Archive of Our Own

There are five stages of grief. They look different to all of us but there are always five. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. According to Kübler-Ross, humans go through at least these five stages whenever they lose someone or something or hearing about their own death. 

You out of all people would understand that. Being a veterinarian, you have watched enough grievances in your clinic. Pets that come but never return homes, having to explain to the client about the terminal disease of their feline, or worse when you need to put down an animal because that is the only humane way of letting them go.

Of course there’s the bright side of the job. You get to work on saving various kinds of animals. From domestic animals to the wild ones. You worked in a zoo for a while before. Opening up your own clinic with your best friend as your partner is a bliss since you can focus more on domestic pets. 

Your good days are when you get to see the relief smiles on the pet owners’ face every time their beloved pets are in a good condition. You’re not a people person and spending most of your day with beautiful animals is one of the biggest perks of being a vet. 

When it’s bright, it is also dark. You noticed kids see you as one big meanie because you couldn’t save their dogs. They would deny that their dog is sick, saying you’re a liar and then they got angry after you explained to them, in a way they should be able to understand. Kids usually started to scream and trash around but the adults are way more scarier. You have no idea what’s going on in their heads unlike kids who projected grievances in tears and wailing. 

After denial and anger then comes bargaining. Lines such as “I’d pay you any amount of money just let my dog live,” or “can we try another option? My cats are my life,” are common. Nothing beats the next stage of when the depression hits. It’s hard to see pet owners giving up and turn away when you’re explaining the news to them. Eventually they will learn to accept it. But acceptance is the last stage, to go through all of the stages is just pure horrid.

Many don’t understand, life as a pet owner is different. The tight bond that was formed is as strong as human and human bond. They may be animals but to some they’re family.

But this is not the death of any pet, and you have no idea if the Kübler theory could still apply to you. Because you kind of skipped the whole process and jumped into the acceptance level. Or worse, maybe you don’t feel anything at all.

Sitting down in the living room, your eyes wander to every person wearing black in this house. Everything is unfamiliar. From the people you have no memories of, claiming that they’re a friend of the deceased. To the house. It has been years since you left without looking back. After the big fight. Being inside it now, surrounded by strangers is making you more confused. Unknowingly you wish she was here. But she never will, not when she was freshly buried six feet under a few hours ago.

The first reaction when you got a call from the hospital was you laughing bitterly. It’s your mom. She had a brain hemorrhage, it was a sudden death, at least that was what you can manage to listen to as the doctor talked to you. Strangely all you heard was a static noise. This had got to be a sick joke.

As far as you can remember she’s very healthy. She eats right, she jogs in the morning. It doesn’t make sense. Has she changed? Was it because you never came home? But that’s because she’s the one who doesn’t want you. 

This frustrates you more as her friends keep coming to you to deliver their condolences when you can’t even think of anything to say about her. You don’t even know these people!

Gripping a glass of water, you lean on the kitchen counter. Trying to get away from everyone. One of your mom’s friends is handling the food for the guest. A good thing about funerals, the family members rarely get to do any work. To give them space to grieve properly, they said.

You take a gulp down, in hopes it will soothe the burning feeling you feel in your guts. You have yet to recognize it as a grief. So you’re trying to recollect any memory you have of her, at least by that you might be able to organize whatever it is you’re feeling right now. 

Your mom wasn’t the best mom as much as you wasn’t the greatest daughter. At an early age, you learned that she was just a strict person, who wanted things to go her way. But as you grow up, especially in your emotional wobbly teenager phase, your conclusions on her behavior towards you are just plain hateful. 

At least when you were younger, there’s happy times but it seems to get lost in the air as you come of age. 

Around high school you found out that your mom is actually a best selling author. She was happy for her ‘children’, not you, the one she saw as someone who can’t be extraordinary, unlike her.

She broke so many walls by being among a few women in her field, a best selling author with not only one book but a series, she is a poet too. She too, has been collecting prestigious awards in her bag. Being all that and a single mother.

The last title however doesn’t sit well with her. Because some woman wasn’t just meant to be a mother. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But being on the receiving end sucks. 

She would constantly remind you to be someone like her. Being pressured to do things you hated. Signing you up to so many unnecessary lessons be it musically, arts or whatever is her favorite pastime. 

Like anything in this world, some are just not meant to be. Just like you and your mother. She was hell bent in shaping you as a trophy daughter of a successful writer but you’re born to torment her. She knew it and you learned to rebel against her.

And that frustrating atmosphere cracked open a gap in between you and her. Over the time and lack of communication, the gap keeps widening and the depth is darker than a night sky. Before you know it, you went on living on each other’s lives separately though still under the same roof.

Getting into a local university was by far your biggest accomplishment. It’s like an escape pod coming in the form of an email. Saying you’re accepted, and you were over the moon. Partly because you can escape her, she’s on the other hand, was disappointed. She hoped you could secure a spot in some prestigious university overseas. Oh she makes it so clear when you told her the news.

“Imagine me waking up one morning, after all I’ve done for you, for years, just to see you become nothing but ordinary.” Her words traveled from your ears to every system of your body like a venom. You resented her so much because to you, she can never be proud of you. 

Just to boil her blood more you chose to be a veterinarian instead of a doctor. That was the last straw. Both of you just fell apart after that.

So when you got a call from the hospital a week ago, nothing really went through your head. Did you regret all of the burnt time you spent away from each other? Could you possibly do more to mend the broken bond?

A soft knock on the wooden table brought you back. Your colleague, Jungkook is peeking to see you, making sure you’re okay. He’s the only friend that accompanies you. 

“Someone’s looking for you,” he said. Walking closer to you. Grabbing the glass from your hand. “Said he knew your mother.”

You give him a raised brows. Asking for more information but he just pointed to a man standing in the hallway in between the kitchen and the living room. You follow his finger, moving to the said man.

With his back facing you, all you can see is a man, possibly your age, wearing a black suit, like every male in this house, but his hand is holding a paper bag.

“Hi, you’re looking for me?” You asked.

He turns around with a smile on his face. His fluffy perm hair covering his forehead, standing taller than you. “Yes, I need to give you something,” he said with a deep voice. Handing the paper bag to you. 

You take a peek as you accept it from his hand. “Books?” You sound surprised. 

Putting his hands inside the pocket of his slacks, he nods. “They’re journals, by your mom.” Now you look even more surprised. Who is this man and why are her journals with him?

“Before you ask, your mom passed them to me but I know she would want you to have them,” he smiles the kind of smile you gave politely. Like a brief smile exchanged among strangers.

“Why do you have her journals? Are you her colleague umm,” 

“I’m Taehyung. Yea, she used to come to my bookstore,” he cuts you the moment you want to address him.

“Taehyung,” you repeated. “I’m terribly sorry if I don’t recognize you or anything.” You offer him an apology. 

“It’s fine, we never met so don’t feel bad,” Taehyung chuckles softly, reassuring you.

“Honestly I know no one in this house except my colleague who I just dragged along.” You feel a bit at ease from his chuckles. 

“The guy I talked to just now? He’s your colleague?” A look of relief flashes on his face before you realize it. Taehyung admits that he thought Jungkook was your someone special.

“That kid was on day off today so he’s the one that was unfortunate enough to be here,” you scoffed, because he offered to come along. Remembering how you wanted to come all by yourself but he insisted on taking him with you. “No one should grieve alone,” he said. A kid with a big heart. Ever since he became an intern at your veterinary clinic, Jungkook has been a good friend to you. 

“It’s nice to see someone my age here, because I can’t even relate to what these people are talking about. Especially when they’re talking about my mom.” You laugh awkwardly. Silently pinching yourself. Get it together.

“I get it,” he chuckles, eyes still locking on yours. You are a bit flustered at the way he seems to always initiate eye contact since the moment you talked. You take this chance to look at him properly. His eyes are so dreamy, the way their eyelids are both respectively different. The little mark on his nose. Cute. 

Unbeknownst to you that the man is getting lost in you as much as you are to him. 

