Archive of Our Own

[The scene is set. A small television studio, set up in the usual panel game style. The host, Gene Genie, sits in the middle wearing a particularly garish orange shirt which clashes slightly with the orange and brown styling of the set. To each side of him sits two banks of three men at a slight angle so it can be said they are facing each other, but also facing out into the studio audience. The lights are dim and a make-up girl disappears off set as the Producer indicates that they are about to broadcast live.

A particularly bland orchestral piece plays, over which the titles will appear to anyone watching at home. To those in the studio, the lights then brighten. The show has begun.]

Gene: Good evening viewers, and the Gene Genie welcomes you to another riveting installment of "Give Us a Fucking Clue". As usual, our resident players, "The Cops" are on my left: Ray, Chris, and their captain, Sam.

[Applause as the boys wave to the camera; smiling, in the case of Ray and Chris; frowning in the case of Sam.]

Gene: And on my right, this week, we have "The Robbers". Fresh from Hyde Mental Hospital, Tony Crane, [pause for applause]; on day release from Haverigg, Stephen Warren, [another pause for applause]; and calling in on his way to Mexico, one of Manchester's most tireless criminals, their captain, Vic Tyler!

[More applause as all three men nod and smile for the camera.]

Gene: So, Vic. A little bird tells me that you and our resident nutter, Sam, are related. Is that true?

Vic: Yeah, I've heard that too. Rumour has it that he's my son. Which is obviously impossible because he's two and a half years older than me.

Gene: Well, yes, I see the issue. That would make for an interesting paradox. I doubt that even my spunk is potent enough to knock-up its own unborn children.

[Cue laughter as the camera pans onto Sam, who has a sour expression on his face.]

Gene: And at this point I would like to introduce the lovely Annie, my beautiful assistant. Annie, what are we playing for this week?

Annie: [smiling for the camera] Well, Genie, this week's star prize is a fortnight in Benidorm for two!

[Uproarious cheering and applause at the amazingly generous prize]

Gene: Fancy that, eh, lads? And I bet young Annie here will happily be the second, for whoever wins tonight!.

Annie: [offstage] Saucy git.

Gene: And let's not forget the keeper of the scores, the enchanting Phyllis. Eh, if Annie doesn't fancy it, I bet Phyllis would quite happily go to bend over.

[More audience laughter]

Phyllis: [rolling her eyes] That's Benidorm, Genie.

Gene: [winking to the camera] Right you are, love. Okay, so let's get on with Round One and let us see who is on the slab this week. Oswald, are you there?

Oswald: Hello Genie. It's nice to be back!

Gene: It's true that we don't see enough of you Oswald. What do you have for us this week?

Oswald: We have a pretty one for you, Genie. The victim is female, young and blonde.

Gene: Tasty. Right. We tossed for first dibs right before the show and our resident Cops won. So, Sam, are you going to play or pass?

Sam: Play please.

Gene: Okay, Cops, you have one question each. Ray, did you want to go first?

Ray: Okay, Genie. Oswald. Was the victim found at the scene of the crime?

Oswald: No, Ray.

Chris: Can you tell me, Oswald, if the victim was stabbed?

Oswald: Yes, she was, Chris!

[Sam pats his team-mate on the back before looking towards the camera]

Sam: Was the victim wearing a red dress?

Oswald: No, Sam.

Gene: And stop! Now, Robbers, you were listening hard, I bet. You also have one question each, Stephen, you take the first one.

Stephen: Hello Oswald. Was the victim dumped in the canal?

Oswald: Hello Mr. Warren. Yes she was.

Sam: [as an aside] Well, that's a coincidence.

Tony: [frowning] Um, the victim, she was killed less than three days ago?

Oswald: Yes.

Vic: Oswald, can you tell me, is the victim over thirty?

Oswald: Oh, I doubt that very much, Mr Tyler.

