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"Ummmm...." McKay lolled back in his seat with a dreamy expression on his face. "I can't believe I never mentioned how much I've missed fresh guacamole, Colonel."
"Neither can I! I mean, you've complained about practically everything else," muttered Sheppard.
"John," Weir said reprovingly, before McKay could get started. McKay subsided back into his chair and tried to recover his guacamole-daydream. "I've missed guacamole myself, actually," Weir admitted wryly.
"Yeah, but I don't know if getting our hands on something that the SGC could ship to us on the Daedalus anyway justifies this mission." Sheppard scrunched his face in consternation.
"Pthhh! That packaged guacamole has lime in it, Colonel!" McKay said, waving an imperious finger. "The only way I can eat non-poisonous lime-less guacamole is to have it made fresh. And that, my friend, takes fresh avocados!"
"But Ronon said the natives on this planet are cannibals," said Sheppard.
"Yeah, the Piranha are real man-eaters," Ronon said, lifting an ironic eyebrow as he flipped his dreds over his shoulder.
"Are they Wraith worshipers?" asked Teyla in concern.
"Nah." Ronon used one of his knives to clean his fingernails. "Just, the Gate's on this island, surrounded by jungle. The island doesn't offer much in the way of animal protein—that isn't poisonous, anyway."
"They eat travelers who come through the Circle of the Ancestors as a source of meat?" Teyla asked incredulously.
"Usually as jerky strips. With guacamole dip," confirmed Ronon. He frowned. "Although, come to think of it, the Barracuda tribe likes them with clam sauce. Not really my thing."
"Absolutely," agreed McKay. "Guacamole's way better."
Ronon nodded.
***
"With respect, Sir, how did you get talked into this again?" asked Lorne, his forehead crinkled in trepidation as they stepped out of the Stargate onto the Avocado Planet, as Sheppard's team had dubbed it. He and Sheppard took defensive positions on either side of the Stargate, P-90s at the ready.
"I know," Sheppard whined. "I don't understand it either. Frankly, if you want me to step down so that you can take over command, you're welcome to it, Major."
Lorne shuddered. "No thank you, Sir. Being your XO is challenge enough. Getting turned into a bug, or whatever, is not something I'm aspiring to."
Teyla stepped through the Gate, P-90 already raised, scanning the jungle around them as she walked forward several paces.
"Teyla," Sheppard complained. "I think Lorne's insulting me again."
"Please don't taunt the Colonel, Major," said Teyla evenly. "Remember what happened the last time."
"Uh, right. Yes, right!" Lorne cleared his throat. "Your leadership is an inspiration to us all, Sir!" he proclaimed in a loud dull voice.
Weir and McKay came through, and Weir interrupted her discussion of avocado recipes (with McKay waving his pistol around alarmingly in illustrative gestures) to query Lorne: "Major, have you been taunting Colonel Sheppard again?"
"Oh, please!" said McKay dismissively. "It's not like it isn't ridiculously easy to do. No challenge at all, really."
"Hey!" protested the object of McKay's scorn. "I'm still here!"
Ronon strolled through the Gate, hand on the butt of his blaster, followed by three Marines--Sergeant Mattel and Corporals Maddox and Stockwell—and one of the botanists on Brown's staff, Doctor Dave Parrish.
Parrish was peering carefully at the modified life-signs detector in his hands. The expression of fierce concentration on his face reminded Sheppard of McKay hot on the trail of a ZPM.
"There!" Parrish exclaimed. "Persea gratissima, right in that direction." He pointed.
"Avocado trees," Weir translated for everyone's benefit. Heads nodded sagely.
"Okay, Ronon, you take point, you've been here before. Try to keep us from getting eaten, will you? Dr. Parrish, you can go next, but don't get ahead of Ronon. Teyla, you're with Dr. Parrish. Keep an eye on him. Mattel, Maddox, Stockwell, watch out for Doctors Weir and McKay. Rodney, for goodness sake don't wander off, okay?"
"Yes, yes, I'm quite well aware, Colonel. Poisonous animals, cannibalistic natives, things that go 'bump.' Stay with the group. We've all got it. Can we go now? Guacamole awaits." McKay rubbed his hands together briskly.
"Go for it." Sheppard waved at Ronon. "Lorne and I will follow on your six."
***
"Are those hippos? Look at the little babies! They're so cute!" Weir leaned out dangerously over the riverbank, eyes on the baby hippo-like creatures.