“I assume you’re moving back into this house?” He beams at you. Though Taehyung doesn’t want to disrespect your mother’s memorial but he can’t tear his eyes from you. You were completely different from your mom. In your knee length black dress, a simple hairdo and a little soft makeup on your face. You are beautiful. Your mom did tell him that once. Seeing you not responding to his question, he calls you.

“What? Yea. Looks like it, she put my name in her will,” clearing your throat, hoping that the staring wasn’t obvious.

“If you need anything you can drop by my bookstore. Or if you just wanna talk with someone your age,” he offers as he bends a little to whisper to you the latter.

That night you went to bed reading your mom’s journals. She loves writing, be it as a career or just filling her free time. You often found her scribbling inside books but you never actually requested to read them. It must be frustrating to your mom because her passion for books, reading and writing didn’t pass down to you. It’s true when people say, passion cannot be inherited.

You assumed these journals are the latest one before she passed away, seeing from how the leather aren’t completely worn out, and the pages are still white instead of the old murky coloured paper you used to see. Another thing you noticed is the word ‘vante’ keeps popping up in between her lines. But the name is only mentioned like a reminder such as “tell vante to read my review before he sends them,” or “reminds vante to pick up my medicine,” and your heart dropped at that one. She’s been sick? And who is Vante? Her friend? 

You fell asleep with her journals next to the bed. Making yourself a mental note to ask Taehyung if you met him again.

The next time you met Taehyung was when you were walking home from buying groceries at the mart. It was late evening when you just arrived in town after finishing up your shift at the clinic. Opting to just take a walk to and back from the mart since it wasn’t far from the house and that’s when you met him. He was with a plus one. Apparently, a fluffy one at that. 

Seeing him carrying a little dog in his arms surely makes your heart swoon. As a vet your first instinct is to coo at the animal, but as a woman, Taehyung definitely is mesmerizing under the lit lamp post. The sun has set and the dark slowly blanketing the sky. And then there’s Taehyung with the cutest dog, fast walking towards you.

“Hey,” he beams at you. This is the second time you met him but his eyes always look at you like you’re special. His broad shoulders look so sturdy and reliable. And his long legs. He is the perfect image of a manga character. And the soft wind isn’t helping at all, the way it brushes his hair making it look way fluffier than the first time you saw him. Almost dropping your grocery bag, you tighten the holds with your fingers. Knuckles are turning white. 

This won’t do, the more you stare at him the more dangerous he is gonna be. he’s coming closer and closer, the difference in size and heights between you two is making you think of wild thoughts. How he can swallow your whole body by just holding you or maybe he is going to look more intimidating if he hovers above you. Oh no! Here he comes!

Shaking your head, instantly scolding yourself to not fall too soon with this man. After all, he is still a stranger. Take him to dinner first, ____. Damnit! These thoughts are making your head spinning so you choose to ignore him and good thing he brought a dog. 

“Oh hello, who is this little one,” you winced at your own high pitched voice. Your free hand jumps at the furry friend on his arms. Oh no his arms. How dare he wear a sweater but pull the sleeve up to his elbows? The veins are distracting you. Goodness gracious, how long has it been since you got laid?! You just met this man!

“My dog. No hello for me?” Taehyung pouts. Purposely ignoring his whine, you just smirk at the dog. “____,” he calls for your attention but still left unnoticed by you. So he pulls his dog to the side of his body, right below his armpit making you gasp at the sudden move. Looking straight at him to see what’s with the action.

“Now you wanna look at me,” he teases with a smirk on his face. Giving you his one million dollar grin with the dog yelping from being squished under his arm. “Sorry Yeontan, I had to steal the attention. It’s not fair you’re getting everything.” He laughs before he brings Yeontan back to his original position. Right in between his chest and his stomach. 

You laugh at that. “Of course, hello Taehyung,” you straighten your back while giving him a fake glare. He offers the hand that’s not supporting Yeontan’s weight to your grocery bag. You look at him questioningly before you assume he wanted to carry your bag. “It’s okay, I can manage,” you’re blushing as you reacted to his action. It’s a common gentlemen’s move and you are a strong believer of men should be attentive and polite but you rarely get treated like this even if it’s from a stranger. 

“Come on, give it to me. I know you are very capable of carrying your own groceries but I’m guessing you wanna keep petting Yeontan,” he wiggles his eyebrows at his proposition. He’s not wrong and that is such a smooth move. Your stomach is doing a backflip. And you really hope the blushing on your face isn’t as prominent as the warmth you’re feeling from the inside. Taehyung, you better stop messing with me.

Wrong. Taehyung can see the way your eyes darted sideways, shyly. And the way your lips turned slightly upwards like you’re controlling yourself so hard to not smile. He was so enraptured by your little reactions, he’s feeling giddy. Handing you his dog he instantly takes the grocery bag out of your grasp before you can say anything. 

He gesture for you to lead the way while muttering, “after the lady.” A charmer, you noted in your head. The dog snuggles closer under your breast as he finds the perfect warm spot. 

“You’re crazy comfortable there, Tannie,” Taehyung scowled at his dog after he glanced over to see you. His eyes darted to your hand that kept ruffling his fur and the adoration in your eyes. The touch of the animal lover, he thought. Your mom told him that you studied as a veterinar. How she opposed your choice of study, but Taehyung thinks she will be proud seeing you now. Hell, Taehyung met you twice and he already is by the way he judges you playing with Yeontan.

Call it biased or whatever because it’s his dog but you really really looked lovely while holding his dog securely in your arms. From the way your flowing hair dances softly, the giggle you let out every time Yeontan licks your fingers. By the way, that brat always bite his fingers and seeing that tiny fireball is all snuggly and mushy with you makes his heart leap even more. And the tiny voices you make as you inspect Yeontan’s fur, the back of his ears, and check the nose. A real vet. 

“Your little buddy is very clean and healthy. I’m impressed. Your human is very good at taking care of you, isn’t he?” You bring Yeontan closer to your face as you wiggle it gently. Bumping your nose to his paws. Now if you could just turn around and look at Taehyung because he is feeling a little jealous of his dog. Clamping his mouth shut, refusing to react to you. Taehyung swears he is not like this but god, he is sulking.

“Taehyung, did you always bring him to check up? He got clean teeth too. Aww yes you do,” you keep on talking back and forth normally to Taehyung and the tiny voice for Yeontan. This time you make a kissy noise while booping the dog’s nose. You can’t help it. This Pomeranian has officially stolen your heart. The perks of being a vet is you get to play with animals, and the cons is you naturally will play too much with them. 

“Taehyung?” You glance to look at the person that is somehow turned quiet. Making sure you’re not stealing someone’s dog as well if he suddenly bolts with your groceries. You flinched a little when your eyes locked on his, he has been staring at you for how long, you have no idea. The smile on his face makes your cheeks blush. He doesn’t have to look at you like that. But those deep yet so mesmerizing eyes. You breath hitched.

“You have a habit of ignoring people every time you meet an animal, dear ____? I was so sure you wouldn’t notice it if I ran the other way.” He let out a rumble chuckle, tongue poking out teasingly wetting his lower lip, showing that he isn’t actually offended. 

You smirks, hiding the growing smile, “and leave me with Yeontan? Why not?” You giggle at his frowning face. “He’s a good boy, I know he’s a good boy, yes you are!” Raising up the front paw to torment Taehyung even further and pairing it up with a scrunching face and pouting lips. Just to mock Taehyung’s face. He only shakes his head and chuckles.

At this point Yeontan must be restless by moving too much after he had a good run with Taehyung before they bumped into you. But by the way he barks excitedly makes everyone think he is enjoying the cuddle way too much. And Taehyung is biting his inner cheek, no extra snack for you Tannie.

You: thank you for walking me home :) (20:28pm)

A breathy sigh left Taehyung’s mouth as he rereads the text you sent him a few minutes ago. After he walked you home, the both of you exchanged numbers. “I know Yeontan will demand to see you more after today, so can I have your number?” Taehyung cringed as he remembered the exact words he said before he bashfully asked for your number. He thanked the universe because you pulled your phone for him to put down his number instead of teasing him. 

