Chapter Text
Regina sat alone on her office floor, back against the door, knees tucked to her chin, her normally perfect hair falling around her face hiding her tears from the empty room. The overwhelming sense of loneliness mixed with the all to familiar feelings of inadequacy and failure, leaving her shaking with defeat. She had failed to find the author of the cursed book and in the process had revealed her true intentions to her son. Henry had predictably looked at her with confusion and hurt over being lied to and then took off as fast as his growing legs would take him, leaving her alone and full of regret yet again.
Regina angrily wiped away her tears, furious at herself for being weak. Love is weakness dear. Regina cringed at Cora’s cruel words, even though she knew her mother was long gone, the voice in her head stubbornly remained. She ignored her mother and resumed feeling sorry for herself for losing control. In her desperation to be loved by Robin Hood, to finally have a happy ending she had finally succeeded in pushing away the only person who’s love she truly needed, Henry’s.
Fresh hot tears spilled down her cheeks and she swiped them away again, further smearing her usually perfect makeup. She didn’t care. She sat on the floor wallowing in her self pity for a long time before realizing that she had run to the exact same place she had when Marian and Robin first found each other in Storybrooke. Emma’s doing. She tried to find it in herself to hate Emma but found the effort exhausting and pointless. As hurt as she had been that Emma had stolen Robin away from her, however unintentionally, she could not remain angry at the savior for long. Her anger would flare red hot for a few moments but dissipate quickly when she remembered just how upset Emma had been about the consequences of her actions.
It puzzled her to no end that the unpredictable, hot headed daughter of her mortal enemies, the Charmings’ cared so deeply about Regina and her happiness. Emma had always been quick to jump to Regina’s defense, quick to protect her at all costs, even when they had been at each other’s throats maybe seconds before. Emma seemed almost possessive of Regina, guarding her at all costs from perceived threats, trying to shield her from unnecessary pain. At first Regina had thought it was because of their shared love for Henry, but over time, she began to suspect that Emma’s motives ran deeper than that.
Regina couldn’t really pinpoint when she had made the transition from hating Emma to beginning to love her, but it had happened slowly. Emma had crawled under her skin, repeatedly seeing beneath the mask everyone else believed. Everyone else in this town was quick to blame anything and everything on Regina, no matter how preposterous the accusations were. Everyone still believed her to be the Evil Queen. Not Emma. Emma had stepped in time and time again, defending Regina to the town, rescuing Regina.
It started with the fire Regina realized. The fire that had won Emma her post as sheriff. Regina had expected Emma to leave her, to abandon her but she didn’t. She dragged Regina out of the burning building, saving her life. And when she could have taken credit for saving her, she chose to tell the truth instead, risking losing everything. Regina found herself disarmed, unable to hate the woman she thought would take everything from her. A woman who had been sorely tempted to do just that.
Since then, Emma had saved her countless times, from the town that wanted to destroy her after the curse broke, from the wraith gold sent after her, and numerous times after that. She defended her when she was accused of murdering Archie, and sincerely apologized after coming to believe that she had as a result of Cora’s deception. Regina couldn’t even track the number of times Emma had stepped in, telling her to be better, helping her to believe that she actually could be better. Emma saw the best in Regina when all everyone else saw the worst.
Regina recalled the times that Emma lent Regina her magic, four times so far. Each time had been in an effort to save Regina and others. Each time, Regina felt a strong connection forged between them when their magic blended. Emma had used magic once before she even knew she had it. Emma had acted on instinct, placing her hand firmly on Regina’s arm, creating the portal that sucked Emma away along with the wraith after Emma shoved her out of harms way. Regina had managed to repay her kindness during Emma and Mary Margaret’s return trip through the portal but that was only because of Henry. Then they worked together to stop the curse from destroying Storybrooke, Emma choosing to stay and fight with Regina instead of abandoning her. After that, Emma had lent Regina magic again to defeat Pan and rescue their son.
In Neverland, Regina felt her walls come down, the mask gone completely. The wounded woman beneath emerged, desperately clinging to the hope that they would succeed in rescuing Henry, all the while not realizing that Emma was rescuing her, teaching her about how to be a better person, a better mother, to believe in herself again and to trust others with her heart. They succeeded in rescuing Henry and bringing him home, at least so they thought. Pan had switched bodies with Henry, and Regina had been furious with herself for not noticing immediately. Emma had helped her forgive herself.
