Archive of Our Own

Jongin never thought he would find himself in this kind of situation alone. But here he is, awkwardly sitting on a (really fucking uncomfortable) chair at the doctor’s office, listening to the heartbeats of his baby for the first time. This should be one, if not the happiest moment of his life, but it isn't. It's one of the darkest because he's so fucking close to crying right here in front of his doctor, who's explaining something that he should probably listen to, but he just can't. He can't because how the fuck is he supposed to go through a pregnancy? How is he supposed to give birth? To raise a child? He’s not ready for a baby.

He’s not prepared for the responsibility that having a child would bring.

"Okay Mr. Kim, that will be all. I’ll see you in a month. Please take everything I told you into account." The doctor smiles while Jongin nods mechanically and gets up. They shake hands and that's it. Jongin grabs his backpack and quickly leaves the room.

As soon as he is out of the door, a sudden wave of nausea hits him. He chokes and presses a hand in front of his mouth. He can hear people walking in his direction, some nurses chatting lightly. He has to get away before they can see him; he quickly turns around and runs to the restroom and into one of the cabins. He doesn't even manage to get the door locked before he falls to his knees and starts to vomit.

Jongin feels horrible. His ears are ringing and he can hardly breathe when there's finally nothing left in his stomach. He wipes his mouth and flushes the toilet before he lets himself fall back, leaning his head against the wall of the stall. There are tears running down his face and he can still taste puke on his tongue.

He rolls his head to the right, blinking slowly against the dim light. And then he sees a man standing in front of the sinks, staring back at him. Jongin freezes, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights.

He doesn't know what else to do but to gawk at the man who’s still staring at him, his face showing a mixture of confusion and worry.

After a few more seconds of awkward silence the man starts to talk. “I’m sorry, I should’ve said something earlier when you came in. I was just so surprised and then you started... you know. I’m really sorry for just standing there and not helping you. Are you okay?”

Jongin needs a moment to process his words and tries to find an appropriate answer to his question.“Yeah I’m..” his voice breaks and he has to clear his throat before he starts to speak again. ”I’m fine. It’s all good. Just.. some morning sickness I guess.”

The man nods and takes a few steps in Jogins direction. “Yeah, I get that too. It’s disgusting, but there are worse things. Would you maybe like some water to freshen up a little?”

Jongin takes the bottle of water the man holds out and thanks him, before he takes a huge gulp out of it.

“Feeling better?” The stranger smiles when Jongin nods and helps him get up.

Only then Jongin notices that he is a bit taller than the other. And that the face of the man sparkes some memories in Jongin’s head. Doesn't he know who that is? He searches for a name, but he can't really grasp it.

“Camomile tea helps when you’re feeling sick. And Ginger. You should try it. Works really well for me.” The man smiles again and then glances at his watch. “You’re sure you’re alright?”

Jongin just nods again.

“Okay. I gotta go now, but I wish you all the best for your pregnancy. I hope to see you again.” He gives a short wave and is out of the door before Jongin can really answer him.

“Thanks, good luck to you too.” He whispers to the empty room, staring at the spot the man stood just a moment before.

--

“You’re late.”

Jongin rolls his eyes and lets himself fall on the cozy couch right between Sehun and Hyuna. “Gee thanks for the nice greeting Baek. I’m fine, what about you?”

“We were just worried, Jongin. One of us could’ve gone with you to the doctor but you wanted to go alone. You’re pregnant, something could’ve happened you know.”

Jongin sighs and takes the tea Sunmi is handing him from her place on the armchair across from him, thanking her. “What could have happened? There are like 20 people living in this city, nothing fucking happens here. And I’m only in my fourth month, you can’t always be by my side.”

Baekhyun wants to answer something (probably that their population is way higher than 20), but he’s interrupted by Sehun before he can even open his mouth. ”Let him be. I don’t want to hear your stupid argument, I want to hear how it was at the doctor? Is everything okay with you and the baby? And how are you feeling, Jongin?”

Jongin smiles and looks at the other thankfully. “That’s why you're my best friend, Sehunnie.”

Sehun rolls his eyes while Baekhyun and Sunmi shout something about being his best friends and Hyuna just quietly laughs to herself. “Shut up and let Jongin tell us about his appointment. Do you have pictures?”
Jongin knows he can always be open with his friends. He can tell them everything without having to fear being judged. But he still hesitates when he tells them about his thoughts and his feelings during the checkup. They already know that he’s unhappy about the pregnancy. He found out about two weeks ago and only told his friends and his boyfriend.

Who then left him because he wasn’t ready for such a commitment. Jongin isn’t either, but that’s not really important in his, now ex-boyfriend’s, opinion.

He’s also hesitant to tell them about the incident in the bathroom and about the man that helped him, just because it is so fucking embarrassing. But he does anyways. And when he’s finished, everybody is quiet for a moment, before Hyuna breaks the silence again.
“It’s okay to have those thoughts. It’s scary, having a child. Being pregnant. Especially if you don’t have a partner by your side. But you have us, your friends. And you know you can always rely on us. And there are enough other friendly people who will help you, even if they do just small things like the guy you met today. You don’t have to feel guilty for not wanting to be pregnant.”

Jongin already knows this. He knows he shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to be pregnant. He is only 22, without a degree or a stable job. He applied for college just a few weeks ago, planning on finally studying, enjoying his life a bit more before getting settled. Instead he now has a baby growing inside of him.

"And you know you always can.. I mean I don’t want to sound heartless or something, but if you really don’t want the child.. you can still abort it.” Baekhyun gasps after Sehun’s words and Seulgi stares at the blonde with shock in her eyes. But Jongin stays calm. Abortion isn't something he didn't consider and it isn't something that always has to be a bad thing in his opinion.

"I know. I thought about it. But I won’t abort it. I don’t think I could live with the knowledge that I could have had a child, that I could have given life to another human and I chose not to. I don’t want to abort the baby. I just wish it was never even there to begin with.”

After that none of his friends say anything anymore. Seulgi leans her head on his shoulder and Sehun throws an arm around his waist. They sit there in silence, the small cafe bustling around them with chatter of other customers, Until Hyuna stands up, announcing her shift at the hospital begins in half an hour and she doesn't want to be late. Baekhyun gets up next, mumbling something about having to pick up his brother from the gym and Seulgi leaves with him because he can drive her home on his way. In the end, only Sehun and Jongin are left.

“Have you told your parents yet?”

Jongin shakes his head, while he holds his long empty teacup firmly clasped. “No. I don’t want to. I haven’t talked to them in two months. I don’t want to call them with a message like this. And then the breakup too. I couldn't even tell my sisters even though I know they wouldn’t judge me.”

Sehun just sighs and pats him on the back. “Want a ride home?” Jongin nods and lets himself be pulled up from the sofa and out of the cafe.

--

Only three days later, Jongin finds out why the man from the restroom at the doctor’s office looked so familiar. He is in his yoga course, and Jongin is currently trying really hard to avoid being seen by him, which is nearly impossible because the guy is right next to him, only one other person separating them. Jongin just prays for the lesson to end as fast as possible, counting the minutes.

Only 17 more to go then he can flee out of the room and be safe.

He really doesn't want to speak to the man. He doesn't want to remind him of the whole incident because it was fucking embarrassing. And he doesn't want rumors to spread. The city they live in is small and a lot of people have known him since he was a child. Almost all of his friends moved back to their hometown after college. He never left this town.

He knows some people speak badly of him, mostly because he’s not a native. His family immigrated when he was four. They moved back to South Korea when he was 20, but Jongin didn't want to go back to Korea. He stayed and accepted that it tore his family apart. His parents still feel betrayed because of his decision; his sisters don’t really like it but try to be supportive. If rumours spread that he is pregnant without a partner and a stable job, people will badmouth him even more. And he doesn't think he can endure further negativity in his life.

So that’s one more reason to avoid the man.

Jongin sighs, relieved when the instructor finally finishes and he gets up immediately to roll up his mat, grab his bottle and get the fuck out of here. But the last part of the plan doesn't really work out because the man suddenly blocks his way, looking directly at him and waving. Jongin almost lets his water bottle fall.

"I knew that your face was familiar when I saw you this week." He laughs and asks, "Are you feeling better today? Did you try the tea tip I gave you?"

Jongin just stands there staring for a moment, before he gets ahold of himself and quickly nods. "Yes, yes I'm fine. And I actually did try the tea out, I even made some soup with a ton of ginger in it. It really helped, thank you."

The man looks happy at that and the smile he flashes Jongin is the most beautiful he has seen in a while. It looks kinda like a heart. "My husband told me about that trick. His sister also had problems with morning sickness during her pregnancy and she drank a ton of chamomile and ginger tea according to him." Jongins gaze automatically snaps to the man's left hand at the word husband and there is indeed a slim silver ring around his ring finger.
"By the way, my name is Kyungsoo Doh." The man, Kyungsoo, introduces himself.
"Nice to meet you, Kyungsoo. I'm Jongin Kim." Jongin tries not to think about how warm and steady the grip of Kyungsoo's hand feels when he takes it, strong and confident.
"So, in which month are you?" Jongin asks trying to prevent the silence that threatens to come up between them.
"I'm in my fifth month. It's my first pregnancy, but it's going pretty well so far. Except for a few side effects, but I guess that’s normal. What about you?" Jongin notices how Kyungsoo’s eyes seem to be a bit brighter when he talks about his pregnancy, how his face lights up and he can't suppress his smile.
"I'm in my fourth month." Is all Jongin answers and he's pretty sure he looks like the opposite of Kyungsoo when he's talking about the topic.

The other seems to notice the uneasiness in his voice. He frowns for a second before he gets himself under control and schools his face into a neutral expression. He nods slowly before asking, ”And what do you do for a living?”

It’s a nice try to change the topic, except that his work isn’t something Jongin is happy to talk about either. “I’m a waiter.” He’s ready to see Kyungsoo’s face fall into a grimace of disappointment at that, to hear him ask what his partners job is and when he tells him that he’s single, to endure being told he won’t be able to support the child, he won’t be a good parent because it’s impossible to give a happy life to a kid when you earn just enough money to not live on the street and to have enough food. Why didn’t he go to college? Why did he even get pregnant in the first place if he has nothing good to give to a child?

Kyungsoo doesn’t react like that. His face remains friendly; he doesn’t look like he is judging Jongin internally. There isn’t even pity in his face. He just looks normal, as if Jongin has just told him the weather is nice today and not that his life is about to be ruined.

“Mh, that sounds like a tiring job. Do you like it?” Jongin does not know how to answer. He remains frozen on the spot, staring at Kyungsoo, disbelieving that the other doesn’t have a problem with him not having a good job or a partner or just... something. Something that makes him appropriate for being a father.

“What?” Is the only thing he can say after Kyungsoo's question, not because he doesn’t understand, but because he can’t believe it’s all Kyungsoo has to say about his situation.

“Ehm.. I asked if you like working at the cinema?” Kyungsoo frowns, surprised he doesn’t understand such a simple question.

Jongin takes a deep breath, getting ready to give his usual “yeah it’s fine.” answer but when he opens his mouth, it’s as if someone else takes over his body and instead of saying what he’s planned: all his built up frustration explodes in a giant gush of emotions.

“No, I don’t like working there. My colleagues are the worst, they never talk to me more than necessary, they think they’re something better than me and they constantly make nasty remarks behind each other’s back. My boss is a fucking monster; she’s never satisfied with anything I do, she calls me asian boy instead of my name because she claims it’s “too hard to pronounce” and she never pays me on time. The visitors are okay, but there are a few who’re just disgusting. It’s not a very nice pub so the people just don’t have manners. They spill their drinks everywhere and sometimes they throw around their food when they’re drunk or something. They’re loud and rude and there are fights all the time.