And now here he is in his writing room, smiling like a teenage boy on his phone. Another chime indicating a new text from surprised him. He soon realized that he hadn’t replied to you yet because he was so busy swooning. But after reading the text he let out a frustrated scream. “Kim Yeontan!”

You: boop Yeontan’s nose for me, pleaseee~ (20:40pm)

On the other side or house, you were biting your nails. Did you sound too eager by double texting? Is that even his real number? Oh god, he hates you. He must be the kind of person who doesn’t like it when people play too much with their pets. You had one client that glared deathly every time you or Jungkook or other staff petted their pets. Muttering something about ruining the smell or something. 

Taehyung couldn’t be those kind of people, he looks nice. You stand nervously as there’s still no reply from him. “Since when did I become like this?” you grunted before shuffling to the bathroom. You want to wash away the shame. As you were frowning and your lips were abused by your teeth, a vibrate shakes you back from the many thoughts in your head.

Taehyung: you either like Yeontan so much or you just want to tease me, sweetheart. (20:42pm)

Taehyung: I’m a good boy too ;) (20:43pm)

Sweetheart? Good boy? Sweetheart?? Good boy?? SWEETHEART AND GOOD BOY?! That’s it, your whole body is flushing. The towel covering your body surely is dramatically dropped to the floor. “I am doomed,” you whisper to yourself as you stare at your naked reflection in the mirror. He jabbed at the soft spot in you and you were becoming a puddle.

You cursed yourself after your eyes landed on the journals by the bed, because you forgot to ask Taehyung some things. Before you went to bed, it has become a routine for you to read your mom’s journals like they’re bedtime stories. This time you’re reading scribbles of her unfinished poems or maybe she just intended them to be that way. It is weird, because it’s like talking a walk inside your mom’s thoughts, since you never get to understand her. Now, it feels painfully different. Reading how she coped with living all by herself and you were brought back to the night she tore your heart into pieces.

“You were never meant to be born as much as I am never meant to be your mother,” her words seethe through her teeth after you constantly talked back at her because she was furious about your choices for your own life. What started as usual word fight it sure turns ugly. She started pouring out all of her pent frustration and you knew it, how much she resented you. 

With teary eyes, you too were a stubborn child. Not backing and not letting her words eat you alive. “Well, great women doesn’t mean they’ll be great mothers anyway. Well done!” you clapped your hands mockingly. Tomorrow is your registration day for your college. It was like a calling for you to step out of the house and never look back. She’s the one that gives you the reason to.

“You’re so much like your dad. Blame nothing but me when he’s the one who took my dreams and left me with-” she clenched her mouth. Not wanting to say another word when you know exactly what her next word is.

“Me? If you hate that man so much then why keep me? You know what, you don’t need to answer that. Nothing good comes out of your mouth. I’m going tonight,” you let the tears fall as you dragged your half full luggage into the car. You haven’t even finished packing yet but you can’t take it anymore. She doesn’t want you and she makes it so clear about that.

Your hand was cold against the door knob, without turning to face your mom who was standing with her crossed arms by the stairs, you chuckled deeply. “Maybe my dad isn’t wrong for blaming anything on you, because I know I am now.” and you never looked back.

Never look back at how she was wailing under the staircase, slapping her own chest for letting you go so easily. 

“Jungkook, can I ask you something,” you sigh as you just came back from the drug room. After a half day of stacking up the drugs and medicine for the animals, you feel boneless. It has been another long day for everyone in the clinic. And Jungkook is exceptionally sleepy today. He’s been dozing off after he’s done with five cats that come for neuters and spays. Claiming he hadn’t slept well because his roommate had a wild night with their partner.

“No, you can’t. Let me sleep for 5 minutes.” he groans. Face palming into the table in front of the computer. He was supposed to key in the data but apparently he can’t do anything with eyes closed so you allowed him to rest for a bit. Smacking his dry lips, with eyes still shut tight he turns to the source of your voice. “What is it?” He groans annoyingly again. 

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” You hesitantly asked him. Voice low enough for only the both of you. 

“What kind of nonsense is that? Does it still exist?” He grumbles, one eye open but his cheek is still squished on the table making his lips look funny. You glare at him asking him to answer properly. “I don’t know man, I have yet to feel that way. Wait,” he rose up, sliding closer to you with his roller chair. “My cousin married his first love, does that count?” He blinks at you.

“Well if his first love was his love at first sight, then yea,” You shrugs, since you yourself have no idea what you just talked about. It’s confusing. This thing called love is very confusing. 

He furrowed his brows, thinking so deeply. “Hum I’ll ask him some day. Why though?” he pushed his arms outward as a stretch. Intertwining his fingers while he yawns so widely. You rolled your eyes at his behaviour. “Well, I met this guy, no one that you know,” you widen your eyes to him. He smirks, “sure,”

“I only met him like twice or whatever but he, I don’t know very sweet I guess? Like I can’t possibly know if he’s a sweet guy or nah because we only like talking twice and a couple of texts but you know,” you laugh nervously. His only reply was, squinting his eyes, fingers tapping on the table, loudly, and his tongue is poking his cheek. Until he lets out a cackle. 

“Did you really just ramble like that? You only ramble when you’re nervous. This guy makes you nervous huh?” He laughed. Rolling your eyes backward you should know it’s a bad idea talking to Jungkook because he is a major ‘bully’.

“Forget I tell you anything, and wake. The. Fuck. Up!” You scolded him. Poking his body with the pen you’ve been holding in your hand.

“Ow! I bruised easily!” He grabs the pen. “Sweetheart, you probably like him. Just ask him on a date or whatever and see from there,” he groans, rubbing the spot you poked him.

“See, you called me sweetheart and i feel nothing but annoyance,” You mumble under your breath but it didn’t go unnoticed by him. 

“Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart.” He’s mocking you. Sliding away from him with your chair while screaming “Not your fucking sweetheart!” 

After you flipped him the middle finger. A vibrate from your phone can be felt from the pocket of your uniform.

Taehyung: need a vet (16:09 pm)

Taehyung: *image attached* (16:09 pm) 

Taehyung: good boy Tannie is being difficult today (16:11pm)

You cackle as you walk past Jungkook with your head stuck to the phone. Jungkook just scoffed before putting back his head on his arms.

“Vante reminds me of my daughter, both are stubborn. Vante said it is good to talk about her, but it just makes me missed her even more,”

That’s the line you’re reading over and over again tonight. This is the second journal you’re reading and she just mentioned you. She didn’t hint anything about you from the first journal you read and honestly you were lowkey anticipating if she somehow thinks about you. But the hope died after the first book. Now seeing your name, it baffles you. 

Not realizing you’ve been holding your breath your eyes darted to the next page when she wrote more about you.

“I told Vante that _____ tends to talk in her sleep, I wonder if she still has the same habit,” you exhale shakily because she still remembers your little quirks. You never thought she would pay much attention to you. Like this simple line where she wrote “milk is bad for her stomach, but she loves it. I never bought milk ever since she left,” is making you feel so overwhelmed. Because the woman that you remember would throw away your milk even before you had them with your cereal. Always scolding you if you put them in the shopping cart. You have no idea that that dairy could mean something to her. It’s just milk.

You were tossing and turning on your bed with heavy lids. You were so sleepy but after reading her journals you started to question so many things. Was she actually caring about you? Then why did she never show anything? And it keeps hammering your head resulting in you having trouble sleeping.

This is getting ridiculous. All you wanted was a shut eye but here you are scrambling to open the box that you haven’t unpack yet, because it contains things that you definitely don’t think you immediately need. So, you’re pulling out a vibrator staring at with an unbelievable eyes. You cannot even fathom what is it that makes you feel like you need this. Maybe an orgasm or two can tire you enough to sleep. 