They managed to get Henry back and Gold gave up his life to stop Pan.
Her walls stayed down up until she lost Henry and Emma to Pan’s curse. She sent Emma and Henry over the town line, with her memories of her early years with Henry. She gave Emma the gift of having never given Henry up and removed herself from their lives to save them. After returning to her land, her walls had begun to climb up again until Robin came along and continued the work Emma had begun.
They wound up back in Storybrooke after the Charming’s created a new curse, knowing that somehow, their daughter would find them and rescue them. And Emma did come back. at that point, Regina didn’t remember her year with Robin and so hope sprung up in her again that maybe, just maybe, things could work out between her and Emma. But Emma grew closer with the one handed pirate instead and so Regina backed off, telling herself that she was content to regulate her relationship with Emma to friendship.
Regina began to fall for Robin again, and once she remembered the lost year with him, it seemed to cement their relationship. Regina had found a happy ending, even though it wasn’t with the savior and mother of her child.
Regina had grown distant with Emma since Neverland and her return to Storybrooke, unable to stomach seeing Emma consorting with the pirate, although she could never bring herself to admit why she was so jealous. She found ways to remain friends with Emma while slowly erecting those walls again, but she couldn’t help how she felt about the savior. She remembered their magic lessons, how quickly and easily Emma responded. She remembered how angry she had become at Emma for wasting her potential. And how furious she had been when she found out that Emma lost her magic kissing the pirate, leaving Regina to deal with her sister alone.
But Regina succeeded, thanks to Emma and Robin’s faith in her. They had won, and she was finally being seen for the changed woman she was. Her fragile friendship with Emma was growing stronger.
After the big fight, Regina had been completely caught up in Robin, she didn’t even notice that Emma had gone missing. She felt horrible when she realized that Emma had been dragged into the portal with the pirate into the past. But Emma had returned safe and sound, and Regina was grateful for that. But it wouldn’t last.
Their fragile friendship was shattered the moment Robin spotted his wife.
“Marian?! I thought I would never see you again. I thought you were dead!” Robin embraced his wife as Roland said, “ Mommy?” and grabbed his mother’s leg.
Regina stood, embarrassed beyond believe, the genuine smile frozen on her lips as she stared stupidly at the scene. She was supposed to say hello to the woman, apologize for hurting her and move on. Emma had told her that Marian still saw her as evil and she had been foolish enough to think she could change that. Now she stared at the scene, not believing that in one single instant, she was that evil queen again, tearing families apart, keeping Robin, a man she had come to love deeply from his wife. There was no chance for redemption here. Emma had robbed her of that. She tore her eyes away and turned to face a stricken Emma who looked at her with eyes begging her to understand that she hadn’t meant it.
“You did this?” Regina asked, her voice betraying her, giving away just how much Emma had succeeded in hurting her. A wound from Emma stung far more than a wound from anyone else. She expected it from everyone else, but Emma? Emma protected her… until now.
“ I didn’t know…”
Regina let Emma have it before fleeing the diner.
Regina knew Emma well enough to know that the Red leather clad Savior had never intended to hurt her by bringing Marian back, she had no idea who the woman was. Still, she had been rather surprised that Emma had chased her out of the diner that night. Regina had turned and snapped at her about consequences and had been shocked and immediately sorry when she saw that Emma’s emerald eyes mirrored Regina’s pain.
Regina didn’t remember exactly what she had said to the pretty blonde, but remembered well the effect it had on her. Emma had looked like a lost puppy, just shy of groveling at her feet for causing Regina immeasurable hurt. Regina had turned from her and fled to the Mayor’s office, more angry at herself than Emma. This office used to make Regina feel in control, but now, it only made her feel small and vulnerable.
It hadn’t surprised Regina when Emma found her the following day. She had seen the look of determination she could have only inherited from her idiot parents in her gaze before Regina had run. Emma seemed to know and understand Regina almost better than Regina understood herself. Emma didn’t have to wonder where Regina had fled to, she simply knew.