Gene: Well, thank you, Oswald for your contribution. We'll see you again next week. [Gene turns to the contestants] Okay, so what do we know? Any ideas so far? Sam?

Sam: Well, it sounds like a crime of passion, to be honest, Gene. But I wouldn't like to speculate too far on suspects until we know who the victim is.

Gene: Fair enough. Vic?

Vic: I'm with Sam on this. Although I would like to hazard a guess that it is likely to be the victim's father.

Gene: Interesting theory, Vic. Let's see how that one stacks up through the show. And before we go to an advert break, let's see what the scores are. Phyllis?

Phyllis: Well, Genie, the Robbers got more answers right in the last round and therefore are in the lead by one point.

[cue applause]

Gene: And we'll be right back. See you soon!!!

[cue music fade-out and advertisements for soap powder, gravy granules, spaghetti hoops and toothpaste. While the audience at home is making tea, the studio audience is treated to a couple of minor comedians cracking some unfunny jokes. They are very relieved when the music starts to play to indicate the start of the second section.]

Gene: Welcome back to "Give us a Fucking Clue". So far our teams have managed to detect the fact that our victim was stabbed no more than three days ago and that the body was dumped in the canal shortly after death. We still need to find out who the victim is and who might have done this. So, let's reveal the name! Sam, which letter do you want?

Sam: We'll have an E, please Gene.

[Annie turns one square out of the nine on the board to show an "E"]

Gene: And that's one E, Sam. Well done. Vic?

Vic: T please, Gene.

[Annie reveals two "T"s]

Gene: There's two T's. Did you want to have a guess, Vic?

[Vic confers with his two team mates]

Vic: Erm, Elizabeth? No, that doesn't fit.

Gene: Nope, I'm sorry Vic. I have to take your first answer. Okay Sam, choose a letter.

Sam: Ooh, I'd like a "P", please Gene.

Gene: Again? I thought you went in the break?"

[The audience laughs as Annie shakes her head, indicating that there are no "P"s to be had.]

Gene: Well, that's no "P"s and one life lost. You've only got two left now, Sam. Vic?

Vic: Erm, how about an "L", Gene?

Gene: I'll give you "L". Annie?

[Annie smiles and turns over an "L"]

Gene: Okay, one "L". Another guess?

Vic: Oooh. Could it be "Nora Batty"?

Gene: Nope, sorry, that doesn't fit. Sam?

Sam: [looking a little apprehensive] Er, "R" please.

[Annie turns over two "R"s]

Gene: That's two "R"s, Sam. Have you any idea who it is?

Sam: [who has turned as white as a sheet] I think it's "Ruth Tyler", Gene.

Gene: And you're right! Congratulations! That's five points to the Cops.

[the studio audience breaks into uproarious applause]

Gene: And onto Round Three. We've identified the victim and we've ascertained how she died. What we need now is a list of suspects. I'm going to read out a person's details and the teams are going to guess who it is. Are we ready, teams? Fingers on buzzers!

Okay, first person. "Married to Ruth for five and a half years, this person disappeared earlier this year after a chase with the police…"

[sound of buzzer]

Yes, Sam?

Sam: [rather triumphantly] Vic Tyler!

Gene: Well done! That's correct! Okay, next person. "This man shares a name with the victim, but is not known to be a relation. Rather a strange character, he has a knack of getting himself in to idiotic situations…"

[sound of a buzzer]

Yes, Ray?

Ray: That's the Boss, Guv.

Gene: Right you are, Ray. Okay third suspect. "Sister to the victim, this woman had a brief run-in with the police only a couple of months ago. It is widely rumoured that she attended sex parties although this has never been proven…"

[sound of a buzzer]

Vic?

Vic: Oh, that's Heather. And I can prove the sex party thing…

[Sam slams a hand down on the desk, but doesn't say anything.]

Gene: [frowning] Now then, Sam. Don't give away your lead by losing it now.

[Sam grimaces, but acknowledges this. He stares at Vic with hatred in his eyes.]

