA: Fine
GA: If You Want To Stake Karkats Life On It
GA: Go Ahead And Move Him
TG: ...........
TG: ugggggggghhh
TG: maryam you crafty ass minx
GA: I Dont Know What That Is But I Highly Resent The Tone
TG: all night
TG: you want me to stay like this all fucking night
GA: Yes
GA: That Is The Amount Of Time Most People Tend To Sleep
GA: Technically In Karkats Case It Would Be All Day
GA: But In The Interest Of Expediency
GA: And Allowing For The Fact That We Are Not Currently Orbiting Any Stars To Facilitate A Diurnal Pattern
GA: Lets Just Leave It At All Night
TG: yeah that sure was way more expedient thanks a bunch kanaya
TG: man i dont wanna be stuck here like this all fuckin night
TG: its embarrassing
TG: im not gonna be able to sleep
TG: he smells like a fucking candy store exploded out of an ass
TG: and i just know if i do by some miracle fall asleep im gonna wake up come morning coated head to toe in half-digested faygo
TG: this sucks
GA: I Dont Know Dave
GA: Im Not Sure You Think This Sucks At All
GA: I Think
GA: You Might Just Think
GA: Its Kind Of Rad
TG: oh my god that sounds so weird coming from you was that actually rose
TG: it was wasnt it
GA: No That Was All Me
TG: god everybodys outta fuckin character tonight
GA: Anyway Rose And I Were Going To Go To Bed Soon
GA: Obviously Karkat Is Well On His Way
GA: For Your Own Sake I Suggest You Try To Do The Same
TG: yeah ill fuckin try
TG: youre welcome btw for making your night with all these juicy deets and squees and whatnot
GA: And Youre Welcome For All The Genuine Much Needed Advice We Provided
TG: yeah yeah fine i guess were even
GA: Goodnight Dave
TG: yeah gnite
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
DAVE: ...
DAVE: sigh
DAVE: god this sucks
DAVE: you smell so gross you know that
DAVE: and your face is all fuckin sticky
DAVE: ugh
DAVE: undisturbed sleep my ass kanaya is so full of shit
DAVE: she and rose just wanna stay up all night gigglin about this stupid ass scene
DAVE: rose is prolly writing a whole fuckin gay wizard chapter based on us as we speak
DAVE: she prolly thinks its all adorable or some shit
DAVE: little does she know you look like absolute ass right now
DAVE: heh
DAVE: you are gonna be such a fucking wreck in the morning dude oh my god
DAVE: ...
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: this is so stupid
DAVE: ugh
DAVE: ...
DAVE: goodnight i guess
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: ...
DAVE: ...
DAVE: ...
DAVE: :)