Regina refused to open the door that night, not needing to see Emma to know that her green eyes had flashed with sorrow and determination while she promised to somehow, make this right, and get Regina her happy ending back. Regina had shaken her head at Emma’s naivety, Villians don’t get happy endings.
Regina had avoided Emma for weeks, ignoring her calls, turning her back on her after fighting the snow monster and saving Marian and the others. Regina just couldn’t shake her anger at Emma for wounding her so badly. Every time Emma tried to reach out and apologize, it only made Regina more angry, and more desperate to pull away, but she would not admit to herself why.
Until last week, when Emma had arrived at her vault, asking Regina for help. Regina turned her away, making cutting remarks to let Emma know she was far from forgiven. Regina had been unpleasantly surprised to run into Emma again while she was using Sydney in her mirror to find the Snow Queen. Regina made it clear Emma was unwelcome but Emma stayed anyway. Moments later, Regina was secretly grateful to have the savior by her side when they nearly died on Elsa’s Ice bridge. Emma predictably asked if she was okay, causing a little of Regina’s anger to dissipate…
Regina recalled how they fought the Ice Queens snowman, trying to fight separately until Emma suggested that they try together. Regina barely contained her smirk. Emma could not resist the opportunity. To her surprise, their magic made short work of the snowman, Regina melting him, Emma preventing him from regenerating. Regina had been rather impressed with how in control Emma had been over her magic, though she wouldn’t dare say that at that moment. Their victory didn’t last anyway because the snow queen appeared.
After the Snow Queen took Regina’s mirror and Regina had discovered the extent of Sydney’s betrayal, Emma tore into her over refusing to reveal that she had put Sydney back in the mirror.
“You should have told me…”
“Tell you what? That I put Sydney in a mirror to kill Marian but I changed my mind? What’s the point? You never would have believed me. I know you too well Swan. Stop trying to get me to forgive you because it will never happen."
Regina had turned away so she wouldn’t see the effect her words had and so that Emma wouldn’t realize that Regina was lying. She wouldn’t just forgive Emma, but she already had. She was simply lashing out at Emma because Emma was the one person she could attack over and over again and yet Emma would always come back. She raised her hands and vanished, reappearing in her vault.
About an hour later, Emma came down the stairs again interrupting Regina’s research for a cure so she could save Marian:
"What do I have to do to get you to leave me alone Swan? GO AWAY" Regina tried to throw as much venom in her voice as possible but Emma wasn’t impressed, nor did she leave.
"I'm an idiot" Emma blurted out.
Regina snorted, "Finally, something we can agree on."
Emma shook her head, "I'm an idiot because I have been down this road before."
“Irritating me?” Regina tried again, “yes you have." Regina wondered why Emma was still pursuing this, usually after such a show of hostility Emma would back off, but yet she stubbornly remained.
Emma shook her head again, “no, when I was a kid.” her voice softened, and Regina puzzled over why Emma was confiding in her, “someone came into my life for a while and I thought we were going to be… best friends, but this girl lied to me and I pushed her away because of that lie, and she asked me to forgive her but I never did.” Regina’s anger began to dissipate, this wasn’t about Marian and Robin at all. This was about their argument earlier.
Emma continued, “ It took some time but I realized that was a mistake and I regretted the decision but by then it was too late. The damage was already done. I don’t want to make the same mistake again Regina.”
Emma paused, glancing at Regina for a signal. Receiving none, she stepped forward while her tone softened further, “living in Storybrooke, I've got my son and my parents and I love them but they cant always understand me. they don’t understand what it is like to be rejected and misunderstood, not the way I do, not the way you do and somehow that makes us, I don’t know, unique, or maybe even special. I wasn’t looking for you to assuage my guilt. I was just looking for you to be my friend."
Emma’s words hit their mark, and the remainder of Regina’s anger vanished. "You thought we were friends?"
Emma misread Regina’s tone, backpedaling, "Crazy right?"
Emma glanced at Regina, and then at her own feet before continuing shyly, “but I thought it could be that it was possible.
Regina sighed. Why was everything so complicated between them? If they were friends, they were two of the strangest friends any realm had ever seen.