“And since I’m pregnant everything just got worse. I always feel sick and the smell inside the pub doesn’t make it better. It’s getting really hard to walk and stand all the time and I get dizzy if I don’t go out after two hours to get some fresh air. And I earn almost nothing for all the bullshit I have to endure everyday. I don’t know how much longer I can work there because it’s getting harder and harder and I just-”

Kyungsoo suddenly interrupts him by laying a hand on his shoulder.

Jongin looks up, only then noticing that his vision got blurry from tears and some of the other people in the room are staring at the two of them.

“It’s okay, let’s just go somewhere more private.”

Jongin nods, thankful that Kyungsoo prevented him from embarrassing himself even further. They leave the room and Kyungsoo leads him outside of the building onto the parking lot.

“We can talk in the car.” He mumbles and Jongin just wants to cry even more. Of course Kyungsoo has a car. Kyungsoo also has a husband and probably a good job and a good relationship with his family and just overall a fucking perfect life.

“I’m sorry.” He apologizes as soon as they’re seated and the car doors are closed. “I shouldn’t complain so much. I’m sorry I just told you all of this. I don’t even know you. This is.. god it’s so embarrassing. I don’t know what has gotten into me.” He buries his face in his hands, trying to hide his tears and his blushing face from the other.

“To be honest, I am a little overwhelmed with everything you just told me because we don’t know each other and that’s a lot of personal information but you don’t have to be embarrassed. Sometimes it helps to talk to a stranger about stuff that’s dragging you down. And I’ve got a feeling that there’s a lot on your shoulders at the moment.”

Jongin dares to lift his head from his hands, glancing at Kyungsoo who just smiles at him in a way that (combined with everything he just said) makes his heart flutter and spreads a warm feeling through his body.

After a few moments of silence where they do nothing but stare at each other, Jongin takes a deep breath, before starting to talk again,”I’m not in the best situation right now. My family doesn’t know that I’m pregnant because I’m scared of what they’re going to say. My boyfriend left me after he found out and my friends support me, but I don’t think they really know how to help me. None of them were pregnant before and they’re busy with their own lifes. I just feel very alone sometimes and since I know that I’m pregnant, it just got worse. I have a shitty job and a shitty apartment and I’m scared I won’t be able to give the child what it deserves.

“I just.. sometimes I think I just fucked up my whole life, because I didn’t go to college and I didn’t move back to South Korea with my family and I let a fucking asshole get me pregnant just to leave me. And then I meet people like you who seem to do everything right. You have a husband and you are happy with your pregnancy and you probably live in a nice flat and have a good job with friendly colleagues and a boss who doesn’t hate you.” His voice breaks and he can’t help but start to cry again, feeling even more embarrassed than before even though Kyungsoo reassured him it’s okay to open up.

“You know, it’s kinda selfish of you to think you’re the only one with problems and I got a perfect life.”

Shocked by these words Jongin opens his mouth to apologize, but the other laughs and waves it off.

“Don’t worry, I understand why you would assume I live a perfect life. And I can assure you, that I don’t have as many troubles as you but that doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to worry about. You’re right about my job and my husband and even about our house. But I really struggle with my pregnancy. I’ve always wanted children, but I never wanted to get pregnant. My husband, Chanyeol, was always the one who wanted to get pregnant. But he can’t. We both got tested before we tried to conceive and the doctor told us that Chanyeol won’t ever be able to get a child. He was devastated. He still gets emotional over it sometimes, but he has accepted it.

“We decided I should get pregnant instead. It’s something that I am really, really scared about. We were happy when the test was positive, but I’m still unsure from time to time. I just feel.. terrified when I think about giving birth. My friends support me and Chanyeol, like yours do, but I haven’t had contact with my family in eight years. They just stopped answering my messages as soon as I moved out of home to go to college and when I visited during my break, they weren’t there anymore. The landlord told me that they left three months ago. We never had a good relationship and they weren’t happy with my choice to become a chef instead of becoming a doctor or something.
“I was able to find them and we talked on the phone. They told me they didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and that was that. I was able to pay for college with the help of my friends, Chanyeol and a part time job. I mean, everything turned out pretty good for me, but sometimes I miss them. I just miss having a family, being able to talk to them.”

Jongin feels like an asshole. He just assumed so much about Kyungsoo without knowing his story. “Fuck.. I’m really sorry. I mean.. that sounds horrible, I can’t even imagine how lost you must have felt. Shit, I’m really sorry for being so selfish. I didn’t mean to.. offend you or anything.”

His stumbled apologies are interrupted by the other shaking his head and waving his hand in front of Jongin’s face as if he wants to get rid of a fly or something. "You don't have to be sorry. You're in an awful situation and it's perfectly normal to think everyone else has it better than you, but I hope this will be a lesson for you to look behind what people are showing outside and find out how they're really feeling on the inside. And you have to remember that there are good things in your life too."

Jongin can feel his face getting hotter with every word, a blush blooming on his cheeks. He's still embarrassed about his breakdown and now he also feels like Kyungsoo is one of his teachers back in high school, giving him a lesson on life. He feels like a kid who did something wrong. He knows that was not what the other intended to do but he's still overwhelmed by the sudden want to get out of this car and forget everything that happened in the last 30 minutes or so. "Ehm.. yeah thank you. For listening and everything. But I really.. I gotta go now." The words come out mumbled, his voice sounding small and insecure.

Kyungsoo looks worried again. "I can drive you, I still have time. Where do you need to go?"

Oh hell no. He really can't stay in this car any longer with this near stranger who now knows more about him than he should and who Jongin knows more about than he ever thought he would. It makes his heart beat faster, his hands getting sweaty. He doesn't even know this guy’s job or hobbies, or if he is a dog or a cat person, or which college he went to but he knows his fucking family story and a very personal detail about his relationship with his husband. What the fuck was he thinking when he started to break down in front of Kyungsoo? Why did he get into the car with him and tell him even more? Why did he listen to Kyungsoo’s story too?

Jongin panics. "No it's really okay. It's.. I.. I'm going now. Bye!" Before Kyungsoo can utter another word, Jongin gets out of the vehicle, sprinting towards the street and quickly getting out of sight.

--

"And then you just.. ran away?" Sehun asks in a disbelieving tone, his expression twisted into a mask of confusion.

Jongin nods, eyes trained on his hands which are resting on his thighs, too ashamed to look his best friend in the eye.

"You're so fucking weird Jongin, you know that right?"

Jongin groans, burrowing his face into his hands. "I know. I just.. I just couldn't be in that car anymore. With him."

"But why? Why?" His best friends sounds exasperated.

"I don't know." Jongin whines, dragging a hand through his already ruined hair.

"You're stupid. He probably thinks you're a weirdo now."

"I know." Jongin sighs and finally looks up. "I just.. I'm dumb. I don't even know why I broke down. It's not like I haven't talked to anybody about all the stuff I have to deal with right now. I guess it was just me thinking he has such a good life and how can he be so happy being pregnant while I'm absolutely miserable."

For a moment they just look at each other, Sehun clearly not knowing how to help him.

None of his friends really know how to comfort him when it comes to this topic. They are all still pretty young. Parenthood is a foreign concept to them. Jongin doesn’t blame them for being clueless how to help him, but he still wishes he had someone who knew what to do though.

Someone like Kyungsoo. Even though the other doesn’t really like being pregnant either, Jongin has the feeling he would be able to understand him better. He would know what to say when Jongin would be near a mental breakdown again. He knew what to do just a few hours ago, when he pulled him into his car and just listened and calmed him down. It’s Jongins fault that it ended in him running away.

He’s just fucking stupid.

“You should talk to him and apologize when you see him again.” Sehun suddenly interrupts his thoughts.

“What? Do you think I’m still going to yoga after today? No, I’m gonna stay at home and give into my weird craving to eat pringles with nutella and lie around all day thinking about what a dumbass bitch I am, thank you very much.”

Sehun rolls his eyes and punches his shoulder lightly. “You really are a dumbass bitch. Don’t come whining to me when you start getting cramps from eating only junk food and not moving except when it’s absolutely necessary.”

--

Three weeks later, Sehun’s only answer to Jongin’s four minute voice message in which he complains about not only getting cramps but also throwing up even more than before and having lower back pain is

told u so now go back to yoga and apologize to that man

--

Jongin manages to not go back for one more week. He tried doing yoga at home and almost broke his foot, he tried to just do some stretching but it didn’t help at all and he searched for another yoga group near him and found absolutely nothing.

So, he gives in and goes back.

He feels anxious; his palms are sweaty and he feels like throwing up (to be honest, he feels like that most of the time), when he’s standing in front of the gym. He almost chickens out when he sees a short man with black hair and thinks for a second it’s Kyungsoo.

In the end, he makes it to the relatively small room on the first floor where the session is held. He rolls out his mat and places his water bottle on the side of it. He just sits there waiting for the instructor, trying to calm himself down. listening to soft music playing in the background and the quiet conversations of the other participants.

He hasn’t seen Kyungsoo yet and he secretly hopes that the other just won’t come today.

Five minutes later the lesson starts and Jongin kinda forgets about Kyungsoo. It’s just too good to move and stretch his body in ways he never seems to be able to do without proper instruction.

Jongin feels incredible after the training ends, he can’t believe he missed this on purpose for a whole month.

He’s drinking some of his water when the reason he hasn’t come for four weeks suddenly appears just a few feet away from him. He chokes and coughs hard. When he’s able to breathe again, he looks up, relieved the other hasn’t spotted him yet because he’s talking to some women Jongin doesn’t know.

It takes him roughly a minute to get himself together, roll his mat up and get the courage to make his way over to Kyungsoo. At least he isn’t talking to the women anymore, so Jongin won’t interrupt their conversation. Nervousness makes his voice come out shaky and higher than usual when he tries to get his attention, ”E-excuse me, can I talk to you for a second?”

Kyungsoo turns around, his round eyes widening when he recognizes Jongin. “Of course, do you want to go outside?”

He nods and follows Kyungsoo out of the room and to his car, awkward silence between them.

“I’m quite surprised to see you again.” Kyungsoo begins the conversation when they’re both seated in his car.

Jongin smiles, knowing it looks unsure and fake. “Yeah, I just.. I was embarrassed. I still am. I want to apologize for my behavior last time. It was totally inappropriate and running away did not make it any better. I’m really sorry.” He lets his head hang low, not daring to make eye contact with the other.

Not until a warm hand finds its way to his knee, squeezing tightly and Kyungsoo is saying his name in a way that sends a shudder through Jongin’s whole body. “I’m not mad at you or anything. I was a bit surprised when you started telling me all this stuff and yes, it was kind of weird that you just ran away after I tried to comfort you and told you my own problems, but it’s okay. I understand that all of this is a lot for you. And I understand that you’re embarrassed that you practically had a breakdown in front of a stranger. But I don’t think you’re weird or dumb or anything like that. I was kinda worried to be honest.

“We don’t really know each other, but I understand your fear of being pregnant and all the side effects that come with it. In a way, it felt good to tell you about my problems. To talk about them to someone that is not Chanyeol or my friends.” There’s nothing but sincerity in Kyungsoo’s eyes and it makes Jongin feel kinda good to hear these words, knowing that Kyungsoo really means them.

“Thank you.” Is all he manages to say, his voice scratchy and thin. It’s quiet for a moment, then Jongin clears his throat and laughs awkwardly. “I’m really glad that you didn't judge me. And that you trusted me enough to tell me about yourself. Sometimes I just.. I think that nobody understands what I’m going through. But it’s good to be able to talk to someone who is pregnant and doesn’t feel completely happy about it too.”

“Yes like.. I am happy about having a child but.. I’m also scared and unsure if I should even be a parent.” Kyungsoo sighs, dragging a hand through his hair and leaning his head back against his seat. “Hey, you’re not in a hurry, are you? I know a nice little cafe we could go to if you want. It would be more pleasant to talk there than in my car.”