"They're poisonous," Ronon said--the same thing he'd said for every example of wildlife they'd run across so far. "The adults have nasty fangs, too."
Lorne signed and dragged Weir back to the trail by her elbow. "Please stay with the group, ma'am." Maddox had already been eaten by a giant (poisonous) snake, half a klick back.
"Are those ripe? Tell me those are ripe!" McKay nudged Parrish with his elbow as he pointed out some temptingly low-hanging avocados.
"Doctor McKay," Teyla's voice was somewhere between patient and chiding, sliding gradually into exasperation. "Remember we agreed to find the Piranha people and arrange a trade for their crop. We must not steal the produce."
"What? It's not stealing. They're just hanging there. Those trees hardly look cultivated. Look at all the weeds around that tree. And OH MY GOD, is that a leopard?"
"Poisonous," Ronon informed them in a bored voice, as everyone pointed their firearms at the spotted cat-like creature lounging innocuously in the shade of the tree. The group scurried by quickly, McKay giving an undignified squeak when the leopard-thing yawned, showing off impressive teeth.
***
They eventually found the Piranha people. Or, more accurately, the Piranha found them.
"We told you, Runner," Kurtz, the attractive, well-endowed leader of the Piranha people told Ronon, as she fingered his jacket. "We told you, if you came back we would have you for dinner." Since her own clothing was rather skimpy, perhaps she was contemplating confiscating the garment.
Ronon grunted and strained futilely against the bonds holding him tightly to the avocado tree. "I thought it meant you were inviting me to eat, not to be eaten."
"Kurtz, listen, I'm Doctor Weir, the leader of this group. My people have much to offer yours. Medicines, technology…new clothes!" Weir tried to smile charmingly while twisting against the ropes that bound her to her own tree.
"Elizabeth," Sheppard said through teeth clenched in a glaringly fake smile. "You said you wanted to come along so that you could negotiate a trading deal with the nice cannibals. You're going to have to try harder than that!"
Mattel and Stockwood had already been dragged off to the stew pots. Sheppard was alarmed to hear his own stomach grumbling (he'd missed breakfast). "Teyla! Do something!"
"Ah, yes! Honored Kurtz, I'm sure your people have suffered the predations of the Wraith," began Teyla, smiling broadly and desperately.
"Not so much. They taste pretty gamey, but the meat's okay if you cook it for a long time with certain herbs." Kurtz poked Weir in the gut. "This one's going to be really tough and stringy. Maybe we can fatten her up a bit, first."
Lorne sighed deeply and hung his head. Why, oh why had he volunteered for this duty? The Goa'uld were bad enough, but the aliens in the Pegasus Galaxy saw you and reached for the condiments…
"Hey, wait a minute. The finest mind in two galaxies is not going to be your little snack," snarled McKay. "Listen, Kurtz, I've got something much tastier than us."
***
"Thanks, McKay." Ronon threw his arm around McKay's shoulders. "You actually gave up your chocolate pudding to save us."
McKay sniffed haughtily, but grinned up at Ronon. "It's called samples, Ronon. As in, sample trade goods. I'm shocked that the more experienced negotiators in our party neglected to bring any." He eyed Teyla and Weir, loaded down with baskets of lovely avocados the Piranhas had traded in exchange for McKay's pack-full of pudding cups, beef jerky strips, candy bars, cheese puffs, corn chips, and jars of peanut butter. Teyla ruefully blew a strand of hair out of her face. Weir was grimly ignoring everyone and trudging towards the Stargate, as she'd been for the last half-klick.
Mattel and Stockwood stumbled along with their own loads of avocados (the chocolate bars had been very popular). They were somewhat shell-shocked, having narrowly avoided being stew ingredients. They were also missing their jackets--the Piranhas really did need new clothes.
Lorne was in the rear, chivvying Parrish along whenever the botanist paused for another plant sample. Both were festooned with cuttings and seedlings.
"Hey, Ronon, do you know any planets where they grow potatoes?" McKay asked contemplatively. He caught Sheppard's eye. The Colonel shook his head, grinned, and continued to alertly scan the jungle around them.
"Like for the mashed potatoes they serve at the mess hall?" Ronon raised an eyebrow and licked his lips, remembering the big bowl of mashed potatoes he'd consumed the evening before.
"Well, I was thinking more along the lines of a dish we Canadians like to call Poutine…"
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