Gene: [with a polite cough] Right then. And, as usual, we have the wild card. Annie, who is it this week?

Annie: [Opening a gold envelope] Genie, this week we have one Graham Smith. Banged up for assault three years ago, he's out and ready for any opportunity he can take. He is not known by the victim or by any of the other suspects. A true wild card.

Gene: Thank you Annie. Now, lads. Any ideas?

Chris: Well, it could be a burglary gone wrong? Or a mugging. We still don't know where the victim was killed.

Gene: Ah-ha. Very good point, Chris. That brings us straight to the next round. But first, we'll go to a break.

[Cue music and fade-out. As the viewers at home watch more advertisements, the make-up girl makes sure that Gene is not shining too much under the hot studio lights.]

Gene: And we're back and in business. Before the break we learned that Ruth Tyler had been ruthlessly stabbed and her body dumped in the canal. But where was she murdered? Now I know a chap who will know. PC Grossman, are you there?

[PC Grossman stands in the middle of a suburban street, some children are crowding behind him, pulling faces at the camera.]

PC Grossman: Hello Genie! And it's a pleasure to see you again.

Gene: PC Grossman, welcome back to the show. And now, it's been a fair few weeks since you took us on a walk through a crime scene. What have you been doing with yourself?

PC Grossman: Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. A couple of cookery courses, nothing too fancy of course, but I thought I would try something different.

Gene: I leave the missus to do all the cooking. Not a job for real men, is it? [pauses for a moment to let the audience titter slightly] Okay, PC Grossman, can you take us through what you've got for us today?

PC Grossman: Well, Genie, welcome to Number 16, Stockport Street, the scene of the crime this week. And looking through the keyhole, we can instantly tell that the door wasn't forced. Whoever the murderer is, he was let into the house, most probably by the victim.

Now we go through to the hall. And such an elegant hallway it is. Pristine, well-dusted, no signs of a struggle. The china dogs on the telephone table haven't even been disturbed.

And to our right, the front room, again no sign of a disturbance, no sign of anyone using this room today. Except, is it me or does the floor look a little bare? Oh, here, the bare hint of a footprint on the carpet, a sticky brown substance just left on the carpet.

We now go through to the kitchen, and dear me, what do we see? A large kitchen knife, lying in a pool of blood. Another, better defined footprint on the floor. I'd say that it's a size eleven shoe. It is in the direction of the lounge where our killer must have grabbed the rug from the floor in order to bundle our victim out of the house. Yes, tell-tale signs of something being dragged through the blood. And here, on the door jamb, a little smear of the same blood where the now blood-soaked rug brushed against it as the victim was carried out of the house and down to the canal, across the wasteland that backs onto this row of houses.

So, I ask you Genie, how was our victim murdered in a house like this?

Gene: [smiling for the camera] Thank you, PC Grossman for that compelling walk around the scene of the crime. Now, lads. That's all of the pieces. Can either the Cops or Robbers find out the truth? Vic?

Vic: Well, as the victim was murdered in her own home and that there was no sign of forced entry, it's likely that she knew her attacker. Which rules out Graham Smith.

Sam: And of course the size eleven footprint rules out Auntie Heather.

[Both men stare at each other, shock on Vic's face as they come to the same conclusion. They both press their buzzers at the same time, but Sam is slightly quicker]

Gene: Sam. Do you have an answer?

Sam: [points a shaking finger at Vic] It was him!

Gene: [stares at Sam for a very long moment before nodding.] And you're right! Congratulations, Cops. That's three wins in a row for you! So, to the winners, a fortnight in Benidorm. To the losers, life at Her Majesty's Pleasure. Take 'im away, lads.

[Two uniformed policemen enter the studio on the left, cuffing Vic Tyler and leading him away. As they do so, Tony Crane grabs at his arm.]

Tony Crane: [muttering] Hard luck, Vic. The bastard got me exactly the same way.

[cue music, final credits and fade-out]