Jongin is a bit surprised by this offer, but he agrees without thinking too much about it.

It’s a short drive to the cafe and they easily find a table for themselves. Kyungsoo orders a coffee, black. Jongin drinks a cup of herbal tea. After an hour they order some cake and more tea, this time for both of them. Another two hours pass and it’s already getting dark outside, when they’re finally saying their goodbyes. Jongin doesn’t live far from the little cafe so he walks home while Kyungsoo drives away in the other direction.

He almost feels a little dizzy with all the new information he has gotten about Kyungsoo, and about Kyungsoo’s husband and his friends and so on. Kyungsoo doesn’t talk as much as Jongin does after he gets over his shyness towards strangers, but he still shares a lot about himself. They also exchange numbers and when Jongin gets home, there's already a message waiting for him in his inbox.

--
After that, going out with Kyungsoo becomes a regular thing in Jongin’s life. They go to that little cafe they went to the first time twice a week after yoga practice and sometimes they meet after work (for Jongin it’s more like before work) or for a quick lunch. Talking to Kyungsoo always makes Jongin feel better.

They also become very close with each other in a short amount of time.

--

One day, around two months after their first interaction with each other, Kyungsoo suddenly stops talking mid-sentence, a strange smile spreading over his face.

Jongin is confused, especially when Kyungsoo takes his hand and places it on his belly.

For a few moments they just sit there in silence, Jongin feeling slightly awkward. Until he feels a small motion against his palm. He gasps, pressing his fingers a bit harder into Kyungsoo’s belly. It happens again and Jongin doesn’t even notice the smile spreading over his face.

“I wanted to show you for a while now. It started moving around my 17th week. But it doesn’t kick often. I was only able to let Chanyeol feel it before, because it is moving so rarely.”

It’s a strange feeling that overcomes Jongin when Kyungsoo says stuff like this. It makes him feel special; that the other shares such intimate things with him.

“I haven’t felt anything until now. My doctor said it can take a while, but I should be able to notice it moving soon.”

--

Three days later, when Jongin just layed down and is on the verge of falling asleep, he feels his child for the first time. He doesn’t have words to describe the emotions the slight movement brings up in him. There are tears in his eyes when he carefully grazes his belly just with the tips of his fingers.

It’s the first time since he found out about his pregnancy that he feels a connection to the baby growing inside of him. It’s the first time he doesn’t feel like it’s something bad, something that should not have happened.

The first thing he does after he calms down and gets his thoughts under control again, is text Kyungsoo, still with tears of happiness in his eyes.

--

Jongin has to stop working 27 weeks into his pregnancy. Kyungsoo stops working around the same time, even though he’s a month ahead of Jongin. He’s in a better condition than Jongin, who’s still suffering from morning sickness and now also from swollen feet and a constant state of dizziness. It’s okay, because Jongin gets a lot of help from his friends when he’s too weak to clean his apartment or cook.

They both have more time to meet each other, even though Jongin is not a hundred percent sure if it really is a good thing.

He has developed a crush on Kyungsoo: a married man who is also pregnant with his husband’s child.

Jongin should’ve seen it coming, really. Kyungsoo made him feel a certain type of way from the beginning, but he ignored all the warning signs and spent more and more time with him. That’s what he’s gotten in return.

Feelings that won’t ever be returned.

It often makes him sad. Almost every night, he lays in his bed, thinking about Kyungsoo. How much he wants to be more than his friend. How much he wants to hold his hand and lose himself in his eyes and kiss him whenever he wants. He knows these thoughts are wrong. It’s not okay to think like that about a married man.
It also makes him question what kind of guy Chanyeol is, to be blessed with a husband like Kyungsoo. In such moments, Jongin always has to swallow down bitter jealousy, rising in his throat like bile. He has no right to be jealous. He doesn’t even know Chanyeol. All he knows about him is what Kyungsoo tells him and that makes him think Chanyeol is a great guy. The best husband ever. Someone who deserves Kyungsoo’s love way more than Jongin.

“Did you two decide on a name yet?” Jongin asks before taking a sip of his tea. They’re at the same little cafe they always go to, sitting inside and watching the rain falling outside.
“No. We really want something gender neutral, since we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet and we want to come up with the perfect name before I give birth. But we just can’t decide.” Jongin snickers at Kyungsoo’s words, shaking his head slightly. “You could just ask the doctor to tell you the baby’s sex.”
“No, you know we don’t want to know it before birth. You don’t know it yet either, do you?” Jongin just shrugs and looks at his cup instead of Kyungsoo. He asked his doctor to not tell him if he’s getting a boy or a girl. But not because he wants to get suprised or because he doesn’t care at all but because he thinks knowing the sex of his baby is going to make it more real. It sounds stupid, Jongin knows his pregnancy is real, he knows he’s going to be a father soon, but he still doesn’t feel ready for it. It’s not as bad as it was before he met Kyungsoo. The other helped him a lot to accept the fact that he is going to have a child soon and since the baby started moving and kicking he also feels a strange connection to it, but it’s still not like it should be. He’s still not happy about being pregnant. He’s still not fully content with it. And to be honest, he doesn’t think he ever will be.

“You’re overthinking again. I can see it in your face, don’t even try to deny it.” Jongin sighs. He knows Kyungsoo is right. He’s thinking too much again and it’s ruining his mood. He’s always like that. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize for that. I know you’re still scared. But it’s going to be okay, Jongin. You’re going to be a great dad. And you know you won’t be alone. I’m going to be here for you. Your friends are going to be here for you.” One of Kyungsoo’s warm, strong hands grazes his own and then he’s intertwining their fingers. Jongin’s heart stops for a moment before it starts pounding three times faster than normal.
It’s moments like this that make it undeniable to Jongin how much he likes Kyungsoo. And he tries to not think about the fact that this is maybe a bit more than a crush.

“So, only one month left, hm?” Seulgi asks first thing after she arrives at his apartment and sits down.
“Yes, but you already know that. I give all of you almost daily updates.”
She only laughs at the annoyance in his voice. “Your hormones are acting up.”
Jongin glares at her, while Baekhyun and Hyuna giggle at the comment.
“You’re terrible friends. You should support me, not laugh at me.” That earns him more amused laughter and he decides to ignore them until they’re done with teasing him.

“Is Sehun coming late today?” Baekhyun asks and Jongin just shrugs. “I don’t know, isn’t Sehun always late?” Before anyone can respond to that, the doorbell rings. “Speak of the devil.” Hyuna grins and gets up to let their friend in.
They spend a lazy afternoon together, playing games and talking about nothing and everything. It has been a while since they all saw each other and it’s nice spending time with his friends like that. But still, Jongin can’t stop thinking about Kyungsoo even when he should be distracted by their antics.
His friends of course notice that something’s off with him, and finally Baekhyun dares to ask about it. Jongin can’t help but react irritated. “Nothing is wrong. Everything is good, I’m perfectly fine and my life is just wonderful. Stop questioning everything.”

“Fuck Jongin, why are you like this? We understand that you’re pregnant and what that means for you, but that doesn’t mean you can treat your friends like shit. You’re always moody and distracted these days. What the hell is going on with you and don’t tell us it’s just the hormones or some shit. That’s a lie and you know it.” Jongin looks wide eyed at Seulgi, who is usually the calmest out of them and who is now staring at him with anger and worry in her eyes.
Did he really treat his friends that badly over the last few weeks? He didn’t even notice, but when he thinks about it now, she’s kinda right. He can’t remember the last time he thanked them for anything they did for him or smiled at them or said anything kind to them. He was just too caught up with himself.

Shame colours his cheeks red and he lets his head hang low. “I’m sorry. There’s just some stuff that’s bothering me. I shouldn’t let that out on you guys though.” Seulgi sighs and he can see her shake her head out of the corner of his eyes.
“It’s okay Jongin, just talk to us. What is bothering you? We want to help.” He hesitates. He doesn’t really know if he really should tell them. He knows they won’t judge him, but saying it out loud will make it feel even more real. And that’s what he’s afraid of. Making something real, that’s what he’s always afraid of. But with the way his friends look at him, he has no choice.
“I.. I have a crush on someone I shouldn’t have a crush on.” His voice is so quiet that he’s not sure if they really heard him, but his hopes get crushed when Baekhyun lets out an excited shriek.
“You got a crush? Ohhhhh who’s the lucky man? Do we know him?” As always, Baekhyun seems to just ignore the most important part of the new information he just received. The “Someone I shouldn’t have a crush on” part.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, preparing himself for what he’s going to confess next.
“It’s Kyungsoo. I got a crush on Kyungsoo. And.. maybe it’s more than a crush.” It’s just a whisper, barely audible in the room. But his friends heard it and for a moment, it’s completely silent. A moment in which Jongin hears nothing but his own voice repeating the words he just said in his head.
Maybe it’s more than a crush. Not maybe. He knows it is in fact more than a crush. He notices it in the way Kyungsoo can make him feel completely calm in one and unduly jittery in the next moment. How he feels safe when he’s with the other, how Kyungsoo is like his anchor in the mess that is Jongin’s life.
But it’s an anchor that doesn’t belong to him. He is not allowed to have these feelings. And that’s what’s making him fucking miserable when he’s not with Kyungsoo. He doesn’t think about these things when the other is next to him, but when he’s alone, realizing what a huge mistake it was to fall in love with Kyungsoo makes him hate himself, makes him want to cry and scream.

“Kyungsoo, the pregnant guy who is in your yoga group? Who you’re meeting like every day? The one who’s fucking married? What the fuck, Jongin? You fell in love with a married man?” He knows Sehun doesn’t try to harm him with these words, he’s just surprised, but it still hurts hearing this. He doesn’t dare to raise his voice, too afraid that it will betray him, so he just nods and after a few more seconds of silence that feel like forever, he can’t take the heavy gazes of his friends anymore and just starts to cry. Violent sobs shaking his whole body and he buries his face in his hands, feeling ashamed to react like this.

His friends are almost immediately at his side, their words consoling, their touches soft. He doesn’t know how much time passes until he gets himself under control again and the tears stop, but he is dizzy after, his mouth is dry and his face feels swollen.
He thanks Hyuna quietly when she brings him some water and downs the whole glas in one go, feeling better right away.
“You don’t have to talk about it if it’s too much. I’m sorry I pushed you to tell us.” Seulgi whispers sounding distressed. Jongin waves it off. He isn’t angry with her. It was time to tell someone. He normally shares everything with his friends so it was strange to keep his Kyungsoo problem a secret anyways.

“It’s okay, really. I just.. I don’t know what to do. He’s married. And he’s pregnant. And I’m pregnant too. Why am I like this?” He’s pretty sure he would start crying again if he had any tears left. But he doesn’t so he just tries to take a few deep breaths and not scream about how much it hurts to say these things out loud.
“Jongin, this isn’t healthy. Why do you even spend time with him anymore when you know it’s gonna make you fall deeper and deeper. That it’s just going to hurt you more and more?” Jongin sighs and shakes his head. They don’t understand. He has to spend time with Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo helped him so much over the last few months. He can’t let him go again. He got way too attached to do that.
They don’t really talk anymore after that. He knows they all want him to just stay away from Kyungsoo, because it’s hurting him to spend time with the other man. And Jongin thinks that maybe, after he gave birth he will be able to do that. But not now. He needs more time to get used to the thought of not seeing Kyungsoo anymore.

Two days later, he wakes up to three unread messages from Kyungsoo.

I’m on my way to the hospital.
My labour started earlier than expected.
Are you already asleep?

It’s like little sparks of electricity are shooting through his body when Jongin realizes what he’s reading. He’s out of bed in a seconds and has to sit back down on his mattress quickly because he forgot that he’s in his fucking eighth month and he can’t just spring out of bed like that.

Are you okay? Is it already here? Can I come visit?