The buzzing sound has been bouncing the walls for half an hour but you still haven’t reached the bliss you dreamed of. Groaning frustrated your hazy sleepy mind unconsciously wanders to him. You taught by playing with your battery inserted friend will make you not think about a certain guy who has a dog, a dangerously beautiful smile and dreamy eyes but you’re wrong. 

You’re squirming on the bed as you’re thinking how his veiny hands would look like if the fingers move in and out of your cunt to the point of when he wraps them on your thighs as he flicks his tongue to catch every drop of your cum. “You like how I lapped like that, sweetheart?” Humming wantonly as you throw the vibrator away. You teasingly move your finger up and down the lips, coating them with the wetness. Biting your lips you’re imagining his deep voice muffled from being in between your thighs. “Ah, Tae-,” You whine as you plunge two fingers into your cunt. Body arch slowly in sync with the movement from your fingers. The free hand is gripping the inner thigh, thinking about his strong hands gripping them until there’s a mark. You dragged your fingers slowly, edging yourself until you let out a sob.

“Good girl, getting off my fingers like this,” the pace intensified as you’re no longer playing but just wanted to orgasm. “Yes! Yesss!” you grunted, rubbing your thumb on the clit and it elicited another moan from you. Fingers feel so short and tiny as they keep moving in and out at a faster pace. Breathing heavily with a frowning face, you imagine him with his long fingers that can easily reach your sweet spot. This is so wrong, you thought. Thinking about a man you don’t know. But your body is creaming for a release, the free hand is now scrambling for the vibrator. “More, more,” you chanted to yourself. “Ride my fingers, babe.” You imagine him sucking your clit as you put the vibrator directly on the budding nerve. “Fuck!” you scream into the pillow, chest heaving up and down at the crashing feeling inside you. The knot in your lower belly just snapped and your cunt tighten at your digits, gushing out with cum. You were panting raggedly and it dawned upon you that you just got off to a man you barely know. Tossing the used vibrator, you sigh with a hooded heavy eyes. Wiping the sticky fingers on your shirt.

Now, you feel so weird and disgusted with yourself. 

“Tomorrow, I’ll ask him out tomorrow.” You whisper tiredly to yourself before you sleep like a log for the next hours. 

Taehyung was dusting bookshelf before he caught your figure pacing back and forth near his bookstore. You were wearing a long trench coat, which brings chuckles from him because you look engulfed in it. Fashionably tiny. You looked like you’re mulling over something by the way your brows are painfully drawn together. 

He gets out of his store and he calls you, hands on his hip. You were taken aback by the call before you slowly walked towards him. Head down as you were thinking this is a bad idea. But he is not having any of it before he peeks under your face as he slouches. His signature move every time he met you because of the height difference. “What is it?” he interrogates. 

Fingers on your chin, he points them upward to look at him straight in the eyes. “What is it ____? Do you need something?” He asked softly.

“Are you free after you’re done with whatever you’re doing right now? Like, I’m totally not asking you on a date or whatever because we just met haha but I’m just really hungry and I hate eating alone if I’m eating outside. I usually eat pre cook food, unheard  stuff but I’m not feeling like you now, eating my food tonight so I guess I heard they said that Italian down the road is pretty cool so-” you breath hitched as you words were cut off by him putting his big hands on the both sides of your cheeks. Squishing them until your lips form a pout.

“Easy there, tiger.” He laughed. Eyes widened at your sudden attack with your rambling words. He can manage to catch ‘asking you on a date’ and his mind went haywire. Other words after that just went past his ears because you asked him on a date?! Taehyung is bursting internally because you just beat him by asking him out first. 

“I’m closing after I’m done with cleaning. Hope you don’t mind waiting?” He tilted his head to the side and it was impossible for you to walk away now even if you’re very sure your shame meter is over the roof now. He helps with your coat as he ushered you inside his bookstore.

It was a very cute vintage bookstore. Very pinterest-ish. Can’t he get any perfect? You sigh to yourself. The wooden table that could probably be the main desk for any business transaction, and your eyes are looking gleefully at the house plants that he has hanging from beautifully in their pots. The smell of books and vanilla rushing in your nose. Making you smile unknowingly. His bookstore is completely different from your minimalist clinic. With only white walls and posters of animals. Maybe you need to redecorate your clinic to make it as lively as Taehyung’s bookstore. Because you feel so cozy from the moment you step into it. It’s like a welcoming warmth filling the space. With books arranged on the shelf, and there’s a little area, perhaps a reading area where there coffee maker and snacks. 

Taehyung almost dropped the books he was supposed to stack them as his eyes trained on you. You look so mesmerized with his little bookstore and Taehyun feels elated by that. The way your eyes glimmer perfectly under the soft orange light. He himself wasn’t sure what is it about you, but you’ve been on his mind lately. And it’s like he already knows you. He has been thinking was it because your mom used to talk about you? Or perhaps he was just simply a man attracted to you.

“We’re good to go,” Taehyung chimed up from behind you. You slapped close the Animal Farm book you’ve been skimming while he’s finishing his work. You were so lost in this tiny maze of books and it surprised you. You were never a fan of books. Not even your mom is an author and you were practically growing up around books. Back then books suffocate you. In Taehyung’s bookstore you feel calm and soft. 

“I see you’ve been reading. Forgive me if I interrupt you,” Taehyung grins with his clasped hands behind his back. An amused glint in his eyes. “I just went over the first page and the last page. I’m not reading.” You confessed, placing back the book mindlessly on the shelves, earning a clicking sound from Taehyung. 

“The books are all organized in alphabetical order, this one starts with an A,” he chuckles while his eyes looking upwards, giving you a hint of where the books started with A are supposed to be at. It was at the top shelf. He can just put it back for you without even actually stretching his long arm but where’s the fun in that when he knew you would have to tiptoe to place the book back. Taehyung provides stool for people to reach up for books but this time he kicks the stool far behind him.

“Really?” you’re rolling your eyes at him, shoving him the book but his hands are still clasping tight behind his back. He’s giving you an ignorant look, the look that say “I have no idea what do you want me to do,”

You groan, “but I found this book here,” you pointed. A frown forming on your face, with knitted brows. But Taehyung won’t budge, “ah maybe the person before is bad because they don’t know the universal rule of placing the books alphabetically. But, you’re a good girl, you can help me.” He let out a teasing chuckle. He keeps on pushing just to gauge a reaction from you. 

Your cheeks are burning and today was supposed to be windy hence why you’re wearing your coat but why is it so hot now? One hand on your hip and the other one steadying yourself by leaning on the shelf. You could fall down by the way he called you a good girl, once again. An unnecessary staring contest begins between the two of you, to see who will break first. But Taehyung is cheating by poking his tongue out, humming innocently. Swaying you. 

“Fine!” You grunted. Bracing yourself with both hands on the shelf, your toes are bent almost like a ballerina, huffing with struggle to put the book back. Taehyung is readying his hands on the side of your waist but he isn’t actually touching. You didn’t notice the ghosting feeling of his hand around your waist. He will catch you if you stumble so, he’s just standing there with a large grin on his face. Eyes closed as he giggles softly at your effort. Cute.

“Done!” You exhale a loud sigh as if you’ve been holding your breath. Well you were for a moment. And you heard his, good girl. Suddenly you lost your footing, stumbling backward because you unexpectedly pushed yourself from the book shelves. With wide eyes, and no longer giggling, Taehyung caught you by holding your waist, pulling you flushed to his chest. You gasp at the sudden explosive feeling from his touch and he still doesn’t let go. Even when your feet are both securely on the ground. 

“I’m sorry. Are you hurt? You didn’t twist your ankle, right?” His concerned voice is too close to your ear and makes you blush even darker. “I’m fine, Taehyung,” you chuckle. Hands slowly rubbing on his hands that are still on your waist. Your mind at this moment is blazing red with alarm noise, but your body just reacted the other way. This gesture is way too intimate for just strangers. And you’re slowly freaking out. 

