Chapter Text
“From now on, you’re accountable for your own actions. If you decide to forgive me, I will be there for you. But if you continue to work with Lex, if you go through with whatever it is that you two are planning, I will do everything in my power to stop you. Just like any other villain.”
“KARA! PLEASE KARA! I LOVE YOU! I’M SO SORRY! PLEASE! I’M SO SORRY! Lena screamed at the top of her lungs. “PLEASE DON’T! I NEED YOU! KARA STOP! PLEASE STOP!”
Supergirl stormed at Lena, her eyes glowing red with fury. Lena knew she was about to use her laser vision. The enraged hero pushed Lena hard over the side of her office balcony. She managed to grab hold of the railing but her hands were sweaty. Her fingers slipped slowly, one at a time. Kara flew behind her, her eyes dead and cold. She watched as Lena struggled, but she did nothing to help her. She made no move to save her. Finally, Lena’s fingers slipped and she fell into the darkness.
Lena kicked wildly, and clawed at the sheets for dear life. She reached out desperately, grabbing for Kara, but she wasn’t there. She wouldn’t be there anymore. She made that much clear. Lena sat up, panting and gasping for breath.
“It was just a dream”, Lena said still shaking.
Her entire body was covered in a thin layer of cold sweat, and her hands ached from gripping the sheets all night. Lena’s face was wet with tears. She wiped her eyes and struggled to take a deep breath. Her comforter and pillows were strewn about the floor, victims of Lena’s night terrors. The sad reality was that it wasn’t just a terrible dream. Kara really had come to her and told her that she was done. At first, she boiled with rage. Her anger reached a new peak, but the moment she got home, changed her clothes, and sat down in the deafening silence, she broke down. She realized her anger had been replaced with something new.
Her hand moved instinctively towards the glass of brown liquid sitting on the nightstand. It was a mixture of expensive whiskey, watered down and cheapened by water, the remnants of ice long melted from the night before. She drank it down in one shot and fell back hard on the bed, no pillows to catch her fall. The air was choked with the echoes of her screams. She slammed her hand down hard on the bed and let out a low growl. What was she feeling? Her default for the last few months had been betrayed. No, that wasn’t right. She felt a mixture of betrayal and seething rage, and yet, as frustrated as she was, she was sure what she was feeling wasn’t anger.
Kara’s words haunted her. “Just like any other villain”, Lena whispered softly. Her head dropped and she immediately recognized the emotion that was weighing heavy on her heart. Devastation.
“You Mean The World To Me”, by Freya Ridings
https://open.spotify.com/track/1bC7e6WRkuFEeGSRAcsZwy?si=Ampojd0ASMiL6KJFO9ysyQ
She had imagined hundreds of scenarios with Kara over the last few months. She wanted to make Kara hurt the way she had been hurt. She would day dream about revealing to Kara, all of her terrible secrets. She would just smile and say “Now you know how it feels.” She never imagined a scenario where Kara would give up on her. Yes, she was angry. She was hurt and betrayed. Even Kara admitted that she kept the secret of her true identity for way too long, but Lena was at a loss. She could set a clock by Kara’s heart. Loyal, loving, and a fighter to the end. But now, Kara was no longer willing to fight for her. Kara no longer believed in Lena’s light. Lena no longer saw the look in her Kara’s eyes that made her fall madly in love.
Lena began to quietly sob. She wanted desperately to be the badass bitch in the suit who could take on the world, but she was finding it impossible to rally. There was an unfamiliar fragility that swept over the shaken CEO. She was delicate. So much so, that she was sure if Kara were to say her name, she would collapse and die.
Lena’s phone vibrated across her nightstand. She ignored it until it stopped. It was him.
“Not now”, she barely managed as she continued to weep. “Damn you Kara! Why do you have this effect on me? How do you cut me open the way you do? How do you make me feel so vulnerable? I HATE IT! I hate you!”
Lena rubbed the back of her neck and shook her head.
“No, I don’t. I wish I did. If I hated you, this wouldn’t feel so unbearable. I love you. I love you so much, but that can’t quiet the anger. What is wrong with me? I just stood there and let you fly away.”
Lena buried her face in her hands and wept. There didn’t seem to be an end to her pain. She knew in her heart that she held onto her anger for months to save her the devastation she was feeling now. Anger was familiar. It was like a warm blanket on a cold night. No, that was Kara. No more warmth awaited Lena at the end of a long day. Kara’s bright eyes and her warm smile could move planets. Her lion heart could defeat any demon that dared come there way. Now, Lena was the demon. Now Kara’s warm smile would be reserved for another.
“You’re probably going to go date another Mon-El-alike jerk and hate me forever. You cut me open and rip my heart out every time I see you, but I’m sure you think I’m just some cold, unfeeling bitch. You see what I want you to see. You see a facade. If you knew what I felt, you would run. If you knew the way I loved you, you would push me away.”
Lena clawed at the sheets and let out a visceral howling cry of frustration. She grunted and slapped both of her cheeks with her hands.
“Come on Lena, pull yourself together. So, she has given up on you and plans to treat you like a villain. Who cares? You have a mission. Cut her down the way she cut you down. Be the villain everyone assumes you are. Stay angry. It’s better than this hopelessness.”
Lena looked over at her empty glass and thought about Kara. She couldn’t help but smile a little picturing Kara’s vehement disapproval over her chosen painkiller.
“How does she creep into my mind and make me smile like that, even when I feel this way? How can someone who brings me so much joy, devastate me like this?”
“Angel Of Small Death And The Codeine Scene”, by Hozier.
https://open.spotify.com/track/7uY7jZs5srSx3xMmyCI48T?si=f53uBXZqSBarcVyjxNe4Zg
Kara had always nurtured her and protected her. She had always wrapped her arms around her, and kept her safe from the world. Not just from the villainy of National City, but from the lingering darkness that laid dormant in the back of her mind and her heart.
Lena knew now that the crushing feeling of devastation stemmed from a simple place. She no longer felt safe. She no longer had hope. She no longer dare imagine that Kara could love her with the same passion. During the past few months, she never doubted that Kara would love and protect her, no matter how cruel she was to her. She never doubted that Kara would continue to beg for her forgiveness. Kara treating her like a villain meant that she would no longer be watching over Lena with love. She would no longer be that beautiful hero who saved her when she was falling to her death from the L-Corp building. Lena smiled again, but her eyes were blurry with tears.
“I felt so safe in your arms.” Lena’s face fell. “Now, you’ll just let me fall.”
Lena’s phone vibrated across the nightstand again. She wanted to pick it up and throw it. She wanted to move from room to room and break everything in her path. She felt untethered. Anger, rage, betrayal, she could handle. This devastation, this loss, was just too much for her to bare.