He texts back before he gets changed and washes his face and forces himself to eat a small breakfast, brushes his teeth and his hair and then he has nothing left to do but wait for Kyungsoo to answer back.
Finally, after two hours of sitting around anxious and throwing up his breakfast (because morning sickness and excitement don’t mix well), he receives a new message.

I’m fine, just tired. And little Seyoung was born six hours ago. He’s fine too
I asked and you’re allowed to come but not for too long.
I'm on the third floor, room number 124

Jongin walks as fast as he can over to the bus stop and the eight minutes he has to wait feels like a lifetime. It’s even worse when he’s in the bus which is stopping every two minutes. It drives Jongin insane.
He’s excited and anxious at the same time. But first of all he’s happy. He’s so fucking happy that Kyungsoo’s little boy is here. That they’re both fine.
He needs longer than he wishes to find room 124 in the hospital, but when he’s finally standing in front of the right door, he has to hold himself back to not just burst through it. He closes his eyes for a second, trying to calm his heart and breathe and then, he knocks softly.

Kyungsoo’s voice is muffled, but Jongin can still hear him calling him in. He pushes the handle on the door down and opens it slowly.
The first thing he notices when he enters is how bright the room is. Completely white with big windows that let in the sunlight.
And then he sees the bed in the middle of the room, with Kyungsoo laying in it. “Hey.” He greets, sounding tired but happy.
Jongin wants to answer, but he can’t. It’s like someone stole his ability to form sentences that make sense and all that comes out of him is a small:”Oh.” There, in Kyungsoo’s arm, is a small figure. Looking barely bigger than a housecat. When Jongin gets closer to the bed, he can see a wrinkled, pink face with a tiny nose and tiny closed eyes and tiny lips that peeks out of the cocoon of blankets wound around the little boy.
“Oh my god.” Jongin doesn’t even notice that he sounds like he’s about to cry. Kyungsoo just smiles and takes his hand, bringing it close to the baby’s face. Jongin’s fingers graze Seyoung’s cheek and that is what finally breaks the damn. Tears of happiness escape Jongin’s eyes while he’s still staring at the little boy.
“I can’t believe he’s real.” It’s more a sob than anything else, but Kyungsoo still understands what Jongin said.
“Yeah, I can’t believe it either.” He agrees, watching the face of his little boy fondly.

“Same.” Jongin startles so badly at the unknown voice that he jumps back from the bed, looking around the small room wildly. “Woah, relax. I’m sorry, I thought you saw me when you came in and just chose to ignore me.”
Jongin knows immediately who the man is when he spots him standing up from the stool he sat on. Tall, big eyes, pink fluffy hair and an aura of innocence around him. Do Chanyeol. Kyungsoo’s husband.
“You scared him, Yeollie. Be nice and say sorry.” Kyungsoo laughs and Chanyeol obeys right away, apologizing and introducing himself.
“I know that you’re Chanyeol. I mean.. “ Jongin feels heat crawl up his cheeks and clears his throat, slightly embarrassed. “Kyungsoo always talks about you so I just.. knew you had to be Chanyeol. Also, who else should be here but you. Ah, I’m Jongin by the way. Nice to meet you.” This is not how he imagined that his first meeting with Chanyeol would go.

“I also know that you are Jongin. Kyungsoo talks about you quite a lot, I was looking forward to meeting you.” Chanyeol’s smile is big, same as his hand when he takes Jongins in his own and shakes it. His skin feels a bit dry and his fingers are almost unnaturally hot on Jongin’s for how cold it is in the room.
“Y-yes, it’s nice to meet you too.” He manages to say when Chanyeol lets his hand go again and takes a step back.
It’s strange seeing the man that was always just “Kyungsoo’s husband” in his head in person. To have a face connected to the name. Jongin wonders if it’s normal that he doesn’t feel jealous that Chanyeol owns Kyungsoo’s heart, something he so desperately wants. But then, he wants Kyungsoo to be happy and he just knows Chanyeol isn’t a bad guy.

The strange moment gets interrupted by a knock on the door and a nurse coming in, holding a tray with food in both hands. “Time for lunch. Your husband can stay but I have to ask your visitor to leave. You still need to rest.” She smiles apologetically, placing the tray on a little table next to the bed. She nods at Jongin and Chanyeol and leaves after that.
Jongin is a bit disappointed about hearing that he has to go. He arrived just ten minutes ago and now he barely spoke to Kyungsoo.
“It’s okay, Jongin. You can visit me again tomorrow if you have time. The doctor told me I have to stay for a few more days. You can come as often as you want.” He smiles and it makes Jongin feel better immediately.
“Okay, thank you. I’m looking forward to tomorrow then. Text me when something happens.” He pets Seyoungs cheek again before saying goodbye to both Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.
When he’s about to close the door behind him, he looks at the three of them again. Kyungsoo laying in bed, exhausted but full of joy, Chanyeol standing beside him looking excited and happy. Both watching their little son, who’s still sleeping peacefully. They are a real family now.
It does weird things to Jongin, seeing them like that. It feels like his heart is about to burst out of love and adoration. He just likes Kyungsoo so much that it makes him so happy to see him happy. And he already knows he adores Seyoung, how could he not? And then there’s Chanyeol completing the little family. Chanyeol whose eyes seem to shine with kindness and whose smile is the brightest Jongin has ever seen.
Jongin can’t stop thinking about them. It makes him delighted but sad at the same time. He’s glad that they have what they have, but he can’t stop remembering that he won’t have that. When his baby is born, he will be alone in a room like Kyungsoo’s. He still hasn’t told his family and there won’t be a husband or a boyfriend to support him either. There are going to be his friends visiting, but nothing more. He’s going to be alone with his child.

Jongin goes to see Kyungsoo every day for a week. Chanyeol is always there when he comes and never leaves unless he has to go to the bathroom or to get some coffee. To his surprise, it doesn’t really bother Jongin to have Chanyeol there. He’s nice and he makes all of them laugh. He’s also really caring, asking not only Kyungsoo but also Jongin how he feels and if he needs anything. It’s easy talking to him. It’s also funny watching him do stuff. He’s pretty clumsy and trips or knocks something over at least once every day while Jongin is there.

But even though he likes Chanyeol, he hesitates when he asks Jongin to go eat dinner with him in the hospital cafeteria one day before Kyungsoo gets discharged.. Jongin came around the same time Kyungsoo gets his dinner and normally he would just leave again and go home, but Chanyeol always stays as long as they let him so he eats at the cafeteria and then goes back up to his husband. Jongin knows that, he just didn’t expect Chanyeol to ask him to eat with him.
But there’s no real reason for him to decline the offer and so he just nods and grabs his stuff, saying goodbye to Kyungsoo and leaving the room together with Chanyeol.

He panics when they don’t speak for the first few seconds, just walking together in awkward silence. What when without Kyungsoo it’s going to be like this throughout the whole dinner?
But then Chanyeol starts talking: ”If I remember correctly, you are in your ninth month, right?” Jongin confirms this with a nod, waiting for Chanyeol’s next question. “So how much time do you have left?” His insides contract at that, fear rising in him when he thinks about how little time he has left. “Two weeks.” He murmurs, not really looking at the other.
“Oh, you don’t sound too happy about that?” When he glances at the Chanyeol, his big eyes are full of worry and curiosity.
“I don’t know. It’s a scary thought. Giving birth I mean. Having a child. I guess Kyungsoo told you about my situation?” Chanyeol frowns and shakes his head. This surprises Jongin. He was sure that Kyungsoo shared his story with his husband.
“He didn’t tell you?”
Chanyeol just shakes his head again. Then, after a moment, he adds: ”He would never share something personal about someone if he doesn’t have the permission to do so. You also don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. It’s okay.” He smiles at Jongin, big and bright and it reminds him of the sun. Jongin can’t do anything but stare at him for a few seconds, asking himself how someone can look so carefree and joyful, as if he had no worries at all.

“Oh, I should’ve guessed that Kyungsoo wouldn’t just tell stuff about me. But I honestly thought he told you. You’re like, the person closest to him.” Chanyeol laughs at that and shakes his head slightly.
“Yeah I am the person closest to him but not the person closest to you. So I have no right to know anything about you that you don’t want me to know.”
It only strengthens Jongin’s good feelings about Chanyeol as a person to hear such things. There’s more behind his first impression of being clumsy and funny. Jongin already knew this before, but with every minute he spends him it becomes more clear to him what an angel Chanyeol is.

“My parents don’t know that I’m pregnant. They wouldn’t approve of it. My sisters also don’t know. I don’t think they would react negatively, but I’m not really sure. I’m just too afraid to tell anyone in my family. They couldn’t do anything to help me anyways, they all live in Korea. My boyfriend left me after finding out that I am pregnant. We weren’t together for that long and I’m over him, but it’s still kinda hard going through all of this without a partner. I have really great friends, they helped me a lot, but they often don’t know how to comfort me, just because they don’t know how it feels being pregnant. Before I met Kyungsoo, I was really unhappy. I did not want to have a baby. I hated it. Now, I can’t say I’m thrilled about getting a child, but I’m okay with it. I know I can give him or her a good life, even though I don’t have the best job and I don’t earn that much money. I know I will be able to be happy. I know it’s going to be okay. And I don’t think I would feel like this if I never got to know your husband. So I’m really thankful that I was able to meet him and befriend him.”
It feels kinda strange telling Chanyeol all of this. Especially the last part, considering he has literally fallen in love with Kyungsoo. But he sure as hell won’t tell Chanyeol that.

They arrive at the cafeteria just when Chanyeol starts answering him. ”I’m sorry to hear you have such problems with your family. And, excuse me, but what kind of asshole is your ex to just leave you? Do you even know where he is right now? Do you have his number or something? You know he has to pay child support, right?” Jongin nods while getting in line for the food.
“Yes, I know. The legal stuff is all taken care of. But otherwise I don’t have any contact with him. He moved away and he’s willing to pay to not get in trouble, but he doesn’t want to see the child or me ever.”
Chanyeol looks mad hearing that. Really mad. Not like he’s just feeling sorry for Jongin, but like he’s actually angry. “What an asshole. At least he’s paying. I just don’t understand how you can not want to see your baby.” Jongin just shrugs. He doesn’t have an answer to that either.
Their conversation gets interrupted because they’re finally first in row, so they wait until both have their food and drinks and are sitting down on a small table opposite to each other before they start talking again..

“Anyways, I’m really happy that Soo was able to help you so much.”
Jongin nods and smiles at the thought of Kyungsoo. “He’s just such a good person. I had a total breakdown in front of him and we didn’t even know each other back then. But instead of judging me or avoiding me after, he talked to me more and invited me for coffee and to be honest, he initiated the whole friendship. I would’ve never thought to get this close to someone in just five month but it’s like I’ve known him for years. He’s just so kind. He looks kinda mean, but he’s actually really soft and cute and he always wants to help. But he’s still strong and he knows what he wants. He’s confident and handsome and he has a really dry humour but I like it. And he always knows what to say to make me feel better. And one time when I was in a really, really bad mood, I can’t even remember why, he bought me a little bear keychain because he knows I like bears and it just made my day. I was happy for the whole week after that. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to be friends with someone like Kyungsoo. He’s really one of the most..” Jongin stops mid sentence, frozen when he notices Chanyeols amused expression and his slightly lifted eyebrows.

“Why did you stop? Is something wrong?” There’s barley hidden checkiness in his voice as he tilts his head in a mocking manner. Jongin swallows, looking at him with uncertainty in his eyes and a hint of fear on his face.
“I.. I was rambling, I’m sorry.” He wasn’t just rambling. He practically just told Chanyeol that he fancies his husband. How the fuck can someone be so fucking stupid, what is wrong with him? Jongin wishes nothing more than to just disappear at this moment. To be able to teleport himself far, far away and never, ever see Chanyeol again.
“Oh no, it’s okay. I understand you. Kyungsoo is just really.. great.” The way Chanyeol says great, smirking at Jongin while doing so just tells him that he knows. He fucking knows Jongin likes his husband. And just to confirm this, Chanyeol winks at him, his grin getting bigger and even more amused.
“I.. I’m sorry, I have to go.. to the bathroom.” Jongin stumbles over his words and over his feet while he gets up as quick as he can and almost runs out of the cafeteria.