Taehyung can feel your breath is a bit jagged, and realizing too late that his hands are still securely around your waist. With his chest pillowing your back and the closeness is dangerous, especially on the middle part of his body. He jerks back his hand to his side and gives you a space big enough for you to collect yourself back. Your hands awkwardly fix your hair though it wasn’t even touched. Except for the warmth breath from Taehyung. Shaking your head and that action wasn’t unnoticed by Taehyung who was clearing his throat. Suddenly it felt so dry. 

“So,” 

“Italian,” 

Both of you stop abruptly after hearing each other’s talks at the same time. “You first,” Taehyung laughed with you. “I was saying, shall we go to the Italian now?” You shyly rub the back of your neck. Instantly feels like you wanna run and hide in your blanket. Hiding from Taehyung because of shyness.

“I think the same too,” he beams at you. He helps you with the coat before he locks the bookstore. Just then you realize the emblem on the mirror of his bookstore, a cursive of the letter V. You just shrug without giving it much thought. Could be his favorite letter. 

You thought everything might have turned awkward since the little accident back in the bookstore but surprisingly, dinner went smoothly. You also thought there’s isn’t much to talk about but Taehyung is actually a very chatty guy.  You and Taehyung went through various topics from talking about Disney movies to the RuPaul’s Drag race because apparently you two are a fan of that show. With a little bicker and banter being thrown at each other. 

“I can’t believe you don’t think Miss Vanjie is iconic.” You gasp as you’re twisting your pasta with the fork. Taehyung almost choked on his lasagna because you’ve been impersonating the meme word Miss Vanjie more than three times. Loud enough to receive a glare from the waitress. 

“In my defense, she didn’t actually improve a lot in the latest season,” Taehyung argued back. You only scowl at him and refuse to agree with him, purposely ignoring him stating his fact. Taehyung only laughs at your behaviour before he torments you by taking your shrimp from the pasta.

“Taehyung,” you whine.

Arriving home not long after that and you honestly think that was the best night out you ever had with someone. You rarely spend a night out let alone with a guy. Usually back in college you had your girlfriends. Bless them, they have their own husbands and kids to tend to. Leaving you, the single one out of the bunch. It was just one night but it feels like you knew each other for a long time. You’re really skeptical about love at first sight because how can people just decide that? So, now when it’s happening to you, you started to freak out a little. You even getting off by just imagining him, for fuck’s sake. 

Opening up the journal and it was as if the universe knew that you wanted to talk to someone. Your eyes immediately fall upon her words. “I regret not teaching ____ properly about love, and I hate it when I think about the times when she might need someone to talk to, and I couldn’t be there.” You shut the journal with a flare escaping your nose. Not wanting to read any further as it will bother your night, again.

Honestly, you’re feeling you’re in a maze right now. For years she never showed you any sign that could indicate mothering. Ever since you left, you thought everything with her was done. But now as you keep getting deep into her thoughts with the journals, you feel lost. Another resentment part of you thinking she’s making you as the enemy here. Playing a victim, acting like you’re the one who is bad. But there’s another part of you, that feels a certain tug at your heart strings with every delicate word she wrote.

Feeling confused, you crossed your arms on your chest, eyes still staring holes to the journals that laid on the bedside table. You noticed that only two books left. At first you don’t really care about the amount of the books. There’s five of them.

The first one was jumbled up scribbled words, unfinished works and some to do list. The second book was when she started to talk about your little quirks with drawings and words. If you didn’t know any better, you guess she missed you. This third book started to feel deeper than the two. And you were slightly terrified to read the rest of them. Afraid of knowing things that will make you regret.

Letting a loud sigh, your hands are itchy to flip onto the next page, though you know your mind could be unprepared yet for what to come.

“she’s everything but ordinary,”

You let out a frustrated groan as you tossed the book away. A loud thud echoed in the room as the book landed on a hard surface. She’s been telling you the opposite of everything she wrote for as long as you can remember and you hated it. You hated it because you can’t confront her anymore, you can’t ask her, let alone see her. Why? Why did she treat you like you’re less and then write about you like you’re her sun? 

You were so high on emotion you didn’t realize Taehyung sent you a few texts. Only noticing before you unplug your phone from the charger.

Taehyung: thanks for tonight (23:06)

Taehyung: I want to bring you to some place next weekend, make yourself free. Please. (23:10)

Taehyung: you must be sleeping, goodnight sweetheart. See you next weekend. (00:05)

Despite a storm in your heart, you sleep with a soft smile, thinking about the stranger you’re growing comfortable with.

Taehyung thinks going to a fresh market together is fun. It was partially because he noticed you’ve been eating processed food, frozen and pre-cooked food, microwave food and lots of sweets. He knows from the day he helped carrying your groceries. He didn’t mean to be rude by peeking into it but you kind of confessed to him about your eating habits. Unconsciously, you always said waiting for my food in the microwave, or I ate chocolate bars for lunch in your texts. He was concerned, he loved cooking and eating fresh produce, and he knows you’re busy. Thus, he makes it his mission to bring you along to the market today.

He said buying produce at the fresh market on a sunny morning is fun. He even checked the weather forecast. Turns out the day he picks is trying to be bitchy with him. It has been raining since early morning when the sun hasn’t risen yet. But his determination of preparing a memorable day out with you makes you bite back the tease. “It was supposed to be sunny, I swear the weather is playing with me,” he pouted.

So he prepared a pair of cute boots for you before he arrived. Yellow, bright and loud. He picks you at your home this time.

Since the rain started to become drizzles, he was so sure it will be sunny again. Poor Taehyung, he was nervous. Taehyung is slightly amazed by you. You did it so effortlessly, or you were just so smart at hiding your nervousness. He thought to himself. The drive to the local fresh market took about half an hour and along the road Taehyung excitedly told you about what is it that he likes about the market. It was in another town and according to Taehyung not many people know about the place. Only the locals. 

“There’s a cute open air cafe where tables are on the pavements. It’s like a little street of Paris,” he beams so wonderfully bright in the car, beating the gloomy sky. For a moment you were mad at nature but Taehyung’s spirit can never be broken.

“It’s been awhile since I visited the market, I was pretty busy with my work.” Taehyung said. “But now it feels so great to go there with you.” His main purpose of bringing you here was to buy products that he can whip out for lunch later. A lunch that he already been thinking about with you in it. He blushes thinking how domestic does that scene is playing in his head. 

Since he’s the tall one, he holds the umbrella. There’s a gap in between you and him, so the umbrella couldn’t protect you. Taehyung winced as he noticed your shoulder is damp. Leaning closer to you, he grabs your wrist and puts it on his forearm that’s been holding the umbrella. Making your hips literally are attached together.

You were taken aback by his action and blushing furiously. But he was busy picking up the carrots with his free hand. Taehyung was biting his lower lips as he pretended to avoid your gaze. He too, is blushing. His hands were full but he didn’t say a word. Carrying his grocery bag and holding you, yet he looks so content.

The part of fun was supposed to be when he planned a brunch at the cafe he’s been talking about in the car. Since it was raining the cafe was closed. But as you said Taehyung’s spirit is unbreakable. He instantly executes a plan B, softly humming while your arms are still linking, he brings you to a tea house.

“Not the kind of date we pictured huh?” His hands are rubbing together after he took off his coat. He huffed into his palms making the warm and like a practiced couple, or people that’s been together for a long time, he naturally engulfed his big hands on yours. “Your fingers are cold,” he winced.

You let out a soft gasp that went unnoticed by him, and you just chuckle. At the question and at his gesture. This feels so casual. Like you both know each other for years. “A date?” You smirk.

“Well if you didn’t get it yet, then, yes sweetheart it’s a date,” Taehyung smiles as he leans his face closer to you. “I’m terribly sorry about the weather.” 

It feels like your breath was stuck at your throat the moment he said this was indeed a date. “I don’t remember you asked me on a date,” you scoff. “All you did was ‘let’s go somewhere with me this weekend’,” you imitate his voice comically earning a fake gasp from him. 