Emma glanced at Regina, determination seeping into her voice, "I am not going to stop trying. Even if you still want to kill me"
Regina half rolled her eyes, and half blinked. She turned away from Emma, annoyed that Emma still seemed to think Regina wanted to harm her. While the thought had crossed her mind a few times since they met, they were long past the days of Regina trying to do away with Henry’s other mother. She had come to accept that Emma was a part of her life. She had even come to miss her presence when they were fighting over something foolish. Not that she was willing to admit that yet.
Nor was she ready to admit how grateful she was that even when they were fighting, even when Regina was lashing out at Emma, Emma never hesitated to come to her rescue, never hesitated to defend her or help her.
Emma turned away from Regina and started to leave, probably assuming that this was as far as she was going to get today.
Regina’s head snapped up, calling to Emma’s retreating form, noting the slump in the savior’s shoulders, "Emma, wait." Emma’s name felt foreign on her tongue, she rarely called her by her given name, usually preferring to call her Sheriff Swan, Miss Swan or when she was angry with her simply Swan. It gave her the illusion that she was keeping Emma at bay, but Regina was beginning to realize that pushing Emma away was exhausting, pointless and lonely. She wanted a friend. She needed one, and Emma for whatever crazy reason wanted to be that friend.
Emma turned around and came back towards Regina, the smallest amount of hope creeping into her eyes.
Regina rolled her eyes up, and then back to Emma, " I don’t WANT to kill you."
Emma nodded and grinned, “See? That’s a start." Regina couldn’t help but notice just how much Emma sounded and looked like her Charming mother in that moment and Regina wanted to laugh. She settled for rolling her eyes again instead.
“Don’t expect me to have you over for girls night and sleep overs anytime soon Miss Swan. This just means that I don’t hate you.”
Emma had simply nodded and left as quietly as she came.
Now, a week later, here she sat yet again, even more alone and even more vulnerable than she had been for the last several weeks. She had Henry before, but now she had managed to muck that up as well. Regina sighed in frustration, she seemed to have developed Emma’s gift for running, a gift that seemed to have been passed to their son as well. Shaking her head, she stood to her feet and brushed herself off, hoping that Henry had run to Emma in his frustration and hurt. Emma seemed to know how to calm Henry down and get Henry to forgive Regina over and over again.
Regina walked by one of the remaining mirrors in her former office and was horrified at her appearance. Without thinking, she waved her hand and watched as purple tendrils made their way to her face restoring her perfect makeup and hair. She noted sadly that the magic had done nothing to conceal the pain in her eyes.
Regina went to the chair behind the massive desk, Snow’s desk she amended. Somehow, Snow had managed to obtain the title of Mayor and new mom while Regina had been distracted trying to get her true love back. Snow had never come to Regina and asked her for the position, she had simply been happy to take the title when the town thrust it upon her. Regina tried to work up resentment for Snow taking something else from her yet again but failed. She knew first hand how difficult it was to run a town with a baby strapped to her. she knew Snow had to be struggling to balance her new roles and was failing if her absence from this office was any indication. Regina felt slightly vindicated that Snow couldn’t perform the role of mayor as well as Regina had, even with a miniature Henry in tow.
Henry. Her heart ached at the thought of her son so grown up this morning, running from her as soon as he realized that she had no intention of asking the author of the damned book to give her a happy ending but that she had intended to take it by force. Not that it mattered anymore because if the results of her spell she had cast that morning with Henry by her side was any indication, there was no author for the book, and obtaining her happy ending was now permanently out of reach. Regina sighed, it hadn’t been worth the cost, her dark magic spell. It had cost her a happy ending with the only person who mattered to her.
Her shoulders shook as tears once again threatened to spill down her cheeks. She felt that familiar self loathing rise in her chest, pure hatred for herself for forcing Henry away. She could never have a happy ending. No one was crazy enough to love her when she repeatedly shoved them away.
A soft knock on the office door startled her out of her downward spiral and she wiped her tears away hastily. “Go away.” She called out, trying to insert anger into her voice but failing.
“Regina, let me in.” Regina shook her head, that voice could only belong to a certain blonde, green eyed and stubborn savior who was bound and determined to be her friend.