He fucking knows. Chanyeol knows. He knows and he’s laughing about him right now and he’s gonna tell Kyungsoo and they’re both gonna laugh about him and he’s going to lose one friend, Kyungsoo (even though he’s really more than just a friend to Jongin), and one potential friend, Chanyeol (to be honest, Jongin has already seen him as a friend for like, three days now), and he’s gonna die out of embarrassment.

He’s glad there’s nobody with him at the restroom when he arrives, because the first thing he does is fall to his knees in one of the stalls and throw up. He can’t think straight and all that’s in his head is how fucking stupid Jongin is to lose himself like that in front of Chanyeol.
He isn’t sure how much time passed when he can finally breathe normal again and is able to stand on wobbly legs. He flushes the toilet and goes to the sinks to rinse out his mouth. Then he splashes some water in his face and stares at his reflection in the mirror, taking a few deep breaths.
How is he supposed to come back to Chanyeol after what happened? He will be able to see the panic in Jongin’s eyes and the embarrassment in the redness of his cheeks. But he has to go back, he can’t hide forever in here and he can’t just leave either.
So Jongin has no choice but get himself back under control, taking deep, slow breaths and popping a mint in his mouth to get rid of the foul smell of vomit.

“Sorry I took so long.” He smiles apologetically at Chanyeol when he arrives at their table and seats himself back on his chair again.
“Ah, it’s okay.” Chanyeol waves him off and then starts talking about how the cafeteria food is better today then the last days he ate here, like the incident from before didn’t even happen.
They converse easily after that, no heavy topics but it’s still interesting and time seems to fly.
“I’d love to talk more with you, Jongin, but I want to see Kyungsoo and Seyoung again before I have to go too. Is it okay for you to go home alone?” Jongin reassures Chanyeol it’s okay, he did go home alone the last few days too.
He almost thinks he imagined the whole scenario from before, until Chanyeol hugs him goodbye and brings his lips near his ear to whisper: ”I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m not angry that you like Kyungsoo. I understand you, it’s just too easy to fall in love with him. Don’t worry, it’s okay.” He smiles his big, bright smile one last time at a frozen Jongin, before he turns around and goes back to his husband.

Jongin can’t stop thinking about Chanyeol’s words after that. They replay in his head constantly and he just doesn’t understand the meaning behind them. Chanyeol wants him not to worry about being in love with his husband? Doesn’t he understand that that’s a huge deal? Doesn’t he care about it? Jongin just doesn’t understand. And it makes him go crazy.
He doesn’t see Kyungsoo and Chanyeol at all for the next two weeks. They’re too busy with Seyoung. He misses Kyungsoo. He really misses him. They text and call, Seyoung’s crying in the background together with Chanyeol’s attempts to soothe him, but it’s not the same as seeing him in real life.
The only good thing at the moment are Jongins friends that come over a lot. He probably would’ve died of malnutrition without them. He’s in the final state of his pregnancy and that hit him hard a few days after the last time he saw Kyungsoo and Chanyeol. He felt okay back then, but now even standing up is hard. He stopped going to yoga about a month ago because it became too hard to do the complicated figures and from then on his lower back pain came back but now it’s not only that. His whole body hurts and he feels dizzy constantly. He can’t sleep and can’t eat dairy or meat or acid fruits because it makes him throw up immediately. Everything else is hard to keep down but it’s not impossible. His baby now also kicks him all the time. It doesn’t really hurt but it keeps him from being relaxed or concentrating fully on something.
He just wishes this all would be over already..

It’s the 4th of December, around five months after Jongin found out that he’s pregnant, when his water breaks.
Baekhyun drives him to the hospital, asking him every two minutes if he’s okay and nearly hyperventilating out of excitement. He’s on the third floor, room number 111. He already texted all of his friends as well as Kyungsoo. Now, he can do nothing but wait. Sehun and Hyuna visit him four hours in, holding his hands and encouraging him with gentle words when his contractions slowly start. They stay for around two hours. Then Baekhyun comes back together with Seulgi. They bring him soup and a little dog toy he can hold onto while the pain gets worse and worse.
Seulgi and Baekhyun have to leave too eventually and then there’s nobody there but Jongin and the dog plushie. It’s getting dark outside and he feels lost, staring out of the huge window into the night, wanting to scream from the pain.
Ten hours after his contractions started, they bring him into another room. And after that everything is a blur of voices telling him to push and his own raspy screams and sobs, begging for the pain to stop.

It’s strange how peaceful he feels when it’s over. He’s so exhausted, that it’s like a cloud is suddenly blurring his surroundings. He doesn’t really understand what’s going on around him, until a nurse is talking directly to him, holding his baby carefully in her arms, lowering it down until it lays on his chest. He automatically wraps his arms around the child.
“It’s a girl.” The nurse murmurs while making sure he holds her safely.

It is strange, the strangest experience of his life, to look at the small human that he now holds in his arms, knowing that just a few hours ago she was still inside his belly, safe and secure. And now she’s here, screaming in his arms with her little wrinkled face.
He can’t help but tear up. It is still unbelievable to him, that this really is his daughter. His child. All his worries from before, all his discomfort and his hate towards being pregnant. It’s irrelevant at this moment. He just knows that she is the most important thing in his life from now on. That he loves her more than anything else in the world.

“What do you want to call her?” The gentle voice of the nurse interrupts the moment and he looks up at her for a moment and then back down at his daughter. Just two weeks ago he decided to call his baby Nam if it was going to be a boy and Yuna if it’s a girl. But when he’s now looking at her, there’s only one name in his mind and it’s not Yuna.
“Dasom. That’s her name.”

Dasom gets taken away a few minutes later after he is done breastfeeding her for the first time and she stopped crying. She starts screaming again as soon as she’s taken away from Jongin.
“If you’re feeling okay, we’re going to bring you back to your room now. The placenta delivery already happened too, you didn’t even notice. Someone is going to bring a bed for your daughter in your room so she can be with you.” The doctor smiles at Jongin and congratulates him, before he’s taken away, back to the room he stayed in before.
A few minutes later, a nurse rolls in a little baby bed with Dasom lying in it. She gets her out of the bed and places her on Jongins chest.

He isn’t sure how long he just lays there with his little girl, looking fondly at her and petting over her small head. She already has a few fuzzy, black hairs. It’s the cutest thing Jongin has ever seen.
Eventually the nurse from before comes back in and tells him it’s best when he rests now. She lays Dasom in the small bed next to his and leaves again. Jongin didn’t even notice how exhausted he was before, but as soon as the door is closed, he is pulled into a deep, dreamless sleep.

When Jongin opens his eyes again, everything is bright around him. Too bright. He needs a while to adjust to the light and get his mind in order. It’s all a mess in his head and he doesn’t really know where he is or what happened. And then it comes all back in less then a second. His water broke and he got his contractions and then he finally gave birth. To a girl. But where is she? Where is his child? He doesn’t see the little baby bed standing next to his own anymore.
Panic rises in Jongin and he looks around wildly. Then he sees a figure sitting on a chair near the window, eyes closed and clearly sleeping.
“Sehun? Sehun, wake up!” Jongins voice is rough and he coughs to clear his throat a little. Sehun stirs in his sleep, blinking blearily before his gaze falls on Jongin. “You’re awake, finally. You slept for-” He interrupts himself to look at his watch before continuing, ”For six hours.” Jongin doesn’t really listen to his friend. He just wants to know where his baby is. Why is she not here with him?
“Sehun, where is she? Is something wrong? Is she okay?” His friend looks confused for a second, then realization dawns on him. “Ah, yes. She’s okay. They told me that they took her to the well-baby nursery because they wanted you to rest properly and she started screaming again shortly after you fell asleep. But I can get someone so they can bring her here if you want.”
“Yes please. I.. I need to see her.” Sehun hurries out of the room and even though Jongin knows that only a few minutes pass before he comes back, it feels like hours until the door opens again. A nurse walks behind his friend, holding a bundle of blankets in her arms. She smiles at him and carefully places Dasom on his chest.

Sehun takes a step towards them, looking nervous. “What’s her name?” He asks, more a whisper than anything else. Jongin answers his question, making Sehun smile with his reply. “It’s a beautiful name with a beautiful meaning.” Jongin just nods, looking back down at his little girl. She’s currently waking up, blinking sleepily and making a few unhappy noises.
“Oh, I think she’s hungry. Do you mind..?” Sehun shakes his head, still smiling. They don’t talk a lot while Jongin is feeding Dasom. Sehun just tells him that Baekhyun, Seulgi and Hyuna are planning on visiting him this afternoon. It reminds Jongin of Kyungsoo. He should’ve read Jongins messages by now.

After Dasom is finished, he asks Sehun to give him his phone. He checks his messages, a few from his friends congratulating him and telling him and five from Kyungsoo.

Shit, I didn’t look at my phone, sorry.
Are you okay?
Is it over already?
Is your baby okay too?
Can we come visit?

Jongin smiles, quickly replying that they’re both well and that he and Chanyeol can come visit him tomorrow. He doesn’t think he can handle anymore people coming today.

His friends are overjoyed seeing Dasom and Jongin just knows that they will spoil her with presents in the future. But he’s happy. He’s happier than he thought he would be.
His doctor also comes to check up on him if everything is okay and then it’s already night and he tells the nurses that he doesn’t want them to take Dasom away while he’s sleeping again. He doesn’t care that he’s awoken by her screaming five times, he just wants her near him.

“She’s beautiful. And I think she has your lips.” Jongin smiles back up at Kyungsoo who’s currently standing next to his bed, looking at Dasom in his arms.
“Yes and it’s so cute that she has hair already. Seyoung’s still bald.” Chanyeol snickers next to his husband, holding his son in his arms.
“Seyoung doesn’t need hair to be adorable.” Jongin murmurs while cooing at said boy.
“They are both adorable. Babies are usually really cute if you didn’t know that yet.” Kyungsoo comments before he holds out his hands, asking Jongin if he can hold Dasom for a bit. Jongin lifts her from his belly and carefully passes her over to Kyungsoo.
Warmth blooms inside of him when he looks at the older man holding his daughter in his arms, petting over her soft hair and smiling when she smacks her lips in her sleep. He then looks over at Chanyeol, who stares fondly at his husband while rocking their own baby softly from left to right. He wonders if he looks as whipped as Chanyeol when he watches Kyungsoo.

They stay for a bit longer, Dasom and Seyoung waking up in between, both commanding food. It isn’t even awkward or uncomfortable feeding his daughter in front of Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, especially not when Kyungsoo is doing the same with Seyoung.
When they have to leave, the room feels strangely empty again. Jongin lays Dasom back into her baby bed, trying to sleep before he gets dinner and has to feed his daughter again.

There’s not one day where Jongin doesn’t get visitors. One of his friends is almost always there. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo also visit him two more times before he gets out of the hospital. He’s happy to be able to go back to his small apartment and to lay his daughter in her own baby bed, which is standing next to his bed, that night.