“I did not sound like that. By the way I thought you were the one who initiated the date first. Italian? Remember?” He raised his brow. He knew you didn’t explicitly say it was a date but he was having so much fun poking you for reactions. Like right now, how you scrunch your nose and try to retract your hands from his hold - which failed by the way- to cover up your face.

“Taehyung,” you whine, like the one you did back in Italian when he stole your shrimp. Kim Taehyung is smitten. He is sure now. 

“Good, you didn’t deny it. That was a date and this one is a date too,” he rubs his thumbs on the back of your hands. “Unless, you’re not comfortable with the idea,” Taehyung said so softly. No playful glint in his eyes. 

You smile adoringly to him. He was so nervous about what, when you want this too? “I’d loved to think those as dates, thank you very much,” you tilted your head sideways. Now, it’s your thumb that is tracing patterns on his skin.

“Perfect, first, let’s warm our body with hot tea. We’re having lunch at my house later.” He grins. 

“Your house? I thought we’re about to have lunch,” furrowing your brows at him. A sight that is so endearing to him. He noticed that you always tend to raise an eyebrow when you’re confused. Most people do but yours is just too quirky and cute for him.  

“Nonsense. Of course I’m not letting you eat here when I go all out to buy the freshest products for you,” he pretends to be shocked with a fake betrayed face. 

“Oh you sure did, the carrots, the potatoes. Tell me, are you trying to impress me?” You smirk. Pulling one hand free from his to tuck your hair behind your ear. The little pout on his face didn’t go unnoticed and for a second you thought it was because you’re teasing. But he just wanted to hold your hand by grabbing it back, clasping securely. You have no idea he is such an affectionate man.

“Are you impressed?” He chuckles. Looking very content now that he can warm your hands.

“Depends on what you’re planning to cook later,” you answered.

“But, sweetheart. We’re cooking together,” he’s giving you a fake confused look. As if you have already agreed on cooking with him.

“I am terrible at cooking,” you whispered to him before letting out a laugh at his expression.

“We’ll do it together then.” He winked. 

Your heart beats loud enough for you to understand that Kim Taehyung is about to be special to you. It does seem to be moving too quickly but he was so lovely and nice to you. And you are just very comfortable around him. You can’t pinpoint what it is that you’re feeling but you’re sure it was nice. Right?

His house is just like his bookstore. Cozy and warm. 

The moment you step into the huge wooden door you were pretty taken aback. How come a bookstore owner can own such a wonderful house. It wasn’t the biggest you’ve seen but it was certainly big for one person and a dog. It was bigger than your mom’s, that’s for sure. Since she always needed a spacious space for her writing creativity to flow easily. It was a one storey house with windows from the ceilings to the floor. Making the house so bright from the daylight but still design beautifully enough to make it not too blinding. His kitchen was very spacious. Guess Taehyung really likes cooking. He was briskly walking into his pantry where he got some of the dry ingredients there. Suddenly you felt a little out of place. 

Taehyung senses that you’re slowly feeling conscious, he offers to sit by the kitchen island, as he cleans up some of the fresh produce the two of you bought. 

“Can you help me cut these potatoes?” Taehyung calls for you. Bright smile adorning his face as he looks at you. Pushing softly a bowl of freshly washed potatoes with a cutting board and a knife. 

“How would you like it to be cut?” You asked.

“Anyway you want, I don’t mind.” He turns back, busy with the pots on the stove.

He was making chicken stew with rice for lunch. Your stomach was growling at the bubbling soup and you’ve been checking over his shoulder every minute you can. 

Taehyung was chuckling every time he felt your presence from behind him trying to sneak into the pot. Since you are way smaller than him, you have to crane your neck to peek. And it was too adorable for Taehyung.

“You can just come over here, you know,” Taehyung said.

“But you look so busy,” you mumbles. “I never learned how to cook, partially because my mom always screams at me even if I was trying to help her,” you laugh forcefully, trying to make light of such an awful memory. 

Taehyung tensed as he was grabbing a plate to serve you. “Maybe she was scared you could’ve hurt yourself,” he responded.

“Or maybe she just saw me as a nuisance.” You talked back without hesitation.

“_____, I-”

“Enough about her, I’m sorry I’m killing the mood. But seriously Taehyung, it smells so good!” You cut him before the two of you discussed your deceased mother. 

Taehyung just nods. He realized you don’t want to talk about it but he hopes you would open up to him. Maybe not now but soon because he is starting to really care about you. 

“Wait till you tasted it, sweetheart,” he grins at you. Giving you way to come closer to the stove. 

Jungkook is your best friend. 

He just sat there and listened to you ranting about your sexual frustration to dealing with your mom’s journals while giving no judgement. Sometimes he is a jackass but most of the time, like right now, he is an angel.

Sitting in the medicine room together he lets your head rest on his shoulder. A few moments ago was just filled with your sniffles and his cooing.

He noticed you have been brooding and moody lately. There’s time you’re cheerful but only when you’re busy with animals and when you’re left alone, he noticed the furrowed brows, the darkened look on your face. He follows you to the medicine room just wanting to talk. What surprised him was you were squatting against the wall, face covered behind your hands. You’re crying.

Jungkook knows he is crossing your personal space but he doesn’t have the heart to leave you alone. So he slowly pulls you into a hug. He rubs your back while encouraging you to let it all out.

Now that you have told everything, Jungkook just let out a sigh. “You know I knew something wasn’t right when you didn’t even cry during your mom’s funeral. But not in a bad way,” he said.

“And that day was like…any other day to you because you came back to work the very next day,” he hesitantly continued. 

Wiping your nose with his handkerchief, “what are you trying to say, Kook,” your voice sounds hoarse and it makes him wince. 

“My point is, you didn’t grieve properly, and now you’re feeling it.” Jungkook ruffles your head. “It’s messing with your head, your body, your emotions and…to your woman’s part,” he blushed at the latter.

You punch on his shoulder, flinching away to glare at him. You just told him a certain someone is making you sexually frustrated and now you’re giving him a look for saying ‘woman’s part’. But Jungkook is sweet.

“I’m serious, it’s not my place to intervene. Whatever issues you had with your mom, or how you’re lusting over a ‘stranger’, I think it’s best if you sorted them out first.” He advised you.

“How can I do that when she’s no longer here,” you speak softly, feeling defeated. “I mean I can tell Taehyung,” 

“Like tell him you like him or tell him getting off to the thought of him?” Jungkook smirks.

“Little shit, it was one time!” You threw his handkerchief at his chest. “You think I’m a weird pervert?” You scowl before getting up, brushing your pants. “But thank you, Kook,” you smile. Offering your hand to him.

“There’s the smile,” He pulls your hand to get up. “Now let’s get lunch,”

“Oh I have packed lunch. Something from home, we can share. It’s plenty for me.” You offered him.

But the look on Jungkook’s face is showing that he is so shocked. “You?! Packed lunch?! What kind of food?” With wide eyes he asked.

“Salmons and rice,” you tapped your feet. A bit shy to admit the new side of you to Jungkook. It’s like back in high school. Where you suddenly have to wear glasses and it feels so weird to let people see you in a new image.

“Whoa, that’s like…real food?!” Jungkook half shouting half whispering.

“Shut up, you’re making it sound so bizarre for me to have my own food,” you roll your eyes.

“____, you never eat real food. I know you. You don’t cook. Who makes the food,” he folded his arms on his chest. Squinting his eyes at you as an act of interrogation.

“Umm, Taehyung?”

“Holy shit, he prep meals for you?!” Jungkook is shouting now. Laughing while shaking his head. 

“Thank god! Let’s get that salmon!” Jungkook raised both of his hands, landed them on your shoulders.

“What do you mean thank god? You just want a piece of my food, right?”

It’s already late, you can’t sleep and it’s all on your mom.

The last word, the really last words from the journal, on the last book you’ve read just now. It’s the one that keeps you awake. 

“My dearest baby girl. This is mama. It has been years since I heard that word, mama, of which I know I’m not worthy of. I am never good at expressing my emotions especially to my first love. Yes, you’re my first love but I screwed up so badly. 