The following weeks are hard for Jongin. He barely sleeps because Dasom is crying all the time. As soon as he leaves the room she wakes up and starts screaming. He can’t even go to the bathroom in peace.
It’s not easy and sometimes Jongin really wishes he could just give up. Or take a vacation from being a father. He thought after giving birth everything would be easier, but it isn’t. He has no time for himself anymore, his body is still exhausted and he finds it hard to not be constantly worried about Dasom. He’s always thinking about her, if she’s too warm or too cold, if she’s hungry, if she has everything she needs.
His whole life is now about his daughter. When he visits his friends she’s all they are talking about. When he’s visiting Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, Dasom and Seyoung are all they’re talking about in between changing diapers and feeding their babies.
But Jongin’s slight hope that the distraction that his daughter brings would maybe let him lose interest in Kyungsoo dies soon. Because when he’s not thinking about Dasom, he’s thinking about Kyungsoo. Which brings him to thinking about Chanyeol. He wonders if Chanyeol maybe forgot about the feelings he has for Kyungsoo. He hopes the older forgot about them. But he kinda knows it’s a pointless hope.

Three weeks pass in what feels like a day and suddenly, Jongin finds himself sitting alone at home on the day of Christmas Eve. It’s snowing outside, small, white crystals of ice which are melting as soon as they hit the ground.
Jongin doesn’t feel christmassy at all. When he thinks about spending Christmas alone, he just feels sad. Of course he has Dasom but he wishes his ex boyfriend, her other father, would be here with them. It’s the first time he misses him in months. It would be nice to at least to spend the day with his friends, but they’re all visiting their own families.
It doesn’t get better when his parents call him around 3pm to wish him Merry Christmas and ask how he’s spending it. They haven’t talked to each other in two months and nobody in his family knows he’s a dad now. He doesn’t plan on telling them either. So he just lies and says he’s spending the day with Sehun, wishes them Merry Christmas too and hangs up soon after.

It’s almost 6pm and Jongin is currently thinking what he should make for dinner, when his phone rings again. Without really looking who’s calling him, he picks it up.
“Hi Nini, it’s Kyungsoo. Merry Christmas from Chanyeol, Seyoung and me to you and Dasom.” Jongin grins, immediately feeling better.
“Hey Soo. Thank you and Merry Christmas to all of you too. What are you doing to celebrate?” He can hear Chanyeol talking in the background, his voice high pitched how it always is when he tries to make his son laugh. It makes Jongin smile, imagining him making funny faces for his Seyoung and giggling together with him.
“Chanyeol said he would cook and he didn’t want to tell me what he’s making so I don’t know about that. But afterwards we’re planning on watching some movies and eating too many sweets. What about you?”
For a moment Jongin thinks about lying at telling him the same thing as his parents because he knows Kyungsoo is going to worry about him when he admits that he’s spending his Christmas alone with Dasom. But he doesn’t want to lie to the other, so he says the truth, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.
“Oh.. I thought you would celebrate with your friends. Are you going to be okay?” It’s clear from the careful way Kyungsoo speaks that he’s not happy hearing the news. But Jongin just tells him it’s fine and that he still has Dasom to celebrate with.
They talk for a bit more after that, until Kyungsoo excuses himself because he has to change Seyoung’s diaper and Chanyeol is already busy with cooking so he can’t do it.

45 Minutes later, when Jongin’s just finished cleaning his room and wants to get started on dinner, his doorbell rings. He frowns, because who the hell could that be?
When he looks out through the little peephole in his door, he gasps. Because standing there carrying Seyoung in a baby sling in front of him is Kyungsoo.
“What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at home?” Is the first thing Jongin says upon opening the door.
“Hello to you too. And yes, I should be. But when I told my lovely husband that you’re here all alone two are here all alone, he told me to come and get you and Dasom to celebrate with us. So, pack up your stuff, grab your child and let’s go.” Kyungsoo doesn’t even give Jongin the chance to say something against him, he’s already in his bedroom before Jongin even closed the door, putting a few of his clothes in a bag.
“Come on, dinner’s going to be ready any minute and I don’t want to eat it cold.”

And so, Jongin finds himself at Chanyeol’s and Kyungsoo’s small but cozy house an hour later. Chanyeol welcomes him with a firm hug and Dasom with a kiss on her forehead. They eat bulgogi, sweet potato noodles and kimchi for dinner. Then they lay Dasom and Seyoung in a nest of pillows, blankets and plushies on the couch. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are all cuddled up next to them while they watch White Christmas together and at first Jongin feels a bit awkward, sitting a bit too near to them on the small sofa but when they’re halfway through the movie he stops caring and just lets himself get comfortable.
He’s able to stay awake for one more movie, but a few minutes into the third he slowly nods away, knowing that Dasom now securely sleeps in her stroller and Seyoung in his baby bed which Chanyeol brought into the living room at some point.

He’s awoken four times during the night. First because Seyoung starts to scream, which makes Dasom wake up and cry too. He gets her to sleep again quickly and smiles drowsily at Kyungsoo who’s still busy feeding Seyoung when Jongin’s already sitting back on the couch. He’s just too tired to go to the guest bedroom.
The second and third time is because Dasom is hungry and starts screaming. It’s a wonder Seyoung doesn’t wake up too.
The fourth time is because of Dasom again, but he doesn’t even get a chance to stand up. Instead Chanyeol is softly pushing him down again when he’s about to stand. “You just fed her. I’m going to see what’s wrong and if I can’t get her to sleep again, I’ll wake you up, okay?” Jongin nods slowly, watching Chanyeol through half closed eyes as he picks up Dasom and whispers to her in a soothing manner, swaying her from side to side. It makes Jongin feel all fuzzy and warm watching the other man treating his baby in such a soft way. He closes his eyes when she stops crying and falls asleep again with a smile on his lips.

It’s 7 am when he’s awoken completely through falling off the couch. He lands hard on the wooden floor, though he’s still lucky to not hit his head on the table standing between the sofa and the TV. When he’s sitting up, grumbling about his own stupidity of falling off the couch, he notices that Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Seyoung are gone.
He’s confused about the absence of his hosts, standing up slowly and making his way over to a still sleeping Dasom. But when he calls out for them, he receives an answer right away and finds all three in the bathroom, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo currently changing Seyoungs diaper.
“Oh, sorry I didn’t want to interrupt you guys.” He smiles sheepishly and this is the exact moment Dasom makes the decision to wake up and start screaming immediately. “You’re not interrupting, don’t worry. If you want to, we can change Dasom’s diaper as well and you can go get a cup of coffee. Chanyeol made some just a few minutes ago.” Kyungsoo smiles at him and Jongin’s glad to accept the offer, handing his screaming daughter over and going to the kitchen.
Five minutes later the others join him. Kyungsoo and Jongin feed their babies while Chanyeol makes breakfast. It’s strangely domestic in a way that makes Jongin feel calm and content, like he belongs here. But he doesn’t. This isn’t his home. It’s Chanyeol’s and Kyungsoo’s and he’s just a guest. He’s gonna leave soon and go back to his own apartment, taking Dasom with him while they’re gonna stay here, cuddling up on the couch again, trying to keep their son happy and looking at each other so full of love, that it makes Jongin’s heart physically hurt.

Jongin’s parents find out about him being a father when Dasom is not even one month old. It’s two days before New Years Eve when he gets an angry call from them, screaming at him why he didn’t tell them, that he’s a disgrace to the family and, worst of all, that he should’ve just aborted “the thing”. It makes him so fucking angry to hear his parents call his little girl a thing. He doesn’t even want to think about the fact, that he himself considered abortion in the early months of his pregnancy. He doesn’t want to think about the fact that he didn’t want Dasom. That he hated his own child at some point. Because she now is the best thing in his life.
Of course it’s fucking exhausting being a single dad, not sleeping more than six hours every day and struggling to not give himself up completely for the happiness of his baby girl. But he manages. And he loves Dasom more than anything in the world. So how dare they talk about her like that. But the worst thing of all is that not even his sisters are on his side. He always thought that they would understand him, help him, defend him from his parents. But they don’t. He can hear them in the background throughout the call, making nasty comments and agreeing to the words of their parents.
Maybe this is his own fault. For not keeping in contact with them enough to notice how they changed. Maybe it’s his fault for not telling them about his pregnancy earlier. He doesn’t even know how they found out and he doesn’t care.

As soon as the call ends, all the anger just floods out of him and there’s nothing left but sadness. He feels absolutely miserable, crying and sobbing uncontrollably. It doesn’t help when Dasom starts crying too. He doesn’t know what to do, how to stop the tears and get himself back together.
It’s natural to Jongin doing what he does next. He doesn’t even think about it, really. He just takes Dasom, placing her in her stroller, putting on his shoes, a coat and his face mask to hide his tears before he’s heading out.

Half an hour later, he’s standing in front of Kyungsoo’s and Chanyeol’s home, questioning himself if this really is a good idea. But he wants to see Kyungsoo, he needs to see Kyungsoo. So he presses the doorbell before he can think about it any longer and talk himself out of doing it.
He has to wait longer than expected, but when he’s about to ring once again, the door opens to a very sleepy looking Chanyeol. His hair is a mess and his eyes are only halfway open. He’s wearing one of his ridiculously oversized hoodies (Jongin wondered more than one time where he even finds those) and a pair of shorts peeking out underneath it. It’s almost absurd how cute and cuddly Chanyeol appears and it makes Jongin forget about the reason he’s here for a few seconds, especially when Chanyeol turns on his too big, too bright smile and welcomes him and Dasom excitedly.
“I’m sorry if I woke you up.” Jongin apologizes upon entering the house, but Chanyeol immediately waves him off. “It’s okay, I’m happy to see you. Did you just want to visit or is there a reason you’re here?” Jongin bites his lip, he knows it’s kind of rude if he now asks for Kyungsoo, but he’s the real reason he is here so he does it anyway.
“Ah, sorry but Soo is out with Seyoung for a check up at the doctor.” Chanyeol smiles unsure, his voice sounding apologetic.

He should’ve thought about that before. He should’ve called to see if Kyungsoo is even home before rushing over here. “Oh.. then I’m sorry for bothering you. I’m just.. I’m gonna go then.” He forces a smile out of himself, forgetting that Chanyeol can’t even see it because Jongin is still wearing his face mask.
“You don’t have to go. I know I’m not Kyungsoo and we haven’t really hung out without him much, but you can still stay. I can make some coffee or tea and we can talk or watch a movie or play some games or something. But you really don’t have to go back home just because Soo is not here.” Chanyeol smiles at him, seeming a bit unsure if Jongin will take his offer.
It’s true that they haven’t really spent time together without Kyungsoo, except when they ate dinner together at the hospital cafeteria. And Jongin really doesn’t want to be alone right now. It’s true that Chanyeol is not Kyungsoo but, that doesn’t mean Jongin does not like Chanyeol. So he takes off his jacket and shoes and follows Chanyeol to the kitchen, holding Dasom in his arms.

A few minutes later, they’re seated on the couch, Dasom lying beside Jongin on some blankets, sleeping peacefully. Only then Jongin takes off his mask to sip some off the coffee they made. It’s hot and barely bitter thanks to the amounts of milk and sugar Jongin put into the cup.
“Did you.. did you cry?” The question is sudden and when Jongin glimpses over at Chanyeol, the other looks like he’s surprised by it himself. “I’m so sorry, I don’t want to be intrusive or anything. It’s just.. your eyes are all red and there are tear tracks on your face. But you don’t have to tell me. God I’m sorry, I’m really bad at this.”
Jongin smiles because of Chanyeol’s rambling. It’s clear how hard he’s trying to make Jongin feel comfortable. Maybe that is what makes him mumble the next words, voice low and slightly rough. ”My parents found out that I am a father now. They practically disowned me.” Nothing happens after that for a few seconds, then there’s a large, warm hand on his knee and when Jongin looks up, he’s staring directly into Chanyeol’s big, brown eyes watching him with worry.

It’s the way he looks at him, that makes Jongin tell Chanyeol everything. How his parents didn’t even want to know their grandchild’s name, how his sisters are also against him and how it makes him feel like a failure all over again. There are moments where he can’t really talk because he’s crying too hard, barely being able to breathe through his sobs.
Chanyeol doesn’t say a word, just listening to him, his hand never leaving his knee, a constant pressure there that makes him not lose himself totally.
At some point, he stops talking completely, too exhausted to continue. That’s when Chanyeol puts his arms around Jongin, pulling him against his chest. He starts petting over Jongins hair, whispering in his ear how strong he is, what a good father he is and that he doesn’t deserve to be treated like his family treats him.
Jongin doesn’t know when he stops crying, just laying still against Chanyeol, his hands curled in the older man’s hoodie, his face hidden in his chest. At some point he must have fallen asleep, because when he wakes up it’s dark outside and Chanyeol’s snoring softly.

Jongins cheeks are on fire when he carefully gets up, trying not to wake Chanyeol. He takes Dasom in his arms, her screaming the whole reason he woke up in the first place. He tiptoes to the kitchen, seating himself on one of the chairs there and starting to feed his little girl. He stays in the kitchen even after she’s finished, trying to collect his thoughts and calm his mind.
Jongin still feels exhausted even after though he just woke up, his face is swollen and his body screaming at him to rest some more.
He sighs, not sure what to do now. It would be strange to just go to the living room again and cuddle back up to Chanyeol. But it would also be weird to leave without saying goodbye. Especially after what happened.
Jongin sighs again, dragging a hand over his face.
“You know, this chair looks a lot less comfortable than the couch.” Jongin almost drops Dasom with how startled he is. His heart is beating fast and his eyes are wide when he turns around, seeing Chanyeol leaning against the kitchen door. “God, I almost had a heart attack because of you.” The other just laughs, turning on the light switch and grabbing two glasses to fill them with water.
“Here, you should drink something after crying so much.” He smiles at Jongin and it makes his heart pound even faster.

It’s quiet while they both drink. Jongin doesn’t look at Chanyeol, not sure what he’s supposed to do when they’re done with their water.
“You’re not ashamed now, are you? It’s okay to cry, Nini. Especially after getting told such hurtful things from people who are supposed to care for you.” It’s the first time Chanyeol called him by the pet name Kyungsoo gave him a few months ago. It makes warmth bloom on Jongins cheeks and excitement pour through his veins. “I guess you’re right. I just feel stupid for not being able to handle stuff like this without help. I should be able to go through this without needing someone for comfort.”
Upon hearing that, Chanyeol steps closer to Jongin, laying a hand on his cheek and making him look him in the eyes. “That’s not true. It’s perfectly fine to need someone to comfort you. You don’t know how often I seek out Kyungsoo for help and he does the same with me. That’s totally okay and normal. To need someone. Don’t beat yourself up because of it.”
“Maybe it is okay, but the thing is that you and Kyungsoo are married, Chanyeol. You’re a family. You love each other. And I feel bad for always burdening Kyungsoo with my problems and now you too just because I don’t have that. I don’t have a partner. I have my friends but they just don’t.. I don’t know. When I tell them, it’s not the same as telling Kyungsoo. You know how I feel about him, Chanyeol. You know I like him more than I should.”

He lets his head hang low. It was the second time he admitted out loud that he likes Kyungsoo. The first time was months ago when he told his friends. And now Chanyeol. He knows about it already, but Jongin’s palms are still getting sweaty and he hears his blood rushing through his ears with fear of how Chanyeol will react.
“Jongin, I already told you not to worry about that. I know you won’t steal Kyungsoo away or something. And.. “ He stops, sounding unsure what to say next. Jongin lifts his head again, watching Chanyeol through his lashes. “Forget it. I don’t know what I’m saying.” Chanyeol laughs, too high and abrupt for it to be real. “Just.. don’t worry so much, Nini. And please know that you can always come to me and Soo and talk to us about everything. It’s okay. Don’t be shy.” His smile is real, lighting his whole face up and showing his dimples. Jongin doesn’t even notice the corners of his own lips lifting, looking up at Chanyeol with butterflies fluttering in his stomach and affection shining in his eyes.

He comes over a lot more after that day. Both Kyungsoo and Chanyeol often call him randomly, asking if he wants to join them for dinner or a movie night or brunch or for a day out with the babies. They help him when Dasom gets a rash and just won’t stop crying. He helps them when they both get sick and need someone to cook and clean and keep Seyoung happy. That is the longest time he stays over at their house, five days in total. It’s a bit like a second home now. There are some of his clothes in the guest bedroom permanently, he knows where what is in the kitchen and has his own toothbrush in the bathroom.
He doesn’t even notice that it’s maybe a bit strange how much he’s at Chanyeol’s and Kyungsoo’s place, until his friends bring up the subject.

“Jongin, are you sure you’re not in love with both of them. It’s like you’re their boyfriend or something.”
Jongin almost drops his handful of chips. “W-what?” He stares at Hyuna bewildered, his eyes round and confusion on his face.
“You know, you’re together with them all the time. You sleep at their place and you talk about them constantly. And we already know you like Kyungsoo but you started to talk about Chanyeol the same way you talk about Kyungsoo a few months ago.”
Jongin laughs, disbelief making it sound fake and ugly. “You’re stupid. I’m not in love with Chanyeol. You can’t be in love with two people. That’s not possible.” His friends all look at him like he’s the stupid one. Jongin shakes his head and laughs again. “What? Stop staring at me like that.”
“Jongin, have you never heard of polyamory? Of course it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time. And you obviously like both Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Stop lying to yourself.”
Jongin snorts and stands up, brushing his in chips dust covered hands of at his jeans and taking Dasom in his arms, just because she makes him feel calmer. “I’m not lying to myself. Stop talking like that. I don’t want to hear this anymore.” His friends obviously want to talk more about it, but they back up, nodding and leaving the topic behind quickly. They understand that he’s feeling uncomfortable and nobody wants to ruin the evening.

But when Jongin is laying in bed that night, he can’t stop thinking about Hyuna’s words. And it makes him replay all the memories he has together with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo in his mind. Makes him think of Kyungsoo’s warm hands and Chanyeol’s bright smile. About Kyungsoo’s gentle voice and Chanyeol’s big, soft eyes. About the way they make him feel happy and secure when he’s with them, appreciated and wanted. Like he’s someone special to them. How he’s always looking forward to not only seeing Kyungsoo, but also Chanyeol for the last few months. How awfully domestic it is when they are cooking together, eating together, falling asleep on the couch only to get woken up by one or both of the babies screaming. How it always makes Jongin smile to see Chanyeol making Dasom laugh, to see Kyungsoo whispering caring words at his daughter.
Realization creeps slowly through Jongin. They are right. His friends are right.
How the fuck could this happen? How is he not only helplessly in love with one, but with two men who are fucking married to each other. Why can’t his stupid heart understand that Jongin doesn’t stand a fucking chance? That he’s just going to suffer more and more because there are now two people breaking his heart.
He doesn’t know if he should cry or laugh about his own stupidity.

It’s kinda weird visiting Chanyeol and Kyungsoo the next day. It’s like he’s seeing them completely different now. He’s noticing how his body reacts to every little thing they do, how he’s blushing and giggling and getting all jittery not only when he’s with Kyungsoo, but also when he’s with Chanyeol. He’s catching himself leaning into their touches, laughing at Chanyeol’s jokes even when they’re not even the slightest bit funny and staring at Kyungsoo’s veiny hands all the time (to be honest, he always had a thing for hands but he’s downright obsessed with Kyungsoo’s).
The first few times he’s seeing the couple after realizing he has feelings for both of them, he’s talking himself into believing he’s okay. He’s okay with just being their friends and nothing more.
But it’s getting harder and harder to ignore the pain blossoming in his chest when he watches them kiss, even if they only exchange quick pecks when he’s with them. Or when he hears them whispering, telling sweet nothings to each other from what Jongin can understand. It feels like someone is stabbing him over and over again when they are watching a movie and they are cuddling with their fingers interlaced, Chanyeol’s head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. It makes him think of the time Chanyeol held him when Jongin had a breakdown in front of him.
It hurts him so fucking much that he can’t breathe sometimes, can’t do anything against the jealousy that’s holding him tight and making him feel unwanted and like an intruder to their relationship.
It gets to a point where Jongin is crying himself to sleep every fucking night and the only thing that can distract him from his depressing thoughts is Dasom.

Jongin thinks it’s kinda strange how much the knowledge he’s in love with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo affects him. He’s been in love with Kyungsoo for almost a year and he’s known about it from the beginning on and of course it hurt, but not to the extent it hurts now that he’s aware of the fact that he likes both of them. Maybe it’s because he was just used to being in love with Kyungsoo knowing that he didn’t have a chance to ever be together with him. But realizing he also loves Chanyeol woke something in him. And now he can’t even look forward to seeing them anymore because it’s just gonna cause him to feel more and more pain.

One month after realizing his affection for Chanyeol, Jongin comes to the decision that he can’t keep on doing this to himself. He can’t see Kyungsoo and Chanyeol anymore. It’s not healthy for him to feel like shit all the time because of them. They’ve even noticed something is wrong even though he did everything to hide it from them. Both have asked him more than once if he’s alright, if it’s something with his family again or with his friends or if Dasom is maybe sick. But Jongin always waved them off, showing his best fake smile and telling them not to worry.
But he’s come to a point where he just can’t take it any longer. So he does his best to distance himself from the couple, to find excuses not to visit and reasons why they can’t come over either.
He ignores their calls completely and replies with short, curt messages to their texts. He hangs out with his friends as much as possible to distract him. He forbids himself to think about Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, counting each day they don’t see each other.
It’s hard going from seeing them at least four times a week to not seeing them for one and a half weeks, then three weeks, then one month. They stop trying to contact him, only texting him occasionally, always asking if he’s okay, how Dasom has been and if he has time to meet.

Three months pass. Three months in which Dasom learns starts to eat baby food, gets her first teeth and begins to crawl around their little apartment. Three months in which Jongin slowly learns how to live without Chanyeol and Kyungsoo again, learns to suppress the feelings he has for them.
He’s not sad anymore. Now he’s just kinda numb. Only laughing with Dasom, only smiling over her little achievements and only feeling happiness when she’s looking up at him with her beautiful brown eyes, giggling over some stupid face he made for her.
He knows his friends are worried about him. But what can he do? He can’t just go back to meeting Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, not after ignoring them for months. And it would just be like before then. He would just get hurt again. And he doesn’t think he can go through that again. Of course he misses them. He misses them and Seyoung and the familiarity of their home and just everything that has to do with them. But he knows this was the right decision. It’s not only better for him but also for them. If they ever found out that he is in love with them, it would’ve just been awkward and they would’ve probably been freaked out by him.
So Jongin continues avoiding the couple, hiding away in his little apartment with Dasom, forbidding himself to even think about Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.

Jongin is dozing on his couch, his daughter in his arms, when his phone interrupts the peaceful stillness. He yawns, blinking his eyes open and just staring at the ceiling for a few moments, before lazily extending his right arm to blindly feel around for his phone.
When he finds it, he brings it in front of his face and unlocks it while shifting Dasom in a position that is a bit more comfortable for both her and him.
He sighs when he sees that the message is from Kyungsoo. He really, really does not want to think about him and Chanyeol right now. But he can’t stop himself from opening it either.

Jongin, we really don’t know what we did to you
but we’re sick of this. Please visit us today. We
just want to know what we did wrong. I promise
we’re going to leave you alone if you don’t want
to meet us, but we really want to try and make up
for whatever we did to upset you. You can come
over whenever you want, we’re home all day.