Someone told me since I write, maybe I should try to express them in writings. So here we are, I hope after you read this journal we can have dinner together, or maybe we can just meet up. 

Since the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I won’t lie, I was devastated. Not because of you my baby, but because I know I am a terrible person. I’m afraid to bring you into my world. So I pretend I’m not pregnant. It’s silly. For nine months, I acted like I’m not carrying a growing person inside my belly. 

The day my water broke I was at a writer conference. That was the moment that it finally hit me. I’m having a baby! I was laughing and smiling, so excited to see my little baby. To hold you and smell you. It was an easy process, you came into the world so easily. 

The day you were born was the day I fell in love. So hard that it started to eat me. I am slowly neglecting you because I feel like I can’t be the mother you deserve. 

All I knew was how to keep competing to be the best. And that’s how I taught you. I wanted you to be the very best version but I was wrong. You should be whoever you wanna be. My ambition blinds me. I’m sorry ____.

You’re a fighter. I’m absolutely glad you learned to disobey me. Because from that, I know you’re growing strong. It’s not a good parenting method but we have no one in this world. I’m the shittiest option you have and I am sorry. 

I know you opened up your own vet clinic. I am so proud of you.

You are everything but ordinary,”

You feel like your breath is stuck in your throat and you’re fighting to swallow a scream. It was too much and it is so sad. Your mom was trying to make amends with you.

The way she hoped to have a nice dinner with you, and she couldn’t achieve that because she selfishly died too soon. You regret for being so stubborn, you should know that you’re mom is specially complicated with her feelings, so it should’ve been you who tried to reach out first. Now, you’re a stupid stupid girl. Staring blankly at your wall. 

You missed her, you missed her so much.

On the next page there’s only one unfinished line. It’s “Vante, tell ______ not to…”

It was just that. An unfinished sentence and the rest are just blank pages.

Now it’s making you pull your hair thinking what her last words could be. And this Vante again? Does this person know the answer? Questions banging on your head making you grow restless second by second. The only person you can think of right now is Taehyung. 

“Mom, what do you mean? Not to get married to someone like dad? Not to have kids that might end up like me? What are you trying to say?” Palming your face before you yanked your headband. Your eyes stare at your phone. This won’t do. You have so much in your head and you need someone.

Grabbing your car keys from the key bowl, you dashed out to your car at the porch. There’s only one place you can think of right now and you pray he is still awake.

Taehyung had a fair share in experiencing writer’s block and usually he will go to your mom for advice but he can’t anymore. He’s flipping through his journal until he finds a piece of paper. One that was written by your mom. 

He feels guilty for keeping you in the dark but that was what your mom wants. He reads the words over and over again.

“Show her love Vante, the kind that she deserves,”

He sighs. He enjoys knowing you, ever since that dinner at the Italian, the both of you have been occasionally hanging out together. From buying groceries together, taking a walk in the park with Yeontan because the dog craves your attention or maybe he’s just making up for that so he could see you again.

Taehyung understands the tension between you and your mom. He has been referring to your mom on some of his works. She wasn’t only a teacher or a mentor to Taehyung but also a friend. For him to be close to you was her wish, she used to voice out how she would love to introduce Taehyung to you but the time has never come. To the point Taehyung met you on her memorial. Instantly he feels a good chemistry with you. It was no longer fulfilling a wish of a dead woman, but following his heart. 

It was too soon to conclude but Taehyung enjoys your presence, so much. Casual dinner dates that follow up after that one night, is making Taehyung grow even restless. He is already at the age of finding someone and has a stable relationship. He is willing to give it a try with you. Taehyung guesses that he is entering the mature love phase where he no longer goes for a run and chases kind of thrill. The kind of love that just grows when two people are together. He wants that with you. But you must know who he is. His connection with your mom, her wishes. 

You did ask about your mom on one of the dinner dates but you were so quick to brush it off once you get the answer you needed. It puts Taehyung in a situation in which he’s looking for the right time to tell you everything. 

“Was my mom sick?” you suddenly asked as the both of you sat outside his bookstore. On the bench after a good dinner at the burger place. That night Taehyung satisfied your cravings for greasy and unhealthy food. He rarely eats fast food, oh the things he’d do for you.

Taehyung raised his eyebrows, both of his hands were inside of his coat. It was a chilling night. “Why do you ask?” He looked at you. Your eyes were staring into the void, or specifically the sky. You just shrug. “Yes, she’s sick. Common sickness that comes with the age factor, high blood pressure, cholesterol” he answered.

“I see, does she have any other friends that have been checking on her?” your expression was unreadable to Taehyung. Taehyung took time to answer that because does by friend you meant him? Did you finally read the journals? Taehyung knew she wrote everything in her journals. “Yea,” a short answer but he peeked to see your face. Anticipating a specific question, who is Vante? And he would’ve told you everything that night. That was his mistake. Because you shifted to a different topic. 

He stares at the brightness from his laptop. Words seem to not come tonight. 

Soft knocking on the door wakes him from his thoughts. Wondering who could be at this hour and he was pleasantly surprised to see you. You on the other side are anxious. With so many questions in your mind but all you can think right now is how comforting he looks. He was standing tall in his comfy shirt and wide pants. All you wanted now is to fall in his arms. Never have you ever felt so helpless and dependent on someone as much you did at this moment. 

You’ve been on your own for so long, but you yearn for him to comfort you. What is it about him?

“____-” Taehyung was taken aback before he could finish his sentence as your lips crashed on his. 

Internally, you start to regret your foolish action but not long because Taehyung kissed you back. Unlike you he is very gentle and it’s like he’s calming you down. Setting you on his pace. His hands fall to your waist, he slowly pulls you inside the house. You think you stepped on his feet because he chuckles as he pulls his face to stare at you. Not wanting to let the warmth go, you dragged him back by your hands on his neck.

“Tae, make me forget about something. Kay?” You breath in between ferocious kisses. He once again, slowingly dominates the kiss, taming your lips. His hands are squeezing your waist softly, in hopes he can slow you down. 

Taehyung has no idea what’s gotten into you. To say he is shocked is an understatement. But this is a wonderful surprise. He would be lying if he wasn’t attracted to you. He can sense that you’re upset and you’re looking for an outlet to let out the frustration. He realized that. And he is trying to bring you back because you’re so hazy in your mind. He’s afraid you might regret this once it’s done. He would be utterly devastated. Because he wants you, he wants it in the right way.

“Sweetheart,” Taehyung cups your face with his hands. “Look at me. Hey, baby” Taehyung shushed as you started to whimper at the loss of his lips. With scrunched brows and pouty lips. For a second, Taehyung would’ve just let you have it in your way but no. He has to make sure you’re okay first. “What is it, huh?” He whispers to you. 

“Tae, please,” you sobs, it’s no longer because you’re so horny or sexually frustrated. You are just simply sad. Fat tears started rolling down your cheeks, you can’t even open your eyes because you’re so ashamed of yourself. 

“My mom is dead,” you wailed. “I don’t have a mom anymore, what am I gonna do?”

“Shh, oh baby,” he hugs with one hand cupping your head and the other is rubbing your back softly. Pulling you up, he grabs your legs to wrap his waist and he carries you to the sofa. You’re now fully attached to him like a koala. Crying like a little girl. 

“I’m sorry,” your voice is muffled as your face is planted on his chest. Taehyung is humming while planting kisses on your head. “Let it out, it’s okay, you’re safe.”

Both of you just sit there on his laps, as he rocks you side by side. Patiently waiting for you to be okay again. Hearing his steady heartbeat makes you feel grounded.

You’re no longer crying aside from the sniffles and little hiccups. You noticed that his shirt is practically drenched with tears and snots. “Your shirt,” you mumbles with your tiny hand trying to wipe them off. 

He chuckles at your action. “That’s the least in my mind right now, sweetheart,” pushing your hair, he landed a kiss on your forehead.

“Talk to me.” He said.

You can’t even look at him yet because you think you’re being silly. You just let your head down. He calls your name with a hand softly on your chin.