Jongin swallows. Hard. Reading this makes him feel like shit. Because he behaves like a fucking asshole. They did nothing wrong. They did absolutely nothing wrong. It’s all his fault because he had to fall in love with two people at the same time. Because he had to fall in love with a married couple. Because Jongin is a stupid bitch who can’t control his feeling and is selfish as fuck.
He should just text them that he won’t come. That he doesn’t want to see them anymore and he doesn’t want to explain anything. But he can’t. He just.. he needs to see them. It’s been over a month since their last meeting which was wonderful and awkward as fuck at the same time.
Even if this is going to be the last time, he just needs to see them. And then he’s going to search for a new job and an apartment far away from here. He’s going to move to a new city, maybe even to a new country. He’s going to leave everything behind to take away any chance he’s going to see them again after today.
He doesn’t even text Kyungsoo back that he’s coming. He just gets Dasom into her stroller, puts on some shoes and a light jacket and leaves the apartment.

His heart is beating so hard, Jongin thinks it’s a wonder it’s not just breaking out of his chest. His hands are clammy and his thoughts are racing. Panic and excitement make him breathe too short and fast, make him feel jittery, biting his lip until it’s slightly swollen.
But he doesn’t even hesitate for a second before he rings the bell as soon as he arrives, afraid he’s going to get too scared and run away, back to the safety of his own place. He doesn’t want that. He just wants to see Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.

And then the door opens and he’s greeted with Chanyeol’s big, brown eyes. Jongin almost starts crying right then and there. Chanyeol just looks so fucking beautiful, even though his hair is a mess and he seems to have had a slight breakout and his hoodie has a sauce stain on it. He still takes Jongin’s breath away and they just stand there and stare at each other for a few seconds, neither of them moving or saying anything at all.
In the end it’s Jongin who is the first to get himself back together, smiling slightly and coraking out a raspy, ”Hey.”
Chanyeol blinks, once, twice, then he returns his smile and tells him to come in. Neither of them say a word while Jongin is taking off his jacket and shoes and gets Dasom out of the stroller. She’s watching him silently, which he’s grateful for. In contrast to the first few months, she almost never cries or screams nowadays.
Jongin follows Chanyeol to the living room. It kinda feels like coming home, seeing the familiar furniture of their house.
Kyungsoo sits on the couch, Seyoung on the carpet in front of him, playing with some toys. Kyungsoo doesn’t say a word when Jongin carefully sits down next to him, leaving at least half a meter of space between them. To his surprise, Chanyeol lets himself fall next to Jongin on the couch, even though there’s more space on Kyungsoo’s other side. Now, Jongin is trapped between them, feeling incredibly awkward and giddy with happiness because he’s finally here again at the same time.
He carefully lowers Dasom on the floor, where she’s crawling over to Seyoung quickly, clumsily taking one of his toys. He lets her, watching silently and then going back to playing with the miniature horse in his hands.

“So, you came.” Kyungsoo finally says. Jongin just nods, not really knowing what to say. “We’re glad that you’re here.” He can hear the smile in Chanyeol’s voice without even looking at him.
“How are you?” Kyungsoo asks, sounding strangely disinterested. Like he’s trying not to show too many feelings.
“I’m fine, thank you. What about you?” Kyungsoo shrugs and states that they’re also fine. After that it’s silent again. Jongin begins to think that maybe it was a mistake to come here.
“And how’s Seyoung? Everything okay?”
Kyungsoo sighs, sounding annoyed. It makes Jongin curl in on himself, interlacing his fingers in his lap and keeping his head down.
“You know we didn’t invite you over for small talk, right?” He nods, trying to get a glimpse of Kyungsoo out of the corner of his eyes, but failing. “So, tell us why you’re avoiding us. Why you’re not answering our calls, why you don’t come over anymore and don’t even text back most of the time. What did we do wrong?” Jongin swallows, feeling anxious, all the happiness from a few moments ago replaced by guilt and fear.
“I.. you.. it’s just that..” He falters, not knowing what to tell them. He can’t admit the truth but he didn’t think of a lie that sounds convincing enough. They didn’t do anything wrong.
Suddenly, there’s a hand on his knee. It’s Chanyeol, trying to calm him like he did all those months ago when Jongin told him about his parents. It brings tears to his eyes and he quickly pushes Chanyeol’s hand away.
“You didn’t do anything. I just.. can’t see you anymore. I’m sorry.”

“You what? Why? Why can’t you see us anymore?” It’s Chanyeol speaking this time, sounding disbelieving and hurt. Guilt seems to swallow Jongin whole and he can’t look at them anymore, not even when they ask him to, together with more “Whys?” and “Please tell us your reasons.”
He feels terrible. Like the biggest asshole ever. He’s just so fucking selfish. They helped him so much in the past, even though he did nothing for them. They always listened to him whining about his problems, giving him advice and comforting him. And now he’s telling them he doesn’t want anything to do with them anymore without a reason.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Please just accept that I can’t meet you anymore. No calls or texting either. It’s for the best.” His voice is wobbly, full of emotions he can’t hold back. He’s about to stand up, but two hands on his arms are holding him down, pulling him until he’s sitting again. “You don’t sound like you don’t want to see us anymore. What’s holding you back? Jongin please, tell us. Do you know how much we worried about you the last few month? We fucking miss you! You hurt us with just disappearing out of our life after spending so much time together. You can’t just tell us we are not allowed to contact you anymore and go!”

It’s all too much. Jongin is crying now, salty tears running down his face, wetting the collar of his shirt. His feelings are one big mess and his thoughts are running wild. He can’t control himself when he’s pulling free from them, standing up and turning around, looking at them and not even seeing their faces clearly because he’s crying too hard.
“It’s because I’m in love with you! I’m in love with both of you and I hate myself for it! I can’t see you anymore because it hurts too much! Because I’m a stupid, selfish bitch who is greedy enough to want to people and dumb enough to want two people who are already in love with each other, who are married to each other! That’s why I don’t want to be around you anymore! It’s just.. it’s too fucking painful to know that I don’t stand a chance.”
His voice goes quiet at the last sentence, breaking into a sob. He faintly hears one of the babies start crying too, probably because of his yelling. Glancing down at them he sees that it’s Seyoung. But Dasom is also staring at him, looking confused.
Jongin kneels down to her, picking her up and cradling her in his arms. “I’m sorry.” He manages to get out with his chest feeling so tight he can’t breathe anymore. Fear and shame and disappointment in himself consume him. He shouldn’t have lost control. They were never supposed to know why he can’t be their friend anymore.

Jongin turns around, not looking at the two figures still sitting on the couch without saying a word. He’s almost out of the living room, when there’s suddenly a noise behind him and then there is a hand on his shoulder, turning him around. It’s Chanyeol, staring at him with a strange expression.
His hand comes up to Jongins face, cupping his cheek softly. His heartbeat increases and he tries to get his voice to work again to ask what the fuck is going on. But he doesn’t have the chance to do that, because Chanyeol is leaning towards him until he can see nothing but his beautiful brown eyes which are fluttering close just a second before there is a soft pair of lips against Jongin’s own.
At first, he doesn’t understand what's going on, not moving, not thinking, just holding onto Dasom who is squished between them. Then Chanyeol starts to move his lips, just a soft slide against Jongins and it’s like time starts again and his thoughts are full of “Chanyeol is kissing me.” and “Why is Chanyeol kissing me?” While his body reacts on its own, his eyes closing and his lips moving against Chanyeols, sweet and innocent.
And then it’s over, they’re both leaning away at the same time. Chanyeol with a smile on his face and Jongin with racing thoughts and a tingling lips.

“Has it never occured to you that we are maybe just as selfish as you, being happy and in love together but both still falling for you? Both wanting to hold your hand and kiss you and be the reason you smile even though we already have each other? Because that’s the case, Jongin. We’re both in love with you too.”
Jongin doesn’t understand. His brain is not working right, not processing the words just repeating them in his head over and over again. Seyoung is still crying in the background, Kyungsoo trying to comfort him while also watching them. Jongin is just staring at Chanyeol, trying to understand.
“Jongin, are you okay? Did you hear me?”
He nods automatically, shifting Dasom in his arms. “You’re in love with me.” And when he says it out loud, that’s when he’s finally processing the meaning behind that confession.
They’re in love with him. They are both in love with him. And Chanyeol kissed him. They’re not weirded out by him because they are in love with him too even though they’re still in love with each other. And that thought is what’s crushing the happiness that dared to come up in him again. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are literally married to each other. They may like him, but they already have one another.

“And what now? You like me and I like you, but you are already together. There’s no place for me here.” Jongin shakes his head, looking down. Now that he knows they have feelings for him too, it hurts even more that he can’t do anything about it.
“There is a place for you. Kyungsoo and I.. we’ve talked about this before. I confessed to him about five month ago that I am in love with you. And then he told me that he feels the same way about you. And he had a feeling you liked him too and I confirmed that. But we were unsure how you felt about me and we are both new to the whole having serious feelings for more than one person at the same time. But we talked about it for weeks and we wanted to confess to you, but then you started distancing yourself from us. And we thought maybe you just needed some time alone and tried to respect that. But we really missed you, Nini. It just wasn’t the same without you around. Kyungsoo was so moody and I was always tense and we were just sad. And I know this is all pretty sudden and a little much but when we wanted to confess to you, when decided that when you’re feeling the same about us we were going to ask you to be our boyfriend. And now that you know you like us and you know we like you..” He stops mid sentence, suddenly unsure, glancing at his husband for help.

Jongin is feeling slightly dizzy with all the new information and the different feelings that rushed through him hearing them. So he lets himself be guided back to the couch when Kyungsoo is telling them to sit down. Jongin places Dasom next to a now calmed down Seyoung on the carpet and then seats himself in between the couple.
“Everything Chanyeol told you is true. We both like you and we want to ask you if you want to be our boyfriend. We know it’s unconventional and we fully understand if you don’t want that but it’s st-..”
“Yes, I’d love to be your boyfriend.” Jongin interrupts Kyungsoo, suddenly too impatient to wait any longer. This is a dream come true. To be honest, he isn’t even sure if he’s really awake right now, if this is really happening. Because this is something Jongin didn’t even dare to think about before.

“I don’t care if it’s conventional or not. I just like you both so much and it was so painful to stay away from you and I really can’t believe you’re in love with me and-..” It’s Kyungsoo who now interrupts Jongin by pressing his slightly rough but plush lips against Jongin’s own.
His right hand is on Jongin’s face, his thumb caressing his cheekbone, while his other hand is on his hip. Jongin practically melts against Kyungsoo, smiling against his lips and feeling nothing but happy and giddy with love.
When they part, they just look into each other's eyes for a few seconds, Jongin completely losing himself in the darkness of Kyungsoo’s orbs.
Then Chanyeol is poking him in the back, trying to get Jongins attention. He slowly turns away from his boyfriend to look at his other boyfriend (calling them both boyfriend in his head makes him feel like floating with a new wave of happiness).
He hasn’t even turned all the way, when there’s an excited pair of lips against his own and Chanyeol making a small, happy noise into the kiss which makes Kyungsoo chuckle from behind them.

Kissing Chanyeol is really different from kissing Kyungsoo. He was too out of it to notice it the first time, but Chanyeol’s kisses are playful and there’s no fighting for dominance because they take turns leading the kiss without having to fight for it. Kyungsoo is more dominant. He’s clearly the one in charge and Jongin doesn’t even try winning over him, didn’t even want to.
The thing is, that he knows he’s already addicted to both of their kisses. They just make him feel so good and content and loved. And he’s pretty sure that they’re going to have some problems with this whole polyamory relationship stuff in the next few months. He doesn’t know what his friends and their friends and Chanyeol's family will think of it, he doesn’t know if jealousy will be a problem and he knows for a fact that making everyone happy all the time is going to be absolutely impossible. And there are also Seyoung and Dasom who will always be their priority number one and who they have to look after.

But after they’ve brought the kids to bed that night and Jongin is laying between his boyfriends for the first time, Chanyeol snoring softly to his right with one arm and one leg thrown over Jongin and Kyungsoo sleeping quietly to his left, spooning him from behind with their hands intertwined, he just knows that they are worth all the trouble in the world.