“_____, sweetheart?” He smiles when you see him. He swear his heart bleeds by the puffy looks in your eyes, flushed cheeks and wet lashes. 

“I’m sorry, Tae. I didn’t mean to use you…or..or…anything…I mean…I kinda do wanna kiss you..but…but…I’m sorry…it’s just…I have,” you bables and you can feel a new set of tears started forming in the corner of your eyes.

Taehyung kissed you cheeks in hopes to calm you down again. “Breathe , one word at a time.” He coaxes. 

“Taehyung, my mom is dead,” with a broken voice, you speak. Your hands grab his shirt tighter. You feel like your whole body is shattering after you said those words. “Oh my god, she’s gone,” you sobs. “I was so wrapped up in the idea of her hating me, and we just, our bond just collapsed and I was so focused on that it finally came upon me now that she is totally gone. I feel like a monster for hating her, Tae,” you no longer care how you look at this moment. For sure it’s a wreck with your whole face literally washed with tears and snots. He is so good to you. So good and patient. He caressed his thumbs on your cheeks, using the hem of his shirt to wipe the snots. In different circumstances, you might’ve blurted that you are already in love with him. 

“I want to talk to her, so bad. But it’s too late now. Do you remember the journals?” You take a deep breath. Small sobs still left your mouth but you are more calm now compared to a few minutes ago. Looking up, you noticed the worried look on Taehyung’s face. With a frown on his face, his eyes look glassy. He hums softly, encouraging you to continue. He wants you to pour it all out. Before he told you his part of the story. 

 “I’ve read them all, Tae. It’s like seeing another side of her, the side that she has been hiding from me. For years! I hated that so much. I hate how she puts on this ridiculous mask and makes me mistake her as the villain, and now I am the villain!” You clench your teeth, clearly feeling upset about the whole ordeal since you’ve been reading the journals.

Rather than screaming to project your upset, you continue in hush toned. Like you’re trying to not let everyone know that you’re ashamed of yourself. “Taehyung, what kind of a daughter I am? I have no idea she was sick, I can’t talk to her friends because I know no one! And this Vante guy she keeps mentioning. It makes me feel so stupid, so clueless of everything.

God, I wanna be mad at her so bad, but I can’t. She’s not here anymore and I am all alone, Tae.”

“___. There’s something I need to tell you.” he finally speaks up. At the mention of Vante, his body tensed a little. Not that he wasn’t prepared for this moment but he likes you. And telling you this might make you see him in a different light. He was scared. 

“What is it?” You asked.

“Vante, I am Vante.” He breathed.

Silence filled the living room at the four words uttered by him. You were taken aback to say the least. You have mixed feelings about this because he knew, he knew everything. 

“I am an author, just like your mom. Vante is my pseudonym. She was like my mentor.” Taehyung hesitated to continue seeing you’re not responding much after he revealed he is Vante. He retracted back his hands because he’d think you don’t want to be near him. But his eyes widen when you cup your hands on his cheeks. “Go on, tell me everything. I wanna know everything,” you said.

“I met her a few years ago, when I opened up the bookstore. She was a regular visitor and I knew her. She was someone that everyone in my literary peers looked up too. She recognized me right away when I was just a silly little writer who wrote short stories on local newspapers. She never calls me by my name, I have no idea why. She said my birth name is lovely since it’s a gift from my parents but Vante is my own gift to myself. And that sounds very extraordinary,” he chuckled, remembering that. And you too are giggling. “Yea that sounds like her, extraordinary,” you mimicked her at the last word. 

“I was ready to give up on writing. It is hard to be a freelance writer when you have no one to guide you. She offered to help in reviewing my works. She was harsh,” Taehyung shakes his head. “Vante, starting a new dialogue in the same paragraph? Uncivilized!” It’s his turn to mimic your mom. You just laughed because that really is your mom. 

“A minus for chemistry? Uncivilized!” You said back to him. The both of you laughed softly at the memories you two shared of her. 

“She was harsh but she loved you so much.” Taehyung whispered to you, his fingers are pushing your hair off your forehead. His eyes longingly stare at yours. “She always talked about you here and there during our monthly reviewing sessions. I sometimes help her by sending her works to her publication. One day, I guessed she missed you so much, she was just sitting still, staring at the thick printed works on her laps. She said, “This is my child Vante, but why do I feel so bad.” Taehyung continued. You were about to cry again.

“That was when she told me about your relationship with her, somehow the role reversed. I sort of become her listening companion. She found it hard to convey her real feelings about you, but she loves writing, so I told her to write them down. The journals.” Taehyung wiped away your silent tears.

“Tae, the journal was unfinished. There’s a hanging line in the last book.” you said, suddenly remembering the journals. 

“_____, I’m sorry. Death was inevitable. Unfortunately she didn’t get to finish it.” Taehyung speaks in a low tone, afraid that it might make you cry again. As if that is not what you have been doing the moment you knock on his door. “Nobody saw it coming.”

“But that’s so unfair, I didn’t get to see her for the last time. And she didn’t get to say her last word to me. How messed up is that,” you wrapped your hands around his neck, burrowing your head on the crook of his neck. He feels warm wetness on the skin and he sighed. Though it’s good that you’re finally grieving properly but it hurts him to see you in this state. 

“Baby, no more tears, please.” He cooed. Hands rubbing your head gently. 

“Make it stop then,” you murmur.

“Make what stop?” He asked.

“Everything, even for a while. So that I can think clearly again after tonight,” you whispered brokenly.

Taehyung knew what you wanted and he honestly will do anything for you at this moment. “Can I kiss you?” He asked.

“Yes, please,”

Without a second longer, his lips are on yours. This time you completely let him take control. You’re so tired and you just wanna be held by him. He rubs the nape of your head, making you feel so content. He makes you feel so safe.

Slow kisses turn heated as he nibbles on your lower lip, gasping sharply and you let his tongue slide into your mouth. Your hands are trying to hold onto something and they landed on his hair, pushing him closer until you’re chest to chest. Your heart beats so loud or was it his? 

“_____,” he breathes. Pulling away his mouth a little, much to your displeasure, creating a small space in between you and him.

With short panting, you whine. Asking for him to come back. But he shushed you while his hands rubbed your side up and down. His forehead against yours as he takes a deep breath. “I want you, you have no idea. God, I want you so bad. But not in this way. Baby, you’re upset.” He speaks oh so softly. 

“Taehyung,” 

“I wanna do it in the right, the right time. Okay sweetheart? Hum?” He asked. He would be crazy to ignore his desire but he respects you so much. You’re grieving and upset.

“Okay, Tae. I’m actually really tired anyway.” You sniffed. Smiling at his apologetic face. “Please know that I want you, baby. Since the day you played with Yeontanie.” He said and at the mention of the dog, you laughed.

Seeing you laugh albeit short makes his heart bloom a little. “Stay here for the night, please? I can’t be calm knowing you’re home alone. Not in this state.” He pleads.

All it took was a nod from you before he carried you to his bedroom. “Don’t leave me, Tae.” You mumbles. The moment your head hits the fluffy pillow, tiredness starts to consume you. 

“I’m here,” he whispered to you. “I promise. I’ll be with you in every step of the way,”

You were awake at some point. It was still dark outside. It must’ve been a few hours after you fell asleep. Noticing a big arm wrapping you from behind, your brain is replaying the event from last night. The journals, Taehyung, you kissed him, he kissed you, he held you so securely as you wept again and again on his lap. Unconsciously, your delicate fingers are tracing the skin on his arm. He was a stranger at first. Somehow you held onto him like he is a buoy or else you’ll drown. 

In a short span, Taehyung embedded himself in your heart. What started from having dinner together with him casually asked you on a date, he cooks for you, constantly checking up on you. You think he genuinely cares for you. Maybe he feels the need to take care of you because he knows your mom. Your mom, thinking about her, makes your heart clenched again. 

“Mom, I’ve decided. I’ve decided that you wanted to tell me, not to be afraid,” you thought to yourself.